Let's Discuss Dating | Interactive Workshop for Young Men

the yeshiva.net welcome everyone to the special edition part two of a three-part series for shidduchim with robert why would jacobsen and tonight we're going to be focusing on the boys and i see we have um hardcore followers that are here monday night with us and they would come if we would have a show every every night of the week um which is very nice so talking about the boys tonight you're talking about the people who are um starting thinking of starting how to start what they're looking for and all the way down the road till we got questions of even the second marriages um with many many different interesting questions in between and i would say we got a lot of questions and uh the truth is an hour and a half even two hours will not be enough to be able to uh cover everything so i think we should get started straight away with the questions and admit hashem seattle dismayed everyone will be able to get out whatever they need and you can ask your questions um you could send them in with somebody else's name if you don't want and it's hashem we should um hear uh senchas [Music] again i want to start off with us thanking our corporate sponsors for making it possible tonight i recline from klein's kosher ice cream always promoting rabbit also ocean breeze cleaning good friend of mine moshi feldman with us power washing and liquid anybody who needs any power washer please contact him his number 732-276-5668 again let's just start tonight tonight is part two of part three series we're focusing on dating we started the first part was the parents role and that was an amazing share tremendous feedback it's all recorded you could go to monacombareful.com and watch it it's all over the place we got a tremendous amount of feedback from the parents tonight we're focusing hyper focusing on the boys the men in the dating world the questions are coming in are very blunt straight and we're really going to try to cover them and be very open again and we really want anybody to ask live but again the questions should be focused on the boy's point of view because we got some questions for the parents and from the girls we were mitchell after pesach forever wow i didn't confirm the date but we're going to do a cheer for the girls for all those girls not hashem we'll see that sheer and um i'll be focused for the girls but tonight since the venus mine i'm going to focus for the boys so let's start off with trevor why why and right now before you guys want to let you know we got a tremendous amount of questions a lot of very hardcore questions and people really want to get in with it tonight so the floor is yours wow thank you so so much thank you again rebecca thank you again rebosher you're keeping the jewish world busy and the rumor has it that the middle of dicker's hummus is also going to be a show so nobody nobody goes bored the night before pesach or two nights before pace of this year i'm sorry we can't do the seder together on the zoom okay so first of all thank you so much for this privilege and this invitation thank you for everybody who's gracing us with your presence i'm gonna share some opening remarks and um then we'll go right to uh the interactive workshop with questions and answers and dialogue and feedback and conversation one of the challenges i think that exists for many young men dating of different ages and different demographics is the fact that it's really a very vulnerable process you know i've heard this from many boys from many bhakram yeshiva makhara i know this for myself from relatives from friends it's very vulnerable you know for the first time in life especially if you're just starting you're out there and you're vulnerable you may get a no you may get many no's rejection is not easy people are talking about you behind your back for good reason they should be talking behind your back correct they're scrutinizing you there's calls about you they're dissecting you you know somebody's staring at you and sure you know the the future is theory wants to know how you darvin how you socialize who you are you know how much cake you eat at the kiddush what type of herring your choices and all the other important questions it's it's as a boy once told me it was it's a demeaning process and how do i deal with rejection and the other emotional uh challenges that come up during this time so i want to share perspective that i think might be helpful it's the last mission in message the tinus famous mission and the mission says that on the 15th of of tuba what happened the nicest straw would go dance in the vineyards and the mishna says omaha what would they say young man lift up your eyes and look son see what you are choosing for yourself and the mishna continues and then there's a long price on this mission at the end of massachusetts but that's not for tonight's shiite and i once heard from my rebel govaldik a question means lift up your eyes there's a possible is that taken from apostasia lift up your eyes to heaven for one second he said in yiddish at the cookston or zender medal if you're looking up if you're looking up you can't see the girl you want to see what you're choosing she has to say look at me don't look up and what if the buck is a tall baker what means what did you say i lift up your lift up your eyes you're going to see nobody going to see the sky you're not marrying the sky trying to marry a girl but the truth is the mission is saying something very profound and that is that really the act of dating is not just to look at the other person of course you have to look at the other person you want to know this is the right person for you but first and foremost you have to look up you have to look up which also means you have to look here you have to look inside you have to be able to develop a very deep relationship with yourself and with hashem and then you know to quote rip saudi coin of lublin and sitka satsadek just as you have to believe in hashem it's a mitzvah also to believe in yourself to believe in god means to believe that you're not a mistake to believe that you are hashem's ambassador in this world you're an ambassador of love light hope you have tremendous amount to give to be mashipia to this world you have tremendous amounts of resources in other words dating is not only about a relationship with somebody else it's also coming to terms with yourself trying to be comfortable in your own skin and for this i have to be able to look up to god to be able to understand how unconditionally beloved i am by hashem how i am indispensable i am an indispensable note in the cosmic symphony and i am a shliyak of the ubuna shalom to light up the world when i can come from that place in dating then i could be vulnerable then i can understand that a no is not an assassination of my essence and my soul and my character it just means it's not the right person for me i can be comfortable with the fact that yes people are analyzing me but this is what it is this is the price you pay for the miracle of building a relationship building a family and creating that eternal chain of classes cysterol an additional point that i will make before we go to the questions is may be obvious to many but i think it's important to emphasize and that is the importance the profound importance for respect sensitivity and dignity we all know that it says in smarter sometimes there are couples who struggle with different issues and they have come to great sadhikam over the generations and the responses sometimes were check if you have not hurt somebody at a previous point in your life maybe you broke up with somebody you did not apologize maybe you hurt somebody's feelings and you never expressed remorse so it's so important i say to all of you whatever you do whatever your decision is whatever your choices are to always be able to show empathy to be respectful of another person to be kind to be generous don't run and hide you don't have to be perfect you have to be accountable a boy tells me the other day they're engaged engaged a few months he wants to break up the shidduch i say i'm sorry to hear so what are you gonna do he says i'm planning to send her a text i said what he said i'm gonna send her a text to break up the how do you understand you dated this person for a few weeks you're engaged now for a few months this is where's the dignity this is how you break up or after you're engaged i had to explain this to him i was shocked i was absolutely startled what is this objectifying a person a person with a soul with emotions this is after engagement but even before engagement even when there's dating everything must be done with me this typus with respect with sensitivity with compassion and i bless all of you to be able to find your soul mates in an easy and smooth way and build the beautiful families and continue the glory as jewish tomorrow thank you hello jacobson for a beautiful opening again before we start just want to let you know we have a tremendous amount of questions that came in i'm sitting in front of 35 questions over here we'll try to cover as much as possible um it's sarah pesach um i really ask that everybody can be interactive and he has a question please text me what the question is and uh let's try to make it interactive if you turn any cameras it's again tonight's questions are focused on the bucharam i'm mandating so the questions are very straight for the men if any ladies listen that's fine you can listen but that's what it's focused on tonight why you ready ready to go okay here we go i really want a very pretty girl and a beautiful girl how much should i listen to what i want would it be crazy to drop a girl because she is not pretty enough wow that's that's that's that's a good question and um i think there are two points that i would make about this very briefly point number one is it's very important to know what you want and to pursue what you want you know i remember if i could be personal here brush i could be personal right it's all altm i was dating my dear wife and the clots i am it was taking me some time because of my own issues it wasn't her was my me so the shotgun who was an aunt of mine calls me after three or four times and says no no no no no this is the best just finished finish up as i said listen you you want me to you want me to get engaged yeah yeah i said so if you want me to get engaged to her then i have to get engaged if you if you want to get engaged you can get engaged it's very important to have the confidence that it's your life ultimately so therefore to get engaged under pressure and this is just a general statement is not a good idea very very not a good idea you know you have to be there and if there's something that's really important for you you want to pursue it you can't live for other people at some point you have to embrace who you are what your priorities are so that's number one it's important if something is important to you be open be honest acknowledge it and don't run away from it just to appease other people or to look good and fit into other people's expectations that's number one however number two it's equally important to be able to have real people in your life who are giving you feedback with whom you can share what you're going through in a very honest way whether it's parents uncles aunts or a shiva rabia therapist a rabbi yamashi a mentor a life coach but people who are wise empathetic sensitive who care for you who love you because what sometimes happens in life is we get fixated on something and short term it looks like the most important thing in the world but we may not see the full picture so it's so important to pursue what you want but to get real feedback about what you really want do you know your priorities do you understand what it means to build a family together i'll tell you a story that happened a little while ago okay a girl called me maybe this is for the girls session but it's i think for everybody it was a certain that i tried to help with so she tells me i can't i'm telling you exactly as it happened i can't go out with this guy i say why not she says i go to the movies once a week she comes from a nice yeshivish from family but she's you know she she has her own style a little bit of an older girl she's i go to the movies once a week thursday night this is her lil shishi queers some people go to each one she goes and i need my husband to be able to come with me to the movies and he doesn't want so therefore this is not a so i said listen you know i just want to tell you something about life you know okay you'll get married you go to the movies thursday night another thursday god willing do you want to have children she said yeah i said okay hopefully after a year two years god will bless you with a child okay you know what you're going to want to do thursday night you're going to want to go to sleep thursday night okay and what may happen do you want another child i said yeah i want a lot of children she wants i said you'll be blessed with another child and another child life becomes a little more a little different and to marry somebody based on they go with you to the movies or not how much do you think of marriage life is going to the movies how much even if it's very very important for you and what happens if you don't go with him you're gonna maybe go once in six months let's say you don't go with him you go with a girlfriend is it gonna is it gonna diminish the marriage is there trust is there loyalty can you guys connect with each other so it's very important i'm just giving a stamina it's an interesting example but i think it's very important to be able to pursue what you want but also to really figure out what you really want not only short term but long term the next question is i want to start dating i think i'm ready to build a home and have a wife build a family but i don't feel i can handle being dumped by a girl in the dating process wow that's a great question i don't feel i don't feel i can be dumped it's very hard it's hard and we all know how many tears are often shed by young men and young women after one of them is rejected or they both reject each other especially after a few dates so first of all it's painful it hurts especially you invested unishama you know you got dressed you may travel somewhere you put in time energy research mental space it's not easy i don't have to tell you guys