Rabbi Mordechai Kraft - Self Respect Must Come From Within

so good afternoon everybody I'd like to welcome everyone back to our our Tuesday Lunch and Learn and I apologize the last two weeks that I've been away amid students to a trip to Poland and very very life-changing trip so last week I was in Warsaw unable to make it unable to do it this year but who apologize and glad to be back and we hope that Tuesday's twelve o'clock we'll continue this will be a time to learn and to grow together and to get spend 30 minutes every Tuesday as a community of people who want to grow in search types of self growth with Tera journey to close one more so welcome back everybody was dressed it up and excited new opportunity to come together and to grow together the Bentley so this week I'd like to talk about something a little bit later to should blossom and maybe the most important ingredient that we need for success in and name for success in all my spirit work you know we speak a lot in terms about relationships and how are we relating to a chef succeeding and really realize the good it's the goodness of the greatness of Hashem we does for us we speak a lot about a car so tell people you speak about relationships being Dominic Aveiro which is core so critical and so crucial narrative and being able to be macro tool to recognize the good that's extraordinary important relationship as we know how I think there's one relationship that we overlooked and this might be the key to all of them and maybe the most important relationship that if developed properly will unlock a beautiful ation ship of the show and view of relationship with others and what I mean by that is I'm referring to a relationship with ourself we might call them he will cover us my own dignity not greatness appreciating Who I am what I am and what it means to be creating the image of a sham and therefore it to understand that potential that we have is that's I think understand putting a couple dots money the Raider will be able to relate to others be able to to get other people recognize how great they are and will appreciate that or worthy of being relationship of a chef but that personal stuff to my home to the greatness so I'd like to touch on today and not because we're trying to include in the lake to say anyway egotistical or self-serving but because you got to appreciate our greatness that is that's the key relationship so I'd like to take us through a fascinating statement from the book of us to read yesterday I lost their we're gonna take it to a free shape where it needs to look at myself and say I have respect for me I value me so let's just take a look begin by looking at a membership and this a and says his father is pretty very sure your servant my fellows honey no sleep I'll advise this statement that says more than the bow the banksters for the money those more than me the hostess for the poor person person would say I am saved mom ice the poor person does for interest a statement I think that hostess what we think about it perhaps really the poorest my team because the most might offer a meal feed some collars to chickens but the Ani the president raised is table to enable that the tool to achieve the next world so in some ways the poor person could be powerless to do much for heart for thee welcome the president for Crystal anything never said hey we can learn this problem in the story of chichén who's embarrassed good said to her mother Lorna on me shame Yasha a CCE my young boys the man who did for me today such custom kindness his name was boss Shama ish got a CC email how your boss the name of the man had read a little wrong just because you're naturally wanted to say that way but let me read it correctly Shea Matty should I steal Nick the man line today kindness his name was boss the mentor says a show us the ink except it doesn't say I saw in me that he did with me rather it says I should Assisi mom that I did with him our love she said to her mother I know me Harvey Patricia to almost a cc english officer shouldn't ask me how much kindness I did for him but one piece of bread that he gave me let's review that just for a moment that statement was somewhat strange a strange person in the book and it needs needs explanation you know if we look at the story of in the story of love story it was what's the story where we know that this was a Mojave I she was princess in one and her husband died and she follows her mother-in-law leaving thrall leaving leaving the palace to begin a process of a real conversion and to cover the Land of Israel if they only become at land of Israel and the more they have absolutely nothing to eat and Ruth is really it has to go and to pick up what's called you should leave overpay of a walk behind the farmers and just picking up what they were--they drop behind them this that's something reserved for specimens as the Torah has but here she was a princess who is now relegated to to such a position of poverty now we know that I mean has a relative name boys and boys as external well feed man and dose would be really good the generation and she's going to marry this pointless but it's late in the story at this point of story but as she is walking behind the farmers in the fields of baws picking up the dishes before the pay I think things that are dropped the droppings that the Lincoln things that they are not allowed to take with you to the floor she's gathering enough it she's bringing it and she's not the moment to make some bread with it and when um he says to her as to the question who was the man wasn't England man that you were able to crack out of the grain this field so the reaction of roses Shaima Asia should Assisi Evo my own boss the man with whom I did kindness today his name was Bannen the medicines bothered her neck it should have said I shall also Amy the man who he did the man who did for me kindness those doesn't say that she says the man from Horn I did the kindness and what does that mean it means out of the Harvick Callisto assistance II but look what I could read I enabled his kindness I enabled is giving I get enable them to to have a favor to share in the next world for what visual pro-social nothing like a little piece of bread and cake that's a reaction no a very interesting reaction because we know that if there's one personality trait that we're trying to develop probably most important person personality trait that we're trying to work on is the trader would call a card little