Basi Legani 5726 #5: To Disconnect from Source Is the Ultimate Pain - Until I Realize... I Am Source

Morning. Good morning. Good morning everybody. Good morning again. >> Welcome everybody. Good morning. Thank you for coming. So we are up to the fifth sheer in the May busilani in this contest we're up to uh the bottom of Kafal [snorts] towards the end of chapter 4. >> We didn't finish the last few lines. It just summarizes the nakuda. And I want to thank the sponsors and benefactors who dedicated this series dedicated lemasnik [clears throat] and dedicated by David Phillip in honor of the reblim the world over to reveal the spark of hashem in every Jew and in the entire world. also dedicated in memory of Kana Bazdavid in honor of her yard site on the 14th day of Schmat and for a complete recovery for Binyamin Beyudis and Rifka Esther Fagga for a complete recovery for Binyam and Beyudis and also a complete recovery for Rifka Esther Fagga Bas Kana and thank you Hashem for all the blessings during this season should be a complete and speedy recovery also dedicated for the birthday of Schneamman Then today on the 26th day of Tavis, my son named after the alter for all the blessings. Amen. Thank you to all of the dedicators. Okay, so we're at the end mamish of that uh that chapter. Let's remember the the summary of the last point that we made was that even the deepest. The whole point of this mimer is that even the deepest reality of Hashem in his essence which by definition is inaccessible and non-relatable because you're talking about the true an this is the treasure that is given to the soldiers to the foot soldiers in order to win the final battle. Victory at all costs. Right? That was the whole intro. The foundation of the mime the treasure that's splurged. It seems like it's squandered. It's distributed without any calculations because usually this is never given. Not only it's not given, it's not even shown. It's not in shownen in the in the metaphor. It means not shown means it's somewhere somewhere hiding in in the metaphor. Not shown means it can't be shown. Remember in the metaphor it's it's not shown because nobody has access to it in in spiritually not shown means it's not sh to be shown. It's not something in the world of seeing. It's not something in the language in the world of Gil. This is the of the [clears throat] doesn't only manifest and transmit that which is light which the definition of light is that which can be revealed but because of the B of as we explained in the previous classes it channels and communicates what's called the atmus that's beyond but how does it communicate that not through a flow of revelation but rather in a completely different way. In a completely different way. So it's not that you should think it's not communicated, it's not given, it is given. And not only it's given, but this is actually what gives the resources to achieve the victory. That's why the king gives this because it's negated to the of the and in this case the victory in history of truth over falsehood of authenticity over inauthenticity but the way it's given is a completely in a different fashion not through a continuum like usually we're used to light where it transports the message in a way that it's revealed and that's the definition of light but here the big kadesh is it's communicated but in a way that is concealed or the language of the mimer not through makar but through or not through mak of but through mak of and on this came the whole explanation the last point that was made was that generally makif is associated with ratson that's a metaphor for mach ratan is the motor that motivates Anything a person does is inspired. It's fueled by rats. From opening your eyes and looking at something to listening to something to pursuing a career or engaging in anything you want to engage or walking somewhere if there's no rats to do it ultimately the person won't do it. Desire is the fuel of everything. Desire. So it comes from desire but the desire uses the particular faculty in order to be able to execute and achieve what it wants to achieve whether it's the eyes to achieve what the eyes can achieve whether it's the ears whether it's the nose whether it's the arms whether it's the legs whether it's the brain so it's the motor is ratson that's like behind it the motivator behind it and without rats the person is just not going to we know what happens when a person has no desire you can have all the faculties you can have all the talents you can have all the resources when there's no desire desire everything shuts off. You could do it. I know I could but the desire is not there. The desire is the underlying motivating factor. What's the desire? He calls natias means I want that the eye is gravitating to this. And then it needs to use the individual of that a in order to facilitate and actualize this particular thing. So the rot is like the which is on the but that's on the first level conscious and then we spoke about the the roten of all the this is already not conscious because this is not the roten that's born from the conscious eye from the consciousness of I this is the roten that precedes that huh >> where the eye comes from >> where the eye comes from yeah So consciously I I may not even feel it but not because it's not me because it's deeper than me. [laughter] Things you don't feel it's not because it's not you because it's deeper than you. Feeling is already a construct. It's a construct of consciousness. It's already a limited form of identity. The way identity fits in to a box. But identity comes from somewhere much deeper from a place we can't even call identity. Identity. >> Yeah. That's it's called inab >> before any definition and you have it ink in two types of mitzvah as we learned there's mitzvah most mitzvah that you access precisely through will through desire I want to do it and that's why I do it and in the deepest level of that it's an incredible form of fusion that I want to know what you want and I would Because I my desire is your desire. My desire is to be aligned with your desire. I don't have a deeper desire than that. All other desires are either a continuum of that desire or a denial or distraction of that desire which are superficial. My deepest desire is to be aligned with your desire. In other words, to channel your desire. That's the deepest form of a relationship in a conscious level which is what all mitzvah are about. of vitan from the word fusion betroal it says in kadush not just sanctified it's also madeshas through the mitzvah because that's what a relationship is a real deep connection relationship is our desires become fused they become one I want to know your desire and that's what he says is the of nishma and then there's something even deeper and that's the mitzvah of what's the mitzvah of mitzvah of shikh is if you want to do it you'll never be able to do it The moment you have a conscious desire, you just destroy the mitzvah. If you don't want to do it, now you can do it. So it's a funny thing. And then we learned in paid aim that for this the father who had he brought a carbon and he made the biggest and he said because I was absent minded what's have a bottle that you're out for lunch that you leave the farm and you don't know what's happening. What's the greatest be more responsible make a to-do list right? Have people remind you and be a mench. What what do you have a bottleneck so make the whole is because you're not conscious if you would have not been doing a million things you would be present what do they say be present and be focused you wouldn't have huh so yeah so from this after being a carbon I understand Hashem said if you forget he feels bad for the poor people it looks like it's just another ploy to get the poor people to have a little stucker fart there's a stucker that you give consciously there's something called leet there's something called pa leet is when you're harvesting the grain if two if if if few of them fall down that you know you don't get them in the sickle you have to give them to the poor man that's also you didn't m you don't you're not skilled so you don't know how to do it fine I understand but these things happen so it's almost a nice way of saying leave it for the poor people there's payers you leave the corner of the field there's true you have to give 2% to the you have to give 10% to this there's my you have to give 10% to the poor people this is all stuck what we call the taxes that go to even le it's not that you forgot It's you didn't manage to to uh you know hold a sickle exactly the way you hold it. So, so, so a a piece a stalk of grain fell out of your grip and it fell down while you were cutting it goes to the but is a funny thing, right? Have to forget. And if you say and then unless you have shortterm memory, [laughter] >> very good. If you have short-term memory, then it's >> [clears throat] >> Huh? >> Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. President Ronald Reagan when he got Alzheimer's, so he made a very dramatic declaration to the American nation. He had a good sense of humor. He said, "The only good thing about my illness is that I get to meet new people every day." That's what he said. Ronald Reagan. Yeah. So for you did it you forgot it happens everybody forgets you forgot a bundle in the field but for this he has to make a celebration for other mitzvah he didn't so this is a gill or maybe higher than this which he said and he's discussing here the difference of bias is bias that is rooted in it's not rooted in that rot. It's not because you have a bottle is rooted in. In other words, it's accessing the gilo of it's not accessing the roten of hashem that's more conscious and can therefore flow through my consciousness. I want and I want what you want. But this is much deeper. You're now channeling something that consciously you wouldn't be able to experience. Because what you would experience consciously would undermine that dimension of the relationship that that frequency of existence if I can use the word frequency. How does it come out in your system? I forgot. I wasn't there. I did not plan this. I would trust me I was not part of it. Thank God you weren't part of it. If you would have been part of it you would have ruined it. The ego would control it. This is something that there can't be any vestage of I because that would undermine the intensity the the rawness of the experience. >> Very good. [laughter] >> Of course. Very good. >> Very good. Thank you for the sanity. Yeah, cuz he was already using it for an excuse for every birthday and anniversary he was forgetting. Of course I forgot it. I'm connected to you on a level that consciousness can't even understand. Of course, I forgot it. >> You're ruining it. >> Huh? So, he's saying you have to see if a mitzvah comes out of it. >> So, that means if there's a bigger gift afterwards, if the tennis