No Offense

Thank you. Thank you, Shmaya. So, we graduated from how to think in a humble way and not to be tied up to me now. The truth is I want to circle back to that for a minute. I can't restrain myself. I want to circle back to that because there's an important thing to consider there that I want to mention that I didn't mention earlier. I was giving a share. I give a share to some very, very special people on Sunday nights. And let me tell you about share I came out with a certain clarity. I do share them with them as well. And the The thing is like this. In the realm of everything that we receive from God, so I would say like in our lives, like let's say 98% is what we got from God. Ourselves, our body, our families, our sustenance, our our our sense of humor, our friends, a lot, right? A lot that we got from God. And there's a piece though that is not in control of. Do I sound like I'm a heretic? There's a piece that is not in control of, right? Our behavior. Right? Who's in control of our behavior? We are. We are. God is not in control. Someone who says that controls 100% of the world is a heretic. Doesn't believe in behavior. Right? Because it says everything is in the hands of God. Everything is in the hands of God. With the exception of your behavior, which involves the whole behavior, that's not in the hands of God. Whose hands is that in? Our hands. My once told us that that's why on Friday, what's the share of Friday? God Malach. What's the literal translation of Hashem Malach? Hashem ruled. Hashem used to rule. Say Hashem Melech or Hashem Yimloch. What's Hashem Malach? So, he said because it's Friday is the day that man was created. And before man was created, Hashem ruled 100% of the world. But once man was created, Hashem gave some of that Malchus to man. Now we control some of the world. Which part of the world do you control? You control the Bechirah in your world. Wild, no? It's wild. Fact, I think I think it says in Sefarim that we give a tenth to Hakadosh Baruch Hu, right? We give a tenth to Hakadosh Baruch Hu. Hashem gives a tenth to us because 10 Ma'amaros Nivra Olam, and one of them is the creation of man. And that's in our control. Okay, it's not exact cuz even in man, 90% is in Hashem's control. But But the point that I want to make is like this. If you Let's say you decided um um Shmaya, you decided to um you decided to show up to Mussar. You had a choice, you know. You could have not made that choice. You decided to show up to Mussar. Bechirah, right? You had a choice. You made a choice. Good choice. Okay, now. Should you be proud of yourself that you made that choice? So, I mean, I guess if we're at a point in our lives that we're beating ourselves up and down on ourselves and not appreciating who we are, then we should be proud of ourselves. But if a person's healthy, Kaviyacha, if a person's healthy, okay? So, should you be Machzik Tovah La'atzmocha that you made that choice? Actually, it says in the Mishna, Al Tachzik Tovah La'atzmocha, her, Don't pat yourself on the back. Don't do that. Okay? How do you feel about that? What? So, you should be proud of yourself that you worked hard. Maybe it's cuz I got who gave you that ability. What? No, even if it's but so much of it came from I shall know. You wouldn't have the ability to do it. You would Okay, there's a small sliver of it that's you. But even on that sliver it says it's I want to point out that there's a relationship. I didn't want this out last time. There's a relationship cuz Jacob is really right. If you decided to come to muscle or you decide to go to the gym or whatever it is that you decide to do that you feel like for you that's what I shall want you to do. And that's your that's your positive hero. So, I feel why shouldn't I feel good about my choice? You made a choice to be here. Why shouldn't you feel good about it? The answer is it's not a question of why you should not feel good about it. The answer is that I could just probably focusing on it. I think the answer is like this. Let's imagine a healthy marriage. A good marriage, the marriage that we dream for. Okay? What's that marriage? So, imagine a husband and wife sit down on a quiet Friday night. They and they start schmoozing about their life. And husband says, "I'm really, really happy in this marriage because I do so much for you and I take care of you and I'm an amazing husband." And wife says, "And I'm so happy in this marriage also because I'm such an amazing wife and I do so much for you." Is that best case scenario that conversation? No. Best case scenario is that husband sits down Friday night and says, "I'm so happy in this marriage because of how much I get from you. You You take such good care of me. You love me so much. You're so good to me. And and um and wife says to husband, and I'm so happy in this marriage because I feel so taken care of by you and I feel protected by you and I feel embraced by you and so on, right? That's the best case scenario. So in our relationship with Hashem, the goal is the same thing. You did something for Hashem, you're here. It's not your job to be focusing on that. Your job is to focus on how Hashem gave you the strength and the family and the health and the friends and the rabbeim and the background that you're so grateful for. That's what you focus on. But what do you think Hashem is focusing on? Hashem is focusing on Israel is my muscle. So it's not when it says I'll tax the table Hashem, it's not that it's unimportant. When