Likkutei Torah Matos V'Eisha #2: How Do You Create Passion in a Relationship?

okay so we began last year page one we started it starts 166 we're holding oiml chapter 3 so 167 on top it says mat in the Hebrew it's pay doid column one pay do column one and we're holding oiml today's class is dedicated anonymously in honor and in mer and in gratitude to Rabbi Yosi palel for all of his classes on the yeshiva.net and all of his classes in general thank you very very much a lot of so the main point that we learned last year last class was the M began with the PK in Paras Matas that if a woman a young woman makes a promise a NE she makes a vow which will cause her to have to abstain from something or engage in something and she is B which means she's still in her youth NAA which is 12 years old so on one hand you take the vow seriously you're not talking what a child whether a male or a female child when they make a NE you don't have to take it seriously CU a child doesn't have that level of responsibility once she's a nir you have to take the nether seriously but nonetheless the father has the a permission to it that's was the m and he focused on one detail and that is that is has a which represents spiritually something that's rooted in a high lofty place because it represents the community of The Souls of the Jewish people who are considered hashem's wife hashem's spouse as we say that uh ish man is a metaphor for Hashem and Isha is a metaphor for the Jewish people and it's a relationship like a marriage between a husband and a wife and there is comes from a very very high place it stands in a very lofty place as the med says from the things that ascended in the Primal thought of the Divine that was the first step and that's why it's called Isha and he brought the na'vi Ina who says that there one day the Isaiah says one day you're going to stop calling me Bali but you're going to start calling call me is Bali means my husband today say B is my husband but it comes from the word Bal which means master and you're going to call me [Music] is and that's why Isa is called Isa like it says in P is and is are basically the same here you have a you have a right it says that's why she's called Isha because she was taken from ish right it comes from one they were one initially they were one like sies twins and then the ISA separated and the is is separated from the ISA so says why then why do you have to wait for then to call is not Bali that was the question for this he changed the subject and said kazal speak about three redemptions represented by the three temples the three Bas the first one a the second one connected to and the third to yov the first of R called it Mountain it's called it a field and yov called it a home Bim by the har is called a mountain Haria he called it a field and finally calls it a bias a bias which represents a permanence and that's why the third B the third go is going to be permanent and it has to do with the quality of EMS truth and because truth is connected to yov so therefore the third G is going to be permanent for this he asks what why is yov is true and not true love is and is it's not true it's so what does it mean is versus the first two so he started to explain what's truth you remember truth is not just not a lie that's the basic level of truth but really truth means something that is a constant in other words in every reality it's there is if you go to the beginning of the alphabet the middle of the alphabet or the end of the alphabet it's true Allah is the opposite shin and are three letters that are right close right near each other Ms is the furthest you can get from each other Al is the beginning me is right in the middle and tough is at the end because the lie here is not just talking about I'm lying you know it's 8:00 and I tell you it's 9:00 it's daytime and I say it's night time last night I traveled somewhere and I told you I was home that's a we're talking here a most a more subtle lie and that is lying it's all there but it's all right near each other Ms you can go one you can go the beginning go to the middle you can go that it's going to remain true in other words sh is a truth that's relative in this area the two and it's a very narrow perspective mems is the widest perspective and it's still going to be true and that's how you know something is true you know you can open me up more and more and more I could learn more it's going to remain true a lie yeah from this perspective like sometimes people their entire connection to yish is based on how they grew up the perspective they were fed I was in this community in this home very sheltered and it's fine it's not Checker but EMS it's not the moment they get thrown into another reality boom and it happens very very often it's like oh my eyes opened up to what to reality if it's Ms it's not afraid of reality Ms is reality on the contrary sometimes a person is not ready for that you know you can't just uh you have to be ready for Ms but the point is Ms is not something that's circumstantial I grew up here and I had this pair of glasses and I had this type of community and I'm sheltered in this way so therefore I'm connected to it okay fine that's still called the N of she why cuz it's not really connected to me it's connected to me because I happen to end up in this place when you say something as Ms it means it's through and through and through and through so you could throw me to the beginning to the middle to the end and it's also in time it's not going to change and that's what the mishna says that in the hor there are rivers that dry up once in seven years and they're called lying rivers rivers that lie in they lie because of they're because of why do they lie even when they're with water they're lying because because it's going to stop it's not a real source of water not Rivers Don't Lie they lie such an interesting expression so M also means it dries up but also means it's a why because the fact when you're looking at it it looks like it's a place of water it's not a place of water if it would be a real space of water if it would be a real source of water it would be a source of water in 8 years too the fact that in 8 years there'll be ger there won't be water means that even now when there's water there's water but it's not really a space of water and that's why you can't use this water for the which has to be rooted in which doesn't change it's not an intrinsic source of water I there's water there's water that happens to be because if circumstance that water ends up or water flows through here but but this is not a real space of water so sometimes a person could be flowing with water but in 8 years or in a different circumstance it's not there so even now it's a more external connection that's the definition of sh and EMS here so it's not sh and EM that you're lying it means sh is when the three letters are together sometimes you could see something but you don't see it from a broad perspective right you have a shin you have a you have a k everything is near each other and it looks a certain way that's the LIE why not because the person is lying but because their perspective is as narrow as As It Gets In other words when these three letters are together tight so now reality is reality but if you go to Al you go to you go to S everything changes and that's why we have to be always humble with what the truth is because if I'm looking at you I can judge you and put you in a box but as we say whenever anybody judges another person the only person they're really judging is themselves whenever have an opin op about you or about anybody else the only real opinion I'm sharing is opinion about me it's just telling me who I am not who you are because I put you in my box I see you from my glasses if my glasses are tainted or tinted tainted or tinted that's what the image is so sometimes our entire life we could paint a picture of reality and it's a beautiful picture and it may not be a lie but it's based on Shin from my little narrow bubble this is what it look looks like and fine say but EMS it's not doesn't with Ms EMS is you can go to the furthest extremes and you open up you you know the zooming in and the zooming out you know you zoom in and you see a forest you zoom out you see the forest in the context of the trees the you I'm sorry you zoom in you see a tree you zoom out and you see it's not a tree it's a forest it's called a bird's eye view EMS is a bird's eye view you could see the beginning see and then the tree is already a different it's part of an ecosystem it's part of a family it's part of a forest etc etc you zoom out more and more and more the Forest right it's part of a whole a whole area and the area is part of of a city and a country and a continent the continent is part of a planet and the planet is just one little tiny planet in the context of the universe and the more I zoom out it doesn't change it's it's a tree is still there but you see a whole different experience I may understand it differently same is true with understanding yourself and seeing others so that's why Ms is infinite because how much perspective do we really have we have very limited perspective even if I zoom out how much perspective do I have I have the perspective that my brain could give me based on my education and based on what I know so that's why there's always a humility how much Ms we know how much Ms we have access to it doesn't mean I'm trying to lie I'm not trying to lie but this are the limits of the human mind very Gish of Art [Music] in order in order to understand all of this and what it means in and then later he's going to come back to the woman making up to the girl making a promise and the father aning it so in chapter two he starts discussing a few in the song of songs can I trouble you to bring a you know the [Music] BL there