it takes it takes energy takes kayak and you give it all you got and you did it once and you reject it in a second time and it's at some point people say vival is a sheer it's too much and this one was going well you thought wow it's amazing you know five dates six date seven dates and then boom she says i don't think we're for each other it is very very difficult but let me give you the alternative maybe this will make it a little easier a boy called me a few years ago and he said we dated nine times she in his words she's crazy about me she wants to get married to me but i don't think it's for me so i say so why are you continuing he says because i don't have the heart to break her heart i don't have the heart to break her heart i like her i don't love her i don't want to get married to her but i like i respect her as a person i don't want to break her heart so i said um let's think about this my dear let's think about this you don't want to break our hearts so what are we going to do we're going to date another seven times so now it's going to be from nine times going to become 16 times at this point she's going to be very deeply connected to you and then you're going to say no he says i don't know what i'm going to do i said okay so you're going to get engaged to a girl you don't want to be married to just so that you shouldn't break her heart and how is she going to feel the day she finds out that you never really wanted her you only said yes because you were afraid to say no because she will feel bad don't you think that's going to break her heart much more so i said let me explain to you let me explain this to you it's hard but just understand the alternative your wife deserves to have a husband who's crazy about her just like you deserve to have a wife who's crazy about you by saying no you're doing the person a favor and i'm only doing yourself a favor because if i'm not gonna be the husband of your dreams you're not gonna be the wife of my dreams if if we're not if we're not deeply deeply connected to each other committed to each other loyal to each other if we don't feel that we are the couple so then by saying yes i'm not just hurting myself i'm hurting you i'm not giving you the soulmate you deserve so look at the no as actually doing a favor to the other person even though it's painful so i want you to think of that the same way when it comes to you by her saying no to you what she's really saying is i'm not the person who's going to be crazy about you i'm not the person that your neshama deserves every person has their their soulmate what we call thereby share it even if there's more than one but there are those who god designated for you so even though it's painful but don't look at it as a mistake as a statement that you're worthless you're valueless now we go there it triggers thoughts and if you go back to all the trauma sessions with uh today the key word is trauma drama trauma trauma trauma we all have trauma so certainly and i don't mean this as a drug i also have are you saying you just know you're causing pst ptsd i heard the bush at the end of one of the sessions told rabbi russell i'm traumatized just from the sheer that's your trauma halaway everybody's trauma would be the trauma from listening to a shirt about trauma we all have our traumas and that's norm and that's normal and it triggers it she said no why did she say no here again i'm a shemata i'm a nebba i'm a loser i'm an idiot i'm a i'm a goyle man i'm a fair and i'm a shake it's and all the good words you may tell yourself you have to acknowledge that but don't worship those thoughts i say before sanne that's where you have to lift up your eyes to be abundant and say i'm a child of hashem i am i have infinite dignity dignity my soul is a helicopter as it says it's why my soul is a piece of hashem and therefore you can handle a no because you are bigger and larger than every no you will ever receive in life all right greg we're having live questions coming in over here let's jump to some live okay ron um here's the question like dating feels very robotic there's so many rules you gotta keep to the rules you gotta open the door you gotta you can't call before the date to set up the date what and it makes the whole day anything very unnatural like i just want to meet the girl because it's so robotic the whole thing what rules could you break to make it less robotic it's like that's a great question somebody once sent me a joke i don't know uh you know it's it's a buckham joke but it was a good one somebody once said you know when you see a guy holding open the door for a woman it's one of two things either it's a new wife or it's a new car the question i want to ask you is i see most of the rules really just as formal boundaries and structures to be able to protect the dignity of people but i think once you're feeling more comfortable with each other you know after one two three days a lot of people stop using the shotgun you know you exchange telephone numbers then really you're on your own i mean we always want to conform to the rules of decency and respect and ava cicero and covert habrias those are rules that are the the baseline of civilization you know to respect somebody's feelings to show empathy um it's very important for boys i wouldn't call this a rule i would just call this you know decency empathy a boy a girl told me you know boy dropped her off it was it was it was somewhat of a dangerous neighborhood and he just drove away you don't do that my dear bachrim i'm not blaming you you grew up in yeshiva in a dormitory with other boys you know you drop over the back i mean you say have a good day if you have to jump in the leg jump in the lake but when you're dropping off a girl ten o'clock at night eleven o'clock at night one o'clock in the morning or whatever right you walk her to the door of her home if she's not comfortable with that you open the window and you stay there until she gets into the house these are not rules that cause conformity these are rules simply to show menstruat this is this is basically it's at night she's a girl she's vulnerable so those are rules you never want to disregard not during dating and hopefully not during engagement and marriage you always want to display that but if you if you're talking about some rules that are keeping both of you up tight at some point you know melt the ice and you want to open each other up to deeper more vulnerable more authentic conversation because without that you're not going to get anywhere so it's it's up to both of you you know to jump into the jump into the water together brought up the at the end of the date whether you leave the car or walk into the house you said if she's how do you figure out if she's comfortable you ask her like of course of course you can ask her you can say you know i would like to walk you to your home or walk into your apartment are you fine with that she may say thank you and blush she may say no need but that means you should go no need means you should go if she says no no please you know there's you know there's people in the hallway i would rather not okay so you say i'm gonna wait here the window is open and of course you wait till the key is in the doorknob the door is open and she's on the other side so these are these are not rules you know to keep people uptight these are they're called rules of engagement it's called hillcrest derek eretz relationships the basics of relationships there's so many more questions try to cover ground there's still a few more live ones but anybody wants that slide please text me now so we could we can get to it um questions like this i feel incredibly pressured to have my career and financial vision clear before i am confident to date i was raised with parents that were always tied financially and i feel if i put myself in the right situation beforehand i'll be more comfortable what would be a healthy perspective okay good very very good question good questions guys and the answer to your question is i don't want to mention the word shrama again but the fact is that people who grew up in homes where parents are financially stressed out they are often stressed out about money right abasha you know if your father freaked out every time you bought something or your mother bought something it's going to create triggers in you for many many years i know somebody whose parents were always tread they had money but they were still stressed out about money you know that's a kiddish you have money you're still stressed about money because it's not about the money it's about the stress and and this person every time they they buy an extra piece of chicken they're stressed every time they have to buy shoes they have money but they're still stressed so it's important first of all to acknowledge that and have compassion for that experience and really i would say that in this issue you know there's what's called uh the derek derek islam means the way of the world and i don't mean the secular world i mean the way of of the terror world and that is of course it's important to be responsible and it's important to uh support our wife and support our children it's a mitzvah to work and support our families and that's our obligation in the xuv and the fact that you're conscientious and you're responsible and you're thinking about that that's wonderful but don't allow it to hinder you to paralyze you to make you meshuga to make you stressed out to make you overwhelmed hashem even if you're dating after you get engaged there's still time to the wedding and after the wedding till the family grows there's a few years so allow yourself breathing space this is not a reason to stop everything and say i'm not gonna get married until i'm secure i once met somebody a couple they were in their late 30s and they spoke to me about how much they would like to have a child so i said so why don't you work on that so she told me i'm now climbing the ladder to career when i get to the top of the ladder then i'm gonna have a child and i told her i said you know the clock ticks and unfortunately you may have regrets but people often get so overwhelmed with their financial situation that they lose the bigger picture so yes it's good to be responsible but let it not become an overwhelming source of anxiety and stress you'll do what you have to do and you'll have atslach hazon asylum cool you'll do what you do but i don't think you should because of that stop and hold back on everything here's a question from a 22 year old who would like to start dating my parents tell me that i'm not ready i feel i am and i've told my parents many times but it looks like we're not on the same page my parents think i'm not ready to date i think i am we're simply not on the same page that's a great question now for me to answer that question i have to ask another question what type of relationship do you have with your parents do your parents know you do you have open conversations with your parents why do your parents say you're not ready is it something that resonates are your parents out for lunch are your parents aware of something that you're not acknowledging i don't know the answer to these questions so it's so hard i do act sometimes like a little baby fighting with my siblings but i don't think it's gonna happen after i go out yeah i hope you won't be fighting on the dates you try to delay the fighting to the latest stage hopefully you can eliminate it but but so do your parents don't understand that i mean this is really a conversation that you have to have with your parents if there's mama's no no way to negotiate in something and your parents are healthy normal people and they care about you and they love you maybe an option is to go to a third person maybe somebody who knows you who knows them maybe a rabbi who's wise and trusted and a confidant and experienced maybe a therapist in the community maybe somebody else but maybe it's good to get another perspective somebody who's a little more objective to be able to make shalom buyers between you and your parents okay let's go to the next question over there okay it's a common question but it's two questions i'm just gonna combine it okay i've gone out with a good girl and everything went fine i just can't make a decision i don't know why yes or why no i'm having trouble making decisions to continue and give a yes or to give or to give enough and and he writes the reason why i have an issue to say yes is because like you said before the more i date her the more i'm gonna have a harder time dropping right okay so a few of i would just give you a few pieces of advice the first thing is it's so important to be able to have somebody with whom you can process everything that is happening it's great if you can do it with your parents but you may not be able to do it with your parents for whatever reason maybe one of your parents maybe both of your parents but you have to have somebody maybe a teacher maybe a rabbi a rebel over a shiva a therapist a coach an older person but somebody who is not just your age you know and inexperienced somebody with who has das who has maturity who has experience who cares for you as empathy very important just to process everything what are you seeing what are you hearing what are you experiencing and don't ignore things even small things don't say that was nothing no bring it up if it's nothing it's nothing sometimes people ignore little things but it turns out those little things are big things so you know talk it over the passage says there is there's worry there's concern in a person's heart like says yes says we have to talk it out of it's a way verbalizing the verbalizing your experiences is very very important in order to process your experiencing your experiences and be able to make the right decision that's number one number two you have to be able to really ask yourself do i know what i'm looking for am i capable of making a decision why am i not making a decision i might not make a decision but it's not what i'm looking for am i not making a decision because there is fear inside of me am i frightened of making a commitment is this girl a person whom i would really like to marry in terms of describing her qualities objectively these are the type of traits dispositions medicine values characteristics looks that are appealing to me that are meaningful to me that are attractive to me so what is it or are