bracelet is even greater, then the shik was amazing there. Don't do it. [laughter] >> Says, okay. Yeah. But the truth is that that's what it means. that there's no such a thing I forgot. And the truth is it's in everything in life. Here it comes out in the mitzvah. There's no such a thing I forgot. I forgot. Yeah, that's true. I forgot. But there's always there's there's a there's a deeper issue behind the forgetfulness. >> I forgot. >> Yeah, I forgot. Yeah. It's It's not always very clear. It's not always very clear. But at sometimes the essence of the soul guiding us to places that if we would be aware of what's happening if we would have a GPS or ways it would ruin it we would never go there. We're not kalin for that the conscious self. So this is the gill of the other example he gave is alter gives example of that what that cannot come from usually every other career I want to be a kayen. Okay, I'm born a cayenne. Fine. I want to be a cayenne. I want to be a ley. I want to be whatever it is. I want to be on the contrary. We we praise the rats. You want to great go ahead and do it. The is the moment there's a rat for it. He's already it's not it's not the real NSI. He's good guy, but he's not a this type of leadership. The Garra says it's it's contrary. It's born in the absence of desire. Why? because you're forcing it on somebody. No, because true leadership is channeling the purity of if there's any vestage of I want you become a you become literally a a between and between and the people in the world says I stand between Hashem. Imagine a person says that I'm the one who stands. The only reason why Mosha could say this is because he knew that when he said there was no I'm standing I'm standing I'm standing between you and God. This is what he says. The only reason he could say that is because he knew what that was. He can also say in I'm going to give you rain. Really? I'm giving you rain. We say every day he was speaking this is he's not quoting is he said it on his he said it from himself this is all the first four quotes he he's just communicating what told him but is not and the whole till the end is mosh speaking so how can Moshe get up in sayat I'm going to give you rain. Really? You're going to give rain? So the answers eye was so uh was so nullified it was just a channel. So when he says I'm giving rain, it's Hashem giving rain. But he said I'm giving rain. He didn't say Hashem is giving rain. He does. No, that's not the of the of is that is how can that be? That's the B ofenu. Why is that? Because if there's any inas even a drop, it's it's already not this. It's fine. You want you want you want your power, you want your you want your influence, you want an impact. Fine. It's a we don't have a problem with that. People want power, people want influence, people want success. It's an amazing thing. But this of is going to be compromised. The great greatest joy for Misha is if Hashem would say, you know what, you're right. It's not for you this job. There's a letter from the BMP, you know, he said his to his students that he was told, I don't understand the story, but the BMP said that he was told by that because of a sin that he did, he's going to be punished. And what's the punishment? He has to reveal himself. I'm happy to have sinned. I don't know if it's not nice to say that, but thank God. [laughter] >> Yeah. I don't know exactly what that sin was, but >> you haven't sinned yet. Okay. [laughter] So, you understand? It was it was a punishment. What's the punish going to be revealed? Why is that a punishment? The whole world was is still benefiting from it. But for the BMP, he wasn't exaggerating. It was a punishment at some point tells Hashem, "Do me a favor. If you like me, kill me. Kill me if you like me. If you don't like me, don't kill me. Keep me alive." Right? Who says that? But but it's it's not a not it's not a joke. It's not a joke. The moment that's not the feeling, it's already not a it's fine. It's normal. Everybody has ego. It's not it's not an issue. We have no ters that somebody's not a we have no ters that he's not the he's not. But that's the ver that's that's that's the and it's a constant thing. It's a constant thing because the moment the moment it changes from that space. >> Yeah. But it's disqualified. So what's he doesn't want it. So it's not so if he doesn't want it well you're trying to punish him. Thehat is it's not that he it's not he it's deeper than his. It come of course he he wants it but it's not the eye that has any separation from Hashem. So I want doesn't work over there. Hashem wants. Of course I want. Which part of the eye? The eye that is completely one with. So of course you want. And that's nasa which is higher than how does it come out? It comes out in what I do. Not I want. You want. You want and I am nothing but you. That's the deepest fusion. So it can't come out in I want where there's you want. I want and I want our wills connect. That's beautiful. That's not here. It's the union of NASA versus Nishma higher than Nishma. So it's not that this Makave doesn't affect you. It affects you to the point that it is your essence and therefore everything else comes from it. The fact that I forgot is is is because of this it's it's accessing a higher it's a very very advas that's what we spoke about what means and that's the deepest destiny of a person's life the deepest dest and that's why this the says says it's interest they use the word I mean then the is a pious person you know somebody who was very pious he didn't have to bring a carbon but al takes that I don't want to say there was aki he wrote a called he was a big expert on taa most people don't learn taa they get through mishnas and gammor it's gone go at the back of the go you have the tepas it's not something that's most people learn but he wrote a whole whole set on tfta there was also a Jew uh from JTS Lieberman what was his Lieberman. So he wrote a called TFut. Yeah. He was uh gone. Interesting. He ended up in the conservative movement. He was nephew. What was he cousin or nephew? Kazan's nephew. Kazan's nephew. The leave. Interesting. Interesting man. Anyway, uh his whole he left to the Reb. It's interesting. He died in ' 83. I think as long as he was in the seminary in the JTS, there was concern Jerusalem. There were no uh there were no women rabbis there. He's he was an interesting he was alitvak when he ended up by the conservatives. An interesting man, huh? >> Yeah. Finkelstein, >> huh? >> It's a complicated story with him, but I'll call upon him. Why am I saying this? Ah, so [snorts] so somebody once said, you know what means it's a how do you say it? Uh, huh? >> Thrown away. >> Yeah. Throwing away somewhere far out. So, said, "No, no, no, no. The is [laughter] you're lost." I wanted to say found that probably three and a half people knew about and he turned it into a whole. So, this brought a card and said, "Everybody has to suffer because of it." Huh? >> He had a son who became a crazy communist, a crazy Russian communist in England. Interesting. I'll call upon him. So, so, so, so this is in the so the father tells his son all the So, what's the says because we were it's the privilege. It's the privilege that we channeled not Hashem's butt. And how do you channel that? I can't be there. I can't be there. If I'm there, I'm not channeling it. I'm channeling me. It's nice. I'm channeling what can come in through my vessels, through my consciousness, which is amazing. It's beautiful. But it's not that in the mak is only revealed in the absence of any gil. So this is leading to the ultimate nuda here that the deepest and this is this is uh it's it's not so easy to hear but it's transforms everything in life and that's why it's the ultimate it's a little bit of a preview where the M is coming to and that is that the deepest essence we have but where do we have it we have it not in the places where we feel connected You have it in that space where experientially I'm completely disconnected. I was like thrown off a cliff, so to speak. I'm on my own. You're not connected. You everything was severed in in connection there's there's there's beauty, there's there's hope, there's light, there's gishmach. Attachment is the is the is is is the name of the game of that's how the world goes around. That's what all love is and all confidence comes from. Attachment. Attachment. There's nothing as valuable as attachment. Veus attachment with yourself, attachment with your caregivers, attachment with your family, attachment with ultimately attachment with Hashem. And that's what is attachment. Light. Light is the glue that attaches. That's what light is. >> Huh? >> Yeah. The gravity. That is what light is. Light is the glue. What is glue? Glue is in in in Hebrew glue is called dev. It connects connects you and me. Even physically I could see you. I could look at you. You could look at me. That's a connector is the ultimate connector. On one level it's I could see you on a deeper level. The concept of is I could see you. I could see you. Not just see you with my eyes but see you, perceive you, experience you, even get angry at you. But I get but but I'm getting angry at you. There's a relationship. There's a connection. That's that's the of and that's why it's gill. It's all form of gill. What this mime is saying is that the is channeling something else. It's channeling something that you can't channel. You can't channel it. So how do you get it? If you can't channel it, how do you get it? So you're not channeling it. NO, I AM CHANNELING. YOU'RE NOT channeling it. I am. He keeps ON SAYING IT'S NEVER GOING TO BE BIGUS. I mean he keeps he says it's never going TO SO SO YOU'RE NOT channel you are channeling it but where you're channeling it you're channeling it in the space of complete separateness meaning in that space where you feel complete separateness here what is being manifested is you're actually embodying that which is inaccessible and the only way you can embody that and manifest that is not through flow and revelation because that's not something that could be revealed. So how does how does it come to you? It comes to you on one level where I'm completely separate where I feel completely separate, completely alone and yet that separateness and aloneeness what is it really a manifestation of really it's a manifestation of the dimension of that is completely inaccessible. >> You want to give it some words? >> No. >> [snorts] >> act is we react to something. Whatever it is, we react. That's clear physics. Something happened. So another way to sometimes react from some kind of inner force that >> we don't know about it. >> Something is we radiating that we cannot. >> We're radiating a force that is beyond anything that our mind and even desire can make sense of. >> Something like that. >> Yeah. That's >> And that's why the deepest destinies in life are created like the nasi it's created