the whole Kish is in one it's in one yeah thank you everybody in we did P Bas we're holding P gimmel what was the Bas p that it says in in chapter one which speaks it's all about the relationship between the groom and the bride so this right in the beginning of the the Kal the bride or the potential bride speaks to her beloved and she says tell me the one who my soul loves that's how she refers to where are you going to pasture where s from the word Shepherd where are you going to Shepherd the flock where are you going to pasture where you going to graze with the sheep with the goats is we is also how how right you have a a where are you a is also how like in your right how how did your sh become so lonely we you going to Shepherd where you going to pasture where you going to graze the flock where are you going to lie them down in the afternoon In the Heat of the Sun in the when the sun is shining animals are very sensitive to heat just like we they don't like when it's too hot so they need a place where they can find shade and they could relax where you going to lie with them in the afternoon they're going to be outside and then he she says why should I be is an interesting word and the M itself struggles with what it means but apparently it means why should I be AER why should I be hanging out with the flocks of your friends of your colleagues I want to be with you and I don't know where you are so I go to the I go to the herds of of your friends why should I do that why should I be over there like a second tier not interested in me I'm not interested in them but I have no other place to go so I go to them I want to know where you're going to be that's that's the PK that's an interesting PK so this gives a whole what the means on a deeper level and he starts explaining the first thing is you have to know the first thing you have to know is this is a conversation between the soul and God between the soul and its own truth right that's what's so powerful about it it's a conversation between you and you oras we'll see later it's a conversation between you and the truth inside of you it's a conversation between you and the EMS based on what EMS is and the first thing I have to say is you don't just say tell me tell me who are you you're the one who my soul loves that's how you start the conversation by the way it's very good to start a conversation that way don't just say tell me you who my soul loves tell me the respon will be very different that's the first thing from the it's brought in a I think it's was AIC work it's one of the students of the mag of M it's very interesting work I think he quotes it from tell me tell me that you love my soul that's the first thing tell me that you love my soul and was saying that's the that's what everybody wants to and needs to hear so a few hundred years ago he knew the secret of attachment that basically all healthy relationships all thriving relationships are based on healthy attachment someone who had healthy attachment can engage in relationships in an easier way somebody who has wounded attachment nobody ever told told them I don't mean saying with words saying with feeling with the visceral knowledge that you love my soul it has to be it has to be dealt with because it's very hard for them to connect because there's anxious attachment or avoidant attachment all the different forms of wounded attachment so it's a fascinated the first thing I need you to tell me is that you are in love with My Soul now we could start talking it's quite an interpretation and the truth is that's what that's what everybody needs to hear I think I told you I was talking to a principal of a very big mfta very successful mfta so he told me he's there for almost 30 years between 25 and 30 years it's a quarter of a century but his Mila is that he grew in the time he didn't just remain ConEd and stuck he grew with his students so he told me he says you can't compare the new students that come in now to the students that came in you know 25 or 30 years ago so I said what's the difference so he told me one thing he says one thing you see he says first of all the level of what the kids know today is beyond they know everything in fact some areas they know much more than any of the teachers and any of the staff and there's very little you could teach them and there's so much knowledge accessible that if someone is interested and curious they could find all the knowledge everywhere everywhere so sometimes you have a teacher who's extremely charismatic and Brilliant and extremely talented okay so he can capture the imagination of you know kids who he says not every teacher is like that he can't expect every teacher like that he said not every principal is like that so he says I can't offer them any more information because they don't need my school for information so I said what can you offer them he said I can only offer them emotional safety that's what I can offer them emotional safety and it was very powerful this is the seventh the first thing tell me that you love my soul because once there's emotional safety now there could be learning now there could be growth now they can open their hearts they can open their minds and if there's no emotional safety then at best it's information at worst it's not even that it's just boring and that's what people everybody needs understand parents understand education in and he told me he says he says I realize that my primary function as a principal of the school is that every boy who walks into this room to this building should feel emotionally safe in this environment that we're here for him we love him we trust him we we we want the best for him and he should be able to feel that this is a place where he's never going to be judged where he could truly be open where he could truly be authentic it was beautiful to hear H nice huh this is what I want you to know okay so this is a you know this is a on the words the literal word the literal meaning is tell me the one who my my soul loves Al says this is describing the nature of the soul the first thing I want you to know is my soul loves you it's not just in parenthesis you who my soul loves tell me it's essential to the conversation if not you wouldn't put it in you're not going to say his name is yanle or his name is schm or his name is zeel cuz I don't know what his name is he doesn't have a name here so why you telling me it happens to be my soul loves you because that's the conversation the conversation is the first thing you have to know is my soul loves you and the truth is this is the depth of what the bad is saying since we're all rooted in love and attachment therefore that's what we need to hear we don't need to hear it because we're self-centered a child doesn't need attachment because he's narcissistic a child needs attachment cuz that's the fabric of creation it's like a child needs to nurse not because he's narcissistic because he wants to live you have to be part of something to live means you're part of something you know why to live means you're part of something cuz you are part of something why does to live it's not a philosophical truth to live means you're part of something because you are part of something so that's what it means to live to live means to be who you are that's the only way you could live when I'm not part of something my soul knows it my heart knows it I am part of of something you are part of something so if you took look about it from evolutionary uh evolutionary psychologist the way they call themselves mean psychologist who built psychology based on the theories of evolution Etc so you know talk about EMS and she when you talk about she it's a sophisticated she sheer doesn't mean a lie she could be more much more subtle it just means your perspective is very very narrow you're scratching the surface of things when you learn it doesn't take away anything that science teaches and physics teaches if it's true if it's not true it's not true if it's not proven it's not proven but it shows you the emis of it it's a different expansiveness it it it it gives you the depth here's an example attachment they say why is attachment so important to the brain the answer is cuz we used to be foragers and there's no way one person is going to defeat a tiger in the jungle there's no way one person is going to defeat a chimpanzee try it it's not going to work the Chimpanzee is bigger and stronger and certainly when there's a lion or lioness when you have a group of 50 people of 100 people at least of 20 people there's a chance maybe we'll be able to defeat the Predator so when our brain is woven in the idea that if you're connected if you have attachment you're safe is that what they taught in Harvard that's what I always read so if you as foragers if you come in a group you'll you have a chance for survival so yeah a brain yeah so to speak after millions of years adopts itself that attachment is good I took a with Jess from Stephen J gold of Harvard Evolution and no what would the S this it was it was interesting but it was all obviously but I mean they believe that the brain evolved just like everything else right right so the entire brain evolved based on the needs of survival what we're learning here is something much deeper and that is it's true when there's a group you have a much bigger chance to defeat a a difficult situation whether it's climate right whether it's a cold winter so you could build shelter together whether it's a wild animal or whatever the circumstances are it's another group of homo sapiens that want to kill you but there's something much deeper and that is attachment is rooted in the fabric of creation we are attached we are part of something the word for life is which is plural why is the word for life is the noun when you want to say life you say it's plural why because