Lehavin Inyan Ha'Brachos #4: How Do We Avoid Contempt, Anger and Stonewalling in Relationships?

M we good excellent okay good morning everybody Welcome today's class is graciously dedicated by Dr Daniel grober thank you very much Dr grober and a lot of blessings and success and all and thank you for your partnership we are up to we started the my LA to understand the concepts of blessings in up to page 12 the paragraph the second paragraph on the page page 12 in the Hebrew it's V column 3 d v column 3 we started a few lines last time was a long introduction so I'll just start from the paragraph again we'll start over again now after everything explained before which we discussed in the previous classes will come going to come to explain the first two bras the first two blessings of of marriage when someone gets married whether today we do it under the or during the so the first two blessings that are connected to marriage you have the blessing you have the blessing but he says that are directly connected to marriage the first is because I was wondering he says you have in other words the first two that deal directly with marriage because is he formed Adam and as we'll see what that means and then and then you have the second one which literally means he formed theam in His image and he and he developed from him he fixed from him he created from him a Bion an edifice a which would be for eternity that's why when they wedding they wish people aad that it should be a Bion an edifice Dead Forever For Eternity just like ad and's Bion their the home the Bion they created together is adad Generation after generation till the end of all the generations so so these are the first two blessings the first the first blessing opens up with it doesn't conclude with we say there's no at the end the second one begins with and concludes with and then you finish so one is called and one is called as we said before you have two types of blessings you have which doesn't end with and you have which begins and ends with so in the previous section he explained there was two types of bras every BR has the same objective to bring into the Consciousness and to Revelation that as he discussed earlier the difference of the first B second one is connected more to one one is with the details are not fleshed out yet everything is more in potentiality like the seed of the tree and one is connected to the world that's fleshed out in details which over there you always need protection you always need a like he explained why the word is not you remember is from the word a signature a seal which protect the letter for example a letter that's sealed or anything that's sealed a jug of wine a jug of oil like we have in the story protects it from a stranger or somebody who's not supposed to have contact to have contact and if they do have contact you could see that this seal is broken this was this was the symbol that there was contact in other words that somebody touched it cuz the seal was broken the seal is not there so why is that the word the word should have been not you're not sealing you're finishing the word is doesn't only mean an end means a seal a signature like you have in the m m it's sealed with the with the with the Ring of the king that shows the SE and that's what he says no because when you understand the deeper element of at the end it's a it's a protection of the Integrity that the water doesn't the energy doesn't leak into the wrong places he said that's why the end is always crucial for example it's just interesting this is also that the word is the same letters like two other words one is and the other one is it's all the same letters it's all the same thing right what's a is a fortress it's a wall that protects a city and the reason is again so to be able to protect it from the enemy or from any alien force that comes and wants to penetrate it that's the we fast because the walls of the city were breached when walls are breached it can be a very dangerous thing because the one outside the wall is not your best friend it's true in everybody's life you know you always have to know when walls when the door should be opened and when the door should be closed so that's and then you have is the same thing like example have shabas what's shabas shabas is that on chabas you're allowed to walk throughout a whole city and then once you leave the city right if there's no other City nearby or there's no other houses nearby you're going out to a highway or to the Wilderness whatever there's a certain which is 2,000 so that's the shabas it's like a border of chabas that's a border around the city see says a story in that he was was riding on a horse on chabas and the mayor was following him because was teaching ta while he was horseback riding on chabas and at some point told he should go back why should he go back CU he was while he was teaching he was also counting the footsteps of the horse and he said it's shabas already you're a religious guy you gotta go [Music] back then there's also yeah right the waters got angry but these two words I'm just saying you see that which he explains is the SE is also and it's also it's all the same it's the boundaries that protect it so this is versus as explained earlier so now we see that these two blessings in marriage in have these this quality one has a in the beginning not at the end the other one has both to understand this sometimes he just writes a reference but here he adds look over there because the Su over there is intricate we started to discuss it last time explains he says that these two these two why do we say twice how many times was Adam formed once so why is that two blessings the answer is it's connected represents two two Creations that happened with the first Adam with Adam he doesn't go through here the whole in the I said it last time but the over there was that the Tells a Story you remember of and and they had a they they did each one of them did differently one skipped out and therefore only had five six blessings together with a gin or five blessings without a gin and the other one and the other one did both of the yers so the gor asks why what was the so the gar has two two perspectives one perspective is that um if there was one y there were two Yas what does that mean if there was one two if there was one you only do were created as one so it's only one so then it's or you say now that there were two separate there was Adam and then there was a separate a separate a separate formation true from Adam but a separate a separate entity called so it was a special for so if it was one so there's only one there's no two y so that was the opinion of the one who skipped the second who skipped the first y who just did the second y or skipped the second just did the first and then the second opinion is no there were two and then the gar reject and says you don't have to say this you could say that everybody holds it was one of and together but there was a and there was a what there was the plan the dream and then there was the implementation the essentially are one in other words originally they're one they're together but in in reality at the end Hashem wants them to be separate that was the so even if they're created as one nonetheless in his plan was they shouldn't remain one they should remain and become two separate entities two distinct entities that was the plan so if you go according to the so it's one if you're going to the it's two because they were separated at the end they were separated not one anymore man is a man is a Ser a woman is sep they get married and they become one again that's that's that's what the that's what the G says so one one one went according to the and therefore it's two because the blueprint idea was they should be separated and the other one said no according to the mea they were one h no yeah you're right the end of was tube of course but the question is in other words should you say yeah the formation should you say one y or two y so he formed two I don't want one I want two but in m there was a Oneness however you explain that Oneness and as a result of that you say one later there's a separation has his footnotes on this and one of his so he says there it's very hard to understand the that prevails over in other words God also knew what he wanted so he could have also separated ad