LIFE-CHANGING Workshop: Creating Emotional Safety & Intimacy in Marriage

the yeshiva.net. >> If I were to ask you what what are the two things what are the two most fundamental powerful human emotional needs? What what do we want as human beings more than anything else? >> Connection. >> Connection. Connection is one of those things. >> To be loved, accepted. But those are all those all go under one heading. Connection. To be loved, accepted. Those those are all connection words. Those are all attachment words. There's something else that we want. >> Independence. Purpose. >> Independence. Somebody said independence. I want to be me, right? The the two most powerful human emotional needs in terms of and this this is coming out of attachment theory. This is coming out of John Bulby. We want to be connected. We we deeply want to be connected. We want to be loved. But we also we also want to be ourselves. We want to be an authentic expression of me. So I'm going to use the word I'm going to use the words connection and [snorts] authenticity. Instead of connection, we could use the word love, attachment, a lot of different words that I used. And instead of authenticity, I could use the word independence, me. Um, let's just use the word authenticity, but I think it really captures what it means to be me. An authentic expression of who I am and connection. Now let's just define connected. They mean to be connected to other human beings. To love and be loved, right? Somebody said the word love. To be cared for. To feel safe. To feel secure. Those all go under the heading of of of connection. To belong. To be able to depend on others. And then there's authenticity. The need to be me. I think that the best way to say it is just I need to be me. I want to be me. to be an authentic expression of myself, to have freedom, to be independent, to be autonomous, to create as an expression of myself, to expand myself. Those are all things that have to do with me. They don't have to do with connection. Now, if you line these up side by side, do you see the problem? >> They're pulling in opposite directions. They're they're just pulling in opposite directions. And this sets up a really big problem because I come into marriage. I come into life. I come into life with a deep desire to be me. And I come into the look at any one-year-old, one and a half-year-old, 2-year-old, as soon as they realize, right, as that there's something called me and they learn how to say no, there's this tremendous need to say no or to scream and cry cuz they want the cookie. And at the same time, there's this tremendous need to to be hugged by mommy. And it pulls in opposite directions. Each of these knees pulls in an opposite direction. And literally from the earliest age from from from one day old to to 120 years old, we're struggling. We're struggling with this. Now, there's a problem here that we've noticed, but it gets a little bit more complex. And and bear with me because this is going to get a little bit a little bit sticky and a little bit complex as you watch the interplay between these two between these two things. [clears throat] John Bulby said gave this example. This this is an example that's used in attachment theory. Uh to know watch the interplay between these two between these two between connection and authenticity in order to be if if you see a baby let's say you see a three-year-old a 2-year-old running around in the playground and the 2-year-old is running. Mommy's sitting there talking to her friend and the 2-year-old runs away and he runs like 10 feet, 15 feet and he turns around and looks at mommy and watch what happens. More often than not, what happens is the child turns, he looks at mommy. If mommy is looking at him, then and she goes, "Hi." He'll laugh at mommy. Hi. And he'll turn around and keep running. What if mommy's talking to her friend or she's looking at her phone? He'll turn around and run back to mommy. And as soon as mommy notices him, "Hi." He goes, "Hi." And he turns around and runs away. And what Bulby said is that what that means is what attachment theory says is that the child wants to run away. Child, he wants to run to the swings. He wants to run to the to the seesaw. He wants to run to the to the to the monkey bars. He wants authenticity. He wants freedom. He wants independence. He also wants mommy. And the two are dependent on each other. Only when he feels secure. This is this is this is I'm pretty much quoting Bulby on this. This is attachment theory. Only when he feels secure, he has a secure base of attachment. He says, "Okay, I'm secure. I have a mother. I have a mother holding me. I know I'm I'm connected." He could run into the world and feel and and and create and be authentic. Authenticity requires connection. You have to be connected before you run out into the world and and create your authenticity. So authenticity is dependent on connection. But it works the other way also. Connection is dependent on authenticity. The more if I if I want to be F will be really good friends with you. So I want to be close to you. You like you like football and I like baseball. So I want to be friends with you. I I hate football. But in order to be friends with you, I'm going to make believe I like football. And now we could smoo about football. We could talk about stuff. We could talk about things that we like. We could talk about cooking or we could talk about I'm making believe I'm being inauthentic so that I can connect. We do this all the time. There's there's am I really connected in in a very limited way? If I have to be inauthentic in order to connect, my connection is limited. The most connected I am is when I'm authentic and I if I'm if I really show up as me and in that showing up as me, I'm connected to you. Now we're connected. So real connection depends on authenticity. So think about what we just said. Authenticity requires connection. The baby's not going to run off until he feels connected. And by the way, that's not just a 2-year-old. That that go that follows us through life. When somebody is 30 years old, 40 years old, 50 years old, in order for them to go out into the world and express themselves in the world, they need a home base to come to. They need to feel they need to have someplace in the world that they feel connected to. Whether it's a wife, whether it's a parents, they need some place in the world to feel connected. When they feel connected, they can run out into the world. Very often what you'll find is that people who are have no home base have no connection at home. They don't have the secure connection anywhere. and you see them running out into the world being authentic. Very often what you'll see is they're really looking for connection. You see this, it's sad, you see this with a lot of very famous people that they they they're running out into world and it looks like they're expressing authenticity and being creative and being themselves and really they're just hungry for for for connection. If they have that connection at home and and they're getting that connection by 50,000 people cheering for them in a stadium. If they have that authenticity, if they have that connection at home, then the 50,000 people cheering for them is just a nice thing. They're being creative. They're expressing themselves. So that follows us through life. And again, this is all what I'm saying is based on attachment theory that that that ability to run out into the world is based on my is based on my connection and my ability to connect is based on my authenticity. So now look look at the problem. Look what we've just described so far. Authenticity and connection pull in opposite directions. They fight with each other all through life. They fight with each other. You I gave the example of of a small child but in in in [snorts] day-to-day life. You know, if I want to be part of a certain community, I want to be not not just in mother parents of or or marriages but in community. We want to feel connected in a community. How do I feel connected to a community? So, let's say I show up like this. I have the white shirt. I have my black pants. I could I could show up in comm community in certain communities and really really feel part of that community. What if this was not my this is not how I felt like expressing myself not with these clothes but I might have to dress this way to be part of a community. So I'm being a little bit less authentic in order to be connected which is okay. It's what we do in life. There's always a trade-off. There's always a trade-off between authenticity and connection. There's always this this back and forth. So [snorts] the dance is a very complex dance. Even as these needs pull in opposite directions, they also need each other and depend on each other. So I cannot be authentic if I'm not connected. I cannot be connected if I'm not authentic. They have to work together and they fight with each other. You see, it's getting a little bit messy. It get it gets a little bit worse. It gets worse in marriage. Cuz here's what's here's what's going to happen. Okay. You think about it. the places in life where um this is okay you know I have a balance authenticity and connection pull in opposite directions I have to do a dance between authenticity and connection that you know I could be I want to be connected so I'll be a little bit inauthentic or I'll be you know I'll sometimes trade off authenticity sometimes I trade off connection that's okay and that's how that's that's how we flow through life but what about those places where I really really really need to be connected like marriage like family places where I really want to feel connected then my authenticity starts to become challenged like I really want to be connected to you so how am I going to show up I'm going to show up inauthentic then my connection is limited that might be nice with my next door neighbor but in a place where I really really want to be connected I have to show up authentically and what about places where I really really want to show up authentically I really want to show up authentically I might lose my connection I don't I want to lose my connection but I but I want to show up authentically in the places where I really want to be connected or I really want to be authentic both my authenticity and my connection become very challenged that is that making sense and so so not only I become challenged but those are the places where I'll find my authenticity and I'll find my connection more than anywhere else in a place where I can feel really connected not not some hoham connection