not through a conscious desire not because you're not good because it's it's too m the magnitude is bigger than that I wouldn't be able to handle it and if and and and just ruin it the ego would contaminate it even if it's not a bad ego it's a good ego I is not a bad ego Hashem made my eye ratson is Not a bad thing. Everything comes from rats. You need to have a desire in life. But you have to know when the rats need to go on a vacation. That's nasa. Like he said, nishma is I want I want to know what you want. You know why? Because I want what you want. NASA is I don't have to know what you want. Just tell me what to do. It's very different. Not because I'm ash because I'm a complete channel. I don't. Nishma is talk to me. Tell me. Give me your vision. Give me your vision on paper. Email it to me. I'm in. I like you. I'm your partner. I love you. I'm with you. Nasa is you don't don't tell me what you want. Just tell me what to do. It's a different bit. It's called is a to the not to the I don't have to know what you want. You know why? Because if I start knowing what you want, it's already gonna So in life, there's things we plan, we want, we desire, we go for it. And then there's things if you would have asked me years ago is this me nothing to do with me. Things that you don't want. Let's we're calling it. You did not come to this because of any plan. Nothing. What we call it random fate. Everything was a mistake. Another mistake. Another mistake. Today they call it trauma. If you would have been normal, YOU WOULD HAVE NEVER GONE HERE. Thank God you weren't normal. That's the That's the That's why it's the most healing. That's why this is the most healing element because this is what everybody's struggling with. >> Of course. >> Of course. That's what you realize. >> Yeah. You say I got here only because of this dysfunction, that dysfunction, this issue that it's true. In other words, I was absent- minded. I was crazy. I was over whatever. I WAS SHUT DOWN. I was not conscious. I did not know what I was doing. I was blindfolded. Of course. Thank God. >> Now celebrate. That's very sensitive. It's very sensitive. You can't tell this to other people. Unless unless he could tell it to other people because you have to say it's you can't just say this to people. You understand? It's very it's very sensitive. But it's the truth. >> And there's no gift like this gift. There's no gift like this gift because this liberates everything. This liberates all the pain. This heals all the pain. You're only doing the cover because >> very >> you need to tune into something that you know it's like in a way you you outline a journey for yourself. >> Exactly. >> And there is >> a curveball >> and there's a journey that you can walk on. >> Exactly. There's a journey that you outline and then there's the journey that was outlined for you. And now you can look at it in two ways. I'm a victim or it's a journey that I also outlined for me. But it's the eye that is rooted in the ultimate eye which if I would have known that I would have never gone there because I don't know who I am because the eye that I know about is defined by my knowledge. I don't know if I could say it any more clearer. >> You understand? We all know ourselves. I have these these resources. This is my story. Your this is your story. These are the circumstances. And it's normal and you should make your plan based on that. Right? There's a guy who is an amazing skill in this area and there's a guy who's an amazing and that's how we live life and we should live life. There's your vul and everybody has different everybody has different circumstance. Everybody has different situations and and we're supposed to do that supposed to use your mind and your heart and your resources to figure things out and that's and and in the deepest level it's really to fulfill Hashem's planishma. But then there's those in Yanim that if I figure it out I could never figure them out. They have to happen in a moment of unconsciousness. That's really what shik is. Shikh is a metaphor for being unconscious, physically or emotionally unconscious. Let's face it, decisions that we made with our marriage, with our children, with our upbringing, with our careers, we did it in unconsciousness. What do I mean unconsciousness? Uncon mean could be I was brilliant. It could be I got advice from great people, but I was still unconscious. Huh? >> Most most irrational. >> Yeah. And usually they're irrational. You thought they were rational. You thought they were brilliant. And then now here we are. And now I have a choice. One choice is to say, "Yeah, I'm so I could ask and I should ask I could do I could try to fix some things." As you know, not everything you could fix at least on one level on one dimension. >> That's the point. When we're sleeping, it's not that your soul is dead. It's your consciousness is not feeling. It's not channeling. That's it. Soul is not dead when we're asleep. There's things that are revealed in sleep. It's the people felt in the whole one of the it was answers that he got in his sleep. He would write Shilus and he used to get answers and he has to say for >> yeah 1200s 1100s 1200s there by the way there was an answer he was given and they gave wrote in the 1100s it's printed it's a special day nobody knew what the 1200s nothing happened >> you should all write >> it's interesting you can look it up I have the safe in my house it's one of That's what they they when they answered him if they said by the way it's a special day stop you understand you know you look we look at every event right they informed he was put in prison it happens to be they let him out in the 1100s how did anybody know who knew that [panting] Russia wasn't even a country yet [laughter] forget Forget about anything else. >> I'm saying we look at it cuz we see it everything mat. We don't see it from the source. [laughter] >> It was called Russia. I think it was it was just developing that. >> Yes. Yes. Yes. And see you understand what I'm saying. So it's not that my consciousness my I was unconscious really it looks like I was unconscious because I was stupid. I was forgetful. That's the word shik is a metaphor. That's what is using here. I was forgetful. I was unconscious. >> I wasn't in control. >> Completely not in control. Or maybe worse, I thought I was in control. And therefore, I was making such narrow narrow decisions. Right? That's what Mai was telling Esther. Esther, let's understand this. This is not something you and I ever planned for when Esther was growing up. Right? validictorian of or shalam I don't want to discriminate against any demographic here where do you send your girls huh okay of spring valley nobody said this Esther the queen of she's going to Iran and she's going to marry the king of Iran you understand that's not the trajectory so where is this coming from Esther so said let's realize this This is a moment of ma. This is a moment where you need to surrender. Not just not just surrender your ego. It's surrendering everything. Surrendering even your divinity, even your mitzvah, even your plan of what God wants. That's what you're surrendering. You're not just surrendering your ego, your selfishness, your narcissism. That's also very deep. That's the first level. That's nishma. But nas I'm surrendering even the need to figure it any to figure it out. That's hard. I you don't have to figure it out. You could show up just NASA tell what do I what do I do right now? Not because I'm not alive because I'm fully alive. And when you're in that space it's different. Then you're a channel for everything. >> Yeah. You give up your God. Yeah. You give up Hashem. You give up your God for Hashem. You give up God for Hashem. Yeah. And people will tell you, "You're giving up God." Yeah, I am. I'm giving up your God for Hashem. [laughter] >> I think it's a a shift from in order for us to survive. We always feel like we have to go to the light. Go to the light. [snorts] Right now, you're in the dark. If you get to the light, figure it out, understand the answers, you find even in the dark. >> Yeah. What you're saying over here is like there's answers in the darkness also being in the darkness wherever you are. >> Yeah. >> Maybe you shouldn't maybe you shouldn't be running sometimes. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. It's true. It's it's it's being in the darkness. Hashem is it's also Hashem. And not only it's also Hashem, what we're learning here is that the reason it's dark is because you're actually channeling something that is higher than Gil. It can't come as revelation. If it comes as conscious revelation, oh, thank you for the revelation. It's only the huh the cats so to speak. How do I own that? Remember God can do anything. He could reveal a like he's not the one the whole of is you have to remember is it's a relationship. It's a real relationship. So of course Hashem could reveal I don't know how I don't have to figure out. He's not the God never learned mathematics. So he's not bound by mathematics. He created it. He didn't learn it. [laughter] And a creator is not bound by creation. [snorts] One of the things you have to surrender is mathematics. [laughter] Not surrender it. Elevate it back to you don't have to surrender anything. Just elevated back to not be bound by anything. We don't have to be bound by things. That's what freedom is. This is really the ultimate freedom. But the relationship how do I own the laad? It's a state means it's atmos that's completely beyond accessibility. So how do so so I don't own it. I can own things that God has himself to this little little trickle of energy. What can this cup own? Whatever could fit this cup that itself even gil how much gilly do we get? A tiny little trickle of something. And now you want the the laas [snorts] and the answer to that is in this mime that this is not something that I own in my light. It's something that I own in my darkness. In other words, in the moment where I'm separate, so I naturally, what you're saying is I want to run to the light, but sometimes that's not what I need to do. Sometimes I need to be able to stay right here in this moment in this position because this reality, Hashem is not only here in many ways, what's being communicated, I love the word communicated. And the laenets is communicated not through communication. It's communicated through the sessation of all communication. What does that feel like? Complete darkness. Black hole. >> The black hole. Complete darkness. There's no communication. There's no like give me tell me something. Tell me. I don't have what to tell you. Oh, so you hate me. I don't hate you. So tell me something. I don't have what to tell you. So you hate me. You're abandoning me. Me. I know it feels that way, but I'm not. So, so what is it? You have you you have to answer that. Me, you have to answer it. No, you and what happens? And