and initially just like all the other species he created a horse it was a female horse and a male horse female lion and a male lion everything was males and females he also knew about his Why does hold and that's that the prevails over the so from the actually his name was his grandson is sometimes here the are from him of the the so it's known as the Bal he wrote a say called I'm sorry on on and and he has a called he was the of Frankfurt Frankfurt in Germany and he was a student of the mag of M the Boston RAB haritz RAB Le haritz was is a grand was a grandson and here there's one of the comes lot yeah he wasn't he was a student of the mag of M so how does he end up by the yers that's a good question very good okay but the way the schas came about was an interesting thing in that generation there was a divorce known as the G of CLA the G of CA was one of the most I spoke about once Tish was one of the most controversial stories that happened then there was a divorce that was given in Cleveland Germany and um there were those who wanted a debate that there wasn't a CO they said it wasn't a Kosh because the husband was uh mentally challenged when he gave the get it became a huge question can the woman remarry or not did she get a get or not and it it tore the Jewish World apart mean it was a huge fight most rabbis believed it was a good G but there Frankfurt his name wasam aish he was a lone soldier and he fought ferociously against the G and uh it became a huge huge huge fight it was a crazy crazy conflict to those who say that the reason that the hulla the enlightenment became so powerful in Germany was because the respect for rabbis was eroded from the get of CLA that and chap story that's what some say was a huge fight a huge M and aish he was like he was one only opinions against the get and uh because it was such a big fight he passed away shortly after I don't know if it was cause of that or not but he passed away shortly after and the community was so Furious that they made a condition that nobody who fought against them could become Rabbi in Frankfurt the problem is they couldn't find a rabbi so they had to go to Eastern Europe and find a tal of the mag of M to become the rabbi of Frankfurt so it was a very unusual I guess God wanted him to be the rabbi of Frankfurt but uh yeah so that's how the pitz became the love of Frankfurt somebody asked me Tak you don't see in his p and in his that he quotes so much even though he was one of the greatest students of the mag so I said could be he was by the Yas and he had to know you know how to speak to them just like was a student of him also doesn't quot a lot but you see a lot of was and was a student of the was you know you had to know how to speak to your community if they were they should be receptive to you I don't know could be stop I'll in the introduction to the children write that it was the pitz and his brother of nesburg who were very very uh instrumental in in empowering the AL to WR they were older than him and they were his rich and they were considered go of the generation the two brothers of nasburg and of pitz was nasburg and he was in Frankfurt so it says they saw some of his writings I think and they were so enthralled and overwhelmed they pushed them very much to do it the mag told him to write but they uh they were very uh instrumental in motiv in motivating him because he was very young I'll call upon Him ah so the says he writes in one of the I saw I saw a real answer from the B on this he says it's a big compliment it's it's an authentic answer you know you have answers people give answers as they say the question is still better than the answer here he says that he gives it I guess it's over there I mean in in his so he brings from him that he says you talk about doesn't mean like we think I have a plan right but in action I'm doing it a different way so then y means he created so do what he created his plan I know his plan his plan was later to separate them but that's not the was when he was creating them as one I want them to be separate okay grant grant got it but that that God also knew that he wanted to create them as one so why making two y if it's good for him to do one so you can also do one of the why is the prevailing over the so says that's not what it means it means much much more adal doesn't mean it's a thought that I want to do ultimately at the end but not right now means a different different dimension of reality and the way he puts it there is there's the Goof of and there's the of the of and were always separate he created them as separate in other words their creation from a level of their internal Consciousness was two separate beings initially it was two separate beings when you speak about Z as one you're talking about the physical Dimension yeah the physical dimension of the Goof that there was one and then separated again however you want to explain that physically but spiritually they were always two initially they were two they were created as two entities when they're one they're one in their body they're not one in their soul even when they're one they're two separate beings cuz that was the whole that was the plan that was the the internal state of and is two separate beings and that's what you make that's why you make two you're not only talking about the you're talking about the the of the was two even though everything comes from one but here there was a split in the soul between the male and the female so what this means is and that's what the G is saying and that's we say two bras we don't say one so so as we said last time it's also representing two ideas and that's what we're going to discuss now if the focus is their Oneness or the focus is their distinctiveness their separation so now let's see that's he the word means separated separated is a separate entity does marriage not b H it says in Z that a husband and a wife is PL it's it's like a half a body half a soul like end of course but but you're binding two people you're right everything is one when you say two halves of one Soul he doesn't mean a split That's essential that it's two Souls that are not connected he means that it comes out ultimately as two entities you have to bring together the two halves it's two halves of one soul but each one on its own is an entity right you can have a single man and a single woman a person is single doesn't mean they don't have a life you know sometimes it's something that you we talk about marriage but it's important the gar says you know thear speaks the whole value of marriage and everything but a person even before marriage or after marriage still a person it's not like a woman and a man is supposed to feel that if they're not married I'm just a half a person walking and I'm not a person there's something special about marriage the completion the pl Etc but it's a self-contained Soul it's a self-contained soul that it's in a relationship with another Soul So when you say half yeah half means because when you speak of half a soul it's not like you know you took the cookie you cut it into half and now you have a broken cookie it means that there's a deeper wholeness that the N gets through the other but a person has a a soul it's not like when a person is single then it's not a person the say full and together but it means in other words and that's what it means that it was split it was split means that it's his Nish and her in Practical words it means that it's a little bit of a sensitive idea but the the wholeness of a person the inner wholeness of a person I have to I have to find it myself I can't get it from somebody else not even a husband and a wife sometimes a person thinks you know I'm wounded I'm blemished I'm I'm I'm tattered I'm scathed I got married my wife will complete me or the other way around right my husband is going to complete me it's beautiful words but uh it's it's it's a little it's a little it's a sensitive topic it's true a husband a wife complete each other no question thear says that's when you called but you have to know what that means you know do they say J there was a woman who said before I was married I was incomplete now I'm married and I'm finished so it's just a joke maybe it's not a joke I don't know you're sawing so early in the morning already he says it is a joke he says it's not a joke I'm not going to