place. The real connection place, that's where I'm going to find my authenticity, right? Cuz if I'm really connected, then I could go out into the world and be authentic. If I'm really connected, I could show up authentically, right? That was the connection we connect. Connection needs authenticity. And in the places where I really want to be authentic, that's where I can be connected. So the deeper the connection, the deeper the authenticity, the deeper the authenticity, the deeper the connection. Therefore, the more connection I want, the more it's going to challenge my authenticity. And the more authenticity I want, the more it's going to challenge my connection. Can you hear that? Does that make sense? [snorts] So, here comes marriage. So, those places in life where I feel the most connected will challenge my authentic self and will nurture my authentic self. Right? That you have both of them. They challenge my authentic self and they nurture my authentic self. So, here's what marriage is. Marriage is that place [snorts] where I hopefully I'm the most deeply connected. It's definitely the place where I want to be the most deeply connected or I should want to be the most deeply connected. And when we talk about marriage, everybody talks about connection. Connection connection. Connection connection. That's the word. That's the word that everybody uses n connection, love, attachment. These are the marriage words, right? And remember today we're talking about emotional intimacy. So, if we're talking about emotional intimacy, we're [snorts] talking about connection, love, connection, we're leaving out a word. If all we focus on is love, connection, attachment, intimacy, we're missing a really important word, we're missing the word authenticity. Because if I don't, if I show up in my marriage without authenticity, connection is out the window. It's not happening. Or or it's happening in a lukewarm place, in a lukewarm way. I cannot be connected in a lukewarm way in my marriage. It's not going to work. In marriage, I want to be deeply connected. Deeply connected. I want to be emotionally intimate with you. Am I showing up authentically? So if marriage is that place where I am the most deeply connected, then marriage will challenge my authenticity like no other place in the universe. That's what marriage does. It challenges my authenticity. It's marriage looks me in the face and says, "Can you be authentic?" Doesn't just look me in the face and say, "Can you be connected? Can you be authentic?" And if marriage is that place where I'm most deeply connected, then marriage I will find my authenticity. That's another it'll challenge my authenticity. But that's where I'm going to be able to show that's where I'm going to find my authenticity because only through deep connection remember the child running away from mommy and and running back to mommy. Only in deep connection will I be able to discover my authenticity. So this is this is the dance of marriage and to some extent it even goes to cuts to the core of what marriage is fundamentally at it at at it one of its deepest places. [snorts] I want to be connected. This is the dance of marriage. I want to be as connected to you as possible and at the same time I very much want to be me. [clears throat] Whoa. How's that going to work? You want to be connected as connected to me as possible and at the same time you very much want to be you. got a problem. Can I be me and at the same time help you be you? Those are the key words. I want to be me and I want to help you be you. Because if you're not you, I can't connect to you either. Can I be me at the same time help you be you? Can we become more connected to each other even as we become more of ourselves? Here is the challenge of marriage. Can I become more authentic? And even as I'm becoming more authentic, become more connected. And even as I'm becoming more connected, become more authentic. This is really hard because now I'm showing up as me. And me wants something that the other me doesn't want. And we could be, you know, we could Okay, fine. Yeah. Yeah. Sure. I love that. There's an inauthenticity there. We're not fighting because I'm giving in and everything's good and it looks nice, but I'm not being me. I'm not being authentic. So, the connection is going to be lacking. And remember, if the connection is lacking, the authentic it goes, it bounces back and forth. If my connection is if I if I'm not authentic, then I'm not connected or I'm less connected. And if I'm less connected, I'm less authentic. And if I'm less authentic, I'm less connected. That's the relationship between these two. What's the mechanism that allows us to do this? And really, it's not what I'm going to address today, but the mechanism that allows us to do this is something we call conflict, which I'm going to talk about in a different in a in a different in a different talk. >> What >> I didn't hear what you said >> conflict. I used the word conflict. I didn't say fight. I didn't say yelling and screaming. Conflict. Conflict means I want one thing. You want something else. I'd like the couch there. I'd like the couch there. That's a conflict. I want to go here for shabas. I want to go here for a conflict. Or I like to dress like this. I like to dress like that. I like to want to go to that sh. I like that sh. This is dashkaf. That's important to me. That's dasha that's important for me. These are conflicts. Uh I like that pizza. I like I like pizza. I like falafel. These are all conflicts. Where are we going tonight? Showing up in an authentic way. And then I'm purpose I'm purposely putting the little things of marriage in here. [clears throat] Because showing up really is about the little things. The little It's about the big things also, but it's also about the little things. Can I show up in conflict? What happens is if there's a marriage, you see a marriage with no conflict whatsoever. That marriage is in trouble. They're not fighting, but there's also an enormous amount of distance. And over the years, they will become more and more and more distant to each other. One of the things that couples find after they got married is, you know, we we were when we were dating, there wasn't one conflict. Not one. Everything. We we it was just perfect. every every we read each other then during engagement all we did was smile there was nothing going yeah there was something well what you know who should sing by the but that there was nothing there was no real conflict we and then all of a sudden after the marriage I want this and you want that and it's like it hits it hits couples as a as a surprise like what just happened here's what happened you're becoming more authentic that's awesome you just got married so you feel more connected to each other if you feel more connected to each other guess what's going to you feel more able to be to be authentic. Um, if I feel connected in this relationship, we just got married. We just got married. We're doing a lot of different connection things. We're doing things that that are bringing us closer. We're connected. Here's what's going to happen. Oh, you're connected. Guess what? When you're connected, you feel free to be more authentic. Sounds good, right? [snorts] And now you're both being more authentic. And as you're both more authentic, there's going to be conflict. There's no there's no way out of that. So when when conflict sets in in marriage, it's cause for celebration. When when when a couple a couple of weeks into the marriage, hopefully it takes that long, some sometimes it takes shorter, sometimes, but when a couple right after maybe second day of starts to experience conflict, they should look at each other and say, "Wow, we are connected because now I'm showing up authentically and you're showing up authentically." That is awesome. Now, one of us could just make believe and then there'd be no fight. We don't want that. Let's be authentic. We're closer now. Now, here's what happened. Now, we're authentic. If we handle this conflict okay and allow it to be safe to be authentic. We're going to talk about safety in a second. If it's safe to me to say I want that even though you want that. And now we we safely navigated a difference. Now we're both a little bit more authentic. Guess what's going to happen if we're a little bit more authentic? >> More connected. >> We're going to be more connected. And guess what's going to happen if we're more connected? >> More authentic. >> We're going to be more authentic. And we're going to have more conflict. And if we navigate that, we're going to become more connected. We're going to become more authentic, more connected, more authentic, and it spirals upwards. That's a that's what a beautiful marriage looks like. A beautiful marriage is not a conflict free marriage. We have a beautiful marriage. The marriage where we're navigating the we're making it safe for each other to be we're making it safe for each other to be authentic so that we can become closer so that we can become more authentic and make it even more safe for each other to become authentic and round it goes. The other side of that is conflict turns into a fight. We conflict turns into a fight and it's not safe. So now I have to be really careful and I I just just to show how subtle this is. Just to show how subtle this is. When I say with the word conflict, I want to pick on small things. The big things everybody knows about. But imagine a couple. I don't have to imagine. I know I know this couple. But imagine a couple. They walk into a their week of shas. They walk they're going shopping for a couch and the husband sees a couch in the I don't know flan flan or whatever store they're in. [snorts] And he says that's a really nice couch. You want to get that one? And she looks at it. The ka looks at it and says ew nobody gets green couch. like green is like oh and he felt like an idiot and he kept his mouth shut. He just did not offer opinions about couches for the rest of that trip. And this kind of continued in the marriage. Little little teeny things like that until he had no opinion about furniture because of and it's not like she was a bad person. There's nothing that was the way she talked. She talked that way because that's how she talked to her sister and her sister talked to her that way and nobody had a problem with that. [snorts] He had his sensitivities. Each each one each one had their issues, right? You know, maybe she had her sensitivity, but in expressing it that way, he had his sensitivity in in hearing it that way. But the bottom line is it was not