then at some point when you let everything go, you realize you are me. You are me. You're waiting for communication from a source. You are the source. You are the source. But I cannot tell that to you. Because if I tell you you're the source, it's me telling you. It's me giving you another shar. It's me giving you another lesson. And then you'll never become who you are. Because you know who you are. You're me. Yeah. But this you can't do intellectually. You can only do this experientially. And the moment a person can experience this, that's the treasure that changes gulus into gula. That's the treasure. There's no communication. I hope not. >> It's not shalom a curse that people should be in darkness. That's not devart. The vart of ghoul is not that people should be in darkness. God forbid. That's not devart. Like, oh, let's celebrate darkness. Amazing. Like, we're detached. It's great. And I'm so detached. Amazing. My life is FALLING APART. LET'S THROW A PARTY. SHIKHA, I forgot everything. I'm scenile. I'm dumb. I made every mistake in my life. Let's go bring carbon bonus. Yeah, that could become an orgy of insanity. That's not the vert. >> It means that the word abandonment does not exist. And those moments that I'm experiencing abandonment are literally the foundation for opening my cracking open the last vestage of ego and experiencing the full fusion and intimacy with atmospherates everything you went through and everything you're going through and the world and how it happens rationally I can't answer because this is not something that happens in the world of even regular rats is not alih even regular rats it's deeper than it creates the but here we're talking about has nothing to say here not because we're dumb but because recognizes its limits it's it's not going to understand any of this is a creation postum so when you're trying to grasp reality with it's like it's like trying it's like [snorts] I'm going to climb to Mount Everest with my bike a bike is a beautiful thing go on khaki park with a hike. You understand? I'm I'm going to climb to the moon. I'm going to climb to the moon. I climb you climb the Himalayas. You You climb khaki at park. You're going to climb Himalayas. Then you'll climb to the moon. Your legs are beautiful tools, but there's no relationship there. Then when people try to figure out reality with literally like trying to climb to the moon with their legs, we have nothing against your legs. Your legs are bruised. Run the marathon and hike and exercise and walk and run. But it's a it's a league that you need. You need a spaceship. You can't even have a plane or a helicopter. You can have a beautiful helicopter to go over Manhattan, but it's not taking you to the moon. >> We have to understand >> we have to try to understand because is a gift. It's a tool. But I'm saying it's a it's a beautiful gift. It's a divine gift. >> Allows us to understand this. >> Yeah. >> Without we wouldn't even understand this. This itself is the gift of Yeah. is part of The most liberating thing we can do for our is tell our you can let go you can relax and say wow you know is tortured when we turn it into a god that's what the scientists did in our generation already a little earlier they took se like is a beautiful thing it's like don't turn me into anything else like let me be what I am when we take se we turn it into a god we torture it because it like you know when you when you when you think you're somebody you're not supposed to be you know and and and you how you torture yourself because you have to be that person. It's one of the most painful things in the world. You know when people thinks they have a talent that they don't have, but their whole life they're trying. Like anybody relates to this? It's a horrible thing. You're like an impostor at your core. You come home every night depressed, drunk, you're completely insane. This is a true about a lot of lives, right? I'm constantly fitting into something. Deep down I know I'm not, but I have to for whatever reason. Guilt, shame, love of family, tradition. This is who I think I am. This is whatever it is. It's the ultimate imposttor. And it's not even your fault because you're doing it out of craziness. You know the pain of that? I don't It's one of the worst pains in the world because it's like an internal pain. You can't get rid of it, right? The the the gift of authenticity is is is the greatest gift. Authenticity for yourself. [snorts] So that's why when these dimensions, any level of self that we bring into the picture is going to limit it. It's it's going to so limit it. Even even say even ruts even though they're good beautiful things but you have to know where it stops. And when you could let that go you're you're open you're open to everything when I could stop calling concealment concealment and dark and evil then you're open to my which which is coming out dk in those moments. Very good. >> You have good hearing. You heard what he said. He didn't hear what he said. >> Or he has good hearing. Why do we have to say it in the negative? Maybe he just has extra good hearing. >> Basically, don't say anything private if in the room. That's the point. [laughter] He was saying, say, say again what you said. It's powerful. >> Yeah, >> that's really what it is. The amount of confidence that Hashem has in us is is is manifested in the lad. >> It's like almost I'm not fathering you anymore. I'm not mentoring you anymore. I'm actually I just threw you off the cliff. So either you really hate me which is the way we perceive life and that's why we we are all struggling in our generation post Holocaust with relationship with Hashem because we have all the proofs in the world that we were thrown off the cliff and everybody in their own life and that's what so many people are dealing with. We have not healed our relationship with God because yeah either you really hate me you really really hate me and I have proof for it. I mean, look, everybody has a list, a list. And you could say, "Yeah, but God lets you breathe. You let me breathe." Yeah. There was a woman I know. She used to say, "My best." [laughter] And she had a good point, too. You said, "My husband makes me sick and then he sends me to the best doctors. Don't make me sick and don't send me the best doctors. You throw me into mit and then you take me out and then you say make us say there every year to thank me. Who asked you to throw me into mits and then make makas makers and let me stay home. I don't need your makers. I don't need frogs and lice. Right? We have to we have to appreciate there's a genuine genuine genuine uh feeling here. This is what a whole generation is dealing with. Let's face it. And it's very hard. I I know I know for myself I know for myself it's it's deep stuff of a child doesn't feel that safety you cannot look at your father and mother you know I sometimes get emails when you know there's always malam is of a and ben right a father and a son father and a child a mother and people say you know these these metaphors are so painful to me because it assumes that a father loves a child and protects a child and has compassion well you had to know my father you know what am I supposed to tell them their whole modeling their experience of the father or the mother is so damaged that it's actually causing more pain. It's like so such a callous metaphor like why why are you telling me about such a father for me such a a father like it's almost like you're proving that God is a father and we all know what a father is. He says exactly we know what a father is. It's horrible and you can't just dismiss these experiences. you know your father is the only exception in the universe but emotionally like right so that's a very very deep this is this is the I want you to understand experientially how subtle and and and profound and nuanced this is and also how deeply penetrating it is why the is saying this mime that it's this at the end of gulus because at the end of such a long gulus there's every excuse in the world to say you really hate me don't you Right. >> Yeah. There's so much pain. So much pain. It's not just pain of right now. It's accumulative pain. You think you don't have the pain of your father and your za and your el what epigenetics. We inherited their amuna. We also inherited their pain. We inherited their ms. We also inherited their anguish. We think not. We didn't inherit anything. Most of us to live in a generation of prosperity. Thank God at least till now. But uh but uh but how much how much pain inheritance is there in everybody's genes, in everybody's cells, in everybody's stories. It didn't do anything to anybody. So you know, you could say amuna amuna amuna amuna and that's beautiful and it's also true and people have amuna, but does it bypass my experience? And that's why it's so hard to embody Judaism because amuna if it's done with bypassing is not going to be registered by your nervous system. It's going to be a statement we believe despite everything which is true. Jews believe there but for your nervous system to experience it you're going to have to work that through and that's what people are afraid of and it makes sense. So we think the word amuna will do the job and it does an amazing thing. But with the struggle that's happening literally at this is are we ready to go into the nervous system to the body to the gof because that's the only place where the relationship can be really really healed like in a marriage the husband can have amuna that his wife means well and the wife can have amuna that her husband means well. And it's it's true. They're not lying. They really believe it on some level and that's why they stay married and they're faithful to each other and it's a it's a madrega. It's a madrega that a wife should have a muna that her husband means well and that the husband should have a muna that his wife means well but the bottom line is when she walks into the room and he's triggered. OMG you all your amuna goes into the Hudson River. It's good. It may be good enough that he doesn't betray and she doesn't betray. But to say that there's a sim, that there's fusion, there's tyog, there's no tenuk. We show up, we show up like soldiers. >> We show up like soldiers. The word soldier is a beautiful word, but it also denotes the fact that I am not really part of the equation. I'm just a soldier. It's a beautiful thing. You're showing up to war, right? So, so this this this is why this is at the core of everything because if I look at life and I say you threw me off a cliff or at least it felt like you threw me off a cliff. So, it's one of two things. Either you hate me. I'm explaining your words. I'm trying to explain your words. Either you hate me and I could bring proof to that. Or what? What's the alternative? What's the alternative? Oh, I love you so much. So I wanted you should break both legs like what's [laughter] the