there some or maybe i'm not afraid i'm happy to do it but there's there are concerns here what are the concerns are they big things are they small things are they core issues you know we all have issues in life that are really really important to us these are core issues that are non-negotiable for me are these non-negotiable issues or maybe they are negotiable these are all questions that you have to answer and you may not be able to answer them all by yourself you may need the feedback the help the assistance the reassurance of somebody else you know i and nobody else can answer these questions for you but when you answer these questions hopefully you can make a decision whether to continue whether not to continue and then if it's right if it's right and if it's wrong you'll be able to say in a very respectful and kind way you know i really don't think this is going to work out between us okay this is from a 27 year old i'm 27 now and have gone out with many girls doing this for many years and i'm basically burned out what physique can rabbit huawei give me yeah it's hard you're 27 you've gone out with so many so many girls and you're just burnt out you know you feel that the battery is uh the battery is dying yeah it's it's it's it's not easy it's difficult and i'm sorry but i want to share something that i think could be helpful and i say again the words that the mishnah chooses this is the only mishna we have about dates that's why it's such an important mission we talk about dating with bay is the end of the fourth panic of tightness the girl tells the boy if you want to find the right girl you first have to lift up your eyes and i think it's so important to realize that life and what happens to us in life is not a mistake the famous rashi in in rashi says in rosh hashanah that kal haquiro is every event that happens with a person is big zerus melech is a direct a direct under the direct providence protest of the reborn in other words it's part of your soul's mission why your neshama has to go through all these journeys and all these dates until it finds its soulmate i don't know every soul has its own schlichters marduk tells esther miyai why did you from all the basiaco girls esther was valedictorian of basiacov by surah benoysian by anna they and shalamut and bruya she was the valedictorian of all of them and she ends up with this persian chicken i don't know but there's a plan there's a mission for every person and the worst thing you can do is give up on yourself and surrender to despair every single person sitting here in this room with us every person who's going to watch this has gone through many experiences in life not all of them were comfortable sometimes they're difficult what we could say is me a day i don't know why but what i do know is that somehow this is a journey that your soul needs to take in order for it to be able to fulfill its slickest in this world maybe certain things you have to learn maybe certain things these girls have to learn from you think about that you never know the balchemt have said that a soul comes down for 70 80 years to do a favor for one jew physically or spiritually maybe there is something that you gave one of these girls that you dated and that's part of why your nashamah came down to the world maybe it was a compliment maybe it was a gesture maybe there was a girl who saw you uplifted i don't know but what i do know is my dearest friend don't be a victim don't become a carbon don't look at yourself and say here i go my whole class is married and we do this we do this i got married one of the last ones in my class not the last but one of the last and you know emotionally it's hard you go to one wedding and another wedding and another wedding you know and when you were 22 it was exciting you remember the weddings were exciting right you remember the first weddings of the class it's like the bamitzvas you remember the fruits bar mitzvahs right it was exciting and then you know like you know when is my turn and it's hard these are these are these are normal human emotions but what i what i beg of you and what i encourage you is don't become that victim realize that you have your path your schliches your mission don't stop living while you're dating it's a mistake we often make till i'm married i'm not alive i'm hatsy dead there's no such a thing there's no such a thing you're not half dead you're not semi-alive you're going through you're going through a journey i'm going to tell you a beautiful beautiful vart from the rocket chaver gone gone writes rabbi joseph rosen these are the journeys and maishurabenu records every single journey right now and he says you know the torah is trying to teach us that the journey is also part of the destination it's not just life is about the destination when am i going to get there and if i can avoid the traffic and i can avoid the highway i can avoid the eggs i could avoid the airport i can avoid the airplane my taiwan i also don't like hanging out in airports i also don't like driving down the hill i want to be there already but the fact that the reboiler shallow made that to get from point a to point c i have to go through point b point b is not a mistake point b is essential to my solicitors and since i'm talking to yeshiva barker so i'm going to add a fascinating idea that trevor brings there and the mishnah messages welcome for those of you who are coming from brisk or still in bris you're going back to brisk and you're learning you remember the in mishnah there's three in the mission over there means bringing the blood from the animal to the mizbayach and if you have a thought if a cayenne has a thought that he or she that he's going to do something with the carbon inappropriately while he while he receives the blood or while he sprinkles the blood it disqualifies the carbon but the kidneys even during even while he's bringing the blood to the altar and the question is what happens if you don't need the meaning you shake to the bahama right near the altar said not necessary so is there piggle during or not so there's a big argument that the raka trevor explains explain something very powerful and he says that even though is not essential because if you shake the animal right near the altar you didn't have to do so it's not essential so it's not real avoider because it's not always there but if you shakhta the behemoth further to get to the mizbeh you have to do so itself becomes an avaidha the journey itself this is an allah the journey itself assumes the status the khalois of a real avoider and therefore that that the carbon could become possible then you're now in the state of you're in a state of movement in a state of flux so it's often difficult it's challenging you have to have compassion for your emotions and and embrace your emotions and there is an element of of of sadness or grief there's an element of pain let's put it that way but hashgraphically i want you to be able to internalize the emotion that this journey is not a mistake it's allowing you to become the person you're supposed to become which is essential to the home that you're going to build and that we all look forward to celebrate with you okay let's go to this question i'm dating and we are having a great time together and i really started liking this girl i'm noticing that her mother is overly involved in her life her mother yeah her mother and all her siblings lives not in a typical way i'm starting to feel that the mother might have some signs of mental illness that will really affect our relationship if it continues what do you say about something like that yeah yeah so you're afraid that your future mother-in-law may have mental illness and this can affect your relationship in the future very connected she's very connected you feel that she's controlling the girl's life a lot i guess you know there's no way for anybody unless a prophet and i'm not a prophet not the son of a prophet to be able to say okay leave this or run into this the proper approach is this is what's called a red flag it calls for further inquiry and investigation a few suggestions number one can you have an open conversation with her about this this is important what's her perspective she grew up with this woman if you're feeling close to her and she's feeling close to you this is an important conversation a girl's relationship with a mother is quite a vital ingredient in life so can you have an open conversation with her number one can you find out more about the mother and you have to find out from people who will be honest with you guys and your family you have to have people who are close to your family who will tell you the truth can we find out more about this mother sometimes it's not mental illness sometimes she's just very very very involved sometimes she may not know her boundary whatever there's so many different experiences so if this is just something you want to further investigate look into try to see what's going on now i should say let's say she does have mental illness let's say she has for you to give this diagnosis based on the impression you're getting from the girl the dating i don't know if that's an appropriate thing a diagnosis is a very very serious thing especially when it comes to mental illness with the with the diet where where the research is still nebulous so it's just very very important you know that a diagnosis comes with a lot of a lot of maturity and a lot of research and out of responsibility but even say you know that she has mental illness you know does that mean for sure that you have to dismiss your no maybe yes but maybe not maybe this girl is a much better person because of it this girl may be an exceptional exceptional person she may be refined she may have had to endure some difficult moments in life that really made her into an extraordinary gem and you may be lucky to be with her or khashwa shalom it could have had other consequences my point is let's take a deep breath and find out more before we reach conclusions and the most important thing is you have to see how it's actually impacting this girl now and in the future by connecting to her and having conversations with her excellent somebody just texted him let's read this one i have very good relationship with my parents i became more from in yeshiva and i'm holding in a different place than my parents how do i navigate between asking my rebbe for advice or my parents who want the best for me but not fully understanding the aspect to it yeah i'm gonna answer this question in a moment but i just want to add because somebody just wrote to me how do you give such an answer mental illness is hereditary i just want to say one thing one second before we go into that we got quite a few questions i mentioned all this week i want to get into that shortly okay and you know this is a very big subject yes yes yes we'll get into it i don't want to jump onto that right now if it's that okay okay so so this this this boy became more religious than his parents so what's the issue more from okay and he's completely holding it a different place and his parents are are you know unless you're the word more moderately more or whatever you know i mean okay listen between his rebbe and his parents sometimes parents come to me and they say oh yo yo yo my kid went there it just slowly became so froome and i look at them and i say you know if your kid's got to rebel baruch hashem that this is the rebellion so your parents should be very thankful because the fact is even from a human and social point of view today year is shamayim following living a life of your shamaya is not just good for alam it's also very good for the masa in terms of loyalty in terms of boundaries in terms of respect in terms of midestivis i'm not saying every front person has a good marriage i'm not saying that at all what i am saying is that a life that is dedicated to terror mitzvahs is one that is extremely conducive to be able to cultivate a beautiful and beautiful marriage in terms of your parents i think it's important to remember two things first of all always respect your father and mother always and remember they're the ones who brought you to the world they're the ones who raised you furthermore they probably get credit for the fact that you had the courage to be able to decide to move your yiddish guide to get more involved in your yiddish guy they probably get part of the credit for that too just remember that i'm not sure but yeah it says even the offer ben comes from the kayak so it's important to always show respect to your parents but it's also important to know who you are and what your priorities are i have to respect my father and mother but if my father tells me don't go to that yeshiva i don't want you learning in that yeshiva but i want to go to that yeah i go to that yeshiva and if my father said i don't want you marrying this girl when it comes to kimberdawe aim you don't have to listen to your father and mother because this is your life you may want to listen to your father and mother because your father may know something about you but you don't have to so the point is don't see it as a contradiction your parents are forever your parents love them be close to them if i bring with them enjoy life with them remember how much they love you and remember there's very few people who are going to take a bullet for you hopefully nobody will ever have to but there's very few people who will take a bullet for you and one of them is probably your mother and your father so it's always important to have that perspective and yet in a very respectful way you can explain to your parents when it's necessary who you are what you believe in what type of life you want to build for yourself what type of home you want to create don't don't make that choice of either or it shouldn't very seldom that we have to make that choice we always want to you know try to be able to balance both components when i was going to mention one thing after last year i just want to mention that i got also a few calls on mental health a little bit and there's you know organizations that deal with it they'll deal with it mental health is a very broad topic and there's a lot of different levels and uh you know so many core members you know there's a lot of people that should be on medication they don't take medication they both because they don't want to have a label of medication and then they