How Can I Experience a Blissful Yom Kippur? Addressing "Fresh Start" Participants

welcome everybody it's a tremendous SC to host this webinar it's always a SC to host webinar this time it's a little uh extra special it's the Y we have we're also joined by uh um friends supporters and alumni a fresh start so it's a broader crowd this time um so it's it's a tremendous list to host this during the young and hopefully get some inspiration some physic and some perhaps there I say even some Joy entering uh entering um thank you re y why for indulging us again it never gets old and my honor thank you appreciate uh for you joining us so as we usually do um I'm gonna open it up to you perhaps to start with a little D some words of inspiration relating to Y Kipper getting us in the mode and then I know uh questions if anybody wants to ask a Live question please just raise your hand you want to text us a question you can text it to me on the in the uh in the zoom chat and we could ask it on your behalf um but I'm sure it'll be a lively discussion and with that being said every y why take it away okay thank you thank you ran thank you to the entire Fresh Start Community thank you uh to Tova thank you to all of the organizers and all of the staff and everybody involved and and of course the biggest thank you goes to all of you attendees the alumni of Fresh Start those who are presently connected to Fresh Start who have been at some point in your journey thank you for gracing us with your presence here this evening and thank you for being part of uh such a powerful and and meaningful community of support and healing and repair and correction I'm just going to share something for a few short brief moments about yam Kipper and this time of the year that I think could be meaningful it's meaningful to me I hope it be meaningful to you and then as said earlier we'll open the floor to questions which is probably the most important part of the session and I would also encourage that nobody you don't have to hold back no taboos you could bring up whatever is on your heart and on your mind even if you think I'm going to become uncomfortable don't worry about it you could share whatever you want and if I can uh bring some clarity with God's grace I shall try it's not a secret especially to many of you who are here with us this evening that this time of the year is very charged it's very loaded and it could become extremely difficult for people I've heard for many over the years both in correspondence by your email or conversations or calls in which people really feel tremendous amount of pressure guilt shame blame and even profound negativity especially towards the time like El or sh the days of repentance Ander and there's a real simple reason for it it's not so complicated when a person inherently does not like themselves if I feel at my core that I am evil or I am worthless or I am meaningless or I don't I'm not deserving or I am so full of Shame and if anybody really sees me and anybody would really see my Core Essence they would never look at me again they would never talk to me again and heaven knows how many of us suffer from this consciously and even more unconsciously I may live my entire life coping and functioning and maybe even successful in the community in my Society but deep down so many of us struggle with this profound void and as I'm telling you many of us are not even aware of it it's a gift when you're aware of how much you're suffering because then you can begin to deal with it and confront with but so many of us have feelings of inadequacy that are so profound that they constitute the very template of our existence this may be caused by abandonment this may be caused by other messages outright messages implicit or explicit by neglect by abuse by traumas by developmental trauma even if at the time it looked benign and even if we are ourselves are not aware of everything that happened and all the consequences but the result is that deep down I don't like myself I really don't like I don't respect myself I may even hate myself and loath myself I may always be hypervigilant to make sure that I behave because if I don't behave you know my true colors will come out and I will become Persona nrata in society and I want to say something very very important to myself and all of us when we experience life through that lens yum Kipper this time of the year is the worst time because what is yam Kipper all about fixing repairing cleansing forgiving atonement if my default mode is I'm guilty I'm dark I'm bad I'm evil I'm negative I'm toxic I'm poisonous I hate me for sure God hates me the whole world hates me there's nobody even to love and even if it's not so dramatic but it could be much more subtle deep down there's so much shame so this time of the year only elicit so much more sh it's like now I have to dedicate a whole month to focus on my guilt on my sins on my mistakes on my failures and then the prayers enforce that and then you know we say God is a compassionate father and he forgives but those words themselves oh he forgives who does he forgive he forgives the evil me so it only tells me once again how horrible I am and the anxiety that this creates the dread the fear the negativity even if we cope and we come to sh and we already learned how to go through the routine but deep inside there's a lot of pain around this year around this time of the year I say this all completely without a even an iota of judgment but when we can acknowledge these struggles when we can acknowledge what is going on we begin the Journey of awareness of Enlightenment of healing of transformation there's another way of learning about Yer and experiencing Y and Rana and the days of repentance and the entire month of Ella and I'm not here trying to talk to your brains as a philosopher speaking to philosophers because the trauma doesn't sit in the world of philosophy it sits in our nervous system it sits in the cells of our body it sits in our bones it sits in our back in our stomach in our heart in our torso in our neck it sits in US physically it sits in our somatic lives in our somatic bodies and experiences so words and ideas they may be fluffy and interesting and even nice and even true but they don't extricate they won't expel they won't eradicate the monsters the Demons of anxiety sadness Melancholy shame that sit deep inside of Me Maybe from the youngest of Ages what I want to suggest to all of us is that we acknowledge this limitation and we appreciate the fact that yeah we all need healing and when we can go on a journey of much deeper self-love and self-acceptance in a real way y Yumer will be completely transformed your will be transformed self-love here is not narcissistic it's the opposite of narcissism it's really appreciating that at the core of your being you are not just good you're not just fine your light is blinding and overwhelming it's not just you know you're fine you're not the worst person who ever lived it's much more than that it's that you are indispensable you are an indispensable note to the cosmic Divine Symphony it's that you individually manifest God's light in an absolutely unique way I have to tell you an epiphany I had I was praying on chabas a little while ago and shabas is a beautiful prayer it's called nishas and literally it means the soul of every living being Praises Hashem Praises God but explains the word bless is not just a blessing the real word bra represents in Hebrew means to draw down to access in Hebrew a is a pool it access is water from the spring from The Source in in mishas we have something called term if you if you bend the vine if you bend the vine for example you have a vine tree and you want it to grow in more than one location so you take one of the branches of the vine and you bend it and you bring it into the Earth so that a new sapling can emerge from the earth so is the word means it's a way of accessing which is really what a blessing is blessing somebody is really helping them access their water their their Fountain of inspiration of success from their source to help them access it because oh it's there in the source it's like you have money in your bank account but you don't have a slip to be able to take out the money you don't have the code or the number to be the card to take out the money the money is there but you have no way of accessing it so I understood the words to mean as follows the soul of every living