Rabbi Mordechai Kraft - Ten Commandments of Lasting Relationships

okay good evening everybody so nice to be here the sweet tooth tonight it's warmer in here than it is out there it's nice nice to be here so what I'd like to go through tonight with you if I could there's a lecture that I call the hidden secrets of the ten commandments the ten commandments as a guide to lasting enduring relationships and what I'd like to discover with you tonight is that perhaps the Ten Commandments themselves have a deeper message going beneath the surface and that message really is addressing the primary issue of life which is really how we relate and whether it's relationship with God or whether it's relationship with each other and to do this with you under anybody who knows my style a little bit is I'd like to do the analysis with you and if we can do that together maybe we'll arrive at what I think are a hidden message that the Ten Commandments contains so to do this let's first review the Ten Commandments well let's do it like this I'll read the Ten Commandments to you and as I do it I want to ask you to vote if you were writing the Torah if you were God be a nice job I'm not sure I would want that job but if you would like that job and you were writing the Torah would you include this commandment so let's start with the first one I know Kishan okay I am the Lord your God first commandment to recognize that God exists I am the Lord your God thought the commandment to believe in God it's just a statement of reality good that what do you say does it be longer than the Ten Commandments yes we all in favor of that one good okay I'm with you second one there shall be no other gods besides me no other gods no idolatry what do you say does it belong there yes not bad okay how about the third commandment which is you shall not take my name in vain what do you think it means not to support what does it mean by the way you know it means you're not supposed to use God's name in an oath what do you say yes or no it's probably third commandment don't use gods that don't make an oath with God's name not this in one of the commandments now I'm gonna make the question a little bit stronger for you you know there are two types of oaths that you could make in the Torah what type of oath is an oath for example where if I want to be a really bad person and let's say I owe you $10,000 and we go to a baton together and I take it off that in which I deny or those to the presidency myself but the person denies in God's name that he never borrowed the money that's pretty bad he's using God's name to get away with $10,000 that's what that whole thing that could make another type of oath that a person can make is no which for example to take it oh that this chair is a table or that this floor is really the ceiling that's the second type of both which one of those type of oats do you think that the guitar is referring to when it says don't use God's name in vain don't make an oath the first one which says that God a person's gonna swear in God's name to try to get away with a lot of money or to use God's name did say something ridiculous like the chair is a table which which O's do you think the tech advantage is referring to when it says don't use God's name in vain I would agree with you I would think is the first but guess what it's the second one nope nope sorry vana you can't no you can't but it's not it's not the both of you take advantage is referring to you ought to take advance referring to what's the right what type of person would do such a thing to take an oath of a chair as a table right what we talking to a good question but I agree with you I think that I would agree with you that if it says don't take out his name in vain you don't take an oath of God's name I would think we're talking with the first one let's not talk about the second one very interesting how would the fourth commandment fourth commandment is Shabbos shamora stealin Shabbos the Kaddish regards keep Shabbos what do we say yes no good I agree with you good one how about the fifth one keep it off at aim honoring your parents does belong the Ten Commandments Why Why What okay good okay I mean as a parent you know anyone's a parent you know we appreciate we appreciate that it is the fifth commandment and as a result for being able to say to our kids you know I don't know this is the fifth commandment I don't we say it like that but at least we feel the weight of it but okay I hear it's a funny thing okay I hear first four chords up right it's a little problematic as we know what's it doing on that side one would think that it should be on the other side perhaps if the first Commandments didn't man and God you know what's the fifth one doing on the side of man to guide you in man and man a lot of explanation to talk about in a second how would the sixth commandment this commandment is system am it is what's the sixth amendment don't don't murder I'll tip suck don't kill okay I think that's a good one yeah I have the thing as that one how about the seventh commandment which is not to commit adultery yeah I think Jordan how would the eighth commandment which is the eighth commandment is you shall not steal what do you say stealing so what's the problem with that commandment well the Torah says the Ten Commandments don't steal does it mean stealing or kidnapping actually means kidnapping only means kidnap side am so sorry I'm sorry but it's it's you're right it means kidnapping its kidnapping don't steal is a different distance there's a whole different those six all it's a whole different commandment this is a command which just says don't kidnap isn't that a little too specific for the Ten Commandments Oh a kidnapping is a terrible thing but like this would be longer the Ten Commandments like you don't hear so many cases of kidnapping I mean we hear a few but stealing is commonplace there's a lot I don't know I'm not sure I don't know okay but I I think we have to keep that in mind how about the eighth commandment well that was the eighth - - thank you how are the ninth commandment which is though not yet you shall not be a false witness in a court of law no ta ray made a checker that's to say if your friend calls you to court to testify about something you can't lie don't be a false witness people can't bribe you can't people can't be bribed to be witnesses if you're called to a court of law you have to tell the truth what do you say is that a good one I'm with you on that one very important but what's it doing Commandments that's number nine not to be to be tell the truth in the court of law very interesting I also agree that is that is that so is that more important than perhaps Yom Kippur or I don't know kashrut or not to oppress the orphan of the widow or to give sadaqa something like that I agree I think that's very specific what's that doing in the Ten Commandments don't be a false witness in the court of law and how about the tenth Canal what's the tenth commandment taking a little sock mod which means don't be miss a little more dumpy just means don't covet to covet means like this for example coveting is very specific there's really two aspects coveting means jealousy on what aspect is the desire in your heart that someone else has and halacha love mice in practicality it means that for example if you want to buy supposing you see you have a lot of plot of land and you would like your neighbors plot of land because you want to add an extension to your house but your neighbor doesn't really want to sell so you kind of put pressure on it you get the rabbi to speak to him and and you kind of get friends every time you see him like why don't you sell a piece of land fight the guy says at the end okay you know I've had enough already also that's a violation of law sarcoma witches don't covet you pressure to do something he really didn't want because you wanted it that would be in a violation of the south commode in addition to when we desire things in our heart we desire other people's possessions other people's spouses things like that but practically it's when we force someone to to in fact sell property or to sell something or do something they don't want to do because we want it no stuffed monkey so these are the 10 commandments let's review them I'm the Lord your God no the gods besides me don't take my name in vain keep Shabbos honor your parents don't kill don't kidnap the actually we don't kill no adultery don't kidnap don't be a false word to the court of law and don't covet don't desire that which someone else has ten commandments however that tenth one does that one belong there I mean it's a very beautiful color beautiful commandment but makes it deserves number ten Danny upset with that one why are you about that one you'd bothered about number ten yeah it's a little too internal so it's in the heart it has to do with the heart you know what how can you command the heart number one it's fascinating because it's commanding the heart which some do which is oftentimes pointed to you know is the fact that if human beings would write the tariff with the right of commandment which obligates the heart to this extent now maybe human society could select don't steal don't kill but to say like what's going