Rabbi Benzion Klatzko - Lessons in Empathy

okay so good evening yeah it's been a very long day I started off today in um um I don't know what it's called Penn State University University Park pen Penn State it's about a 5 hour drive and R wallerstein's supposed to be here so I'm a very poor substitute but um I'm all you got so uh welcome uh they asked for a title for today and uh um I chose the Grinch Who Stole porm sort of reluctantly because usually when we think of grinches and stealing a different kugga comes to mind um and I don't want you to be thinking of that but I figured that Theodore gazelle was not uh was not uh Christian you you all know what Theodore was Dr Dr Seuss there we go Dr his real name his real name yeah the gazelle the gazelle was not uh passionate he was just making children's books and so he CH chose uh the Grinch so the Grinch could steal anything so the Grinch Stole perm and the truth of the matter is that I I have not given this year before but if it comes out the way it is in my mind it could be very valuable so before we begin with this I actually want to say something something um if you've been following the news this Friday something pretty remarkable happened um we know that there was a asteroid that was supposed to come right near to Earth as a matter of the closest one in history you aware that there was a it was uh it was quite close it was uh 50 yards across and if it had for example fallen on New York there would be no New York um it would have it would have fallen with the force of of a 100,000 atomic bombs and um it came very close as a matter of fact when I say the number it's not going to sound so close it actually came 177,000 miles from Earth uh that is ridiculously close for a for a asteroid that's flying at 8 miles per second uh 177,000 miles uh can very easily reach the Earth in a matter of hours and um we track not we but the United States government tracks these asteroids and uh they've made movies about it what happens the day that it that it that it crashes into Earth uh something uh an asteroid similar to the sides fell in the uh 1918 1915 in Siberia and cleared a th000 miles of forest just just wiped out all the trees it's a very scary thing when an asteroid Falls and so when ever an asteroid comes near uh the news reports are always okay this one's not going to hit but what are we going to do when it does hit what are we going to do and when asteroid comes near that's when the the chatter and the murmurs begin and they're going to throw an atomic bomb at it that's not going to do anything it'll just break it in half both both halves are going to fall on Earth it won't be great um they'll build a rocket and the rocket will nudge o nudge over the asteroid and move it out of its orbit one thing after the next but right now we don't we don't have a way of stopping an asteroid as a matter of fact there is a much larger asteroid that is supposed to come much closer to Earth in 2029 and on its second rotation around which will be 2036 there is a chance that it will hit Earth there's actually that's the first one in history that actually there's a there's a proper chance for it to hit and it it is much bigger than uh than the one that came near it is as large as a football field and if it smacks into the United States it will wipe out half the United States soem if you're around 2036 hasem you will you know that that it doesn't come near so here we are we're all watching very interesting and at 2:30 on Friday it's it's supposed to come the closest to Earth something remarkable happened just around the same time anyone know what a another asteroid that they didn't even see knocked it out slammed it no didn't knock out that would have been bizarre but another asteroid came into the atmosphere and slammed into Earth now it was much smaller this there's a mlus how big it was either the size of a school bus or maybe even as big as 50 ft whatever it is the force was way more than an atomic bomb except that the atmosphere burned it up even so the shock waves of it entering injured 1,200 people in Russia and it wiped out uh a million Windows million windows were destroyed because a million square feet of windows were destroyed from this so just picture this and by the way the the chance of the two happening on the same day the uh mathematicians calculated it the chance of both them happening the same day is one in 100 million so we sort of won the lottery in a bizarre way right so Friday night so I speak I have a little sh in my house a kak minion so I usually speak about something that has to do with the weak and tied into shabas or tied into the para and I call it my 12 122 thought of the week usually it lasts about double that so it's about 4 minutes um and sometimes it deals with politics but this time I was dealing with this this idea of these two things coming one hitting the Earth one coming near to the Earth so what's the lesson here and I was thinking the lesson is that we have a choice in life either to be y sh either to fear Hashem or to fear everything else when we have aun in Hashem that Hashem will take care not that we don't have to do our is because we do but when we have inem so then ultimately we are able to live our lives without cing but for those who don't believe in Hashem they're staring what's the next Calamity we have to avoid what's the next thing and why you're looking over here all the way from over there you weren't even paying attention you didn't look and it slams into Earth and your eyes can't be everywhere only hashem's eyes are everywhere because Hashem is everywhere and therefore what an amazing idea the idea that you know in in in um there's a book of sayings there's a very famous saying I'm sure you must have heard of it I think they use it in AA alcoholic synonymous but it's a great saying nonetheless and the saying goes let go let God I like it let go and let God okay you can e let go and let Hashem let Hashem do what Hashem is going to do and I I was thinking that's that's totally the message because the moment we think how are we going to control this asteroid another asteroid out of the blue and how do we miss it and everyone's looking over here and and that's not the first time that's happened when we fixate on one Calamity and from out of the blue another Calamity comes and we weren't even paying attention we can either be afraid and walk around in Mortal fear I get it all the time I try to get students to Israel and the mother doesn't let them the grandmother they saw on the news and the bomb said kid there hasn't been a there hasn't been a bom in years in Eric Tel and with a little thing you know Eric Tel is probably probably the safest country in the world would you agree with me you could walk out at night murder juanj murder is very rare kidnapping is unheard of the first kidnapping in Israel took place 25 years after Israel was made into a state it took 25 years for the first known kidnapping that was the fam famous yasa kidnapping right kidnapping murder barash they the Eric didn't listen to the world and build these huge walls it's literally kids go out of night you've been there at C they could just go parents don't know you know kids they build fires they jump over fire it's a Bagan but it's safe