Rabbi Perr - Supporting Others in Times of Tragedy

if i want to read it she lives in israel and she raised about two kids a nine-year-old daughter and a 13-year-old son will go on a hike he's very popular for experience and takes five hours so they drop the kids off at 10 o'clock in the morning and at four o'clock which is of course six hours later it's about a five-hour hike so sitting in the car waiting for the piece to come back come on to the other end of the uh of the weight and the throttle will set because he's going to show up as an hour away from taking that on the kids haven't taken their cell phones because there's a waterfall that's supposed to jump down eight meters into a pool 824 feet and you have to swim across and continue climbing so therefore the cell phone will be killed by water so she's sitting in the car and she's waiting there and she starts saying philly and so she starts to walk back the other way on the trail when she sees the farmer she sees her son running sir where's the daughter she's already where is the typical mother she's crazy most people be friends again so he says that she's not hurt but she's stuck on the trail because they'll climb to the list be part of the trail and that's this place you have to go straight up even more than straight up by the rock comes down towards you and she was too scared to keep going i tried that offer i showed her exactly where to put her foot i think it tried but she refused she spent a long time on the ledge and she finally told me to go ahead and get her so she runs back the mother on the back of the car and she finds the brochure and it says emergency telephone number she dominated and she's also park ranger location and she's just there nervously and fighting his way through uniformly and effectively pull up with a stretcher and a bone and metal hooks and somehow get like a cliff and then one day is you answer is your daughter injured she says no she's just scared so he says you need your son stay here we'll take every door don't worry and he sees she's saying to him sisters continue saying too when they told me that i should redeem it uh diamond is less than comforting but i did finally pick up truck returns if i put a smile in the back and they uh get the kiss into the car another way she asked how she hide the door how did you get how to get you up the cliff so i climbed up myself you climbed up yourself i was stunned i thought you were just scared i was i was you guys came here to where i was and this one guy stood right behind me and said i mean i'm a war go up and remember if i fell back i would swim on him so i wasn't hearing what it's just going to be so he starts to talk about this whole concept it's so moving to me when a person has undergone a devastating divorce or giving birth to a child with problems or received a diagnosis terrible diagnosis looking bankrupt somebody died so the friends and the relatives want to be helpful the person's problem is so complicated we don't have to help the person i have a friend's 21 year old daughter was killed in a terror attack everybody in back responded with an outpouring of wonder support three months later my friend mentions me that one of her oldest dearest friends was avoiding her this friend who was far away used to visit every young facilities especially she didn't come because she didn't quote then she told me that she walked through the narrow streets of michelangelo city and she's neighbors coming toward her and then they tucked into a side street to avoid meeting her i know this is true because there's somebody i know who's very sick right now for many years i call this person once and i'll avoid them to call the person this phenomenon is widespread and is discussed in psychological literature people don't know what to say when they're afraid to say normal thing they're making it worse so they avoid the victim of tragedy exactly when they're most needed they think as if their job to pull a person up the cliff which is impossible to become helpless but i learned something else stay in front of the minded person and say in his words or even with silence i am of war i'm here for you you are capable of going up that will give him the courage to take the next step that means we're not the great rescuer we're not philosophers we're not giving them the advice that we don't want to advise we're not asking questions why about you choose chemotherapy is that trying something else you didn't ask we're not asking why the most active miracle or the marriage wants to be one of the wars we're not speaking to them with a pity i'm so sorry babies i'm so sorry i'm here now it's so interesting what do you mean here i was listening to when we listened to this tape together and on the tape elliot from atlanta film was getting the kidney says the biggest visit was that about five times a day his brothers and sisters called and all said well you're from and while i was listening to that i was astonished this is i learned to take twice the first thing i was just saying i was still established what does it mean i'm here for you they weren't giving their kidney they weren't doing anything yet for you well if you need something you know they don't need was second on them and then when i started reading this piece which my work showed me that's what it's about i'm here for you first time listen i'm not a young kid i never heard this before i'm astonished satan personally what does that mean and he says on a tape and we all says on the table and the biggest visit was this every year for you what does that mean i don't know but the person doesn't feel so i was thinking many times i've thought this before but i never realized it applies to life you know when you don't you go into a kingdom without so everybody says we've come to give the the final respect made for the final display i don't know what that means they call it the healing like it's not more neither should the club it actually would cover it up and finally somebody had this up and everybody's confident i might look up in the uh before my mom was gone i couldn't find an expression called africa