Rabbi Yom Tov Glaser: Acceptance Vs Approval

shut up and welcome to practical spirituality here in the in Asia tour in the old city of jerusalem overlooking the Temple Mount so there's various subjects that are on the table right now and I don't know how to handle all of them or whether I should we're in the middle of the discussion of acceptance and approval making sure we don't blur those two because things get really messed up and but maybe what I'll do is I'll handle three topics today so we'll make three different classes so we'll do three classes three shorties so I think that's the best move I need a black pens or black pen room here I'll use green so yesterday what we handled was the distinction between acceptance and approval and we had handled when we blur approval with acceptance which means that you're that the only two people you accept other people you approve of which means basically you accept nobody you wind up accepting nobody meaning you're accept only those your approval and by the way it's not like you it's not like you approve of people who are you know better than you are higher than you are more strict than you or more observant than you or more something than you you don't approve them either you know that's the famous line in Judaism is that is that anyone any one more observant than me is an extremist and anyone less observant than me as a so so it's not like we only approve a people lesser standards even people higher standards we don't approve of and so we wind up really not accepting anybody but acceptance and approve are two very separate words they have two very separate Tiffany there is no reason you should be blurring them it's just that there's certain things in life that when we don't distinguish them properly they get blurred certain things get blurred like for example people talking there they're often not saying what they're really feeling but you'd be an idiot to follow their line of the words they're saying versus what they're feeling cuz you're gonna wind up in a lot of very dramatic and experiences and you're gonna have a very dramatic interactions with people for example someone who's angry is probably feeling small but then when they're angry they usually yell so when they're yelling you end up yelling back and now you made him even smaller and so like good job good job taking a small person and and slamming them down even further you understand you you'd you'd want to distinguish that but we're we naturally don't distinguish certain things and we have to learn to distinguish between what someone's saying versus what they may be feeling so that we're careful with the way we interact so in this particularly sorry about all this noise by the way in case you're noticing needs a lot of peripheral noise we have an army band playing at the Kotel okay army band playing down there it's a good time to tighten my belt a little bit when you're as thin as me your belt is really important especially speaking wide now the anyway but what happens is we have high standards of approval and then the and then so anyone more anyone less is out and we wind up only accepting those people now acceptance is what leads to love I'm just catching people up on yesterday it leads to love and so if you want to have a loving life which is your most important thing there's nothing anyone in here wants more than love in their life so if you want to have that you have to distinguish approval an acceptance and start to accept all people and the way you accept all people is just by understanding that every he's doing the best with what they've been given even if they're doing the worst right now and you're looking at them you're like that does not look like someone's best for him that's the best he can do right now everyone's always doing the best they can do given the circumstances and so if you were living yeahit's if you had lived that person's life that would be you and so right now that person is doing the best of what they've been given which may be quite lousy but it had you been then that'd be you doing that lousy thing so whatever people are up to is what you'd be up to and so don't and the only reason you're who you are sitting in your seat right now is your history that led to you sitting and that sitting there what led me to my history is me standing up here and it all led to me standing up here and so I totally accept you because whatever you're up to in your life I would have been up to ahead I lived your life we can't get enough free way you just misunderstood me you were thinking that if you used your brain in my life that would have been totally different I'm talking about you using my brain in Europe in my life you would've wound up right here because I used my brain in my free will all these years and wound up standing in front of you speaking right now and you used all your free will in your brain all your life and it wound up with you right there and if we switched you would just be me right now talking to you and you be and I'd be listening to to you right now but instead it's me talking to you don't worry about you misunderstood a little but I think hopefully you got it this time and it's a review from yesterday where we dealt with the misunderstanding that every person has and you better buy that bike quick bro cuz it's gonna go soon and I don't have your number oh it's too much money did I tell you price okay it was too much okay it's nothing really no even the amount even for what I'm selling in superb prices let me tell you something never say if I have the money cuz you just get to commit it you get committed to something and then it happens you know if you know what life looks like for people who say if I only had the money when you meet them thirty years down the line you know what they're saying thirty years later if I only have the money I'm not kidding I know people in their fifties sixties and seventies who still aren't getting anywhere near their bucket list because they can't stop saying if they only had the money