safe for him to to to say which couch it was. Again, the word safety is dependent on his sensitivities. He didn't he didn't feel and what happened was he became a little bit less authentic in the marriage in in certain areas of the marriage. Just became more less authentic. And you you could take this both ways. We're picking on on her. Let's pick let's pick on him for a second. After they finish with the furniture, they go outside [snorts] and she says to him, she looks at a building. They're in Manhattan. So she looks at a building and she notices something on the arch of a building that she really nice architecture. She says, "Isn't that isn't that gorgeous? Look, look at the way look at the design over there. And he looks up. He said, [snorts] "You want you want to go for pizza or or you want milk fleshics." And she's like, "Okay, there's a part of my authenticity that needs to stay over here." Do you see the subtleties over here? Nobody's bad. Nobody's doing anything wrong. There's a lack of safety. I'm picking such small things. It can become bigger. It could be I really want to go here for shoppers. Nobody. No way. We will go in there for that. That that's that's for sure not safe. That's that's that's big that's big time conflict. I'm purposely picking on these small little teeny things that just create a lack of safety in being able to just be me. Just be me. Me likes green couches. Me likes those designs on the buildings. Can I show up as me as an authentic expression of self? And in a marriage where I cannot where it's not safe. So I feel more connected to you. Right? So now that I feel more connected, [snorts] I'm going to express my opinion about something or I'm going to say what I want to do. You don't want that. And now we get into a fight and now it's not safe. So we have to pull back on authenticity. If we pull back on authenticity, we become a little bit less connected. If we become less connected, we we do less less authenticity. Less authenticity, less connection. That's the spiral downwards. So to nurture authenticity in the marriage, [snorts] don't be afraid of differences. I think that's one of the most important things. Couples come into marriage thinking they're the same. There's no such thing. There there is no such There's no such thing. Nobody's the same. And the differences are your authenticity. If if you see a marriage with no differences, you see a couple, everybody's the same. It's beautiful. They we're exactly the same. We are exactly the same. Some somebody's not showing up authentically in this marriage. To be [snorts] the same requires inauthenticity. If you're different, that means you be inauthentic or at least one of you is being inauthentic. Can you make it space safe for your spouse to be different? And here's here's here's a good question. What does it bring up in you when your spouse is different? It's something it's something that I think every everybody needs to look at. I need to make it safe for my spouse to be different. So my when my spouse says they want something and I don't want it, something is being challenged inside of me. Probably my own or what I could consider to be my authenticity is being challenged. Something's being challenged inside of me. Um, and it's so important to look at that because here's here's what sometimes happens. We confuse sometimes. Well, I can't allow you to be authentic because it's going to it's going to conflict with my authenticity. And I think it's important. The word authenticity is a very confusing word. Um, if somebody says, "I want to dress a certain way because that's me. That's my authentic self." So, I'm not taking it away from people who that there is there is truth to that. There are people who need to dress a certain way and that's their authentic self. They need the house to look a certain way and that's their authentic self. [snorts] What happens if you have two a husband and a wife who need their house to look different? So my authentic expression of self is is a house that looks like this. My authentic expression of self is a house look like that. And you see couples fighting over this. If I live in this house, how could I be me if I live in this house? And that's where that line that I I said, can you what what does it bring up for you when your spouse is different? What does it bring up in me when my authenticity is challenged? It's something for all of us to look at. If a house looking the way it looks is my authentic expression of self, that might be okay. If I look, if I if I live by myself, if I'm if I'm if I'm single, that can be me. How I dress, where I go, how I party, how I take things here, how I learn, how I how how my I could that that's and and that's authentic me. In a marriage, we have to look for a deeper level of authenticity. If the house looking this way means that's me, I would ask you to pause and and just pause. Stop. Is that you? Is that is that it? Is that as deep as you goes? And are there are And you might even ask the question, what is it about the house looking this way that makes this make me feel this is an expression of my authenticity? Is there something deeper? Is there something? Is there something that's going on underneath that makes me need the house to look the way it looks in order for me to feel like I'm me? If a couple can't get through this, this is this might be a very hard journey and sometimes a couple needs help navigating this. What sometimes happen couples can't agree on certain thing even in even in Yiddish. This is me. This is way is that me sometimes me is is is a is I'm holding on to safety. I'm holding on to security. I'm holding on to something that's that's from childhood. I'm holding on to this. There are fears involved. Always in a marriage, we have to look for deeper levels of authenticity. And that is sometimes one of the gifts that marriage can give us. It forces us. It forces us. If I'm single, I just, yeah, this is me and I can leave it at that. And marriage forces us to look for deeper levels of authenticity in ourselves. And when we find it, it's incredible cuz oh, oh, I thought that was me, but now this is me. This is me. And may and and and there's another piece there. Connect the well I'm I'm speaking about connection and authenticity as two separate things. If you think about it, how much of me lies in connection? How much of me how much of authentic me is the need to be connected? And where does that fit into the whole picture? Finding the deeply authentic authentic me is so tied in with connection and so tied in with my fears and so tied in with my insecurities and getting underneath all that helps me find a deeper me. Marriage can force me in that direction. We all know [clears throat] being mater is is uh that that's you know giving to giving to this value. I really want to like this but I'm going to vat. the real this but I'm going to be muvat there's two kinds of bimat and I think I think I have to make a point and that's the point you want me to make this well yeah I spoke about it last time there's two kinds of beavat and sometimes the the words that are used are giving the difference between giving and giving in um I could be mata from a place of deep value I love you I care about you and I really want to give you this, you know. So, so I know you want to go here for Yumptiff. I I really want to go there for Yumpt. I want to go I want to go there for Yumptiff. Um or you want to buy that kind of car. I don't I don't like that kind of car. I want to buy that car. Whatever it is, but anything with you know what I really I feel I love you. I care about you. If I look at how much it means to me and I look at how much it means to you, I I want to give you that. I want to give you that. That is so beautiful. That is so beautiful and contributes to a beautiful marriage. And I'm being authentic. My authenticity is coming out. That's what I said before. Connection and authenticity really very very tied really bound together. So maybe my authentic expression of self is to have is to dress like that and my wife wants me to dress like this or I know pick your own example. Um so my wife wants me to wear one kind of shirt, my husband wants me to live wear that kind of skirt. My It's not me. Okay. But it it it it pushes we want to live in a certain kind of house. It's not me, but my spouse really wants that kind of house. And I say to myself, you know, I'm looking, yeah, I would love to live in that kind of I would not want to live in that kind of house. Doesn't really do it for me. It's not me, but there's something else that's me that's even more powerful expression of me. The more powerful expression of me is I I love this connection. I love my wife. I love my husband. I want to give them this. It would mean I see how much it means to her or him. I see how much it means and I'm going to be mata. What I just did in being mata was I expressed an I expressed an authenticity and now we're closer. That's one kind of beat. And if that's what you're doing, do it. It's amazing. There's another kind of immovat which is fine fine. Fine. Fine. Okay. You think I'm going to sit here arguing for for 2 hours about this? Go do it. I just gave in. I just sacrificed authenticity for for the sake of for the sake of connection. That's what I did. I said I'm going to sacrifice my authenticity so that we don't fight. So that sacrificing authenticity for connection doesn't work because au connection requires authenticity. If I'm being mata from a place of sacrificing my authenticity, it's not going to work in the long run. Not saying never to do it. Sometimes today at the Tuesday 2:00 you might have to do it. But if that's the the MMO in your marriage, if that's what you're doing in the long run, it creates more and more and more distance. You become less connected, less authentic, less connected, less authentic. That's the spiral downwards that we spoke about. And in general, compromise, even compromise, compromise sounds like such a beautiful thing. Depends how you're compromising. And in conflict in general, we work through conflict in one of three ways that don't work. Either I give in to you or you give in to me. That's the matter technique, which doesn't work. Or we're going to compromise. Sometimes compromise is two people giving in. Fine. Fine. Okay. You take that. Fine. You take that. Now you have two people who are resentful and instead of just one. And it it it does the same thing. real compromise is talking it through so that we understand each other. We deeply real deeply understand I understand what you want. You understand what I