on in your heart that's a very private matter it's only the creator of the heart who knows the hearts his book can claw him right can tell us what the heart has to field experience it's very fascinating but but again if we were a committee and we were writing the Ten Commandments I think would we all would probably leave that one out granted it's a nice thing if you want to work on your sleigh most you want to work on your me toes you want to be a human being we're supposed to be but like is that one of the big ten top ten yeah it sounds a little bit too specific and maybe it's a little bit too difficult that's about us in what let's think about that okay next question and I mean this very seriously why did God need two tablets coolant of God done what I can do on my computer which is that I could take a very large print and I can make it small enough that I could probably fit it very neatly on half the page why did God have to specifically put these commandments in two different tablets would one tablet of it enough good question dinner God have a good enough word processor couldn't he have done it so what do you need two four [Music] good good so the fact that God wrote to if God gave us two tablets he's telling us there's a natural division and then after division perhaps can be the first five between that and God and the second five between man and men that's a very good answer question what's the problem with that answer the fifth one why because the fifth one what's it doing on the side of man and what's honoring parent to it right honoring parent one would think should be on the side of man and men not man and God so it's a question that everyone deals with and everybody asks and so different answers one answer of course is because you know your parents are your links so to speak to God three partners in creation there's God your mother and father's so perhaps they do belong in that side I'll tell you a very beautiful answer may be the division of the two tablets isn't man and God and men and men may be the division really is on the first side the other midst is between man and our creators we have two creators God is our Creator and our parents are creators and on the second side is the midst is between man and man maybe that's the natural division men and creators man and men okay I think that probably works even a little bit better but here's the question I want to get at it seems that if God gave us ten commandments and many spawn talked this way that the Ten Commandments really contained the seeds so to speak the DNA of the entire Torah you can learn on all 613 mitzvot from these Ten Commandments so these Ten Commandments are really the roots they're the root directory as it were of the entire terror so these 10 are very very significant and very very important so how does it work why these 10 perhaps a hint to why these 10 is because a statement that we know our sages say our sages teach us they say if you can teach me the entire Torah in one line what would that one line be what's the one underlying principle of the entire turret we are after the record Homolka to love your friend like you love yourself and don't do badly to your friend do your friend like you would like done to you this air save you say that is the underlying principle of the whole terror we are half to the rare hot kamoko to love your friend like yourself but love is a question if that's the underlying principle of the torah what's the problem with that what's the problem where's God where's God [Music] so it answers one side of the Torah it says well if loving your fellow man is the principle of terror that takes care of what my relationships with my fellow man that's these five but what about the first five would you man and our creators like where does that fit in how does via half to the regular MOCA explain how that is the underlying principle of those five so our rabbis asked this and Rashi actually says it in good morning Chavez and says that a Shem is also your friend he's also real huh and be careful how you treat a Shem do do a Shem like you would want like you would want done to you if you ask somebody to do something you'd like that person to listen to you you know we would like people to acknowledge the good that we do for them treat a share also like you would like done for you yes he's also your friend there's a relationship with Hashem it's very similar to relationship with a friend so very interesting if the underlying principle of the whole terror is to love a friend and our rabbis say well sometimes that friend is a human friend and sometimes that friend means God but the underlying principle of a whole terror is to love to have a relationship with another and if that's underlying principle datura it must mean that the Ten Commandments are the means that we're supposed to achieve that love does that make sense if a rabbi's tell us we are after the race kabocha is the principle that is the that is the the first base of taurus-littrow is all about to love whether it's you're loving a human being other words loving God what it means to love so if that's the underlying thought that really unifies all of Torah so perhaps we can suggest that the Ten Commandments must be the means to have that relationship let's say we could prove that point I think it works and thought I mean make sense in theory but let's see if we could analyze Ten Commandments and see if we could discover what those relationship principles are and how the Ten Commandments express them I want to tell you something that the c4a Kabbalah say and the nude Russians say they say that that the Ten Commandments were written on we know to two tablets but the two tablets actually more like this but they folded in on each other what does that mean it means that could have at number one therefore aligned itself with commandment number six commandment number two seven commandment number three to eight can have a number four to nine like a member number five to ten turnt-up saying there we have five on this side five on the side but it says the big Russian that they would actually fold in on each other you could fold them together and they could face each other so one so to speak corresponds to six there's a relationship between two and seven relay should be three and eight four and nine five and ten that's an interesting thought because that's true it means that one and six have something in common 2707 comma three and eight four nine five and ten let's see we can discover what they have in common and see if we could discover from that certain principles what's commander number one I know Hashem Anoka huh I am The Lodger God what's gonna happen number six slow look that suck don't kill okay everybody go solve that one for me what is recognizing that a Shem is your God and not killing what what do they have in counter that's a beautiful answer that right that to kill the human being in essence is really killing of subtle okay human being is created in the image of God very true and that has to we have to understand that that's what it means the hundred percent I would definitely say that other suggestions I just tank that's interesting interesting thought also interesting interesting [Music] interesting interesting I think everybody sitting a little bit I was think I'd say like this if the purpose of the ten commandments is to tell us how to love and to tell us how to relate and if a relationship with the human being a relationship with God is really the same formula because as our rabbis say God is also your friend and therefore just like you relate to a friend try to relate to God so let's see what could be the first ingredient in a relationship what might be the most in fundamental first step and having a really solid and successful relationship I think the first step is to recognize that the other exists outside of you step number one the other exists outside of you what's the new we said uh no clear shimano hello basic we're saying like this God I recognize that you exist you exist for who you are you know there's two ways one can have a relationship with God you know what that is one way it can be is because God I really need you look I want to be successful in life and I want to have pronoun son I want to have material possessions and I I want to have all the things that I want and I want a good off and I want it all I know you're the source of it so God therefore you know I recognize you exist because I need you to provide for me that's somewhat of an immature relationship with God immature because the highest level of relationship with God is please say God I recognize that you exist outside of me I loved you not just because of what you do for me I love you because of who you are I love you because I your need us of your kindness to press it you're giving your compassion all the things that we aspire to in life that's what you are well that's what you are and I love you for who you are not just because of what you do to me I recognize that you exist outside of me that's very interesting that's very important by the way in human relationships by the way you know you can have a human relationship also like that why do you love the other person the other person what they do for you you know you