start dating and then ah and then the people that are actually taking the phrase and going to the therapist and getting the basic help they need they they're they shouldn't get married as long as they're cleared as long as you know people have that but i just to put that out there we'll get more into it a little bit but let's okay disclaimer [Music] i'm not a therapist i'm out of this i'm out of that well after another year or two of these sessions you can get your degree i'm a client okay you can get a degree as a client maybe certified i said i said okay to dating a girl who is on antidepressants my friends and family are warning me to stay far away from from people who take any kind of medication i don't know and i don't know how i feel about it and definitely don't want to get myself into a big mess but maybe that's not the case excellent question the girl is an antidepressant the family is warning him about it he's not sure he doesn't want to get into a mess maybe it's not an issue and the answer only the and the right answer to that question is that i'm not the person to give an answer to that question what has to what should be done is if you were my best friend i would tell you a few things first of all it's so important for you to speak to her doctor ask her permission you want to be able to have you maybe your mother your father maybe you somebody else to have an open and frank conversation with a doctor to understand what's going on number one number two i would consult another doctor who's not involved a writer you did another doctor who is a friend of the family who cares for you to find out more about what she's going through is there a diagnosis what are the symptoms what are the experiences of her life have an open conversation with her try to investigate much more so you should be able to make a sober decision you want to be able to make a decision from a place of power and strength and confidence and sobriety not from a place of fear and not from a place of rumors and not from a place of disinformation find out all the facts whatever we know we don't know everything but whatever we know we want to find out it's important for her to be able to be honest with you and you should be able to feel that how is she dealing with that what type what what does what does her past look like what does her life look like now and the more information you have the more resources you'll be able to make a real decision you may say you know what this girl is an unbelievable person and maybe because of her pain and maybe because of the anxiety or the other challenges she experienced her soul her neshama is just something that is so deep and so beautiful you know let's let's be very very honest and that is that some of the greatest heroes and some of the greatest souls of the jewish people are those who endure tremendous internal suffering because the empathy that they have the courage that they have their muna that they have the spirituality that they have you're not going to find in other people they're sometimes the greatest of the great on the other hand there is a challenge here there is a serious challenge here and both sides have to be taken into consideration so you you'll be able to make a sober decision and say yes she's an antidepressant yes she has had this challenge but i see how she's dealing with it i see how she's handling it and you know what this is what i want i love her i'm crazy about this person or you'll say no there's many risks maybe there's different things that i have to be afraid of find out everything and it's also extremely important this is a very important idea when it comes to mental illness i'm not saying this is a doctor i'm just saying this as a person who deals with people quite frequently and deals with a lot of therapists and psychiatrists and psychologists and rabbis there's a difference between somebody who takes accountability somebody who doesn't take accountability if i'm suffering from a mental illness or from another trauma that's really affecting me but i'm taking accountability i acknowledge that this is my struggle i show up to my struggle every day i don't blame the world i don't blame other people and i do what i have to do whatever it is whether it's my exercise whether it's my yoga my pilates my mindfulness my meditation my davening my jogging my learning my journals my dancing my swimming whatever it is i have to do and i do it and i do it consistently and i'm committed to it sometimes these are the greatest people you will ever meet on planet earth it's not about perfection all of us have challenges it's really about taking responsibility taking accountability so that is also a key key issue well i just want to jump on this question let me just step in and i want to go back to the mental health a lot of questions on that okay i feel like because i have certain things on my record example i have a history from high school i've had a broken engagement other examples couldn't be i've also had divorce parents which close circle family friends obey know that this built me into the person i am today so even though now i come across as a serious budding talmud broad personality and get read what are seemingly good ideas and get a lot of no's with no other side similarly not having done with a lot of research what can i do as far as establish-wise a and b is their incentive or four in our system basically i'm just going to read that question because of where he came from he had his mistakes and he grew himself and built himself he's getting a lot of notes because of his history because of a speckle of what happened then so a what could he do is and b is that a form system that we're judging based on not who he is right the answer to your question both points is i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna discuss the second question first is this a flawed system there are flaws in the system it may be it may not be in other words the fact that people are concerned if they hear about certain events that happen that's a normal thing you would also be if you needed your child to date right and you would hear about a girl or a boy who has some i don't know about your history but assuming that there were some challenges there that you went through it's worth investigating it's worth finding out right if you hear about a boy or a girl from 16 to 21 they were involved in xyz i would want to know the information i think it's wrong to make a conclusion based on hearing a story without hearing the aftermath because sometimes as we know the gemara says right but malcolm shabbali and the main summit right where about suva stands even the greatest sadhaka can't stand that's an opinion in barack islamic and that's what the who ramapaska trivipera gimbal even though there's another opinion the point is to make a conclusion based on somebody's past event based on a past event without knowing any information about what had transpired i think is is problematic but just looking into things that happen i don't think it's problematic i think it's being sober and being honest and trying to know trying to know the facts so i think that distinction that distinction is important number one in terms of your own life i would say to you my dear friend my dear brother even though i don't know you personally but i would say you need a special shidduch that god is preparing for you because since you have been through a lot and you went through different experiences and you made mistakes and you rebounded from failure and you experienced a divorce in your own home and you really are a self-made man so you need a special girl you need a girl who has similar qualities and who will really be able to appreciate you so all the no's that you're getting may be very very good because you actually need a girl who will be able to tune into your depth you must have a depth and a maturity to you that is unique because of everything you went through i don't know all the details but it sounds like there's quite a story there so you need a person who will really appreciate you so probably you should appreciate many of the no's that you're getting because you know somebody who cannot appreciate what you did to your life and how you reinvented yourself doesn't really deserve you what should your heishtadles be your toddlers should be to be you you be you live life to the fullest remember that god loves you unconditionally and believes in you and takes pride god loves you the way you are but takes pride in what you can be and live up to that person you become that person that you can be continue to grow continue to grow in your terror in your avodah hashem in yugoslavia in your yiddish continue to grow and you know what good people will take note and good girls will take note and uh i think good things will happen okay okay this is the this is the question that uh somebody came up with me personally today to ask for that general medication question for someone that's on standard antidepressants or anti-anxiety when is the proper time holologically or in general to tell the other side a b should i tell shatchanam that i have this and then to mix into that also what about the difference between mental health versus physical health conditions or medications on this topic for example somebody i know his daughter had diabetes and they didn't say anything till the third date and once they liked each other said by the way i take insulin i have like you know so it's a general medication slash and is there a difference between medic mental medication versus physical ailments that people might have excellent question excellent question when do you reveal about medication what about mental health what about a physical illness ailment etc so before coronavirus i was at a nephesh conference which is a conference of many religious jewish therapists from the tri-state area and we were there a whole shabbos with derov of its my dear senior colleague haragandrap david khalin shlita and he fielded many questions and he proposed with the sources that he gave rap david cayenne he proposed that basically these types of things should be communicated after three or after four dates which means you could choose to say everything at the onset you could choose that's a choice people make which which is which is a great choice however he explained that sometimes it's an automatic no you know it's an automatic no on the other hand to wait till you're engaged is geneva's das it's deceiving somebody and even deep into the dates it becomes so hard so therefore normally he said the number is approximately i think he's had three or four dates where there is some you know there's some relationship there's some connection there's some trust you know you've gone out at this time for three four times this trust and then now during the date you could explain what you're going through what you're experiencing what you're enduring and then the person has a choice to make a decision they can either say it's not for us they may want to do more investigation and so forth i would say that some things especially things that are obviously you know you know i think that things that are connected you know certain medical conditions you may want to share right away you know if it's like a certain medical condition but again i don't know that there's one rule around here you may want to discuss your particular case with with the posic with a rav or murder hero who's experienced in this area but the general rule is you know just to divulge information to everybody i don't see the point in it you want to do things with seiko to wait till after you're engaged or married is deceptive it's wrong you can't go into a shoulda fooling a girl or fooling a boy just just not right they have to know you know what what they're what they're getting involved with and the point and the especially if there's a mental challenge and of course a medical challenge and of course medication and you also have the right and the duty to contextualize it to put it in perspective you know if you're taking medication maybe for many years for anxiety you may want to tell the girl i have anxiety let me tell you about it and before you get alarmed you know you could talk to my therapist and you may find out that this guy you know is amazing you know he's functional he's wonderful he's incredible he's empathetic so i would not as i said don't get alarmed make a sober decision based on facts based on data you could say no if you want to say no you could say no but let the no come from a place of strength and empowerment and also not from the delusion that we are the perfect family and we don't connect to people who are not perfect for my little experience in life the only people who i know that are perfect are the people i don't know the only marriages i know that are perfect are the marriages i don't know sometimes the difference between families is not if they're perfect and not perfect it's just if they deal with it or they just put it under the rug sometimes the perfect families you know god bless us when their demons come out because they have been under the rug for a long time so just let's remember that in humility none of us are perfect we have to be sensitive empathetic you know labeling people our family is the perfect this family is not for us maybe this is not a good to find but that decision should come from humility from strength from a place of empathy from deep awareness and introspection not from just external judgmentalism and dismissing somebody because they don't fit exactly into the model that maybe challenges me even though this may be an exceptional shidduch for your boy and girl and it's exactly what they need after spending much time with a girl and then she dumps me what should i do to help myself manage with the rejection how do i stop thinking about the girl who i thought would be my wife how do we deal emotionally with rejection i thought she's gonna be my wife i'm crying night after night the pillowcase is wet and asaba once told me i don't have to wash nagawasa in the morning the tears are the negovasa and you know what this can take a while if if you really cherished her and you felt the connection to her and her love towards her and you felt she's going to be your wife it may take a while and it's very normal it's normal there was an excitement there was a passion and you have to respect that there's something