alternative? Huh? >> Huh? >> So so so I I I I I I'm hesitant to say the other side because it could sound callous. you know it's then but that's the experience we all need to reach and I'm not going to say we need to reach because it's not another guilt job like you need to right it's it's the experience that our soul is looking to to to go to >> think we need to get past the first >> so what is it really so I think on at least one dimension the way it registers in my soul at at certain points at least is that in that moment when I'm completely alone alone and literally no strings attached. Pun intended. No strings attached. Really really alone in a place where experientially >> you have no answers. >> There's no answers. There's no and there's there's a sense of abandonment and the pain that it caused. And it's real. It's real because that's my experience. It's not so negative. It's real in the ultimate scheme, but in my nervous system it's real. We're talking about everybody has a body and a nervous system. If I just disregard that, it's fine. But then it's not a relationship. You understand? You want me to be a robot, I can be a robot, God. But if you want a relationship with me, I am here. I am here for whatever I am. I'm a small person. But I'm a person. And we we're learning the whole of this is that I want a relationship with you. With you, with you, with your nephas, with your nervous system, with your gulf, with your mitas. And there there is that deep deep sense of aloneeness, of abandonment, of brokenness. And I have no answer. I have not. [clears throat] Oh, I'll bring out that. Really? Really? [screaming] Now I'm going TO GET A BILLION DOLLARS IN MY BANK. >> HUH? Nothing wrong. I hope you have a billion dollars in your bank. A bank. [snorts] But then there's something else. It's almost something that it's a secret. You can't even say it. And that's the of the M. In other words, if you say it, you're not saying it. So really, it's something that can't be communicated. That's the whole ver could be communicated. Gets can't be communicated. She can't even say it. But since the said is something we have to say or we want to say really. So it's that deepest deepest secretive experience that you are source. [snorts] Not just you matter. You are everything. You're waiting for the communication. I'm waiting for my savior. I'm waiting for my tati. And and there is a dimension that's real. And that's why we need Yeah, we are waiting for a tati. Yeah, we need a tati. We need a mommy. We need deep relationships. Yes, very important. But then there's that spot where it all failed. Either you hate me or somehow it's only that moment where I truly become who I am. And who am I? I am source. You are the secret. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you are the secret. You are the secret you're waiting for. Or to put it differently, the disconnect is not a disconnect. The disconnect is showing that your connection is so deep that you don't need connection to be connected because the connection is embedded in your essence. The connection is so deep that in your separateness, you're as connected and maybe even more connected. Because when you're connected through connection, it's a connection that is defined by connection. You're connected because you're connected. In your disconnection, you are connected because it's it's your essence. And there's nothing more powerful than that moment. >> And I have nothing else to say. >> Huh? >> Yeah. Verizon when Verizon towers collapsed yesterday, the crisis that it created in so many homes is, you know, Tati is not here. Verizon left. What do we do? There's no phones for a couple hours. We actually have to talk to each other by dinner. Imagine, right? The crisis of people being what happened with Corona, right? I remember the new experience. I used to travel a lot, much more than I do today. Corona, I was forced to stay home a whole year. I was like, "Oh, wow. This is so interesting. Who am I at home? You go here. Yes, I'm here him. I'm a celebrity here. Standing ovation at home. Nobody's giving you a standing ovation. It's like take out the garbage and you know stop talking. >> I was once giving uh I was once giving a lot of zooms then in the middle of corona. So I was in my office and I had all the technology and uh I was talking and it was an evening with teenagers asking questions. Okay. in middle I hear somebody in the kitchen laughing but not stop and it was my daughter and I never heard her laugh so loud laughing laughing I was I mean it sound like exciting so when there was a little break or whatever I went out to see she heard from her room and she was came down to tell my wife ma you will not believe what's happening Tati is giving advice to teenagers how to live what in the world does he [laughter] know about teenagers she's laughing it was like the funniest comedy any moment in the world you know so that's the gift of home right the gift of home is there's no hikus no gloves things are authentic so Verizon closes down people have to discover themselves so it exists on so many different levels so this is where communication failed and now the only thing you have left is you that's all you have left and who are you really and That's the moment you discover who you are really. And who are you really >> that you have to discover? If I tell it to you, it's not going to be you. So that's that remains a secret. Doesn't remain a secret because I don't want to tell it to you. It remains a secret because if it's being told, it's another form of communication. >> It's not trusting. That's what it mean. This comes from the ultimate trust. And it's not something you can explain. Is it worth it? Is it not worth? I don't No, I I don't know if it's worth it. I don't know. I'm not God. I didn't make these I didn't set this up. I don't know if it's worth it. In other words, if I'm looking at it like a stock market, is it worth it? I don't know. It's But apparently, the moment you experience what Hashem is in the deepest place, you know it's worth it. This is this is if he did it this way, it's it's the way it's the this is the best. Why? I I don't have the explanations. I don't even want to have the explanations because even if I could give you cute explanations, it's not going to be the emis. It's just going to be the way my made it mathematically nice or not. What you understand what I'm saying? That's the I told you I always say from right the said there's levels in a relationship as fast. He said this is something you can't understand. You don't need to understand. You don't even want to understand. It's three different levels. First of all, you can't understand it. So what are you trying to? You're forcing a square. You're forcing a a circle into a square. Force it. You can't unless you destroy the circle. It's not a sciph anymore. Number two, you don't even need to understand it. In other words, understanding doesn't even get you anywhere. It's not like it's not going to help. IF I UNDERSTAND THIS, OKAY, ALL THE pain is beautiful. It's not going to help you. You don't need to. And the real thing is you don't even want to you don't even want to understand it. You know why? Because it's just it's it's a distraction of the relationship. It's just distracting you. It's like a a text message in the middle of a like send me a text message. Well, stop it. It's huh. You don't want to dumb it down. You stop. You're contaminating something too sacred. It's not in that frequency. very painful to that place of bliss. >> Yeah, this doesn't take away the pain. >> But in that moment somehow all the pain is also liberated. >> It's not we we we have to be very sensitive with this topic because you're talking about you're talking about the the crux the crux of abandonment. It's not it's not simple. And I'll tell you, it's very a lot of people for many of us to face this place is facing the abyss and we don't want to go there. That's why we'd rather just say you have a muna and you're good. >> Huh? >> Show me the light. >> Show me the light or take me. Don't show me the darkness. And and I understand it. I understand it. We have to have compassion for that. There's people who make fun of my classes, you know. Yeah, even but here basil, you know, you it's like like right away like why why do it's almost like >> just learn the lang >> learn the mimer like he's you you found here the word darkness where do you find the word darkness where you found the word abyss somebody was thrown off a cliff doesn't say anybody was thrown off a cliff it says it's not be gilloy so just say it's not be gilloy you understand it's not be gilloy >> [laughter] >> No one's complaining. >> But but but but my point is we all need a lot of compassion because it's it's not an easy place to go to. And the way was revealed was in language that's more abstract because so that everybody can apply it in an infinite way because if the language would be very if there would be a muscle for everything in the psychological world it would also minimize it. You understand? I could only share when I'm teaching the way I'm experiencing it. But when you're talking about a scythe there's so many other dimensions and explanations and they're all true like there's so many ways it plays itself out. No instructions. >> Yeah, it's it's when you say migilloy la migilloy and then it could be it could be come like the sun. It could come out in in billions of rays and all the rays are true but it's important for it to come out to come out to be experienced. >> Yeah. Yeah. That's why there's no 100 malam for everything. Sometimes there's malam but it's more it remains atmas. So now everybody could but but it must be relatable. If it's not relatable, you're missing the whole he's talking about an that's given at the end of galus because everything is at stake like that. That's very serious stuff like if it's just intellectual what's the how what is this just another intellectual mathematical brilliant spiritual exercise about a madrega in fine it's it's certainly better than learning about other things. I mean it's it's learning good stuff and on on some level of it certainly affects but there's revolutionary stuff going on here. Okay. So now I didn't expect such a long summary. [laughter] That's part of shika, right? didn't expect it. >> I forgot. I forgot. The truth is I forgot. >> But sometimes it's good to forget. Right. That's what we're learning. Sometimes the greatest gift is to be a little absent- minded and to forget. Yeah. That's true. Huh. For my own nervous system was important. >> Yeah. For everybody. No, but that's what was saying that this represents how much confidence Hashem has in us. Not as a cliche. They all have confidence in you here. Go get lost. Go figure it out. I'm not giving you anything for my yusha. Go make your own money. I have confidence in you. That's not what we're talking