whereas all the other people are fulfilling their bucket list you know what they're doing they're booking with travel agents to the places they want to go on their bucket list and the travel agents like okay you want to give me your credit card number and they give the credit card number even though they don't really have the money but they give the credit card mom never and because they're so single mindedly committed to getting this stuff done in their life some other random thing happens and gets paid for gets paid for the money just comes in cuz money follows commitment and those who think commitment follows money will spend the rest of their lives dreaming and get nothing done now by the way I'm not saying you should buy the bike but it was a perfect segue for someone who thinks money comes after a commitment money doesn't come after sorry that commitments come after money everyone got that money is just a money is just something that enables things money just enables stuff and the and and so you gotta be into you stay focused on the stuff mm-hmm the money will enable it but if you try to stay focused on them on the money well I just will never come until it's got money only comes when you have something to buy but if you don't have anything to buy why would the money ever so I meet people all the time they feel they can't afford to get married there's so the money will never come whereas someone else who's committed to getting married the money comes understand someone who's committed to writing an exotic mountain bike the money comes somebody who's committed to someone who's trying to figure out the money never get the exotic mountain bike will never ever know what it is stone in mecca's I found like a ride one beside besides obviously borrowing one and you're talking to someone you're listening to someone right now who who's like you know brother Jim I'm a bit of a I you know I I have abundance does follow me around a bit but the reason why I Bundys follows me around of it it's not because I'm like mister like you know money management I'm just mr. commit to things and then the money comes every time I've been living this way for years and years and years and years and years and I've talked many many people about this too I told this to two guys who couldn't afford my seminar this week there were two people who just didn't have $650 for the seminar and the discount was $500 and the people didn't have $500 didn't come but there were two guys I spoke to who said I don't have the monies I wish I could do your seminar I really need it and I told them exactly what I'm telling you I said just commit to it just commit to it he said well what am I gonna say when I get to the front desk and they want to register me and they asked me for my credit card or a check or cash you tell him that Rabbi Glazer said just stay committed and I don't even know who these guys were but I just got a whatsapp this morning while I was meeting with one of the participants and whatsapp came from the the you know the the manager the seminars like there's two boys who don't have any money so like the seminars short a thousand bucks and so I was just reading this thing and and the guy sitting next to me was meeting with said what's this what do you what's the thousand bucks you reading him out and I said there's two boys in my seminar around 1,000 bucks he says okay whatsapp your credit card to your secretary I'll take care of it boom just like that covered it's covered and and it is time after time after time it's just another story every time but you get to MIT committed to the stuff and let God worry about how to have it what resources are gonna be necessary there that's God's problem your problems only laser beam focus on what you want in this life we have a saying in Judaism that aim Devereaux amid busines rut sight there's nothing that stands in front of desire your desire causes when you have desire it causes the the entities that God created the world with there's all these worlds and they're filled with entities it causes those entities to conspire your desire causes these entities to conspire to fulfill that which you desire don't do it anyway haven't you uh noted watch look at the showing of hands here Rajon have you ever desired you ever wanted something that was not good for you ultimately not spiritually or maybe not physically okay keep your hands up if you got it look around look same people yeah God created the world this way we have another term that says the Darracq seldom writes it Laila Iqbal Malik and my site in the way that a person wrote say desires to go they whose day they will take him there who are they they are the entities in Hebrew they're called Moluccan the entities are will conspire around your desire as long as you want it bad enough they will conspire for your desire even if it hurts you even if it's against God even if it's against terra God created the world this way and now you might say well if I were God I wouldn't let some of this stuff happen because people get hurt all you have to do is look back a little more than seventy years even see a lot of people getting hurt World War two say if I were God I wouldn't let that I wouldn't have that mechanism be it's quite so powerful it's too powerful that so the answer is this because is that God you know God would say if you if you said that to God God you know and then a little too much power of desire too much power of free will will means desire to want something as to will something too much free will and then Scott you know what God would say to you you say there's things about me that you just don't understand because he's in an fwf God is a fwf you know fwf is a free-will freak god's a free-will freak he's crazy about crazy about your choices and you want to know them you want to honor people you want to honor people who died in the Holocaust I want to honor them make some good choices today because they only died because God put that much free will in the world there's that much fuel in the system