being manifests and accesses the name the energy of God in a unique way in other words the way you manifest hashem's energy is different than anybody else in the world because it's your soul which is yours and it's your body which is yours so it's really respecting that there is a Divine flow cruising and vibrating and pulsating through your system and that must be honored that must be loved in fact I would say the Mitzvah to love Hashem is the foundation of the Mitzvah to love yourself because the real self what is the self that I love who's the self what what my nose looks like today it's my tie I mean it's nice to like my tie I like my tie my shirt I mean yeah you should like your shirt you like my yamaka my white yamaka in honor of Y Kipper the St pushka my brother crafted it with his own hands he went to a tree he cuts down trees and he takes the wood and he uh and he crafts it so these are all beautiful things beautiful things to cherish but what's real self Lov real self L is the love of God because the self is your soul your Consciousness Your vitality which a manifestation of Every Soul every living creature accesses and manifests a flow of light that is Uniquely Yours and that's why individuation is so crucial so vital that's why you need to respect yourself I find and I think it's true somebody a mentor of mine also told us to me that one of the great plagues of our generation is people don't know how to respect themselves I'm not talking about in a superficial egotistical way I respect myself and I have to argue with anybody I can't apologize real respect is not a contradiction to vulnerability it's actually vulnerable it's really honoring who you are what you represent knowing the energy and being in touch with it this is difficult when I can get closer and closer to that El the days of repentance it's really a gift it's a gift of opening up wounds wounds it's a gift of vulnerability of looking at everything it's a gift of attachment it's a gift of a new relationship it's a gift where God says I'm not afraid of you and me looking together at everything we can scrutinize we can put things under an x-ray we can make take an MRI of the Soul we can really go there we could spend time with ourselves we can spend time with noticing our thoughts noticing how our thoughts May hijack our soul not noticing what is happening in our heart what's happening with our emotions consciously focusing on the inner spiritual core that constitutes your being and my being and our being and that is why when we can graduate or at least emerge on some level from experiencing R and yer the days of judgment the days of awe through the lens of wounded trauma but rather experience it from a place of real inner core self respect and dignity my uh hunch is and prediction is that'll be a very very different day it's actually a day in which you say wow this is very special this is such a gift the sages and the greatest rabbis and the greatest sadim and the mystics they saw Yer as a wow wow wow wow what an amazing they didn't want to end they didn't want to end there was a story it's a beautiful beautiful story you know the and I'm going to conclude with this and we'll open with questions the used to teach t a song a new song every year for many many years one Year 1961 on Sim Torah the taught a most beautiful heart stirring Melody on the words that we say in in the PE in after daving many communities say it and it literally means I will sing Sweet Melodies and I will weave Together songs because to you my soul Pines and Longs my soul craves to dwell in The Shadow of Your Hands to intimately connect to all your Intimate Secrets and the rabit taught the song I'll sing it and then I'll tell you the story that he shared about this song it's a Yer story [Music] Nam be for she him [Music] ke that [Music] such a beautiful song I could sing this for a long time ah so the re shared a story before he sung the song before he taught the song and the story was that it says in it says in Jewish law that the day after yipper it's good to wake up extra early and go pray the morning service early so Jews who follow this law woke up the day after yipper early in the morning they Rose and they went to sh very early to go pray they come into sh and on the beima they see a to behold there's a Jew and the Jew is still dressed in the Yum Kipper attire this Jew is wearing his capot his coat his GLE his his his uh his Talis his K the white the white coat we wear in y his Talis he also has his G his belt and he's on the be with closed dies in a state of ecstasy and what is he singing you could join me [Music] and the Reb said that this Jew after Yer he simply did not want it to end the glow the spirituality the attachment the intimacy the Oneness he experienced with God during the elaw he did not want it to slip away and therefore he remained in the Yum Kipper modality throughout the night singing the song and when they came early early in the morning at dawn break this Jew was still there sitting and singing this song What was the what's the point of this what is this trying to tell us this is trying to tell us that when we Mo we move away we're not we're not trauma victims at our core I know we feel like we are but we're not at your core you're a song you're a song of God you're the light of God nobody told that to you when you were a child you didn't feel it many of us did not have the caregivers caretakers to be able to teach us what emotional atunement is you know when that child is in the arms of its mother or father and their eyes connect and clinch with each other and they look at each other and there's a place of safety and serenity and it tells the child in a deep place you're wanted you're loved your value is absolute and non-negotiable and it's infinite and then when we grow up we can build a life based on that Foundation when that Foundation is gone we look for substitutes to compensate for that foundation so I need validation I need everybody to compliment me I need a lot of money I need certain looks I need to be skinny I can't be skinny I eat too little I eat too much I binge I develop addictions I become confrontational I go into a mode of fight or flight or for or freeze I become a people's pleaser I become a people's pleaser whatever it is I disassociate these are all I'm trying to survive I don't have that Foundation that template but in our deepest core we can find that attachment with our truest self which is always one with the source and when we do there's nothing more Blissful than letting everything go and leaning into that frequency of trust surrender love and attachment we call itus in Hebrew in Judaism vus intimacy it's a struggle because sometimes we're not there some many of us are never there but this is where we want to be because this is where we really are in our deepest space so I want to wish all of you my dearest friends brothers and sisters holy brothers and holy sisters that these days of Reckoning and these days of renewal and these days of healing and these days of repair and these days of transformation should be able to really penetrate us just in a healthy and beautiful way you know I was telling my wife yesterday that I learned that so it's so easy in life to live off other people's energy and just borrow their emotions and then life is miserable it's really deadly because there's nobody here I'm just copying other people and some of us can just do it our whole life but to really be able to be anchored in your own inner self which is infinite and Divine and may you find and all of us find the healing that we need this year you should have the most amazing year of healing and transformation of recovery of repair a year of true blessing and success of Serenity and Tranquility a year in which God fulfills all of your heart's desires and in which you find your innermost Blissful joy to be able to show up to life with full joyful presence every day of the year amen and may it be a year of Victory and a year of true Redemption true G thank you and thank you for the opportunity and now let's go to questions questions thank you every why why okay um alrighty so you know I I take questions and I try and compile them so um let's see here this one is uh okay this is individual one so I'll ask it as she spoke as she said it I've always learned that we must take a cabala for the coming year and I've done so since forever this year with barash some major life