it's like but the parents they see on the news and they fix it and they sit there anyways I think uh I wanted to point that out because we we are living right after these two asteroids came near and I thought it was something interesting to talk about so PM is on its way excuse me can you expand on the idea of let go let God please yeah I don't want to expand on too much CU I have a lot to say but no problem I'll give you one line that um that we just have to remember okay A righteous person will live through amuna right A righteous person a person's righteous says you know what whatever Hashem wants to happen and that includes death it includes death when my brother was nther and my father had to get up and deliver his hpit was never to sleep he wasn't sick at all just went to sleep and never woke up four children you may you go on go on tourah anytime you'll hear the story it'll shake you up and I dare anyone who wants to listen to that levah it's recorded my kids can't do 5 minutes without breaking down my father gets up and what does the father say at his son's levah and the first words he said were and then he cried and then he lost it but he didn't lose it until he stay his position my position is life is I didn't do anything to deserve it I didn't signed any agreement right no one made any deals with me right we have a that hasem loves us more than we love ourselves that's amazing cuz we love ourselves a lot but he loves us more than that and when things happen and we go around not delusional and not naively and not la dah Hurricane Sandy happened people were out of houses disasters happened I just passed um I I when I was driving back from Pennsylvania so I went through Manhattan and I passed where the Twin Towers were who can who can drive by and not think that on this spot thousand of people died on this spot great richness occurred right here instead there going to be a shiny new building okay it actually ties into PM as well though not not actually my point Thank you you're welcome so when I when I say the Grinch has St perm I'm going to say something that is controversial I'll start with controversy and then we'll uh we'll smooth it over okay on Perm there is a minog to drink it's called the Min of drink until you don't know the difference between and drink right happened when the heart of the King was full of wine and you read about and you hear about and if you've been to especially if you're a guy which you're not but if you're a guy you'll hear your masim get up and say don't drink go to sleep instead drink a little it didn't mean this it didn't mean that right you go into Shool not all shoes but in many shoes and they are kids and they're dressed up as Queen Esther King aash a little prince Spider-Man the villain who know whatever they're dressed as and they've got their groggers and the balur he's reading the Milla right and it says and the kids are banging and after like three seconds Sha Sha Sha why why sha I thought you were supposed to bang by H sha we got to go on like where where are you running to are you worried about finishing the Milla f 5 minutes later or perhaps 10 minutes later the kids came to make noise right they want to make noise kids want to make noise legitimately why are you stopping them an adult or a quasi adult gets dressed up not a kid I'm talking you're not a kid even though speaks about getting dressed up the last Simmon and one minut after the next that we hear about when we're young get stolen from us get squashed don't make noise don't be don't go overboard and don't drink just go to sleep be tame be calm don't get dressed con it's y Kipper so concentrate on the Y Kipper aspect and my daughter came to me last week and she said you know what I feel tricked like when when we're young they're telling me do it's so much fun and there's oh sh right can't oh your friends you don't have to give the your friends don't go overboard don't give to two friends that's the I right thank you thank you give give to give give give to one friend two men them you've done your MIT that said you don't have to go and if you 100 people buy this extravagant sh that's not the Mitzvah says who everything every it's like the Grinch Who Stole perm is anyone feeling what I'm feeling right you all are you see anytime they won't see you nodding but I testify you're nodding it's like what's going on and I think we have to reclaim for him now each of these yakisha points I uh I grew up in a yakish and um very fine very fine sh but yakish a lot of yakis the r was a Yaky the gab was a Yaky the president was a Yaky everyone was a Yaky and um they Yi you know German German Yi German like from Frankfurt you know pink pink pink I Remember by hakas hakas every Haka will be 10 minutes y 10 minutes no more right and of course it's bam bck want to dance they want to go crazy you know 9 Minutes 55 seconds Here Comes This is broken 9 minutes and 55 seconds it's okay these these um these uh the Gaba comes in stop stop it's 10 minutes like but everyone's dancing they're having a great time they're but the watch the watch like but but the dancing but the watch there's a lot of that going on do you notice that a lot of the outer trappings that were supposed to be this the flavor and the spice of yish kite it was supposed to be gmach and somebody somewhere in some office is so nervous that we're going to forget the main idea that one one thing after the next sort of gets pulled away now there's no question that things can be overdone and I'll give you the examples a guy can get totally smashed get into a car or pass out out hit his head on the toilet seat end up and accelerate bad things can happen you can make too much noise by hamon the V didn't know Valk didn't know that you're going to continue make noise he continued reading and he missed a few words right but that's the reasoning like there's a reason behind it they're not just like the grin you stole it for no reason there's a reason but we're forgetting with all the reasons the inion itself was a big inion we have to know that when clly start has a mug there's very special reasons why we have it and it's to teach us very profound lessons and when we take away that kak kite and that spice we're not only taking away some of the zest and the reason that we looked up and we looked forward to it but the essence the the the inion is also being Tak taken away from us so I want to speak about the inan of PM one of the really key in one of the key ideas it's a wonderful idea and we'll show how the men hug catered to that idea and then we're going to speak about how to learn to incorporate that idea person comes over to shamai and says to shamai teach me the entire Torah on one foot shamai sends them away you're you're a l you're a you're arrogant out of here Hill comes teach me to one foot what does H [Music] say what you don't want right love your friend like you love yourself right the rest is purish Zeal GRE the rest is explanation go and um you you'll learn it what was the Shak of ataria what was the question what was the answer why was he coming and saying Teach me the Torah on one foot anyone know he was actually saying something about the Jewish people that was a criticism what he was saying was that Jews are very much in things for