a husband sits down with the wife and he talks about how much the wife does for him, it's unimportant what he does for her? Of course it's important, but it's not the focus of his attention to inflate himself. The focus of his attention is the gratitude to the other one. So that's humility is that I have this relationship with Hashem. I know I do good things and Hashem is focusing on that, but I don't need to focus on that. I could focus on all the wonderful things Hashem does for me. I think that gives a little clarity to the subject. No? Okay. So now we transition to actions of humility. How we act humble. So echad. The echad who behaves with shiflus. >> [cough] >> The first step is to act in a humble way. How does a person act humble? Okay, we discussed it. If you act too humble, you're about gaiva. Don't be too humble. Right? People that are too humble doesn't smell What? >> Yeah, it could be that or worse. Yeah. It could be. Usually people with a lack of confidence just don't want to stand out at all. Not one way or the other. They just want to blend in. Okay? Not that there's anything wrong with blending in. It's interesting that I think that the most confident people and the most unconfident people don't want to don't want to stand out. The most unconfident people because they don't want to stand out and the most confident people because they absolutely don't need to. It's It's the the people on the sides are the ones that are like giving me to eat, you know? But anyway, acting humble expresses itself it's befitting that it is with the boy in his speech behalichi say in his walking and how he walks the shivtai and how he sits and in all of his movements. So let's talk about this. The diburai in the way a person speaks. Amru Zikaron Livracha The speaking of a person should always be gentle with people. Speak gently. The words of Chachamim or maybe words of Chochma Divrei Chachamim might mean words of Chochma, words that are Chacham. Well, the words of Chachamim Benachas Nishma'im they're heard when they're given over Benachas calmly. So Resha you Divrei of Divrei Kavod. A person has to speak in a way of honor. Veloi Derech Bizayon. Nobody grows when they're being spoken down to. Nobody grows when they're being spoken to in a derisive way. If somebody wants to give muscle to guys and he says you guys like what's wrong with you? I can't stand when people do this like this generation, you heard that? This generation the helpless, hopeless, messed up generation. Nobody finishes a speech like that and like wow, I'm so energized to grow. No, you just going to go and hide under a rock. It's not and when people are angry, you don't grow when people are talking angry. Even a parent or a rebbe that's giving muscle, you don't grow if their voice is raised, if they're using cynical, sarcastic language, you don't grow. You just want to hide. You're just protecting yourself. You could feel the barriers going up, no? You feel it. I always have this image in my head of like, you know, you you know, like this like You know, like in the movies when they like push the button and it's like the security gates start coming down, you know, it's like you know what I'm talking about? Like it's like You know, it's like You know, like the emergency crisis, you know, the alarm goes off and all the gates start shutting down and everyone's pulling out their weapons. That's what happens as soon as you scream at someone. Inside a all the barriers go. You can watch it happen sometimes. And then you can't get a word in edgewise. You're done. You're wasting your time. And we usually people that are screaming and that happens, you know how they react to that? They scream louder. It doesn't help. It's guyva. It's not If you're not speaking in a way that respects the person you're speaking to, you will not be successful. So someone who talks down to his friend has sorrow lay, he's missing heart. The omer the boy Russia when a Russia comes, but God bless, that's when in insults come as well. This is not just true with the Rebbe or parent. This is true with Javier into each other. Sometimes guys have a manner of speaking to each other that's a little bit subtly a put down. You know the type? It's like very subtle. Sometimes there are people you'll notice over your life that you'll have people that after you spend a bunch of time with them, you're just feeling rotten. You just don't feel good. Sometimes it happens in families, you know, like you spend time with that family member and after a while you're just like, "Where's the nearest roof? I'm ready to jump off." Like, "I'm done. I You know, there are people who have a way of talking that kind of like gently and subtly insinuate that they're better than you." You know what I mean? Like, you know, um I'll give you an example. Let's say I give little little little little examples. They're very subtle. It's it's hard to give good examples because you have to know the nuance of each one. Um I'll give you two Shabbos examples, okay? We spend Shabbos with our families. Okay, let's say you have two siblings. One of them wears a hat for benching and one of them does not. Right? All types in the family, right? So, one of the boys is, you know, comes from the Yeshiva place where they taught him and it's a very nice very special minig to wear a hat for benching to to honor benching. And one of them does not have that custom and he's not That's not what he worries up to. It's not what he's doing. Okay? Now, the