want and we find a place where we can make it work from a place of giving. That's where real compromises in a marriage. That's how we that's that's that's the the ultimate way to navigate conflict. Um so thank you for bringing that up. Really important. >> Sorry. You said talk me through so that we understand each other. And then what >> what was that say again? You said talking it through so that we understand each other and that >> and from a place from a place of understanding each other we can try to see what can I give to you and what can I give to you now that I understand you and now that you understand me what what can we give to each other how can we meet in the middle in a way of giving not of giving in but in a way of giving. Now, I'm I'm talking about ideals and in marriage. Don't get me wrong, don't I'm not saying please don't quote me as saying you're never supposed to give in in a marriage and you're never supposed to be maturely authentic. No, there there are situations in life where yeah, you know, you need to give in sometimes. It's not it's not like I'm not saying giving in is bad. Like, let's let that giving in. There is a place there is a time and place in every relationship, even a deeply loving relationship where I can I can sacrifice my authenticity because I just mean so much to my spouse. So fine, I'm going to give in there. Nothing wrong with that. There is something wrong with that if you do that every day. And that's the way the relationship works. That's what I'm saying. If that's the way the relationship, there's always common sense. Common sense may dictate that there's something here that's just not worth the fight, it's okay. That's okay. That's not that's not a bad thing. And giving in here and there is not a bad thing. If it if that's the way life works, this marriage is going to become more and more and more and more distant. If that's the general mo, then we're in trouble. I think one of the ways to know the difference sometimes people ask, so what's the how do you know the difference between giving? I don't know if I don't know if I'm giving or I'm giving in. And I think one of the answers is see how you wake up the next morning. If you gave, you're going to wake up tomorrow morning really feeling good about yourself because you were authentic and you were connected. If you gave in, you're going to wake up tomorrow morning feeling lousy because you were inauthentic and and you're less connected. You >> give in and be authentic and you say, "I don't like this." >> Yeah. >> But I'm [snorts] but I'm not going to. This is not the hill I'm going to die on. >> So yeah, you can say that 100%. >> Why is that inauthentic? >> If you're doing it every day, that's what I'm saying. That Why is that inauthentic? Yeah, that might be that might be authentic. In words, if you want if you want to say for you in this moment, giving in is feels authentic to you. If giving in feels authentic, giving in feels like, you know, there are some hills I'm going to die on and some hills I'm not going to die on. This is really important to me. But when I look for look at a deeper deeper expression of self, um, I'm going to give in. The reason why I didn't say it is cuz in in my mind that's the equivalent of giving. But but maybe maybe you're right. Maybe it's not. Maybe for some people maybe for some people that that would be you could still call it giving in. There's still a sense of I'd rather not do this. It's not authentic expression of self. But if I'm giving in because this is not the hill to die on and I feel for me that's that's important and that's a value. I think the key word here this I'm doing it because it's a value. I'm not doing it because what else am I supposed to do then? Yeah. Then it would then it would be the same thing as as long as you're not doing it every day. As long as not it's not the MO in a marriage. Now >> what the same spouse >> what >> and it always being the same spouse always giving and giving >> especially if it's always the same spouse giving it. Yeah. That that that's for sure. Now [snorts] there are marriages I'm talking now to Shaisha couples. There are there are spouses that are married 20 years 30 years and I just want to put this caveat. A lot of the things I'm going to say here [snorts] are really geared towards sharing couples and I want to set the I want to set the ideals. I want to set this is this is what a marriage should look like. This is what a marriage can look like. If I were talking to a couple that's married for 20 years with eight children at home and the only way to make this work is to give in. Please do not quote me as saying don't give in. some sometimes that's what you have to do and that's again the the practicalities of life everything I'm saying here needs to go I'm I'm saying klim I'm saying ideas I'm saying but it needs to go under the the heading of of common sense and and the practicalities of what's what's happening around us. So there are situations, there are marriages sadly that require giving in to make it work. Um, and if that's what you need to do, that's what you need to do. Uh, but we're we're talking here about how how to create how do we create this ideal marriage? How do we how do we how do we try to create this ideal marriage? And and again, in the in the practicalities of life. So I'm I'm defining this marriage that is incredibly authentic and incredibly connected and we're just deeply authentic and deeply connected and it's so beautiful and so it's it's not black and white. It's not all or nothing. I think that's also very important. Just sometimes we have to approach marriages with practicalities of how can I make this work? What can I do to make this work? And take into account what's happening inside the practicalities of what's happening right now. [snorts] Um, I would not say this. What I'm saying to you now is not something I'm going to say to a couple in the week of, you know, just focus on that's not where I want them to aim for. Um, so if we're talking about authenticity and we're talking about try to define, let's get a little bit deeper into authenticity. Like what what is authenticity? Who am I? And this there's we could talk for hours and hours and hours and hours about that and we can go deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper into ourselves. I want to focus on one aspect of authenticity which sometimes is missed. I think [snorts] it's a really important piece if we're especially if we're looking to build on a very simple level from the ground up. We want to build emotional connection. We want to build emotional intimacy. Um first so we need to define emotions. What are emotions? And I want to quote her of Desler from say [snorts] I want I want to quote of Dler. He says that he's talking about pes he's talking about the pesa and he says that he asked the question he says the pes this is he says the pes is it's a it's a it's almost like a kindergarten thing like if you wanted to set up a kindergarten curriculum for the pes for for let's create a kindergarten curriculum for it could look something like the pes the whole thing is about stories and and then the things we do you know were very burny to us so we eat Bernie Mara and and what are we doing and if you want to say it's for the kids it's not if there are no children at the table bunch of Jews with long white beards sitting around the table they have to do the same thing so what is this so here's I'll read it in Hebrew and the the English translation is mine so you can you know I think it's okay I think it's a good translation The Hebrew is I'm reading it in Hebrew because I think his words in Hebrew are so profound. [snorts] It's he says and although our our intellect is wise is wise our heart is ignorant. It is even childish. become yald. He used the word yaldus as a child. Therefore, impressing truth upon the heart requires that we speak with the exact language. It's in Hebrew is the exact language and the exact style as the language and style that we would use if we were trying to explain something to a child. The emotions of an adult are a child. That's what Vessa is saying. If you want to understand the emotions of an 80-year-old, you need to look at the emotions of a 5-year-old. It's the same thing. And he says, "This is a fundamental idea in I would add this is a fun fundamental idea in marriage." If we want an emotional connection, we're looking for an emotional connection, right? Everybody wants an emotional connection. There's no emotional connection. We're not connecting emotionally. What's emotions? [snorts and clears throat] Can I connect to you as a child? Can I be a child in your eyes? Can you be a child in my eyes? We come into a marriage as adults and it what's what's really sad is spoke last time about the dating the transition from dating to marriage. People have no problem being children on dates. Everybody does silly silly things on dates. And then we get married and life becomes so serious. In the serious of of life, we forget to be children. We we forget that we are children. You know, my spouse is such a baby. Yeah. Yeah. She is. He is. Can you Can you open yourself up to that? Can the child in you meet the child in your spouse? In a problematic marriage, if you look at a problematic marriage, what you're going to see is is two adults. And if you look at a happy marriage, you're going to see that there's there besides the two adult two adults have to be there. Let's not we don't want to get carried away. There's two adults. But there also has to be room for all the little children that live inside of us. Now, by little children, I mean two different things. There's two kinds of children that live inside of us. A happy marriage is the only place in the world where we can express before I said silly, I'm going to say something else. The lonely, scared, vulnerable child that is crouching inside of us. We all have one of those. At least one of those. We have many of those. We have the 2-year-old, the one-year-old, the three-year-old, the 5-year-old. We have We have all of those. [snorts] It can't show up anywhere. There is no place in our life that we can show up as a scared a lonely scared vulnerable child. I I I cannot show up at work as a as a scared lonely child. I cannot show up at a wedding and tell everybody I'm a scared. There's only one place in the world where I can show up as that. And if I can't, I can't show up anywhere unless it's my therapist's office, and that's a marriage. So a happy marriage is that place where it's safe and I'm going to use the word safe here to because