Rabbi Yom Tov Practical Spirituality: Discussing Sexuality

Shalom and welcome to Asia Torres practical spirituality program with grab a Yom Tov Glaser here overlooking the Temple Mount just to let you know my schedule a little bit turn it to bang into things when you come in next time you're gonna party don't trash the place both at top I don't know in a minute : just let you know my schedule a little bit I'll be in Seattle Washington so anyone in the Pacific Northwest should do their best to come for Shabbos in Seattle and join join me I'll be teaching and doing a concert after Shabbos Seattle Washington this week you know and then I'll be then I'll be in Los Angeles for several days visiting my parents and surfing of course and then and then I'll be on the East Coast running a seminar possibly a seminar in Muncie so people in tri-state area it's worth - coming up to Muncie it seems that's becoming more of my headquarters lately for running seminars in New York okay gang um and you can just look that up the possible you org age groups it's Mary's but there are there's always a couple single girls coming to cry I mean try okay here we go so what we're talking about today is is discussing sexuality with children but I'm sure it's gonna hit a lot of different topics as we go and this is one of the things that you just don't want to leave for for self exploration if in any possible way to have your kids pre educated before they hit the big leagues it's a good idea now the history of sexual education in the Jewish community is that you tell them like a day or two before they get married about it now you know that means Santa unusual but it is a little shocking to tell this to you know a 12 year old girl who's getting married next week it's enough of a shock I mean what are you gonna do start telling her when she's 11 you know but but girls got married between 12 and 14 throughout all of history and so it was left til before the wedding we don't have much of a tradition of sexual education other than right before the little girl's wedding between 12 and 14 the boys also didn't get much of a sexual education either because they were getting married between 14 and 16 and so it just wasn't the kind of thing you discussed much of because you know they probably still thought girls were weird or something by the time they're finally having a marry one and and so we don't have a long tradition of sexual education we do have sexual education however in in our sages our sages in the Talmud speak about it and it's interesting that that that though there's one particular case where one of our sages is explaining to his daughters how to how to please their man quite graphically and he it was kind of shocking that the father was the one training his daughters in this and there's a lot of discussion in a lot of discussion in the in amongst our sages on the subject but probably most of that was being spoken to to marrieds most of that besides obviously the right before marriage instructions so right before marriage instructions we're going to the going to the kids and then they would then they would get married and then as any other like more intense details of how to do things right are we're probably explained after the fact like how to do it in the actual details of it yes by the way oh I just want to mention that any questions or any comments we're gonna be going with the highest level because we're discussing this is not something I'd usually discuss we're gonna be going with extreme extreme respect extreme respect like like you want to ask questions or comment with with no joking around at all this is not the kind of subject where we're gonna be laughing and giggling over or saying anything that might draw attention to you or to anyone okay go ahead couple reasons there's a customer they're married so young you know at first of all them having having sexually curious single people is never good on a society it's just bad for society period you're from a society where it's considered normal but so a lot of bad things have become normal you know like for example workaholism and absent fathers and have become normal while they're working in these days you know single-parent families all together have become normal there's all kinds of things that have become normal and one of those is is sexually curious singles that can stay single well into their 30s and this is a phenomenon that's that's that is not a norm not in the Jewish world and not in the secular world in the Gentile world it was never ever a thing and they're actually most more primitive you know meaning less Western societies today they still get married the girls get married between 12 and 14 and the boys get married between 14 to 16 in all societies that aren't westernized another question already was quick it's a little late now there have been some movements like in New Rochelle I am there are some parts of mesh re m-- that are that the girls will get engaged 16 and the boys will get engaged at like 17 but it's it's not yet common that kind of practice it's from very very traditional families that will do something like that but very traditional what's that yeah they well the thing is is what's interesting about it is that when you get married at 14 years old if you're a boy you're not exactly expected to like you know go out and like become a lawyer at the time meaning you're you're going to be very well cared for by your family now don't forget historically every twelve-year-old learns a trade and is working by 13 there was no such thing as a yeshiva never in Jewish history you Shiva's are only the last 200 years and they were an answer to the secularization during the Enlightenment movement when Jews started leaving the fold leaving Judaism they created you Shiva's to to protect the people that basically babysits people in yeshiva for a few years until it's time to get married so the there was never such a thing as a yeshiva so boys generally worked they trained at 12 worked by 13 