one that wears a hat wants the one that doesn't wear a hat to pass him his hat. So, I say, uh David Mayer, could you pass me my hat? That's great, right? Nothing wrong with that. It's okay. What if I say something super nice? I say, "No offense, but could you pass me my hat?" You got the subtlety there? Like, "No, I didn't want I didn't want to offend you because you don't wear a hat." Be quiet. Keep your mouth shut. You feel the resentment building? You feel it? Don't hit me. Okay? You feel that? Or you're Or it's Or you're um Well, that's you know, let's say you're a guest at someone's house. So, um Friday night, you're going to sleep. And the person says, "Goodnight. Here's where we keep the coffee." That's very nice to do that, right? I'll show you where I keep the coffee. You know where I keep my coffee? Okay? Here's where we keep the coffee. But, what if I say Shmaya Chavez Chavez, I'm going to be out before you get up in the morning. So, let me show you where the coffee is. I'm so super nice. But, somehow you're just feeling pretty miserable at that minute. You don't even fully understand why. It makes you miserable because I'm being super nice to you. It's a very, very insidious thing. People do that sometimes. They have a way of There was once a person that I know that used to criticize me that I used to leave my front door unlocked. Okay, so every time he came into my house, he made a comment. Why? Okay, that's already a comment. But, he made a comment. But, the comment that he made was, "Wow, I'm so lucky to be visiting such a big baal bitachon." You see You You sense like a If I say, "You're putting me down." I'm putting you down? I'm calling you a baal bitachon. No, you're insulting me and you're not even giving me the ability to see it as an insult. That's even worse. That's a double insult. I would Look, we just got a new couch. Wow, I didn't know you were doing so well. What what? First of all, why are you like why is your brain going there? Why can't you just look at the couch and be like nice couch? Why can't you do that? Why does everything have to be a commentary on where I'm up to financially? Or this happens by the women more. You come into someone's house on Shabbos and it's a wreck. You're like wow, you have so much patience. You don't mind what's going on in your house. No, don't say that. That's No, you're Let me teach you etiquette. When you go into someone's house and it's flying, you make believe it's not. That's etiquette. If you could not judge, that would be helpful, too. Your kid starts acting up. I know I'm aging you a little, but you're going to get there. Your kid's acting up, you're going nuts, your friend's finally like wow, you deal with him so well. Like as if he's like, you know, your special needs child. Like no. Say we're we're having a conversation, let's keep having the conversation. There are ways and there are people that do this like in the dorm right now. There are guys that do it. Every 10 minutes. A little put down, a little put down, a little put down. Sometimes it's overt, obvious put downs. You don't need me for that. We don't need a mussar teacher for that. Okay? And you have to be careful. If you do it, stop. Because you're doing it because you're trying to make yourself feel good. You're doing it because it helps to push another person down, it boosts you up. Stop. That's not You're not going to boost yourself up that way. As we'll see when we continue to learn Mesillas Yesharim, that the exact opposite is true. If you could boost your friend, you're going to feel better. It's an incredible thing. Incredible thing. So it's Shabbos morning, I'm sure nobody here ever misses davening Shabbos morning, but let's say for example, you're in the dorm on Shabbos morning and you wake up and your friend is coming in with kiddush. Okay? You probably can't imagine it, but I'm just there, I'm doing it now. Okay, whatever. But But, okay, let's say such a thing happens. Imagine what happens if you say to him, "You're so good. You get up on time every time. I I wish I could do that." So, honestly, your friend's like, "If you want, I can try to wake you up." Okay, we'll talk about it. You're in bed, you miss davening. You're going to feel like a mensch. Because you complimented And And you'll be less embarrassed. If you make some kind of a snide comment, you're embarrassed enough that your friend's walking in with kiddush. You make it worse when you make a comment putting him down. Cuz then you're like, "I'm a lowlife and now I'm going to act like one." But, if you could say, "You're so good." You know, "I wish I could get up like that." Nothing bad is going to come from that. Don't be awkward about it, please. Nobody appreciates that. But, I mean it in an authentic way. Like, what's wrong with that? Just say something different. Say something authentic. Say something real. Say something respectful. You go home for Shabbos, give out compliments. Not ridiculous compliments. Not compliments that don't fit. Give out real compliments. I'm the type that I'll be like to my wife or my daughter, I'll be like, "Wow, are those shoes new?" And they'll be like, "Whatever, I got them 2 and 1/2 years ago." You know, like, "Well, well, they they look new." You know, okay, but it's still worth it. Still worth the compliment. It's worth giving a compliment. Give a compliment. Notice things. The dibur hay. Okay, let's stop let's stop here. We did the dibur hay. Let's uh let's be medaber some of you now.