Rabbi Rafael Ribacoff & Rabbi Akiva Rutenberg - Fast-Paced Shalom Bayit & Relationship Q & A (Zoom)

[Music] I'd like to take this opportunity first and foremost to welcome everyone who is part of this program tonight and I hope you and your families are doing well emotionally physically spiritually definitely challenging times but as we know challenges always have opportunities lying in their midst and it's really as a foot to be co-hosting this program tonight together with one of my esteemed colleagues rabbi Rebecca the person who has helped so many couples in the Huayra community in Jewish community over the last 25 plus years together with his HS Kyle mrs. Roberts and I D never become the social worker robbery become doesn't have the degree but he should have at least two or three from all his experience and once a year we do an event in in Baker Brio shown by it question and answer which Raphael and the euros together with Kozak and and Robert Van Zeeland Collatz co and we look forward to that every year and this event tonight is sort of a continuation of that of that forum but in a different different modality so my background to those who don't know know me personally my background is both as a my background is both as a clinical social worker as well as well as a rabbinic background and I also have the opportunity to be one of the directors of Emmet outreach a community and campus outreach organization based in Queens that has an opportunity where Hashem to help so many young couples that people find their path and tour and its work and it's a it's it's a real support to be here together with with Roberto as I said once more please feel free to message me any any questions that you have relationships and if it's appropriate for this forum we'll do our best to to address them is anyone getting like feedback or it's clear thumbs up if it's clear thumbs up okay great okay Rabbi Rico if we can before we start two questions if I could ask you just to like introduce yourself and maybe just give a short maybe three minute message to everyone whose arms okay thank you very much for inviting me to come in to join and this interesting forum zoom meeting or sham I hope everyone is healthy and well and enjoying the time together with their families we don't sometimes appreciate the time that we have with each other so this is an opportune time to really take full advantage of spending time with the wives and the children and the family very important so let's take that for granted but at the same time it's understanding how important the shown by it is raising of the children relationships in general and to appreciate you know what we have available and learning and expand your horizons when it comes to this idea of raising up a Jewish home it's very important that we learn from others listen to the advice of those who are more experienced those that have some degrees in the in the in dealing with these types of relationships and issues that that might come along if it's very normal to have are you ups and downs the question is how you deal with it it's important to the seek the advice of a professional if necessary whether it's the rabbis rabbits in the social workers marriage counselors therapists in getting the the right advice that's necessary for for everyone that's out there so the main T that we should remember is that by not asking the question as well as the Mishnah tells us the by Shawn is not the one who learns because they're too scared ask the question that when it comes in there's there's there's no such thing as as a wrong question or an embarrassing question or something that there is an answer for everything so we need to reach out to those people that are able to help and not to feel embarrassed and that the trying the best that we can to try to take care of as much as we can in the community as well okay thank you we're gonna jump in and begin begin with our questions so somebody asked the following question how do you express differences of opinion in front of children if something happens that way I understand the question if something happens when your kids are around that you have a difference of opinion with your spouse about how do you express a difference of opinion with them while still showing them respect while still keeping proper respect okay very good question I would say a big rule number one so reliable when it comes to raising children especially discipline between the parents is that you have to be a United force it's important for the children to understand that the mommy and the daddy are united in their understanding of how they want to raise the children especially in front of the children so if there is a difference of opinion it's important for the other parents who might not agree or go home with the idea of the discipline or whatever is because the campaign about the other parent should in front of the children at least to agree with the other parent and definitely after I guess the time when they were there alone to be able to discuss and to see what whether that decision was the right decision to be to be made and to reevaluate in to go over it again but in front of the children you have United force the children are very smart they pick up right away when one parent is saying one thing and another parent is saying another thing so that's the point and that they you know they're at least in front of the children showing a united one force an idea of how to discipline and raise the children and finisher comes up they're going to be discussed behind closed doors where the two do not hear and understand that there might be a revaluation of how to deal with certain issues when it comes to you know how to discipline the child with a think of the child tree as a candy you know having sort of friends overall games you know whatever I might be again unless unless it's dangerous to the child unless it's something uh which can cause damage or harm definitely if you need to step into to take the bull by the horns and to take end of the issue for sure you should take care of me but if it's if it's just something that's not worth the fight in front of the children what to disagree and then especially if it cannot be done in a respectful way or in a way that the other person might feel that you are demeaning my coupled by honor for the child so and might be detrimental to the spouse and to the child's work for them to hear and to see and that there is the supreme is between the parents in that situation okay thank you thank you everyone come on that we have another question over here what do we do if one spouse is growing in Torah and mitzvot and the other is resistive to resistive to change very different haschke felt very different approach to Torah and mitzvot how do we how do we handle those differences in our relationship if I recall every coat this is one of the more common questions that were asked in our Q&A panel right yeah so if you don't mind if you could if you want to speak first when I have something that's okay I feel in general when it comes to relationships especially when a couple is going out religion is an important factor for them to to take into consideration are they both on the same page today saying that same goals the same ideas it makes it that much more easier when they're very similar in their in their scuffle and their religiosity and the keeping of the Torah MIT's well keeping Shabbat things like that because once you get married this is who that individual is this is who you're marrying and you took them to consideration before when you're going out with them before getting married that you know this is who I am and accept me for who I have you know where I stand with what I stand for and change you know could happen and a lot of it gets old lip service yeah I'll do once we get married of this after that but they have to be committed beforehand so it's important that even before we get married that we have that is one of the you know priorities in looking in something in the spouse that they have very similar religious goals religiosity levels amongst themselves and it does happen once you do get married that you know one of them becomes inspired they go to shul they were a lecturer and they were a book and and they they feel like they want to grow you know and in their own religiosity and at the same time the other person or the other spouse it's not it's not growing at the same pace and what happens you have a disparity you have at different levels among the couple one is very religious one is not and that what usually happens is that the one who's becoming religious wants the other one to become more religious and the other one says what do you want for me this is who you married this is who I am and I'm not ready I don't feel it I'm the way you do so the best way would be if it's possible the more you shouldn't be understanding just like it took time for you to be inspired to ignite that spark within you to become more religious and to learn and to grow and keep the fourth and shelah whatever it is it's example other person as well and if we do the right people to the right environment to understand what it's very very very important when it comes to people that are for super to but people that are coming back into the fold it's a religion to be very gentle to be very caring very understanding very patient religion is not something