that's what life is life is lived together life is lived in attachment the moment is created and that's going to be the big theme here hasem says it's not good for Adam to be L why not what's wrong nobody's going to bother him a lot of Bachelors are very happy being LV at least to some point and some married people wish they could be LV [Laughter] huh there's an old male chauvinistic joke that I usually don't repeat but I'll repeat it cuz it's early in the morning but you shouldn't hear it cuz he's newly married and that is AD marish lived for 930 Years cuz he didn't have a mother-in-law yeah he didn't have a mother-in if he wouldn't have had a wife he would have lived forever so that's the old joke but the truth is it's the opposite it's not good for Adam to be l so what does it mean on a deeper level what it means is that and don't work because attachment we are part of something so the first thing is tell me the one who my soul loves but the fact that my soul loves doesn't mean it's necessar neily conscious and that was the whole idea the eye can be locked up in Exile and when the eye is locked up an exile I don't have access to my truest and deepest and authentic cravings and attachments then what has to happen I still need to be attached but I search attachments that are superficial to compensate for the real attachments that I'm looking for and instead of feeding the real attachments I find fake attachments that could feel good at the moment usually they will come back to backfire because they won't last they won't endure maybe they could last for a while but essentially they're not really filling the void of what you're really looking for because it's always and even as he says even if you're in a state of Exile but the is there the love is always there the only thing is if can be distracted by other forms of attachments and crushes and inclinations and and uh proclivities and cravings and or addictions even that numb the original attachment distract me from it and for a while may feel like I'm attached to something there's people who build entire attachments on the computers or different situations which are all fake but it gives them a feeling that they're part of a community it gives them a feeling that somebody loves loves them and it's easy love because uh you know you don't have to take out the garbage you don't have to build a relationship it's easy love easy to attach it's easy to attach to it it's fast it doesn't require for me to go deeper it does I don't have to look at my insecurities it's easy attachment when people have crushes on other people inappropriate crushes when people have relations that are inappropriate it could be even on their own phone you know it's fictional relationships or real Rel but inappropriate relationships so we're learning something very deep here it's very very easy to look at yourself and say I'm such a low life I'm a sick sick person that's not how you're going to heal the shame and the guilt usually reinforces the the wrong Behavior two things have to happen the first thing is I have to be able to become curious what am I really looking for that's the way to heal instead of giving yourself shame and guilt which we're very good at doesn't help I've never seen anybody grow from shaming themselves and guilting themselves never I have not seen it maybe you have you could shame yourself into obedience for a while but there's an inner inner inner inner pain over there that's not being dealt with at best you can whip shame is a whip shame and guilt are whips how much can you accomplish with a whip a very small amount unless you want to keep the person a slave their whole life then you can accomplish a lot with a whip so you could whip yourself into obedience but it's a whip you're not really there and the moment the says in the moment you stop whipping the evid is completely uninterested he wants to be free he's not interested in being your slave so when I whip myself into shape through guilt and shame it's a very external relationship with God it happens all the time parents think if they whip their children with shame and guilt you you're embarrassing yourself and this and suddenly your kids become perfect it doesn't it takes a price it may look good for a few years and if you really scare The Living Daylights out of your kid maybe it'll look good for 40 years maybe even for 60 years and if you happen to have a very very easygoing child right who also happens to like it so fine it's not a big deal it's like it's like working they don't even need the guilt in the sh you know I was once in a Yesa and it was a the way they were dealing with the B I didn't feel it was it was appropriate was like completely not connecting to them emotionally the opposite of what I said before about safety so I was speaking to the one who was running it he says well what what are you complaining look how successful it is look at all these guys look how they're learning I said let's face it these guys their success has nothing to do with you and your attitude if you will put them in a basement without a teacher without a principal they would still succeed what are you taking credit for them they happen to come here completely motivated on their own you're not doing anything for them don't bring them look at everybody else how bored and uninterested they are that's who you should look at they right guy says no I I disagree with you you have to shame and guilt and that's how your kids come out good look at my kid so that kid came out good not because of you in spite of you that's what people don't understand it's not your guilt and shame that's making him good but look at the kid who's struggling and let's see how good your guilt and shame work let's see how how effective is it why do I think guilt and shame works because I do it with myself we do it very well with ourselves but it's a stick it's a stick right that's the depth of the story 40 years ago when they went out to the desert when they just came out of M hashm told mosha strike the rock 40 years later he tells him to speak to the Rock and when mosha hits the rock he says you can't go into come on well you took the rock the The Rock The Rock got hurt cuz you hit it what racks are made to hit there's a very deep thing the Jews that came out of Egypt they were slaves slaves are used to whips unfortunately the Jews 40 years later were born in Freedom remember the generation that left M and passed away in the desert so the ones who were there 40 years later either they were babies when they left younger than 20 or they were born in the desert most of them during the 40 years they were born in Freedom free people you don't whip you talk to them you talk to them mha belonged to the first generation so he stays with them in the midbar people think it's a punishment God got angry at mosa you you spoke to the didn't hit I'm punishing you for a mosa belonged to that generation this were his people and let's face it he shaped history with that generation the founding fathers of the Jewish people that's that generation but it's a it's a different energy slaves you whip unfortunately that's how the world behaved free people it's not going to work they're not going to listen to you they're going to tune out even if you could whip them today you're done you're finished so people lament o what a Pity I can't whip you into shape no it's an opportunity it's a gift it means you actually have to talk to me isn't that amazing but for this you have to have what to say if you don't have what to say and there was a Jew maybe you heard of him his name was Herman wook Herman wook Herman wuk was a brilliant brilliant writer he wrote many many American novels it was a world-renowned literary uh star he passed away a few years ago at the age of 106 I think he lived in California he wrote a book in the 1950s called This is my god this is my God was one of the first works on American soul that introduced t yish this is the 1950s it was a revolutionary this is my God because he remained a religious Jew so Herman wuk once shared he was an interesting person he once sh that he was once by The Labb in the 1950s and he said do you really think that you can tell the American Youth what to do and tell them to become more Jewish and to embrace yite you really think that is that really your plan so he said to him he said the Reb looked at me and said Mr wook the American Youth you can't tell them anything but you could show them and teach them everything you can't tell them anything but you could show them and teach them everything that's what he said one line you can't tell them anything there's a I know he's a rash in K his name is har freedlander they call him bu his nickname is BU a bu he's a big gone a big you learned by him bu Fred he's a big big gone he's a very special person so uh his father lived in Toronto and he was a more modern traditional Canadian Jew and his son was his son is he would stay up at night with his he learned in in in in 770 in laich and he would have his feet in water so he shouldn't fall asleep he's like one of these characters he learned I don't know 18 19 hours a day and you could see it on him so uh his father was very upset father that two things that his son grew a beard and that his son didn't want to go to college in the 1960s this both things were a crime right today we see what they learn in college you know there's no difference between Hitler and and Churchill no difference between sinir and you know Nas and Israel is the sameas is but then University was if you don't go to university you know you're come you're not Beed of a person you're still an ape you're still from the era of the Apes the Apes don't go to universities it's it's all so uh these were two horrible things so he came to the Deb so he would make his son crazy get rid of your beard and