How to Lubricate Your Social Life

Shalom and welcome to practical spirituality here at Asia tour in the old city of jerusalem overlooking the Temple Mount and please go online to yom tov media club.com yom tov media club come and help us get the word out by joining the club relationships are you know the number one subject of every you know inquiry people want to know about the relationship side you know what probably the best way for me to explain that is I think we all know deep down the following statement that your life is only as good as your relationships think about that one your life is only as good as your relationships true or not true you can sixth you could succeed in all kinds of things and if your relationships aren't great so that's how good your life is or you could do lousy and all kinds of endeavors but have amazing relationships how's your life it's amazing amazing your lights only as good as your relationships that's just a fact of life and you want to invite these people in over here people don't realize it's a drop in class sometimes tell me to drop in clutch hi ladies it's a drop in class too so you know that two seats here I wasn't sure who was out there so what you accused to flip over that sitter please just so they're the principles your life is only as good as your relationships right and that's a really important thing to get because because once you realize that you can reorganize yourself towards great relationships but of course great relationships mystified people in a major way it's hard to have great relationships with people and there's various reasons why one of them I'm not gonna go into right now but we we went into it a few months ago it's called the misery comfort zone and we all have this zone called the misery comfort zone to define it it's the amount of misery you're comfortable with and anything that threatens to make you happier you will sabotage you got that Shay say it again Shay sitting in for the rest of you misery comfort zone is the amount of misery that you're comfortable with in anything that threatens to make you happier you will sabotage so we all have a misery comfort zone and instance relationships are great relationships are what make our lives great so we'll sabotage those relationships and and then people get mystified by relationships now you don't have to look any further than the Cibola to teach you the secret to make sure your relationships are working properly and the way we do that is just simply focusing on this attribute which is the theme of this week right now we're in a seven-week hell called sphere so over the counting of the omer and each week has a theme to it and this week is the theme called t Ferriss or to ferret you pronounced your table so it's called to Ferris and to Ferris doesn't have a definition in in English there's no term for it in English buddy but it's so just let it be what it is everyone say the word to Ferris together one two three okay and it's really one of the reasons why it doesn't really have a meaning is it's something you get is more of a functional term hi table for two I think yeah maybe maybe you'd consolidate and give this a couple of table okay yeah it's something really crazy happens we have to start again and if you do that oh yeah start again if you switch there you go yeah yeah you never think in 2019 you have to tell people to video side way but you do here we go and to this day we still see news stories where you know like serious news stories like they could have spent that foot they could have sold that footage for like half a million dollars except bozo didn't know not to film vertically and so what do you get the most important footage in the entire year and like the most important breaking story was filmed on a smartphone vertically and so the news you know they try to show it to you on the news and it's like they have to blur out besides you know and there's just like this chimney of visual and that was the best they could do because of the vertical filming but they they really shouldn't it should say on our cell phones when we get this phone like do not video vertically and and whether you really do is ruin it for people who video vertically by having their phone cuz it looks good when you reply when you replay it on your own smartphone looks funny there'll be problems if you try to post it someone told me that Instagram you can post vertically videos for vertically I heard that is that you said that's now everyone's gonna be totally confused cuz there you can do it vertically but good luck sending it to anyone else anyone's computer okay here we go I'm just to catch you two up no you're great it's a drop in course you you dropped in better than anybody so yeah what we were saying is your life's only as good as your relationships and nothing else matters until your relationships are really solid and then and then everything else you want to do in life go do it so what we just spoke about is the key to relationships is the word - Ferris - Ferris has no definition and the reason why it has no definition is because it's more of a function word it actually is an active thing that you do and when you do it right - Ferris is what you get yeah you got that so it's a functionality thing it's something you do - Ferris is a verb but it's also an adjective so it's a verb and if you do the actions right that d'affaires demands - Ferris will be the adjective to describe your life there no here's how it works what you've to get to T Ferris you have to focus on the recipient of the relationship which is wherever you're in a relationship well your relationship a lot of Q so you gonna have to be focusing on a stranger if you're just walking by because it's not nice not to at least meet eyes with somebody it was a stranger or it might be someone behind a counter when you order a salad there's gonna be a lot of they're the recipient you may think you're the recipient cuz you're getting a salad but while you're interacting with them you're the recipient of