gratitude gratitude is everything in relationships it's the key to relationship with human beings to recognize that which we do and it's a keep the relationship with with the only it's everything everything just works around being knock your toe grant it it sounds very much by the statement of loose but she's lacking granted like what is she saying the man whom I I did kindness today what he gave me a game with me a piece of bread but look what I did for him i facilitated his next world a support but that's not the worst us to look at things in this world just to look at in some way to say I have to appreciate what you did and that's the greatest Swiss spiritual task that we can be is to wake up and sort of get out of our habitual feeling things are coming to us and and being not here that's hoping he would over for gratitude soccer at all to recognize the good you know a rabbis are so attuned to this all our eyes are so understanding how much how difficult it is that every morning when we get up we have to make blessings of gratitude you know we're 15 blessings of gratitude that beginners rise in the morning bless the shem to hear the rooster crow over intellect the mind works we then think a sham is the opportunity to too soon which would not be slaves we thank you sham for the opportunity to eyes that see spinal cords really to walk you then praise a shame for digestive tracts or constantly focusing the good that ashamed us but because recognize the good it's difficult in this world that is the key ingredient to any relationship to recognize the good and the problem is the more someone does for you or sham does for us the more difficult it is to break ourselves out of that spiritual sort of slumber and say I really appreciate what you do and I we know in life that the people who are most difficult to thank really are those who do the most for us that's a fact of life a stranger who makes us breakfast we spend the whole day calling them and thank you them sending text messages but perhaps one's life who makes breakfast maybe so thank you it's warm box after where is the where is he where's the gratitude the answer is because so much good is done and forget to turned around sufficient so the ability to be market or to recognize the good is fundamentally the key ingredient in the building of relationship issue and with each other so loose statement is so much shocking like how could she say you know when though he says was still were you in she says I was in the field they says the man for whom I did with whom I did kindness is never boys not the man who did kindness from me by the manager or I did kindness with him I hate him to give to me so to speak now you know just with that thought in mind there's a favorite statement in the in another in medicine says like this he said it describes it says what is a good guest and took avoid brothels and Crescent now what's a good guest who's a good guest you have a guest of her homes for Shabbos for a meal it was a good guest a rep told mama one there a good guest what is he saying come and tear clothes by the by specially he says wow look what this hopes did for me come a bus or heavy the fun night oh look at this wonderful wonderful family they prepared this delicious chicken was delicious from eat this delicious this just stink oh he bought it at me you prepared it to me it's so tasty didn't offer me coming I give you the fun I Wow delicious he wine brought it there just for me come a glucose say to the fun night all those delicious desserts that seven-layer cake and the chocolate mousse ah she stayed up all those midnight making it like she knew I were to be her guest and therefore she did it all for me Chloe should talk for the turtle it'll be truly all that work like that this poster still is posted it was all for me that's a good guest a relative a relative is looking to say you did it all for me you did it from you now granted I know that you benefit from this I know that by your giving to me your Europe you're gonna get a nice chunk of the next world I understand that but the proper attitude one has to have to question when it's done for us to say I have to feel that you did it all for me now even though that's not always true you thinking about it because the good man died says well what's what's the flip side what's in our a after rot what's a guest who is a bad guest woman what was the band gets to say my to layer top of my stuff a bad guest says I had this hostess the sauce didn't go to anything that's a classic optic what happened my mother has to eat you know she'd already made collars for a family so I said the table I ate a piece of challah but they could probably not finished bacala anyway cos a cos a healthy critique opposite Katya she's making have been chicken in a big steak if it goes for the family mother kids love children her husband so I said the table I have a little piece what's the big deal Cosette fetch RCC so they brought a nice wine the wine for themselves I can fish the whole bottle like the way so they gave me a couple of it is it cooked the rapture talk about my sad a long time television show but of all of the work exertion that this host did her supposed to did those listed together for each other you got it for themselves and for the children I just happened to be there and benefit Thomas says not so fast that's a bad guess that's a guest lack in granite I guess it has gratitude has to say it was all done for me it was just he did offer I know in my mind you really didn't do that I know in my mind that really made that religious power and the desserts and roast and chicken soup with matzo balls I know he made it a family and I happen to be there at the table enjoying it ice covered that ball so flashmaster for participating but the attitude one has to have in one's mind is the attitude of you did it all for me I such gratitude to you I takes that delicious suits oh it's that's a good guest because one's utilize in that situation to be able to recognize the good to appreciate what has been done so if that's what the Talmud tells us is a good guess which something's a bad guess let's go back let's go back to Ruth to us for a second what does it was sick ruse remember she comes in tonight at Israel she doesn't anything she relegated to to gathering up the grain that that's falling behind the farming limit so accessible to provide for the farm for the poor the way the farmer vias report they had a right to pick it up