and after Bar Mitzvah they were already making some money also people lived much simpler than you you had a house with a room and you didn't have indoor plumbing so there was no kitchen you just had a house and it was a room and you lived there with your wife and as you had kids you would expand you know build another room the community gets together you had add to the size of it it was not they were not dealing with the things we're dealing with today and I mean today if you marry off a 14 year old you're gonna be basically have been dealing with a heavy financial liability for years and that at that point let's give someone else a chance otherwise it's just me your glasses oh yeah glad you're getting us back to the subject thank you very much appreciate that that was your subject actually thank you so anyway so that's why it wasn't really in a traditional to to teach it in that's why it wasn't it's not a tradition to teach sexuality before marriage other than right before marriage and the now that the age has gone up quite a bit so it leaves kids quite curious you know at different ages so those ages have changed over the years about 10 years ago that kind of curiosity was hitting was hitting only the smartest kids in the yeshiva who were about 14 or so into 1314 they would discover in the Talmud itself why because they would notice that the Talmud teacher would skip certain parts of the Talmud now the smarter kids who also had more ability to learn stuff that was not yet given over meaning that could really take apart a piece of gomorrah they would they would take that apart and study you know anything the Rebbe skipped was the most exciting stuff to study and they would study whatever the Rebbe skipped and the but also a smart kid learns Rashi Rashi is very very liberal when he when he comments about sexuality he's very little even last last week's parsha you know goes in Rashi you know clearly states that rifka was not only a virgin from the traditional way but even from a non-traditional way of a non-traditional point of entry as we should say I suppose the raaah she's uh she's not a ninny when it comes to this stuff wrong she's super liberal about it and now the kids are learning hummus with Rashi kids are learning that stuff so bright kids just immediately gonna be asking his father what that's all about you know and in the in the in the secret way that our sage is used for the word sexuality is the word Tosh me shemitah which means using the bed or something or it's kind of hard to understand exactly but I've I think every one of my kids have asked me what does it mean toss me shemitah using the bed so if the kids too young for you just say just means like you know moving the bed around a bit yeah moving the bed round yeah it's not gonna make a lot of contextual sense but I guess we'll stick with that hold-hold for a few minutes let me try to develop this okay now by the way you should know I love questions cuz I usually come in here having no idea what I'm gonna say so your questions are everything for me but actually today I know what I'm gonna say actually I don't know what I'm gonna say as usual but but here's the thing here's the thing as a parent your job is pre-empting your kids knowledge with every subject every subject your job when you're talking to kids is to feel around their knowledge base for anything anything could even be money and finance and stuff like that many kids don't have any idea about that you work to make a living to bring home food you know that Mommy can shop or daddy could shop and bring home something kids don't get that and why let them know that when they're 4 and the answer is you don't let them know that when they're four unless you unless it's you're a firstborn son of a capitalist because every firstborn son every father thinks he has to tell him absolutely everything that there ever was to know Under the Sun I guess in case he dies in case he dies my son shouldn't like not know everything and the next son you're like well that was stupid you know like why don't we let this kid actually grow up normal you know he doesn't have to know everything and the third kid you're like let him figure it out but certain things are better to figure out themselves certain things are better that you help them figure out and one of those things is sexuality you want to you want to feel out the situation with sexuality with your children to get a sense of what they know and depending what they know you let them know and you also it's really important that you're super open with your children in such a way that they trust you for all their sexuality information you are the receptacle the receptacle sorry you are the the giver of all sexual education because if it's not gonna be you well it's gonna be their friends and and so you don't want that going on at all cuz you have no idea what our other parents are telling their children maybe way beyond what you would have told your children so as long as you're right above the right above the curve right in front of the curve of knowledge of your children's knowledge of sexuality as long as you're right in front of that curve you are the educator and they're gonna trust you and they're gonna love talking about it too it's gonna be very exciting for them to talk to you about it and it's really important you're the what's the right word I'm looking for you stuck with the word educator you're the you're the educators yeah and there is a term for whatever you're the and I'm looking for a word doesn't matter you're the address now anyway but I could give you some very important times one of those important times is is around puberty then there are discussions with the children we'll discuss them each individually boys and girls and when it comes to girls girls have a girls have a really deep need for relationship and it's important that they understand going into high school from 14 I think it is when the girls go to has come about 14 I think that before they go into