uh and and and go to university so his son said you know talk about it to the de the Deb tells me to get rid of my beard and go to university I'm going to listen he said fine was considered a very intelligent man and an open man and he himself went to University he was Berlin he was in Paris he was in the sbon University of Berlin he understands so he went in like a good Canadian Drew and he says he says my kid is an American kid a Canadian kid it's a pish that's not normal you know you're an orthodox Rabbi rabit it's fine you have a nice beard but but for my kid he he he wants to be in America he's wants to be integrated American kids have to be integrated this is America so please tell him to get rid of the beard so he said theb looked at him and said I agree this is America and in America you don't tell your child what to do in America you don't tell your child what to do he says but I need a degree for him he says Fe degrees and that was the end of the conversation the father was very happy at the end he has goodas had good it's already in so what's my point my point is you always have to know the difference between speaking and hitting it's a completely different inion how did I get into this hitting and speaking why are we talking about it h my ADD just hit in huh what's huh but before that I know [Music] before before that okay that's what you heard okay just don't take only that out of the year I'm just joking so so huh ah yeah so so when I have attachments attachment is a real thing is in the plural the question I have to ask is is my are my attachments facilitating my true authentic yearnings for attachment or not and that's why any attachment in the world any Crush in the world that is not feeding it's not nurturing the real authentic attachment that the person is looking for it's not going to last why because it's not really what you were looking for it was a distraction of what you were looking for and it felt good for a day maybe for a month maybe even for two years but it's not what you're searching for so someday it's going to plots and you need something else so when it plots is either you'll go back to figure out what was I looking for or you're going to go to a more intense distraction that can last for five years and that's really two different that's that's that's I would say that's what defines the difference between one person's life and another person's life one person you know when it blows up when the situation blows up they realize wow let me figure out what I'm really looking for and the other person is let me get a better distraction they tell a story that in valan and the Yesa so in the later years once theca took over you know there were boys that would learn but they weren't uh they weren't keeping shabas it's is an old story it's a joke whatever but it's an interesting story probably it's not a joke one of theas went into a room on chabas the three boys were smoking so one person said I forgot it's shabas the other person said I forgot you not let us smoke and the third one said I forgot to lock the door you know he was honest I forgot to lock the door I did read a story Sly besser has a book called just love them it's a book about Rabbi David trank he was an educator for many years he had a Yeshiva in adelfia near Lakewood Rabbi D shrank he was a very special educator so he tells he wrote a biography about him so he writes over there that uh in the dormatory in Adelia Yeshiva there was a policy they you not let a smoke not in the zal not in the B Med not in the door and once RAB Tran you know unsolicited he was the principal of the Yesa he opened somebody's door to check out and this boy is sitting on his bed and he's smoking a cigarette which officially there was no tolerance for that and there was expulsion if you smoke a cigarette you're out he looked at the boy I just liked it cuz that's what you'll hear what he did he looked at the boy and he said you're not smoke in the Yeshiva the boy said that's true he says but you know what I also broke the rules you're not let it come into somebody's room without permission I didn't knock I didn't ask you permission I also broke the rules so you know what we both broke the rule so let's redo this okay I'm going to go out and before I come and I'm going to ask permission and he goes out and he waits for a minute and he knocks on the door and he said can I come in and of course you come they come in and abraa do there was no cigarette what was the difference between the first case the second case the second case he wasn't looking to catch him he was looking to connect to him he was looking to create safety for him I'm on your side I'm on your team I'm not here to expel you oh I caught you I'm your father I'm your mother I'm your best friend I want you to succeed you understand the difference it's a different it's a different switch that boy trusted him afterwards he probably didn't take another cigarette not because he didn't want another cigarette cuz he understood where it's coming from you know that's a key it's it's not IQ this is EQ it's emotional intelligence it's how to connect to people it's tell me that you love me that boy smoking the last thing he needed was a speech on what smoking does the lungs I mean you could try to do it go to the 17y olds in the dormitories and give them a speech about their lungs I mean it's a good speech but you can tell me the speech I don't smoke the last thing that boy had to hear is what a troublemaker he is or that you're going to call his mother it's done you know you could you tell to the boys and you just see how their eyes you know just drift away like you know another prison sentence you know when am I getting out of this prison tell me something I don't know huh Tell Me Something I Don't Know right what they what they didn't what they don't expect to hear and this they can find on Google is Google is not going to tell them that they love them unless you program Google to say it nobody's going to tell them that's what he tell them I'm here I love you that you're telling them something they didn't know even if they knew it intellectually but the experience of it you can give it to you can give them so the AL says something amazing ly powerful and that is so when I'm having let's say a crush I have to become curious what is behind it what are you searching for even a piece of chocolate cake what are you searching for but in order to be able to become curious you have to you have to discipline yourself not to engage in the actual craving because once I eat that chocolate cake I'm not going to be curious anymore once I engage in that fake relationship now I'm already satisfied now I just look for the next one it's only by abstaining stopping pausing and saying before I pursue this can I be curious I I'm not trying to I won't kill you I won't excommunicate you but where I grew up right like only knew is those very loving warm religious guys right you know that's you should put in the word mashiach somewhere no just joking yeah re was okay so I'm just saying that it just always stuck that that concept you know mobes and know types of things so that that permeates the religion just that they love you it's not conditional and not asking you this and that and the other thing even when I you know they check your TI and they check your they just they were just there to love and so I think it it permeates the whole yeah yeah matter what else right so you're saying when you grew up you saw that this love was in kabat yeah right so some people thought it was almost form of liberalism and weakness in other words you don't take religion so seriously so you're you know the you're the lovey doy guy but the truth is it's a whole philosophy it's a way of looking at the world it's taking Judaism more seriously and trusting that you don't have to tell them what to do you can explain to them what to do you could show them what to do you don't have to use the stick you could use your mouth it's based on a whole that you see in these my the last M we learned in about right don't destroy the animal Soul talk to the animal s find out what it's looking for it's all the same thing and then your relationship is an authentic relationship it's based on pimus truth but the only way I can educate others that way is if I educate myself that way if I don't do this with me I'm not doing it with you it's just instinctively not going to happen the balatan in the title page of tan says that this is a path called it's the longer shorter way that's what he says all he says what does that mean the longer short short away so he's referencing probably a gar in a gar says says nobody defeated me in an argument besides a little boy once I was traveling and there was a fork in the road and I asked the boy how do you get to the city and he said this is the this is this is the short long path this is the long short path so I took the short long path and it was very short and I come to the city but it's filled with Gates and fences and it's obstructed by Gardens with weeds and thorns and I couldn't get in so I come back and I tell the kid why' you tell me it's a short path he says I told you it's a short long path I didn't just tell you it's a short path I told you it's short but it's long so he went on the other path the other path was a very long and winding road but when you came to the city you came to the city that's the story in gamar so that's interesting Al he says in the title page of T that his what whatever he's going to plan is going to be it's going to be a long short path what does that mean a long path means let's get there already let's get you know the whip we don't have to wait boom boom boom whether it's a physical Whip or it's a verbal whip but if I could guilt you and shame you I'm going to get the results right away I'm come on come on