about. Like as an excuse, you know, excuse for abandonment. This is confidence of a different magnitude. Confidence. Confidence in two ways. Confidence that I can give you everything. I don't have to give you 50%. I can give you 100%. That's that's big. and you're not going to abuse it at the end of the day. In other words, it's going to really bring to the MS to the relationship and confidence that you're going to discover it in yourself. Both things of confidence. It's it's confidence in God being so vulnerable. It's the most greatest vulnerability to give my den. If Hashem would say, you know, there's a little part of me that's not going to be in this relationship, we're fine. Everybody is safe. It's like in marriage, you know, it's going to be I have my closet, you know, with a lock. Nobody knows what's happening there. You know, I have my phone. My wife can't look over there. Everybody, you carve out your little private space over there. You're not going to be able to hurt me. You can hurt and hurt and everybody can run away. People like to do that. It makes sense. You don't want to be all in. As you said, you don't want to be all in. So, it's very vulnerable to be all in because to be allin means it's like uh >> all in. all in. That means I'm vulnerable. I'm really vulnerable and I'm vulnerable based on you, not based on me because it's a relationship. That's serious stuff. That itself, if you can experience this with Hashem, that itself is already what does it mean that the a has that level of vulnerability with me. We don't we don't understand what I don't understand what I just said. But if there's even a glimmer of experience of this vulnerability, it causes that's why in all of my speaks about people think who what I like my life I'm not going anywhere I'm not expiring sorry I'm not and it's not but he speaks about it in such a real way like constantly and this GOING TO BRING TO THEN YOU HAVE TO remember don't do you understand the reason YOU SHOULDN'T DIE DING is that's the only reason people shouldn't die during ding. IF NOT FOR YOU GOT TO be aug to come back. You got to be aug you should completely be out of here because you have to have after the thank you. Okay. I'm not going to die by between and as the goes here and they say no no no no no I'm not going to expire. But the truth is that's that's the lack of embodiment. Complete lack of embodiment. Everything is another idea. Another idea the moment your nervous system experiences the vulnerability of in putting everything into this relationship is actually not such a high mad. >> Yeah. Exactly. [snorts] >> I don't want it. >> Yeah. You don't want it. you would choose there. >> Yeah. >> But >> he chose it and he knew that that's the ultimate and the fact that he doesn't want it doesn't mean that it's forced on him. It means that he's channeling something deeper even deeper than is not neesh. >> It's not that he doesn't want it. It's like He's okay with his >> Yeah. Yeah. >> Fully surrender. >> Fully surrendered. Fully surrendered. That's what really is >> for that you were created. >> Yeah. For that you were created. For that you were created. Is your desire and is Hashem's purpose is your natural chemistry. Of course you're an everybody's. We just don't know that we're a we decided that we're animals and we like pizza and we like money and we like cover and we like biz. We like this car, that car, that car. Shine. Nobody knows themselves anymore. The says, "Let me just tell you who you are. Let me tell you who you are. I know who you are after your hundreds layers of of everything. I'll tell you who you are. You ain't everything else is a joke. Sha joke. It's torturous. It's it's it's it's lifeless. Yeah, you have to you have it and we deal with it and it's part of us and sometimes it gets the better of us. But he wasn't a spoiled from it because he knew the MS. >> Do we want perfect house, perfect wife, perfect kids, perfect? >> We don't want any of this. We don't want any of this. Our trauma wants us. We don't want any of this. The moment you feel for a second you never shell a kiss, you know it's you understand what I'm saying. Or it's a little weird. I know it's weird. Yeah. [laughter] >> It's weird. It's weird. I know it's true. I know. We want money and we want our wife to and our children and we're in a nice house. Yeah. I also do. Yeah. We want the bank statement to have a very nice amount under on the bottom. Not minus but plus. Yeah, we all want that. And we want Verizon towers not to go down [laughter] so we're not off our phones. Right. Somebody once said, "What's taking away somebody's phone?" [laughter] You could see it. one of the even by it's it's a death penalty to take away somebody's phone. Yeah. So the BMP said once we learned it actually in Bosilagani one of the years said that it's a miracle that he stays alive after davining. He said it's a miracle and he said it about himself. By the way, when people don't have egos, they could talk about themselves very freely. You know that Mosha could write, right? If somebody else would write it, by the way, you know, I'm the humblest person who ever existed and more than anybody in the world. You say just the guy that the fact that he's not embarrassed to write that he needs help whether he's humble or not. But is [laughter] a diagnosis I can give on him. humble or not but the bump says I stayed alive after doning is a great nest it's the greatest miracle because he wasn't talking about himself he was describing what a real relationship is the tenug is so profound that vulnerability of a wanting me and putting everything in it's it's it's beyond awesome and in fact there's a whole the chapter in Tanya that's based on the whole series of from four chapters are based on this this meditation. This is the words of what that actually feels like in your nervous system. If you could feel even for a second, for a millisecond, for a split second, what the love of infinity towards you ex me feels like the challenge is I cannot feel that if I don't go through my blockages and the blockages are very very thick. But if we don't work through the blockages, we can never feel that. So that's one of the a's confidence in us. Second Auda is not only his vulnerability but that I'm going to find it because it's not being communicated. So to really believe that from all the darkness I'm going to find it because it's in me and I don't need communication. Think about how much confidence that is. We can't we don't even have a with our kids when they get lost for a few days. We're already about to have a breakdown. We're going to every professional in the world because we don't really have that confidence. You know sometimes parents become so anxious about their children and I don't mean this in a negative sense because it's very normal and it looks like they love their children so much and they do they don't have confidence in their children. It's important to love your children and it's also important to respect your children to have confidence in your children and a good parent knows that they gave their children not only but also not only and if you gave your children they have something inside of them that they're never going to be able to lose because it's them and that's what you need to be able to have confidence in. It doesn't mean that there's no pain and there's no there's no upheavalss and there's no things we have to do etc. of course, but I'm just using this mime as a metaphor for that, too. And they're going to be able to find that only in their separation, only in their darkness. And who knows if so many of the children in our generation are not going on this journey to be able it's all with shik. I know it's it's done with crazy forgetfulness, but it's really to teach us what this looks like. Because when they re reclaim their souls, it's not coming because of another Musa speech or from other comm was not coming from communication. It's not because I said this and I said that and I gave it's something much deeper and sometimes you can only discover that depth in what looks like separation but that's how you find the la which is the hsmi which is the deepest atm that doesn't come out in giloy and for people to be able to embrace this from a place of grace and humility and surrender is an incredible incredible experience and for those who are listening to this. Those who sit here already know know this probably. But for those who are listening or watching, I want to say that if you're not feeling any of this in your nervous system and in your body, it makes a lot a lot of sense because we have been disassociated. And so many of us have been so disassociated that we don't know we're disassociated because our intellects have compensated for experience. I knew that's how I grew up. I grew up that the intellect compensated for experience. And because some of us learned well and our intellects worked, so the compensation worked. Didn't really work, but it worked. And a whole generation was molded that way. A whole generation. And you don't know what you don't know. It's not like it's not nobody's fault. You don't know what you don't know. Like I understand it. And Gishmak and it's Gishmak. And the word gishmach is the fictional word that we use to substitute experience. It's a gishmak. It's a gishmakimemer. It's a gishmakan. It's a gishmak of art. It's Gishmak. It is Gishmak. It's takishmak. And you can argue about it. It's all a substitute for experience. And people don't know what they don't know. And then when they come to the words experiences like a hashem, which is experiential. Yeah. Aasm is a hashem. Like yeah, a hashem like probably knew what a hashem is because I don't. >> And the whole the whole and when Mashiah comes, what's going to happen? I don't know. But there's going to be a revelation. We're gonna have a hashem. Maybe you have to create that now. No, [laughter] I'm just saying that this this takes a lot. This is all about inner work. This is nothing about learning. This is not learning is just a mitzvah. This is completely inner work. [snorts] Yeah. >> I'm saying the word gishmach. The word gishm. No, I love the word gishmach. We love the word gishmak is gishmak is gishmach everything is gishmach h no question but there's two levels of gishmach this gishmach it's gishmach it's entertaining it's inspiring it's enthusiastic uh it's a gishmakashir I have a good vert it's it's nice I want to say over something to somebody but then there's gishmach inside our inside our internal >> internal integrated system >> in it's called and that's the I said from the I looked it up that said that his father said you looked it up you told me yeah what's the took an oath that is saying it. Somehow he heard how do we know it doesn't say but maybe that's the whole just the words and he took an oath so he will not appear he will not be experienced he will not be >> unpleased he won't be experienced he won't be revealed to a mascul mascul in the word of kabad means somebody who understands and learns a lot of for A muscul is a real thing. It's not a fake thing. In other words, without integration. Integration into what? Integration not into my brain. So I could give another muscle. Integration means into my animal soul. That means into my experience, into my nervous system, into my reactions, into my instincts, into my relationships with myself and others, into the most mundane parts of me begins with he said writes. So what's means your emotions from here into your emotions that's that's where begins doesn't begin only in New Zealand also in New Zealand of but sometimes New Zealand is easier to transform than our emotions >> huh and then deeper the says so with your is sometimes the hardest And in many ways it's the last frontier. Like sometimes you know you go to the end of the world. It's amazing. It's incredible. You know you see what was accomplished. You know the whole vision of and then sometimes the last frontier is right here. This is sometimes the hardest. It's the hardest because you see that for that already there's no resistance. There used to be resistance. Now there's no more resistance to go anywhere in the world. There used to be a resistance and mockery and cynicism. Not anymore. >> Say it was a web James web telescope. >> Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. >> First. >> Yeah. The web telescope. Your mama see the genesis of everything. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. >> But inside >> But inside you see the resistance. Really? The mimer is talking what about my marriage, my relationship with my kids, my anxiety, my anger, my jealousy, [laughter] my discontent. What are you contaminating? Bringing it down to people's. So you see there's such resistance. Why? Obviously that's [laughter] >> huh? Feeling. Yeah. fear, whatever it is. Yeah. You don't know what you don't know. That's the key. I always learned that. You I I've learned that recently. You don't know what you don't know. It's much deeper than it sounds like cuz you really don't know what you don't know. >> You know that you don't know. Or >> when you know that you don't know, you know much. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? But when what we don't know that we don't know, we really don't know. It's not like I know that I don't know. But it's I know that I don't know. In 40 years, I'll know it. Okay, great. You're humble. You're waiting 40 years. I don't know that I don't know. All is good. >> But that's what I need. Yeah. And and and when and and and and the greatest gift is when you start knowing how much you don't know. Like, oh wow. Oh, wow. I didn't even realize. Because the way that the kipa gets away with it is by disassociating from the fact that I'm disassociated. The fact that I'm disassociating, I could feel it and I could feel the pain. That is a very deep connection. You know, taking a marriage, if you could feel you're disconnected to your wife, to your kids, to and you could talk about it. That's an amazing connection. I'm feeling disconnected. I'm just feeling disconnected. The real danger is not feeling disconnected. It's disassociated from your disassociation. I just don't even go there. I don't of course I'm connected. I'm a good guy. I pay the bills. I'm nice. I'm civil. I don't holler. I don't break dishes. I don't hurt anybody. I'm not violent. I'm actually a nice guy. I'm not dis I'm a good guy. I dive in three min I dive in three tis a day. I have a I'm not disassociated. I'm so disassociated >> that I don't know because it's it's all pain because the disassociation is too deep to experience it. So I don't know it the beginning of all all he all growth is the experience of disassociation. But how do I do it if my entire life I needed to protect my disassociation from being felt because it's too painful? The only thing worse than being thrown off a cliff is when you tell yourself I was not thrown off a cliff. I'm actually in the house. I'm being embraced. What's worse than detachment is that my detachment is called attachment. It's hard. It's hard. It's it's seeing a lot of pain. I mean it's also hard also people there's also you have to understand this also. I don't want to open up a whole new pondura box, but uh >> but if we really want to talk about the truth is the fourth commandment of you know it's for Juda I don't have to tell you how valuable that was for the Jewish people is what kept families together and tradition and all that but like every beautiful thing in the world it also comes with a deep challenge a deep price to be able to look at these parts you have to be able to see shortcomings of father and mother who simply did the best they can with the tools they had but often really really really did not know what attachment is because they did not know what attachment is and to be able to look at that and it's not easy because people want to so hold on to the myth of having a special father and a special mother who was there for them somebody once somebody I know very well said to me wow he said he was c huh >> they can still be special >> they're still special and we but to to contain that paradox is very hard for us. It's like almost if I see that flaw, I'm going to lose my father. And no, it's not. It's almost recognizing this is all part of it. When you really start owning your own life, you can recognize your father with his concerns. When I'm always when I'm still a child, desperately needing my mother's validation, my father, I can't do that because if they are not if they're any less than perfect, then >> I'm still judging them. >> Yeah. I it's a very high level when you could really take ownership of yourself and you could really honor them for who they really are and not cover up things that they weren't and they couldn't be >> younger and they're not perfect and it's in >> Exactly. If my mother and father did not know what they were doing when I was four years old, that means I am in a very dangerous world. The only ones guarding my life are my father and mother when I'm three years old, four years old and sometimes even when I'm 50 years old. Some of our so the moment I lose that what world and that's my den and that's the moment where you need to almost detach. You need to it's called breaking your contract with your mother and father and giving yourself the right of passageway. It's a very deep thing. This is not simple. Some of us are still with an umbilical an emotional umbilical cord either in love or angry or both. And uh as a result of that people are not growing into themselves. They're simply not growing into themselves. And it's very generational and there's good reasons because we distort. It's hard stuff. Somebody told me that they were crying at their father's funeral uncontrollably and they didn't really have a deep relationship with their father. So like they were what were they crying about? It took him years to understand. He wasn't crying for the father who died then. He was crying for the father he never had. That's what he was crying for. He was crying for the father he never had. But when his father was alive, he had a father. All he wanted to tell himself is I have a father. And he did. His father meant well. His father was a nice person. I knew his father. He meant well. It's not like he wasn't a villain, but he didn't really have a father. He didn't have a father. And the truth is his father didn't have a father, you know. But when his father died, he couldn't lie anymore. So his subconscious was really crying. He wanted to tell himself so much that he had a father. So he sobbed and sobbed and then he realized that it was just covering over for the fact that he never had a father. And that's what he was really crying about. But he couldn't say that to himself. That's a lot of grief over there. There's a lot. We have to have a lot of compassion for everybody, for the father and for him, you know. But I think until we don't face these dimensions of existence, we can't even have a real relationship with our parents. We put them on a pedestal. They are not who they really are. We are not who we really are. And we're both entangled and imshed in some form of love. And this doesn't take away from the fact that your father and mother may be the only people in the world who will take a bullet for you. That may be true. That your mother and father might be the only people in the world who will take a bullet for you. And we have to remember that. We have to remember that. Maybe not. But maybe I know not every father and mother will do that. But certainly many of our fathers and mothers I think sitting in this room at least many of our fathers and mothers I know my mother [laughter] would take a bullet for me and I'm sure many of your mothers my father's so but uh but it doesn't take away from the fact they would take a bullet for you and go on a serious neesh that's true it's even true in you know we have it in the nature that's how God made it and it's a very special thing because there may not be any other person who will take a bullet for you and you have to know that just like you would do it for your children. That's true. >> But nonetheless, and that's why it's so subtle because this is not about delegitimization of a person and just saying, you know, like whatever just disqualifying people, but it is recognizing the fact that we are all very very human with very serious limitations. >> That if a person expects anything from his parent except except gratitude towards them for being their parents, it just He never grew up. He still >> But it's hard. It's hard. It's hard. Yeah. >> I know. Somebody told me >> somebody told me my whole life I was looking to get validation for my mother who never saw me. So I became a pretzel. I I he completely uh re re he re uh he reclaimed an identity. Like you imagine putting on a mask after another mask after another mask hoping that his mother will finally see him. And to a certain degree she did because she very much appreciated his masks. And then at the end of the day when he realized that she could still not see him, she cannot see him for who he really really is. You know the pain of that. Your whole life you're trying to adopt so that your mother or somebody else should see you and say, "Wow, wow, wow, wow." And that's his sense of validation. But his mother can. Nobody saw her. Nobody saw her ever. Nobody saw her. You I I tell you you will never be able to see your children for real if you never saw yourself. And if ne nobody ever saw you, how in the world are you supposed to see yourself? This is something this is this is the this is the gift that comes from parent to child. And if you never could see yourself and nobody ever saw you, you can see other people. It's not because you're bad. You simply don't go into that