to be shoved down somebody's throat I'm sorry to say it cannot be forced on anyone they have to want to become religious and this is something that if they they see you as an example of what religion stands for or what it represents as the example of being a good person being loving being caring being joyful being happy things that that religion is all about and be able to convey that message to them to understand and is a beautiful wonderful thing and it's just for the betterment of me as an individual between me and us in a relationship to mean God and understanding the different levels that we have it just comes up more in a beautiful way so it's important to be very patient very understanding and to try to you know to control to try to motivate other individual to try to come to the schooi and try try to learn trying to understand it but at the same time being paid and standing a let them grow step back taking them from one level to the higher level and then they might resent it afterwards because it was done too much too fast and they weren't ready for it and it could be an issue that go back far for you down the road [Music] okay sorry it looks it looks like I was muted I'm sorry Thank You Erica um I would there's very little to add to what you just said then I would just add that from my experience when people are at different religious levels sometimes what happens is a few things one is that we we who become let's say one spouse became more inspired we will often expect the other person to have the same inspiration that we have and if we came into the relationship on the same level and then one of us became inspired it's not a realistic thing to expect that the other person is just going to change yeah because we because we change sometimes when a person connects tutorial they see the light so to speak and they feel the clarity of the tourist so much that it's like how could you not see this how could you not see that yeah like like the famous tomorrow and when you're Shimon bar Yochai came out from from the from the from the what's it called from the cave with his son and and he he burned people up with his eyes right and we we sometimes when we get inspired we also burn people up with our eyes it could be our family members it could be our spouse and we were so inspired how could you not value Shabbat Shabbat is everything I love Shabbat I love how can you not value it and sometimes when our spouse feels we're pushing them then they push back and then we could get very stuck because we feel like what am I supposed to do it's the right thing how do I do this and create a lot of a lot of tension so there is no simple solution to this but my first and really main suggestion in this type of situation it's probably the best suggestion about marriage advice in general which is if you want to work on your marriage work on yourself work on yourself and what that means is is that in work on becoming more really inspired yourself work on making your Shabbat even more holy inside for yourself and if you do that if you're inspired and you go into Shabbat with that integration it becomes contagious and over time very often not always very often people around us it could be our children a lot of times this issue happens with children a family decides to become religious after a loved one passes away and their children who were teenagers before doing whatever they want now suddenly oh we are now assuring about family and this is what you're doing Shabbat and this is what you do and the kids are like what just happened here who just made up these rules what just happened right and I think the more we can be internally inspired the more we can be internally connected you know one of the things that happened because of Corona of a river called touched on this in the beginning but I felt so strong about this from the beginning of this situation over three months ago people were saying what's the message what is the message what is hashem trying to tell us with this corona thing and a lot of people said a lot of different messages I don't know if those messages are true or not true one message I think we could all agree is true which is Hashem wants us to be eternally connected to him he wants us to be internally connected not just externally connected not just I go to shul and I'm part of a tequila which is so important not that I'm part of the yeshiva and I'm part of this which is so important but that I am connected to Hashem I personally am connected there me and my family are connected and I think that there's a message in the fact that we were forced to stay home the quarantine we were forced to be in our own selves and forced to be with our own families that we need to be more personally individually connected to ourselves and my suggestion to this couple where one spouse has become more observant than the next is to work on themselves to become more inspired internally more connected internally and very often it will wear off on the other person this the second the second thing I would say is is that we we don't want to expect anything of our spouse we don't want to put expectations and say I expect you to do this at this point I expect you to do this but if if we if we allow our spouse to make small steps in their growth which is really the healthiest way for us to grow ourselves as well that makes a very big difference as well and I seen this with many couples who are accepting of their spouse and allow their spouse to take it in small steps and it makes a very very big difference ok ok so now we have a very interesting question remember that was sent to us over email and the question is the following what are normal problems to have in marriage versus terrible problems worth ending it cut ribbon it's it's a it's a broad it's a broad question but can you take a stab at a very broad question I guess everybody will tell you to have corner court issues and problems in marriage is very normal yes it does depends what are some of the issues and the problems that you're dealing with deciding whether to vote to pump the democratic-republican I don't think it's a reason to get a divorce with all some couples might you know be very stuck up on their political positions and now they'll doom on everything but it really depends every couple is different every couple has the tolerance level of what they can take with the other or the other individual I firmly believe that every the book every marriage everything is made from Hashem and there's a reason why you married this individual there's definitely a reason why you need to work on the marriage to make it work as you mentioned before working on yourself to become a better person is definitely one of the main reasons we get married to become a better individual a better person because living with another individual and having kids and they're not easy and they perceive others and they drive you crazy that's their job and that's what we're here for to try to become better people between us between our spouses between our families between a sham so so again it depends on the couple it depends what the issues are but when you're dealing with the major catastrophes that are healthcare and again and even in these levels every couple is different when you're dealing with abuse god forbid whether it's physical whether it's emotional whether sexual have a baby I mean these things are definitely need the advice and reaching out to professionals to try to help you and to guide you and to see what to do when it comes to addictions there's also some issues that need to be discussed with a professional and deal with it how to get around it how to work with it how to help the other individual again it depends of what the diction is we're dealing with mental issues again it depends is it possible to go to a doctor is it possible to be put under control with medication it's therapy gonna help definitely a very combination of all those things so it really depends on what we're dealing with sometimes the the big the big issues where where a person feels threatened the person feels not safe in the marriage there's abuse where again it's dangerous to be in this type of a marriage but even these things with the advice and help of professionals could be taken care of and it really depends on another spouse you can infidelity where you know again it depends on the couple you know I'm not condoning it I'm not saying it's right it's definitely wrong whether even looking at inappropriate sites is also it's wrong it's not something that will help America just makes things worse so it's important that you know we are seeking out the help and advice for the professionals to help us get over these issues not there's no reason to keep it all inside and to think that I'm alone there's nobody else there to help me that there's plenty of support group out there defending professionals that are able to help you the one who's being abused or being taken advantage of and at the same time with other individual to get the help and professional advice to help them to try to get over whatever it is that that's causing some of the issues in the marriage thank you I'll just add briefly to that that if there is if there is abuse and talking about like physical abuse to even like extensive emotional abuse that very often the situation needs the needs to be changed and the person needs to at least