high school where they're gonna hit the big leagues so it's really important that in only in these days by the way you didn't have to do this ten years ago but today any girl going in at 14 years old needs two instructions one instruction is about sexuality in general and she also has to protect herself and make sure she's not she is not falling prey to any predators and that's one and the other thing is that she also has to be instructed on relationship and that is to not not go too deep into relationships in high school such that it messes up her marriage later you don't want your child to get that involved in a relationship that her marriage and boys to but specifically more girls is that you don't want their marriages to be messed up by their relationships I've had to counsel women in their 30s they've already been married 10 years or plus who had who had gone too far with their best friends and were were their hearts it with men and women both want to give all their hearts to somebody and they want someone to hold their heart forever and especially in the ages around around 14 on there's a tremendous need that someone would hold your heart and this is why women fall prey so easily because any man could pretend to hold a girl's heart and you know if she doesn't have really if she is not seriously fortified for for protecting herself he's just gonna keep playing her until he wins and when he wins then he's gonna block her number after that I might not block it for a couple weeks but he will block it eventually and so that's why it's really important if a girl ever has someone saying how much she loves he loves her that she has a couple moves she makes one is she asks him and watches his eyes and facial muscles very carefully when she asks this she asks him have you ever said this to anyone else before and he's gonna either tell the truth that he's a predator meaning he's a young nice neighborhood predator he's not a rapist he's a predator but he's a predator of women's women's bodies and in the ODE but the thing is he likely will lie but he'll give away the lie with his eyes or his facial muscles and there will be something in his body language that will show you that he's lying and then you know he's pretty predicating on you he's preying on you and and then the other move which is a very simple move is are you going to be are you gonna be worth more or less after you get thrown out or even the next day meaning let's say a girl does acquiesce because he loves her and then of course we find out what he wanted and then is she worth more now or worth less now afterwards meaning meaning is she been built by this or broken down by this has she been made better by this experience or has she been been made worse in her experience of herself her life her overall situation which one better or worse the answer is not just a little worse but if depending how observant the family is you know because if this if virginity is considered a high goal here so then a lot worse meaning she has been taken a step yeah she's been dropped an entire category that is a massive category that includes stuff that's read on the ketubah under the Hopa that you know should be able to be read but could not be read if she loses her category as a virgin so now so what's that step word what's that move we're taking the move we're taking is is if he loves me why is he taking me down someone who loves me would only take me up when you love somebody you build them no one who truly loves another person would ever break them in any way no one would make them worth less by having been in a relationship with them part of loving somebody is raising them up you're always raising somebody when you love somebody and therefore she's got now she has bug repellent and he's the bug because it's clear that what he wants is gonna be taking her down and so all this love he keeps you know playing her with is is actually just predatory skills and and she can now catch him red-handed taking her down know how one second how can a girl allow such a thing to happen to her and the answer is the reason she can allow such thing to take place is because that's how vulnerable these ages are and this is part of the fallout of having stop marrying girls off at this age is that they're they're an extremely vulnerable position to allow someone to lie straight to their eyes like meaning of just completely lie and prey on them and they will fall into that not only will they fall in once they'll fall in multiple times and sometimes become it becomes like almost a serial acquiescence that she has with with with males and but but again the way this is gonna show up in marriage is just gonna be really really rough meaning that person who actually puts his ring on her finger for the rest of their lives meaning this guy is dedicating his life to her come rain sleet or snow no matter what goes on he is absolutely 100 dedicated to this woman's heart and the betterment of her situation but who he gets is just absolutely destroyed soul someone who's been through the egg slicer and not just once but like switched the angle and keeps getting sliced and diced and and that's what he gets now he has you know unless she tells him what she's gonna send him packing he's gonna run for his life so unless she tells him when he which she probably wouldn't and shouldn't he's it's a really unfair thing to do to a man and it's also unfair to do to oneself is that you really want to be so pure for your essential soulmate god-given relationship like that is not something you take lightly you are you are the relationship you'll be having when you get married is a god-given thing you don't have so many god-given things besides your eyes and yours you know meaning your five senses you got your body you know like those are god-given things everything else is like you know maybe it's God given that these are your parents and these are your siblings but not a lot goes on in your life that's god-given this meeting straight direct