you loser you're going to show up but it's a long path it's going to turn out that you never get into the city because you and never transformed from within there was no transformation there was a short road and you were right there by the city but you're not in there's too many fences blocking it you have too many blockages that you never dealt with he puts it in three words but means it's a long path but when you get there you're there why because it was you it became you it's EMS it's not a river that's flowing with water because you forced water into into it you didn't force any water into it it's organically organically you found the water there you had to dig and dig and dig and dig but once you found the water there's water and it's not drying up cuz it's a natural source of water the other River has water so at you know you have to look at it sometimes you come into two places at the surface one looks much better everything is perfect everybody's frightened you know sometimes you come to a chabas table or you come to a school or you come everything is perfect at the surface but if you go a little deep and it's nice it's certainly nice and sometimes the Korum is very very good and nice but sometimes you know when you come to a different place you know it looks a little chaotic but every child is actually being educated every person is being nurtured yeah it's not it's not it's not it's not Picture Perfect had his name was he said this two types of Jews he said he's a portrait you know a portrait on the wall if you have a beautiful portrait on the wall I don't know a Rafael a shagal a Picasso Michelangelo I don't know what you have in your living rooms how expensive your portraits are but you know one of these $25 million portraits and it's hanging it's beautiful it's something special and he said some Jews are like portraits but the quality of the portrait is the demeanor always Remains the Same the face never changes it's going to be the same face it's beautiful may be Priceless but it's fixed and it's dead he said a living person you go up you go down your face changes it's not stoic it's a living person and it's not perfect so sometimes we strive to create a Judaism where everyone is like a portrait you know you're predictable and you're perfect and you have the same face every day and you know what maybe sometimes it works for some people but there could be a deadness over there I may have to cut off my soul in order to always look the same and be the same and feel the same that's not what a living person is a living person is not a portrait you change you go up and down we don't have to be afraid of it you don't have to be afraid of it when you can appreciate the so when I'm having all these crushes or I'm having all these feeling feelings and inclinations that are negative they're toxic don't guilt yourself be curious there's something you're looking for that's the here my soul may be locked up may be in Exile and here's the key but in order to become curious and in order to find out what I'm looking for I first have to disengage from that actual craving cuz if I dig into that the distraction is happening and it numbs The Voice so I can't be curious anymore and those are the two stages in is called and they're not two opposite things one is an introduction to the other means transformation you realize what you're curious for and then I'm not really looking for the cake I'm not looking to binge I'm not looking for that fake relationship it's not what I'm looking for it was an easy target it was a low hanging fruit because I had nothing else so once you transform it you see what you're looking for and then you stop looking for it cuz I'm not looking for the lie I want the truth but to get there you first you need aafia what's aafia esaia means even when I'm having the craving I'm not going to call that person I'm not going to engage in that food I'm not going to go down that rabbit hole because it's going to interrupt my ability to be able to find out who I am it's just going to reinforce the walls the shells the coverup so so always comes before always there's no without a but a is the beginning of a from the word K is the ability to be able to un blend yourself to disentangle yourself from being in mesed in things that you're not really searching for and they're not serving your soul in order to be able to become curious and to be able to seek and find who you really are and then that's that's what you want and life is a journey of ESF and working together cuz I can't just you know snap my finger and say is transform doesn't work that way there is something poisonous here and I want it do I really really really want it no but I want it I want it could be a drug it can be a cigarette and the it could be it could be a telephone it could be a computer could be chocolate mousse cake whatever could be a bagel in the morning which is not good for me for some people it's not a big deal for some people it's not you're not looking for the bagel The Bagel is going to kill you I have nothing against bagel I mean you get the point everybody understands these are these are fundamental ideas in life fundamental ideas in life where does guilt and shame come in it doesn't it's from the Atara you don't need guilt and shame it doesn't help anybody people think you need guilt and shame to get people to do the right thing you don't you don't you need it only when you all you have is a whip when you have a soul you don't need it mems you agree one M like this transforms people a billion times deeper and forever than then you can have 100 whips every single second you can't even compare it's a different magnitude you know why cuz this is It's Ms wherever you go in the world you could go away there's no Rabbi why why your father's not here your mother's not here you why it's inside the kishkas it's true you're not going to get away from it you understand that's what EMS is the whip you run away from the whip it's all over you have people that grow up in a f system or in a system or in a Yesa system they're very very FR then comes the summer they go on a road trip and everything is forgotten because there was no it's not there's no of course it's because it was never there I didn't expect that to come out it was uh so that's the first thing he doesn't want me to fall asleep in middle of my class and that's what he says in the M that even though the love is there you can feel the fire of the love because the passion that I'm getting from the external distractions cool off that fire because I already have passion in other things I'm looking for passion I'm looking for real attachment and if the passion is going to be replaced by external alien things I'm not going to be able to feel that passion CU I already have an outlet but it's just not going to work not going to work after a while but it must begin with that's when I begin the process this is called the love of Youth youthfulness this is the beginning of the spiritual process I'm still in a desert I'm in a desert this chaos I'm desolate but I'm still following you but I'm following you I don't get to see your face yet because I don't get to see my face yet it's called that's called SCF means my relationship is the extent that I know that this is not working but that's powerful as he gives the example of the child who loves his father but the love is not there but there is pain that I don't want to be separated denying that you're my father denying that you're my son denying that you're my mother is not working for me I want to be close I don't feel closeness but I'm crying about that what that's what that's what a is good definition of esia esaia means I know that other things are not working for me you're not working for me yet you're not I don't have a relationship with you but other things are not working it's the revealing the she in the superficiality it's the LIE of superficiality it's not working that's a deeper that's that's the beginning of a relationship that's called it's screaming this is not working I want this to work I want this relationship and that's all the beginning always of of of of growth and that that's going to be the beginning of transformation people often think that esaia means suppression of self it's the opposite esaf means you want to save yourself from entering into false narratives and false patterns and false behaviors that will take you further away from yourself and therefore you say no I'm not going to go down this track cuz this track is simply going to get me entangled with what I'm not looking for it's actually self-respect but it's not transformed yet that's [Music] true so that's and then he adds three things [Music] not only where are you going to Shepherd but how are you going to Shepherd it's not just I need you it's you need me it's not just I need God it's God needs me like the med says we feed hasem because the soul connects the body through food which is Tia that's what grazing is that's what Roya Aya is a Shepherd we're called rosi We're God's Shepherds he Shepherds through us meaning we sustain because we bring the a into the world like food brings the soul into the body so this relationship is not just about me it's also about you you need it where how are you going to tear how are you going to be fed how can we have the relationship if it's in middle of the day and there's so much warmth there's the heat the passion to all other things I won't be able to feel this connection and finally shom why should I have explains two things why should I be dressed up why should I be dressed up with the flocks of your friends meaning why do I need my words and my thoughts and my triggers to be receiving nurture from Alien sources and not from my own true Source I don't need it why should I be hanging out by other flag why should I have to become a