that's what we want to create is the safety to to to be to be explain safe. >> Safe. Okay, thank you. No, that's good. Explain safe. S safe means that uh thank you for asking the question cuz it's it's it's sometimes misunderstood. Safe means that I'm going to tell you something and it's where what I say is going to are you going to be able to catch it? Is it going to land? Am I going to feel when I say it that you that I that you do you you still look at me you still value me? You still look at me as a decent human being. You're still mocked with me as somebody you want to be friends with? Can can if I tell you if I show up with the lonely scared child, are you going to turn around and run away? Are you going to or or not not even turn around and run away? Are you going to make room for that lonely scared child to show up and validate? Are you going to show other know are you going to turn to me and say stopping a baby? Okay, it's not safe. It's not emotionally safe to show up as that. Or are you going to say to me, "Wow, so tell me more. I really want that's safe." Um, that's one kind of child. The other kind of child is a happy marriage [snorts] is often the only place in the world we can safely express the silly, fun-loving, passionate child that is dancing inside of us. [clears throat] Where can I act silly? Same thing. If I got up here and started acting silly, it's not safe. You're all gonna walk out. Like, it's not either one of those two. If I showed you that part of me here now, you're all going to So, where in the world can I show that part? That's only only with my spouse. And if I can't do it with my spouse, yeah, there's an option of a therapist, but that's really sad. I've had people come into my office and share with me things that they share with no one else, not even their spouse. And that is so sad. They share the lonely scared child and they share the silly fun things that they wish they can do, but they there's no way I'm going to do that. And when I say I say silly things that that I'm scared I'm not I can't do. I don't I don't just mean the things that are that I could do. Maybe there's things I can't do. Maybe I always want to be an astronaut. And I say to my spouse, I dream to be an astronaut. And my spouse looks at me says stupidity. Or my spouse says to me, "Wow, that's so sad. You know, you're never going to be an astronaut. That is so sad. Wow, that felt safe." [snorts] Like I was able to show a part my sp a part of me that is so silly to my spouse and and and it was accepted. Like she didn't look at me like I'm crazy. Those parts of us, those parts of us that are really silly, they're important parts of us. They live inside of us. So again, I can't go around sharing it with people. And the fact that I can't do it, doesn't mean it doesn't live inside of me. It actually says a lot about me. If I want to do something silly, if I always had a dream to go to the army, which for me would be silly, for some people it's not, for me particular. If I had such a dream and I it means something. Imagine a client coming into my office. I had this once crying to me that he wished he could have gone to the Marines. Not going to the Marines. Not with their kids. Not going to the Marines. But but it means something. There's something. He's sharing something about himself that's that's meaningful to him. Just to be the ability to share it, the ability to say this this part of me that lives inside of me. That's the small child we're talking about. Emotional intimacy means I can show up with my children. Um, and the more impossible, the more impossible, like if I can show up with the irrelevant, impossible, silly, childish parts of in the world, if you think about the more impossible it is, the more ridiculous it is, it means the more childish it is. And the more childish it is, the more authentic it is. the parts of me that will never happen but I could say I wish I could have done that is is a really authentic part of me and could that show up in the marriage. Along the same lines um children talk about things they sit on the floor and play adults talk about things that they have to talk about. Um, one of the questions I always ask a couple in the first the first session when I meet them is do you do you have conversations? How often do you have conversations that you don't need to have? In other words, a conversation that if you didn't have this conversation, it would it would nothing would change in your life. And it's so sad that how often the answer is, what do you mean? Like what if you think about dating is all about conversations that we that are meaningless. The most meaningful friendships are often built on the most meaningless conversations. By meaningless I mean it's something we don't have to talk about. It's not it's not part of part of the direction of our life. Children talk about meaningless things. Children talk about things that they don't have to talk about. Can we do that? Also adults talk about things that they have to talk about. Um okay. I'm going to switch topics now. We're going to stay with the topic of emotional intimacy. We're talking about just how to how to connect emotionally. What and I'm going to touch on things that get in the way of emotional intimacy. Everybody's looking for emotional intimacy. That's that's out there today. There's there's a there's a yearning for for emotional connection, for emotional intimacy. And I want to look at some of the things that are sometimes missed inside of us. So I just define emotional intimacy as just being able to being creating a safety and authenticity and connection, being childish. Um maybe I'm going to go to this first. The prerequisites for emotional intimacy is [snorts] authenticity. We discussed that safety and trust. We talked about that. Can I trust? Is it safe? Can I trust that I can share this with you? That creates emotional intimacy. If there are parts of me that I have to hold back, it's not safe. It gets in the way of intimacy. curiosity, which is the other the other side of of safety. If I share something with you, I want to go to the Marines. That's like that's like that one. Or I want to be an astronaut. I I always want to be a clown. I had this since I'm 5 years old, I want to be a clown. Is the response, oh, that's so stupid. That's not doesn't sound very curious. It's not safe. If the response is, really want to be a clown. What? Wow, I am so curious. What what is it about being a clown that that that that pulls [clears throat] you like like that? Curiosity. My spouse is curious. They She wants to know why I want to be a clown. Whoa. [snorts] Um and commitment. Commitment is a big one. It's staying there. Just like I don't get why you want to be that, but I'm here. I I keep showing up. Or we get in we just got into a we just got into a conflict. I keep showing up. Commitment means I keep showing up. I keep showing up. I keep showing up. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. It's really commitment is part of safety. I'm I'm not going anywhere. No matter what you say to me, I'm here. I'm here. Um so, let's go back here. We're going to do I want to talk about some of the things that get in the way of emotional intimacy. [snorts] Uh there's there's I sometimes have couples who there's an understanding out there about the words mashia and mapp which I'm not going to get into the full meaning of the words now. That's not what I want to try to do. Although I do I do want to touch on that in in a future point. But everyone knows that the husband is mashia and the wife is the macabo. That's the way the sperm paint the the joining of a man and a woman. the masculine and the feminine is mashia. [snorts] So I'm going to talk more about what it's not and then later we'll talk about what it is. The the the translation of the words mashia is not boss. Not what it says. It's not it's not it's not the person in control. It's not doesn't mean I'm in charge. There are other words in the Hebrew language for that. Melik um I don't know exactly how you say boss init. What? >> That's That's not the word. That's not the word. It's mashia. There's a shea. There's a flow. There's a flow from the husband to the wife. That's that's I'm just touching the word. I'm just translating the word. Mabel doesn't mean I'm going to listen to you. There's other there's other words in the Hebrew language that that uh for for for listening for for for behaving. Um, [clears throat] I'm just saying what it's not because so often people think that's what it is. I know men are going to be disappointed. Anybody upset mabo means think of the word makab and I mean the thing is we use it in in in in language we use makab as somebody who listens. Is she mabel? Is she listening to you? That's not what the word means. Macabble is like if I have a basket or a box and you put something in the box, I was mabble. >> Receive it. >> What? >> Receive it. >> Receive it. Receive it. Mabel means to receive um to accept it from you. And the the concept of mashia and makab, if you look in the again, I'm not going to get into it. I'm not going to get into that's it's a whole that's that's a talk by itself of but just just to give you the the headline of it is there's a shepha that flows from the masculine to the feminine the masculine takes of himself of his masculine energy of his of his rootedness of his groundedness and allows it to be a chef allows it to flow to the feminine who takes it who nurtures it and the swarm are very very again not going to get into too many details but similar to what happens macabel holding doesn't just is not a is not a passive is not a passive thing it's an active thing if I take something and I hold it I'm doing something with it there's a nurturing that takes place in that look at the act of child birth there's a there's a shea there's a mashpa there's a shea there's mabo but the real kabalo is is taking is taking what I what what what the what the masculine was mashia and allowing it to become what it really what it really needs to be and in the marriage that's that's in child birth in the marriage the woman by being a macabo allows the man to be who he really needs to be that's that's a dynamic again not getting too much into the dynamic but but the the dynamic of mashia makabo ignores ignores ignores this this this is this is this is really a magical beautiful dynamic that flows between a man and a woman. The masculine en energy is a grounded rooted energy that flows into the feminine that that pulls it in and allows the masculine to be what the masculine is supposed to be. And that is what