like that but your soulmate is who you'll marry is a god-given reality and it's the most magical thing of your whole life is that person and its quality is based on the dedication toward one another but you gotta have something to dedicate what's that something your heart your hearts gotta be intact how do you dedicate your heart when you're arts missing half its pieces from stupid relationships that you know we're you know not at all rectified so when there's nothing left of you so how is that given some in your heart when you got nothing left to give so so that god-given thing is something you want to honor now by the way I just want to mention that if anyone did blow it who's watching this video or is in the room and has already given their heart away a couple times and it's been sliced and diced and all that so what that means in your marriage will years of trust that you'll have to gain a lot of trust because because it's really hard to open your heart when you've been hurt it's really hard to open your heart and the funny thing is is you're wearing a wedding band like it's like what the mind knows the heart is slow you know with the mind no the heart is slow the my nose hey I'm married the heart is slow because the heart doesn't trust it doesn't matter even marine wedding dancing everything but I have I've spoken a couple after couple every couple who has a past before that wedding takes years of trust years of trust to finally open up the heart and you want to know something this is not depressing it's not depressing because it's what God intended for your growth obviously now that we're after the fact and now we're married our job as people is to be giving trust and giving trusting giving trust and and giving more heart as we're giving trusting would give them more heart more heart and what happens is as you're over the years of your marriage you develop more and more trust for each other and more and more heart gets salvaged that you're able to find parts your heart that you just thought you'd never be able to GPS and like here you've GPS too and you've found it and you and you're given the second you find something you give you find that part of your heart you give that partner all of this that I just shared is why it's so important to educate your children in relationships before high school and these days is probably even younger I would imagine 13 12 you just depends your job is to be in such an amazing relation with your children that they share the periphery of their knowledge they're sharing the outside edge of their knowledge now I know the outside edge I can now inch them further and lead them with total trust and total obviously confidentiality of the conversation it's usually not both parents who have this level of openness and guidance ability and so but you know make sure it's you or your spouse okay I see a lot of questions coming up his was the first yeah well I make sure it's a question or comment comments I don't know it is I spoke about a lot of stuff yeah I refused to believe that too you and I are in the same boat in that question we agree on this he's in the room okay 18 years for an 80 girl yeah and who doesn't know about these details they don't know about this stuff Oh meaning they know about the act but they don't know all the relationship stuff this is where this right like an 8 year old boy yeah mm-hmm this is what long walks are for that's why God created fishing you know like you you go out on the boat mmm you can't really go anywhere unless you go on swimming you go way out into the lake and you talk about it you know you you have these conversations this is where you know you got to have quarterly you got to have some kind of little road trip yeah it's camping or boating or somewhere captive where you can have it all out yeah I suggest those kinds of things I do that with my kids and I realize I only got your comment what was the question so we were in agreement with that what's your question about this subject has the the amount of love that a jewish woman has can't go around and after about 12 children i was told for having one or two kids that have that amount of 12 love for 12 kids ready routers right out for one or two I like I like your question is a cute question and it's not an easy one love love is not limited to yeah the question ultimately wound up being do the women who can have enough love for 12 people do they judge the one point the one point two people for only having one point two kids well they can even though they have the love for 12 apparently if they're women so anyway so the answer is the answer is that every woman has a capacity to love not just 12 kids they have a capacity to love 10,000 kids because love is not a subject of love is not a subject that relates to the quantity of receivers however attention does get spread out and you there's not an infinite amount of attention and one one gutta love Bottari in jerusalem one of the great rabbis of jerusalem used to walk around and say that one should never been born he only said it to himself he they said it to himself because he would see he could sense people so well I guess if you heard who it was restock them he was one of the Gedaliah door he said that that he really felt that that parents who parents who could not give the attention necessary to big families meaning they could have handled ten by the content of twelve or they could have handled seven but I couldn't handle eight so parents who couldn't handle that amount of children but had them anyway for whatever cultural reasons that we're not gonna go into and then he would see the result of that in some kid walking around and would hey it could be else in knew who the kid was mean it could be knew the family because it wasn't you he lived in Jerusalem and a much smaller populated time here in Jerusalem he lived into his hundreds so he he got to he got to see Jerusalem mean he probably knew who the families were and saw that there was not enough attention to sprint