get out of the abusive situation doesn't mean necessarily there should be a divorce but sometimes you have to change can have a separation of sorts to create a healthier dynamic to the relationship I would say that very often what I find is that couples have this mindset that we should stay together for the kids and I strongly feel that no couple should stay together exclusively for the kids what does that mean it's definitely worth fighting for a relationship because of the kids hear me clearly I want to be clear about that it's definitely worth fighting for a relationship even more than if you would you would otherwise because because of the children but to stay in unhealthy relationship again obviously it depends how unhealthy the relationship is just for the sake of the children I believe very often has ultimately a negative influence on the children as well a relationship has to be healthy for the husband and wife in order for it to be healthy for the children and for the children when the question was asked what is considered a relationship that you should let it go or go forward towards the Voorhis craft you know what is a relationship that should be worked on it can be fixed personally I feel that almost every relationship has an ability to be fixed almost every relationship has an ability because sometimes we can't ride so many different ways and at certain times he isn't fixable certain times and the Torah does have a concept of divorce and as a mitzvah in certain circumstances - for someone to get support so the last last resort however and I think just to piggyback on a biblical said very often what I find is people do not get help until the problems become extreme they wait till the problems become very very big and then they go to get help I like so many sign of once used an example in the lecture that I heard him give once and he said imagine if you had a fire in your basement god forbid and you're sleeping on the third floor and you turn to your spouse and you say I think there's a fire in the basement and you spouse's yeah but it's the basement let's go back to sleep why do we have to worry about the basement I guess so the first floor uh maybe we have a problem maybe we've had to deal with it the reality is is that sometimes we when it comes to two issues in our relationships we get so busy with life that we don't look into it and don't work on it and don't try to resolve it and get the best help that we could get and I think that it's important to keep this in mind that our relationships our marriage is the most important thing of our life our marriage and our children are the most important thing in the world and in our world and we live in a very materialistic world that puts values on so many other things just this morning I had a conversation with someone was a very good person and a big bout sadaqa someone who loves giving sadaqa and loves helping the community so many different ways but this person has in their mind that if they're not worth a certain amount of money in the many millions by the time they hit a certain age then their failure and I looked at this person who I respected a lot and I said to this person I said you're wrong I said your greatest success is not whether you're worth 5 million or 10 million or a million dollars your greatest success is the combination of the values how you live your life the the relationship you have with your children the relationship you have with your wife I should imagine if ten years from now you're 45 years old and you're worth 10 million dollars but your children don't talk to you they only come to you for money your wife doesn't feel connection to you what kind of relationship what kind of relationship what kind of person is that a success and I said no I don't think that's the success I share has other ways to help the community it has many other ways hopefully you'll be one of those ways but the idea is the idea is that is that we have to work on our relationships we have to work on our relationships very often when we find the correct receive in your behalf as well is that people often they accept are not healthy relationships they just accept it they live with it they just say oh yeah that's me and my spouse this is what we have we don't we don't have such a great relationship and and and they just accept it and then when there's a crisis hits them or something else happens and they have a teenager that's rebelling and their relationship is already shaky and oh my gosh the whole thing starts to topple like you put a weight on top of a shaky building and and and it has a very big problem so my suggestion to the person who asked the question what relationships you call it quits why don't you do it I think almost every relationship can be worked on he's not always able to be fixed but almost our relationship can be worked on but my my my I beg you everyone on this call a missed call and all your friends and relatives and everyone else go work on your relationship I just got a book called ten minutes a day to a better marriage by dr. Mayer Mayer week on Twitter Winkler beautiful book ten minutes a day and you know I insist he says why 10 minutes a day he says because more than ten minutes no one's gonna even do it no one has a chance to do it but ten minutes everyone could spend ten minutes working on their relationship and I want to give a Kazakh book that everyone was on the zoom whether you're showing your video you're not showing your video you're the heroes with every person who works on their relationship every person who works on the show Mumbai is a hero the Jewish people we have it Emmitt every year couples retreat because you remember me saying this many times at the retreat I look at all the couples we have used 125 couples more and I tell them I say everyone in this room you bizarre flesh em are going to be the great great grandparents to tens of thousands of children and grandchildren how you live your life how you live your relationships the way you live your life is going to make a tremendous impact on the future on the future of the Jewish people and I just I just can't say enough the importance of putting in the effort to work on our relationships you I just want to go live um I was waiting if you can give me a second I'll go live because you guys are giving such beautiful answers and I think everybody on live would love to hear this if you give me a second I could go live I don't want to remember sorry my camera is off I I'm trying to do this one second you're like seeing such great things and I feel like all the Facebook needs to hear this just need one minute the river cup I'm just I have a little warning for you the questions are getting harder beginning we're gonna enter round 2 we're entering round 2 okay there's always time there's always time this is Emmet we my lemon house man and you our lives so rabbika before you answer questions like repeat the question the question yeah so the question is i'll read it directly from the person who asked the question what are normal problems to have in marriage versus terrible problems worth ending it so so just to summarize my answer for those on Facebook my answers almost every marriage I believe can be worked on the best of marriages and the worst of marriages can be worked on there are certain situations that if there's abuse or every becomes mentioned previously if there's abuse or something like this we're definitely needs at least a separation in those cases but almost every marriage can be worked on and the importance is to remember that we need to work on it um I heard this once from Debbie Greenblatt she's a lecturer a very good speaker and she said people have this mistake they think that there's two types of people in the world goes with show and bite and those without showing by two people types of people there's like healthy people and unhealthy people and they're summoned by it people are not shown buying people and she said this is a big mistake there's no such thing as a family that doesn't need to work on their songs by Charlaine by is a constant process of people working on themselves like I mentioned before and working together on their relationship they just say I wish you mentioned before having a getting a divorce it is a mitzvah I remember of it's a lavash mom used to say all the time they're getting a divorce is like an amputation before you switch on cut it off you get one opinion a second opinion a third opinion you don't just do it right away you make sure to exhausted all the possibilities of saving whatever it is that the son is together implicate so when it comes to marriage as well and you have to make sure that you've exhausted all the resources that are out there you've reached out to all the rabbis the remnants interest that can help you and then if everyone raises up their hands and said enough is enough and you feel that enough is enough sometimes you need to have an amputation but again like you said it's the last last last last resort but it's always there in case of emergency to be used a bit I do tell couples understand it because sometimes people have this idea that once this one little problem in the marriage it's almost a conditional marriage it's a mistake I wanna get and that's the wrong mindset the wrong attitude a person should have again as you mentioned from the beginning every couple has their issues that