interaction and they're your recipient of interaction so to be into Ferris means to be very focused on the recipient now when you focus on the recipient you it is good we got in we got green let's see if this green works I like using green for my arrows yes it does work the recipient then goes up to here and tells how much limitation was a limit or restraint how much limit or restraint is gonna be necessary for this to be a good interaction is that clear so so like for example you were saying yesterday that in the southern states of us a lot of restraints necessary for a man meeting a woman because it is improper for man to stretch out his hand to a woman in the south rather she can stretch out her hand to a man we're talking about just regular people a woman can stretch out her hand I've seen I've actually it's funny I'm not from the South but I have been in social events where a guy is really kind of grabby four hands and he walks up to nice-looking women you know like women he'd really like to talk to this event and he just puts out his hand like hi I'm so-and-so and the woman's just like like that's a little too much which is really strange but the but I've but the woman in the south is loud in southern states the US is allowed to put out her hand so what are we finding out that who needs more restraint the man or the woman man's gonna be more restraint and woman needs less restraint but it may be a really good idea for her not to be signalling to him anything and therefore to also be using the restraint until she finds out who in the world this guy is because what are you doing handing in your hand to someone who's might be dangerous for all you know how do you know you can trust this guy you got to really check out recipients and then you know how much restraint that clears so far what we're doing here so this like ABCs and relationships but it literally will lubricate all your relationships is to simply look at the recipient and see how much is necessary let's say for example the recipient of my relationship is my child now should I be using limit and restraint living restraint well not too much I mean the father is the the father and parenting is the son and the mother is also the son and you don't want to create like a solar eclipse for your children so you know berries drink too much but what if your kid just tried to make cheese toast in the VHS toaster did I just call it a VHS toaster what if your kid tried to make cheese toast in your VHS machine VHS used to be these ways that we used to watch videos when we're kids there's a big giant tape yeah you probably never heard of a cassette tape but it's like a cassette tape on steroids you ever saw a VHS tape it was like 20 years ago I think they may be even more anyway but it looks perfect for a little kid to make cheese toast you know inside the VHS movie player' but if he does it day after day do you want to be having a relationship when I say having a relationship with the recipient what I'm really saying here is how much love do you want to be showing right now how much active love do you want to be showing right now or haven't you want to restrain that well when the kids are behaving you don't want to restrain it much at all how about a spouse should a husband should he limit his expression of love to his wife yes or no what do you think ladies know should a woman ever restrain her love towards her husband and then you see the double standard is every woman has her she has her love on a volume knob with her husband not her real love not the eternal love of like soulmates forever stuff not that so I'm done how she how she's interacting with the recipient meaning how that love is coming to the recipient for the there's a there's a pretty heavy double standard here with men and women with husbands and wives and no one no man should come it's just built this way that mutant men are not allowed to do what's normal in relationship this is what's normal is you look at the recipient you then judge how much limit or restraint you should put on the love and then and then send it send them that love that amount of relationship it's a stranger it's not give me a tongue you know might be a nod or something like a bow you know if the person serving your meal at a restaurant you know there should be some level of interaction going on here very little but some and so that's how you stay in to Ferris all the time now the double standard here which we don't have to focus on I know people love talking about gender inequality and stuff but it's super unequal when it comes to marriage is that women are allowed to play with the love use love like gotta like a biscuit you know doggie biscuit and whereas men are men are never allowed to do that like ever and if a man ever plays that game ho ho you will be sorry and of course he could like tell her like yesterday you just totally held love over my head over my head like a gun and she's just like I don't even know what you're talking about it's like totally amnesia today anyway but if any men are listening to me today your job is not to be angry about that it's it's the way of the world that's it and in a smart man a smart man who plays his cards right he's gonna use that as feedback to how he interacts it's feedback and it's important feedback and and a smart man's not gonna dig in his digging his heels on this he's going to use the way his wife sins love his way he's gonna use that as feedback how he's doing it's fine women don't women can't use their husband's love as feedback because we either are you know full you know no limit no restraint whatsoever or they're gonna give it to us over the head and is finding that balance giving too much is never we just did we just described how you do that mechanical like what the actual mechanics are so you got to read your recipient which tells how much give or to use so that love is going to last and that's and then when you do that the state you go into his culty Ferris it almost makes a heart you know what if we make this