yeah so we have endless capacity love people but we have a limited capacity of how much attention we can give also for parents who are conscientious which is obviously the best kind of parents conscientious parents if you're a conscientious personality then you're gonna really want to give everyone what they need which means no matter how many kids you need have you're going to keep spreading yourself thinner and thinner and thinner well that can take its toll in the overall parenting if someone loses if the mother loses her well-being over having been that conscientious about each child she could actually lose her well-being and then everybody loses he loses the wife the parents the kids lose the parents and it's a it's a real nasty situation so highly conscientious people any person has to be really careful how many children they have based on them being able to have the wherewithal to give to each one of them for all the 18 to 23 years of their being single you to be able to give to them so now for parents who are sometimes if her ad parents were afraid to use any child birth what do you call it birth control any child birth control in children it's funny we call birth control we get where the word child and for parents we don't wanna be too explicit so I'm gonna use it though this time just cuz they kidnap any any parent her ad parents who are afraid to use child birth control because you know they just feel it's you know forbidden and you should really have as many as you can and and that stuff so my advice to them cuz they're never gonna be able to live with themselves if they don't so my advice of them is to push themselves to the outer limit of perfect sanity meaning they're still in perfect sanity with six kids and then when they put their at the edge meaning they've hit the edge of being totally sane for all six kids when they've hit the edge of being perfectly same for all six kids have a seven go one step beyond past the comfort zone that way they throughout their lives will always be able to say to God we went all the way on this we went all the way we went one being one level beyond now obviously this is only with the help of their rabbi who feels like they're gonna be able to deal with this but anyone who can't do with it should definitely end at their limit but there are parents who could handle another it just would be a little much for them to go that far so if they're those conscientious her eighty types who are never gonna let never gonna forgive themselves if they don't push so they should go for that one extra kid obviously speaking to their rabbis first and go go one step beyond yeah back there yeah okay yeah yeah I'm sure especially after a couple beers so they were together they were gonna wait till after the marriage but they he changed his mind during the summer did she change her mind or he just changed his mind she's the one who changed her mind she's the predator there's no there's this is not a bad thing she's committed to this guy she's not this is not the case I was discussing before she's plenty and spending the rest of it she's planning on spending the rest of her life with this guy our story earlier he wasn't planning to spending the rest of his life with her but in 18 hours what she was manipulating him isn't that interesting she needed a cold shower yes throwing the river for cold baths that's interesting I'm not gonna comment on that one because I'm linked towards saying it's just the power of feminism but I don't want to you know it was her name Lilith by any chance okay let's go back to our the one who created our subject for the day yeah really have four more minutes here yeah schools yeah yeah did anyone here grow up Modern Orthodox in modern effects schools yet did they teach this and not really in your school and they found in their school I don't know I don't know what your question is exactly you're at are you asking do they do it no I'm just asking if your what your question is is your question do schools do it boy that would make life easier on their parents for sure but the meaning parents who are scared to death of this subject there are people listening to this right now we're online right now they talked to me they're totally scared to death to deal with this subject and they even get someone else to do it before the weddings they'll have someone else yeah the whole thing is anyway anyway what's happened over the last generations is is that it probably was influenced by the living amongst the Christian world that that observant Jews have taken a much more of a Christian ethic like like the her 80 Jewish community is taking a much more Christian ethic when it comes to sexuality there even though the her ad world is meant to be protecting from Gentile influence and they do a good job on some stuff but some stuff they've kind of done a lousy job and so like for example Ashkenazim of all people the the the the Sephardic Sephardic tradition is to the show huh narf includes all the ways not laws but ways that someone can be a sadiq in the bedroom like how do you you know how do you how do you how can you be a what is the very holiest you could possibly be generally what is the very holiest you could possibly be in the bedroom so the show klonoa written by revealeth caro who is party and he brought down how you can be the ultimate sadiq in the bedroom now the Roma or of Moshe is soulless who whenever there's a discrepancy amongst Ashkenazi types in at that point and he quotes the Talmud that says a man can do whatever he wants with his wife in the bedroom meaning what they can do whatever they want in the bed and the Rambam goes with that too and even gets quite explicit which is not gonna be on my live feed but it's you know and not only is he get explicit in the show Honora thorough more emotional solace gets very explicit and and so it's just right probably before Jews got like meaning the her ad movement got into like a more Christian way of looking at sexuality and it's just not