changes and intense therapy I feel like I'm doing like all I'm doing most of the day is thinking about life and my thoughts and my actions and my behaviors I feel like a cabala would be insignificant as I would just do it to be y so I feel okay going into y Kipper not because I think it will make me a better uh just to the yis I feel okay going into y Kipper I think my therapy and all the processing and healing that I'm doing is really helping me become a better person um I just feel fear that I haven't taken on something new um I'm also learning in ifs to tame my managers and taking on a Cabella feels like another critical manager in the driver's seat saying you have to do this otherwise you won't have a worthy y Kipper it's a great question it's a really really great question and it's a question that I think you're not the only one who asks it and I'm just going to summarize it to make sure I understood we're told many of us are told that every year you have to take on a new cabala a new resolution and that's the main thing take on something new and this year with so much healing that you did it almost feels like if you take on a cabala just going to reinforce trauma in the language of ifs you said it's going to just create another manager another critical voice in the head that says oh you have to do this you have to do this but still you feel a little guilty and Afraid not to do it great question am my answer to you is and this is a very very important question and I think an important answer and that is you are taking on the greatest cabala anybody can ever take on and that is you're working on yourself you're healing you're learning to find your core self and to be able to distinguish between the managers the firefighters and all of the other voices all the other parts in yourself the managers and the protectors and the fire fighters and all of those you know parts that take you away from your own truest Bliss and vulnerability there's no greater cabala let me put it differently what often happens in religion in our religion is Things become Technical and ritualistic and instead of being experiential and organic and authentic they're very superficial so it's like I took a cabala and now God is happy with me I put in the right money into the vending machine and now I'm going to get a good year that's not what it's about the word cabala means accepting the real word Caba is that a person is in a state of growth a person is in a state of awareness so there's no greater Caba than what you're doing and I would say if you want to take a cabala for this I'll tell you what the cabala should be the cabala should be that you should stop feeling guilty that you're not taking a cabala that's the cabala that I would say you should take on a cabala not to feel guilty that you're not taking a cabala that's going to be a hard cabala but it's going to be the best cabala you can do you know why because it'll allow you to relax it'll allow you to be joyous it'll allow you to show up to an actual real relationship with God I don't know how to say this and it's not anybody's fault it's not anybody's fault we need to reclaim experiential relationships with our self with life with our loved ones and with God it's not in the head it's an experiential flow of energy of life it's not about you did this you did this you said this you didn't do this not a check off list like take a marriage it's marriage we check off I did this I took out the garbage I bought milk I did what she wanted that's external stuff yeah you should take out the garbage you should buy milk of course you should and it's very very important but it's about a relationship there's trust there's a frequency of connection there's a there's a joy there's a presence we could look at each other and feel each other and ourselves but you can only do that when you feel your own energy we can co-regulate Etc so the same is true with Hashem and even more so because he's the source of all life so I would say to you that the Caba this year is no guilt and a lot of presence and joy thank you so I was talking about families and oh go ahead go ahead yeah yeah there's a question that was very similar but had a different ending so I just want to you could you maybe answer at the same time somebody wrote I attended fresh start over two years ago um slowly but surely I'm seeing a major change in myself and I give fresh start all the credit for helping me start start this amazing journey um I was what referred to as a off the D A off the D person I know I know a lot of things I did in the past I'm fil I'm I'm filled with shame over a lot of things that I did in the past how do I do chuva how do I repent how do I come back to God now how do I create a relationship with God now that I'm on the Journey of healing help me heal my relationship with God what a beautiful beautiful question so you went through a lot of healing you said you were off the Derk you weren't observing for many years and now when you're healing through fresh start and we should give a a I think a a thundering Applause to all the work of fresh start on behalf of all the people who are being helped and continue to being helped and have been helped and now you want to recreate your relationship with God how do you do truva how do you repent how do you make amends when you feel like you have failed god um so frequently and so often and so profoundly so it's a very very good question and I think and my core answer is and I think this is so critical for all of us to understand on the deepest level you were never ever disconnected ever in fact all of our mistakes and sins and failures usually happen because we don't know who we are correct me if I'm wrong by saying that everything you feel you did wrong all of your failures all of your mistakes all your transgressions all your thoughts words behaviors that you felt were morally pancious and uh inap apprpriate and even grotesque Etc they all could only happen because you did not know or feel deep down how whole you are how beautiful you are how holy you are how amazing you are how Divine you are how you don't need other people to fill your Void you don't need all of these distractions in order to tell you that you could survive and be a good person in fact the closer we come to our truer self the more we want to be close to God because God is not some bully in heaven who's trying who's going to zap us if we don't do Mitzvah and if we do sins God is our our source of Life go God is your greatest fan God is the source of all reality so when we're in touch with our own reality we're one with God so real trouva means going back to the place inside of you where you never sinned all sin comes from the fact that I was alienated for myself I was misaligned I was not aligned with who I am I was disconnected from me and I was desperately s looking for connection so this person gets involved in one addiction this person gets involved in another addiction this person goes into anxiety or goes into depression this person finds one distraction or another distraction all different types of coping mechanisms in ourselves in order to be able to find some support in life which is miserable what is truva in its deepest form trua is knowing that in your deepest deepest core you never sinned you never sinned in that space you were always one with God you were the most beautiful and remain the most beautiful person in the world so therefore what I want to say to you is as follows your deepest tra that you could do thiser is by stopping to shame yourself and blame yourself and tell yourself how bad you are and how miserable you are and a dysfunctional you are you may have made mistakes but I want to explain to you something you did not make the mistake it was your trauma that told you you need to make these mistakes in order to compensate for what you didn't have if you would have always known you if you're always in touch with your own energy source if you always really respect who you are if you always are in touch with your deepest deepest needs and yearnings and Cravings you don't sin why would you sin it's like when I feel my real energy I'm not going to go eat things that are toxic I respect myself I like myself why should I eat these toxic thing I saw a clip somebody says don't go to the gym because you hate your body go to the gym because you love your body we don't do chuva because we hate ourselves we do chva because we love