provide from you take care of me you know rather than looking at the other and saying I love you for who you are you know I'll tell you like a sad reality I've had cases where parents have not wanted to put their kids in special education you know why because it might hurt the up of the older kids is that a sad reality because what's that saying you know if you really love the child you do what's best for the child the child exists outside of you the child is his own entity and you love that child for who the child is if you love the child because of what that child brings you he brings me Koval he brings me honor you know and therefore look if he goes into special ed like it's gonna hurt like well let people look at our family it might affect you too you know I have a rule of life with all this nonsense I don't get into it at all I've North ignores I don't know if it's true or not true it could be we have to like you know live our lives as if it's just ridiculous and we do what's right and we pretend it's not there and we have enough wanna be tough and abolish all of that and we do what's right for bring to us we need that's that's the way I've I've chosen to live my life chosen to ignore many of these stagnant yes I don't want to believe it it's not always that right it's like my parents my pleasure hurts the parents because it reflects on me but if you love the child you exist outside of me and therefore I'm gonna love you for who you are and not just for what you bring me real love means that you recognize the other exists outside of you a Nokia Schemmel Oaxaca I am the Lord your God I exist outside of you I'm not only here to provide for you and to me the great candy man in the sky I exist and we still try to love this young just for who is Seamus you know I'll tell you a secret that's why a chef leaves a lot about him that we don't understand there's plenty of that a Shem that we did not understand and sometimes people say to me Riley Kraft you know especially you're not which work they say you know how can I mean want me to have a relationship with the Shamy want me to love a Shem how much must understand a sham you know I don't when I understand - em you know that's what I'll follow a sham I have to say it like that exactly but you know I mean I love a shirt with all of my heart you know do I understand the Holocaust absolutely not do I understand why they have to be homicide bombers in your line I understand them do I have to stand why some children die yeah I don't understand it but do you want to show us telling me I should I say more terrific craft if you want to love me what you have to love about me is the part you don't understand because if you could only love what you understand about me who are you really loving you really love and your minds definition of me which is really you real love begins when you recognize a sham exist outside of you or the other exists outside of you you know sometimes I think by the way I think it's a true thought you know when we say schmeyer swell what we do with our hands cover eyes why we cover eyes so concentration is definitely a beautiful reason there might be another reason what are we saying when we say SH my soul Shanaya swell scheme' volcano ash MF third a sham you are one when this means that there are no accidents in this world I don't stub my toe down below if it's not for you right now a person doesn't get hurt in this world a sickness doesn't come this world's not for you a war doesn't begin a bomb doesn't go off how a cost doesn't occur yeah what are we saying I share your one it's all you so why do I cover my eyes then why I'm covering my eyes because a sham I'm saying the reality is if I want to understand that everything is you I'm totally in the dark I really don't see it and I don't see it with my eyes I'm gonna let that to let my heart go beyond my eyes that's called a Moana I'm gonna have to trust things that I do not know when my intellect can't grasp I'm gonna have to love you nonetheless that's cool shut I'm in the dark I don't know my heart is gonna have to go beyond my mind and that's what I would love begins love begins with the Shemin we recognize a sham exists outside of us he's a separate being and we're not gonna fully understand him we're gonna understand that we don't understand and we're gonna love him nonetheless and in human relationships it's exactly the same you know I mean III I'll be honest with you I have no idea I mean I'll stay like this I really don't think that organic carrots taste any different than regular carrots and I mean I don't think the organic eggs takes any different I always pretend that the organic chicken maybe does a little bit but I don't think it's worth the price I'm sorry if I'm offending anybody I'm really so I apologize but you know if my wife wants it so you know that's what she wants so really my love for her begins where I don't understand her if I'm gonna love her what I understand Who am I really loving I'm loving our minds conception that's me let's have to love about the other is what you don't understand you exist outside of me you're not me step number one in relationship is you have to recognize the other exist outside of you if they're not you to their own person and they're not there only for you our job is to give to them our jobs to appreciate who they are and not just look at them as a vehicle to give us some sort of meaning or joy the exist totally separated who we are that's the beginning of any real relationship how interesting it is by the way that commandment number six is though tips I don't kill what perhaps is the greatest negation that the other exists outside of you all right you say like this if person takes a gun and shoot somebody what are they saying you have no real existence you have an existence that I could play with I could toy with I could take away you have no independent existence your life is really meaningless litigation of what it means to recognize another exist outside of you is to destroy that life if you realize if your person recognizes wait a minute that person is a world they exist outside of my desires and wins it would've been worth the war but to create only for them can you take a gun and shoot that person talking about murder or nothing with self-defense or anything like that so if the beginning point that relationship is to recognize the other exists outside of you the opposite of that of course is to murder to murder and sense means that I can control over you I can rule whether you live or whether you exist or don't exist that's the counter opposite of it see how it works so I think relationship principle number one is recognize the other exists outside and independently of you existence of other outside of you and that's the connection between the no here shamila or most suits on its teaching the same principle recognize existence and the world of man and creator and man and God it means I am God I exist I'm not just here for you I exist love me for who I am what you don't understand about me and perhaps its most extreme expression the world of man and man to take a life is complete denial of the existence of other this is the other exist that the other exists outside of you but the principle is the same for both of them recognize the existence of the other outside of you good ok let's take a look at can have a number two that can have it number seven what's good man number two commandment number two is no idolatry and commandment number seven is no Daltry how interesting they're very similar phonetically in the English language no I know idolatry no adultery what's the connection what links those two it's cheating they both have to do with a lack of exclusivity the second principle of a relationship is it has to be exclusive you have to realize that that other person has a uniqueness that nobody else has and you love the other let's do in the world of God God is saying listen no idols don't find any substitutes for me you know why does God get so upset about that you know God you know why is this upset about the idols the answer is is because God knows if you want a relationship with him you have to recognize his uniqueness and as long as you're gonna try to always look for something else besides him you're not truly gonna look for the uniqueness of God what does it alter II say well I'll say what adultery says and I don't mean to be in any way disrespectful but the biology of human beings is actually say the biology of a human being is all the same it's all the same if a person really recognizes that the other has a uniqueness a specialness that means that person is irreplaceable it's a replaceable how could you commit an act with another person like what's going on over here and these are not looking to see the uniqueness in the other if you're looking at the other I'm just looking at that person some sort of body well yeah there are many bodies out there and they're you know pretty similar but if you're looking to see essence you're looking to see the uniqueness of somebody but the person is replaceable so God is saying you want a relationship with me recognize I am totally unique there's a uniqueness about me that can't be replaced and don't try to find a substitute no idols and