you can shoot yourself in the foot if you choose to in Hill it'll help you do that there's tremendous free will in the system so much free will that six million of our brothers and sisters perished third of our people were wiped out because of this way overabundance of freewill and conspiring of desiring of a human desire so you want to honor them make a good choice make a good choice cuz God wants us He loves us and he wants to give us the a chance to earn closeness to God and the only way you can earn closest God is you have to be able to go the other way and what if every time you tried to do something wrong he stopped you you wouldn't have any free will so he has to allow you to do the wrong things in order to give you reward and so God's just kind of crazy about freewill ones just when you thought the music down below was disruptive now we got some kind of ball to a jam session take care of that okay so so the anyway but now we need to go the other way is will only accept the people we approve of but you know one of the most beautiful things that ever happened in the world was acceptance acceptance is amazing I mean think about everyone who accepts you you love everyone accepts you you love everyone you hater people really you suspect you didn't that didn't accept you in people you don't like or all the people you think didn't accept you so acceptance is something very beautiful we all have acceptance and what has happened in Western society with the millennia is that they have it started 1960s but it ultimately gave birth to the millennial generation that is acceptance is number one that's it acceptance which is beautiful it's beautiful and the problem is they have a blurred with approval so they think not only do you have to accept everybody else after why you also have to approve of everybody well if you're improving everybody because acceptance you know you gotta accept everybody said we're gonna blur that with approval that means that there's no more such a thing as right and wrong that means there's no more right and wrong so you not only they say there's no more right and wrong there's no more gender and then there's no more even hierarchy of competence it's like if you're particularly good at something or you're particularly high IQ you're supposed to earn the same amount as someone who's not so good at it and is of lower IQ which is like I mean that's a good way to have your society completely fall apart because our society is running only on its expertise whether it be in surgical medicine and and chemistry or engineering we want people with high IQs we want to throw a lot of money at those people so they'll want to do the jobs that are keeping us safe and building the aircraft and flying that aircraft and and that's fine that's just great but they want to just wash all that stuff out because you're not accepting this is such a beautiful thing which we agree with but they also want to make it that there's no such thing as Ron right so they've got these blurred badly and it's and it's super dangerous super dangerous especially if you're Jewish and all the more so if you're an observant Jew because if you're an observant Jew you are enemy number one because in a world of washed out washed out morals where everything's become equal equality when you live in a world of washed out morals you are the enemy if you're an observant Jew you're literally the enemy of the people you're the enemy of progressiveness the world doesn't progress because of your influence and if we get rid of you then somehow we can get back to our progressive art the progression of society if you're an observant Jew that autumn almost automatically makes you a racist [Music] and your bigoted bigoted your sexist and your and your and if you're an observant to where men are the leaders your your your you're part of the something patriarchy I forget what it's called it's something patriarchy what does it call I can ask you guys but you're just part of that patriarchy that's the Latin patriarchy is some father picturing like males males dominating society everywhere we're literally like we're everything they hate were everything they hate you to do the Torah forbids homosexuality calls it an abomination the tort forgets having a sex change it's a forbidden by the Torah for me to even wear a woman's scarf if I'm cold I mean I'm cold and I gotta walk from here to there and the only scarf around is is you know a ladies scarf that's not even that clearly a lady scarf but it's for sure not a man scarf I can't wear it it's a tort commandment like not eating pork like circumcision like Oh circumcision is certainly mutilation right circumcision and the baby didn't choose it how dare you understand like you are the enemy of the Millennial Generation if you're an observant Jew now you might say oh then then surah the Muslims I mean there are more backwards than we are know when it comes to Muslims now we're fighting for their freedom fighting for their freedom they want to be self-determining in in London in France and they they how dare you tell them how that they can't cover their entire body with fabric you know we we fight for them they're the oppressed of Israel there are Israel's there they're the Israel's victims of the Israeli apart tiny state even though often in our Parliament like the third big the third party will be Arab but well we'll ignore that so you have to realize that if you're Jewish you're just you're just the enemy of the West and and it's an insult for beautiful reasons because acceptance is super high up there as it is for us but they have blurred with approval once you blurt with approval watch out and if you think those millennial you know peace love and like an equality of wealth and all the other mark system communistic ideas that they have you think they're very peaceful cuz they do like to wear rainbows and stuff you know they seem really peaceful yeah you should know that I mean you don't have to ask me just just Google what has been the Missouri what has been in the