arrow what if we make this green arrow more heart like that might come out pretty nicely how'd that come out it's just is it becoming more heart like anyway but that that's the goal now what's interesting about this is this is the balance of all of creation think about your leg even your body right now what's sustaining your body right now and who's the recipient so and who's the causer so God is causing existence into existence so he's creating you right now and there is limitation meaning you have an edge or not you don't go on forever you know you're at the end of your body and then it's air next to you so that's going on you're you're you have a constant kind of read you're being rejuvenated at all times then your body's getting the constant rejuvenation that's happening all the time you're in the recipient of t ferret which is the perfection of God creating you which is quite amazing so it's going on all the time a river rivers tend to stay in the river channel that's to Ferris it's flowing but it's limited by the banks sometimes it overflows the Jordan overflowed this year a little bit not a ton and it generally sticks with the sticks with the banks okay and keeps it flowing flowing down and and in that case the recipient just you know it's the river itself is is the recipient of God creating rivers and having a you know God sold some of the creating it we're also recipients okay any questions at this point okay so now all we're going to do is discuss when your either your love or your limits have been a lot of people have damaged flow this is flowing ones love that's I said and then the limitation of is that can also get damaged so when people for example when people aren't given proper borders as kids they grew up in in a situation where there was not the borders were not maintained which can include a lot of different things it could be emotional it could be physical sexual it could be any types of things but anytime that borders were not properly we're not properly honored for that person so there can be different manifestations that will take someone very far out of to Ferris one of those manifestations would be someone who who their misery comfort zone which we brought up earlier their misery comfort zone would be to never eat they don't deserve to limit things they are what would you call an Hebert company called half guard there I understand English what would you call that what's that f ker yeah maybe limitless for our Fuhrer kisses Hefner would be limitless so that's someone who was not given the proper was his limits were her limits were not respected and therefore they just live kind of limitlessly and this can happen from also from like hippie parents who didn't create proper borders in the household and stuff meaning they didn't do anything wrong they were just non they weren't good at limitations you know they're just - trippy hippie parents who who didn't know how to limit things properly and so the kid might not have proper boundaries growing up because there were no boundaries sorry boundaries as an adult because they weren't around but also the opposite can happen is that someone's boundaries were were not given to them properly and they and what happened was they put up strong boundaries that are no longer appropriate for whom no longer appropriate for the recipient whoever that was sitting in today's so if you ever noticed that someone's kind of cold guys ever noticed certain people are colder than the other side so those cold people and you probably don't like them very much and you might even have a whole narrative you've created that like why don't they like me but it could be they don't even know who you are really and they never even noticed you because their boundaries are so high that they never saw you even though they should have and they might live in your building or it might be someone you've bought a product from like you know day after day and but there's certain people are a little cold and those cold people are have left the world of to Ferris there be limits and they're just never gonna get hurt by anybody st. Claire so so yeah so when it comes to our own healing when we're not healed meaning when the limits get mixed up so then we wind up not flowing properly towards recipients and we can also we lose our intuition for the recipient like we're the recipients really asked we don't know how to act and there's actually a disease called it's a mental illness on the autism spectrum Asperger's as we're good examples of people who don't they're there to Ferris is just like like they can't get into to Ferris because they don't know how to deal with the recipient properly they don't recognize body language very well here um herbal language they don't really get the meaning even when you're straight out with them they can miss it so that that can be an issue and that's well that's why it's one of the number one that and like what's the other one to BPD fine maybe it is borderline personality disorder those two are like the hardest in marriage virus Amer people can succeed in marriage with with Asperger's or with it one of them has Asperger's or one of them has borderline personality but the but those are the biggest challenging ones and so people have to people have to speak you know to rabbinic authorities and find out if that's something they're gonna pursue or not if they're in that situation anyway but that's it that's the the Asperger's with someone who doesn't they just don't have intuition at all about the recipient okay very good any questions at this point okay yeah so they're limitless they give and they given they give ya how are they correct it by not giving and giving and giving they have to mellow out and do it right they have to be really conscious of themselves and catch them right and they have to introspect see what where it's all coming from questions any other questions on this subject okay great so the only other thing we're gonna do is because this is the week our entire week is to be spent figuring