Rabbi Reuven Kigel - Shalom Bayit in the 21st Century

okay you know everyone knows okay when the Sith Musa as we say okay so they'll tell you there's a famous story about taking out the garbage there was a young man who'd got married he was he was a inexperienced let's call him so he's a young guy got married and he's uh Thomas come to be so he's learning in kollel right learning toward the whole day his wife says the garbage is piling up said okay okay go take care of it sure my father we took out the garbage so she's a I'm gonna take out the garbage so she's like I'm calling you rabbi cause the rabbi the rabbi says don't worry tomorrow morning I'll take care of it so tomorrow morning the guy leaves the house every morning at 7:00 a.m. to go to soccer eat tomorrow morning the next day 655 knock on the door he opens the door is the Rosh Yeshiva Rosh Yeshiva so the young guide the young coal guy says the Russia Shiva's here it's like wow it's amazing you're coming to visit me I must be so honored I must be the best learner there so what can I get for you want some coffee what's going on so he said no no I just came I want to take out the garbage he said what he said yeah your wife said you need some help so I'm here I'm gonna taking out the garbage after that was a lesson in you know it's not so bad to take out the garbage but that being said let's say the guy doesn't take out the garbage so there are we're gonna give three different examples of how you can say the latest can ask their man to take out the garbage just gonna be recorded so if you forget you can watch it so the first example this happens often probably not the greatest thing but it's part of life the first example is why do you never take out the garbage do I have to ask you again come on that's the first example now how does the guy feel when that happens extremely disrespected now there's another problem with this respect this respect makes testosterone drop so the guy feels disrespected testosterone drops okay now here's another way of saying it okay instead of saying how come you never take out the garbage okay that's called a complaint that does not work well if I wish it work well and things would be much easier but just doesn't work I you know it causes scientifically if you read this book Beyond Mars and Venus he proves scientifically that when people complain to one another it causes male testosterone to drop and it never works well ok so now that's the complaint ok you never take out the garbage what's wrong with you complaint next request ok request can you please take out the garbage ok that's sounds sounds a little bit better ok now there there's a oh you're saying doesn't work well we're not done yet ok you've all noticed you've all noticed all right so you have to say that like three times can you please take out the garbage please and then no so there's another way there's a third way you can watch the video in case you forget so the third way is like this we call we call let's call this the the the respect boosting way ok because you look at the husband you say wow I really love it when you take out the garbage and that's it don't say anything else it makes me feel so good like and I feel so protected and then you just so that's secret for the ladies so so now now how does the man feel right see choice number one is why you never take out the garbage ok that's the easiest thing to say by the way ok does not get us anywhere choice number two make a request can you please take out the garbage is very nice doesn't always work but very nice what can i LexA do it Alex see it ok or or choice number three we will call this the respect booster the respect booster way which is when you say I really love it when you take out the garbage it makes me feel like you really care about me and then be quiet and that's it and then we look at that alright and that's it and that's it and then by the way if he actually does take out the garbage off that throw a party make that night floor for dinner no problem so so that that's a simple thing to make the man feel respected even though it's true that us men we have to earn the respect but you know you have to give us a chance you know we're only human you have to give us a chance for that so that's rule number one it's the way you say it there's a complaint there's the request and then there's the respect buster okay so you always want to be hitting the respect booster right because I love when you take out the garbage makes me feel so good you know I feel so cared for it it's very what is the Geiger to say you know it's hard to say no it's hard to ignore it so another the thing you remember when you're this I don't want to offend anyone okay especially any mothers out there when the wife complains rice goes into nagging reminds the husband of the mother okay so although everyone loves their mother it's not very motivational okay so what works much much better I love when you take out the garbage makes me feel so special that's the respect booster okay so that's so we'll have that that's for the ladies okay for the men so women need more than anything else in the entire world is to feel appreciated for everything that they're doing because we don't notice and realize how much they do for us that's the number-one thing women need is appreciation we call that like in Russian spasiba right in English as thank you and just and it's really recognition of everything that they are doing so the the top the Torah says the following story this is a very powerful story there's many ways to go with it but basically you we know it at the in the Garden of Eden okay and the GaN Eden so Hashem tells Adam hurry shown do not eat from this one tree actually says first eat from any tree you want right but this one tree don't eat