if you want a human being and you want a relationship on the human world want us to say also that it has to be exclusive there's uniqueness something so unique about the other and it cannot be replaced but it means that a person has to look for uniqueness you have to discover uniqueness now it's interesting by the way why I mean why is it dull Turing's perhaps such a difficult why is it such a big problem in society and obviously we look in the world and we see this as a problem that plagues the world why is it so much a problem I'll give you a very interesting answer it's because if you're really looking deeply at the uniqueness of the other and you really want to love another for who they are anything have to make yourself vulnerable also you have to really expose your own uniqueness and you have to open up it's much easier to look at something external about somebody else and think that there's a really deep relationship as long as relationship is built on that externality so to speak well I guess externality is always a replacement it could be exchanged uniqueness could never be exchanged the difficult thing about looking at what's special about someone else it means you gotta really dig deep into the other person and perhaps it means you gotta dig deep into yourself also I think a lot of people are scared to do that I think it makes them feel very vulnerable afraid and as a result would rather settle with something a little more external but once you relate to something external well body parts are interchangeable it could be this person would be that person but a deep relationship means that you got to take that chance and gotta look for uniqueness to the other and when you see that uniqueness you got to realize it's not exchangeable there is nobody like this person ever you say you know who can be a brother to my brother like I'm a brother to my brother you know who could be a father to my children like I'm a father to my children who could be a husband to my wife like I'm a husband to my wife it doesn't work but it means you have to see uniqueness you have to look in you have to find it but I do believe that people on some level are a little bit afraid to do that because when you go deep and really discover unique about the other I think gotta find what unique about you maybe people are afraid to do that a little bit maybe they don't feel there's anything unique about themselves it's through like to something external but that could be interchanged so what's the principle second principle is exclusivity uniqueness look for the uniqueness in the other number one recognize the other exists outside of you they have their own existence and principle number two is look for the uniqueness focus on the uniqueness of the other and the world of man and God it needs no idols in the world of man and man it means no adultery because you're looking for what's unique there has to be exclusivity there has to be privacy in this relationship this relationship cannot tolerate outside interference there has to be something very very special and very very private the outside world doesn't belong there it's a very very special private relationship that's what it means to really have exclusivity don't bring in people or things that don't belong there why because they don't belong there you can't exchange there's a uniqueness that only you can see now this is very practical you know very practical consequences and certainly in marriage it's very important that I that husbands and wives conduct themselves in ways in which these show their spouse that they really feel their spouse is completely special and unique you know it means it means a lot of things it's I'll tell you know the Shiva well from the covers cryin so I Russia Shiva always encouraged not to encourage he felt very important that you always address another woman by missus you know it's not Sally and Shirley and Susan there's mrs. Steinberg and mrs. Schwartz and this is you know mrs. Cohen and he felt that's nice of it and the modesty of it he felt it for many reasons but I think a deeper reason behind it really is is you're communicating to your spouse but only you and I talk on a first-name basis there's something about unique here as a uniqueness that only we have there's a special so I'm not giving it as a Shakalaka I know I know what you're saying it's difficult it's difficult because you have friends and you know we live in America right it's hard it is hard I agree with you it's a very difficult thing is an awkward thing to do you know someone comes and says you know what's your last name mrs. levy you know it's it feels a little distancing in a sense a little distancing all right so that that's you know that that's problem is problematic know so we asked what's not we asked her why she should go to America leave of us we asked this question and we said you know in the world of being a rabbi so if you want to you know have a relationship with your students and your congregants if you're always going to be calling them like this is universe's levy you know and and mrs. Cohen and missus you could die of this is Shiva Nova you know you know this is I'm shy EV this is tribal did I make doing okay over here telling anybody you know we said does not create a distance like an artificial distance and therefore so he had such a fantasy way you know my husband I know it you mean it's difficult it's difficult and maybe it's difficult to put it to practice but at least think about the what's what it means it really means like this I remember his response to it we said like that's not create a distance and how are you do you you know help somebody or you know or develop relationship with somebody if you create that distance and his answer was very very I think brilliant he said once you set the boundaries then you can create the relationship as long as there are boundaries then you could get close if they're no boundaries then closeness is a dangerous thing you know right once you have boundaries boundaries me as long as it's mrs. levy so we've said a certain distance between us once we set that distance now was ruled to to talk now there's room to talk now nothing will interfere no nothing that's not going to be mixed messages we already established very clearly there's a very distinct boundary and the badge is very important and I think at the same time what it communicates the spouses is the idea that there's exclusivity you know you know you're the special one and how important that is to communicate that you know and certainly you know there's no room in all of marriage I guess ever to praise the beauty of another woman you know I tell the Hassanein this all the girls aware I tell them I tell them is I'm very hard with them very hard at the boys okay I tell this all the time yeah there's no room in it never ever do you praise someone else's cousin's not sneeze but it's just so terrible for the marriage you know right something like this I had a good good before in it but yeah so Anna you write solace of cooking is never good as your wife's that's right it's never as good while you ice is always she's always the best cook she's always in and and she should do the same thing she should never I mean maybe it's doesn't need to be said but for a woman to pray he's this guy always so good-looking you know it doesn't make the rest of us feel too good you know I don't think it's that I mean look I'm not you know I'm not giving psychological just voicing my own opinion and my opinion you know isn't worth that much even with rabbis even with rabbis Chukchi Bhutto ladies even with rabbis your husband is your husband's your main rabbi your husband is your main post stick he's our main rabbi he's not around he's not religious that's that was should be married to my talk to the wall crowd over here I'm not talking about crowd no no okay okay this is very fine line of demarcation here on the one hand you need a rug 100 percent you need to rabbi you need a rabbit always need a rabbi but at the same time you know at the same time you never at the same time you're you're building up your husband in the process you know like you know what I really admire about you is is the humility that you have to always ask a shylu if you don't know we've got humility really makes a big impact on me yeah the all right you said that's a difference then I'm gonna ask the rabbi you know no there's no room for that your husband he's a rabbi he's your he's not a rabbi but whoever he is he's he is he is the most important person in the world and he has to feel bad even if he's just a schlep anyway you know whatever it is it's like me he's just a nobody easy you know then but still in your eyes he feels in your eyes do you think he's so funny and they're desperate and there's two ways to ask the rubbish ila you can ask the bill - I live like you know I'm asking the Rob who knows everything or you know like like I I know you're such a about Emmis this person is always looking for truth and also undo what's right could you do me a favor could you could you ask the rub deshyla you know because I know you you're such a you're such a person of truth Wow sure I want to buy us that's the last above the show dear the difference very important don't mess