ourselves the first thing you have to tell yourself is the deepest level of chva I can do is if I could let go of the shame and the blame and the feeling that I betrayed God because the eye never betrays God your eye is one with God now is the second step of CHA the second step of CHA is to align your essence with your behaviors and if there's things you need to make amends for make amends for them so there's certain behaviors you want to apologize for apologize for them and tell yourself you know what I can do much better than this if there's certain conversations you want to apologize for apologize for them and you could say you know what I can do much better than this if there's certain habits instincts thoughts words actions throughout the years that you felt really betrayed your true true soul and you God so now is the second part of trva you say you know what I am sorry this is not who I want to be this is not who I was this is not who I'm going to be I am sorry this was my mistake and you know what tomorrow it's going to be very different and you're done and this is the last point we have to believe in Chua God says I forgive it's real you know how many Jews do trva but they don't believe God forgave them this one of the I love this you know how after we do and what's the first thing we say by he forgives sins on a second I just finished him Kipper why am I saying not I thought he forgave already and then in of we say forgive me I have sinned I thought was just over five minutes ago now even the greatest sinner doesn't gossip between and they're too hungry so we go from the straight into where was the sin why are we confessing our sins after I thought the day of atonement is complete you know says that after we need to repent for one more sin it's the sin that we don't believe that God forgave us nobody believed that nobody believes that God forgave them everybody's still feeling guilty somebody once told me the definition of a Jew is that he feels guilty and if he doesn't he blames himself so we're blaming oursel and saying God did not forgive us I want to tell you believe that God forgave you it's done it's finished you said I'm sorry chba was accepted move on those are three points you have to remember about TR number one backing up follow does that mean if you say Hashem truly forgives that we're not going to see those like people say you'll see the whole video of everything that happened your whole life do we have to really let go the shame great question does this mean if God forgives the sins that after 120 years we won't even see these sins cuz other people say there's going to be a video of our whole life is this going to be is this going to be deleted from the zoom video and God says oh this chapter was deleted it's much deeper than that of course you're going to see a video of your whole life but you're going to see your sin in a new context you're going to see how your mistakes and your sins and your failures Propel you to become the person you were supposed to become in other words in the ultimate Reckoning of life I don't run away from any part of my life I just see it in a different context let's understand every mistake a person ever made in their life is an opportunity for education for growth for renewal for Rejuvenation so we don't have to be embarrassed says that after shabas we turn around why do we turn around so he says you know you run into shabas right and it's very easy to forget the past he says no turn around and take with all the six days of the week real tra means I don't run away from my past I don't want to do control all delete I want to bring it all into my life I want to say ah wow look this made me the person I am today this is why I appreciate what I appreciate today this is why I'm sensitive in the way that I'm sensitive today I promise each and every one of you all of our mistakes when we confront them and deal with them they give us a sensitivity and a passion and a truthfulness and an authenticity that we would have never had without these mistakes so of course the video is going to show everything but it's going to show everything as part of your glory as part of your success as part of your incredible process of growth hey um I think we have a Live question here so Leia please G unmute you Leia are you there yes I'm here hello go ahead yes okay so first of all I want to tell you I have the courage to ask again A Live question because before PES I asked and you really helped me and the answer really resonated with me that's number one and number two I have to say your video about names when you said about Leia my name is Leia it was like wow how do you know exactly in my life and Leia and everything you said it was just wow I have I have a video in your house I have a bug in your house it was so it meant so much to me that video um thank you thank you so now about my question relates a lot to what you were saying in the beginning so I was at Fresh Start like it's going to be now almost 2 years and so I arrived there I was literally like you say rack bad him like I hated myself hated life hated my existence like it was too painful to exist it just rather didn't want to be here right right and they gave me the head start and it's two years of really a lot of doing a lot of work every kind of therapy modality and somatic and whatnot and really working on myself and I could say that I owe my life to Fresh Start I owe that my life I'm at a point where oh I could wake up and the sun is shining like I do I am happy to be alive I like myself I can appreciate my kids my spouse and like life it could be good you know now so for my question is as follows so when it comes to um you know the high holidays and everything around it so I don't have the scaredness the trauma everything I don't I'm so not scared about this time like okay but it's like my question is like this when it comes to alite like we have to say the whole alite and we C and I'm thinking to myself one minute like I had a life I had every kind of pain you could imagine I've had every kind of trauma and neglect and abuse and abandonment and whatever you like disease sickness whatever you name it I had I've worked through all that I you know I went I had open heart surgery million times like whatever you want to call it and I'm ultra sensitive person and I went and work through everything and I'm connected to my feelings my traum and everything and I I've did done so much hard work and I came to such a good place I'm thinking I'm say I'm sorry like what I am today and what I did I deserve like thank you thank you thank you instead of like I don't relate to why why am I being sorry for whatever I did do yes and obviously I sin and I do a lot of sins and did a lot of mistakes but according to what life has given me I think I'm I It's amazing And it's like I I could have been much worse and I could have like what am I clopping all excellent question wow that's number one and my second question is about daving so I don't relate to daving not because of trauma like like I daving is a trauma like I hate daving no I just relate daving in my own words like I don't understand most of the words in the anyway I feel like I want to d i talk which that's my daily daving like anyway I'm a mother of kids I can have an excuse but even without the excuse of kids to me ding means I want to talk to in my own words and I feel like I don't I'll Mumble the world in that I'll feel good oh I I said chak I said MIT I said whatever but but really hash did make the S and there is the formal prayers but I feel like I don't want to D in that way I want to d i just talk TM but then why is there a formal Ding and why is that supposed to be the right ding so it's these two questions like can I just D I talk to and number two there's a million and one Alit and I don't connect to any of it I'm like why should I say Al now and obviously I sin I know I sin but like you get my question I think I get your question I'm just going to summarize and you'll correct me if I didn't get it question number one was you have been through so many challenges in your life as you said you experienced every conceivable form of pain and abuse and sickness and disease and toxicity and it was not your fault you had to work so so so hard to heal Fresh Starts helped you literally saved your life and now you're living a much happier life you show up you can enjoy the sun shining you were miserable you hated