from okay so I don't mission was like got it Hashem I got this one tell us the wife thinks that you know let's put a little fence on it just to keep her careful all right honey you see that one tree first of all every tree we could be from that one tree don't eat it and don't touch it got it you throw a guy - alright so well I says okay got it no problem so then now his times gonna have some fun sends the snake right the snake says beautiful trait cava says my husband says don't I can't touch it oh so I'm gonna die so that's what Hashem said that's what she's so the snake pushers are into the tree so up you didn't dot maybe you can eat from it - the fruit looks beautiful so the woman eats okay the woman eats and you know how bad it feels when you sin the women they don't want to sin alone so she says Adam Adam please come here I made you some apple plov it's delicious he eats it they both say now here comes a surprising part has Shems watching this whole thing and instead of like we can say he's not sure I'm not gonna get mad at the snake is he sort of sent the snake so but Hashem could should say you think say Sava what did she do here you know it's like you know you ate and then you got your husband eat this is a very bad you know the worst worst so not only you but someone else you have to do teshuva for both people now but that's not what happened Hashem went to other Murray shown first and he said where are you he didn't go to father now a lot of guys asked me said why you know because we love to blame everything on you guys so secretly so say oh how do you guys ask me why didn't a Shem go to Cabo what he saw the whole picture why did he go to Otto Marie show so the answer is when you had when you have a unit right we have to put someone in charge of the unit - Kings can't share the same crown so the women were kind enough kind enough to say okay guys we're gonna let you be in church okay but when you're in charge there comes more responsibility so Hashem had to go to the one in charge of the unit which was autumn hurry shown and he went to him and now this was where he did the worst thing a guys ever done and we're still trying to fix it and that's why it's so hard he he blamed everything on his wife he said you know Hashem the woman you gave me she gave me the woman you gave me wasn't my fault right the woman you gave me she gave me from the tree and I ate it was all her fault and that my dear friends is the worst thing any man's ever done because then he got kicked out of God eat into the world we're in right now so as to make sure we don't repeat that and Rashi said what did he do that was so bad he was Co fair al hatov he Co fair means he denied he denied the good because Hashem found this wife for him every guy you should know when we get married we're it's like we're so happy this is the one we've been looking for her our whole lives it says in the Talmud Hashem literally takes out a man's rib and makes it into a woman so when we find they were so happy because like returning a lost object right so for centuries we're looking for a wise finally you find them amazing this is the water Shem bone of my bone flesh of my flesh now as soon as something goes wrong Hashem how can you send me this woman this is unbelievable so we have to remember that is the original sin if ottoman recent had taken responsibility right away when Hashem said would you do if he didn't blame his wife we wouldn't be here having this conversation right now but I guess I shouldn't want us to and but the point is we cannot allow ourselves to not appreciate our lives and to blame things on them we have to remember as much as we need respect from our wives they need to feel appreciated from from us right so that means you have to say extra thank-yous why do you have to say after thank you because they like it I don't know why but I don't know but it works I I only know it works you know I'll tell you I work as a as a cure for a bite so I try to get people excited about to learn Torah and doing what's vote now I would do anything necessary that's legal to get the people excited about Torah mitzvot so if I to wear a sign and walk around saying Lord Torah do mitts vote hashem loves you if that worked I would do it if I if saying if you don't do much vote you're going to hell if that worked I would do that too that's actually very easy but that doesn't work what works is being nice to people taking them in teaching them bringing them over for Shabbat saying oh you're amazing that works so I like to do what works so in marriage I also like to do a work so when I first got married no I realized very quickly you know the more you married the more you realized I don't know Opeth yeast as we say so so when I got married I realized that hey you know what appreciation is something my wife craves she needs this so I make sure when she does something for me that I'm gonna say thank you and I appreciate it so much and I think I'm thinking of all the different things she does and I say thank you so much so I give you like three examples okay I don't know how you guys feel about this but I give my own personal three examples okay so in my life I have never made our bed at home okay so but magically by magic it always gets me it somehow always gets made I've never done the laundry the laundry always gets done I do cook dinner sometimes right but not so often so so so and the dinner is ready so now how grateful they have to be for my wife I would have very bad laundry no bed right and and and no dinner so I have to be very appreciative of that you know that's what we have to remember even if you could do yourself you have to remember your wife the way you feel about respect and when you feel so bad when your wife doesn't so why can't you take out the garbage