called grief there's an element of grief you know we talk about in grief counseling rebel nakam you know they talk a lot about the different stages right yes so people deny people bargain people get angry we grieve and then we can accept so there's different stages that you may have to experience and one of them is simply grief over something that looked promising something that looked so beautiful and your dreams have been shattered and don't deny it don't repress it don't feel guilty about it it's hard it's hard talk to people talk to the rebena shell islam kihuiyadi it's training he knows you best talk to hashem kenz and you could cry talk to somebody you trust talk to a few people you trust and this is a normal ordinary process you don't have to judge it it's not it doesn't mean you're sick it doesn't mean you're crazy it doesn't mean you're codependent it doesn't mean you're obsessive i don't know you but doesn't mean that it just means a dream was shattered and it's very hard it's very hard and you know what happens the luchas are broken and you know what happens god says and now we're going to make a second look us we're going to make the second luchas and and from the brokenness you're going to be able to look at your life and say but we're going to rebuild and it's going to be great and i'm going to find somebody and it's going to be wonderful do not turn yourself into the loser do not do that a dream has been shattered and that's very very painful it's painful and i want to grieve and now from that grief i want to go to the next stage i'm going to rebuild my second luchas and you know what all of us in life some people call the second mountain we all have it in life you know we climb a mountain it's the first mountain we're on top of the mountain it's amazing life is perfect and then at some point you know we fall down from the first mountain and then we all climb a second mountain it's called don't have the innocence of lukhis rashinas but they have a depth and a maturity that is much deeper than lukhis rashidus they don't teach it in yeshiva this roller coaster yeah yeah yeah listen we often teach we often teach about perfection you know we often teach about shleimos um i once saw there's a beautiful void from the mahershall marshall was one of the gedaliach rav of lublin rip shlimaluria but he says something very powerful unbelievable you know what martial says he says because every marriage is like the marriage between hashem and the jewish people and what happened by the marriage of hashem and the jewish people the look is broke so we break the glass because the look is broke the first marriage broke and i'm thinking bonus shalom that's that's what you're doing at hopper it's like guys get ready for the look is breaking what's the point the point is that in life sometimes our dreams are shattered you know we fall off that first mountain and we have to understand that when that happens grieve but don't surrender to the spear because salah hashtag you're going to sculpture two new tablets and you're always gonna have place in your aren for the shivre luchas there's always place for that sense of brokenness disappointment but you're gonna be able to sculpture two new looks don't worry we have two questions over here i want to combine them the the similar combining them anyway okay sure they'll tell me if we can answer them together it's two separate things it's attraction chemistry so the first question is i went out five times with a great girl she's smart she's deep i love the conversations the one issue i'm having with her i'm not finding her physically attractive is this a reason to stop dating or to continue to see if she grows on on me risking the fact that if i don't get engaged or it will break her heart up more that's question a question b the girl i'm dating is a very good girl all around she has all the traits i'm looking for and she's a very nice looking but i just don't feel any chemistry should i wait it will come or just not a for me there's no not physical but there's no like connection a lot of guys go out and they go i went out the girl she's good but i just don't feel anything right okay beautiful questions i think the answer to your first question is it seems to me that if there's so many things about this girl that you really appreciate and cherish and in terms of her values and her perspectives and her priorities you really feel that this is a good i think it's worth investing more time it's important that you should like what the girl looks like you know there should be an attraction there should be an emotional chemistry and emotional connection at least to some at least to some level um when people tell a bugger you know you don't have to be attracted at all it's all going to happen later i think you have to be very very careful with such advice especially today so but i think it's i i think it seems to me from what you're saying that it's advisable to invest more and you know sometimes attraction comes with more vulnerability physical attraction comes with more vulnerability so maybe it's time to take the conversations the next level maybe it's time to open up a little more to encourage her to open up you know maybe it's time to spill the beans to be able to have real raw honest vulnerable conversations about yourself about your your your challenges your fears your insecurities and encourage her because very often when we become raw with each other a lot of other things happen including attraction so at this point from from all the beautiful descriptions you're describing i don't think i would just stop it you know continue if there's moments no attraction whatsoever at some point you may um you may have to stop it and yet there's always the risk of of breaking a person's heart it starts hard but remember i told you i said in the beginning if if if you're not attracted to her you're doing her a favor by saying no not only doing yourself a favor she doesn't deserve to be married to a husband who's not attracted to her so you'll be breaking your heart much more if you get married to her to a person you're not attracted to just always remember that we're not saying no because we're narcissistic selfish undomesticated male beasts that's not what noah is about no is about because providence does not think that we should be married to each other at least from our experience and perspective which is the best we can do in terms of the second question she's a great girl on paper but your mama's not feeling any chemistry i think it's important to feel chemistry it's important to have a mashika saleve it's important to feel an emotional chemistry it's important to feel a general chemistry but and i would continue it you know again if everything is so good on paper you know maybe there's something holding you back ask yourself sometimes it's not about the girl am i overwhelmed am i nervous am i anxious am i afraid of relationships am i afraid of emoting do you have a problem with emotions generally let me ask you a question forget about this girl do you know how to emote do you know how to say i love you are you close with your parents are you close with your siblings do you have close friends are your emotions turned off if your emotions are turned over it's nothing about the girl sometimes the faucet of our emotions is turned over that's a very internal journey that's going to be with any girl she could be the best girl in the world so instead of looking at her you have to look at yourself again you know baker for this you got to lift up your eyes to god and say god give me love god open my heart so these are important questions you have to ask yourself or maybe it's not about you maybe there's simply no chemistry so i would i would i would pursue it longer i would try to be more open more honest with each other you know dig a little deeper and you'll see sometimes it takes time someone takes time you know sometimes people are more intellectual some people are more introverted sometimes you also need her to come out a little bit you know you have to feel her energy are you feeling her energy sometimes girls are very very shy and she's not letting you feel her grace her electricity maybe when you'll feel her electricity a lot of interesting things will happen so i hope you get what i'm saying let's let's pursue all these options right boy i'm trying to condense questions we have so many over here i have another one right here two okay yes it's a similar question i was reading two versions of it some of my friends have gotten married and the group is and we have a group that are not married we're having a good time we're partying we're traveling we're living up the married ones seem to be stuck at home and not having so much fun i want to get married but i also feel like i'm going to lose my capital that's the first question second question is how do you adjust your mindset from going from a single guy and and coming and going to being tied down to a girl just the thought of it is getting me nervous [Laughter] yeah i will buckle your questions let's get real real bakrisha questions huh okay he says he's having fun with all the bachelors and he feels bad for all of his friends who are married they're not prisoners in their own home and just the thought of getting married already he's giving him anxiety that's awesome he wants to be the second to last one to get married right right right you know there's an old bad joke you know about this fellow you know it's wednesday night and uh it's he comes home six o'clock 6 30 and suddenly there's a bell rings his wife says who is that he said i don't know let's see opens the door and yankel is there the uncle is an altar she says hi how are you uncle says oh your husband invited me for dinner tonight my husband invited you for dinner yes yes she calls you know when you go like this could you come to the back room you know what this means right i'd have to speak to you for a minute right you feel like you're in third grade you know and she calls him and she says i don't understand you you invite somebody to dinner tonight nobody's here nobody no the cleaning lady wasn't here i don't have any food the laundry wasn't done the house is a mess the house is crazy how do you invite i don't understand you she says why would you do this and he says it's very simple the poor guy is thinking of getting married so i wanted to give him some advice um so that's an old cynical joke but what i'm going to say to you is is as follows there's no question that marriage is about commitment and the life of a bachelor comes to an end with marriage there's no question about that and there's no question that it's frustrating acknowledge these are normal emotions you're not the only one not everybody feels it but a lot of people feel it it's frustrating especially if you're a free spirit and you're a bohemian and you like to be all over the place and you don't like anybody controlling your schedule and you like waking up whenever you wake up it's hard everything is going to change but here's the key the key issue is that the creator of the world has declared empires beresha's it's not good for adam to be levada in fact it's the first thing about which the terrorist says the words life it's not good you would think the first thing that the terrorist says is not good is murder idolatry adultery no the first thing the terrorist says is loyaltive is to be alone to use psychological mental health terms since this is about getting real the antithesis to addiction is not recovery the antithesis to addiction is connection not sobriety but connection it's about connection and there's no connection like the connection in marriage when we feel frustrated by these commitments we have to realize that our spouses anchor us from a house they create a home and from one person they create a larger self ishv and it's the ultimate purpose of creation for the husband to be able to be there for the spouse to be able to be the first spouse to give her love to give her attention to give her compassion to give her validation to give her ava to give her commitment to give her loyalty and what he receives in return is the gift of infinity it's like the martial in kabbalah femininity is called earth eretz is malchus femininity you take a seed and you put it in the earth the seed the earth absorbs the seed what does the earth do with the seed the earth doesn't give you two seeds the earth doesn't give you ten seeds the earth doesn't give you a hundred seeds the earth transforms the seed into a tree that lives on for generations and generations that's what a wife does you're the mashbiya you plant a seed you have to initiate you have to take responsibility you have to give you have to be the giver the mashpiyya and then your wife the recipient the eretz hakul hayam in the offer everything comes on the offer absorbs it and what she gives you back is infinitely more than what you have given her is it a sacrifice yes is it a commitment yes could it be frustrating yes is it worth it the creator of the world thought so this is a this is from a 16 year old 26 year old successful um working guy and he has his own business and he says he i'm convey eat him i drive a nice car travel a lot i feel i'm attracted to the girls more from my financial situation than who i am in the inside who i'm really i don't understand the question questions the girls are attracted to him oh because of his money the girls are attracted to you because of your money not because of who you are okay well you obviously want to marry a girl who likes you a little more than your money you know the guy who said the other day he says we got the warrior guy told me i got divorced because of religion i said religion you're an atheist you're an atheist he says no no no my wife worships money and i don't have any of it the bottom line is as follows obviously you we need you need to find somebody who may appreciate the fact that you have money bar hashem nothing wrong with appreciating money but somebody who really appreciates your qualities and uh and appreciates you as a person if if the key issue if your whole value is the money that you have how deep is the relationship i mean it's very nice to be married to somebody who has money we should all be married to people who have money it's wonderful but if that's the essence of the relationship i mean that means i'm not connected to you i i could