this out ladies and gentlemen meaning this is the week that you get this move so for example yesterday was s it should be to Ferris so what you should have been doing yesterday and me too is we should have been fine figuring out who we've been holding out on me we've been holding back too much and we were supposed to yesterday we were supposed to make phone calls and emails and I was actually I was a good boy I was in touch with people that I've been out of to Ferris with and so I sent a few whatsapp's here and there just hello you know nothing big cuz I'm not asking to be best friends but I did it I've been inappropriately out of touch with certain people and so I I did shoot a few messages towards various people yes that was yesterday today is who have you been overly restraining with or underly restraining with because today is the second day of the seven days of - Ferris and so the second day this is one this is - and this is week three so we did a whole week on this we did a whole week on this and now we're on a whole week of to Ferriss and so our job today is to figure out where have we been overly limited or underly limited in react in our interactions with with the recipients so you just want to look at that where it's been where you've been out of - Ferriss with certain people clear good okay yeah yeah cuz the other person has their issues and so I need more specific so like I can make something up that they're so so that would today would be a good day to talk to them about rules of interactions standards complaints even parents need rules sometimes you know like certain parents even parents I mean you you have to set up compliance rules sometimes for parents is sad if it gets to that but but it there's many cases that's the that's what has to happen and it has to come with has come with consequence you know so so like I've I've had people say like this is these are the rules you break the rules we're not in touch for a week and then of course they inevitably break the rules because they can't help themselves because they're not really working on themselves and then you don't answer your phone calls for a week and maybe next week they'll do better and eventually you got someone who behaves themselves so in the meeting people have to do this with their parents and that's like you can't ask for a worse example of or there's many words but it's pretty bad example of honoring your parents but you know you got to speak to our local rabbi but it could be parents you know have need this kind of treatment to get them balanced and especially to do it while you're young cuz once you get married parents can weigh overstep for themselves in their relationship with you and when you're single you think oh it's a big deal I'm single I like letting let it go you know I'll deal with it when I'm married know your spouse will be dealing with it when you're married you're you'd nip it in the NIP it in the bud now so that hopefully when you get married you don't have to hide your parents from this person if you have a parent who's dysfunctional in this kind of stuff yeah lot of there was that you said that twice and then both were different pronouns for different things so I lost you punishing your parents for non-compliance you have to hit them where it counts it could be that wouldn't bother a parent it could be some else would bother them you have to figure out what bothers them the reason I brought up that example was because all this parent wanted was to be in touch that was their goal the parents goal was to be in touch problem is the parent didn't have proper limitation and interaction and so that the daughter said listen think here's the rules keep him or lose it you know lose the contact she helps she was holding the contact over over her father's head he had rules another a rule she had was he's not allowed to find out where she lives by the way I'm the one who convinced her after 10 years to send her first text message to the father 10 years she's like why should I do that I'm like you'll see just do it you'll understand and so she did it made rules one of his rules was he's not allowed to try to figure out where she lives if she finds out he figure out tried to figure out where she lives it's a month a month of no God and he did it he driving you tried to figure out where he lives you got a month off mum punishment anyway but she sent her first text and the rule was they're not gonna talk but they're gonna text once a week so she got her first text back and then I got the strangest what this change is whatsapp message sorry I say what's happening if you're from California and you still haven't figured out that that's the best motive communication the I don't know if you guys know this about Californians but they've missed whatsapp completely entirely the best you can hope for for them is they'll have like a child who moves overseas and then they'll finally realize what saps the best form of communication and then and then maybe they'll start looking at your messages otherwise it's naive to ever what's a fat person from LA for example and think they're gonna see that message the by the way I know what happened to them what happened to people from LA is LA people were very into social media and then platform a foot platform hit what's that pit so there's like forget it and like I'm out you know like oh at best all whatsapp our Facebook message at best and then they and they totally missed what's that yeah and they literally like they there they banned themselves from this incredible platform am I starting to rant a little bit I'll finish ranting quickly her a team that don't have whatsapp make me crazy that's crazy because there are people who I'm up to really help and they really you know and I'm helping people who need my help 1/100 of this game but they're getting all kinds of help because of what's happened I mean people really they need me but not like he needs me for she needs it but because they don't know what's that they're just not getting out now