from Clipper when I have a direct relationship I don't need it this is the ultimate form of self-emancipation and dignity where a person says why should I constantly be feeding off alien forces why shouldn't my words and my thoughts be aligned with their true source and also as he says from the word Bush it's shameful you know sometimes you look at yourself and you say you know why do I need to live in this little hole and receive my emotional spiritual and intellectual and social and psychological nurture and dignity and validation from places that are extremely external to me I don't need it I don't have to be a receptive loser schar I don't need it you could be fed from The Source that's shom so now let's go a little further inside pay the gimmel everybody understands the there's another love and this is the love of the wife to the husband this is a love that's defined by fire there's a fire it's interesting pre in the previous chapter SP the love of of children to parents and now he's speaking the love of marriage on one hand the love of a child to a parent and a parent to a child is intrinsic you're born that way it's genetic as we say a husband and a wife have to choose each other they're not born as a husband and a wife it's not biological it's a choice because it's a choice they can also unchoose it that's what divorce means that's what it means we chose each other and now we choose to unchoose each other a husband a a father and a son a mother and a son you didn't choose each other maybe on in the different world but in this world we didn't choose each other we can't un choose each other whatever I do my father remains my father my mother remains my mother I may have an amazing relationship with them I may have a fine relationship with them I may unfortunately have a negative relationship or no relationship but still my father and mother a husband and a so even if you don't work it out it's still a relationship your father is your father your father your father your mother is your mother your mother your mother your son is your son you like it you don't like it you'll got to figure it out this is your dad you don't even know what I'm talking about cuz your father is your hero but those who know no so if your father is your hero and if not it could be challenging but he's still your father you can't replace your father say I'm going to another father going to another father like saying you know give me your DNA I'm going to change my jeans thank you you're not changing your jeans tomorrow maybe you could do plastic surgery and change your nose but fine but your jeans you ain't changing a husband and a wife is a completely different relationship it's based on choice and that's why something very interesting the relation between a husband and a wife you it forces you to work it out a relation between a father and a son you also have to work it out and you should work it out but even if you don't work it out people get away with it this is my father this is my mother you move on in life and sometimes at some point you can't fix your kids you can't fix your parents fix yourself a husband and a wife's relationship Hashem made that they're living together if it's not worked out it's a it's the opportunity of God says this is a relationship where we need to work it out if there is no fire if there's no AES if there's indifference or coldness and never mind gaslighting or stonewalling it's a geham for both of them unfortunately a lot of people know what I'm talking about it's a geham because the definition of this relationship is Passion the definition of this relationship is revealed love that's what he the definition of this relationship is you chose each other chose each other means it's not inherent you can in fact go separate ways I'll put it differently you know people talk about unconditional love that's a big word today and it's a beautiful word but it's a truth when it comes to parents and children not when a husband and a wife for a marriage to work well it's not about unconditional love it's not about unconditional love unconditional love is I'll take care of you even if you spit me in the face cuz I love you unconditionally you can have a kid who may be very spoiled or obnoxious or rude maybe trauma whatever it is and you still love them fine to tell a wife your husband is spitting you in the face your husband is obnoxious he's rude he's a low life yeah he's also cheating but don't worry unconditional love maybe you'll whip her that way but love you're not going to get a marriage you're not going to get and the same is true the other way the success of a marriage is not based on unconditional love it's based on adults reciprocating towards each other words unconditional love is very very beautiful and sometimes maybe you have to wait and sometimes there's a process and that's where unconditional love could come in but for a marriage to work it's not based on unconditional love and it's not Ain that's what he's saying it's based on a fire passion you only you'll only get me passionate if I feel that I have a partner if I feel that you care about me like I care about you parents and children is unconditional love that kid that's born can do anything for you all he can do is cry but he's your child when he's 17 and 18 years old he may not be doing anything for you besides giving you migraine headaches and sending you from one therapist to another therapist but it's unconditional love and the truth is the truth is it's unconditional love because it's who you are it's it's your ET it's it's like you love yourself I'm not going to love myself cuz I'm having a bad day CU I'm obnoxious today I still love myself when I'm obnoxious cuz I cheated on the food I still like myself when I cheated on the food I may be guilty I may be ashamed so your child is part of you a husband and a wife it's a different Paradigm it's a paradigm of choice so it's a paradigm of passion it's a paradigm where I chose you consciously and that's why the way Hashem made it is that it has it's a relationship that needs to be worked out if it's not worked out it's very difficult and challenging and miserable for both of them people are complaining today a lot of people that marriages today are not what they used to be people stayed married lead nobody even thought of getting divorced and who had happy marriages there were plenty of people who had miserable marriages but they didn't even think of breaking the marriage and today yeah every every they're getting divorced somebody wrot who do they think they are to get divorc just stay married you think my father liked my mother somebody tells me you think my father liked my mother you think my mother liked my father who liked each other you got married somebody told me that he was his father was on his deathbed father so he went to the hospital and he was still conscious but he was very very weak so they wanted to like make some Lively conversation so his mother was there siblings were there so he turns to his father and he says he told this to me he says tati tell us why you married mom you know like 70 years earlier it was after the war there was nobody else boom he died a few minutes later you know it was after the war there was nobody else who do you want I should get married to Mal M who should I get married to planet [Laughter] Mars in other words what he was saying is there was no choice and the voice also wasn't a choice theoretically it was a choice but not really not practically and you had kids together and and today you're not seeing that so everyone says cuz everybody's spoiled today they're all narcissistic the women and the men are narcissistic and they're busy with emotions they're busy with emotions I don't think that's the case I don't think they're so narcissistic I don't think they're self-centered I happen to know a lot of people from this generation I also know myself and I know some other people they're very they're not narcissistic they're not self-centered they're not perfect but they're not narcissistic I mean you have narcissistic people but a lot of people are not narcissistic what they're looking for is what says that the the organic way marriage was supposed to be designed is that there's a fire a fire comes from Choice a fire means I'm excited about it you can't whip me into excitement it will never happen you don't whip people and expect them to be excited unless you whip them they should make believe they're excited but they're not [Music] excited you can't force an excitement in marriage it doesn't work that way either you're in or you're not in so Al says this is a second a the first a speaks about a child to a parent even if you have a lot of issues with your parents and even if you have a lot of issues with your children there's always love there and it's an amazing thing even if you disagree with your child on every policy in the world and you disagree about everything don't think that you're severed you're not severed you can't give a get to your son and daughter you can't you're not supposed to cuz you can't cuz you're one and that's the power the question is how revealed it is how not revealed it is and we have to work on revealing it that was the that was pic base and in our relationship with Hashem what does that mean there's always a connection and there's always a search I may not feel it and therefore I'm distracted by other things and this is where you need a scaf you but there's another element in the relationship and our relationship withm is both you remember you know it's one of the songs that re composed you know the Tunes the the N of of of so the Nan and the words always match perfectly cuz that's the whole idea that the nigan comes from the words you get uh so what is it are we your child or are we your wife which one is it in fact I don't think you