marry your bank account just give me well i think i think the crux of the question is because he's a guy didn't get married he went to work and he successfully has his own business he's he's the girls are running and attracted to him right he's a track mcgrath because of his right i get it you're attracting those people but i am sure from all of the girls who are also a little older there are some there are certainly many quality people who want a relationship with a person not just a relationship with a wallet i am certain about that so maybe you need a different shotgun i don't know maybe you need to find out some maybe you have to use some other connections but i'm sure there's people i mean i can't imagine that you know that every person is just looking for your money i'm sure there are i mean ordinary women at least whom i know want a real relationship women were made to have relationships so it's uh you know there's some who are maybe very superficial but certainly people who who are looking who are looking for that are looking for that connection you know i also want to say i want to say that i was somebody told us to me the other day if you look at forbes 500 list most of the people most of the wealthiest people it's interesting i'm married so i asked a billionaire whom i know why is it why is it and he said it's very simple because it's a litmus test for consistency for responsibility for stability for the fact that you have an anchor and it translates in how you run a business and that's what you'll see in the forbes 500 list most people who run the biggest companies in the world are the most successful are married people and i found that to be very interesting so i also want to tell the bachelor you know and they got divorced they usually have a big settlement but yeah yeah uh well listen you know this divorce is very very rampant especially in the secular world today even in the religious world is pretty rampant but the point is that i think when it says adam levada it's not just the xaisa kosov it's because ultimately we were meant to develop roots and to take root and to become anchored and to build something that's larger than ourselves you know we could we all love partying and it's it's kashmak and it's fun you go from one symphony one from ring and the other one comes it's another comes it's another this this you know it's it's fun it's kashmak but nothing larger than you develops it's precisely when we limit ourselves and we anchor ourselves in marriage that we become infinite i want you to think about that all right let's take a live question you're off sure uh so um i'm scared that um once i started dating i'm gonna love the girl and i'm gonna be crazy about her and once i get married to her um and have kids and everything either one of our scholars might change or i might not be attracted to her like 10 years down the road so is that possible and what can i do good question how old are you um right now i'm 17. remember when you were 17 he has another two months he's from winsburg he has one he maybe he has one week maybe the night of dicker's comments he's getting engaged never know listen my friend i like that you're thinking like this you know joseph was 17 and he had a lot of dreams and you're 17 and you have good dreams and let's hope your brothers uh behave nicely towards you what i would say to you is you're 100 right and we all have to be aware of this here's the rule dating does not tell you who the girl is i know we think it does it does not i'm i just still things i have to find out about my wife usher you know your wife it takes 25 years let me tell you the truth it takes 25 years to begin to understand your wife say the first 100 years is a little hard afterwards you usually go afterwards trust me you can date a week two weeks three weeks four weeks six months you think you know the person first of all just from sitting in a car even going out to eat or sitting in a lobby of hotel you don't know a person second of all life changes people there's loss there's death there's illness there's symptoms there's birth there's aging people develop people change people go through crises people go through blessings transformations life is turbulent so things are constantly changing but even without that what could we know during dates so here's the rule dating is not made to be able to have an encyclopedic thorough understanding of who this girl is or who this boy is you know what dating is for mr lam spoke about this in our previous session dating is that i know enough about you that i want to take the unexpected journey through life while holding your hand that's what it's i know enough about you that if there's going to be disagreements i can disagree with you peacefully if there's going to be issues that come up you're the person i will be able to work through these issues with if i'm going to have lonely and difficult days you're the person i could share that loneliness with if i'm going to have challenges and curveballs that come my way you're somebody who's going to catch my balls and conversely your somebody's going to catch those curveballs and conversely that's what you want so yeah you may fall in love during the dates but most important thing is not to fall in love but to climb in love there's falling in love falling in love you want to climb in love so you could fall in love wonderful but you want to make sure that you know enough about this person right you know enough about their values their midas their your shamayim their characteristics their disposition that five years down the line 10 years down the line 25 years down the line that personality is still going to be there those values are still going to be there this is the person you want to walk with or run with through your life's journey and by the way and by the way this is one of and i'm going to say this even though some people don't have to hear it but some people have to hear it some people think that halacha is here to spoil the fun i was once talking to a group of yeshiva good yeshiva and they said you know why does halakha want to spoil all the fun the truth is not here to spoil the fun is actually here to increase the fun halacha allows you to increase them and i'll give you an example okay it's exactly what you just brought up let's say you're dating and you're not careful with the laws of sneers and shaminagia so what happens a boy and a girl are excited right so they connect not only emotionally but also physically what happens now there's an electricity there's a fire there's a passion they often become intoxicated and sometimes you know what their decision to get married is based on it's based on the physical electricity the physical fun and you know what they overlooked they overlooked the personality of the other person the inner values of the other person the mental height of the other person the kindness the flexibility the inner characteristics of the other person and now you're right three years down the line you get bored there's other women in the world and you're like this is not working this is what's happening constantly it's happening constantly what does halacha say when you date focus on one thing of course you want to be attracted to the person's looks it's important but focus on the person the goof and the shaman and the brain and the mind and the soul and the consciousness and the attitudes and the perspectives and the dispositions and the instincts and the style focus on the whole person because that's what's going to remain there in five years 10 years 20 years 30 years and 60 years and 80 years base russia well i just want to mention that he wrote how how will i always know that i'll be in love with this person forever how i know i just want to mention on a separate note i know quite a few people that when they got married there was one one person specifically i'm talking about that she became not from and she started having a boyfriend who was basically completely he was a connection israel had no shocks to being from and they got to know each other and he actually became about shuvo yeah he actually came about shuvo and he became they got married so they they even the the playing field and then as years went down the road he became a full-fledged bolt trooper he came uh uh adaf you and me thomas and she she became even less religious and they got divorced so i just want to bring out that you know you get married you date you like you said you want to meet the person on a certain level but as life changes the person that you're married at 20 is not the person that you are 30. people change but but you want to have that person to change with all these have the same right to work with sometimes people go through a mid-life transformation from one extreme to another extreme and it becomes that becomes a whole new challenge that's that's a serious challenge how many couples after they're 25 30 one becomes less from i mean one becomes less from one becomes more from yeah it's not easy not even scaring the boys over here yeah we're not scaring the boys we're telling the boys that relationships are amazing and beautiful but we have to be honest with ourselves and honest with the person we're dating that's what we're saying we have to be honest we have to be able to bring everything to the table and i always tell this ever by dating you know don't ignore things in other words if something is brought up don't say it's nothing if it if you heard it and it's bothering you talk it over with somebody because and another thing you know i i know i take this with a grain of salt but don't because only one percent of it i don't mean what you see is often what you get which means a lot of times people get married to the reputation not to the person you know you hear about this boy or this girl and it's perfect and it's amazing but then in the actual dates there are troubling things but you ignore it because on paper it made so much sense don't marry the reputation marry the person and sometimes what you see is exactly what you get everything that you were worried about and then ah it's nothing it's nothing it's nothing they become real problems what you see is often what you get not always but often robert jacobson i want to touch a little bit more on financial we have two questions i'm gonna again try to combine because i want to cover some more ground okay i'll read you two questions the first one goes like this i'm being read to a good girl from an extremely wealthy family i'm getting pressured to go out with her but i don't think marrying a girl who comes from such high expectations would be a good wife she will just want me to buy her and take care of her all the time like she's used to is that a real concern question a question b i started dating a girl and i'm saying she has very high standards which is fine but seeing myself as her husband i can't see myself keeping up with that standard is that an issue i should be concerned about nice questions nice questions first of all your first question is really demonstrative of the type of person you are um you're you're afraid of marrying a girl that comes from such money because you feel that you know she's spoiled and she'll make you meshiga and the answer to that is that may be the case but it may be exactly the opposite sometimes girls who grow up in such homes actually have to work on themselves and they're very refined people we all know people who have a lot of money and they're tight meshiga they're insecure they're narcissistic they're meshed they think the whole world revolves around them and you know everybody who says good job is oh do you want my money you said good job you want my money you want my money right i feel bad for them they're right with some people there's other people who have a lot of money and they're unbelievable people they're kind they're generous they're thoughtful they're they're they're humble they realize you know it's not about them or their their brains or their looks necessarily and they're actually exceptional exceptional people and you know we all know both of these types of people in terms of their children exactly you'll have children who are entitled who feel entitled who feel that the whole world you know belongs to them and etc but you have some people who actually they're very refined you know they they grow up with with knowing what matters what doesn't matter and they're not spoiled at all so i certainly would not just write it off and dismiss it i think it's important to find out more about the girl you know how she was with her friends but find out from people who can tell you people who will you know when people do research you have to do research and ask the questions from people who are closer with your family so they'll care to tell you the truth and be honest i i would certainly not dismiss it the second question you asked was about what was your second question about uh questions like this i started dating a girl i think she has she doesn't come from wealthy family but her standards everything she's wearing at her oh his standards are very very high yeah yeah again he doesn't have a problem with it he's okay with it he's okay with it he just feels the financial crisis of it right like why do i need it i think here again here again is this a conversation that you can have with her an open conversation not judgmental don't judge her but could you be curious could it be inquisitive you know what is she looking for what does what does she want from you this may be and you could share with her you know how you feel about it and what your expectations are and what you want to see and i think get to know her more get to know her priorities you know what what is she ready to fight for what is she ready to sacrifice for what means the world to her you know what really what really means a lot i spoke today to somebody who called me from overseas and and this person told me that she had a conversation with her father-in-law and she told her father-in-law you know i now know the difference between you and me that they do and me is you don't put family first i put family first i just realized it's because of something that happened and she said it was such a moment of clarity he doesn't put family first i put family first and that makes the difference these are conversations that are important to have what are you ready to sacrifice for what means the world