they need to work through every person has something about themselves that needs improvement and the reason why Hashem God put you together with this individual is to bring out the best that you have but I teach the fathanah colonizes I tell them why does God want you to get married what's the purpose of marriage for what you make the individual you found them just live together quota for as husband and wife why need to get married and one of the reasons is because once your quote/unquote tied down to another individual now I need to work on myself now I need to become a better person I need to be patient to be loving to be caring and to understand what another person's all about a man or woman were different when it comes to the children they're professionals they hear the press are mothers and the drivers cuckoo that's their job and they're very good at it but for or for me to become a better individual and work for me to be able to shine and to bring out the best that I have something I share needs to squeeze us a little bit and to bring us the juice the the the the the beauty that you have within yourself to really work on yourself not to lose it at the hands in the hand blue hands go flying all over the place it's for you to be in control to understand the situation to make it the best if you to become a better person a better individual getting a divorce is is Concord easy as they say but you have to live with ramifications afterwards you have to live the next day and what is the next day going to bring if we tell them with kids there'll be kids without a mother and a father they'll be coming in from a broken home class of Shalom and and I can mentioned before it's better to invest the money that you would spend on the lawyers to spend it on making the marriage a better place a safer place a loving place a beautiful place for for you and your spouse and for the children as well okay okay thank you thank you very much so the next question I'm going to I'm going to read it from the person's own writing I feel very unhappy at this point mostly because of the pandemic I'm feeling overwhelmed and depressed even though my spouse is helping me in every way which I appreciate from the bottom of my heart I'm still feeling down my spouse would like to know how he can help me should I seek outside help for the sake of Sholem bite I've wrote as a professional what do you say so basically basically the person is saying that they're attributing their unhappiness to the pandemic they're feeling overwhelmed and depressed even though they recognize that their spouse is helping right and they appreciate and which she appreciates very much but she's still feeling very down so I'll tell you something that I'm personally seen with people during the pandemic and this makes a lot of sense that if somebody had certain issues below the surface before the pandemic they are often coming through the surface now because of a lot of stresses and different factors that are going on so just as giving an example I bumped into somebody yesterday I hadn't seen in a few months and this is a very accomplished person who you would think looking at the person does not necessarily have a very big issue of anxiety having said that we don't really know who has issues of anxiety because anxiety is one of those challenges see if someone's depressed it's hard to hide that but there's so much anxious we can we cannot hide our anxiety for a very long time and even the people really close to us sometimes don't realize how anxious we are you know just to give you an example of this according to the data the typical person who suffers from OCD obsessive-compulsive disorder has symptom as the the disease so to speak for seven to nine years before their own family members know about that's how they are able to to keep it right so this particular person I see him and it was so clear to me from the first moment that he is suffering from tremendous amount of anxiety during this time of corona and he's paralyzed literally paralyzed by the fear of not being able to breathe because he he saw people who weren't who weren't able to breathe during this time and he it's it's to the point where he said my family doesn't recognize me anymore they don't even know who well didn't recognize it's not who I'm not the same person I was before all right and he actually started taking some medication for anxiety and the advice that I gave this person when I bumped into them was that they should use this time as an opportunity to not just not to say oh shucks why did I have to deal with this problem of corona that made my anxiety get bad but instead to look at this time as an opportunity to say you know what I had anxiety before I didn't realize how much anxiety I had before let me face my anxiety let me work on this let me become a common person let me let me grow I mean let me let me you know become a better person so to speak from this experience and I would suggest to the person who asked me the question that they feel that because of the pandemic that they're that they're just to repeat the question again I just want to get it right that the person says they feel very unhappy very overwhelmed and depressed right I I would suggest that it's possible that they were underlying of these dishes these issues were underlying issues before this happened but they were busy with life so busy running around with life that they weren't facing those issues as much and I would strongly suggest as a person get professional help because not the person is flawed is it one of the biggest mistakes that people who think that they'll get professional help means that you're messed up means you have a problem I always tell people there's two types of people in the world those who need therapy and those who are hustlers Robert you get that those are need therapy and those who are helpless everyone needs therapy there's no such thing as someone doesn't need therapy now doesn't necessarily mean that everyone could pen I don't mean everyone needs therapy everyone can benefit from therapy going to therapy doesn't mean you're broken going to therapy means you've recognized that there's a certain issue that you want to look at it there's an unspoken truth in the therapy world that the people who come to therapy are usually the ones who don't need it so much the ones who don't go to therapy are the ones who really need it because to come to therapy a person has to have a certain amount of self knowledge a certain amount of self-awareness a certain amount of even self esteem that they believe they deserve to be better you have to believe that you deserve to happy happier you know there's a Russian in the Gemara Mario says ain't has it ain't hug it's just that they say she must've matter that smell the one who's in prison cannot get himself out of prison during the bottom of a hole you need someone else to help you with that and I would suggest that this person go and get the proper help not because the person has flawed in any way but because this pandemic probably expressed certain weaknesses or certain challenges that they had and every human being every person has challenges every person has issues and struggles that they have to deal with and the the pandemic is an opportunity to work on these things and to strengthen to strengthen yourself through this time I just want to add one more point then I'll given over to every become one of the things that I so much emphasized when I work with couples before the wedding when I give relationship classes is that I talk when I speak on college campuses very often about marriage and I tell people I said I say the goal of a Torah marriage of the Jewish marriage is that in 20 years after you get married you should be more in love than when you got married and unfortunately I look at people's faces when I say this to them and they look at me with a shock like gravity what are you talking about it doesn't work that way one in a thousand is like that it doesn't work that way unfortunately we see so many couples that are not so happy that are struggling just making it through the day how can you tell me that that's the goal that that's something we should expect we should expect that it's not that you win the lottery you should expect to be more in love and more connected with your spouse after 20 years of marriage than when you just got married and the answer is is a simple level the answer is if I have an attitude of growth if I have an attitude of working on myself if I have an attitude of building we say to a couple when they get married Bonaire by eating their mom be a struggle you should build a house together in Israel we don't say you should have a house everyone today wants to have a house no that's not the Torah approach the Torah approaches to build a house we're always supposed to be building our Jewish home doesn't make a difference if you're married for 10 years or 20 years or 30 years or 40 years you're always building your tork your Jewish home how do you build your home by working on yourself by working on your relationship by building your character you know it's very easy when somebody gets on your nerves the point the finger back at that person and say if you don't talk to me that way I wouldn't get upset if you don't look at my mother that way I wouldn't get upset if you didn't do this I wouldn't get upset everything would be