what are we supposed to do about that and can rabbis make exceptions for people who are in serious trouble you know to have ability to receive what sex and can they can they make smartphones that only have one say like no other a lot of these people are trying to keep their little their visuals kosher like they're trying not to see things nuts Nia's not you know you know they don't want to see something inappropriate but it means that they don't get to message properly if the world do they make smartphones where you can only have whatsapp they could call me at 200 bucks an hour or they can or they can send me a one-minute message and I will work back and forth with them every time I get a little chance and I'm fortunate a lot of people spend a lot of money on those phone calls with me that well I hoped for free another 50 people during that week this person was down a grand my name is Mike and they I didn't help him any differently than anyone what's that think god they had the money to afford it okay now I'm ranting I'm done no more ranting the but we're I was just sending something goin man I know that's what was I just today we have to really look at how we're restraining or either under or over restraining ourselves and religion okay so let's work on that together everyone grab a partner if you're watching this live your jobs just to do a little personal work and I'd like everyone to take a moment and think about one person in their life where they're either under or over limiting how they're interacting with that person and you want to just you want to sit with him over there and you just turn your chair around okay and maybe you'll do you'll do you maybe turn your chair around your work with those two guys behind you okay okay everyone's got partners okay great so what we're gonna do is just take a minute or two everyone just again the live Watchers you're just gonna think about people in your life and we're gonna talk about one important relationship where you're out of t Ferriss specifically because you're either got the thing over squelch meeting over limited or you're just under limited and and you're you're opening yourself up in such a way to that person that you just wind up avoiding them it's like so this person's like constantly frustrated cuz you can't be near them because you don't know how to set up the you don't know how to set up the rules of communication there's rules that need setting up okay let's go so I hope you're doing your own work if you're not that type of type of person so I'll share with you place in my life that I could fix trying to think of something not too personally considering this a live feed here yeah I won't give any details but there is one person in my life is he's going very strong a limit and I'm I'm letting me that hurt in such a way that I'm limiting back I'm like fighting back with living back and now if I weren't to be limiting back if I weren't to limit back then I would be opening myself to a sense of rejection because this person for sure would not be forthcoming if I were meeting this person's on a campaign to not connect so but I'm kind of doing it back so what if I just stopped doing it back and just when treated him as if he was being normal and I will interact with him as if he's normal and one day he'll come around that's what I'm doing I'm putting you all on hold for a minute while I cinema what's okay I just watch septum how are you you should know that's big I'll probably get back what do you care all right another 30 seconds okay wrapping it up okay anyone here willing to share anyone wearing this shirt okay we got one chair over there and what else willing to share two chairs three shares okay great of you three any of you willing to share and make this live feed ten times more interesting because I get my main feedback I get is can't you just show the people instead of you like we're gonna see the people I used to get cut like they used to say like I get messages saying show us the people so is the people like now they know they're viewing so so that was that I got three of you willing to share I just one node you might be enough and Facebook collection yes fine you don't mind don't care okay excellent excellent okay great so um we're gonna start with you because you raised your hand first I might speak into it a little bit just so they hear you better you don't have to said give names my oh really you mind if because it's just extremely yeah we're not going you know who that and I'll try to protect the sim and the seminary girls from being filmed best thank you because they're all ditching they're ditching Sam no you're going to share with us somewhere where your limit or respect or restraining too much or not enough okay in a relationship so yeah so I am there's a relationship I feel like I'm restraining myself in the relationship okay so it's a family member and I think this person is when you're engaged in a conversation I feel like there's people that sort of take energy there's people that give energy and in this particular case I feel like they're the drain mm-hm so you know and they're not as inquisitive about my side I'm it's obvious or her and you know and and they're pretty they can be pretty negative and pretty cynical and you know I sort of choose to be around people that are positive like but when his family are you're stuck in a mill org and they're not a bad person at all and yeah so I struggle I have an internal struggle with it because I want to be closer and and feel better about our conversations by I also don't want to really volunteer voluntarily put myself in a situation that I might then I don't enjoy how would this person react to you bringing it up really probably like that it might balance things out yeah whatever their feelings yeah I'm hoarse but they probably notice you're a little distant well they'll say things like things like that you know you're like you're wired you know right let me tell you exactly why each time you go so so yeah that's that's that's