you never take it out so just like that that's how she feels when you don't appreciate her so it's a very easy fix the more we say thank you for doing that the better it is I'll tell you one thing I do I get to teach a lot of show and buy classes so one of my favorite classes that I give is an appreciation class and at the end I sort of giving you guys as a Simon's even if your wives know about is still gonna be good at the end I asked every guy to take two minutes to write his wife a little letter right yeah I even you could even mail email it now because no one really likes to write things anymore so and write a little letter saying how much you appreciate the things she does for you every wife feels so happy when they get this and when you think about it you probably have a list of in if you had choose quiet minutes without your cell phone you can or at least with yourself on airplane mode you could think of 10 to 15 things that your wife does for you that you may not necessarily thank you for and thank her for and that's totally normal because we're guys we don't think about these things so but if you thought about it it would mean so much to her okay so my right ladies you know how did that had I know it's amazing it's about time I wrote one of these letters right it's a long time it's been a few months and sort of one of these letters to my wife so we have to remember that as much as we need respect our wise needs to be appreciated and at the end of the day that was what Adam Rishon did wrong he denied the good that Hashem gave him because remember when you're appreciating your wife you're appreciating the fact that a Shem let you find find this amazing woman so it all goes back to shepherd okay so we got this so we got now the women are gonna respect their husbands by saying oh I love when you do this right so you make you know you have like lists sometimes you give your husbands like they don't really do the list so first of all there's too many things on the list how could anyone do all that stuff so make a short list one or two things maybe three of most and write wow I look I would be so happy I love so much if you do these things for me right and then and that's it yes the wife is a snake then you know hold on a second let's just finish but it's a great question so so again so the main thing I the main thing in marriage okay is the whole point of marriage you may not want to listen to this just but if you can not pay attention if you know what's the whole point of marriage is for us as the man to improve ourselves okay so they're stuck with us so they either connect oh my helper against helper connect though means either against your opposite you so we move up our wise move up we move down our lives moves down so there's sort of they're like looking for us right so if your wife is doing something and this isn't a beautiful book called garden of peace so so a lot of people have it on the shelf not a lot of people read it but it's not a lot of people shows so that you know there's another book that's on everyone's shelf that no one reads that a lesson a day rush and Harless in a day there's not I've never met a Jewish family without that on their shelf at least 1% read a book but it's on the Shelf so it's already good so so now he says there if you don't like something your wife is doing okay you have to remember it's a reflection of us it's the hardest thing it's so hard being a guy ladies you don't know you don't understand so so it's it's it's a reflection of us so it's like looking in the mirror I don't like the way my hair looks I'm getting older no it's moving back a little bit I don't like the way my hair looks it's not gonna help if I go like this to the mirror it's not gonna move I have to do it on me you know I have to whatever it is so that's the main thing to remember it's so easy to blame everything on your wife the easiest thing in the world to blame everything on your wife but remember it gets us kicked out of GaN Eden the thing to do is take responsibility okay and see what you can do to make the situation better we could talk one I wonder I know it's for your friend now for you actually but it's just given my number so so so I'll tell you one thing this what I always tell the guys okay and there's an excellent book called extreme ownership that brings to this point home that it may not be your fault I mean usually it is but it may not be your fault right but it's always our responsibility it may not be our fault but it's always our responsibility because you have to if you're on less because remember you want to look at yourself as a leader of the unit so if you're saying it's it's not you but if someone says it's my wife's fault so that means she's the leader because the I think one the president said the buck stops with me right the leaders the one who says odd kahn right um I'll take responsibility it doesn't mean it's your fault okay so very good question I'm really glad you asked up so please tell your friend to call so so they're theirs okay so we got that so women are gonna respect their husbands by saying things in us in a beautiful way not complaining away and that I need you I love you way right men are gonna appreciate their wives by remembering all the amazing things they've been doing for us for so many years and and it's gonna be beautiful okay so now there's one thing that we can do together okay probably one of the most difficult things one of the most difficult things you know and even if you can figure this out with your with your spouse and you got your kids people press our buttons okay and we are human okay we're human and people press our buttons and when they press our buttons we get angry okay so anger is something that a personal chef doesn't like it so much and second