it's not said he shouldn't go back for all turned back but for but imagine the humiliation that some extent especially women like gross coming from world and now such a tremendous dedication devotion leaves for country follows from mother-in-law very much like Africa and let her go and willing to to risk poverty and all because she wants to live a Jewish life boys his context has compassion on her last year ago I took his field and that even helps protect her a little bit there when she comes back that I'll be that night she says to my don't me mommy says so who was demanded kindness for you and again what's the response Shaima Asia Assisi my elbows the man for whom I did kindness I did for him but he did for me I could read his name was boss but I did that name the nephron I did the case isn't that definition of a breath run this is the definition of a bad guest that guest is the one who doesn't say you did it for me but since sort of discards and disregards him down place all that stuff what was did a lot for she could not have dinner that night the boys did not let her gather the grain and I feel like that so that piece it might be a piece of bread but that's dinner and she has to appreciate that the turn around I said no I did more for him I did my friend differently that seems to be in the category where badness from said the bad guest doesn't want to acknowledge that guest wants to minimize the kindnesses stuff and it Rose seems to do exactly that which the bad guest is guilty of so the question is having understand this we put into some sort of perspective you know we talk about rose what is the Russ is gonna be the great-grandmother of the milk kingship is going to of the Rhine River and the story of us is really extraordinary story of a woman who is with me ballast custard par excellence a woman who is completely dedicated to other centeredness completely dedicated no home even complete dedication has been math and we seen that she's going to make laws and try to bring him back through evil that relationship Jesus Jesus the epitome of what it means to to live the ideal Jewish life of other scientists which maybe that's the purpose of the turret personalities to be like that that may be one of the reasons perhaps one of the very important reasons why it is such an important place where we really really don t have to build a second there she was the holiday and the receiving of total this is what turns affect some eye drops it's about dedication it's about so it's about giving it's about sacrifice it's about developing a personality which could be so giving in on the center and sack and sacrificing for another beautiful person now the truth that's the total wants from us that's the touch I'm developing inside of us and yet when we look at Russ the statement which Ross makes seems to be so antithetical so in a so opposite what a person who's dedicated Angus would say for me I did more for him so how do I understand that statement how do we remove rust from category of a bad guest and how do we place was what she rightfully belongs in this exultant world of rested and giving another sentence for which she is so praised and Maris's to be the great grandmother David ultimately of mashiac and her stories the story where we read on the day Lucy Ventura how do we how does this how do we put this statement into the hole that makes it all fit work out together to really say yes it's in keeping it's it's in harmony with the personality of who who really was some of the questions the questions questions not clear please text me after text me now maybe the end we go for the phones and you asked me to clarify for the hope it's clear right now let's see we could give you could give a little bit of an answer so I'd like to suggest something that that my brother shooter said I believe this was the but she she wrote toughest client New York to go to South America and then my ready and he said something which I feel so remarkable and most novel they don't most revolutionary from the way we thinking and this way I like to show you right now so perhaps what we need to say instead of being so bothered by the fact that rule seems to not be expressing rat it seems to be that bad guest we maybe have to get into her mindset why would you do that what would motivate her to to say something like that what motivated was to to instead of focusing how much good is done for her she focuses and through surround says how much good have I done for him what would motivate so we need to say what would motivate that that that statement is that imagine how dejected she was again she wasn't princess she is now in a state where she has to to gather gather the gleanings so to speak pick up what's left Nagi she's a very very dejected state what does that do to oneself how does one feel you know I think we've all been in situations in life where we've had to be takers and we don't always like it's nothing so easy to beat it it doesn't feel so good you know I know personally that you know we were used to having guests at our home for many many years people come to our table and we enjoy giving them for the beauty of table it's to be able to give it to share and I know sometimes I've had to be traveling and doing certain things where I have to be a guess it's an unstable there's a little being uncomfortable with that rather be a situation were giving them taking that people gracious and so I wanted to share it and to ink the can to the part and I respect them I was feel good but there's something always inside of me in that situation this is I'm sure people take as much set up in the kit and it has a natural feel that we know imagine if one had to be anchored to the point where one is dependent on the other for one's livelihood must be separated ones love to eat if not for the gatherings of the greetings that that one is it is picking up on the female what's that do to one's self esteem what's that do the one sense of self I imagine they give you their damages it can really take the person say when I feel so insignificant I feel so unimportant like I feel like I I'm I'm not a real person I'm not a giver to give is everything but to take it so so hard to take what's it do the sense of one's calling people call it asks me what I do the one sense of one's own greatness one's own sense of honor one's dignity what's the result - Shemin my potentials without limitation what does it do to that a damaged sister artisan it destroys it Ruth Ruth