that one up don't mess it up men are very sensitive men of big egos easy to crumble that mean I mean if she's not showing that he's not showing the same type of appreciation for you and it's suited to the to the wife yeah I mean should still do it Soto and sometimes teaching sometimes men need to be taught this lesson you know and say that you know it bothers me if you're speaking about somebody else there you know it's not like that son just know that it hurts my feelings Linnaeus has many to know that Mister they say why you know they shouldn't say why they should I understand that but detective mammals are teaching us that commandment number two no idolatry from having number seven no adultery and I think the underlying principle is there has to be exclusivity a marriage requires that there be something very private and especially you look for the uniqueness of the other it can't be replaced and you're doing everything in the marriage to bring out that uniqueness that that I'm only looking at you that I admire you nobody else nobody else even the rough the blob is wonderful but you are wonderful because you respect the rabbi that's what I respect about you you be able to respect some but you know you have to convey that message Azusa everybody but but what marriage or any deep relationship means that that especially in especially in a very deep relationship there's something very special and private you see the uniqueness in the other that's what it means ask me uniqueness I recognize that something that can only be special about you only you have this special thing and it can't be replaced can't be replaced by anything else that's adultery is a brief place - can't be replaced and of course I think the the counterpart of that is or the the the said the other side of it really means that there has to be complete exclusivity we have something very unique and special and private and no one else can interfere with it keep it very private god it says no idols the big something doesn't belong and the human relationship it means don't mix people in and there are many ways we do this by mistake which isn't just through God forbid a terrible act but you know subtly we could do that they could bring people in it'll belong there praising other people are common thing but other people things like this mention and doing the further wise of Washington from there you know what happens either and then be careful again don't get me wrong doesn't mean you go don't go to the ravine either rough is extremely important extremely important right every marriage needs around five hundred percent but again your husband he's a rabbi Olson is also here badly if he's around they're not a rabbi he's you admire him because he wants to go to the red light he wants truth in ways he sees so humble he's willing to ask childhood not easy for that to do that believing in ideal man if he goes okay it doesn't go to Radley I mean do you have a rabbi that you'd like to go to where you'd like him doing it no matter right that's a good question you know it's a good question it's it's not so simple you have to really appreciate sometimes that they don't have all the answers need for an outside person to arbitrate and to to give advice it's not always so simple yeah thank you courage but the thing if a woman encourages is in a way that you know that there's a very negative way of saying it to the negative way it could be that you know I really don't value your opinion and then of course the husband's never gonna want to go why should I go to anybody you know she doesn't value my opinion I want her to buy your mind Lakeisha I really value the European I value who you are I really respect what you're all about and I know you're such a person who wants truth let's go together to hear what the valve has to say I respect you so much because you wanted you want to get we want to get it what's really right who doesn't want to go to rally I'll tell you know I'll tell you trick when I speak to husbands and wives together I always build him up I always build him up I make him feel great you know he's the rough he understands this that's right he's asking the Shilin yeah because I want her to realize that I respect him why do that also like I was I'm saying but it's it's but she should understand that he should feel good about going to the ramp I you should feel good about it it she's not happy but okay let's keep moving here so number two is no idolatry no adultery there has to be exclusivity there has to be a recognition of uniqueness in the relationship okay number three let's see the third commandment is don't take God's name in vain which means don't swear that they don't swear in God's name that this share is a table and commandment number eight is don't kidnap that's interesting what's the connection there no connection what's the next day buddy the first two are pretty good let's just try this try this one yeah good beautiful when you're kidnapping what are you doing well let's think for a second what is kidnapping you know there are two types of stealing what type of stealing is to steal you know is to take possession or something to take somebody's body is is I mean that that's the ultimate theft in the sense the ultimate violation through the ultimate denigration that you respect what belongs to the other you know one way to show disrespect is to take the person's you know the borrow the sweater without asking but the kidnap it means that that you have no appreciation for the property of the other you know if God has property as it were perhaps it's his name I mean the whole world belongs to God the God has the name as well perhaps to take God's name and to swear that I don't owe you $10,000 that's bad but at least I'm using God's name for something valuable but if I take God's name and I said I and the person swears that this chair is a table basically what're you doing with the god's name you're dragging it through the mud if God has a possession so to speak it means perhaps it's his name maybe the third relationship principle over here is respect the property of the other respect that which belongs to the other you know maybe it has to do a little bit the first one which is recognize the other exists outside of you and number two recognize the uniqueness of other but maybe now as we get practical a little bit maybe what it means is respect the other person's property with God it means respect his name don't drag his name through the mud don't swear in his name to this table this chairs a table and when it comes to the human world don't just take the body no kidnap respect respect property now what I think this really means on a deeper level is that all relationships to function well like we were talking before require boundaries they require boundaries even very intimate relationships like marriage require boundary just because we're married doesn't mean we don't say please it doesn't mean we don't say thank you it doesn't mean we borrowed we did we take something without letting the other person know about it we treat the other with at least as much respect as perhaps we might have treated him or her before we got married I mean you're right in marriage there's a certain point where you don't you know there is a certain understanding you know they don't ask you know we do that's way we live but at the same time there has to be a cognizance of boundaries there are boundaries here just because we're very close there's still bound erease I still say thank you I still say please I still asked you if I could use your thing do you mind if I use it you know men are more sensitive than women you know you know you know where's my this where's my that I don't you know yeah but but even with God God a Sigma you want to get very close to me closest would be also means there's boundaries understand that a boundary means don't take my name and drag it through the mud just you know there have to be certain closeness doesn't just mean like we're so close nothing matters when you're really close to everything matters do you hear what I'm saying don't kidnap don't drag God's name to the mud by swearing falsely respect the property respect that which belongs to the other create there are there you need boundaries in the relationship there has to be an appreciation of the other what it belongs to the other right just because we're close it doesn't mean we've lost sight of little things like respectful property respect for what's yours very important I think principled respect the property which means respect the boundaries of the other you know you're tired you need to sleep I'll talk to you in the morning right you know I see that you had a bad day like maybe that was not the best time to talk yeah respect the person boundaries we can't just trample out each other how to tread lightly and delicately respect property respect what belongs to the other their time the possessions the feelings those are all things that belong to us yeah question [Music] right right because you know just to swear for example that you know for a person for Ruben to swear in court and God's name you know he's wasted Oh 'then God's damn I never borrowed the $10,000 from you at least he's using God's name to try to achieve something