has not to me to be correct is that we have mainstay how hard it must be to be dead and that we are accompanying a dead person to show them that person they're not alone but i never understood that about women that there's such things as a living person you're not alone so when i wrote this statement so i decided that i would go and i will hold this person up who i've been avoiding before going once it's almost such a thing meanwhile i spoke to somebody else like also was very sick and just discovered that he said things very exciting to me and i said i'd like to come over and see you so what did you do for me he said come in i came in i sat with a person told me a medical story told me what his plans automatically what's going to be done so in the united states very unpleasant i hope he has a revolutionary you know the person said to me thank you so much for coming he told me don't come you don't have to come he said thank you so much you're gonna have another person who was very terrible terrible illness and just unbelievable it's just better the agony of the rafale is you know my projectile flow he's a very professional he said to me now again he tells me every time he's a gentle person thank you for calling thank you for caring thank you the first person to pick up the phone was his wife that's not her husband is oh he's getting better he's getting stronger would you like to talk to him she said every time she wants to pick up the problem because she knows that it needs something to do so he might know what means but it seems the person does benefit but i know i am much older than you guys and i never knew that the person benefits from the weakness and you don't want to annoy the person either but you're looking at it it's not bad enough the source of the idea will be unknown but very sick and he suffers hey how are you doing that people shouldn't be going and just to show the person that you care about the call the person that you're here it seems that she's an administration this story she tells about the woman who felt terrible because she's being avoided by her friends who don't know what to say there so right after the daughter's murdered by terrorists jeffrey's there and the vital invited you know crying with him and everything else but three months later the parent doesn't forget a child so we see three months i think there were three years even thirty years i'm sorry it's over so it's just even thirty years you don't forget a child it's unbearable and they're all avoiding just because everyone's safer that's funny my friend sushana ligand believed me when everyone in our community was really because the mother of many children had been diagnosed with serious illness they don't even say more cancers i say serious illness shine walk into their house and announce i'm here even wonderful no i lose them you yourself have to be strong not in muscles but that everything was painful and challenging comes from a budget world everything comes from number two that everything including what is painful and challenging is for our ultimate benefit we were gonna say immediately but ultimately because even if it kills a person it's for their benefit why is it they're meant to be killed to die because maybe they're doing terrible things and they'll have a terrible manner for it or maybe since they had a short life don't have a biggest heart because they took less benefits from the world so the bigger thing so the first thing is now but everything comes with work the second thing is our benefit ultimately for them the person who gains personal needs from everything everything is actually but what was that is the third thing is everything especially what is painful is opportunity for spiritual health the slides from it i remember going to shiva many years ago the family that i didn't know them directly but their daughter was an accident there was a doctor over here she was a dominant woman and she sat with city shiva and uh her family said the sugar was like this they went into flatbush and they became from and they got very fruitful and they became fun for people and they sent their kid to yeshiva he was seven years old and he was born on my school bus and the driver's license in the flat bush streets in one way streets all over them it's in the flat the streets a school bus driver i know that i've seen so many times he's supposed to park the bus at an angle and he's letting the kid off so that nobody can pass it so you fill up the whole street which is quite easy with the bus which is long on the street as well this guy he just powered parallel double marked and another guy who's in a rush pushed his car between the bus and he had a parked car just as it keeps getting off until we can these parents these people have been from that recently came from shotgun and the girl was saying their of course the sister of the child she was something like 20 or whatever i know of 22 women and the japanese parents are sitting there and i when i watched my winds and i said to my mind from the way i said i hate to go to a place like this because there you might ask me rabbi why did god do this to us we just became religious why did god do this to us what am i supposed to say if you answer that question and they think i know because they haven't weird it's just it's just terrible time to go to such a situation just there so once a baby seven year old baby we came there and that was a great fear as i said to you i was great for the right word but i was nervous about it they've been asked this question i had a conversation with them and the mother said it to me the mother said to me she says to me what god does is for the good it's from my own spirit just putting it over it's just it's too much so in this article she writes that if we cultivate ourselves the strength to be kind of that which is the foundation of the industry and we can strike from everything i don't know if the best part is so important i know people are interested in schneiderlin certainly you don't have a personal situation well you just fight for this being happy enough to say that but the person itself should