everything you didn't even want to live and one of the hardest things for you is to say Al like you're confessing your sins really you didn't sin all these horrible things were done to you nothing was your fault even the mistakes you made were not your fault on the contrary you're the one who sacrif you put in so much work to recreate yourself and this really confessing of your sins of how bad your behavior was really triggers you and it's it doesn't seem fear it seems unjust it actually seems cruel and sadistic and insensitive to The Plight to the terrible horrific plight that you endured and question number two was you find the text of the prayer extremely irrelevant monotonous and boring you want to talk to God in your own words which is what you do every single day and you're a mother of children so you have an excuse but ideally that's what you would want to do and you feel is that the right thing because ultimately the prayer book seems sacred and this is the text that our sages compose to what's the right thing to do so both questions are are incredibly incredibly valid questions the first thing I want to do is I want to take a moment and pause and give Leia a tremendous tremendous standing of for all the work that you did to become the person that you became oh wow that feels good I don't think anyone ever did that for me okay okay everybody join me join me join me that's fine that's enough thanks Leia you deserve it we witness deserve it you deserve it all your work Leia Only Heaven Knows only you and heaven knows how much work you did it would have been not hard for you to just give up to resign to surrender just let's say it just jump from the roof basically jump would have been easier you could have done that yeah but you did not you chose CL you chose with your resilience you chose the path of authenticity to find who you are and to deal with all of the blockages and all the darkness and you found your light so you are a source of inspiration and as your name suggests Leia is the courage to go into places that are very exhausting you remember my video about Leia very exhausting yeah I'm telling you it was like wow when I heard it it was like exactly my life that was Leia that was the uniqueness of Leia you know ra ra is the num numerology there's light 238 but Leia represents a whole different dimension of existence and and you you embody that so I want to thank you for being you for being a source of blessing and inspiration I'm going to tell you how I see the AL okay I see it very very different I see it as a gift precisely for people like yourself we sayaz we sinned we betrayed we sold we SPO we stole we spoke slanderous we perverted we robbed we mocked we provoked we were antagonistic Etc and like really we we didn't do any of that sorry sorry God the abusers did that the sick horrible abusers did that we didn't for this for this to this I look at it very differently Leia the way I see it and I think this is true is we're actually talking to ourselves when you are confessing when you're apologizing you know who you're apologizing to you're apologizing to the god inside of you to your own soul to your I'm going to do a little meditation with you and whoever wants to join can join and we're going to do Al andu in a different way okay I'm going to do it in English whoever wants to join me feel free to join me if you don't want to that's fine if you want to close your eyes you can close your eyes and breathe and we're going to go through a Shu and but from a completely different perspective I just want to say so people know the source of this interpretation comes from the Al from the balat where he explains it this way I'm using English words in my own language but this is an explanation of the AL so I'm going to ask you all to close your eyes whoever wants to again I will do that you could take a few breaths you can inhale and exhale slowly and I'm going to ask of you whoever is ready to do this to go and meet the child at that age when she or he was abused maybe 2 years old maybe 3 years old maybe four maybe five maybe six whatever the age is 7 8 9 10 11 whatever the age is could you go into yourself and meet the child at that age when there was a rupture and Trust when there was disassociation when we broke into many parts and we didn't trust ourselves anymore when our attachment was no more when our connection was no more I want you to go and meet that child look into her eyes look into his eyes and breathe just breathe and now I want to ask of you those who want to go follow along speak to this child and ask this child what they would have needed to hear from you at that age I know you weren't there to tell it to them because you were not an adult at the moment at the time but what they needed to hear at that time and now can you tell that to them can you tell that little little girl or that little little boy what they deserved and needed to he during that time when you're done I want you to now feel what else you want to tell this child what else do you feel you want to tell this child this 5-year-old four-year-old three-year-old beautiful Angelic Splendid holy curious inquisitive compassionate kind loving child so filled with a yearning for attachment and for celebration and for joy and for honesty and for vulnerability what else do you feel you want to tell this child maybe just maybe would you like to say the words I'm so sorry my little girl I'm so sorry my little boy that nobody was there for you I'm so sorry that I couldn't be there for you I'm so sorry that all these years I never saw you I didn't even know you existed I am so sorry that I had to become the person I became and I felt that I needed to develop all these crazy insane coping mechanisms because I never built a relationship with you because you were jailed cuz you were suppressed CU you were in Exile I am so sorry for how much betrayal you went through I am so sorry that I had to develop binging drinking porn clubs unhealthy habits so much anxiety so much inauthenticity so much self-hate so much other haate so much fear so much Terror I am so so sorry that I betrayed you because I didn't know better because I didn't know who you are cuz I didn't even know you exist cuz I didn't know what it means to have a relationship with you and I'm sorry what you went through I am sorry what you went through wow wow wow wow and now look at this little child and ask her permission if you can give her a hug she may give you permission she may not but don't do it without permission if she gives you permission or he gives you permission then give them a hug and you might want to tell them we will never separate again I will never ignore you I will never betray you I will always talk to you first and listen to you first and look at you first before I make my life's decisions breathe whenever you're ready you can open your eyes and come back to us when you're ready if you want to come back if you want to stay there it's fine now my dearest friends holy brothers and sisters what I just did this is the whole story of asamu this is the whole story of Al we're not talking to some God in heaven who's looking at us looking at Leia or looking at Dena or looking at K or looking at SAR or looking at YF or looking at or looking at mut or looking atel and saying you sinner you sinner you bad girl you bad boy confess no you're talking to you you're talking to the god in you you're talking to your Divine Splendid Soul which has always been there and you're like wow I'm so sorry that I had to resort to ridiculous Behavior to ridiculous emotions cuz I didn't know who you were I didn't have a relationship with you yes I'm sorry I'm sorry young Leia I'm sorry young Dena I'm sorry young y why I'm sorry young y I'm sorry Tova I'm sorry young Rifka ra s I'm sorry young shim or Yuda I'm sorry I'm so sorry this is not about blame and shame and judgment you're this bad Jew you're this bad woman you're this evil man on the contrary there is so much compassion here for the fact that Insanity has guided so many of us for so many decades that other people's toxicity and poison that they injected into our systems we internalized and now we're living their sickness and making it ours so many of us have so much social anxiety or other forms of anxiety because of other people's sicknesses that they injected in us we are living Their Fear we are embodying their poison we are expressing their dread we are manifesting