themselves we're very we're very introverted in terms of how we act it's all about me it's all about me I have to eat the shear at the right time I have to eat a big enough Shear I have to D I have to make sure I put on my T I have to light the Cs I it's me teach me how the Torah functions if it's all about One Foot Right you can't have a person existing too long if it's just one foot so what is Hill answer Hill says no you only think it's one foot the truth is is much more than one foot except that we incorporate the next person's pain so much into ours the next person's concern becomes so much part of our concern that it seems to you like we're in it for ourselves but really m your pain is my pain your concern is my concern you're having a tough time with paros then I'm having a tough time you're work you're having a tough time with then it's my tough time you're cold I'm cold you're hungry I'm hungry and he said wow so it's the opposite of what I thought I thought you all in it for yourselves but really the Torah is saying make everyone one else yourself everyone is you we call that empathy and that's going to be the subject of the E this evening empathy is the great Catalyst to becoming great in Judaism and becoming a great person I'm going to show you how to acquire it what is empathy what's sympathy what's empathy so sympathy means I understand that you're in pain I commiserate with you wow right I feel bad I'm sympathetic to your cause empathy is something different empathy is your pain is my pain whatever you feel I feel let's look at how the Torah functions like this the Torah says the love for you is like the love for me that's empathy what what you hate what you don't like don't do to your friend that's empathy again do you hear that if if you do it to your friend but you wouldn't like it then your friend's going to feel pain and you wouldn't want to feel that pain so you got to learn empathy love stranger empathy cuz you are strangers the very first mids from M how to take care of an because you were a it's the great energy behind Judaism is empathy Judaism is all about empathy it's about being able to feel the next person's pain and when we forget that one simple truth we could be sympathetic we could be B but we will never become like Hashem which is the Mitzvah we'll never become like Hashem because we don't really feel the next person's pain now it's hard to feel the next person's pain and we're going to speak about how to do that but let me show you where that fits into the Milla something that people don't think of a lot when aash made his sud on PM what vessels did he use what did he use for the mikdash when the Jewish people used those they drank from those when they attended the mishta that had those they were K of CLA they were K of Destruction why who can figure out why so you're saying there's a symbolism there the symbolism well it's more than symbolism right there is more I mean Epistles told this oo oo o I have to cut you out cuz she just in one line she just gave it to me excellent what did you say they weren't feeling hashem's pain Hashem is in pain thear speaks about other gar as wellem screams like a lion woe to the children that have to be sent away from the from the table of their father that had to send his children away Hashem is in pain Hashem is in Gus the went to Gus with us so you're going to use these and you're going to enjoy food kosher or not where's your sensitivity do you understand Hashem was in pain and you joyously eat I don't get it you hear the issue and therefore the Jewish people were K of Cl because that great Catalyst the feeling the pain you can't feel hashem's pain so what happens destruction is decreed on them so Esther goes and she has to visit aash and plead so what does she do she fasts so what did she tell morai to tell the rest of clel to do fast together with her why do they fast together with her so they should feel her pain they should feel what the Torah is going to be about they should feel if she's in pain and her life is in danger then they will learn what it means to feel to to know that your life is in danger we have to feel empathy that's why the Mitzvah that are on PM are empathetic mitzvah for example not only do we give doesn't sound like such a you know we before so we give but what do we also do we give shus M Manus why she doesn't need she doesn't need food she's got food she's not an H the answer is if PM is about feel the next person's pain then the way to connect with the next person is to give them something when you give them something you give them something of yours you invested in them and they become part of you and that's why is no big deal you want to give a 100 give a 100 you're just becoming more empathetic you're learning to see the other person's Joy just a little bit more and if somebody needs a big fat child and you got to spend 75 bucks I spend 75 bucks nothing wrong with that yeah if you're going to give it give it to an ani but there is an Indian to feel the next person not just a poor person there's a danger in only feeling a poor person you know the danger is you'll become a b why is that dangerous because it's not just be about being B is sympathy they get my sympathy NE the guy is sitting there outside it's 20° outside he doesn't right sympathy but you don't know what it's like to feel 20° outside but he does empathy means I'm going to feel you I'm going to be there I'm going to be present right one of the reasons one of the inan of drinking and anyone who's done this right and I'm not telling you to get drunk so don't that's not the it's not the thing there is an inion to get drunk those who know understand that when wine comes in when snaps comes in it has the same alcohol yet our foundation our secrets come out and you know what our secrets are sometimes our secrets are that I'm sorry I hurt you and I haven't had the guts to say it but I'm a little bit looser now maybe the secret is that I appreciate you in my life but I'm too strong to let you know that this is more of a man thing by the way but it's true nonetheless and one of the things one of the reasons that bam look forward to drinking is not so that they could act crazy but it's so that they can say things that need to be said in the most beautiful way and they're a little bit looser they're not so uptight my rebi one of my re was Mintz and R Min does a perm suda the second night of perm that lasts until the morning now today it's in Lakewood but it used to be in Flatbush and I used to go I was I went to Ziva my kids go to Ziva and one one uh one day it was right before perm they had hired a Spanish maid and they told the Spanish maid that tomorrow there's going to be a holiday called for where a bunch of teenagers come and get drunk so the Spanish maid actually used to work in a bar and she knew what it's like when teenagers get drunk vomit everywhere broken windows broken mirrors broken chairs blooded people pummeled so she's like oh no you know what a what a great time to start being a cleaning lady right before the holiday of drunkards so she comes the next day it comes in the evening there's plates around have to be cleaned up from basuda and she looks around and there are bam many many bam and they're sitting around at a table