ask you why he has his he has his whatever yeah say say say What's the what's what's the Indian hair we once spoke about this there's two types of things there's something called craving and there's something called desire craving comes from a place of a void I have a void and I want to fill the void Des desire comes from wholeness I'm whole and because I'm whole I want to expand I desire there's a big difference when there's a void I need you to fill that void so I have a craving to you because I need you to fill that void if you're not available for example or you're having a hard day and you can't fill that void so the void not only is it there it gets even stronger right because now I I I I made a bit for connection I reached out and boom instead of filling the the void right you you threw you you shot a bullet into it so now the void is much stronger and the distance is much deeper and this is what constantly happens in marriage right anybody can relate to this and it's a very normal thing this is this is you're not unique this is human behavior but but as we grow and hopefully we grow in life we want to reach a much deeper space and the deeper space is your Void you fill from within yourself your soul fills your Void when you're in the flow in other words when you're a channel for the energy force that comes through you there's pain but I I I need to fill my void in fact I'm the only one who could fill my void because my soul could fill my void your soul even if you're the nicest person in the world you can't fill my void you can't fill it so when people live off other people even if it's not manipulative and exploitive it's it's kind it's nice I don't mean live off that I'm just trying to deplete your energy but ultimately you can't fill my void you could feel V I could feel my void so now when I reach out for connection it's coming from desire not from craving it's not desperation so now if you're having a hard day or you're having a difficult hour and you can't be there it doesn't destroy me it doesn't create a situation where my void gets even worse and stronger and there's more distance rather I can appreciate the fact that yeah I had this desire right now this desire can't be met but when the person is in a state of expansiveness of fullness they want to share their love they want to give their love they also want to receive love but it's like a cherry on the cake to expand the powerful energy force that there is in that so now if the person is having a difficult moment I can empathize right and I could say okay whatever for whatever reason you know I can have empathy there could also be a pain there but the pain is not that you destroyed me because I'm not living off you this is a much more evolved State of Consciousness you understand what I'm saying now it's hard it's not easy it's not easy because we look to others to fill our voids just like we look to things to fill our voids we look to our phones to fill our voids we look to tatkas we look for money we look for validation we look for a lot of things to fill our void but those are all like we always say those are all distractions they're not ever going to really fill the void the inner void that I'm feeling only one can fill only Hashem can fill it and that means my Hashem not even your Hashem right your God can't fill my void on a level of it's one but on a level of M my God has to fill my void my soul it's it's my energy force it's my soul and my goof it's your soul and your goof so as much as there is connection and that is so powerful and critical connection also requires the respect for separation separation is not that we we we love separation separation is not fragmentation separation is distinctiveness distinctiveness means you have your life force and I have my life force not everything is the same right in the source everything is one but the way it comes out there's Adam and there so as much as Adam and become one they also need to respect the fact that they're not one and that's important in their Oneness because if my Oneness doesn't respect the fact that we're not one so then the Oneness only touches that part of you that is one with me the part of you that's separate I can't I'm just getting annoyed with that like why do you have to be different than me and this is what happens you understand what I'm saying this is this is uh more important than a lot of people realize then I'm getting annoyed why you different than me in other words the Oneness is only touching the part of you that's one with me but that's not the truth the truth is that the separateness is an essential part of the relationship that's what it means that you go according to the Mak the fact that were designed not to be one but to be two that is an essential part of the relationship because that's a Oneness that incorporates and respects the distinctiveness and the boundaries of the other person and it takes a lot of confidence inside because to really respect otherness you have to be able to be fine with yourself right like you are you and it doesn't take away from I being I it's simply I know it it sounds simple what's the big deal you're you and I am I but we know emotionally it's not so simple you you you are you and I am I and when the U and the I could connect from a you and an i that's a much deeper connection and for there for that you recognize your Oneness but the Oneness is recognized through and with the separateness and therefore there's moments there's moments that ultimately I need to respect the fact that there's differences and not everybody has to be the same and have the same personality and have the same opinion of the same perspective like we saying it's different manifestations of divine energy so on one hand you say it's two halves of one Soul that's true but you're also saying it's two halves you don't just say it's one Soul it's one Soul it's one Soul it's two halves and each half is a self-contained half it's not a half that's just a broken miserable half so I'm miserable till I get married when I get married you make me UNM miserable people who are miserable before marriage are very often miserable in marriage and after marriage it's just in marriage they have somebody to blame that's it I mean before marriage they blame one person in the middle of marriage they blame another person after marriage they have a third person to blame nobody can rescue anybody from their misery it doesn't work that way there's no such a thing it just doesn't happen that way that's a deep question what if somebody's miserable because they're lonely right I mean outside I mean there might be other factors as well let's say everything else is going well the only factor is they're happy besides the they're single 35 40 whatever age is that's the miserable that they have right right so I think you know I I think we have to understand this with a lot of we have to say with a lot of sensitivity and empathy But ultimately if somebody is miserable in their loneliness if they and and their word their word is miserable I don't think somebody else can fill that they need to be able to find their inner wholeness nobody else nobody else can can let's forget about marriage for a moment okay just talk about friendship if somebody's I'm just looking for a friend be my friend be my friend be my friend it's very hard to be a friend for somebody who has no identity outside of you being their friend right in fact we uh somebody once said a very good line um that sometimes we find our I forgot the line but the was sometimes we find our deepest friendships when we when we could let go of the need to have a friend and living a life where I'm just not being me in order to please people so I should be able to have friends right cuz real real friendship means that I I'm connecting to a friend but if there's no eye and the friend is going to save my eye and rescue my eye and give me an eye so if that friend is healthy it's probably going to be very very hard for that friend we're just like feeding off each other that's what happens sometimes in friendships there's a lot of toxicity going on where people are just feeding off each other's energy and therefore they don't respect their boundaries like whenever there's a friendship and you can't stop thinking about them and you can't afford them to have separate space to something