and and and ultimately ultimately it's the feminine that allows for the manifestation of what's going on in the marriage. the the act of cabala for a marriage to really work on an intimate level the most men I I underline the word most over here because the masculine and feminine have it's it's a more it's more complex than anything I'm going to describe in in just the talk and if you feel in your own marriage it's confusing and complicated could be you need a therapist cuz sometimes is masculine. Masculine works on a on a on a continuum on a spectrum and feminine works on a spectrum. Every man has feminine qualities. Every woman has masculine qualities. Most men are mostly masculine and most women are mostly feminine. Therefore, second for me to be authentic, for me to show up with authenticity, being masculine or being feminine is a very very important part of my authenticity. Most men will need to have a sense of being mashia in order to fully experience emotional intimacy. And most women will need to have a sense of being a macabo in order to experience emotional intimacy. Understanding how these masculine feminine qualities are defined and how they interact with each other is often fundamental in developing developing or maintaining emotional intimacy and by extension physical intimacy. I've seen so many situations where physical intimacy wasn't working because emotional intimacy wasn't working because there was a confusion of masculine feminine roles in in the marriage. Uh, I give you a very just a such a silly let's cross out the word silly. I mean a very subtle example. Um, this happened at the beginning of a marriage of a couple that I a couple that I that I know, a couple that I saw. Um, they were married a few weeks and they had ordered a computer from Dell or Microsoft wherever they ordered the computer from. It was the company was Dell and the husband was going to call trying to call the the the computer was not working and the husband was trying to call Dell to to get the computer to to return the computer and Dell was giving him the runaround and he was calling and calling again. He wasn't getting anywhere. There's a guy right out of yeshiva or no actually there's a guy stole yeshiva did not like he's calling Dell for a computer and trying like they didn't know really how the world works and at one point he mentioned they were at her parents house and at one point uh he said yeah I'm going to try to call Dell tomorrow and she took the computer and handed it to her and said Tat Tati knows exactly how to call the he'll take care of it. Not a big story. The father took the computer, took care of it. Can you can you sense what happened over here? >> He was emasculated. >> He was just emasculated. He was just emasculated. And he may not even be aware of it. In this particular case I'm referring to, he wasn't. [snorts] at least not on the conscious level. When stories like that, but when stories like that happen repeatedly in a marriage, [snorts] man begins to feel emasculated. And again, I'm not getting into the depth of what masculine is and what feminine is, but we all just from a on a simple cultural level, we know that the masculine is the guy who calls up Dell and says, "I want my computer. You know, you you do this." And if he can't do this, she needs to stand back and and give him the room to become that person. She has to stand back and give him the room to to become that person. If he doesn't become that person, and most men will become that person. Some won't, some have some struggle, but most men will become that person if they're given the space to do it. And if you don't give them the space to do it, this there's a slow subtle emasculation that that sets up. It could set up another set up another thing. So he he you know he he he has a certain mic from his home like this and she has a certain mic from from her home like that. So we know the mic is that you follow the man's mic. It's not it's not such a simple thing. It's not just like a nice mic. It's it sets up a masculine feminine. allows the man to feel that there's a masculine energy flowing from me in in this relationship. When a man doesn't feel that, he feels emasculated. Emotional intimacy is compromised. Physical intimacy is compromised. I'm stressing this because I've it's such a subtle dynamic and shows up in sub so many subtle ways. I've dealt with so many couples where physical intimacy was such a problem, nobody really understood what was going on. And when you look deeper, when you look deeper, there was a a confusion of masculine feminine. The same thing would be on the on the other side. A woman needs to feel feminine. If a husband treats his wife like he treats his kusa and he treats his kusha really nice, he treats his kusa really nice, but he doesn't treat his kusa with a with with a with a respect for the feminine qualities of his kavusa because his kusa doesn't have femin beard. So, so ju just the the way he talks an acceptance of her feminine qualities of her let's let's say the feminine just in one of the differences in the masculine and feminine is the masculinity generally has a more rigid approach. Femininity has a more flowing approach. Um I'm resisting the I'm not saying men are less emotional and women are more emotional. That's not that's just not true. But a woman's the flow of of emotions in a woman and the flow of emotions in a man have have different qualities. And if a if a woman is flowing in her feminine emotional flow and maybe she's crying about something and he like what are you crying about? Or she's jumping on a chair cuz a mouse just ran across the room. if he doesn't make room for the feminine qualities in her and and that that's going to affect so many different areas in the marriage just how he talks to her how he looks at her that [clears throat] that needs to be and if he doesn't and if he doesn't appreciate her as a macab and she doesn't appreciate him as as as a mashia [snorts] >> I just want to say within a masculine and a feminine quality there has to be a balance right because a man has a masculine quality but if he's too masculine And it doesn't allow the feminine to be her her macable cuz he's just being very masculine. [snorts] >> And then the same thing is with the feminine. >> So the m the question was the mascul if the masculine has to be balanced because if the masculine is too masculine [snorts] >> then he's not allowing the feminine to be feminine. >> Or if the feminine is too feminine, she's not allowing the masculine to masculine. So I'm I'm doesn't really work that way. Let me let me Thank you for bringing this up. This is this is such a good point. What's masculine? What does it mean if I'm masculine? Macho take charge. >> So macho take charge. Let's use that even though it gets way more complex than that. And again I said this is not going to be a class about masculine feminine and what macabo means but let's go with what we generally is accepted as masculine and feminine. Right? We'll go with that. [snorts] Let's understand what's what's masculine. So let's say I'm a really masculine guy. So how would you define me? I'm secure. I'm solid. Right? If I'm secure and I'm solid and my wife is screaming that she wants me to do something and I'm or or there's a disagreement with me and my wife. My wife wants me to do something and I from my place of secure solid self, I don't feel that's the right thing to do. Now I'm going to be a macho guy. Said be quiet. I don't want to hear a word that you have to say. I am the man. I am the man in this house and I will make the rules. Right. That's is that masculine? That's actually feminine. [laughter] I'm sorry. Nobody throw anything, please. That's that's insecurity. You know what a secure man would do? You know what a real real real macho masculine man would do? He would lean towards his wife and say, I really want to hear what you have to say. If you explain, I know you disagree with me. Can you share with me what what what it is that you're saying? Or I see that you're crying right now. I I I really want to understand what what what it is that you're crying about. What's what's going on? I I Why? Because I am so secure. I'm masculine. There's a masculine energy here. And I want that masculine energy to flow to you. I'm the mashia. If I if I put put my foot down and I'm the author authoritarian in this house, that is not masculine. That's the opposite of masculine. So there's no such thing as being too masculine. The more masculine I am, the more safe it is for my spouse to be feminine. What? >> To have an emotion. >> To have an emotion. Yeah. The more safe the more safe it becomes for for my spouse to to to be feminine. Okay. Some something else that's really important in terms of um in terms of intimacy and what what gets in the way of emotional intimacy and also physical intimacy is the relationship between physical intimacy and emotional intimacy. sometimes very much misunderstood for most men. Again, I I stress the word most over here always. Every single thing that they say men are like this and women are like that. You know, men are men from women are from Venus. I've seen so many men from Venus and women from Mars. It it's it's it's and that's because masculinity and feminity run on a spectrum. And men have many feminine qualities, women have many masculine qualities. I've everything that they say men are like this one. I've seen the exact opposite in in some cases. So, I'm going to stress the word most. For most men, physical intimacy is something we do to create emotional intimacy. And for most women, physical intimacy is something we do as an expression of emotional intimacy. This I can't I can't stress how important I'll say it. I'll I'll I'll say it in detail. I can't express how important this is in a marriage. >> Why are we having physical intimacy? Why why are why are we going to be together physically tonight? Is it because we want to get to we want to become close? Like that's what we want to do. We we crave emotional intimacy. And how do you get how do you get close? How do you become emotional? I hug you. I kiss you. We're together. We become And that's going to bring us to emotional intimacy. That's one way. That's one reason why we might be physical. Another reason why we might be physical is because we love each other so much. We feel so close to each other. We need to express it. How are we going to express it? By being physical. So being physical can be an expression of how much we love each other and how close we are. In other words, physical intimacy might be some an outcome of