Jewish at all the way it's looked at and the it was it really is not and they and it's it's but it but that's what's been adopted and you know min honggi sorrow Kaddish and that's the way people do it you know that's way it's spoken about today and you know if you're more of a howl we shown oriented Jew so then so then you would go with being much more open about it but in our generation we don't have a choice either you're going to be more liberal about sharing with your children about sexuality or you're going to be hurting them ultimately because if you if you fall behind the curve of their education or you're just one of these people refuses to discuss it so then in our generations wha you're gonna be in big trouble and you know one weird thing is this is totally weird but and I hate to say this but I'm gonna is that the more observant the children aren't meaning the more observant the home they're from the more sexually active they are in weird ways okay the more observant the home the more sexual act of the children so anyone watching this who's who's from one of those homes thinking that maybe because it's just such a taboo subject that maybe you can somehow squeeze under the radar and never have anything like that take place you should know there's a direct correlation of sexual acting out the more observant the community and and no one's exempt from this and and you can almost be sure that if it's not something that's discussed it will be something that will be acted out them so therefore my advice is to let very little information out by the way I'm you may think I'm liberal I'm not liver at all you just get you just push them a little beyond the edge of what they know and you become the source of their education when it comes to you become the one they talk to about this stuff right above the edge of what they know and you got to keep your finger on there what do they know and always be pushing right in front of that place right in front of that place leading them slowly with information and they should have no clue that you're holding anything back because if they feel you're keeping something back you're gonna lose the trust and then you lost everything the dynamic I'm sharing is you're always as if you're telling them really everything but later you can time release a little more detail over the years as they go I can just tell you on a personal note my daughters have said that it's been a little lonely to be in high school with me telling them before high school not to go so deep into all the you know the dramatic extremely highly soap-opera dramatic relationships that girls get into with each other at these you know all-girls schools and they said it's been a little lonely because all the girls are getting that parents are saying nothing so the kids are getting in all these relationships and it's so dramatic and they've said it's been a little only in high school for them but it's worth it that's my kids say it's worth girlfriends best friends boys have the same issue we had spoken about we memorized spoke about giving all your heart over to somebody oh I wound up on the predator thing sorry I was talking about best friends the BFFs best friends forever in high school get way deeper and and sadly physical as well way deeper in in communities where boys and girls learned separately they get they can get pushed they can push way too far on that as far as giving their hearts over also physically but giving their hearts over yeah that was what I was saying that that messes up their their that's something they have to work through later in marriage you know when all that like oh now I'm supposed to my heart to him I've already gave my heart to her you know my best friend and so and so that's why things have to be done in a balanced way in your relationships till marriage listen all of this is just band-aids for the last couple hundred years not even a hundred years the last hundred years when people start getting married to older ones people start getting married older now we have this class before people got married older there was no such thing as such a class let's give him a chance he never gotta go it's the same exact answer figure out what he knows take him on that long walk find out everything he knows and and keep his trust by letting them know that it's it's not you know that it's real whatever you know is like come validate his knowledge and then and then take them take them a little further to get the whole picture because right now it's just one big giant mysterious thing with pointed ears and fangs so make it friendly and in something that settles his curiosity yeah conscience conscientious and certain not so much you know because the majority of families that grow up they grow up you know majority of the time in school more so they're spending more time with their teacher than they are with their family when they're home they're not having dinner together they're eating at separate times not really spending much time together yeah yeah not being said kinda it's almost like you know the ones that are uncommon not conscientious like they just kind of expect the responsibility of teaching sexual stuff yeah to their teacher versus having a one-on-one with their yeah yeah it's a tradition that was supposed to be from parent to child yeah for sure um everybody I bless you that and that everything we spoke about is is for blessing in your lives and then and then somehow in this wild hemorrhaging young people's generation that is that we all of us can do our best to stave off the the you know this is torrential you know river of you know basically it's funny it's these are the partials of Asaph you know so this is this is a subspace of ultimate goal and he's doing an amazing job and what we are B'nai Israel and we stand for other stuff and please God we're going to be able to live in the balance between physical misc subject was sexuality between the physical and the spiritual may we all live with that balance I mean