their misery wow That's Heavy I appreciate the opportunity that I can apologize to my inner child that I can apologize to the girl and the boy that is six or seven or eight or four or two or one or even one week old because our soul knows everything now I need to breathe now regarding number two very first let me say about this you just made me cry let me tell you this is this right you see now I want to say like a million times thank you because now my y Kipper is going to be very different okay because I went back to this 12-year-old girl and I you know I'm not even afraid to say it even though it's streaming YouTube I'm up to a point in my life I don't care what others think about me say about me but I went back to that 12-year-old girl girl where I got a severe eating disorder and you know suffered years with it and back to that girl and thinking I'm sorry you know like I'm sorry that you have to get that eating disorder because from zero till 12 what in your life I'm sorry nobody cared make me feel guilty that like my parents like you make you making our life miserable that you're like you better stop this because you're making our life hard you know just giving her all these sorries and it's wow okay that's all I have to say wow yeah wow it is thank you for sharing that lady that's incredible if everybody understood what she said that she went to her 12-year-old girl and said I'm sorry that you felt that you had to develop an eating disorder because that was the only thing you can do to survive nobody else could see you nobody could see your pain nobody could notice you nobody can even know what you're feeling all you can do is develop an eating disorder I'm so sorry to that 12year old and this is our journey this is our journey and it's so special it's so healing because our little child is waiting for that our little child wants to be one with us our little child doesn't want to be alienated from us but no ever say that this is Al like no teacher Rabbi will ever teach you Al in this way I'm just saying all the years of school meant a whole different thing we must say sorry for all the crazy stuff we did okay Point well taken why would no other rabby in the world which I love that's why we love you that's that's exactly why I love you thank you for the love but I just want to tell you something about that okay this is a generation of healing you have to remember that Jews have suffered thousands of years of trauma and we began experiencing Judaism through the lens of trauma I grew up in a very very uh Jewish culture I don't even remember one teacher talking to us and saying I want to help you viscerally viscerally experience love of God what does it look like to experience in your body in your nervous system a [Laughter] who even no somebody understood the nervous system what the regulation is like what the prefrontal relaxed is that migdala is calm uh you're in a parasympathetic State I mean these are all things you know we're learning and we're evolving so the truth is that everything I just said it's all in the teachings of the bov and his students and the alter and his students I told you what I just said about and is in but it's language that is still abstract it's mystical language as we all evolve and we heal we will get more and more to see the gift of Judaism we don't see it yet for many of us Judaism at best is okay at worst it's a crazy burden or a traumatic burden at best it may even be nice but when you heal you get to ah ah and by the way you just answered your second question also you must continue to pray with your words Leah it's very good that you pray with your own words the men as well even if you don't have kids when Judaism has been so traumatic when religion has been so traumatic when our relationship with God andz and and is just about shame and guilt and you're evil and you're bad and it feeds the trauma and it feeds the eating disorders and it feeds the addiction and it feeds the insanity we sometimes need to be able to disengage and pray with our own words heart to heart soul to soul but now I'm going to tell you a little secret L and that is that the Sid and the at least much of it or most of it that was written by the an and by the real Great men men or people of God is actually every word is a is a gem of healing so as as we all grow and evolve and we can understand the inner meaning of the words we can come back and really appreciate the Priceless gifts contained in every stanza in every paragraph because each paragraph each chapter that was written was written by people who were in the flow with Hashem and they articulated in those words the Timeless yearnings and longings of a soul the an it's like if you open a most people don't appreciate anymore because it's very hard Hebrew and because they're used to just to you say say say say as boring as it is but if you'll actually open up in English or in Yiddish or in another language that you understand and you don't say the words because anybody wants you to say the words don't say till them because you're being forced just read one chapter almost like a poem written by your best friend sharing his pain you will be shocked by the words of of everything you experienced in therapy a fresh start in somatic healing in ifs and all of the forms of therapy I know there's a lot of different forms of therapy and Gifts of healing that brought PE bring people awareness and healing Etc you will read one chapter into helim and you will go I actually did it I think it was yesterday no actually this morning I was on my porch and I was saying this to hm of the day and the B also said suggested to read every day fromer three chapters of so you finish the whole iner it's a very nice custom so I was reading one of the chapters very slowly like with the translation and I I told myself oh my God how did D know so much about trauma I was just telling myself wow this is the best description of trauma how did he know about now the truth is had a lot a lot of pain right my mother and father abandoned me and God took me that's what he says in chapter 27 my point is we can read texts again and again and again and again and we don't get it so in the meantime it's fine pray in your own words I have no issue but I'm just giving you a little secret and that is slowly you may want to take one paragraph from the m just one read it in English or in another language and slowly look into the words and you'll see that the words have incredible depth that is timeless and that's why they have that text because that text really lends itself to the pliability of a Divine Soul over Millennia just one example we have a it's one of my favorite pieces when I say it in the morning speaks about the love that God has to us and just the words that they have there you know I should never be ashamed what a prayer I should never feel shame and one of the greatest sages the AL the balat says what does it mean he means I should not feel shame in the presence of in the presence of Eternity am I ready to face the eternity of my soul with equilibrium how much shame will I experience when I see how powerful and holy my soul is so I'm asking even in the presence of seeing your own eternity you shouldn't feel shame because you're comfortable with your Holiness you know what what what a rich way of living a rich way I want to show up to life in a way that one day when I'm going to see all my eternity I'm going to see how infinite my soul is I'll be able to say wow and I treated it that way I treated it that way I won't have to be embarrassed from myself I won't have to be embarrassed from the fun 5-year-old the six-year-old the 12-year-old I'll be able to hug them face to face and when I am embarrassed I can apologize so this is just some Reflections on your amazing beautiful heroic questions Leia wow thank you so can I get like a English maer and that would I would love to know it do that I would love to know the only thing I want to say is and again with a lot of respect a lot of the English translations are little ancient and therefore you sometimes have to use your own translation and your own imagination in other words some of the translations are very very technical and maybe accurate technically but they don't always get the spirit of it but that's fine it's a beginning again everybody's evolving our English translations also have to evolve some of them are a little you know outdated and a little they're they're