of all not as important but in our world also important it doesn't work right it's just at the end of day it doesn't work it doesn't get you your goals anyway so like I said before I like to do things that work and there's always a better way of doing it than getting angry so I'm gonna give like a couple different thoughts I'll give you one story there's a very famous rabbi he was one of the biggest Ashkenazi rabbis in America his name was rabbi moshe feinstein okay and this story we assume it's true I've heard it from different sources so in the 1950s okay they didn't have like a million good motives like they have right now so he got someone gave him a brand new Gomorrah okay was very hard to come by someone gave him a brand new Gomorrah he had in front of him and they they didn't have like pens he had an inkwell you know nila but I need a little fountain pen with Chad nila and he put it and he would write the notes on his Gomorrah you know any ideas that he had so he has his brand-new Gomorrah right it has it janila right there the ink right there and he's taking notes very happy like one of the students a kid runs up to ask nodding whatever a teenager runs up to ask him a question and he's so excited to ask the rabbi question that he spilled the ink all over the brand new Gomorrah okay so now everyone is looking at the scene okay imagine you're the roast Shiva you just got this new book which is very hard to come by student comes spills everything all over it okay it's probably a couple different reactions you could have so he looked at the student and he said oh it looks even better in blue and just let the whole thing go so now one of the other a bane there came up to him after half between during the break and he said look I understand you learn very much and you know a lot of thought oh but how were you able to not get angry in this situation because remember he's the teacher the student spills everything on the teacher it's normal to get angry so but moshe finds he looked at him and he said I've been working my whole life on this okay was not a young guy in the 50s right he was like over 60 years old he said I've been working my whole life on this so and that's how we have to remember not getting angry is a lifetime work it's not an easy thing but neither for men nor for women not getting I deal with a lot of Sheldon bite I have my own strollin vital so not getting angry is a lifetime work so I'm gonna give you two or three different pieces of advice so one piece of advice is like this you have to look at this one of my rabbis read was something you have to look at anger as a giant pit bull I'm gonna ever see pit bulls they're very mean-looking and this is a big pit bull right and so anger says giant pit bull and you're holding you okay you're holding the pit bull so now what's easier letting go or holding it letting go is much easier so that it's much easier to get angry you know it's like the rush of adrenaline you feel great right it doesn't work well it takes much more strength right it says who's a strong man the one that can hold back his anger well goes for ladies to takes much more strength to hold that pit bull back so you have to remember if you want to be really strong strength is not getting angry strength is holding back the anger right that doesn't mean not responding if someone does something they're not supposed to do you know you don't have to let it go you just have to respond in a way that is appropriate right and that's gonna work at the end of the day so remember hold back the people don't let it go there's another thing that I saw from rabbi Victor Miller he says the following thing he says okay let's say you know that certain situations get you upset whether it's your wife your kids who your husband your kids whatever it is certain situations get you upset okay so what are you supposed to do he said before you get upset just excuse yourself for a few minutes walk around outside calm down and then when you're ready to deal with it in a way that's not gonna get you so upset make sure it happens now do you know why this works so well we're gonna use an example everyone here is familiar with working with a job okay great me too so now imagine you have a boss or you are the boss either one it's fine and someone does something that's very upsetting to you okay especially let's say you're an employee and the boss does something very upsetting to you okay even if you're the boss now the employees are like the boss so so if someone does something upsetting so now you could fly off the handle and yell but you know it's not protocol it's not gonna work and either like you're probably going to lose your job so you shouldn't let it go I'm not recommending letting go but you would say you know okay get control of myself right I'm gonna stay calm composure and I'm gonna say my point across in a very calm way because I know ultimately that's gonna work and it's got to be the same way at home you can't make the home life but we're worse than the work life an example I use all the time for this is imagine you there's like these Navy SEALs okay they're trained fighters trained soldiers okay so now they are trained that no matter what dangerous in front of them they never allow themselves to get angry or upset people are shooting at them they do not get angry right because if they get angry they will get killed so they stay calm and take care of the situation if you know what I mean now the opposite of that is a mafia guy the mafia guys trained to get angry anyone looks at him the wrong way he's ready yelling screaming jumping up and down now imagine you have a fight between a Navy SEAL and a mafia guy a hundred out of a hundred times the Navy SEALs gonna win why because he keeps his composure and he does not