emotional intimacy or physical intimacy might be something we do in order to create emotional intimacy. Most men for most men and I'm sure for most men most of the time it's it's there's so many variations of this. But let's say for most men most of the time physical intimacy is something we do to create emotional intimacy. So if a man wants to feel close to his wife, he's going to move towards her physically. He's going to say, "Let's be together tonight because I want to be close to you." For most women, physical intimacy is something we do because we feel emotionally close. Because there's emotional intimacy. So a woman will say, "Let's be together tonight because we feel so close. Because I feel close to you." And you can see the disasters that can come out of this. So if first of all just just in day-to-day life what it means is most men most men can go from 0 to 60 in terms of of of physical intimacy. It it from from the bedroom door it takes 5 minutes for a man to to get to where he needs to get to. And for a woman, it might take 5 hours, not 5 minutes. [snorts] The the woman needs to feel emotionally close. If they were in a fight this morning or they were they were in a fight, they were there was a fight today. Now it come now it's 10 11:00 at night and the man's feeling, you know, I really want to make up. I really want to be close to my wife. I love her. I feel bad that there was a fight. Let's be let's be physically intimate. And the wife say, "Excuse me, we just got into a fight. First, first we need to make up and then we can be physically intimate." And the way that shows up in the fights between a husband and wife, the way that shows up in a therapist's office is uh my wife is not interested in sex or my husband is an animal. All he cares about is sex. He doesn't care about doesn't care about emotional intimacy. He just cares about physical intimacy. And the the husband is saying, "My wife, she just wants to be emotional. She doesn't care about the physical. They're like, she's just not interested in it." Neither one is neither one is true. They're both most men and most women. This is this is it's a myth. There's there's a myth out there that men are way more interested in physical intimacy than emotional intimacy. And women are way more interested in emotional intimacy than physical intimacy. That's a myth. The pathway is different. Most women want physical intimacy as much as the men and most men want emotional intimacy as much as women. The pathway to emotional intimacy for a man is physical and the pathway to physical intimacy for a woman is is emotional. And there is no solution for this. Just put that out there. There is there is no solution for this other than knowing it and working it through and talking about it and and having the conversations and saying, "Oh, okay. So you want to be emotionally intimate because okay I got it that without talking about without this understanding without talking it through it it just ends up in a fight. Um something else in terms of that's some sometimes misunderstood in terms of emotional connection and that is somehow we feel there's this magical thing called connection. We get married and we feel connect. we feel close. And there's a question that husbands and wives have like we're supposed to be close, right? So, if I'm not feeling the closest, does that mean we're not connected? And really, very often, it works the other way. Sometimes there is. Sometimes you get lucky and there's this incredible closeness and connection and it's beautiful. And sometimes it's not. And and we look at it especi especially with what the media teaches us today, with what culture teaches us today. There's this feeling that closeness is a given after the marriage. A new couple might assume that emotions are are the gateway into connection. We're feeling something and because of what we're feeling, we're going to we're going to become more connected. We're going to behave in a more connected way. We're feeling it. So, we're going to do things. Often the connect, it's the opposite. The connection is the gateway into the emotions. a new a new Hassan Kala a new hus or or a couple married 20 years same thing [snorts] may not feel the emotions that they would really want to feel and they're waiting to feel the emotions so that they can do connected things together from a place of feeling and very often it works the other way in life if there's a value that I want that that I want something that I value I value closeness to I'm not feeling it right now if I act on a value this is a general rule in life not just in connection but if I act on a value even though I don't feel it. That's very real. Sometimes people think it's just fake. You don't you're not feeling it. It's fake. Um if it's 2:00 in the morning and the my baby just woke up for the fifth time tonight and screaming screaming her head off and I get up and I go to the baby to try to for the fifth time tonight put her to sleep. [snorts] So, I don't know what the woman might be thinking, but for us guys, now did you feel the love? No. I'm being careful here because I once gave this to a couple in my office. I said, "You really can't live love." And she looked at me and says, [laughter] "So, but sometimes you won't feel the love for your child. Sometimes your child behaves in a way that it's very hard. I'm just tired. I'm hungry. I'm I'm I'm exhausted. And my child is misbehaving." I look inside. Where's that feeling of love? Where is it? Where is it? Where is it? Where is it? Cuz I really want to act lovingly. And I can't find it. I just I just can't find it. You know what I find? I find anger, frustration, and I look at my child and I go for is that fake? And I would argue that that's one of the most real things we can do as a parent. There's no nothing fake about that [snorts] because it's coming it's coming from a much deeper place than feelings. It's coming from a place of value. Values are deeper than feelings. Feelings are very flaky. Feelings go up and down. Values are solid. If if I act on a on a value, there's something here that's really important to me and I'm going to act from that place. Even if I can't feel it, in general in in relationships, this is such an important concept. [snorts] I don't have to feel everything, every moment. I don't have to feel the connection. I don't have to feel the emotions. I don't have to I have to know it, though. I have to know. I know I love my child. So, I'm going to look at her and go, "Hi, sure." Even though inside I'm turning upside down, it's the most real thing I could do. And if I really connect to my values, it'll come across as real. Also, in relationships, a new couple might assume that emotions are the gateway into connection. No, it might not be. To feel to get to the feeling of connected, I might have to act on this value of connection. We just got married. We just built a building a life together. There's something here that we really want. Let's do all the connection things. Let's act on those connections. Let's let's do let's do let's go have fun together. Even if we're not in the mood tonight, but let's do it. That creates emotional connection. I want I want to talk a little bit about this thing called romantic love. As long as we're on the topic of emotional intimacy, let's discuss romantic love cuz it's it's really a big one. It's it's it's something it's it's such an important topic today. It's something that's I'm going to read the following is a quote. These are quotes from an article that I once read. Not not a not in a Jewish publication [snorts] um in a secular publication. It was an article about um it was written by a couple. They jointly wrote the couple. They this couple jointly wrote the article. [snorts] Um they were married. They had a nice relationship. They had two children. They weren't feeling romantic love. Their argument was that they didn't really find romantic love in their relationship. And they both agreed and understood [snorts] that we'll be together to take care of the kids, but in terms of love, we're going to go we're each going to go seek love elsewhere. And that's what they did. They each went to a different marriage to a different relationship and try to make it work for the kids. And it was amicable. >> They went to a different marriage and relationship while they were taking care of the kids. >> They went to a different marriage and relationship while they both worked together to raise the kids. Yeah. >> I mean, this is secular. >> Yeah. Yeah. [snorts] >> Um, but what I what I >> what I want to focus on though is two lines in this in this article that would just say it as if it's regular. Romantic attachment is an is essential to a functioning marriage. Romantic attachment is essential to a functioning marriage. It was said without any challenge, without any thought process, without any the other line was it's what human beings need to be healthy. All of us romantic attachment is one of the main purposes of life. So first of all, what's romantic attachment? My my main point here is not so much to talk about this couple but to talk about what was written in a regular mainstream secular publication and taken as fact. Not to knock it when romantic love is there we I it's hard to define but when two people have it it's a great feeling. It's an amazing amazing feeling. Cocaine is also an amazing feeling. There there are things in life that are just feel amazing. I want to quote you. There's a book called [clears throat] I'm purposely quoting non-Jewish secular sources. There's a book by somebody called Robert Johnson. The book name is we understanding the psychology of romantic love. And the beginning of love beginning of the of the book he says the following. Romantic love is the single greatest energy system in the western psyche. In our culture it has supplanted religion as the arena in which men and women seek meaning, transcendence, wholeness and ecstasy. as a mass phenomenon. This listen to this line because this is this is so powerful. This this line has to jump at you and go, "Oh my god." As a mass phenomenon, romantic love is peculiar to the west. This is a new phenomenon in the world. With typical western self-righteousness, we assume that our notion of love, romantic love, [snorts] must be the best. We assume that any other kind of love between couples would be cold and insignificant by comparison. And that now I'm going to quote from Esther Prell, the book State of Affairs. There's a paragraph um from her book again I'm quoting secular sources and and what what Robert Johnson does in his book