is in the front and the lights are dimmed and they're swaying back and forth and their eyes are shut and they're singing l she says okay now where the drunkards she says oh the that's them she said I I don't understand but they they're all drunk so this Spanish M turns to rebit sement and says these aren't drunkers these are angels these are a we the these are angels sitting there the Beautiful music in the candle light because when you've got good inside of you and you drink good comes out of you so just to to whitewash the whole thing there's an empathy that's one of the beautiful things I look forward to per because I get to tell people what I really feel about them since I love everyone pretty much I I I'm able to tell them and you know and it makes them feel good and it's true right there is a mids of empathy and on Perm when we really work at it and we feel the next person's pain right why is it for example that we that we clap by hon why do we clap by hon well right there's a um is a very famous uh famous magish that says that e was one of the three people who sat by par when par was trying to figure out what to do with the Jewish people and there was Y and there was bam and there was e and yra said let him be bam said kill him and said nothing so each one got what was coming to them yes got a son inw who who's our re forever phum was killed by the sword through M and what about EO e gotum he got chastisements he suffered sufferings that today has become synonymous with with suffering when you say wow he suffered like e cuz he lost everything he lost his field he lost his cattle he lost his wife he lost his kids and even on his own body he had boils so the Bali musers say why why did I deserve all that he didn't say anything he didn't say to kill the yiden and the answer that they give and they give it in Yiddish is V isman which means if it hurts you scream you now if something hurts if you could sit there and see evil if you could see wrongdoing and not say anything then it means you're not really feeling the pain that's what we say in cabala shabas those who love Hashem they hate evil they can't stand it so when we hear about hamon when we hear what hamon stood for when we know what our mullik stood for if we could stomach that and not make noise and not try to wipe away evil it means that we're not feeling we're not feeling pain H wanted to wipe everyone out everyone's going to be wiped out so what do we do we hear evil that's also part of empathy as a matter of fact in Psychology that is called angry empathy angry empathy means to feel bad for the one who is being abused and to want Justice to be given to the one to the abuser it's angry empathy anger empathy so each thing on Perm there's an inan behind it and that is empathy so now I want to get a little bit into empathy now what is empathy and what is it not can you give someone empathy no you can give someone sympathy right you can't give anyone empathy although if you were making a list of the most important character traits in a man that you want to marry what would they be you'd have anger right that would be one to 10 would that be a 10 that' be a 10 right you don't want the guy to get angry what about honesty be a 10 empathy should be an 11 empathy is so important if you're married to someone who doesn't know how to understand what you're going through you will feel very alone and very lonely so what is empathy so I want to Define empathy in the following way empathy is not something you give empathy is being present for someone fully I am there for you totally I'm not thinking about what to say next I'm not thinking of educating you I'm not giving you advice I am simply there for you totally and completely and that's why much of empathy is tied into listening you can't feel someone's pain and they won't know that you're feeling their pain unless you know how to listen if you're trying to give advice if you're trying to give guidance while listening think of it like this if you're you got you have a tube you want to squeeze something out of the tube either it's coming out or it's going in but if they're if both are trying to happen nothing's going anywhere so if you're trying if the person's trying to unload on you let you know where they're coming from why they're in pain what their issues are and at the same time you're trying to give them advice you're trying to give them guidance then they're not going to hear the guidance and you're not going to be there for them so nothing's happening people who are great in empathy understand that empathy means I am totally totally there for you remember I learned to you know you you could act I don't know if any of you have ever read a book or even seen a film that was very very sad and you found yourself tearing up and then you were angry at yourself for tearing up for a fictional character yeah like why do I why am I crying she didn't really die she is as soon as they said cut we we I'm going to leave this down there there we go thank you for being empathetic yes I'm great I'm great yes the the um you you look at that you look at that person and you feel you feel bad for them the truth of the matter is I'm not telling you to go run around to see movies but uh I grew up in I grew up in a home where there were we don't have movies now but I grew up when there was when there were movies and certain movies made me all teary up and I'd be upset like why am I getting nothing really happened yeah but it's so realistic I really I really believe it it's not a bad thing to feel to practice empathy CU you could practice to become a little more present I remember this is this scarred me for life I was maybe 7 years old when I saw this it was Donald Duck you know Donald Duck no one even watch right Donald Duck boy that's my Donald Duck impression Forever on tour any time CL Donald Duck so um Donald Duck he had these three neph three nephews right three little nephews and Louie huy and Louie huy and dwey there we go I got two of three two or three little human Dey and it was their Uncle they're not his kids they're his nephews right so they wanted to buy their Uncle Donald a present for his birthday so they wanted to buy him a present so they had heard that he liked to smoke cigars I think this was made a long time ago because they wouldn't they wouldn't do this anymore but they heard he liked to smoke cigars so they went out they saved money they went they they earned money and they bought them a box of cigars and they used to have this Clubhouse so they went up to their Clubhouse and they're about to wrap it for their Uncle Donald when Uncle Donald surprises them and comes up and he sees them sitting around and there's a box of cigars and he says you know I'll teach you a lesson not to smoke and he takes the cigars and he shoves them into all their MTH so they each have 10 cigars sticking on lights them all up and they're and they're smoking their face turning blue because they can't handle the smoke and fumes and they and they all they all faint on in the clubhouse and he goes that'll show them and then he's about to leave he seizes a little card on the floor he picks up the card says to our dear Uncle Donald we love you so much with all of our heart so we bought you this present the cigars