know if they can bear it it's very thankful we shouldn't have to strive that way don't worry about it but let's leave that one out what's that so hard let it first do the first one is everything in the russians everything the second one is that everything's for the bullet i want to see a guy named her daughter was in a car with there was being five girls in it two in the front and three in the back seat and his daughter was the middle one in the back seat and the heart turned over and his daughter was killed and nobody else had scratched on him not one other roman car had a scratch on her and this woman was killed she felt like as she drawn her head or her neck and broke it was it crocked over she said to me god reached down into the car and plucked my daughter away i had no question about it because opposition that was she was in the safest placement apart she was in the back seat and she was pushing between two people how could you be safer than that so very hesitant in me i said does it make you feel better when you realize that when you recognize that he said no it doesn't so there's no guarantee that it makes you feel better but i think that was his strength to bear it i think it is right but the finish in this article that i wanted to read to you is and this is a great truth and i know it's matter i haven't read the articles of big truth not only if the person has the emotion themselves but even somebody near them will have the one that was not going through it and therefore it's very easy the to because he's not going through enough suffering but even a person who has the moon of themselves who's who who brings himself close to the person suffering can also be the size of the person [Music] it radiates i know that at least that's my father what they have to talk about for me in many things first i answered your hand was talking to somebody i said yes you can he said do you have to talk to somebody else and say yes he said you have to go to the next one a person gives you strength truth of the matter is that in the circle of people of friends one person gives a lot of physique together it's true one person is let's say firmer than the rest it's because of this person one cousin in a family is like that i want to call him a little rabbit because some people make fun of melancholy but one person the little zodiac he's the friend of god the whole family is moved by it don't the other guys that are very far from it very often you know the guy who raises german shops because he has a cousin who's a signaler it's amazing and he's very you know he will never say but never admit it and you'll never ask it but the guy you know he's uh by nature he's he's not a guy gets up to chakras if he dies at all for two seconds to fix he doesn't even do that so he doesn't wash your bench or anything like that and then he was out of the question you know nice and busy but he has a cousin who's a he has a cousin or a brother or somebody who's uh sitting in the learning and documentaries see he also has elevated by that i know that i've seen that i've seen that i've seen that see he's a much better person because he has such a cause later on in life he may break to somebody it's in bataan it gives kissing to other people and it's easier for you of course to have it than that person's suffering it means a lot to them somebody let me just review again of course you have to know how to talk to them but saying i'm here or maybe not sitting here just being there silently how are you i want you know i care this person that i'm hesitating to quote because i don't know what to say to this person i know what to say now first of all i said it's only going to bear my mind according to this first thing i want to tell you i'm going to fight that with you which is true i haven't seen all that why do they're not because they should reckon have a course of life in their classes because they want to know your nominee for it you should not be good after them people care and then i had another experience that went with this one that here in the yeshiva told me that they might be like a child and said i asked the book or how when this person was sitting and asked the book how did he respond he said it was like he was very happy that we came and that proved to me that what it says it was true because if the person didn't want he would say you know i got not searched but i have to go put up with these these kids who want to do business i'm going to be uh to be the subject of their business you know they want to use to get a message i should get arrested there my wound they want to shake me what do i have to put up with this school so from the responses this guy told me i saw that it started true and then i will call him and see about his responses see i'm supposed to be in israel i know exactly when this punishment itself is much better about where is it and the minimum of the talking that and yet is supposed to have the minimum it's not a promised menace everything is a reality you know what it is from one other child and this mother her son owned this medicine dedication or the next marriage that's her son who died i think he was 34 years old and this mother also died harry young but she died before him she was in hospital three weeks ago she was different for she wasn't terrorists and she said to me i have absolutely been absolutely tough from the parish he's taking care of everything's right everything's good and i've heard of your emotions she can just say an aspirin she said to herself absolute trust shakes you up so talking about hearing about and understanding it is so important so valuable what an asset and what is the asset that's what the author says the answer says two things means that it does for you that means that it's an asset i used the russian when i told you trying to explain you have it in your pocket it's just above your assets to have in your pocket it's two things the first thing is that your mother believes when you need it the second thing is that you've got it in your pocket it's like walking around with it it's like walking around in a inaudible pistol on your back