but to swear that a chair as a table is so such a disgrace of God's damn use God's name to say something so ridiculous so stupid you know [Music] right yeah okay might make that might even be a little better you know this person started get away with something and trying to protect the person's feelings you're trying to to maintain your dignity but the swear chairs the table is so ridiculous it's just such a misuse of God's name it's the ultimate dragon God's name through the mud it's like saying God's name your name is so meaningless I'm gonna use it for even a stupid sort of thing you wanna do something good like at least a say you know I he didn't kill and he doesn't get away with the murder something you know protect his something protect his life but productive you didn't productive a completely wasting is damn exactly okay but I think relationship is number three everybody respect the boundaries and property that which belongs to the other just because you're close doesn't mean you trample okay let's keep moving on okay how about this one do this one for me everybody commandment number four and number four is is Shabbat commandment number eight is is until network of nine we have number nine is we would eight or nine where we ate no nein nein nein nein nein right boundaries right we have right we have number one is his existence i'ma show me God don't kill number two idolatry adultery number three and number seven was dhoka dhoka vain right good right and that's where now we're on Shabbos four and eight four and four and nine which is keep Shabbos and don't be a false witness is a court of law what's the connection over there Shabbos and don't be a false witness in a court of law beautiful everybody hear that and who I say know everybody here yeah what is Shabbos Shabbos is a day of testimony what are we testifying what are we saying kiddush Friday night when we say Kitchen Friday night first of all why do we stand doing by a hulu because we're witnesses well witness is the God created the world so God so Shabbos we are actually acting as Ayden the God is both the creator of the world and he's actively involved in his creation how do we she's not a kiddush by the way Friday night well let's see in the first part of Kadesh we talk about God as being the creator and then all of a sudden in the middle of the kiddush we switch and we say that thank you God for taking us out of Egypt God you the creator of this universe I'm gonna testify to that and we testify to the fact that you're actively involved in every moment of your universe as consumed by the fact that you changed nature when you took us out of Egypt those are the two testimonies of Shabbes you're the creator and involved in your creation that's more difficult you're bad and therefore not gonna make creators we're gonna cease create creative activity in order to testify that you are the creator good come have a double nine is don't be a false witness or the court of law if somebody needs you when you go to court tell the truth tell the truth be truthful be a truthful witness now why is that so important what's going on over here what is the relationship principle that seems to unite Shabbos and telling the truth of the court of law or not being a false witness in a court of law what's the underlying principle that connects them that's so essential for relationships to work yeah I have to say just a little differently look for what's true about the other look for truth now what does it mean look for truth looking for truth does not mean to be nitpicky you know I see you did this you know I see it is that that's not what truth is I'll tell the truth is well let's look what's the word for truth in the hue language damn it anybody seen my lectures over here the lectures so why is Emmet Emmet why are those two letters the I love the member the tough beautiful it's the first letter olive it's the middle letter men and the last letter tough what's truth when you see the whole picture you have perspective you see beginning you see middle and you see end that's truth if you look at one part of the story you're not truth have you folks at one detail that's not truthful truth in marriage or truth in relationship means what if you're looking at the whole picture you know he came late you know he forgot to call me today as my birthday it doesn't need the terrible guy he has a lot of redeeming qualities see things in perspective see the truth of the situation see the whole picture don't focus on one detail exaggerated all he's always this is he's not always this sometimes this a lot of that is very nice you know with God it's the same thing and a question I get often people say to me rabbi listen you know I have a difficult time relating to God because I don't understand the Holocaust ok good question good question good question we'll talk about like I have some lectures that we can do it but it's a good question but you don't always say back to the person I said listen you have to be fair with God so have you ever known a day where you've been hungry no have you ever done a day where you have enough proper clothing no have you ever done a day we haven't had a nice place to sleep have you know never known a day where your heart hasn't beat in a perfect regulatory cycle no have you ever done a day where your cells haven't done mitosis perfectly I said listen if you want to be critical about God you have to be honest with God got also point about all the good things got this for you and the reality is you know 1942-1945 orally five years the world's existed for five thousand seven seventy most of the time it's good most the time it's great most of the time it's cool oppressive in love and rahman yes sometimes are difficult that's part of the plan too and we know it we could understand that sometimes that's but but part of the test part of the test the difficult time is is to love God even when it's difficult in to realize how vulnerable we are in France all we are and how much we need God and not to feel so independent of God but I say to people this if you you could ask me the tough questions and and you have a legitimate right to ask those questions because they're difficult questions but I said you have to do me one thing you have to be fair with me if you want to focus on what's difficult understanding by God and gods did you got to focus at God's love also you got to appreciate all the goodness he's doing for you you got to look at the whole picture you never gonna look at one little part of the way God asked them didn't with sometimes in this world yeah you might get stuck but if you look at the overwhelming entire olive mement off the whole picture wow it's full world of beauty and love and Crescent and goodness and most of my life is like that most of your lives are like that you have difficulty like that but we all do most of our lives are really really great the fact that we're here tonight it's right we're breathing and talking and and and living and our minds are working properly and we're walking right we say like a zihua sure not just a submit book helpful we say the good mother who's an usher a 99 shane i am you diane rock lion if you have your eyes your teeth your hands and your feet your feet ain't nice and right should i am what i share you diane drug miami share your rich everybody here because show you every teeth and show you can see we can ambulate we can walk up those stairs tonight right that's beautiful we're rich it's got a sea perspective rule number four in relationship is you have to see what's true about the other you have to look for truth and truth means perspective which is very interesting by the way in the human language we know that the word for falseness is what check your which happened to be three letters that are right next to each other in the out-of-date right corporation but checkers in the wrong order should finish in cooperation what's interesting is the three letters right next to each other because that's falseness you're looking at one detail and you're building world around it no you got to look for truth in the world of man and God had been Shabbos testify was true about God in the world of man and man don't be a false witness in the court of law tell the truth look for truth because recognition of the big picture recognition of what's true about the other is essential for that relation to succeed you're said okay no topic another night are you happy - yeah sure reserve me another topic another night will be when bad things happen to people will do another but you're right we need an hour at least or more but let's take a look at 5 and 10 what's 5 now I'm gonna suggest you something I think this is the most important one commandment number 5 is honor your mother and father cuz of equals in our commandment number 10 is low sacrum oh don't covet don't be jealous don't desire that which is someone else has what can possibly be the connection between loss sacrum oh don't covet and honoring parents my kids feel that about me alive like that but it's not bad let's just gloss that one what do we say this good point what do we say what could be the connection and here's some connections yeah yeah whatever we were created interesting exact something that I get just