to you what is non-negotiable to you what does your home need to look like what is a shabbos and ayamte for you listen to this girl don't judge you may find out yeah it's not for you or you may see that she may have high standards and she's a very elegant person and that may be wonderful maybe god wants you to marry a queen that's beautiful sometimes when you marry a queen you become a king if you behave i'm a cathedral boy and all my years i was trained with this negative feeling about girls i can't imagine talking to one how does it work we are not allowed to talk to girls for 20 years and now start dating lead the conversation and be comfortable when i have no idea what i'm doing wow that's a beautiful question how old is our boy thank you how old is this boy do we know eighteen and a half benchmade rabbi remember when you were 18 and a half what you were doing about 45 years ago i remember okay definitely wasn't having this conversation rather huawei that's for sure i want i want to tell you something my dear bachelor i reached out the other day to a top marriage therapist who deals with hasidim and litvisha and yeshiva and modern orthodox in other words the entire demographic and scope of the orthodox jewish community he deals with satman vishnuts and gare and bhabhav and papa and sans and kleisenberg and khabad but also very little very issue-ish and very modern and i asked him i said in all your years doing marital therapy when you meet these hasidic couples whose marriages have been arranged by their parents right and they just met for an hour and a half and then they have the bashaw and everything do you see like a major crisis like they don't know each other they were never supposed to get married you know their parents decided their they never dated and he told me something fascinating he said no i see absolutely no difference after dealing with hundreds and thousands of couples as long as their parents are healthy as long as their parents are healthy and emotionally normal and balanced and care for the children and do the proper investigation he actually does not see a difference so what i want to tell you is you know there's different cultures in claudius no question do i think it's wise to tell people to tell boys that girls are bad bad i don't think that makes sense girls are not bad girls are wonderful girls are god's children just like we are god's children it's just when we are younger in the from community we have boundaries and we're not engaged in relationships with the opposite gender and there's a reason for it it's not exercise there's a reason for it because the way god made us is that there is a natural profound electricity and attraction between boys and girls and when there is a relationship it often becomes very very intense which overwhelms us and distracts us and doesn't give us each the mental space to be able to find our own life and our own personality and grow on our own and develop with our own friends so we choose to wait until the right time when we're going to start meeting the opposite gender but you know what there's something very very beautiful about your shyness and your sensitivity and the fact that you're clueless and let me suggest something to you why don't you share this with the girl when you meet her when you meet her say you know and the ice will break so don't worry about it yeah you're shy girls are not evil we just don't talk to them when we're younger and now is the time to talk to them and you know what it's hard it's difficult you never did it you know you're jumping into the water the first time you remember the first time you drove a bike right and you fell a few times that's how it is that's how it is you're going to stumble you're going to blush you're going to be shy and you know what there's something very cute and delicious and innocent about it and you'll both giggle together and as long as you enjoy each other's giggle it's a good start okay well we have so many more questions people want to ask live i'm sorry i know it's mr speaker i'll try to talk around a little bit more okay okay here we go um i'm dating this girl who seems to be great from the issue i'm having is she's more liberal with her scuffles for example she was sent to a more modern school the way she dresses versus my family my sisters but everything else is great should that be an issue or should i be okay with that great question this girl has more modern hashkafas everything else is great and it's different than your family the way she dresses and her priorities from this and the answer to that is that i'm the last one to give you an answer this is this is where you su necro who you really are what type of family you want to build what type of what type of home you want to have are herashkoffas going to be painful for you to deal with are they going to take you away from things you believe in is she compromising priorities that for you are non-negotiable do you have convictions that you now have to um ignore or or dismiss or compromise these are very important questions the fact that she's somewhat different than your family that's also hard but if this is where you are and this is what you really cherish that's fine and hopefully your family will respect it you and you will respect your family but the real question is don't think only about today and tomorrow think long term you know marriage is a long-term decision it's not only it's also a short-term decision but think about you know your kids are growing up what schools does she want to send your kids to are you going to be fine with that what camps does she want to send your kids to what communities does she want to live in are you fine with those communities don't just think about tomorrow your kid is going to become bar mitzvah what should you want to be part of yeah what type of future do you want for your children based on hashem what type of these are all important decisions so i think it's really a very personal question looking at your own life and your own priorities if you really cherish your hush kafis if you're comfortable with rashkafas if you feel that these your sheer values you share the same things the same priorities or similar priorities which will allow you to celebrate life together to build life together to have this sheer shared deep identity for your own sake and for the sake of your future family we have a question over here second marriage so maybe we can go there for a minute sure i was i was married to 14 years and got divorced i have gone to therapy and feel i'm ready to start to rebuild my life again can ruby why we discuss what i should look for in a second time around i don't want to fail fall into the same problems i had in the previous marriage excellent question excellent question what are the things to look at for the second marriage um you don't want to fail again very very good question and i don't know if you heard earlier this session but if you didn't you could replay because the the replays are available i spoke about the second lookers remember the second lookers your first lookers were broken and you're now sculpturing your second luchas it's very different than the first look because the second marriage is very different than the first marriage you don't mention if you have children from the first marriage but i just want to share with you a little experience i spoke to a woman who lost her husband her husband died she was left with five orphans and she met her second husband whose wife died and he was left with a bunch of orphans and they married and they brought these two families together large families and they had a few children of their own and they raised a beautiful beautiful family and i asked her one day i said tell me did you share the same feelings towards his children that you have towards your children your biological children and she looked at me and she said rabbi why why no i can't i could not i could not feel towards his children when i fell to my children but you know what i always made sure that my behavior should be fear and before i did anything or i said anything i asked would i do the same thing with my child i can't expect my feelings to be exactly the same to his children as to my children i can't but i could expect and demand for myself that since i am their mother and i'm raising them in terms of words and actions and behaviors i have to treat them in mice and endeeber like my own children and i i so appreciated the honesty you know the honesty it wasn't like yeah it's my children no difference there's a difference and i know that it's difficult and it's daily work to be able to say if we want our families to come together and mesh together as one family if we want the second marriage to work we have to be very sober very mature very realistic we're not anymore two 17 year olds you know two startups merging together is not so difficult when you have two multi-billion dollar companies that have been in business for many years merging together it's far far more difficult you know you have two young teenagers two teenagers coming together okay two babies grow up together that's the beauty in many kasadushi communities two babies get married and they grow up together but once you're already entrenched in your shtick and idiosyncrasies that's why it's harder the older you get it's harder and with second marriage it's not just entrenched you know you've been through a lot so i do think the advice i would give you is three things number one talk to people who have second marriages and are happy now from the smiles and sure you don't know but people you know who are happy talk to them ask them that's the best advice best feedback maybe somebody here wants to share their own experience with that number one number two ask yourself where did i fail in the first marriage what are the traumas that i never dealt with where did we fall apart what didn't work and did i really heal and i'm already am i ready to take responsibility extremely important in other words you want to really really be accountable for yourself and number three the important thing is that when you are dating a woman for the second marriage you should be able to have that type of very mature realistic relationship not to be delusional about the challenges but to be able to make a choice together to transcend the challenges together in order to choose a happy future okay somebody's texting in this thing they said they actually want to ask me what they they're not feeling well enough to ask so i'm going to ask it for them everybody's watching the chair tonight the old people that hold the piggy back and this is a question going the other way i dated somebody for a while and then i said no maybe not for the best reasons later she married somebody else and i'm played by doubts and even regrets that i made the wrong decision and this is affecting me negatively today negatively negatively today yes yes yes it's a hard one it's a hard one you said no for the wrong for the wrong reasons and now she's married and you can't forgive yourself and you're jealous of the other guy listen it's it's hard and and i'm gonna tell you a little story you know i'll tell you a little story it's about they say it's about the ibm the head of ibm his name was henry watson and there was a manager who made a horrible business decision and he cost the company 10 million dollars in losses the next day he came into mr watson and he offered his resignation papers he said i'm resigning no severance but you don't owe me anything i wish i could pay back you know the the the tremendous losses that i caused the company i feel horrible he had tears in his eyes watson says what are you doing he says i'm leaving the companies why are you leaving he says well instead of you having to fire me i'm resigning he says signing firing you are you crazy you're not going anywhere i just spent 10 million dollars on your education you're not going anywhere and it was a brilliant response because the loyalty he got from that employee you can't buy for money and my point to you my dear as i understand the pain but here's the truth about life if a mistake becomes a catalyst for education and awareness and renewal it's not a mistake anymore the gomorrah says in yuma pavova mid-base which locker says if you do chuva out of love your previous sins become mitzvahs this is not like it doesn't make sense i ate pork i desecrated shabbos it becomes a mitzvah yeah why why so the balatanya says because the sin became a springboard for recovery for awareness for for rejuvenation for renewal for his scratches so the aveira became an education instead of a mistake so what i say to you is this it's hard i understand but these are the moments you have to believe in the ultimately ultimately even our mistakes are not completely our mistakes rapin has currents have said we say but god knew not innocent but the rest of the year we sinned we still why we i imagine somebody comes to confess to rabbasha and says usher we stole we lied we i i take responsibility what's this we you know what repentance currency says he says you know who's we me and the rebina shalilah hashem i made a mistake but you know you were part of it you were part of it ultimately you gave me my genes you gave me my parents you created me you put me through different circumstances i know i have to take responsibility but you also take responsibility the i did it also i did it also and what that means is that hashem is also responsible for your decision and that means that ultimately it's not about a mistake it's about an opportunity to grow from here this is something you have to go through in order to give you an education and to allow you to become the person you're capable of becoming use it as a springboard for renewal and renaissance my dear brother all right bro let's just cover in the last two questions the one we already did a few versions we'll do one more and then the final one then we'll go to closing i'm having a very hard time finding the best girl to be my wife my parents say that i am so picky i'm looking for a model that doesn't exist i go out with girls that are pretty but i don't find them pretty enough for my standards am i crazy am i being so picky what should i do i know we had this question a few different versions but it's a similar question it's a good it's it's a great question you know what's the distinction balance between