fine so just stop talking to my mom that way stop looking at me that way and everything's gonna be fine because the reality is it doesn't work that way the reality is if somebody's getting on your nerves the classes an extreme situation where a person purposely trying to provoke you I you should look at yourself and say how can I become less reactive how can I become calmer how can I work on myself to be the best version of myself and just the end this point if I give you a car of every become in twenty years from now is that car gonna look decent it's not it's gonna look beat-up unless you're a car you know expert and you're constantly fixing it up in 20 years there's gonna be bangs and bruises there's gonna be more problems that car you can't imagine how many how many how many different Fender it's gonna be all messed up right so it makes sense a marriage after 20 years should also be all bruised up it went through this challenge it went through that challenge it went through this child you know going through difficulty it went through this financial problem went through this health problem how can we expect a marriage to be any different than a car is is because the difference is the car is a static item it's a piece it's an object as an object it's gonna get bruised and beaten up and it's not gonna get better over time but a human being and our marriage is about growth the purpose we created in this world to grow Hashem created us to be people of growth and and to be creators and to change to change the world around us to bring children into the world and to change the world and to make ourselves the best version of ourselves so if we have that mindset then every time the car gets a it's a little bit bruised we make the car stronger we build an extra piece around the car we don't we support the car stronger the little the little hole in our boat so to speak instead of putting a band-aid over it we make the boat or stronger both we put out we put a support beam to make the boat cause if we have that approach then the difficulties become our strength becomes become our and that's how our relationships can can grow over time everyone come okay beautiful Hertzberg I guess just to add a little bit a number one the the fact that the spouse is supportive and is helping and trying to make things easier and better for the other individual and that's a wonderful beautiful thing and that that applies in anything I see cases where having one or two kids and they handle it comes to the cleaning up of the house or any other things it can become overwhelming you because you know we're not just homemakers we're not just out working you know we were doing multiple multitasking and a lot of these a lot of areas in the home outside of the home and it does get overwhelming sometimes and it's normal I would say so whatever is necessary to try to get the help internally number one try to see if amongst yourself you can try to take care of the problem tackle the problem if you need to hire not cleaning help and get the cleaning up you have baby sitter get the baby sitters you know you need to make to be happy you know go out buy some flowers you know the scenery and you know go see comedy show whatever is gonna make you happy I think that's gonna gonna try and help situation there are times when you've tried everything and it's still not working okay the other day I had a Clarkson great sing this okay so so you look it there's a snake and they try to do the Drano it and try this and try that and then you come to home saying you know it's not working what should I do so if you're not gonna reach out to call the plumber the professional was able to take care of the problem you can be stuck with the clog sing for the rest of your life so there are times when it is necessary and there's nothing wrong with reaching out to those professionals that are able to help you I think it's doing a disservice to yourself by not reaching out to the professionals to help you by just you can keeping it to the inside I don't know anybody to know I feel embarrassed rootaberger messed up with me you know we're living in times not just through this pandemic itself but even in general where it's not easy and we're not the people of old grandparents and great-grandparents were able to maybe handle a lot of things and we have all the luxuries in the world to make a life so much easier and we're still struggling and we're still not happy although they had nothing and they were sort of happy in those days but it's not the same so again doing some a disservice by not reaching out to those people that are able to help you at least a guide you and to see what is the underlying issue as a rule book explained you know there might have been things from before and only now it's just coming out to the surface and it needs to be addressed and if you don't take the bull by the horns and and seek out the help you know it's just gonna it's gonna Fester it's just I mean you can't just you know sweep it under the rug is going to disappear it's there and it has to be dealt with and if especially if you have the support of your spouse to try to help you get through it I think they'll be understanding that they want to see you happy they want they want him to be there by your side to try to make sure that everything is fine so you know then we take up the opportunity to you know to reach out to help and see what they can do to try to help situation again if you cannot do it internally amongst yourself the see whatever is necessary then you need to reach out for outside help and me as a rabbi even I understand I came to the conclusion many many years ago that I don't have the answers to everything and I'm not I'm not required or even expected to have all the answers and there are times when I have to defer that this individual to go seek professional help because I'm limited and what I can and cannot do in terms of individual helping a couple so even as a rabbi I understand my limitation and I know there are times where it's beyond me to have the answers and you need to refer these people to somebody who's a professional social worker somebody who has the experience to be able to deal with the issues of the problems that the couples are facing in order to get for them to be much happier in their marriage in general okay thank you because we have another question here the first person writes how do you handle a spouse who argues about everything with how do you have a healthy relationship when the spouse thinks they're right and expert on everything okay it it's hard to deal with that type of individual when they know everything and everything they do and or say is Right marriage is all about becoming a better person and knowing how to deal with another individual so having and knowing all the right answers you know women were created by God by a Shem to have a being a litera they have an extra deeper understanding of situations so as men for example we are very logical we see things black and white we just go floating almost the bottom line and they see a more water picture and there are times where they'll see things that we do not see and it and it's necessary for you to get and reach out for their advice ultimately whether you listen to it you know you should listen to it whether you you upon it that's your decision but I think you should at least listen to what they have to say you never know there's more than one way to skin a cat as they say and it might be better or easier or more beneficial to listen to what the other person has to say to make your life easier in whatever it is again whether it's the discipline of the children setting up the table hey you know parking the car whatever it might be you know there's nothing wrong with listening to what the other person has to say it's not marriage isn't that just a one-man show okay you cannot play on a basketball team with this five guys playing and you're the other one in the ball you don't get much taking all the shots it's a team collaborative effort and you have to work together with each other towards the goal of building the beautiful Jewish home so I I just add one thing to that the the person asked how do you deal with a spouse who thinks they're always right and basically my understanding correctly the question they think they're always right and that they're an expert on everything I have one point that I would say to that which is that what I found I believe the Gemara says it's as well that the the the mum Chava ha ha ha ha we see the faults in in others it's usually the things that bother us about others often is the very thing that problem that we have ourselves and it could be that if this person was more self-aware I'm not saying it's true I don't know this person but it could be with the Mersenne is more self-aware they may realize that they actually think that they know everything and and and sometimes they're projecting I've definitely seen this multiple times they're projecting on their spouse what what really they they're they have as well that issue the other thing quickly I would say about this as well is that when a person says I know everything right so usually this comes from a lack of self confidence not from healthy self confidence but from a lack of self confidence and if you want to help your spouse or it could be your the friend whatever who has this issue of having the to