thank you very interesting other suggestions before we flush it out further Oh you ever spent interesting nice I said nice is that good same favorite let me say what I think might be a theory why would a person desire what someone else has what's really at the root of it unhappiness with hope what's up if a person is being home made a person's desire and that person owes has really at its core it means that a person really doesn't value that they have something totally unique about themselves the degree to which a person recognizes that I am a unique creation who is created at a special time at a special moment with might who knows my qualities my characteristics something which nobody else has a face that nobody else has a soul that nobody else has the degree to which a person recognizes the uniqueness of themselves of their own mission will the be to the degree to which a person will not desire that which someone else has it's you know I'm saying the sickness of desiring what you have really means that I don't really appreciate that I have something special if I really said my mission in this world is so unique that no one can copy me no one can do what I do and no one's been created like me I don't need your car I need your money I don't need your good looks I don't your spouse my mission requires that which only I can achieve and I could achieve God will give me my own laboratory my laboratory of operation is not your laboratory of operation and they never over left and that says can you feel icky melanine boy even they don't even touch up to a hair's breath there isn't even a hair's breadth of overlap we have completely different laboratories of operation you're getting exactly what you need for your success and for your mission and I'm getting exactly which I need for my mission but if I feel there's nothing really unique about my mission that my mission is really sort of like I don't really have a mission you know I'd rather have your mission I'd rather have what you have what the core what the heart of desire of jealousy really stems from a lack of appreciation of self was that to help me because God's saying one of the ways we get the material that we need to achieve our goals is prayer we've got a working leg out of Dobbin prayers each thoughtless role we're asking for God is helping with my mission give me what I need for my mission not that I should have more but I need what I need for my mission it's saying that I want to achieve my mission and to achieve my mission I feel I need x y&z I achieve my mission I feel I need a spouse and I feel I think what I'd like I would like to look a pastor to give two children a big Jewish children I need some shell wealth to make it up and you know I need I need to speak to the project manager to help me get going anyway yeah something they got asked asking as he shot one of the ways we get what we need is through prayer God created the world like that just like he create the world that if you want to have make money you gotta get a job you know prayer is also establish you got asked if you feel you need it for your mission but not because you jealous of what he has do you feel like I really want to have guests and I really want to be able to Creston and vssr claim and I really feel that my family needs more space a lot more shell invites at home and a big house would help me God please give me the money to help me make it happen but if I'm diving for it because look I was not feed yet sit that he gets it she gets it yeah [Music] right right I think I think you know it's it's in general in general it's important to dive into in general you know like especially if I should do come right for sure you know she Duke him he always Dobbin in general you never dive in you'll make it half work out with this person or you know maybe it's the wrong person or it could even be that God so listens to our prayers he might give you that person and it might not be the best you know so we in general we should dive in it you know in more of a general statement however if we're really diving with sincerity for things that we feel it's what God wants you know then perhaps we can ask for things also and we can you know God look you know you know I I feel I need the money to to add an extension to the house you know because it would have more guests when you have a guest room would really make a big difference and you know if this is what you want for me god make it happen this would I you know that there's a way to say it to God you know I feel which we're demonstrating that we want what he wants for us but what we want when our goals and our will is his will and the less selfish it is and the more up altruistic it is I think the more specific we could be you know it's not about me gotta do this like I want to do more misses of this I want I wanted to happen you know if we feel that we're asking is somewhat self-serving and about it be careful I think we go in our hearts when we're doing that you know saying man you shouldn't want what he has exactly means I don't I don't write I'm not I don't have that feeling in my mind you know because he has it I deserve it I need it because she has it I wanted you know the feelings overlap a little bit you know but be very happy that person has and if my mission requires it God then give it to me but I'm totally comfortable that this person has it I don't feel that I don't feel that engine side you know like I wish I had that you know why does the app why did they have what I don't have but let me just finish her I don't hear this point I think it's very important this is this point I think this is maybe the most important rule when a person is jealous and is covetous of somebody else it really stems from the fact that there is a lack of appreciation that I am unique and I have a special mission something totally special about me now what does that have to do with honoring parents well take something good out of the parents the turret never says you have to like your parents I hope you do but you have to honor them most me to honor them you have to make sure they have food they have clothing they have you know all the material deeds they need a knife in my be sure my field my needle make sure their shoes you have to you have to respect the ethic in the couple you don't have to like them you know it's not just like that this is honor them now I hope because of our sense of gratitude and appreciation these are the people who have spent the better best part of their lives taking care of us you know that we we take them and we have to mend this gratitude which builds love and like and all that but toward never says thank let's say love them it says honor them and you know why it says honor them because why do we have to honor parents know I wanna write our parents because they brought us into this world in other words degree to which I realized that I am important and my coming to this world was significant it agreed to what to honor God's vehicles who brought me here if I fill up with nobody I don't deserve to live and I'm just you know I'm just generic you know some why should I honor these people wish I wasn't here wonder why what's unique about me anyway but the degree to which a person says there's something totally unique about me totally special about me and these two human beings were God's vehicles to bring me into this world because I am special its degree which we will honor that's to say honoring parents really is a reflection on the honor we give to ourselves that's the Torah says he'd ever have to like them it's gotta honor them because when you honor that you really honor the fact that there's something unique about you they brought you into this world and because you're unique you have to honor the people who help bring you there be what I'm saying that's by the way why you know honoring parents is so critical so crucial because it really reflects on how we feel about ourselves you know I remember that I don't know dr. Laura Davison dr. Laura in the old days this would be a psychologist on the radio then she got kicked off she was pretty good for a while but she she used to say that you know that adopted children cannot try to find the birth parent like she used to say like pretend the birth parent doesn't exist and you're just gonna get hurt anyway and just relate to the parents who raised you and there's a wisdom in that and and I'm not gonna deny it however I do feel that the natural need of a child to know the birth parent is so important there is so is so burning you know why because if a person really wants to feel that there's something special about them they need inside themselves to almost like touch the people who brought them here if you brought me into this world like I want to show you some gratitude I know you weren't so great than me you weren't so good to me you left whoof mom that you know when I was a little baby I understand that but yeah you really messed up in your life I recognize that and you probably heard mom a lot but you brought me into this world so I want to express my gratitude for that because I'm important and to deny a person that that that have that ability to recognize their own importance I think can be destructive in some way do what I'm