should marry your child it's one of the if I'm your child I'm not your spouse you're my sister you're my wife which one you don't marry you're not supposed to marry your sister you're not allow to it's Ken married a sister but that that was only then you're not supposed to marry your sister you're not allow not you're not allow the answer of course is that all the emotional relationships and connections we have in our life we have with our sisters and we have with our brothers we have with our parents and we have with siblings we have with friends and of course we have with spouses and we have with children all of those are plugged into the source of love my love to my sister comes from a place of love my love to my child my love to my parents my love to my spouse what's the source of Love Hashem so every relationship that exists in this world is a metaphor and a reflection of a certain relationship that you have with so of course we your Flack and you're Our Shepherd all these relationships exist what do you mean I'm I'm your flak or I'm your son or I'm your daughter your wife what your wife is also you sheep I mean some people would like that what everything is contradictory the answer is no every relationship exists in the world is rooted in one relationship that's where it comes from so it's multifaceted so therefore yeah there's a part in which I'm like a sheep and there's a part in which I'm a son and a daughter and a wife and a husband and a mother and a brother and a sister and a par it's all there yeah and each one has a mil that the other one doesn't have what's the mil for example the mil in she the once explained what what's you say oh you're my son you're my daughter you're also my sheep there's something special in sheep sheep they trust completely the shepherd unless he's an abuser but sheep they don't sit and think you think he likes me he doesn't like me so is a complete trust each each relationship has something to it so that's what he's saying the relationship between a parent and a child or child and a parent it could sometimes be concealed the relationship between a husband and a wife can also be concealed but the design is that when it's concealed it's much much harder to navigate because you're living together in the same house it's asking for Revelation it's asking for that's what he says what does it mean this passion you're not interested in anything else when you're excited about something I'm not interested in anything anything else the previous P he spoke about you are interested in other things why because you're not in touch with your true desire that's why you need a scafa here it's a different level here I don't need anything else where you looking what's much better here v v v where you running this is the best place in the world that's what a marriage is you come home in the evening I don't want to be anywhere else I'm not going to get in out to the whole discussion of Summer where men are sometimes two or three months away from their wives for a whole week and somehow it's looked upon as an interesting or exciting time when it's in most cases ludicrous I don't know exactly what the solution is but it's completely ludicrous if the marriage is miserable it's a wonderful Arrangement but if the marriage is decent even half decent it's a very very difficult it's very difficult because it's very inorganic it's it's it's like a it's a fake institution so when you have a relationship like this so it's not like he comes home at night from work NE I'm coming home no a whole day he was working so that he should come home why cuz when I come home that's the place of safety that's the place of excitement now some of you are thinking RAB why whose house are you talking about like which house are you talking about but this is what we have your your house leaving you're leaving just your wife forces you to come so that's why you come huh yeah he doesn't want to leave his house but but it's important to understand the Paradigm even if we're not there yet to understand this is what a marriage this is what a marriage is a marriage is the husband says there's no place I prefer to be in the world better than my home and the wife feels the same way it's not something you could force people to feel it's a feeling this can only come with tremendous work and Trust without it this is not superficial stuff this is because it's a fire there's a it's a pleasure the pleasure is a and then I don't have other desires I don't have a better place I have a a place now I know many of us don't experience this unfortunately and sometimes it's because of the husband some because of the wife and usually it's because of both of them because for this you need a lot of safety you need a lot of trust and you have to work through p b in order to get the PIM in other words if I'm still busy with other attractions and other distractions I will not be able to feel my need and dependence and connection to you and you won't be able to feel to me cuz you're running there I'm running there so if is we have to face each other and the most important thing face ourselves and see what is taking me away from this relationship what am I getting in my office that I don't have here what am I getting what's in my office that I don't have here cuz whatever is in my office or whatever is in the in the restaurant or whatever is with my friends or whatever is in SCH right it's not just it's kosher what am I doing in my office you know um this guy's watching Netflix right this guy's watching Trump you know this guy's watching Biden well he's in middle of a dream but whatever this guy's watching this well it's ker it's not if it's ker or not it's important the question is what is the distraction that's keeping you away from the house what is so exciting that you have there and he'll say I come home or she says I come home and it's just you know it's just negative or it's just exha in or it's just demands or it's just it's just it's not it's not exciting anymore it's not fun anymore so there's a need there's a yearning here and the same is true with the wife and the same is true with the husband so that's esaia means if I'm going to continue to run away to other distractions I'm never going to be able to find what I'm really searching for now of course it's much easier when you have two people who are ready to work on this together cuz if not it gets very hard when you have only one person who wants to work on this and the other person just wants to continue to run away they're still stuck so this is the second model what does this mean in okay I think we'll stop here we learned one line okay huh powerful line yeah you can't force this how do you make I don't you don't have other I do have other this is already AA where it's very authentic but everybody knows it's so beautiful here why should I want I don't want to go anywhere else I I'm not going to get anything more that's what a relationship is and when parents can give this to Children it creates a foundation for a good marriage in other words the warmth the love the safety I'm going to get it I'm not going to get anywhere else a mother once asked me she said that her kids are completely not interested in the shabas table they're just not interested they sit for 60 seconds you know they finish the first course and then they come back for dessert and it bothers her so some of you grew up at chabas tables where somebody once told me that he was forced to stay for 3 hours he couldn't get up for three hours you understand what his relationship to shabas is that's called the whip you know you're going to make them enjoy the chabas table but the truth is like this I told the mother you cannot make I mean listen you know there's a certain age where you could stay you know stay till here whatever once your kids reach a certain age what are you going to do chain them up to the chairs I said what you could do at the shabas table is you could be a happy person you could be in a state of bliss you could be with an open heart you could create an environment with your husband that is very very special and ultimately your children are sensitive they'll know this is the place to be this is the funnest place to be you're not going to get this anywhere else you're not going to get this warmth anywhere else in the world and they'll remember it even if they Drift Away they'll know the warmth that they got here at this table the playfulness the laughter The Joy this music the food the Ambiance most importantly the attachment you're not going to get this anywhere else and it It ultimately resonates so she said of course but I'm miserable at the shabas table but I'm miserable at the shabas table and it's I think something we can relate other words she wanted her kids to be happy at the shabas table but she was miserable at the Shamus T so why was she there because of a whip because she has a whip in her brain so I said so your kids are actually responding to your truth they're saying mommy you're miserable why should we be part part of making you miserable these kids are actually telling her what she's experienced they're just doing the rational thing let's get out of this place if it's a miserable Place why should we be here Mommy let's be honest they're actually being they're they're being honest they're telling you what you're really feeling no isn't that that's pretty good so when Judaism is graduating from a place of B to a place of isi from a place of the whip to a place of connection all these things are coming out as long as you everybody's whipped into shape nothing comes out because you're behaving you're behaving I'm behaving we're all sitting at the table like this like soldiers beautiful we're miserable who cares and that's what I think is happening with marriage too people feel that today they want a real relationship