allow himself to get upset so remember that you want to be the Navy SEAL or the Navy SEAL let alright and not the Mafia guy because as soon as you get angry you lose okay very very important okay so let's review and then we're gonna have like a small list of things that I want to explain something to you and we'll end it there if anyone has any questions or if anyone's friends have any questions that they asked you to ask them you can feel free to ask me so we have that so first the ladies the men need your respect more than anything else if you don't respect them I just speaking for myself because I'm a guy also I know how they feel if a guy feels disrespected like we learned from the Thom hood he feels like he's gonna die like literally like death okay so there's ways to be respectful and there's ways to say things without complaining feeling like oh I love when you do this from it so now men as much as we need to respect our wise need to feel appreciated so make sure they know how much you notice and how much you care and how much you love all those good things they do for you make sure you appreciate them okay that's B C is combined this is the hardest thing try your best you're not gonna get it every time try your best to not get angry hold back the pitbull gained your composure and if you have to take a walk for a minute or so and respond in a way that's going to be effective because angers usually doesn't work well the more people are married the more they know that anger doesn't work well okay so now I want to say like this we for many years have hundreds of years had different roles in our relationships okay so now there's something to be said for that even though we're not just role mates we're also soul mates and we want to have an emotional bond as well there's something to be said for for roles and the importance of roles in relationship because at the end of the day right though our wives need to feel like we are protecting them for scientifically that makes our testosterone go up and that makes their estrogen go up which is very good for showing by it very good for showing by it so there are certain things that we have to know as men that if we take care of these things in the home okay if we put this play this part of our role our wise will think that we're their hero okay so I'm gonna read you a list of a couple of these things if I could find okay here we go this is in no particular order okay you want to be the man at home you want to get the respect that we desire we got to earn this respect they're gonna help us learn this respect now that they know but we got it we got to do certain things number one when we go on trips the guy has to make sure he drives okay that's like you're taking responsibility you're driving on the trips my wife happens to a little bit of a better driver than me but every time it's like nope I got to drive like kids like ABBA do you really have to Jack I said yes I got a trap all right mama definitely drives faster than me but it's okay because I need to drive because that's my job okay rut that's number one - if an errand needs to get done the guy get does it three the man should help the kid with his homework - is if an error needs to be errant if you need to do an errand I tell you guys a funny story I'll tell you guys a funny story that my mother okay my mother we live in New Jersey this white took me an hour and half to get here today and so my mother would there's a very nice kosher bagel place in Livingston New Jersey I think it's called SuperDuper bagels okay the delicious bagels nothing like fresh New Jersey bagels so she would bring them to work every Monday okay and she had an Italian boss and the Italian boss law of these bagels so after a couple of weeks he's like hey you know I also live around the area like where where these problem I want to get some so she tells him super-duper bagels so he says okay fantastic so next Monday he comes in and and she says to my mom you know the bagels were delicious but I have a I have a funny question to ask you is our only men allowed in the store because it's kosher and I was like no what are you talking about why would you have that impression so he said well because my wife Sunday morning went for bagels she said she was the only lady there so you don't understand like everyone there is Jewish so the guys are leaving their wives at home like to rest or whatever and they go for the bagels you aren't you rest rest rest with the kids you you are Italian so you said to your wife you get the bagels right said that so the man supposed to get the errands and the masks a foot you get the bagels you know so I'd take out the garbage next he changes the tires in the winter and whenever necessary he he goes down to light to fix the water heater he fixes computers printers telephones or at least if he doesn't know how like me he makes sure it gets done he fixes the fence when it's broken you know one of the things that you were saying is that your because I asked you about your grandfather so he said he made sure everything got fixed around the house so of course your grandmother respected him very much because this is a huge for lack of a better word testosterone inducing activity but you don't listen you don't go make your wife fix the light bulb he he he fixes the refrigerator freezer when it breaks down he plans the vacations but it does it doesn't not without his wife but once you know where you're going the guy called do this through that get take care of it he he made sure the ways gets him there properly he makes reservations when they go out to dinner right he picks up dinner if she's tired see since if she's tired there he picks up they're not all the time so he washes dishes if she asks if you have a dishwasher it's easier