and he's like ah and that was the end of the very uh damaging little cartoon that they show to a seven-year-old and I'm I'm watching this and I'm feeling so angry but also sad for these kids and the uncle didn't give them a chance and yes they're ducks and yes they're a cartoon and nothing happen someone's crying here okay I it's okay it's okay empathy empathy is a beautiful thing even at a young age did did you ever notice by the way that when somebody yawns when somebody yawns that other people yawn have you ever wonder why is that yawns are not catchy it's not a virus it's the weirdest thing isn't it it's like and it doesn't work if it's a fake yarn did you know do you ever notice that you try that try you can go like this but it's a fake you andk no's going to suddenly start yawning unless I just gave you that suggestion now okay hold it back hold it in okay that's a St right right but but there there's this like crazy you ever wonder why why is you oh there we go we got a y here it worked get it out of your system so why why is y and catchy there we go second sorry sorry not that the Shar is beautiful H it's going to be fun to watch over so what why do why do other people yawn yawns aren't catchy the answer is Ys uh Ys work with empathy Ys work with empathy meaning when you see another person tired when you see another person sort of bored you commiserate with them and in order to show well I'm there with you like you it's the craziest thing can you imagine they've done studies that if someone yawns but no one else sees them the yawns not catchy you think you didn't see other person but you saw them or heard them not only that but people that have autism and by with autism you lose the ability to be empathetic to a large degree they don't they can't they don't have catchy Ys because the empathy is gone and they did this amazing study where they show different images and they gauged people's empathy to the images and some people are more empathetic and some are less empathetic so I I feel like I created an epidemic of youan here it's great I should be a hypnotist instead so um and uh they did this study and and they figured out who naturally is the most empathetic some people have very little empathy one of the problems with narcissism people who are very narcissistic is that they don't have the ability or they' erased from themselves the ability to feel empathy if you can't feel the next person's pain all Rus mercy and compassion all comes from empathy and it begins at the age of two it's when we first begin empathy so therefore the people who are most empathetic when they looked at the pictures were also the first ones to yawn in an experiment crazy stuff right yeah could be a reason yes it could there's a lady you want for like 40 years lady also sneezed for 40 years but yeah it could be a person wants to get more oxygen but but EMP empathy is a very big big thing they noticed that even in in monkeys this concept of empathetic Ys just very interesting so let's um so let's let's figure out what empathy is and then how we could become as empathetic as possible okay so I I wrote down a few notes to remind myself number one remember this empathy is about following it's not about leading it's a very critical rule to know empathy means I will be your follower I will not be your leader a leader is someone who gives advice someone who gives guidance someone who gives suggestion questions a follower just listens a follower says I want to understand where you're from I want to know I want to be there for you so when you decide to be empathetic you're make up your mind to be a follower and one of the best ways that you could demonstrate that you're a follower is by showing by giving feedback that you're following and therefore you ever have somebody who says you know you you went through something very difficult so you say you so the person says to you oh you know I I know exactly how you feel but you know because the same thing happened to me oh you went you you got into a car crash yeah I know how you feel CU I also got into a car crash that's not empathy that's sympathy there are people I mean I notic this when I do interviewing who everything gets turned around to be speaking about themselves it's uh it's somewhat annoying if you you ever you ever had a friend like that like you cannot have a conversation with them and tell them an experience unless they've had a similar experience that they could share with you and they don't mean any harm by it but that's for sure not empathy empathy means I'm not going to I'm not going to tell you my experience I'm going to be there in your experience I'm going to be there totally for you so to say for example you know I feel your pain you know you ever ever have someone to say say that to you and you say to yourself no you don't really and your mind say you don't really understand what I'm going through you don't you can't right they can't understand another person until you've walked a mile in their shoes so goes the say it's an actually an Indian saying right right moccasin right originally that's of course the Torah has the equivalent right until you are where where they were right but if they just say hey I feel your pain maybe they do maybe they don't so you know what you have to do you have to tell them what it is that you're hearing so for example if someone says you know I had a and I thought this was it like he gave me every suggestion that this was going to be it and you know he kept saying yeah we're I'm going to meet your parents like like he did everything but say will you marry me and then all of a sudden I get a call from he decided that it's not so someone comes to you and they're broken they're broken it's a terrible thing you feel jipped you feel tricked you feel uh LED so if you're the person listening to them what do you say back first you say nothing and then in order to show that you feel where they're from you could say I see you're hurting if I understand correctly you really thought this was it right yeah I really did right and and you you thought that did yes reflect and you should know that many times when you just sit there and listen and reflect the person's issues will be solved by that person on the spot my husband doesn't listen to me you know it's all about him it's all about him wow if I'm hearing you correctly you you don't feel listened to yeah he comes home and he's busy and he's doing his work and he's not there for you yeah but you know what maybe maybe I should be there for him like a few minutes after he comes home from work and then maybe he'll be more and and the person will solve it on their own because you didn't judge because you didn't advise you were just there it's a beautiful I'm giving you very good advice how to be empathetic and therefore if you want to learn to be like Hashem you'll be like hasem and you want to be empathetic you want to show the person right did not have to leave inas it could have stayed it could have stayed instead the was go itself to feel CL isel's pain so if you want to feel the next person's pain you want to be empathetic the key word is be there for them and be patient be patient go slow be ready to sit there for a while while they themselves sort out what their issue is now