US the majority of political violence hasn't come from the left or the right in the last in the last three years whereas political violence coming up from the left side or the right side yeah it's almost all from the left it's almost all from the left you go on youtube and watch all the left people freaking out freaking out over someone wearing a trump shirt you know as if that's like insightful to wear a shirt that has the president in the United States name on it you know there's great violence in the left great violence it swings quickly to violence and that's where all the peace came from which is really weird but can I just explain them in case some of you were a little baffled why the why the peace and the freedom fighters and the equality people and we're all the same you know why there's why the violence comes from there the violence comes from there because it becomes justified because when you feel strongly enough about acceptance you feel strongly enough about equality and there are elements amongst the society that are Ted her like still whole up for the old you know like values that have worked for thousands of years you know values that actually have been kind of creating the fabric of society for years like if you if though if those people's tastes are sensed as a threat to progress it's not far off to dehumanize them it's not far off to dehumanize them because they're in the way and you could we could all get that like let's say we're all hanging out at a party and we're all like having a great time and you know it's California and like everyone's just enjoying themselves and it's chill on the music's playing and Sun lights shining and we're all having a great time but meanwhile somewhere from the East Coast comes and lights a cigarette at the party they just didn't realize me they just arrived they don't understand that you don't smoke cigarettes if you're from California like ever not indoors not outdoors norm never know where like it just doesn't exist nobody smokes he didn't know except he happen to be a little stubborn he's like what everyone chill out man it were like we're not chilling out man we're not smelling that stuff like just get it out of here and don't even smoke it anywhere near the building so it doesn't come in the windows please and he's like chill out make a relaxed just a cigarette you know you'll get used to it no harm no foul you know just a little smoke you know some people like the smell anyway you imagine that guy that keeps stays in there you know so the most chill people in the world are gonna eventually just throw that sucker out of there physically you know that someone's gonna pick him up and throw him out of there and teach him a little West Coast lesson you know about tobacco's me am i offending you ladies are and I say something oh really you're ditching class okay enjoy sorry to hear that did you care you hit him in the face oh I thought they're the ones who are supposed to yes you said the word nazi' oh sorry sorry I forgot about what he called you wow that's pretty intense what was his response after you punched him in the face no responsible I mean look at your biceps man like you barely fit your shirt I called the wrong guy announcing yeah wait you simplified to say deep roots and dip guys first guys are not what you're describing yeah that wasn't what I was describing today though it's used as they use it it's like kind of a modern Marxism do you mind if we film you this isn't totally boring for the people watching it yeah yeah yeah go on I was just saying that if you make a remark on a political party that's it's an ideology so that's like a cell or something that moves it evolves it has a person there you cannot take two words that appeared in the 19th century and as me as a French Jew my grandmother escaped see what to come insecure beige collaborators those who worked with the Nazis in French who work with the Nazi bastards guys read from the left and they had the same kind of acceptance and approval ideology that could make them go way too far but this too far this little too far save some lives because right oriented this is craziness can you make can make you think I can make you so write your things on your life you just tell us in a separate I like what you said it's just from my own perspective what's anti-semitism like in France because we always hear about it but we don't we never get to meet anybody who lives in France it's very complicated because France has been the first European country to give citizenship for Jewish people this is why we have the third Jewish community in the world just furniture information I just want to know about wearing keep us on the street oh yeah no yes yeah it can be well it depends on where I mean it's like yeah if I go to an Arabic a Muslim neighborhood you can go wrong because some of the guy is gonna say oh he's a designer honest because they know they cannot say Jew so they say that was Archie wine guy but rabbit is fine maybe one segment say is it Oh hoots not anymore I just hung up on the chief Rama when's that one say the the the distinction between acceptance and approval they have to be fully distinct we're gonna conclude this chapter they have to because I want to move to his living passionately they have to be fully distinguished you just have to distinguish them and that way you can have your values there can be values and distinction of values that's fun that's not just fine it it's pretty important that way that there's such thing as values and right and wrong and there is acceptance which is that you understand that even new and someone's not keeping your values or they keep your values better than you that you can accept that prison because had you lived their life that would be you doing this super strict version of values for them are you doing this super laksa days ago value version of values that would have been you so you can easily separate the two and by separating the two so you promote love connection and you get to have the world that