think that they always know what's right but they have to know what's right etc this sometimes the solution could be to help that person to have a healthier self-confidence and when they have a healthier self-confidence then they don't feel the need to always know everything to be a know-it-all so to speaker they have knowledge about everything ok we have another question here what if the wife wants to work on the marriage by talking through problems but the husband gets angry when talking and does not want to see a therapist how do you solve this issue so it could be the other way around it doesn't have to be the wife it could be the husband but this particular person is asking that the wife wants the to talk through the issues and the husband doesn't want to talk to talk and talk it through and and gets gets angry gets angry when talking and doesn't want to see a therapist ok getting back a little bit to the question before and maybe tying it in with it with this question the person who feels that he knows everything is an expert ok that might be true you might be experienced you might have degrees you know but but at the same time you have to understand what is doing to the other individual if they feel suffocated in the relationship they feel they do not have a voice in the relationship they feel that they can't say anything in the marriage you know so what why don't you America what's other person therefore I think you know you have to take the other person's freely into consideration so you might know everything so as an educator okay so I know more than you so you're here to learn so if you're there to try to explain to them as as a teacher would explain to a student or even as a parent would explain to a child it takes patience and understanding even the child might say my thing that they know everything but you'll show them in a way that they'll understand and be willing to accept what new information that you want to impart within them so that that takes a lot of patient understanding how to be able to give over that information to the other individual for them to be accepting of it and to understand and see things the way you say things whether you see things but at the same time like I said before you need to have the person be able to say what's on their mind they should feel safe and being able to express their feelings to express maybe their knowledge in the area and have to feel scared by the whole thing when it comes to this question about the couple that the wife wants and doesn't want or vice versa again very classic case that a lot of times go back we went to before there's nothing wrong with reaching out for help okay if there's problems in the marriage and whatever it is that you're doing or trying to do it's not working so you're just turning water by not taking care of the problem and taking it over to somebody a neutral third party who's able to listen to hear both is the story and to try to tackle the problem for what it is by not reaching out you're not helping the situation it's not going to get better in the house because things are just gonna pile up it's gonna get worse and worse and worse and worse as you mentioned before and we never find a basement it's eventually gonna reach up to the performer you were sleeping and it's it's gonna knock you out so you it's important to deal with it as soon as possible if the other person doesn't want to you know again it might be the stigma they're scared to reach out they're worried about what's gonna mean I'm not capable on the company I don't have the wherewithal I don't know everything I don't know how to fix my car I don't know how to take care of my teeth probably be me if I have a cavity god forbid sort of things I'm not capable of doing so I go to the professional who has the license in terms of drilling the problem if there's a problem with them with the marriage which the rabbi's the Sholem by Isis you know the therapists were able to deal with the problem by not addressing it you know you just hurting yourself you're hurting the marriage and it just make things worse so if if the wife one of the spouse is willing to reach out and to talk about things you know if they want to talk about it give them the time to talk with them hear them out listen to things what they have to say empathize sympathize put yourself in their shoes why they feel this wait what's the problem you know once these what can you do to make things better and again if it entails reaching out to somebody else then that's what's necessary everything's kept confidential mustn't be worried about I don't have facebook and on social media and I don't blast everybody what's going on in the world and believe me I know a lot of things about a lot of people it's all definitely in the four walls and that's it you know couples you see on Alice and it look like they're beautiful wonderful couple but I know that inside it's wrapped into the core okay so external the facades don't mean anything it's on the inside behind closed doors how do you act I need a hand with your spouse you know and the main thing is communication is very important to be able to talk things through to understand things and if not then reach out to someone else who can help you Thank You Erica I just want to add something to this question as well again just to repeat the question the question was one spouse who's going to say over the question what if what if the wife wants to work on marriage by talking through problems for other spouse gets angry when talking does now want to see a therapist so one thing I would just put out there specifically because this person said that they are the wife asking this question is that as we all know that I'm from Mars Women are from Venus men and women I have different ways of communicating if anyone hasn't watched this yet I highly recommend watching a lecture by reveille YY Jacobson that he gave at Emmet called how to love the people I'm sorry how to like the people you love maybe somebody could I'll post it in the group the link and a few moments how to like the people you love a great great class that Jacobson with the phenomenal speaker gave on this topic it's hysterical it's funny watch it with your spouse you'll laugh it's he hits on so many very very valuable points but one of the main points that he talks about is that women tend to like to communicate a lot to talk a lot buy a lot of different things and to be able to want to share a lot of different things that are going on in their life and this is a stereotype of course not everyone is like that some are more reserved for the less but the way around-i Jacobson says he says women are like spaghetti and then are like waffles so spaghetti everything is mixed in with each other and all different things they want to share different ideas they're all tied into each other and men have a tendency to want to compare mentalize and to put something in a box and put each little issue each things that come up they put it into a box and he has a very nice little skit where he describes a couple where the wife sees her husband is in a moment where she could talk about you know that he's in an emotional moment he we can communicate with him and she starts telling him about this thing in her life and about how her dress got ruined and about how the child's teacher in school wasn't respectful to her and about how her sister-in-law something happened and one thing after another and each time he opens up a file on the desk and he closes a file opens the file and closes the file and four minutes into the conversation and 40 topics in his mind is spinning and his the way ridiculous and what's it is the number one thing that he thinks to do at this moment it's to end it all and just to commit suicide god forbid and but he loves his wife so he doesn't want to do that so he does the second best thing and he falls asleep and he starts to snore and his wife feels so upset that he's snoring but little does she know that that snoring is the greatest expression of love now why am I telling you this this story I recommend you listening to this class I'll post it in the group but my my point is like this that people communicate in different ways and it could be my message to this person who asked the question is that it could be that what this woman describes us talking may not be what he describes as talking in my talking as we speak for 20 minutes and we put everything on the table and in his mind a long conversation might be four minutes but we have to respect that about each other we have to inspect that and sometimes what our expectations are too high we'll get frustrated and we feel disappointed and we feel unheard and we feel not respected and it could be that in this particular case the husband does want to communicate but maybe not exactly in the way that the wife feels is the right way to communicate and it could be that she has to learn to communicate with him in a way that works for him and it could be in a creative way it could be a different way it could be in writing it could be different ways that can create a closeness and connection and the second thing I would say is that if she doesn't if he doesn't want to go to a therapist which is very common in general people feel like they're being judged etc all different factors it could be that the wife herself can go to a therapist herself and and you would