off and you have sometimes you know it's like a crush it's like an intense crush and you have these types of friendships like you cannot huh it's a codependency and I can't have them be independent and I can't have them be separate and I have to like know and if they do something that I don't know about it's like oh my God you know and I'm now I'm hiring the FBI and the mad you know to find out why they went yesterday to New Jersey huh behind my back and it was behind my back yeah and if they have another friend right now you're cheating yeah so to speak whenever we see now these are normal emotions people have them but we have to ask ourselves what's happening so there's there's an obsession here in other words I need you to to fill me I I can't wake up without you I can't go to sleep without you and uh it could become an obsession and the obsession is that I really don't like myself I don't like myself and therefore I feel that you are my wholeness you're my completion the difference in miserable so it's a different type of miserable be lacking right I may be lacking and and from my fullness I desire to have an expansive life love is natural to the soul the soul is love the soul is a manifestation of love the soul is connected the soul wants to connect from a place of Desire it's like a cherry on the cake because I'm so full because I'm so happy I want to share that with somebody else it's like somebody who comes home and they're full of of light and love and they want to share it with their children they want to share it with their spouse they want to share it with their friend they want to they want to expand the the field the the the this the electromagnetic spectrum of spiritual light they want to expand it there's so much light right so they want to they want to expand it it's coming from a completely different place and it's tremendously fulfilling it's tremendously fulfilling and there's a pain and the lack of it right if somebody has a very deep relationship and the relationship terminates on some level it's a very very deep pain and sometimes someone who doesn't know love doesn't even know the pain of that separation right in fact some people perhaps don't feel love they don't allow themselves to feel love because they don't want to be disappointed when it's terminated cuz it's hard it's very very hard so I think so so all of this is so why why are we saying this so this is important to understand at the when we say two separate for we're discussing the fact as the P ya says that they're one but in in a deeper place the whole point is that there's a Oneness that's going to come out in separateness and there's still going to be one so now you'll ask a question so God should just create them as two don't create them as one don't make all these problems just create them as two and then everybody would say you make two brother why is there the answer of course is because the question is what type of Oneness is it going to be if they would be created completely as two separate entities as and if you want to use's scientific model you could say kava's chromosomes weren't taken from Adam's chromosomes it wasn't Adam's ex chromosomes replicated as a double X it was just a separate entity this ramban writes then ultimately ultimately the ran says by animals you don't really have the concept of marriage you have mating but not marriage most animals in fact are not monogamous monogamous meaning they can have many many different mates you know in one season they can have dozens and dozens there are a few like you have the dove you have a few huh yeah Swan yeah that are that are very loyal to their mate because the concept is it's a reproductive function it's a it's it's a function right the the the the female the male it's a function that in embedded in their DNA is we have to bring a new generation to the world which is amazing and every reptile and every insect and every bird and every fish and every mammal and every animal and every Beast knows that the is people forgot that in our generation but the animal world still didn't forget it they haven't spent too much time in University so they're still like with the design of creation we have become extremely sophisticated so whatever we have other lot of other plans they still know there's males there's females they didn't go to Harvard they would go to Harvard then they would know there's no males there's no females Hamas is better than Israel whatever all these things everything is by Design Insanity too yeah yeah I hear you I hear you so so the ran says but other by a person is different right even a couple that's not blessed with biological children there's a mitz mitz is a Mitzvah of intimacy between a husband and a wife in the sense that there is a value in the relationship itself on the contrary the children are a reflection of that of that relationship of that Oneness now when you have two separate people coming together at best it's two people coming together Adam and created as one represents that it's not two separate people coming together it's one person that was separated coming back together the is not a union it's a reunion so on one hand it's two people that's the point on the other hand it's two people who are capable of achieving profound Oneness but what type of Oneness not a Oneness that denies separateness and distinctiveness a Oneness that incorporates and encompasses two distinct personalities but that can only happen when there's two distinct personalities who can create space for the other personality for the other person in a very practical way a husband or a wife a can't space for other people's emot for the other person's emotions and way of looking at the world and experiences it's going to be very difficult the power of a marriage you see not in where couples agreeing when they agree it's good it's when they disagree that's where you see you'll always see a marriage how they disagree there was a big uh there's a very a big Guru on marriage his name is what's his name he all the books um Gutman Gutman Dr Gutman he wrote a lot a lot of books I think he interviewed 40,000 couples over the years I mean a crazy amount so one of his statistics he did a lot of research on this got as a kid he learned in in in in uh he learned in Yeshiva I think today can himself a conservative Jew whatever it is Dr Gutman so he one of his uh the research he does he says like this that they used to think that a good marriage there's no disagreements they always agree at least 90% of the time in bad marriages they're always fighting they're always disagreeing they're always there always right which should we go P which should we go shabas which should we put the kids in school internet in the house everything is Aus so of course they're fighting that's what they used to think he says they realized that it's not the case what he did was till till him before the way that they would deal with marriages was going to a therapist a therapist would imagine yeah what to talk about what what this couple needs they need this and he said no that's not how you're supposed to do it let's learn from experience it was very smart he says let me look at thousands of couples who have a good marriage let me look at Thousand have a bad marriage let me see the difference and and he allowed them to he allowed them to he allowed them to give him he asked them for permission to install video cameras to be able to see how they live and then and then they came into his thing like for a week for a few days and everything was videoed and he wanted to see here's a good marriage here's a miserable marriage what do they do right what do they do wrong and he did this with tens of thousands and he said that one of the very interesting statistics is that good marriages they argue as much as in bad marriages in fact he said says even in the best marriages 70% 69% actually I think 69% of the arguments in the first week of marriage they still have when he's 99 in Palm Beach and she's 96 in Palm Beach now they're sitting on the beach with a he's with a pina colada I don't know she's with an ice coffee whatever it is and they still have the arguments that they had at chevas 65 years earlier the same 70% % of the arguments weren't resolved you know that we put the venan blind down or up lights off lights on music louder music lower