dimension. I don't see you. I see your your talents. I see where you can give me nas. I see where you can maybe help me and the world feel good and bring Msiah closer, which is all beautiful things, but you can't see me. >> Why can't you just tell him grow up? [snorts] >> I'm trying to tell your nervous system just grow up, you idiot. It doesn't work. Telling telling things to our nervous system is futile. [laughter] I tried my whole life. It doesn't work. At least for me. If it works for you, fine. I'm like a you're an intellectual. Maybe you think you you >> you still think you're an intellectual. >> Maybe let go of the mathematics and let go of all this. [snorts] [laughter] >> Everybody has their little of a des right. Everybody has their little des but life will crack life cracks us all open. What a gift. You know I asked some somebody was telling me that he's experiencing tremendous love of Hashem. He did a lot of work. He comes a lot to the sh. He experienced a lot of love of hashem. So I asked him so he told me that he told this to his child and his child said what you went through so much pain. He went through a lot of pain. He went through a lot of pain in his life. How could you love this god who you believe is responsible for everything even if he didn't do it directly but you know it's his world right? And he certainly could have stopped it. However you want to believe is this level that level. If you're following the boss is like radical like the leaf that turned over it's exactly what God wanted. Then if I lost my phone, it's exactly what God wanted, right? You know what I mean? That's like the BMP. You forgot something, it's exactly what God wanted on everything. But even if you want to, you know, take the the lesser shittus when when before the BMP was trying to heal the whole world and bring us into intimacy with Hashem, still how could you? And he said something very very powerful. And he said, this is what I learned. If I if I believe that [sighs and gasps] if I believe that my ego being comfortable is good, that's a good thing, then I should really not like Hashem. If I believe that the purpose of life is what I always believed, my ego is feeling good about itself. I have nas. My kids love me. My wife loves me. Life loves me. Everything is good. I'm a successful person. I'm doing well. I'm on top of the world. Things are going well. But financially, emotionally, socially, then I should really hate the one who actually disrupted everything. But when I discovered that I did discover that actually the most blissful experience in life is the destruction of my ego. literally my ego cracking open to go into a full place of surrender and ble then everything in my life that caused my ego to be destroyed is something I'm grateful for. That's what he said. And surrender is not an act of weakness. I surrender. That's not surrender. That's weakness. Surrender is not like, "Ah, do whatever you want with me. I'm a schmat. I have nothing. Just kill me. I'm dead. Let's call the kadisha already." That's not surrender. That's victimhood, which is rooted in arrogance. I'm such a victim. Everybody look what a victim I am and call the kadesha for me and write about in the newspapers what a victim I was. That's not surrender. >> It's actually the greatest for the ego. >> Exactly. We all remember that person who did horrible things when he was alive and then he shot himself and he wrote a note. Yeah. That he's going to call them to the best in Shila for what they did for him. His last act his last act was you know he had to what a sick whatever. But my point is that sometimes the ego comes camouflaged the surrender. Well, now we're talking about real surrender is what's real surrender? Real surrender is the ultimate strength. It's giving up on the separateness. It's giving up on the need to control what life looks like, which is a convoluted relationship with reality, which is torturous. It's literally going into that's what it is. It's it's the greatest moment of self. It's the greatest moment of self- liberation. The moment is the ultimate. Now you're in touch WITH EVERYTHING. NOW, NOW you can live. Now you could breathe. No self-consciousness. Not even self-consciousness of figuring out what God wants. I'm good. Ah, you could breathe. Okay, we should just finish the paragraph. No, let's finish the paragraph. Another five minutes. Tomorrow there's going to be a Shir. Tomorrow's Friday, right? >> Tomorrow there'll be a 8:00 8 a.m. So tomorrow we'll because it was [laughter] I fell behind a little today. So tomorrow will make up. I just want to finish the last paragraph here like seven lines from the bottom. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 lines. Relatively speaking, are connected to mitzvah. bias is connected to the garra says the house protects the person protects him from cold from rain and also protects the garments you put everything in your house even your clothes that means the bias protects even the so the explains that protects even the mitzvah the difference of mitzvah and is mitzvah is like the example for the first thing you're like an eit and you're doing what hashem wants Real is you're just a channel for Hashem's words. Means I'm doing what you want to do. So there's some form of separation even though there's such deep connection. Its ultimate reality is I'm not the doing what the melik wants. I am the mel. That's what real is. Real limit is God is speaking through me. That's the real BL of that's what real is not I am I think I understand my ego it's the opposite the ultimate suspension of ego is in real even more than mitzvah that's why not connected because in I can flex my muscles more I could be the god that's that's a that's the clipper real of is the ultimate bism you're a channel hashem is speaking he's using my mouth I'm a mouthpiece for god the harist that's the so that's that's like that's beyond the ego so it protects even the mitzvah all this is to tell us one see this is basically what we just said in this whole don't think it's not mak if it's not connected to you it's connected to you it affects you it affects you in shik you forgot everything because of it but it's not revealed if you look at it I don't know what you're talking about I just forgot I just fell asleep that's not an impact stay up no you can't stay UP NOT BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT being impacted you're being impacted IN A PLACE THAT'S DEEPER than consciousness you hear the ver this is it is it just this is it with he didn't give a 100 m. But but this is what he just said. You're not going to feel the revelation. That's not what impact means here. There's impact. I gave you something and you feel it. You got it. You catch THE BALL. I THREW a ball. You caught it. Here you didn't throw a ball. Not because you didn't get the ball because you can't get it from giving it from from receiving it through revelation. Just like it's when it comes to ideas. It's not like what we said after 40 years you're going to understand what your said that even before 40 years you feel that there's something above that you didn't get you know that there's a there's more there's more there's more that's not this there you're feeling that there's something I need I have to wait 40 years I need experience of life but I'm going to get there but even before I get there I know I'm searching for something you feel that I I I heard this I heard what he said but there's so much more and I know that I don't know I know that I don't know. That's knowing that you don't know. That's already that's not is literally he says these words. He doesn't see. He doesn't even feel that there's something that he didn't get. I don't know that. I don't know. There's knowing. I don't know. I don't see it. I don't even feel it. It just is. >> So, so I don't know about it. So, so you don't know. You're disconnected. He says, "No, no, no. It's also but not in a way that you can have any tangible connection here." So, how is it mashia? You don't know that you don't know. So, where's the If you know that you don't know, you're searching, you're looking, you're developing, you're evolving, you're asking, you're you're thirsting, you're crying. I understand. And 40 years later, you h of it hut of it. 40 years, you nailed, you got it. But here, it's not that. It's not. It's not Mak which is which is also Mak is also above but it's like it's like close. It's close to you here. It's nonetheless you say it's pile just like we're not saying you forgot because you didn't care. Actually Hashem was channeling through you a much deeper rut. So it affected you. The ni is not a leader. He just doesn't want. So he's not interested. So it's not connect it's connected to him in a way that's deeper than his conscious desire. So here you see all an example how works it's po but not from here on the next of the is so how does the impact look like what does it look like and how does it manifest itself that's going to be the next the next part of the mime and from here he goes over to the and the in many ways this of the is very very till now it's here. He goes in to what we would call more and the mag which is the source of what they call it's like it's very different. It's not all the you know the mades and the bamb and the mag was a different style. The bash even more than the mag the mag was more was more ideas the bamb was mamish like more stories and here he brings it all together. So that's the the next time he goes to the because he already I told you bust the gun he goes through all the so now he's going to go to the bash and the mag and take two titus of the bash and the mag which seemed like you know classic bash of titus you know inspiring holy the bump you know you could feel you could feel the love of the bos it's one of those titis of the bump they all define they all have that same you know bump feeling and the shows what's the of what the bump is saying It's uh very unique. Okay. Hashem will come. I'm happy we're continuing tomorrow because [panting] I I shouldn't say this. We still have to connect the strings. Even though we spoke about not connecting the strings, but we still have to connect the strings. Everybody have a beautiful and inspiring day. We'll see you tomorrow. It's >> not taking insurance. >> I should take insurance for what? >> Insurance therapy. >> Oh. Okay, you should start giving maybe. [laughter] If you could take it in. If you could take it in. >> You mean therapy for me or therapy for you? >> Both. [laughter] >> I don't know. I speak for myself. >> I'm saying should I pay you or you should pay me? >> Really? >> How will is ready to jump into the save. I mean, take a bullet. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> Just because of one of how able to deal with the situation. >> Wow. Interesting. That's what the Kinesh says. >> Interesting. >> No. She say the kazinish.