they say women are better at being empathetic than men it's true it's true naturally women are better listeners but it's still true also that sometimes we want to give advice sometimes we want if we have good advice you know what we have to do we have to ask permission if we want to be empathetic but we want to say something ask permission say if I'm hearing you correct ly you're really upset that this guy LED you on and led you to believe you were going to get engaged right I'm thinking of something and I would share it with you but I I I only want to do it if you if you feel like now is a good time you know it's just an IDE but if now is not a good time that's totally okay because this is a very important moment and right you ask permission and maybe the person will say no no I I just want to I want to Stew in this a while I want to sort it out in my mind mind I just need you to be there for me okay so what I want to do now just to finish up is I want to give you six keys or tools how to become Masters at empathy wouldn't that be great every person wants a friend who knows how to be empathetic and every spouse wants a spouse who knows how to be empathetic so let me give you the keys how to train yourself to become true okay number one cultivate a curiosity when it comes to speaking to people who you don't know a lot of times we're very comfortable in our in our Circle she's my friend she's not my friend I know him I don't know him they're totally not like me right cultivate a curios when you're you have a new person you're sitting on a bus you're you're you're you're going somewhere you're at a park people are people are very complex they're a puzzle they're they're whole they're a whole novel unto themselves and if you want to become empathetic you have to learn to get into the next person's life it takes practice right now the people you know you didn't have to practice you know them because you spent many years around them right they're your friends you've known them for a long time but to get to know a new person as a chore oh no right remember the new person coming to the class oh no will they accept me will I accept them will they be normal will this be right it's it's a it's like a big thing in your mind to overcome but you're not going to learn empathy unless you practice getting getting to really be there present for people and people that you don't necessarily know I'll tell you a quick little story My Brother who passed away um during the seven days of Shiva a man comes into the Shiva and says you know I um I want to wish you I want to be for your brother I said how did you know Gabriel he said well actually I only met him for 5 minutes I said you met him for 5 minutes and you came to he said yeah but those 5 minutes changed my life I said okay what's the story he said well I was on a bus this was an Israel I was on a bus it was an egged bus and I'm sitting there minding my own business when this young guy comes onto the bus sits down next to me and he says Shalom like wow that's pretty friendly and he begin to speak with me and after a few minutes he says I have a question for for you what are you doing for the Jewish people he said excuse me Gabriel said what are you doing you're a good-look fellow you're articulate you seem very smart you're tall you've got a presence a guy like you could really have an effect on people what are you doing for the Jewish people and he said I don't know what to tell you and then Gabriel said oh it's my stop I got to get off have a great day and he leaves the bus and the guy guy says the rest of the day the question was rattling around in my head what are you doing for the Jewish people so the next day I signed up for a group called arim which is sort of like uh like gateways in Israel teaches about Judaism and today I'm one of the lectures I go around teaching farim why because of a curious person who sits on the bus and shows interest I grew up around a father and I don't know I don't think my father watches these but he I looks up I look up to him very much and he would invite guests and the guests would sit right near him and he would ask the guest about themselves and he would get so deep into the guest's life and I have to tell you growing up some of the guests were more boring than dry paint you know like what what is so interesting about doorknobs door he sells door knobs wow okay next and my father said great let me ask you what about these high price door knobs and is there like a mechanism what they get how do you and he do you find like new house like and I don't know like enough with the door knobs you know it's and each person each shabas he would sit down with a person and he would just show this intense interest and one of the things I looked up to my father about was the fact that he knew pretty much everything about everything and then I realized why because he would sit and learn everything about everyone so at that point or at some point not not when I was young at some point I decided I have to practice this so I travel a lot on a plane so now when they put me next to someone I I take advantage I'm sitting next to an older fellow I'm speaking to them what do you do he says I sell blankets quilts great I got a million questions about quilts you do yeah I wanted to know is it down real and what what does it come from a duck does it come from a goose and what what does it mean a 300 uh 300 count thread and 400 the Egyptian cot and better and what's a good price for down and how long supposed to last and oh I was like he was so excited to find the stranger interested in blanket but I got to tell you a little while later I bought a blanket and I knew what I was doing little light going on in your head it's an amazing thing I sat next to a fellow just last week and he I sat next to two guys well on the way there I was going to Texas so on the way there I sat next to this Cowboy like guy whose job he was in the US Army before and his job was to disassemble nuclear uh Warheads heavy duty right on the way back on the way back um I'm sitting next to two guys one guy works for a computer company so I have my website shabbat.com they sponsor this somehow and um so I'm asking him about search engine optimization and then the guy to my left so he looked like a real rough fellow he's like an overweight fellow got tattoos everywhere like I figur oh you know this is some sort of a drugie but like he made a comment to me like after I finished speaking to the guy to my right he made some sort of a comment to me and the comment was told me that he wanted a little bit of attention so speaking to him it turns out the guy's a major big shot he arranges concerts for the top rock stars in the world he is the concert manager that's why he's all tattooed up so forget I had a million one questions to ask him right very God how do you do it how do you have toat to them what happens doesn't sell he's like wow guy so so interested I'll even tell you I do it for a different reason but I'm like one of those weird people who I travel every week usually by plane and I ask for a middle seat and the lady you want a middle seat I said yeah so the main reason I do is because I'm hoping to sit next to a Jewish person and it almost always works right it's twice a