mil restaurant F restaurant the only thing they don't argue about when he's 99 is they're going to her mother for PES because the mother is already celebrating P that's maybe the one argument that doesn't exist all other arguments not all 70% he said and they realize that it's not connected it's not if you're arguing not it's how they argue it's very how they argue do you argue with contempt contempt means how could you be so stupid to have such an opinion right it's how you argue is it with contempt is it with gaslighting is it with stonewalling is it with drifting away is it with anger is it I can't deal with you you know you pick up your hands and despar like yush yush that that that that never that's not going to work or you argue actually with presence in other words with security with confidence so you could say what you're feeling and you can hear the other person's feelings and it's not a threat to your existence it doesn't trigger you to the point that you have to run away you know fight or flight or freeze all our responses now you may be triggered but you have enough um mental awareness to be able to Bring Back Your Divine to use language to Bring Back Your Divine Soul into presence and therefore not allow the triggers to overwhelm the relationship because I don't want people to think that if you have triggers you can't have this relationship you have triggers but you understand what they are and you could bring in your Divinity Your Divine Soul into the relationship what's the point of all of this this is that this idea of tus you know you see how all this idea it's all in the gar you're making a not for one person for two people you would think at the at least Le come on give them a few minutes of oness like you have to ruin it right now at the at least tell us that we're won we okay in a month we'll come back for therapy fine you'll tell us that we're two people we'll come back in a year we'll come back in two no at you have to ruin it it's not one it's I now finally no you got to ruin it it gets even better there's a there's a sa called yam by the Mah from luin you know Mah he lived in the 16th century 16th and 17th century so the writes in Saw maybe also I forgot where in one of his one of the he says that why do we break a glass under the so everybody says for the says no it's a because the was the marriage of God and the Jewish people the M says what happened at that what happened at the first wedding between God and the Jewish people the were broken 40 days later so we break the glass under the that's what the sh say I saw it the first time and I didn't understand that what are you telling them that what in 40 days you should make an agle and she should run to somebody else or he should run to somebody else and then you'll break Thea and Destroy Thea and destroy the ring and the I mean what's was a tragedy it's not U yeah I understand we do it for we're still in gas we remember the we remember that even Allah Jews always remember but what do you have to bring in no so perhaps I don't know but perhaps you you can explain it based on this I'm not sure this what the marsh means but it could be that it's actually very important to bring it into the and the reason is because you're actually giving a very powerful message there may be moments in which you feel that this relationship is broken and that's where you have to remember that theas were broken and God said this relationship is over andu said no no no it just has to go deeper and that's what he does and they have a deeper relationship and it's called so it's a tremendous comfort and empowering message to people and not just in marriage but generally the represents you know the ideal State you're starting a new life and then what the mar is saying is no things get might get broken the power of life is not how to deal with states that are not broken it's how you repair your life after Brokenness how you lift yourself up from the abyss that's where life happens you understand what I'm saying you have those few people who have ideal lives and they never break anything and they never destroy anything okay if you could do that you know give us the recipe and we'll try to copy you but everybody knows that those lives are very rare very unique unless you're in denial we break things we destroy things willingly unwillingly consciously unconsciously so Theus you're breaking the glass when I sometimes a fish I do a I tell I have my line that I say at the end of a I say why is the breaking the glass everybody's screaming ma what's the ma even if you have to break the glass the $10 glass $20 glass why you screaming Ma so I said we're trying to we I tell the K I say we want to tell you a message here this guy under the now he's perfect he's impeccable he's Flawless he's handsome he's the most amazing guy in the planet but sooner or later he's going to start breaking things that's what men do and when he starts breaking things learn how to say mazov you're not married to an angel you're married to a human being who has ups and downs and upheavals and goes through the vicissitudes of life and then I tell the the same thing about the Kal but what's the real nuda the real nuda here is that Brokenness means you're not one you're separate that's what breaking is you have a cup and you glass and you break it so it's now fragmented in two pieces or more than two pieces and after the breaking of the the relationship didn't end it's just said now we have to pick up the fragments and create newus so now you're saying something very deep he couldn't glue back the first you don't do that you create the second look but in a way it's much deeper because you retain the cracks in the second you don't get rid of the cracks the [Applause] says what made up the was not just the second whole it was also the broken they took the broken pieces and they put that in the not just because the power of is that it incorporates the there's something in the fragments what we spoke a few we spoke a few classes ago right that somebody once said when I was young I worshiped Perfection now I searched for things that have a crack in side of them cuz that's what allows the light to come in the broken allow a deeper light to come in they create a humility a vulnerability and authenticity so the is don't forget about the they're created from the fragments it's a wholeness that's a different type of wholeness so right in the Arin you had the broken pieces there oh just get rid of them put them in a museum glue them back together make believe nothing happen you never make believe nothing happen the the Brokenness remains present in the wholeness cuz it's a different type of wholeness it's a deeper holess so now when you talk about a marriage sometimes when marriages break and then they repar they have a wholeness that is much deeper not sometimes always that is much deeper than the original wholeness now sometimes they don't know how to repair they just break we know that we call it a get and sometimes there's no legal divorce but there's a spiritual divorce an emotional divorce but if they do bring it back together like in the case ofu and the Jewish people in hasem it's a different type of relationship does it have the same innocence and Purity and Youthful idealism no it doesn't had something special that was not replicated is a different type of it's a to of work and creativity the says inan is called darkness in says God has placed me in darkness what does the what does it literally mean he was put in darkness God placed me in darkness it's called learning gar is a confrontation with Darkness I mean everybody should stay with that Darkness you shouldn't have other Darkness but it's a very powerful idea because talud B versus Tudi is engaging it's full of questions and anwers and debates and reputations it's a blueprint forus no no I'm serious but what type ofus everything that said about marriage really if you know how to read gar it's all there in any page of gar it's full of there's not an of gar where people are not fighting with each other but they're not killing each other they're just fighting with each other how do we know it's so precious the B writes in in in in T I think why do we say in the morning morning before ding you know why because it's it's the one chapter of M that doesn't [Laughter] have you'll see there's no