you really most desire to live in which is the world of love but a world of love with values as it was the world of love that's washed clean of values because while values create distinction which creates you know because values means are ultimately right and wrong and the right and wrong means no we're gonna make distinctions once we're making distinction so then how we're gonna accept people and so I'll just tell you one quick story and then we're gonna move to that dude back there's chapter what's your name under this were you from underneath okay anyway so then we'll move to on the racist subject which I'll start again the live fee but I'll just tell you one story is that when I was becoming a rabbi here at Asia Torah there were there were branches throughout shools synagogues programs and each branch throughout the world that had their eyes on the arab eyes for hiring us and so I was in I was in what's it called community what does it mean when you're communicating with someone whether you're gonna get a job or not serious tech dad there's a negotiation I was in day was we already got past serious talks now we're at negotiations and we finished negotiations and so I got a phone call my house where the head of this particular place said we'd like to have FedEx you a contract so our board wants you and you know you're you and your people said fine so we'd like to FedEx to a contract so I said fine you know I'll give you my address he said but there's just one more thing would you you're you're obviously gonna cut off your pay us right and I'm like excuse me he's like what yeah yeah yeah you're gonna cut your pay us aren't you I'm like what are you thinking why would I cut my past what does that have to do with anything and they're like well I mean you're gonna be a campus rabbi and campus rabbi shouldn't be walking around with pays you know like people will feel like how could they you know how accessible could have got be he with pigs you know and so I said listen I asked everything else to my rabbi I'll call my rabbi and ask him but I'm a little shocked so you hung up the phone I called my Rebbe and I said I'd already asked the Rebbe several of the negotiation points and I said Rebbe now they're asking me to cut off my paise then the Rebbe said I'll translating in English but he says he you're supposed to breathe bringing them closer to Judaism not you closer to secularism that was his answer and so he says absolutely not so I called the guy back is it absolutely not he spoke to the board the next day and the board said absolutely not no no I was just a young guy at the time I was just a you know one of these wet-behind-the-ears studying to be a rabbi guy and this guy had no idea that that I would be amongst the Heschel on of like outreach speakers in the world and he had a chance for cheap to get me to a city and once you move to a city the likelihood of you getting stuck there as strong and so I run into him at conventions once in a while this is already 20 years ago but I run into him in conventions over the 20 years and he always tells me like what an idiot I was what an idiot I was cuz he didn't understand this distinction he thinks that you have to get rid of your standards to be an accepting person you have to wash out your Judaism at least as much as possible to not offend anybody so that everyone feels accepted by you he didn't understand that acceptance when it's in your heart is a vibrational reality that is regarded that is here regardless of your values standards appearance level of observance it's not connected to it it's two separate subjects so you have your standards you never drop your standards think about standards think about it how do you feel like M&Ms don't stand you up standards standards yeah you have standards show me a human being without standards every person has standards they can be a totally observant Jew or they can be covered in tattoos they got standards the guys got standard what kind of tattoo parlor he's willing to go to everybody got standards but here's the thing how do you feel how do you feel when you compromise your standards of life how do you feel when you compromise the answer is you eat your heart out you just eat your heart up when you when you when you compromise your standards you can't even live with yourself you can't even look in the mirror and yet people are constantly compromising their standards to basically be accessible to look good to be accepting that people shouldn't be put off by them people are constantly sacrificing compromising standards to stay in some kind of level of being acceptable relatable accepting but meanwhile if that doesn't work either because if you aren't accepting so lowering your standards aren't gonna help you understand if you're really just a judgmental jerk lowering your standards isn't gonna help anybody doesn't help anybody we all know people without these who are not accepting or not accepting it doesn't these don't make you not accept but they do represent some level of standards and so so this is the last point I want to give you is that is that never comfort my standards never compromise your standards of what you call approvable least in your life for acceptance never compromise that you don't you don't compromise that because because then you eat you can't live with yourself you're not true to yourself you're you keeping your standards is you living true to yourself and you don't compromise that stuff that's the stuff you don't compromise because if you compromise that you're gonna wind up losing a lot of your well-being and you know I think all of us do compromise sometimes but how do you feel about yourself I feel terrible I do you meaning you you consider this to be the right thing to do you somehow gotten some thought process that took you way down below that you did something really stupid yeah how do you feel about yourself I feel terrible about yourself and so that's not for sale your well being you're feeling okay about yourself that's not for sale not even for