chance right but if it's not a Jew then at least I have somebody interesting to talk with I prefer the ey like for convenience but but like to get the most out of it give me a middle seat okay so here we go we're going to knock this out pretty quick cuz I got to get home here we go number one oh so we did that number one cultivated curiosity think about so here's my challenge for you once a week once a week go over to somebody who is you don't know sort of a stranger and find out about them don't Grill them okay anyone up for this go over to somebody you don't know even if it's painful even if you're sh shy Wallflower go over and get to know them it'll teach you empathy okay number two challenge your prejudices and for those that you I'm use yeshivish parlance those that you don't hold of people don't hold of I don't hold of this group this group I'm not comfortable with this group is a these a bunch of challenge yourself to figure out what they're about where are they coming from it's an amazing thing it's an amazing thing there is a lot of going on and there always has been and do you know how I know because mashia would be here if there wouldn't be S so there are groups that we're not comfortable with I want to tell you a story there was a a fellow by the name of Clayborn not not a Jewish fellow and he grew up in like real the real real deep south he grew up white uh he was um certainly against uh uh blacks African-Americans and um when he got older he became a he joined the KKK kok Clan just like his daddy did and he eventually Rose to the very top of the kok's clan and uh he was he was the they're called the Cyclops he became a cyclops in the cucks clan and you know these guys they hate Jews they hate blacks and then he got a an assignment from the government and the assignment was to join a black activist who was a lady to try to promote certain things within the school system and this lady he knew her and he hated her but he wanted to you know cater the government show he's a good citizen he's an American so begrudgingly he accepted and he went about this project with with this lady and he spent over a week among these African-Americans and he got to know them he got to know the children he got to know the families and at the very end they had like a little banquet and in front of everyone he tore up his kuok's clan card just tore it up all it took was to see who they are and where they're coming from to as we say humanize them and if we could do that to anyone in this world how much more so should we be willing to do that to other Eden so all the hatred that exists out there well they're Wu they're kabad they're bre they're satmer they're yeshivish they're this that and I'm not them to somehow figure out that them is really you and there's no one here literally no one who can't find some common ground and learn empathy if you were to spend a little bit of time in their shoes growing up as the Yesa Bak I was a hotthead I'll be honest I was a hotthead and um there were many things that you know yes B would become a little militant some of us and I was a I was a militant guy you know let's do it right there's Emison Checker I don't want to hear and my wife says in your old age you've mellowed I've mellowed I mellowed a lot and and and I didn't mellow by accident I mellowed on purpose by trying to find out I remember my brother offered me to go to uman on rashishana to go to uman now I had my opinions about about breast I did and I still do doesn't mean my opinions are are radically changed the beauty of empathy is you don't have to agree you just have to see you could disagree with somebody and still be empathetic with them this it's important to know this right my DK is not their D but this year will be my fourth time going to a man like daving is great there it's amazing it's amazing my wife lets me go all right but it was such a lesson it was such a lesson for me here are people you you know it's so easy to dismiss and you want to dismiss sat go around with the you want to dismiss spend the shabas in new Square you want to dismiss Yu go go to a go to a ncsy event and Y is Yu it's it's it's it's OU you want to dismiss don't dismiss put yourself in the other person's shoes and you'll learn empathy okay number three so number three is is is somewhat similar I call it try out another person's life which means not a group not a belief system but just figure out we're so quick to judge that but we forget that the other person has baggage you know there was a mother who who's she you know she was sort of she had the kids home they had cancelled school that day so she tells her little Mishi she says Mishi let's set the table for shabas and Mishi was really getting out of hand as well he was being very loud so that we keep Mishi busy now little elisheva who's 177 months old is like tagging around it's like getting in the way she says myi let's go take out the tablecloth from the drawer go get it and mishi's like six years old five six years old so Mishi goes into the other room to get the tablecloth and a moment later the mother hears screaming she hear screaming and she comes and she sees there's little elisheva and she's got her finger slammed in the drawer and she sees that M she did it couldn't slam her own fingers in the drawer but didn't he's just standing there she did it on purpose and she's yelling and she's screaming and she and the fact that he shows No Remorse he's not even sorry that he did it she was boiling over and then she stopped She said you know what I did a little empathy for Mishi he's going stir crazy maybe I've been a little bit short with him lately maybe I've been giving Ellie Sheva a lot more attention which I have and maybe he did something wrong and he knows it but it's his way and and she was very very U after she yelled he was like saying Go away Mommy I don't want and and she was thinking why are you saying Go away You're the one who did the wrong thing are I should be upset or Elish sha should you have no right to be upset but he was coming from somewhere now he asked the Lord Of course that the way you solve your problems not by slamming your sister's fingers in the drawer but empathy would have allowed her to be a better mother a lot of times we see somebody going coming around collecting Sedaka right away want to judge them why don't you have a job well is this what you're going to do the same that you use to go around collecting use that to get a job right as if that's the easiest thing to do as if you know it's just so easy to find a job some people don't interview well some have tried and then some people that's only thing they're good at is collecting money some people are depressed but we're so quick to judge them partly because we don't want to give them our money so I'd rather judge them than give them our money so try figuring out what what it's like to be in the next pres shoes there is a museum in ER isra it's a really really good Museum it's called The Blind Museum ever been there you been there great museum you go there the museum is in a building and the whole building is it so dark uh it threw me totally off I brought a group there and it was so dark that I got nauseous I can't describe it to you I came in and when you're so deprived they make