it's like my I want to want to be more interested but I find myself being governor okay and so I mean I hate to play therapist no but I I would perhaps offer that when I'm with people like that I call it you know let's say her name is Glenda so I call it the Glenda show and whenever I'm with them I just really get into their show yeah and and I'm generally with them a limited time anyway because it's some family event or whatever and I always know it's gonna be their show when I'm gonna talk to them and I really like the show and it's kind of their show in there and it's time to hear about the show again and I really get in there and listen to about the show and I'll even be in touch with them to hear about the show and even go out to lunch with them which is insane because spend an entire lunch hearing in the show on them to ask you about your show you have other friends and just your expectations are here I call that the show yeah and you know what I call parents who are trigger people a lot and like they want to really avoid their parents you know what I called him flipped extreme I call those kind of parents I call them I called him Lou loves you know Lou la vez you know the cosmic vegetation that we shake around so I call them lullo's cuz because the parents like that you just got a shake I mean you gotta mitzvah to honor these parents where they happen to be parents a really hard to honor so there's those and Lou loves are really good hard to get poked by too but your job is not to get poked your jabs to shake the lulav and so when you got to be in those situations so I have people who it's the vehm show and I just go watch their show and it's quite entertaining especially after a cup of alcohol of some sort of another and the and then you know at family events there's usually cocktails you know everyone can loosen up a bit and then and then and then when you have to honor somebody you don't particularly want to honor or it's not easy Don in them you there your lulav because you got a mitzvah and so just like you shake a little love you have to shake your parents around a little bit and and so certain people need their parents to be lulav other parents are easy to honor and it's a pleasure to honor them but some parents are Lou loops so there's there's this guy show and then this girl show and there's the Lou loves and you know there's just reframing them okay you mind being filmed for your let's hear it for what's your name I'm Artie it's here from Artie willing to be on on live feed for yours for your share [Music] cannabis you know I'm trying to work on myself so how can I limit myself in that situation I came up with maybe hang out with them during the day you know when it's not really possible to go out drinking they may smoke though what do you think about I like it I like it yeah yeah definitely don't drop your friends but exactly with them whether or not like fost when they're not influencing you okay good okay excellent let's hear it what's your name she she was here for Shipman okay Your Honor um I love the word Hefner and I love my partner's definition of Hefner which is limitless because I'm quite the extreme to the right I give and I give and I give and I don't know how to set boundaries mm-hmm I live in a small little town and I'm the only doctor in the town whoa so I take care of the kids and I'm gonna open GYN but I take care of the kids and I do the strep cultures and they come to my house and I'm just giving and I'm giving and I'm giving and I like doing it but like I asked you before I need to learn to have that balance and descent restraints it's bringing up a lot of emotion for you I don't think the giving is what's causing all the emotion I think there's something else there you know I mean like you naturally give that's all coming naturally there's something else bringing the emotion that's totally around the giving there's something stir secondary because primarily your giver and I think you love it there's something else being that's triggering you about it don't work so do I give because I'm a giver or do I give because it makes me feel good do I give because I have the tools or do I give to feel loved so it was a deep to feel loved to feel loved yeah that's very honest yeah yeah so um I'm working on myself know that I'm really perfect in my imperfection mm-hmm and at the end of the day I don't want to be spent so I have to limit my giving hmm and if I decide not to give and somebody doesn't like it that's okay okay so okay let's what's your first thing Robin Robin is here for our amazing I mean that was like way beyond wait man I think everyone's wildest expectations for you to share like that and so openly and all the way you know like talking about not holding back you sure you're not from California that wasn't a very East Coast share yeah anyway thanks for putting it all out there so you mind if I come in a little bit so a couple of things one is I really believe you are that giver deep down and that that's your strength and I think that's how you got into medicine to begin with and I think you love the fact that it's that it your your practice has gone way beyond your field of specialty I think you like that and because you're really a doctor you're a doctor you're not just more you know one area you're all areas and and in a small town so I think it's really wonderful for you I think what's bringing up a lot of the feelings is is that it doesn't work I mean it just doesn't work in the end at the end of the day you wound up being like the mashiac of your community for health and did you don't necessarily look in the mirror the end of the day your life's a hell of a lot more meaningful then had you not done that all day so it's giving a great meaning so I think you're filled with meaning but the fact is that the way you have it set up that all that giving is bringing to love bringing the that I am loved or lovable we should say it doesn't work in the end and so and so the whole thing kind of collapses that it becames a