there's no they put it in before that they were so excited one chapter doesn't have the whole the whole the first the last and everything in between almost every ready the first when you read till when you could read at night the second mishna the second when you read krishma in the morning they're arguing about everything the Third mishna how you read kishma but that wasn't that's not a problem the problem is not the M the problem is how they argue they not they don't argue with contempt you never see ra looks at AB and say how could you be so stupid to say what you're saying he never says that it's not he doesn't say he doesn't feel it right that's how a husband and a wife have to be married how could you be so stupid there's contempt there's dismissiveness there's no space for the other when there's no space for the other it's a disaster so but the separateness is a of the Union so on one hand they're one because when they're coming together it's not two separate people coming together as an additional prize but rather it's like two halves of one not a whole shekele because I'm half you're half and together we become one on the other hand what what's what's we become one we become one like I said last time the marriage between the Jewish people happened on the third month because it's not month one it's not month two it's month three this third doesn't choose sides the third incorporates both you bring them together that's already a different art you get so that's the two that's the two and the one and that's that on the level of it's two and that's what you say what do I mean by contempt you're saying is it looking down at the other person or is it not respecting their opinion I I think on a deeper level they're probably the it's probably the same thing I think so but I I would just add it's not just not respecting your opinion because intellectually I disagree or basically I think you don't know the facts or it's ludicrous or you're not learning from previous experience or you're just doing the same thing over and over and come on you saw the disaster that happened last month like you know and therefore how can you even think of all this I'm just saying what goes through a person's mind right and generally you know you know how immature you are and you know how insecure you are and you're just like your mother and she's just like her mother and here you go again and uh like huh that's one level but there's also something else which directly leads to that and feeds off that and that is the person feeling very triggered the person feeling triggered is that the person is getting so upset there's something that's getting me so anxious so angry almost that you having this opinion doesn't allow me to stay still it doesn't allow me to remain tranquil in my Lane that has nothing to do with her opinion that has to do with something that is being triggered inside of me because of a wound that I never dealt with and that's where it becomes much more subtle and much more tricky cuz if it's just you know I disagree with your opinion okay so you disagree with my opinion fine why you so triggered why you so triggered when the intellectualism is really camouflaging an emotional wound I'll argue and argue and I have to prove you wrong and I'll bring you Ras and now suddenly I think I'm back in Yeshiva with my wife and I'll bring and I'll bring another and then I'll even open and show you what the T says that's going to help the marriage a lot let's call the RV like what's the RV going to do heal your trauma just just triggered 50 years of wounds okay the can tell you what it says fine maybe sometimes you need that but usually that's not the issue so there we have to be very careful we have to be it's very subtle in other words there's something that happened just now that invalidated me now you think what we were just talking about we're talking about who's coming for shabas I mean what what just happened we weren't talking about the future of uh of of the universe we're talking about who's coming for shabas that's what we were talking about but what represented was something very deep you know the Shala writes when you look at a star from here the star looks like a a chen Bean Char looks like a drle right if you go a little closer the star could be uh billions of times larger than the sun right it's also true in life you know some something is very very small it's like a star if you go go deeper it's not a small star it's huge the argument could be about who's coming for shabas right what are we doing for Kaneka are we going to that Kaneka part it's it's a star it's nothing it's it's really nothing it's going to be forgotten in a few hours but it's not nothing because for the person it's representing the fact that I was invalidated as a child and I'm being invalidated again I was abandoned as a three-year-old and I'm being abandoned again I wasn't understood then I'm not understood now I wasn't respected then I'm not respected now I was considered an idiot then I'm considered an idiot now my needs didn't matter then my needs don't matter now that's big trust me it's big so what's happening is we're not arguing B and were actually arguing they weren't invalidating each other they that's why they could respect each other okay it's a different perspective what happens in so many arguments is it's personal you're triggering me you're making me feel like like a mess inside of course I'm going crazy it hases nothing to do with argue so now but I'm not ready to face that so what do I do contempt I say what do you gain by doing that you're a you're uneducated you're illiterate what do you gain by do what do you gain by that you gain by that you don't have to deal with your own emotions you're you're an idiot that's it you didn't invalidate me how can an idiot invalidate me and of course I have to win but it's not really I have to win if I don't win win it's telling me that I'm a loser at my core but not are you understand I don't have to win as long as I don't lose if a couple is arguing it's not an issue but they're usually not arguing they're usually triggering each other's terrible terrible wounds which is normal it's normal and to acknowledge that and accept that and say yeah and I could stay in that space I could stay in that space and and it's very very scary space to be and then it becomes a tremendous fight or I can go into a different space I can I can hold space for this but go into a different space so that that that's what happens with contempt empath it's not easy because when it gets triggered it's very powerful hempathy empathy is very important because empathy allows you to hold space for your own pain and then you can hold space for somebody else's pain can't have empathy for somebody else if you don't have empathy for yourself it's very hard to have it for somebody else I don't think it works I don't I mean it's it's not yeah in a very real way to have empathy it's only if you have it for yourself because it's an emotion it's like a muscle you have to use it if you use it in yourself you experience it you can experience it with other people in fact people who don't have empathy for themselves they it's very hard for them to have empathy for others CU they're telling themselves I don't I don't I can't afford this for myself you know I put one foot ahead of another foot and move on like why should you be different so we project to others you know what we do to ourselves I heard a woman saying the other day who was on a podcast she said that her whole life like she saw her children are triggering her terribly and like she needed to whip them into a certain behavior and then as she got older you know she did some work and she realized that it was just they were triggering her own discomfort like I don't you how did I deal with this pain in myself I just repressed it and I moved on I didn't have empathy for it no my mother didn't have empathy for it you know she also moved on so you want me to have empathy for your thing like then it's going to bring up so many stuff that we don't bring up so if I could just get my kids to you know move on and fit the model that my mother wanted and her mother wanted and her mother wanted then everything will be good empathy is a very different place empathy you have to sit with you have to hold space for things that are