to have a real relationship yeah you have to look at your emotions for heaven sake it's not a crime to look at your emotions emotions are not evil they're created by God the Reason God made us emotional creatures just like the brain is not evil the heart is not evil this this whole attack like if you feel you're like horrible it means you're a spoiled brat who made emotions For Heaven's Sake God could have made us a rock a rock feels no pain and an island never cries that's from Yeshiva we could have made us rocks and even rocks probably have emotions we just don't know it yet we'll find out in 50 years that rocks have more emotions than we imagin we already know that trees have emotions I'm sure rocks also have emotions arel says everything has a soul but even if you want to say rocks are rocks we weren't created as rocks right we weren't created as robots we weren't created as artificial intelligence even they have emotions probably today if we give them emotions so it's like emotions let's so yeah God made this whole person full of emotions and the whole purpose is just to amputate them and repress them and put one foot it's ridiculous theat is sometimes there's a moment where I turn to my emotion and I say you're only giving me the external truth so therefore I'm not going to engage in the external truth cuz I want to be curious what I'm really looking for that's but the purpose is the purpose is to have an emotional relationship which means a full-fledged relationship so that's what people are searching for today cuz coming closer to Gula the time when you're going to stop calling God B and calling it Mish so what are you attacking it that what people want connection I don't see that as narcissistic I see that as spiritually lofty maybe I'm too narcissistic to see the truth but I think this is the truth I think it's a much much deeper truth that resonates instead of saying this generation is a bunch of spoiled brats everybody's just looking for emotions and looking for an excuse to get the voice I think it's the opposite they actually want much deeper relationships with themselves with their spouses with their children with their parents and with God I don't think that's a crime I think it's part of Redemptive Consciousness where you don't have to amputate parts of yourself it could be a holistic relationship a relationship of bliss it doesn't mean we shouldn't acknowledge our shortcomings and our traps and our and the fact that we can all get distracted and we can end up in disastrous places when we're not in control of course we shouldn't it's not an excuse for uh for uh people um destroying their lives on the contrary it's opening up the opportunity for True healing and transformation does anybody agree with me I you agree with me this is the truth at least the way I see it narc you probably have some which you can discuss with your wife narcissism is not one of them flaws you may have but narcissism is not one of [Laughter] them if I would even ask you to define narcissism I'm not sure you'll be able to okay so that's the that's the point everybody have a beautiful day and a lot of in both relationships and uh B will continue this m Monday morning 7:45 huh we're healing one line at a time thank you I never saw I that I remember I remember lecture about thisi so I remember where I heard the G says and the ra brings it said that a person should love his wife like himself and respect her more than himself that's that's and is Adam Adam is before the separation Adam was called Adam when and were one right is not a man not a woman it's together and is is ones they get separated so you have is and you have Isa Adam is one entity that includes both like SII twins so is when and come together when they're one when when they become separated they're still connected but now it's is and Isha so it's the same word is is but it's two words is and Isam is one we're going to see it's going to be the continuation of the mare H is fire but there's H and there's H the Y and the he right and the it says in the reason she's called Isha is because she is a derivative from ish just like is is a derivative from Isa so this is the yud part and this is the hate part why you sighing after such a m why you sighing you're saying after this m you're saying statein [Music] wel between hitting and speaking so it's from the I think I mean he says it in that are more abstract he says that I mean the way he puts it one is one is I mean he puts it in but I think the also the AL do something I have to look but somebody I once wrote it and somebody said I should look in the AL I think also similar but the has something similar yeah there's a beautiful essay by Rabbi Jonathan sax where he really articulates it in his eloquence this idea I don't know if he soften or it's a powerful ver it resonates as they say why M didn't go into first he tells him to hit the rock then he tell him to speak 40 years later then he gets upset that he that he hit The Rock when he told him to do it the first time around the idea that it was a new generation you have to know who you're talking to time no except you had K and yua but they didn't have to be whipped anyway and you had mosha himself you had people who left MIM but they were still little kids if they were younger than 20 then they could still be there but anybody that was 20 when they left or over they weren't there anymore besides the women the women were didn't die but the women anyway whipping you don't whip so the question was the men and the men it's a new generation was told me that he went to he went to went to AAA somewhere and uh decided to give a speech to the after you know and he said Riva went into a fit of rage he got very very angry that are looking to go to houses where there's going to be a good milal you know sh this one is going to make a lasagna and macaroni with cheese and cheesecakes and kala with cheese you know today the Shu menus are very used to be you took a piece of cheese and does it does but today it's already a it's pressure a lot of pressure to make the right food as as you have you know 10 different dishes all it's pretty interesting and elaborate it's exciting if you like so he was screaming at the Bim that this is what became of them and all they're busy with cheesecake he says behas don't behave like this beas eat what's in front of them and you guys and you're thinking about cheesecake and then the pasta and lasagna and Riv whatever all these foods and he was very very very upset at the so this person was in the Yeshiva I guess he was shaking up a little bit he's a very sensitive guy so he called me I don't know why he called me but fine he called me I happened to know the Riva also pretty well so I was just thinking to myself I'm sure the person meant very well but I want to know how many B influence that they shouldn't be interested in cheesecake as a result of his D know how many boys because of that said you know what cheesecake actually means nothing to me I want to know how many the answer is zero I can imagine I mean I can't say for sure but that's my assumption influence them not to go to these meals and then regret maybe not to go to the meals maybe to stay in Yeshiva and to resent the food and to get upset and the reason is because you can't take away a desire from somebody by force I could tell you not to do the desire by force I can whip you I could chain you up and not let you go but I'm not going to take on the contrary usually I will intensify the desire because now you don't even have it you just all you have is hope the only way you take away a desire is by you show the person what they really desire and you give them a desire that is so much more powerful that this is not really what's going to satisfy me so I said but I I told this guy if I was this R I would have given a very different speech I would have painted to them a picture what Shas could look like don't attack anything what Shu could look like and create a motivation inside of them you know that's the beginning that's the beginning of you know paint a picture of of what's your what's your cheesecake what's the cheesecake you have to offer you don't have a cheesecake to offer all you could do is say how horrible that cheesecake is so tell me what's your cheesecake let maybe your cheesecake is more exciting cuz once you could give them your cheesecake if you have cheesecake the other cheesecake fine okay it's a piece of cheesecake they won't they won't be occupied with it a whole week you know but that's much harder to do for this a cheesecake that's better bring desire to conscious for this before they like it's I'm going but tell them like maybe you should choose your meal not based on the cheesecake like Father whatever father the person who going you don't have to get into to give that message you don't have to get into a r No but IDE bring friend who is not married you know week I'm I'm thinking going for chicken ups but he he we nothing his week yeah there's also another issue and that is you want your boys to be able to trust you if you want to guide them and Mentor them not to be able to trust you what you just did is you showed them that you and them live in two different planets for you cheesecake it means the world and for your rashash he's disgusted with you so all I know is I'm not living in your planet you know maybe I respect you you're a very good guy but I certainly can't open to you what if you can empathize and identify and work with their heart and then you raise them up it's a whole different experience feel like you don't understand them yeah you don't understand me and me getting angry at you doesn't make you understand me it just makes you say okay here's another person who I don't relate to fine days ago work with teenagers they had same of food I made this and should talk about