is he quotes he goes through the history of romantic love. He basically shows that and Es Pearl does the same thing that [snorts] romantic love historically is a new phenomenon. Not not romantic love is a new phenomenon. There's always been romantic love. I mean Romeo and Julia were a long time ago. Uh there's romantic love in the Tyra. There's nothing nothing new about romantic love. But as a prerequisite for marriage as a necessity for marriage as something that's it's just what marriage is. That's a brand new phenomenon. >> The glue of marriage. >> What? >> The glue of marriage. >> The glue of marriage. Well, just the fun of what marriage is. is the fundamental this is what marriage is. It's about romantic love. That's that's new [snorts] in our it's it's new in the western world and even in many parts of the world today it doesn't exist. It's not a concept in our quest for the soulmate. We have conflated the spiritual and the relational. Same idea. She's saying that that we we we we look at relationships what we used to look at spirituality for. And because spirituality is waning, we need to find spirituality. So we look for relationships to give us that spiritual feeling. In our quest for the soulmate, we have conflated the spiritual and the relational as if they were one and the same. The perfection we long to experience in earthly love used to be sought only in the sanctuary of the divine. I wish I could write like that. This is that's that's such an incredible sentence. We brought heaven down to earth and now happiness is no longer just a pursuit but a mandate. We expect one person to give us what once an entire village used to provide because a big part of romantic love is you're everything to me. Who who is everything to anybody? It's almost like and if you really take what they're saying, we really take our spouses and put them in the god box. We we take our spouses [snorts] and there's something we're we're looking for spirituality. That's really what they're saying. We're looking for spirituality. We're looking for something deep in our soul there's an emptiness and that emptiness is is a yearning for God. And if I'm looking for my spouse to replace that so so at the beginning of beginning of a relationship that the in what you call the infatuation stage, [snorts] we don't see any of the negative. We just see the positive. So guess what? My spouse is God. Same thing. I found God. I found God. I found it. Doesn't work. But in in actuality when you look at it is a love song and it is the relationship between um and hashem and it correlates to relationship between man and his wife that is a romantic [snorts] love. >> So we using the word so let's so share sher shirim sher shirim describes a beautiful relationship. So there's two there's two ways you can address what you're addressing. One is if I understood what you were saying correctly that where do we find this ultimate connection? What what Sean Malik is saying he's using the language exactly what I just said before. He's and I think this is what you were saying. Correct me if I'm wrong. [snorts] If I'm using the language of romantic love because that is the connection I want with God. I cannot have a God connection with my spouse. I can't. So what goes and does is he says that whole language of of of romantic love go use it with God. That's that's where it belongs. That the connection I want with God, the connection that I will never have I'm going to say this is this is going to make some people really cringe. I'm just going to say it. The [snorts] connection that I'm longing to have with my spouse that I probably will never have because my spouse is not God. I can have with God. That's what is saying. So, so, so that's one way to look at Sher Shirim. That's that's is that what you were saying is that the [snorts] the other thing I was going to say that's one approach to Sher Shirim. The other approach to Sher Shim is what I'm going to talk about right now, which is Sher Shirum is not describing romantic love. It's describing what a relationship could be when I really work on it, which is not romantic love. He's desri He's describing He's describing where where I could where I go, where There is a place of deep love in in a marriage. There is a place of incredibly deep love in a marriage. What does that look like and how do we get there? Romantic love is a feeling. Romantic love is is is this is a it's a feeling and it waines. Like you said, there's there's an infatuation stage. It wears off. There is actually they've identified a hormone. They've identified a a very specific hormone. It's about 57 letters long. I don't know how to pronounce it, so I won't. [snorts] But this there's this very specific hormone that kicks in when a couple meets each other. And within 6 months to a year after the relationship begins, that hormone begins to recede. It's not there anymore. And and we're we're we're on our own. So So what what else is there? What else is there to work towards in a marriage? >> [snorts] >> So, I put together this list. This list probably could be 10 times longer, but this is this is kind of what I came up with. Just a basic general thing I'm going into. If if if marriage is not about romantic love, then what is marriage about? And if you'll notice, there's not one thing in here that's a loving feeling. It might be a different kind of feeling, but it's mostly actions. It's things that we can do for each other, things that we can provide for each other. And I'm just going I'm just going to go through it. Imagine and imagine a marriage as I go through this. Imagine a marriage that has all these qualities. Safety. We talked about safety before. Imagine a marriage. Forget about romantic love. Let's take romantic love out of the picture. Let's take God out of the picture, right? You have a couple and they provide safety for each other. It means I could show up as a child. I could show up as me. I could be authentic. And and and and it's safe to be authentic. And that's how we live with each other. I can come home and that little kid inside of me that was dying to come out all day can now come out. The marriage has safety. Marriage has stability. There's there's a commitment that's stable. Stable in the sense of what's here today, I know is going to be here tomorrow. You're here. There's so many things in life that come and go and come and go. Friends come and go. Jobs come and go. Things come and go. My spouse is here. There's a stability. It provides a stability in my house. My home provides a stability. My spouse, I come home at night, spouse is there. [snorts] Companionship, just plain companionship. A friend and no, no romantic love. What's a companion? Somebody, hi, how are you? How's your day? Oh, you like green couches? I don't like green couches. How about the blue couch? I just companionship, friendship, caring, and being cared for. When I get sick, who's taking care of me? Um, when you get sick, I I'm going to be there for you. Emotional support. Emotional support is not emotional intimacy. It's not emotional love. It's not romantic love. It's emotional support. Wow, you had a hard day. Tell me about your hard day. I can't believe your boss said that to you. Just emotional support. Being able to emotionally support someone else. There's something about being able to be there for not just somebody's there for me. Being able to be there for another person, a sense of belonging. This is so marriage gives us a sense of belonging. One of the first things people feel after they get divorced or after a spouse dies is where do I belong in the world? I've heard this so many times. Where do I belong in the world? Or people before they get married, they're roaming around. Where do I belong? Marriage marriage could provide a sense of belonging. I I could, you know, where you belong right here. And could we provide that for each other? A sense of being understood, right? That's the curiosity piece. I'm going to I'm going to try to understand you. I'm going to try to even if I don't if I don't understand you, I'm going to try to understand you. We can we can these again these are all behaviors. Sense of being understood shouldn't be understood as we just understand each other. No, it's we're going to we're going to try to give that to each other. I I don't understand you. I'm going to try to understand it. These are so many of these things are behaviors. Maybe everything. It's a behavior. It's something we do. Not something we feel. It's something we do. Sense of being understood. Sense of having a place in the world. That's really the same thing as belonging. Sense [snorts] of being special and unique to another human being. That's a behavior. Being special and unique to another human being is behavior. It's it's it's you just walked into the house. I'm on the phone. I'm sorry. I got to go. Wow. I'm special and unique to another human being. [snorts] Knowing that I'm the priority in someone else's life. Knowing again behavior. Knowing that someone is thinking about me. It's also behavior. It's 2:00 in the afternoon. I send you a text just thinking about you. What's going on? How's your day? Behavior. Knowing someone is thinking about me. Having someone to share the challenges of life with, someone to raise a family with, someone to work together with in order to pursue the values and convictions we both share, someone to cry to, someone to laugh with, someone to play with. Imagine a couple who are not romantically in love, or maybe they were and now they're not anymore, or maybe they never were. [snorts] And they from a place of value, from a place of commitment, from a place of yeah, there has to be the basic. They they, you know, trying we're trying to build something. We like each other. Imagine that couple, living like this, giving this to each other day in day out for 20 years. Romantic love is a joke compared to what they're going to get to. >> A joke. [snorts] and and a couple's craving for romantic love. I've seen this so many so often. A couple's craving for romantic love may get in the way of using the skills to work towards connection and emotional connection. If I'm looking for romantic love, so I'm where's the feeling? Where's the feeling? No, no, no. Can you provide this? Can you do this? Can we do this together? Can we do that together? This a couple that's doing this for 20 years. Sher shim. They're they're [snorts] living in that in that realm of sherim. This class is brought to you by the yeshiva.net. Please help us continue the classes. Make even a [music] small contribution at ww.theshiva.net/donate.