uncomfortable but in that holding space I actually don't become a victim to it by by holding space for by identifying it you can actually look at it and you're not part of the problem because you can see it and then you can quarantine it it and then you could make choices you could make choices in a much deeper way that's that's the power of it so in a very practical way your wife may say something to you your husband may say something to you and it may trigger you very deeply this argument is now turning from an argument into two threeyear old children dealing with wounds it happens very very fast remember the body remembers everything so when my wife tells me something or my husband tells me something or my child tells me something or my friend tells me something the body already with before they finish the sentence the body is already responding you have to remember your body is a gone your body is is a genius like no genius everybody's body can win the Nobel Prize 100 times a day your body REM everything it doesn't have to remember it it's stored in its Consciousness and it reacts like this it's one of the of survival so by the time my wife or my husband orever finishes the sentence the body already formulated a response even before you process it in your mind your mind is slow your mind is very slow your mind like thinks 5 Second no no the body was already there before the sentence was finished in fact the body doesn't have to hear sentences the body feels energy and facial reactions huh the body picks up already when you came into the room she didn't even have to say anything your wife walked into the room and said I have to talk to you the even before the words came out your body already formulated a whole response your body already wrote a whole it's called and and even your body already has a whole whole it's a already plan the next 3 hours your body already it's all there it's like a chip in a computer it's like artificial intelligence you put in the question before you finish the sentence they already have a Milla written they have already 90 pages of text you now got to catch up Slowpoke you got to catch up because you're slow the body is beyond artificial intelligence remember the body's intelligence is is from the Divine so it's a different level of intell doesn't go through our processes that we have to go through in the womb yeah of course it's it's crazy what it learns it's unbelievable so it it's right away prepared so the body already formulated a response huh there's a mind in the body the the body has a mind build it builds buildings and it reaches conclusions and it knows how to respond and so on and so forth and and and how do we even begin to deal with this only by noticing by observing it and by having a lot of compassion and empathy for it so just her walking into the room or you walking into the room or your child walking into the room does the body language forget the words the body language the energy if there's a smile or there's no smile it's already the person is very very triggered you know people who deny all this and they even make fun of this conversation like you know psycho Babble I've never heard anybody who who like really is honest with themselves and does inner work who makes fun of this because everybody deals with this like if you make fun of this you know you can make fun of Sunrise you can make fun of sunset it's like what nobody deal maybe I'm sure there's Mal who you know maybe don't don't even understand this but these are these are real real things you know people who deny when somebody I never get triggered just you know look at their body language when they say that I never get triggered [Laughter] right they're so triggered it's not called a trigger it's reality that's it it is it's an automatic it's not called a trigger at least you call it a trigger you realize oh wow I was triggered this person is like this is life what else is there besides trigger trigger is is it's the default mode trigger boom 24/7 other words I don't even I I'm not even aware you know and that's worse than anything you know when there's a aess at least there's awareness uh Victor Frankle once said I think I quoted this a few times he said between stimuli and reaction there's a moment and that's where all human Freedom lie it's just a split moment there's the stimuli the body is already uptight the body knows what to say but there's like a split moment and if you have that moment and you're like wow so there's an eye that is free and it can observe it and then say wow that's tense wow yes I'm invalidated oh wow you're triggering The Living Daylights out of me you know somebody who says that honestly this is where honesty is this is where relationships grow when somebody could say oh yeah that was threatening yeah yeah yeah and how old is that piece oh it's two years old maybe it's six years old maybe it's one year old it was threatening yeah oh depends where the other person is if the other person is is in a space Also of awareness and growth so maybe not that moment but it's very very valuable maybe a few hours later the next day to have a conversation and just say you know when you came into the room and said those words even before you said those words when I saw your face I I felt very very uptight I I became very very threatened I became very insecure I got very angry I I felt a lot of pain I felt like I was worthless it has nothing to do with you it has to do with my my wounds now the other person could respond wow that's so painful wow I'm sorry that this is what you're going through and that's how the other person made space for it that's where there's amazing healing because people make space for these wounds for each other and then the next time they can actually bring it up even faster and then at some point the change the triggers change or even eliminated how the triggers trigger each other there's no conversation at all that's where the challenge is my trigger when I'm triggered right I'm triggered so that will trigger your trauma your trauma will trigger my trauma even more which will trigger your trauma even more after an hour conversation you're living in New Zealand emotionally I'm living in Peru and now go figure it out you understand and anything we're talking about is completely irrelevant everybody's in a completely different space so this is where I hold compassion I say wow look what just happened and instead of going down that rabbit hole and just being consumed by it and responding from it I can take a deep breath and I could say I am in a survival mode my neam is very very scared it's just very very scared it needs to control things and it's right away going to make decisions oh I can't be married to this person never again like it ready I tell you it wrote a whole by the time this conversation is over there's 90 BL of get there or any other could be they once said you know the ramb wrote 14 to divide 14 all goes into these Four's own own dissection of so they said once an anecdote that the rambam was thinking where should he put in all theas connected with men and women in their relationship so he went to different demographics of clausal to ask them so I'm not going to say the names you'll have to figure out the demographics themselves but one of them told the r clearly nin clearly or anything men and women put it into the the field of Nik and you know and all those things whatever that depends on your marriage if it's it's whatever the discusses different that's what one person told them another person who was already AB bris he said no it's Kenyan It's A din Kenyan it's an acquisition nness yeah so somebody else told them and he came to and he said it's all about t somebody says maybe it was from Gary he say it all has to go has to go into and then of course he came to somebody a little more modern and he said of course it's all about love you know and the other person is you know Mada you know keep your mind sober when you're married and no somebody said it's safe as man it all depends on the seasons and the periods and it's Al like relax it just depends on the day depends on the week depends on the month right another said person said it belongs in it's going to end up in the a anyway and so forth and this one said it's an AV and then there was one who said it's carbonis it's sa for carbonis the