what she doesn't ask bonus you know I guess so but it doesn't you know it's like whatever works the more you have to figure out what the roles are in your house because your wife does not need you to make the pool you know what I mean so she doesn't need you to do that unless like you have the hole unless it's outside for the whole family then it's okay so you have to figure out what your wife needs you to do and make sure that's what you do you know don't go in there saying like oh you know at the Mishkan at like that that's not our job whatever it is it tastes great that and always better than the way your mom made it okay he picks her up at the airport alright that's a big one you know I was I didn't huh no it drops off as with that ask you so kind of a comer he drops her off say you know I have this really I'm so happy I could have really I haven't seen this like in a few weeks or a few months and my my wife had a speaking engagement in Florida and she was coming back at 11:45 so I was like she's like you picking me up I'm like well you have lift you know it's like it's gonna take me I have to go they have to go back just call if it's like 20 bucks you know so then she's like she said okay but she didn't say like she didn't say like okay she just said like okay so so I hung up the phone and then like within a second I'm so happy I'd be over I'd be transgressing this book otherwise so I said honey I was like of course I'm picking off from the airport you know and I showed up like you cannot but you can't he's just you got to do it okay he fixes the leaky pipes or gets the plumber to do it he talks to the kids when they're disrespecting the wife talks to the kids he talks with the neighbors when the wife is upset with them he he takes care of the bank loans he shut he makes sure he gets the best price on plane reservations he puts out the boxes for the recycling he mows the lawn or gets a cement long this way you don't have to worry about it [Laughter] he buys hope he buys the and hooks up all the electronic stuff he hangs up the pictures he puts down is this being recorded he puts down the toilet seat rather than having her do to do it for him he finds and supervises the contractor when any remodeling is done he takes time to take care of the family finances and make sure they're in the best investments he sets up all the mousetraps and takes care of any dead animals or roaches you know right now we live we're not like you news Beca Stan you know there's like where everything's so safe here when you killed a roach or like the hero it's like you kill the neighbor basically it's like it's amazing he takes charge of the vacation details and leads everyone on the vacation so in a nice way of course he sets up the umbrellas by the pool on sunny days he he if it's raining he walks her to the car with umbrella and allows himself to get wet I added that one he does all this and more without complaining or feeling resentful that he's giving so much as long as he can see what is helping her to find her happiness so this means when these guys are doing all that your responses I love when you do this all right that's our response I love when you do that and so with a chef's help with the guys earning their respect their wives respect and the wise respecting the guys and us appreciating the wives and I was trying our best not to get angry we'll have amazing Sholem by it and help bring Michelle from here of you may know okay okay let me okay I again I made I made everything equal okay I made everything equal so we said go for what you okay so from now on you know okay so first of all like we said to his friend we have to remember we're responsible and our wife sort of like stuck with us so as we move up she moves up you know so the best way to get our wives to respect us as for us to appreciate them okay now also respect you can't say respect me you have to earn the respect so this was just these things I gave over it's just for us to get that respect that we want at home you know because we have to earn it you see a light bulb out do not wait for your wife to say to change it even I love when you change the light bulbs you want to do it beforehand so so you should so ok you tell your friend right you tell your friend that the that the talmud says the man is worthy the wife helps someone he's not worthy she goes against him to make war right so just don't kill the messenger so so anyway so again we started off with we said all the things that the way the men if the women have to say things to respect their husbands don't say why don't you ever take out the garbage don't even request please take out the garbage say I love when you take out the garbage it makes you my hero right so that was the first thing and then I could have said 20 other things but there's they picked up on it who goes for newspapers and everything else too so the man needs to we need to appreciate them and write them a nice note saying how much we appreciate them and both of us need to make sure that we don't get angry at our spouses save it for the kids and sorry cuz I hope you don't hear that so so and and if a guy does these things that you wrote down so nicely you will get that respect at home that we all crave so that I think I try start off with beating up the women a little bit remember so I know it's never enough I hear I feel you it's I know what it's like so I'm also working on this you know what I mean it's like you have to remember that a couple of things always need kazoo and one of them is show them by it you're never quite there as if you have to work on show and buy it's good news it means you're alive all right we're going to turn the the camera off for a moment and if we have any questions or if you have any friends with any questions we can ask