saying commandment number five and ten are all built around the following principle the principle is that in order for a relationship to work you have to see what's special about you in the world of man and our creators it means you gotta honor your parents because there's something special about you in the world of man and man it means don't covet because what you have is completely unique and completely special and no one else can live your life for you you're clean you are totally different and special and unique but what's this thing about relationships it's saying that in order for relationships to work you have to realize there's something totally special about you perhaps that's the most important one of them all because we want to have a relationship with God guess what you know you got to realize that there's something unique about you otherwise how can you feel God how could I possibly you know know you you're so perfect and so good and so wonderful look at me but if I recognize waiting there's something special and unique about me I can also relate to God yeah how do we discover that's excellent question that's excellent question you know if I'm saying that for relationship human relationships to work they have to begin from the points but yeah there's something special about me you know before I answer that question let me just say that I think the reason why is because in order to have intimacy with another human being a person has to feel worthy a big loved if a person doesn't feel worthy of love how can they ever appreciate the other really loves them and the same time if a person feels that they're unique and they're special they look at the other person and reflect back that way too then if I'm special you're special too but that worthiness of feeling loved I can't be loved I'm worthy of being loved I'm worthy of the love that you give me because there's something unique and special about me that has to be at the heart of every relationship and that originates at the point of recognizing that your mission is completely unique now how do we get there what's your name Dina Dina's actually just in question like how does one arrive at that realization [Music] so you know I'll tell you the big that I'll tell you that the easy answer is you know of course we know it you know as we know we have different faces that means we have different souls we know that we entered this world at a time when was exactly the right time for us we certainly feel in our lives that there's something unique about me you know I think one of the greatest insults that a person could give anyone of us is to say like you know you're like everybody else you know I don't say anything different or special about you that might that might be the most hurtful thing you could ever say to somebody you know so I know inside myself that yeah there is something unique is I look different than everybody else I have this feeling inside of me that I'm unique and that I'm special but in terms of discovering you know really what it is how do you discover it you have to know it from within you have to know it from within you have to have to grab you know there's a great rabbi anusha line he passed away a vulva and he used to say to the guys I remember the old days he's to say to us I heard him say this he said that you know for the first 10 years of your life in the Shiva he said don't bother working on humility don't work on humility humility humility don't work on humility he said that the ability isn't our problem he said the problem of our generation is that we don't appreciate the greatness that can we contain within us it's the first 10 years of you growth in you Shiva used to say go inside yourself and discover what's really great about you and focus on it don't don't don't worry about Gaia don't be you don't be afraid to feel good don't be afraid to say like I'm really good at this like I really have this you know after you thought that for 10 years then then we'll work on ability then we'll try to keep keep the ego down a little bit but that's not our problem our generation you know fast we live in a generation you know where individuality is something which is so easy to lose you know so submission commission is really another area but you know that takes it also takes a lot of internal work you know the two ways to discover it you know one way to discover it is to see where we naturally tend to be good at naturally tend to be good at things that we gravitate towards you know I really like this this touches - on a certain way another way to discover mission is interesting by the way the areas in life that we have the most difficulty with the areas of life the most difficulty with community areas the xrr is really putting a lot of pressure on us because that's there we have greatness in you know I'll tell you a secret then I wasn't gone through about number of years when I was in Colo yeshiva feeling that I'm I'm a failure as a teacher many years where I felt that way that I'm is no way I could teach her I'm gonna be I'm gonna be a failure as a teacher I had that feeling for many years and once I started teaching and getting out in the world of rabona s-- i mean i mean i hope i hope my purpose of life is to teach i hope i hope you enjoyed the class tonight but i hope i hope i supposed to be doing is to teach so i realize perhaps that the eight sahar was working on me in a way exactly where the area of supposed to perfect myself funny that's that's you got to keep it down so sometimes it's a good idea to look in the areas of life which are difficult and don't give up on those areas because that might exactly be the area we're supposed to really come out [Music] yeah there could be be part of a mission you know by the part of the mission you know whatever it is a commission has many aspects right it's a bunch of things that but you can offer the world you know person s acid salt this question daily you know Hashem why did you create me what why am I here what why did you create this Jewish person as part of this you know Jewish family what is unique and special about me what can I offer that nobody else can offer know that it's not difficult you know that that doesn't come overnight by the way it doesn't come overnight there's a lot of work that has to go into that but you have to be asking that question gas that question so what the questions are asking so much Hashanah right what's your China we're gonna come before God so it says one way we come for guidance is we coming from the comic guide like one at a time it says that going through a narrow narrow mountain pass music cut me for God one at a time God looks at you incest you like so you know I created you to be you who are you and the cuts Carell used to say you know if I am you because you are you and you are you because I am I the time that I and you're not you just that again if I am you because you are you and you are you because I am I then I am NOT I and you are not you if I look right if I have to try to discover myself just by comparing myself to you and I'm not me if you're just trying to be you by yourself to me me not you either but if I am I and you are you if I'm looking to discover what unique about me that doesn't mean not just to look at others for inspiration we should another person really succeeds in something book cabinet try to copy it but see I'm trying to copy to make me that person I'm not trying to copy to be you up trying to copy to bring out me you know it's like when you play basketball go something's better than you it's not because you want to be then you want to be you you want to bring out your your your strengths that's the idea and when you see someone else could do it who you'll discover something inside of you that you know was there that's good looking discovered you but the relationships it's so important but you gotta know there's something unique about you because we know there's something unique about you you feel worthy of love God if I don't feel unique like how can I feel you really love me and on this side if I don't feel something special about me how could I feel the other my spouse whomever loves me you got to discover the specialist in you so let's review what do we say we have ten commandments five relationship principles what are they they are number one existence recognize the other exists outside of you number two uniqueness there's something unique about the other which can't be replaced no idolatry no adultery number three respect proper property God's name or don't kidnap which means boundaries in relationship don't trample number four look for what's true about the other see the whole picture Emmit at number five honor your parents don't covet recognize that your uniqueness is something so special you don't need something that belongs to someone else and your parents are really special because they brought you here recognized as unique this about you and if you recognize that you can feel truly worthy of a love the other offers service radishchev I hope we demonstrate something tonight thank you ma'am its power relationship principles hope you enjoyed it thank you so much inviting to speak to you thank you for staying to the end I hope you do it thank you [Applause]