be surprised that sometimes just one person goes to a therapist and the therapist might help uncover some of the things like I'm saying to you now and through that then she comes back with different tools and then that allows them both to go or maybe doesn't mean they don't even need to go okay so we have we have a we have another question what if anger transforms into yelling and cursing because what do you say to that okay for me one of the important rules and marriage is trying to keep Google calm and not to yell not to scream and definitely not to curse it doesn't accomplish anything it's more of your frustration and anger being laying out that way it's just for yourself it's really not gonna help them individual understand you if anything it just leaves scars for women they just remember that he called me by that name or whatever it is without saying anything and I'm from Maine I've had a lot of men feel turned off as I say from a woman who who resorts the Guthrie to Kersey it's disgusting for her to say something like that so either way so cursing is not beneficial for anyone in the marriage I'm not gonna get into the halacha ramifications of nibel pay all giris are appropriate the characters bring down the famous idea why is it that we have everything in the bodies to two eyes two nostrils two ears two arms two legs and then and only one mouth one what's the reason so the dome are trying to answer [Music] so we have one of each don't have to see things good in bed but if you could have two mouths one for good and one for you one for bad yeah shame said I I eventually see that even the clear I will talk not appropriately either so she's you know what I make for you one mouth and the condition that what try to use this mouth to say good things appropriate things okay this is the mouth that says broth want every single thing make blessings with it and you're supposed to use you know to learn Torah and you know to compliment others to give them you know words of a fraction I mean these this is what the mouth is for and it should be used in the right way how can you have that mouth that just made a broth ah Sarah James name at the same time you make it disgusting up a bit bye-bye-bye Singh BOGO words or by saying am I saying things that are appropriate if it doesn't him it doesn't doesn't work out for a person to use that same out to do both things so it's a porta number one that occurs at all anger as we know is is an emotional is an emotion it's very hard to control it some have long fuses as some people have very short fuses and they lose it by the way anger management is definitely something that everyone needs to work on okay so a class is one of the worst me dot brought on by the Rambam definitely needs to be taken to the other extreme altogether so we need to work on it I would say for the other spouse understanding and say that your husband has this problem okay so he needs to work on it but at the same time don't press those button if you know he has a short fuse you know don't get him all worked up don't bring up those triggers don't bring up those those things that I gotta make him lose it and therefore he's gonna be and controllers are yelling into screaming and cursing and leading up to something that you don't want it to be I know it's not easy to be done that way but if your tacit from both ends but you understand it then he has a deficiency in that area and again short fuse at the same time he's gonna try to work on his anger management not to lose it that makes things a bit easier and at the same time I would recommend for the couple to sit down at the talk talk like two mature adults said I'm at the table cup of coffee and piece of cake and to discuss things that are going on it makes it a little bit easier you know to understand it what's going on and to be able to express yourself in the right way without having to lose in the yelling and screaming thank you I would just add when it come the anger that anger is one thing that both Victoria and psychology which agree about many many things I think both look at anger has been very very detrimental any kind of anger the Torah says Hashem says were the person who has anger it's like he did I will bizarre it's like you served idols right and the obvious question is what does it mean he served idols you angry at them using served idols and there's many deep explanations of what of what it means but on the simple level you know the year is when the person is angry they're like there is no Hashem when you're angry you're you're Hashem is your anger your FM is the your intelligence goes down psychologically they've proven that a person's IQ goes down by at least 10 points just by being angry they're become less intelligence which explains a lot of times where people do really stupid things when they're angry anger anger is very detrimental to our health anger has been proven to give people tremendous amount of heart problems there's a direct correlation saying people have anger issues and people who have a lot a lot of problems with heart issues I'll share with you a fascinating study and that you can find it online from Martin Martin Seligman Martin Seligman's is the founder of positive psychology okay how's the psychology became very popular he's very popular now but when he started this 3040 years ago was very almost unheard of psychology was all about problems not about solutions and he went he said once he went to a psychological conference and out of 25 Catholics only one was about a positive psychology the other type approach and what they did was they did a following study they took people's Twitter accounts with Twitter my understanding is Twitter is public most Twitter accounts are public I don't have twitter so I can't speak of this but I understand in the search for certain words they search for certain words and they mapped out the words so for example if they saw coming from let's say a man between this and this age that they used a curse word a lot of times so on the map you see the curse word really large if they see certain types of anger certain types of hate very strong those words are much larger and on the map and there's a direct correlation between areas in geographical areas in the United States where there's much higher amounts of heart disease and problems and even specifically to age groups based on the cursing that they do based on the amount of anger based on the amount of four-letter words and I'm not talking about love four-letter words that come out of a lot of people's mouths and this well all of this well all of this this anger is so detrimental to our health our physical health our emotional health and our spiritual health and my personal suggestion is that our goal in life should be like the Rambam run ban and his letter to his children the famous garrison ban letter about the goal in life should be to get your anger down to zero that's your goal obviously no one's gonna get it down to zero but the goal in life is to try to get you should not be comfortable with oh it's okay I lose my temper once a week at my kids I live with it our goal is to try to get our anger as low as low as possible so I really I really do believe that anger is something that we really need to try to address and face and I'll just say one thing about anger is something that I shared with actually one of my my close students and friends today that anger is something that usually if a person has an anger problem it usually stems from a lack of self confidence they usually stems from lack of self confidence they usually stem a person loses their temper it usually stems from not feeling a healthy healthy self confidence and a healthy self-esteem so one of the advice that I would suggest if a person finds himself getting angry a lot it's to do meditation is to think about their own value in this world history is to get up a little earlier in the morning best type of meditation I don't always do it is before anyone else wakes up okay there's a very good book I recommend highly called the miracle morning which talks about doing small things in the morning to put positive associations positive visualizations and when a person start off their day this way and thinks about all the blessings in their life it thinks about all their strengths and thinks about all the blessings that they are and how great they are as a person then they're much less likely to lose their temper and to be shaken and and moved around by other things that affect them so we're going to to come to another another question now so the question is the question is like this what is shun re-show not supposed to be like I feel like it's been rocky so far okay Shauna reshawna is the first year those who don't know China China is the first year of marriage and in Jewish thought is considered to be the most important year of a relationship by a river come take it away so no showing the first year of marriage people might think it's supposed to be a very exciting time a special time and that's why taken lightly definitely a beautiful time I even tell the couples the first few marriages is usually the hardest your marriage it's it's really fixing up and setting the foundation for the marriage the biggest problem that we have is that you're bringing two individuals from two different backgrounds to defend homes and not to live together under one roof and there's bound