good the people meant well but they just don't always get it you know not every translation is so not every translation captures the soul but it's a good beginning I would get a good English maer one that you like and start with that yeah and take a few paragraphs don't you know don't do the whole book and say oh I read the whole book you know God is not a technican he doesn't need perfectionist and me will do that but yeah do that do that and and and and it may be very very special for you but do it on your own pace don't do it with anxiety you know don't do it to be y that you read through the book don't do it that way cuz then it's going to reinforce all the wounds that have created created the problem so you know we need to we need to be able I told my wife the other day what did I say I I got to go D I have to go D she said you get to go D you understand you get to go D what if you have to you get to go I have to go play with my kids you don't have to you get to play with your kids I have to go eat dinner with my family you don't have to you could do whatever you want you could run away you get to eat dinner with your family you don't have to to pray you get to pray prayer is a gift wow thanks my I'm going very differently into Yer thanks so much lot that means a lot when you say that you're going differently into y Kipper very different very different thank you so than you thank you Leia because I think we're all going differently after I mean after all these questions but certainly Yours by why why we have a time for a few more yeah okay so here's here's one um I'll I'll paraphrase a little bit here's my question I have been privileged to listen to her by YY shuram since 2016 unfortunately my parents concept of love and therefore my God concept of Love is somewhat distorted I've been learning and understanding and knowing that Hashem loves me inv all your inspiring classes yet I'm still unable to feel it I believe it I could give a dazzling Shear based on R by y y shuram demonstrating that Hashem loves me how can I move this from my my brain than my heart oh that's a profound question so to summarize and make sure I understand correctly you're saying you have learned from my classes over the years and you can really understand it and appreciate it you can even give a dazzling class to explain to others how God loves you and God loves us but that's all brainy what's the method what's the mechanism to be able to bring it from the brain Into the Heart wow that's very very powerful question it's maybe the question of our generation one of the great questions of Our Generation I just want to I want to throw one other question along the same lines similar another person this person mentions that she's able to connect mman lman from time to time but she writes here I want to love him and I want to trust him it says but I've never experienced that kind of love in security so it's difficult for me to trust and love based on what I had growing UPS it's a great question when we saying the prayers like a father has compassion for children and you're saying some fathers don't have compassion for their children in fact the opposite so if the father is the model for God it becomes pretty pretty lousy and negative because father is a pretty bad model it's generally a big issue because our parents become models for how we relate to God and if our parents were neglectful or even they were fine people and they meant well but they just didn't know how to see their children you know we deduce from them our relationship to God so these are really such fundamental question I'm thanking I'm thanking both of you and all the other people asking these questions because it's so important to ask these questions so it's really you know how how do we how do we get from The Love from the brain into the into the body I'm I'm going to suggest a few things here okay a few things number one I would suggest to you to appreciate the fact that to experience love in the body the body needs to be able to be in a very relaxed and regulated state right if my body is uptight if my body is hypervigilant if my body is feeling there's an emergency there's an urgency the body cannot be regulated the body is upended the body is extremely stressed or anxious and then it's very hard for me to experience in my body any love because all my body is busy doing it it's protecting itself it's also true in neuros signs when the migdala which is the part of the brain the stem of the brain that's responsible for alerting us to Danger when that's ignited when that's functioning our prefrontal cortex closes and the body is in in a state of hyper hyper vigilance preparing for confronting danger and that's not the time for love that's not the time for love you know if there's a lion coming into the room don't give me love let's run if there's a war zone it's not a time for love it's a time to protect yourself and kill the enemy some of us are always in that state we may not even know it but we're in that state so my first suggestion to you to all of us to me is we need to find ways to regulate our body our bodies need to be able to learn the frequency of trust my wife told me the other day a great line she said it's not the it's not the psychology that's blocking me it's the biology that's blocking me sometimes it's not psychology it's biology there is cellular trauma today they call it cellular trauma my body is hyperactive my body is my body is nobody may see it I may not be twitching but your body knows it you know we had bandel C once remember he spoke about you know the body keeps the score so so it's really focusing on the work with the body this is where the somatic work comes in and that is really can you regulate your body can your body be in a state of calmness can your muscles let go can you lean in to a place of support and a place of trust when the body is in that space then the love that your Divine Soul knows it has it could communicate it to the animal Soul which communicates it to the body and then the body can feel more of it so this is a general response more specifically I would suggest perhaps that you learn about some maybe some breath work can help maybe some meditation can help maybe some sematic work with the body can help and generally just a general approach to all of this is the fact that I know something in my mind does not mean that I can actually experience it EXP experiencing something is a different world it's a different I may have it very clear in my mind but it doesn't mean it's experiencing and I have to be able to open my body and make it fertile to that experience sometimes there's a lot of anger and grief and pain stored in our body and we have to release it so what I would encourage you today is that today God has given our generation Gifts of healing that are unprecedented there are today Gifts of healing available able that have not been around or at least we didn't have access to them many many many generations make use of them find out what you can do in your particular situation to be able to open your heart more to be able to open your body more to be able to calm your body because what then what happens then is you will start experiencing what you know in your mind it will be slow it won't happen in one day it's work in progress I also work on this constantly and it's not always easy but the path is very very clear in ter father and children I just want to say about that it's true sometimes our parents cannot be models and it's hard it's hard you have to forge your own relationship with God by forging your own relationship with your soul and you have to remember that our ultimate father and mother is Hashem of course it's amazing when you have a father and mother that you feel close with and attached with and it's incredible and it's an amazing gift and an amazing opportunity but we don't always have that gift and when we don't have that gift it's painful but we have to remember that even though our parents are the ones who provide us with the gift of attachment when they don't it doesn't mean our attachment is lost forever it means that we are empowered and we're challenged to go to the ultimate source of attachment and the only source of attachment is with God we don't have another source of attachment our fathers and mothers are here just to manifest what it looks like to be attached with God but the ellal cord with God nobody can ever cut nobody can never