completeness and my what i want versus like come on already you know you've been grouped right right what's the balance between um this is what i want this is what i need i'm not gonna settle for anything and uh and saying nobody's perfect nobody's perfect it's a very very important question it's a very important question you know sometimes people when they're older they ask you know do i have to compromise you know i'm 28 i'm 30 i'm 31 do i have to compromise and i think the answer is you may have to compromise on some dreams but don't compromise on boundaries think about that difference maybe not every dream i wanted to fulfill i could fulfill but you can't compromise on boundaries meaning on things that are really important for you for your identity in this case what i would say even when you're younger the way to figure out the balance is you have to really ask yourself some tough questions are you looking for something that doesn't exist you know if you're looking for somebody who has no flaws in the world who has no vices in the world who is picture perfect that you will only find on a painting you will not find it in a real person and i have news for you you're also not perfect so if you're really looking for the impossible then you're not looking to get married you're looking to get married to some imaginary figure okay well that's not marriage marriage is to a real person and every single person has mindless and every single person has concerns however if you're looking for certain qualities that mean a lot to you you're looking for a girl that has certain qualities characteristics values dispositions medicine priorities attitudes personality traits that mean a lot to you that's important now here too there are personality traits that are non-negotiable they mean the world to you there are personality traits that you would prefer but there's a lot of different types of people and they're all good so this you also have to look at so this is my question that you really have to i would tell you and you think you have to ask yourself and maybe discuss it with people is are your expectations simply unrealistic not feasible you're painting a picture of a girl or of a boy that simply doesn't exist and you just you just you're making yourself crazy you're wasting your time you're wasting everybody else's time come down from the high horse because we don't marry paintings we don't marry people in novels we don't marry people in movies we marry real people and you also have milosevic now if that's not your issue you're just really looking for certain things that mean a lot to you okay that's fine but just how you also have to distinguish between things that really are so important to you and they're non-negotiable and other things that maybe you could compromise and you could say you know what she is wonderful mrs she's a flexible person she's a generous person she's a kind person she's an honest person she's a menstrual person she's a healthy person she has integrity that's good the fact that she doesn't have exactly that personality trait that i liked okay i think those are the types of questions you have to ask yourself and there's simply no such a thing as marrying perfection you don't want to marry perfection you know why because if you marry perfection she probably won't want you so you don't want to marry perfection you want to marry marry a person i just did a cuppa in florida a few nights ago my knee my nieces hopper chateauvomatslachas they live in connecticut and the the castle lives in toronto but you know covert so everybody runs to florida for weddings it's a funny situation coral gables coral gables country club this beautiful wedding intimate family at the wedding before the custom broke the glass i told the governor why do we say mazel tov when the cousin breaks the glass what's the mazel tiff it's twenty dollar cup ten dollar cup give me the money why mazel tov so i'll tell you why i said my dear khala you see this hustle under the cuppa he's perfect he's impeccable he's flawless that's what he looks like but you know sooner or later he's gonna start breaking things and you know what you do when your husband starts breaking things you say mazel tov mazel tov that i'm married to a person not an angel i'm married to a person who has ups and downs a person who goes through fluctuations a person who goes through vicissitudes mazel tov and thank god that i'm married to a person with whom i can grow and we can grow together life is not about perfection life is about accountability and growth the day i got engaged my older brother whom you had on the show rabbi simon jacobson you had him right simmon the day i got engaged this is advice from an older brother he said why why here's my advice don't try to be perfect in your relationship because i know you won't you will fail he was right you will fail again and again and again i'm not asking you to be perfect what i will ask you is be accountable when you make a mistake don't run away stay present show up don't run no escapism you know we don't want to be perfect but we want to be accountable and that's what you're looking for you're looking not for a perfection you're looking for somebody with whom you can grow together in a geshmaka delightful precious and loving way forever all right i just want to ask one more question if and if you're going to answer it maybe not sure when you're closing it's a general question and maybe if you could tie it into your closing version can i ask the question sure questions like this can you please explain what the balance should be between having the tachen and establish how much should i be doing calling nudging calling telling my parents versus having a faith in hashem is making sure that he knows what he's doing that's the question retirement if you can tie it into the closing the good let's go to closing everybody uh we'll say then wherever you will uh will leave us with some some different physics again aggressive spirit remember why are jesus coming on tonight and giving the bachram the man so much physic um by the way all the shows going we we we already have two shudukun that were happening by the way the guy who asked the question that he was the good locker but he cemented of the three series for the welcome amendment chairman everybody let us know what we're going to do for the for the woman for the ladies share we're looking forward to getting a special thank you to our corporate sponsors again ireland from closer ice cream always promoting rabbit huawei yurim as we always said klein's ice cream is the best ice cream period also ocean breeze cleaning my friend moishe feldman with those power washing your lakewood if you have any need for power washing please contact them is number seven three two two seven six five six six eight again tonight's share is all recorded the machine is going to be available on www.monacomberfold.com they'll be available on rabbi yui's youtube channel and his website yeshiva.net if you have any questions please email coach monaco gmail.com if anybody wants to contact rabbit huawei i know he has he's about four or five weeks behind it's rabbi wyway yeshiva.net is that correct at the yeshiva.net issuer.net and you might show me who gets back to you when he has time again tonight's year shirt number 48. it's recorded if anybody wants to hear my channel we'll be up on the phone lines tomorrow at 848 777 grow and uh before we start pesach i want to give my own closing i want to say it's been a year hashem it's been given rapid menu we became best carver just for that alone it was worth it and uh meem and ashman raiway it's all our share together we're all partners in this and um it's been a tremendous year of growth and success and uh so many things have happened over this year and uh i just want to say thank you to everybody watching the biggest blow thing that blows my mind is that at 12 o'clock at night you have hundreds of hidden that can be doing who knows what and they come on and they want to do whatever the indian is whether it's tyra whether it's whatever it is it's all in your all growth and uh it's just i'm blown away by that that that that amount of people that's what i want to say coach monaco and then rabbit will grace us with some uh diverse physical dating everything just the whole thing in the closing coach um there's a lot of information from all the sides the young ones the older ones i i want to mention like every new thing that anybody does in life you go out of your comfort zone and going out of the comfort zone is a little bit too scary and you don't know obviously if you do know then it's in your zone and you go out of it it's something new and especially when it comes to shidduchim you want to know am i doing the right thing even not so like we heard you know you should have someone to talk to but this is basically starting their journey and sometimes it could be could feel like a roller coaster with sometimes it can be grief at a young age you don't even realize that you have to go through the stages and um many times it happens in life different areas and tradition could happen also so this is the the time to get put on your seat belts and uh be ready to have fun on the roller coaster and believe that the one that made the tracks that you're sitting on and hashem is the one who is sitting next to us and while we're going in ups and downs hashem is there with us and we should just miss paolo and see after the shema and and should help everybody should have had kosher vs with everybody's situation wherever they are with the ups and downs together with hashem everything should work out we should desire her to have the compass of this year i'm main i'm mean i'm mean beautiful yeah so i'll conclude with a beautiful story about the rebbe of astrophtha the astra of cerebra rabicil mayer bihil mayer was the holy rebel of a struffs of paul and he passed away in 1928 approximately he fasted 40 years some said because of the holocaust he fasted 40 years so somebody once asked us zereba about the balance between betahn and estadlos and he said something very interesting he said you know if you go scuba diving and you go to the depth of the oceans you'll see something interesting and that is that you have this big fish and a smaller fish its head is in the mouth of the big fish you would expect what was happening the big fish was hungry so the predator fish was chasing the small fish and it caught it and it fetched it and they put it in its mouth so then it would have the tail of the small fish in its mouth but that's not what's happening it has the head the the head of the small fish in its mouth why it was it was chasing it so the cerebes said because this is the story of life you have to chase you have to pursue you got to do your hashtag hashem blesses you in what you do you have to make a kaley that's true but you know what happens as this big fish is pursuing the small fish there's another fish that's going in the opposite direction and it comes right into its mouth so the astra syrup says what you do and what the goal and the result is is not necessarily synonymous i'm chasing one fish to your burnished shallow sends another fish into my mouth while i'm chasing i'm gonna go and go and you go right and whoops in other words don't worry don't be anxious because you don't have to always know and figure out how it's going to happen i had a sister-in-law who for many years was waiting for a siddha great girl and nothing was working and then her best friend was getting married in australia so she went for the wedding just for a few days she wanted to come back and on the way to the airport she came into the la cheva brachas and since she was the only friend from america they said say a few words you know get up say mazata so she said a few words and there was a woman sitting there like i have a nephew this girl would be amazing and this woman calls me up and says could you convince your sister-in-law to delay her ticket for a few days i thought why not she delays her ticket for a few days she dates that night after the shower bronchus the rest is history you understand the fish is going to australia for your own reason the rabbinicial element is the point is anxiety has no space we don't have to be anxious i know we all have anxiety but we have to challenge our anxiety but not through anxiety don't challenge anxiety through anxiety be relaxed be serene we do but whatever we're supposed to do if you need the right chatran get the right shotgun the right friends the right relationships the right connections but realize that the fish that's going to end up in your mouth and i don't mean to call your wife a fish and to say your wife is gonna end up in your mouth but the point is that which is gonna end up in your in your life in your home and your property that hashem is going to decide for you and for your soul that's number one and connected to pesach you know one of the great themes of pesach is hashem keeps on saying that aniva malach i came myself i didn't send any send anybody it was i came with a i came with a strong arm and one of the reasons it says hashem came himself is because if he would have sent anybody else they would have been turned off at around the area you know you were naked you were like a newborn baby full of blood says anybody else would have been turned off anybody else hashem would have sent them sinister it's a pastor it's not for my family it's not for our family himself comes to mitzrayim he never gets turned off because he sees through all the husks he sees through all the shells he sees right away the enemy is right away the core right away the purity so i think for all of us what that means is that with ourselves and with our children and with our loved ones we should always be able to have the courage not to get overwhelmed by the external husks and traumas and mices but always see the epitomes and the beauty and the neshama and then when you could see that in yourself you can also bring that out in other people and may all of us have tremendous atslah and all of you who need a shidduch should be blessed with your shidduch bikari of smooth and easy we should be able to celebrate together of a tuvalev until the great moment of ishama bharara yehuda bahuti this class is brought to you by the yeshiva.net please help us continue the classes make even a small contribution at www.theyoshiva.net donate