they seal off everything there's no cracks of light no matter how long you're there your eyes cannot adjust it's just Blackness and you're going through a building room after room and part and it's supposed to teach you how to be a um I it supposed to teach you how blind people feel how they have to go around life so one room you have to identify what's in the room and you have to make your make your way around and the last room you actually have to go to a store and spend money you have to figure out what money you're right in one room they play music and you learn how deep music is when you don't have eyes compromising you know the senses and then spoiler alert you could clever your ears and then they tell you the secret of the end your tour guide Is Blind yeah they don't tell you that in the beginning you find that out at the end right two God Is Blind so it's it's just an amazing experience and they have a death Museum as well there it's not as effective but I went with our group as well they they have these ear muffs that cover you over totally you can't hear anything and you have to function in the whole tour not being able to hear anything it's like sort of again it throws you off okay number four listen hard and open up lizar open up simply means what we were saying before listening AR means I am I am not thinking what I'm going to tell you next I'm not thinking about I have to get home and do homework I'm not thinking about anything but you I am being a very active listener and not only that but I'm going to be very honest with how I'm feeling about what you're saying which means that if I am opening my mouth I will show you that that I'm just as vulnerable as you are so listen hard and open up and remember we said listening is following we said listening is reflective listening giving back and and simply showing the person that you are there for them number five number five involves inspiring a lot of people hopefully some of you are being inspired to go home and practice your empathy chops you'll become great listeners and great friends you can Inspire change in the world I'll give you an example and this is a tough example to say on um uh on uh on record but I'll say it anyways you know every Community has its issues and there were certain issues that dealt with children that for years were not spoken about and a lot of a lot of a lot of grief and a lot of sadness has happened with those issues and now because there is a certain amount of empathy that people are feeling these issues are slowly being brought to the Forefront and we're going to work on them and throughout our history there were there there have been issues that really had to be spoken about whether it was the auna issue or the shid issue or tuition issue or parosa issue or issues that involve abuse and not just child abuse but spousal abuse the only way that we can motiv at action in mass is through empathy you know China is in a lot of trouble these days because China there's a little country called Tibet and China believes that Tibet is part of China and therefore and there's a war going on and the war um you know it's it's not an active War but essentially the Dal Lama is involved and T Lama wants Tibet to be its own country so Tibetans but all of a sudden China is on their heels CU you know what tiet the the Tibetans you know what they're doing now self IM molestation they are burning themselves they are pouring gasoline on themselves lighting themselves on fire and to date as of recently a 100 people did this and there's nothing that brings forth the empathy of the world more than looking at someone and say wow this person had it so bad that they are willing to burn themselves in a horrific death rather than live under such conditions and China doesn't know what to do with them with itself because they're very concerned because they know I mean I don't want to give advice to the Palestinians but if they want simp ay from the world that's the way to go they shouldn't be trying to attack us let them burn themselves up because at least that sounds like a a self-serving uh I don't mean that but but that's how you get sympathy you get Sympathy by uh by showing how difficult things are to create a mass movement so right now we have that ability to create a mass movement so if you want to become more empathe think a little bit globally think of what issue hits home and join an organization that makes that issue your cause believe me in college campuses around the country they have their issues of course it's like like saving the whales or saving the trees or like oh we need whales and trees but you know let start with home helping people helping kids at risk helping kids who are who need remedial help but the parents can't afford it and the schools don't offer it right be a big big sister right you can create a movement okay and now we have the very last one the last one is be ambitious when it comes to empathy and be ambitious means that we have a certain comfort zone and our comfort zone is like this is what I'm comfortable sharing this is you know this is me this is you we we need our boundaries do you ever have a you ever go to a concert which was not very full and someone and there's a lot of empty seats and someone sits right next to you and you say one second buffer zone buffer zone we need that right we can have a buffer zone there's me and then there's the a chair and then there's you why do we want that buffer zone we want it because we're not comfortable we're not comfortable sharing the next person's life it makes us squirm a little bit so be a little bit bold in your attempts to be empathetic start with your family start with your sibling start with your best friend I tell my MCC Carvin when they go out onto a college campus I said don't make Kaneka parties you'll never get to know anyone instead take people out to coffee and listen just take him out to coffee and listen friend for half an hour ask a few questions don't interrogate them but listen how many of us go to school with people or go to college or go to Shum and we know each other by Smiles hello how are you you probably don't know my name but maybe you do maybe you don't but uh besides that probably not too much right to sit down with somebody and really really feel what they're about it takes effort it takes time so that is the lesson of PM lesson of PM is feel the next person's pain give the give the we all have masks take off your mask or put on the mask if you need to for a little bit right sometimes your curiosity or openness will be a mask it won't be that genuine because they're not comfortable so put on a mask right that's part of the lesson you don't really see a person who they are you see their mask you have to peel it away so you know where they're from listen to every word they say you notice that in the Milla if you miss even one word of the Milla it's the only thing even that's but by m every single word you have to hear because when it comes to empathy when it comes to understanding you have to be there totally you hearing Right is coming up more empathy empathy you see you see this trend this is the so my BR is we should learn empathy become empathetic Masters and this way we'll make the world a better place have a good night