looking more accessible looking more accepting that's it that's not it's not worth it because it hurts you you can't live with yourself when you when you break your own standards when you drop your own values again we all do it we've got a Yeats aha we all do it sometimes we make mistakes but you'll notice every time you make those eggs a kid can't even look yourself in the mirror feel terrible so what are you gonna do feel terrible so what could of you for anybody oh now you now you look really accessible you now you your behavior and your the fact that you're willing to drive to this particular Shabbos even though we're not supposed to drive on Shabbos but you know you didn't want to offend them and or you ate at the meal that you weren't supposed to eat at cause it's not really kosher but you know maybe they would be offended no you all you did now was you you broke you breached your own covenant with yourself because every standard that every person has it may be god-given that's you it's your hurts it's the covenant with you if it was just governed with God you wouldn't feel so bad this is your covenant it was come with God okay you know however guilty you'd feel you'd feel but it's when you break your true standards that you really feel bad cuz you breach your covenant with yourself you know to join Akash viruses little bar mitzvah lunch and Billy Bob bad boy bar mitzvah barbecue in the forest ten miles out of town and you just God forgive me and you jumped in the back of the car and you showed up there but there's something even worse that you did because people know you pay no you keep Shabbos normally or they know you keep kosher normally and you were actually you know how Judaism works is weird it works but everyone's holding somebody else up you know like those monkey links linked to each other so we're all linked together you know like let's say let's say let's say all of you were like close students of mine which I do feel you are but it's kind of changes every day but let's say you're all close students of mine and you're holding whatever you hold and you're putting out effort to hold a certain level in Judaism and you walk through town one Chaves and you see one of those like rare cafes that are open down one alley you know and they don't care about Shabbos anyway they're serving shrimp cocktail and there's rabbi Glazer he's like he's taking eat shrimp but he's just going like you know and hanging out with a bunch of like floozies or whatever yeah tell me what's gonna happen to you what's gonna happen you the next time you're in a situation where you got to put some muscle into keeping that particular Jewish law what might happen to you like if he doesn't care what why do I care you know like you understand we're all in this monkey link thing together we're all like there's I promise you there are people pulling me up and I'm pulling others up and we're all like this all the time we're all getting like we're pulling each other up and so to show up at big bad Bob's barbeque bar mitzva 10 miles into the forest so that you shouldn't hurt anybody's feelings means that they're gonna that person's gonna be stuck whether or not to like Hanukkah candles next month and he's like well I don't have candles but I could go out and get candles but you know I I don't even know where I'd really get candles but I guess I could go search around mmm but you know forget it forget it and so that person who used to like candles didn't bother so so meaning you didn't do anyone any favors because everyone knows your level of observance and they're there and they're to see you compromise that even for them they may appreciate it a little because you did it for them but but you ultimately just dumped everybody you just took all the monkeys that you're holding and you just kind of went like that like knocked all those monkeys off their own Judaism because we're all holding each other up here and so if people already know you do certain things we're close to you who they may not do those things but I promise you there you're holding them up in some way or another in this you know deep exile we're in where people are just holding on by a thread so that thread is you sometimes that thread is your own personal observance I'm saying so there's a great responsibility in that and I'll tell you just one last thing before I take David's question is that uh just one more thing is that I want you to be a billy bad Bob or barbecue bar-mitzvahed party I want you to be there and I want people to walk up to you and go wow I can't believe you came like I thought you'd kept Shabbos and you say see up there that hill over there with a pine forest you notice that tent I've been here since Friday you camped out just to be with us for Shabbos that means a lot it means a lot to us and you want to know something my mother did that when she became observant she she was like one of the matriarchs of this big family how can she stop going to the bar mitzvahs in the bat mitzvahs and all the all the bruises all the things that were being held in times and situations where you just can't really make it cuz if you're keeping her luckily it would have been impossible but here one of the matriarchs of this big family became observant so you want to know something she was the one with the tent she was the one like she made sure she was there and you want to know something amazing is now that it's like she's been observing for I don't know how many years no in 27 years or something about 27 years later when there's an event in the family and these people are like there are no strangers to pork you know like they'll though it's like oh it's like how many things can you do wrong possibly at one bar mitzva okay you know there's a lot more bar than mitzvah at this bar minsu okay and the but what happens is when she receives the invites now and it's been already for 15 years like that when she receives her invited it's amazing she opens the invite she gets the classic invite and in there it says the hotel that