question is you'll be the carbon she'll be the carbon the kids will be the carbon right another one said maybe in Manhattan M you're going to end up in the court anyway and Sh him just make sure you have a good judge anyway the ram did not listen to any of them and he made a safer called Nim you understand the bril of it's something called huh that's the number you understand it's not a not a and that's why there's two yers there's one for Adam and there's one for but it's a very powerful idea when you think about it in terms of life it's a there's an entity there's a person here but the only way you can really respect a second person the woman is if you can also respect the man if Adam doesn't think that he was created by God he'll never think that kava was created by God if Adam knows that he was formed by God then he knows that K was also formed by God and that's why it's the same words why are you repeating the same words cuz it's m much the same thing once Adam knows that he was formed by God now he can respect the fact that K was also formed by God if you don't realize you were formed by God you won realize it in anybody else so here you see how everything comes together only when you can go back to your own identity and truly validate it from within and say I was formed by God can you experience that can I experience that can I experienc my Divine formation I'm not just a wounded broken fragmented destroyed spoiled lonely devastated insecure child who's always chasing after someone else who's looking for somebody to validate them who's living in terrible fear and dread and insecurity who needs somebody else's validation who need somebody else's friendship I'm not a person who's too needy I'm not a person who's essentially strange and therefore I have to hide myself or whatever the other messages that are coping mechanisms develop in our life but you can go back to you were formed by the Divine and what did God form show me the child that God formed show him to me how messed up is he or how messed up is she show me right the gar says inness that there was a Jew who met and he gave him shalim told them you're so ugly so he told it's in he says go to the Craftsman who made me and tell him tell the Craftsman who made me how ugly is this vessel that you formed wow asked him forgiveness asked him for forgiveness what's the whole point there the point isim obviously he was a bigadic he saw that there was an ugliness here he was trying to help this person he didn't only mean physical ugliness he meant spiritual ugliness and the person responded very profoundly he said before you want to talk about my ug I'm fine if you talk about my ugliness but we have to talk about something before my ugliness I want to know who formed this vessel who created this vessel go back to the Craftsman who made me and tell him this is an ugly vessel could you look back at the vessel that was formed there was a Craftsman who made me I know that there is wounds and I know that this fragments and I know that this sh that this vessel has been broken but this vessel was formed by a for by a Creator by a Craftsman by an [Music] uman before you see that don't talk about the ugliness of the vessel because you're not seeing anything you're not seeing the right thing you know you look at a child destroyed distraught perturbed you look at anybody I get it I know that's a broken vessel we know that but can you also see first there's an there's a Craftsman if you don't see that then sit stay at home then don't start talking to me how ugly about how ugly I am because you're you're just it's your own wounds that you're seeing you're projecting like the B says everybody is a mirror first you have to see the um you always have to see that I may not be capable of seeing that fine the reason you're not capable of seeing it in somebody else is because you don't see it in yourself if you see it in yourself you could see it in somebody else also so that's why you must say when Adam knows that God formed him then he's not looking to to tell him that he's Divine when he's not looking to to tell him that he's Divine if K has a separate personality and she has her own Journey it doesn't invalidate him because he knows so now he can create space for too but if he doesn't think he was formed by God meaning not he doesn't he doesn't feel it so now he needs to replace God you can't put this pressure on your wife to replace God sorry I know Jewish wives are like Gods but they're still not God people put too much pressure on their wife they want their wife to replace God your wife doesn't replace God and your husband doesn't replace God let God be God so they can be people that's the second word right I just had an epiphany if there's a then an could be an God could be God so the person could be a person your wife is not God your husband is not God don't put on your wife the pressure to form you and make you and give you dignity that's God's job find God he created you go find the Craftsman that made you you're good now your spouse can be your spouse now you can have real respect you can make space for another because if the other has to be there to make me feel good there's no other there's just me you can't make space for the other person the moment the other person is in a bad mood or having an intense day it disv it invalidates me and now I go crazy and now I'm upset at you and now you're triggering me I'm triggering you and it's a it's a mess now are we going to liberate ourselves from this after this year maybe I'm not sure we're going to continue to trigger each other but when you have awarness of it you could say yeah my animal Soul got very very scared I get it my my animal Soul doesn't know that I have a it thinks I'm really ugly so I could breathe I can have compassion and I could choose to step into the to my Divine Soul which is very eager to have real connection and is full of love not love from insecurity but love from expansiveness first you came at the right moment so that's the two so that's why we celebrate in the not the one we say two we don't just say they're one they're one and one they came back together they're one it's true that's that's that's a powerful idea and that's the other but we say [Music] two not only because we have another person in the family to give an extra kib to the could have said the reason he made all is because he knew somebody's going to get disappointed but as I told you he made all the so it's not just to give an extra K it's because fundamentally there's a very powerful idea here that the Mak of separation is very very real because that's the of it's the unity that comes from togetherness togetherness means it's not just one and it's not two it's three that's the that brings them together that's why is done by the it's like the that brings the and together I want to welcome R from it's one of the pillars of our from many years straight from the airport straight from the airport straight from Mar the first stop was here you remember that can I say the joke about if you give me permission I could wife the wedding oh the so Rabbi creger he got married to second marriage to his wife 27 years ago they each came into the marriage from a second this was their second marriage and each of them had nine children from their first marriage so this was a blended family of nine children that then when they got married he brought in nine children from the first marriage and she brought in nine children from the first marriage so somebody met him in when he got married the second time and he said now I understand what the Mish means when you go to the you should have 18 children so he went to the with 18 children can and H and it worked it worked huh it doesn't mean that for [Laughter] everybody can okay everybody have a beautiful and inspiring day with with boths oopsie next week I'm not here for a few days I think this I'm going to everybody is on the WhatsApp group of the Shar huh okay so now it's probably going to be Thursday and Friday the share because I have a different schedule next week yeah Monday yes no Monday not probably Thursday and Friday but I'm going to confirm on the WhatsApp B everybody have a lot [Music] of oh beautiful V you just sent me from him V beautiful V he was in yeah you went no okay I'm heading to Toronto now when you leave m in a few minutes