separate you could never be abandoned you're never abandoned so yes sometimes we don't have the father or the mother the biological one to manifest and embody what that looks like we say and in some cases it's like we can't talk about our fathers we have to talk about somebody else's father and that that's very painful but it also gives you an opportunity to be able to develop a real relationship with God that is unbelievably powerful and in many ways deeper than others because you have to go straight to the source you can't deceive Yourself by compensating it with only a relationship with other people on Earth you have to go to the source and when you go to the source you'll be able to recreate your relationships on Earth in a much more powerful way okay RAB W before I go to the last question did you hear the um video going around from about you want to share that maybe so let me let me just ask the last question and then you'll give an answer but I just thought it's it's a beautiful V the last question uh it's really two and one H is it okay to give my children a more joyful view of Y Kipper and if it is how can I go about giving my children a more joy view of Yumer what a question is it okay to give my children a more joyful experience of Yumi and if it is okay and I won't go to hell for that how do that was my addition how do I give it to my children so the answer to your question my dear friend is not only is it okay to give your children a more joyful experience of Y it's actually a great Mitzvah to give your children a joyful experience of Yer in fact I'm going to quote a book that you may call Judaism it's called mishas and Mish says that the two greatest holidays in the Jewish calendar are the 15th day of so the sages of the mishna who were pretty religious Orthodox Jews believed that Yumer is considered the second or the first happiest day in the Jewish calendar the happiest day the greatest y greater than T and is yipper in fact they used to arrange all the marriages at the time so the question is really no told them that yum is a horrible day apparently they didn't see it that way it's actually the day that Moses comes down with the second tablets and God tells him it's a time of forgiveness you know what it's like it's like a couple that has been estranged and alienated for many many many years because of their traumas and then one day they finally finally heal and they come back together and they look each other in the eyes and they say I love you and that I love you is so much deeper than anything they ever said because it came after all the pain it's like what we heard from Leia you know when she spoke about the whole journey of healing and then afterwards when you show up to life it's a different level of appreciation so that's the power of Yer y KIPP is the happiest day happiness in Judaism doesn't mean that I eat cheesecake a whole day or I eat lasagna a whole day you saying if we fast why is it that happiness means it's a day of intense love intense relationships I'll tell you an Insight once said about nil he said that everybody says what's nil the Gates of Heaven are about to close so you know you better do this fast you better throw in your petition fast because the Gates of Heaven are soon going to close the Sun is setting so it's a very somber view of nil the Reb said this he said you know what n is is the time when the Gates of Heaven are closed but you are inside it's like the Y room it's like the groom and the bride completely alone without anybody else that's the Gates of Heaven are closed but you're on the other side you're inside so yipper is really a day where the soul is completely open the soul finally gets the oxygen it was always looking for what's the oxygen I was always looking for infinite Consciousness remember before we were born before the world was created we were here but we were just part of infinity the only thing that happened with the creation of the world is that we think we're not part of infinity we Think We're Alone we think we're separate the moment the soul feels that it's not alone that it's one with the source it has everything it needs and that's what yipper is so in that sense yipper is a day not just of Joy but of the deepest type of Joy how do you give this to your children you give this to your children only one way how we give anything to our children it's called modeling our children are sensitive to everything we can't preach to our children we model to our children when my child feels that TTI or mommy is in a safe Serene space the child can relax when the child feels that tati is anxious uptight upset obnoxious overwhelmed the child becomes overwhelmed so when we're living in a place in which we experience our own soul our own inner child with Serenity and Tranquility we model it we exude it and then automatically your children will pick it up they don't even need the words they will feel the energy in the home they will feel the energy around you in fact they will want to be near you children like being around their parents when they feel their parents in a state of openness and joy Try It You'll see wow okay and with that r y why so you want to maybe just finish off with this uh and then we'll uh we'll wind down we'll end off on a high note absolutely so I'll just conclude with one Insight again this ins comes from the alter and uh it's it's it's one of my favorite insights in the world why do we start off yipper with K nidre you know we absolve all the pledges and the promises you know we say col nidre all the promises that I'm going to make over the next year from this to next they're all absolved they're null they're void Hally it's in order not to cause a person to violate the great Mitzvah of keeping your pledges so if I say all my promises are absolved so then even if I make a promise and I don't keep it it's not the end of the world right we all make promises I'm going to do this I'm going to do this okay but he says something much deeper there's all the promises we make to ourselves is it possible that a 12 years old or 16 years old or 18 years old or two years old or six years old I made a promise to myself consciously or unconsciously the promise was I'm going to self- sabotage the the promise was I'm going to always always always hide my true self the promise was I will never trust the promise was I will never love the promise was I will never connect the promise was I will never be embodied the promise was I will never ever be happy again these are promises we make as part of our coping mechanisms the promises I'll never be honest again I'll never be authentic again we make these promises in order to survive and we keep these promises and we hold on to these promises tenaciously and we don't let go of them we stubbornly remain addicted to these types of promises that us and the first thing we do in y is we say NRE all these promises I made to myself the promise that I'll never be able to love I'll never be able to be happy I'll never be able to have a good marriage I'll never be able to have a good relationship with my children I'll never be a able to be fulfilled I'll never be able to be successful powerful beautiful gorgeous impactful I'll never be able to find Serenity and Tranquility I'll never ever be able to truly be relaxed and happy all those promises are gone all these Oaths I made to myself for 52 years or for 42 years or for 32 years or for 62 years all these Oaths I promised and I swore never never never just let go let go you're good you're amazing you're powerful let go feel it trust experience the frequency of Love of surrender of song of trust and of Faith thank you wow thank you Rabbi y why thank you everybody for joining us than have a year of peace tranquility Joy healing and uh with P from thank you everybody for joining amen take care good job and I want to thank I want to thank everybody who came on and of course the entire team of fresh start the founder of Fresh Start rter Tova Tova corn and everybody else involved for your incredible incredible work to help so many souls and all of the courageous Souls who are here who are going to watch it who are going to hear it for all your incredible work that very few people may appreciate but you and God appreciate you know may you go from strength to strength and may this be a year of true fulfillment healing Victory and Gula the individual Gula and the collective Gul amen thank you thank you take care