house of cards so something so beautiful is the way you would spend a day in your town is in the end of house of cards that folds afterwards falls in on itself because because it you're not convinced even with all that giving in the end now what do we do when we when our our mode of interaction is is being fueled by negativity like that what do we do when the doing speaking that our life of doing is being fueled by negative states of being understanding doing and being I mean our doings being fueled by negative states of being tell me are do you think they're do you think it's probably pretty common that our doing is being fueled by negative states of being what do you guys think that's pretty common it's it's like I would say in 99% of people and 90% of the time if you were to take a snapshot of them doing something and you clicked on it and you got to like get a drop-down menu like you give us a four-step drop-down me and why you might be being everyone's Savior over there yeah to help everyone help in health there the if we gave a drop-down menu and let everyone guess what they were doing I bet you what do you guys think what are the chances that the person's doing is covering up some state of being some negative state of being probably pretty high it's probably pretty high probably most people are doing that most of the time me as a public speaker I didn't do very well in school and I noticed smart if you don't do well in school what are you likely gonna think about yourself let's just yeah why don't we say the not nice word about when you're not very smart stupid dumb yeah so so but I did notice that people who speak arse are people who are articulate are generally smart sizin well I can't do smart but maybe I could be articulate meaning what if I just would be articulate instead of smart and then I could let everyone think I'm smart by just being very eloquent in my speech and that's how I'm a public speaker today that's how I ultimately become posts because that with the same unlovable I have we share unlovable yeah unlovable is definitely in me so unlovable is under the category of our fear of rejection and stupids under the category of fear failure but somewhere between the two of them I wound up being a public speaker now did it work was it ever enough what do you think did it work does it work or does it just fold at the end of the day we'll ask Michael Jackson if it works asked Prince if it works ask Amy Morehouse what ask Amy Winehouse ask Amy Winehouse if it works does it work no it never works the only reason they're six feet under is because some people's doing is just so bombastic that they can't even sleep at night so they have to take sleeping pills and then they wake up all wiped out but they have to show up for some paparazzi thing and they got to look their best and so there's pills for that too but then you can't sleep at night again and sell these pills for that then you got to wake up and deal with your day as a rock star and there's pills for that how long does a body last 30 to 40 years yeah that's it's the original life expectancy actually and one of their popping pills you know back when people only lived till they're 40 I don't think so but the but that is the life expectancy of rock stars but that's only because they're there the body can't take it anymore now their bodies can't keep it up but we're the same we're the same it's just that we don't know if those levels of expectations upon us where we can lose our entire reputation in a minute by just having a bad interview you know or a bad concert or a bad photo shoot or a bad speech in a political rally or something you know your your whole career your whole candidacy can go away literally blowing one speech in zamora one-horse town but it got filmed you know so that's why these people can't live very you know don't live very long the way that but the key to all of this is to never stop the thing you're great at I'm not gonna quit public speaking because I have a lot of good to do and you're not gonna quit healing the community because you have a lot of good to do and and we do it quite naturally and it's it's a real outgrowth of our it's a real integrated experience of like you know it's just a natural progression of our essence outward so that's something that's something where we're never going to let go of what we can do though is we can we can get in touch with ourselves deep down and get truthful about who we are deep down meaning who we really are that probably will need for most people constant reminding me Neve deep down cuz you think I think I got to where I got to by being stupid no I'm definitely not stupid that's the truth but I'm gonna need reminding I have to remind myself am i loveable in through this okay okay you got a wife you got kids you know like just that's enough you know you got this incredible nuclear people that are in your life that you love and love you like who wouldn't want more tini you know if you need reminding but do I need to remind you yeah I need to remind you little feedback goes a long way because the the depth at which we have negativity inside our our self-talk is such that it probably won't go away but you can work on the fund the reminders lots of post-its around the house about how awesome you are you know you'd be you got to remind yourself that and also be close with people who are who are more or less effusive about the truth about you but then go do the things that you got good at doing you know you got good at doing something for all the wrong reasons doesn't mean you can't do it for all the right reasons say you can do it so my sense for you Robin my sense for you Robin is to not give less I don't think you need to limit that so much I think it also will start to a self limit to more appropriate levels of helping the people in the community I think it would limit itself the more that you set up your kind of immediate life to be you know a world of reminders of how special you are hey everyone Shalom Shalom that's not forever