they booked for no one got a hotel booked everyone's driving it and the hotel it says how far it is from the from the synagogue or the hall where the reception is and and here's the certificate of the food we've ordered for you and it took a couple years for them to catch on that her love and commitment to the to the family was gonna stay of the highest level relevance to her as her observance of Tara it was gonna keep she was gonna keep both standards to the point where today you know you send my mother an invite to a bar mitzvah she gets it with like a full the full carte blanche kosher experience you know and she's sitting there eating her thing that was sometimes it brought him from really far away from like some Habad 500 miles away it was like sent via Amazon or something you know double wrapped for some microwave or something to get it heated up for her but it's always well set up for her and it's very respectful that they do that and it's all because she refused to be one of those Bali chuhwa who hides from their family to keep their observance you can do both it may be inconvenient you may miss creosote tyrunt there's usually no Torah reading when you camped out in a forest you know but that's okay Torah reading is a is a public obligation it's not an individual obligation when you're camped out in the forest you don't have to hear the time dove it whoops what I want to call your name yoohoo duh that's where I was going but I decided if I blew the first guess I'm not going on the second one the Chavez coulda stayed the family after the meal watches TV together that's your question I'm afraid dear what you did but he's that much better oh thank you zoom back out I just give it a two fingers so I personally would have I would have I would have first seen what they're watching just kidding it's like the Super Bowl where's that Sunday Sunday yeah Super Bowl Sunday so um no I'm kidding I I would have just said I you know I'm tired I'm gonna sleep and they would have all known they would all know why you're going to see but it would have been a probably a better thing to establish standards at least your own the old uh go with it go with the Gentile to the rock concert and have them hold your ticket you know have them carry teeth all day in New York they all used to go to the ballgame it's all the shomer Shabbos kids used to go to the games and um anyway but that's that's a that's an individual basis which you're asking me as an individual but no no you mean a letter law for sure it's a lot but the question is is it the right thing to do okay you're asking more the right thing - I think news individual bayside have to know more about you I don't know where you're at I don't know what's going on with you you know I know several people have been observant now for thirty years and they're still at every music festival that is also on Shabbat and they're they're always at those festivals and they're never gonna stop going to them and they and they they actually run run Shabbos tents at the festivals with a whole Shabbos meal and they just have it worked out with the organizers that they'll be also at the concerts and so they're dancing at the concerts and then they're running back to surf chillin so I know that sounds pretty out-there but that's what I'm saying youyou get you got it know the individual you gotta know where they're holding you know is it that or they're just gonna break Shabbos maybe it's better but better they should be doing exactly that that might be their Mitzvah Shabbos because otherwise they wind up breaking shot was I don't know it depends on the person you know they the funny thing is that these concerts that one's getting high and so I mean are you allowed to have a Gentile blow smoke into your mouth anyway my sense is that having a Gentile blow smoke in your mouth is forbidden I think yeah it's like so directly directly Mavi Rache you know their moderation for you what some of my students are gonna really love where this class is going if he doesn't clear his bomb if he didn't get his bong as broadly permitted to clear his bone okay but not if he did it specifically for you you just have you just put it you just happen to walk up hey what's up mind if I clear that bong okay so go ahead so anyway you have another question is becoming a holic for yourself we had someone very close to have been very hurt by those standards yeah let by a Judaism right let's say if I build standards for myself when it comes to Judy's and put someone very close to me has been very hurt by that it doesn't have those standards anymore very hurt by their standards so how do I show them that I still love them and accept them but at the same time still be able to hold to my standards and not put straight on them at the same time just keep my essence so I would imagine that the best thing to do would be to communicate that you love them and accept them even though you're gonna be keeping your standards and that your standards have nothing to do with your love and acceptance of them and just be be highly communicative if it doesn't work so then you call them out and you get passive-aggressive you call them out on it you just say like like why is my observance affecting you this way now they're stuck they have to answer and then I promise you it's gonna be about them and not you and so you're set if you say that like why is my observant affecting you like this it's gonna automatically set it up they're gonna have to start answering for themselves you're off the hook just love bond them like do something over-the-top you know flowers box of chocolates all the good things go over the top of them so they it's like they could never deny your love for them and I only brought up that as a muscle the flowers in box of chocolate that was only as an analogy but go so over to the top that they could never deny it and then and then the the if they still have an observance issue that's their naration not yours ladies gentlemen our next class today is making sense of science everybody