to be some misunderstanding disagreements about certain things it's a time of you know hashing things out trying to understand each other about each other so it takes time so it having the ups and downs is very normal again I deal with it it is another issue but I definitely believe and I think my wife and I we're still in genre show enough even though for sure married for 25 years now every year is the genre genre making it beautiful making wonderful and growing the foundation is it has to be rock-solid has to be cement and has to be a solid foundation in order to build every year afterwards there's another level another floor in your show and bite in your building you're Jewish so it's important that we use that time to understand each other to be open-minded okay Mike what we mentioned before there's not only one way to do something my way or the highway we're here together as a group as a unit as a partnership you know setting up this home so we have two people to deal with and to understand that we need to work with each other towards the common goal of building a Jewish home and the foundation of the home which is Shawna Shawna what it's all about thank you thank you because I'll just add one or two things about genres Shawna I feel that this first year of marriage I when I give my class the couples before the wedding I often ask them if I if I put my two hands in front of you and I offer you in one hand if you choose hand a you're going to have a son or Shana of perfection the dreams no disagreements no problems no communication issues no in-law issues no money issues no fair health issues like the dream of dreams or in the other hand you're gonna have a little bit of everything a little bit of misunderstandings a little sort of money issues a little bit of my issues a little bit of health issues a smorgasbord of a little bit of everything which one do you want and usually the couple of thinks about it for a moment and obviously the initial reaction usually is you want the perfection but they realized that if they had perfection they which marriage is actually going to be stronger by the end of the first year of marriage and I would argue that if the second hand the one that went through the challenges assuming they're still together that that marriage and assuming they took a growth-oriented approach that marriage has a chance of being much stronger than the marriage that never went through any challenges or any issues in situations and one of the biggest challenges in our society today and I just want to address this point and I think it's very relevant one of the biggest problems in our society today is that we have a mentality that we expect things to be easy we expect you know I when I give my class to couples I often say to them that marriage is not supposed to be comfortable but is supposed to be very pleasurable and it's important to define the difference between comfort and pleasure and in America 2020 we have totally confused comfort and pleasure our society today has become extremely comfortable everything is comfort Road of least resistance if I don't have to think I don't think if I don't have to do I don't do disposable even better and anything is it's the the quick fix response is the way I want to deal with everything I want to be able to press a button and it solves all the problems and if I have to press three buttons I want a refund I don't want to have to think about it and the goal in life is to be a trust-fund baby it's a 50,000 coming in every month that's the goal you know there's a slogan for the lottery is a dollar and a dream the goal is to have it have an easy life but we know we know that this is not what a sham created us for shouldn't be not create us to have an easy life become created us to have a meaningful life to have a life filled with pleasure not just physical pleasure spiritual pleasure so many levels of pleasure like whether I Know Who I am very beautifully talks about the seven levels of pleasure that's what our life is supposed to be about the Talmud says when I make one bushel of wheat from my own field it's more valuable to me than seven bushels that someone gives me as a gift because I put the effort into making that when we work on something there's a tremendous tremendous pleasure that comes from that and my suggestion is when you think about seanny reshawna think about this as a year of growth marriage is about growth it's about growing yourself and growing as a couple it's about growth and if you take a growth mindset we take that aspect that mentality then you're here to grow then it it changes the whole the whole dynamic to how you look at I'll just give you one example that I'd share with couples let's say somebody has a difficult pregnancy how can that make a couple closer to each other somebody a husband loses his job how can I make a couple closer to each other so if a person has a comfort driven approach there's no way my life is less comfortable now because I have to deal with this they might not say it but that's what non-verbally that's what they're saying I don't want to deal with your problems I don't want to deal with it but if a person has a growth mindset and a person that sees that the relationship now there's an opportunity to show that your love to your spouse is stronger than the credit cards is more I'm not talking about the bills I'm talking about the uses of the cards is more is stronger than than the fact that you look perfect every day and the relationship actually gets stronger because of the challenges because of the issues how can I tell a couple that you're gonna be more in more than 20 years than when you got married and the answer is because in 20 years you're going to face a lot of challenges and and how you deal with those challenges how you deal with those struggles is such a crucial crucial component to the success of the of the relationship okay we're going to we're going to end in a few moments we have a few more we have a few more questions let me just see for a second um I want to just take this opportunity also to thank everyone for being here and also to if you're interested in listening to any of the classes that we had on zoom' and Emmett I'm going to post the link below and of the cut of the classes I'm also going to post my personal email address so if there's a question that you asked that was not addressed tonight it's possible because I didn't feel it was appropriate for this forum but please feel free to be in touch with me directly and I'll try my best to you about that question also at Emmett we have we have on that resume link with the classes that we have is tremendous amount of over 200 recordings in different classes over the last three months and we also have during the week 11 o'clock a.m. rabbi Johannes rubber the young man yokomen whose real pillar of the community and of Emmett gives a class every morning at 11:00 rabbi craft it was a amazing class every morning it every day at 12:00 p.m. and then each night of the week we have different classes mrs. Dvorak eagle is is going to be giving a class I believe it's this this Sunday night I'm going to post it as well and wherever your channel is giving a parenting class on Wednesday we have a lot of different classes all with the same link tomorrow morning at 10:00 a.m. my father gives a class on the Sabbath also at at 10:00 a.m. there definitely are more questions but the hour is late so I think we're going to we're going to end shortly I'm just gonna give my closing actually I'm answered my River cuff to give 23 minutes five-minute closing and then I'll give a closing and then we'll say goodnight everyone okay again a pleasure to be here I think much for inviting me we should share some ideas with with all the people out there this week's parsha is kaurav definitely a lot of information about the wife one notion but a beta for gender wife is when it comes to building up the home her wisdom can build the home and faster Shlomi can destroy the home so it's important to understand the power that each of you wheels and to use it the right way the idea that we have now of being locked down this with an extent and spending time with each other is very important too as I mentioned before to take advantage all the time to look at it as an opportunity to spend time with each other and to grow from it as women we've been discussing up until now and just and just in a like that yeah well I've never experienced all and Shabbat but the day of the word Kesha co-efficient rage carries a not something a conflict that connects two people together so they say that the Russia table of Kesha his crew is Korea Shin is schmear and race is Radia when it comes to having a cashier with another individual a cashew with your spouse and entails having these three things Korea when it comes to reading discussing things with each other shamea is being able to listen for the first nice to say andrew year to be able to see the individual but look at them in the good of you of your eyes and the good of your life and and and appreciate all the wonderful things that they have to offer as well and if the couple is able to have that casual with each other i think they'll have a beautiful marriage and be able to continue on and for many more years to come as well see I'm sure we'll be blessed so as we help meanwhile and only have wonderful things for each other [Music] you