was if it wise was she would be bounced custom products allows her whole essence was kindness but now the kindness had to turn the kindness had to turn and said how can I be kind to myself right now more than I need to focus on what boys did for me I had to flip it around and I have to say what am i different I was different him he gave me a piece of bread that's true but I also I was there I provided him ISM I was the means the vehicle from which ultimately his report and she mine that was gonna be great I did for and also it wasn't just a one-way street it's a two-way street earlier now by no way by no means would Ruth deny the good that's not who she is purple personalities is other centeredness but at this juncture of the most important place she has to focus professing her kindness is our own dignity on self and on self-respect she has to focus right now and say that I too am a giver here I did for him he didn't only do for me I too different you're a colored athlete her her self-respect her her sense of my God look my greatness is paramount I can't lose that I feel like I might lose it I feel about my slip away from you a little bit because I am in situation where I need to take but I'm not gonna let that happen I'm gonna flip that around and I'm gonna tell not only my mother-in-law I did much for him look what I did for him I should ICT in MoMA I did for him not wait for me I know you think I'm very cognizant of it but I need to verbalize I need to express I need to internalize that I - I'm a giver here I - I'm somebody important in this relationship I have to focus on my greatness right now as well I call it nicely I can't lose sight of who I am and that sees what was done she's not a bad guest she's the ultimate Palace custom Perez but she understands that in order to be a elevated human being this world in order to be somebody who's capable of giving and loving to others it has to emanate from one's own sense of one's own greatness I've imported I'll go to the green to which I know microwaves to be really focused new greatness she saw where what a chef does work but degree to which I recognize I'm of value is the degree to which the real decision I deserve to be in relationship with you because I am something like that where she wanted the play now but right now the choose a jeopardy the Jeopardy was maybe she's in the news site recovery bastard her own internal self-respect on our own sense of value and therefore the appropriate the most appropriate thing to say Norman was I did furnace look the kindness that she has to say we thinking about that I think it's somewhat of a remarkable thought because we do live in a world with so value respectful others of course the solution we so value respect and fresh and of course that's also important but I think we have to focus on and think about as well it's who we are what it means to be creative intuition and not lose sight our own dignity uncovered to respect ourselves appreciate ourselves but we are and not to think that selfish that's not selfish at all because as we've mentioned the degree to which we can realize who we are as to each others recognized under someone else's video which we know our greatness a little way to which will be able to say you're also great really recognize the greatness to Guru says chef I am worthy of a relationship you know I'm gonna go I'm worried that this is cosmic in many ways I feel it's not talked about enough it's not disgusted with that aspect of herself we have to look at ourselves and so I have greatest you know I think we live in a world today which has really taken its toll on this idea this idea that the human being is someone of value they were losing it in many many respects you know I remember I had heard once the name but all the great huge lion and he said something very fascinating always stayed with me then he said in the 20th century nineteen others then he said man walked in the 20th century influenced by three philosophies of the 1819 century for why they said they were Freud Marx so you think about well philosophy of the school of Marx Karl Marx idea that essence of man is his capital production interesting look at Freud's trying to develop this idea of the subconscious and the dark black forces the Eagle that the ended influence thinking think very much are you eight Sahara something he was was working off some say he did from discussions that he had with the freedoms read and of course Darwin the ultimate expression the theory of Darwin was that we we have made from the animal which is an extension were more developed a Hammond so mushiya of all the sometimes look 20th century man walked into landline all about let's see mark says our machine Floyd says of one big heed Don says I'm a I'm a machine I'm an it headache Wow wearing that description can we find the greatness of what needs to be created the image of God but seldom okay maybe it's no wonder that the 20th century so more mass murder the Holocaust is coarsely built an expression of it any other time in human history so I think as we go forth in our day practically I think we need to do the small things in our day to focus on what it needs that confidence need to have to have internal greatness small things for example a small thing might be sitting down before we eats on this I could stand ready sit because I possess to be activity no it could be say I'm going to to to to drink a cup of coffee but little slower dignity could mean that you know I'm speaking to somebody a little bit more sense to the way I listen to the way I respond not responsible quickly think about it was the same a little bit more but on dignity might be the way we dress a little bit saying I want to trust in the language but who thing is a little bit more my elegance who I am which is very much due to trust by the way to dress in a way that conveys the elegance which find the greatness of unity did you small things in our day we can do to remind us I really have greatly video what color ask me what it means to have self-dignity self-respect and grace I think we can do that everything else will fall into line or they shoot with people will improve was the greatest of them relationship with a shovel could look so worthy of the fact that we too have a right and a shown has a designer too late is someone who sucked in through the flag exalted that's me I thank you so much listen everybody and before continuing this conversation this session before it every Tuesday