Rabbi Benzion Klatzko: Shidduchim- The Professional Edition

Okay. Hello everybody. Shalom. And tonight's talk is called the professional edition. It's a very very strange name for a talk because the nature of shukim are if you're a professional, you're probably not good at it. It's like this guy is really good at marriage. He's done it four times. So, how can you have a professional addition when it comes to shukim? And the truth of the matter is what um you know you you you must have heard so many so many shukim talks that is coming out of your nose and like get me a guy ready. Stop with the talk. Just give me somebody. Okay. So, I'm not getting you anyone tonight. You can call me. I'll I'll look around. I'll be happy to. But what I want to do is I want to give you a few tools and they're more like they're more like tips that perhaps you haven't heard before or maybe you've heard it but you've heard it couched in a in an hourong drussia so it got swallowed up so I'm just going to make it more bullet pointish but I feel like whoever speaks about has to um has to be very open about their own experiences because uh if I tell you to do one thing and I did something else. So I'm not uh I'm not quite being um as straight as I should be. So the first thing I want to tell you is I am I'm married now 22 years. So um Barash Barashem to a wonderful uh woman named Shani. She was a Juravel originally and each and every day of my life I appreciate her more than I did the day before. Um I I want to tell you how we met. So sometimes people come and they give a little shock story. I got a weird one as I heard Rabbi Wstein also does. So we go we're going headtohead over here. So I was very young when I when I uh got engaged. Um well let's back up a little bit. I was going to Yeshiva in Cleveland. And then one day I said, "You know what? I'm going to go to yeshiva in New York." And I checked out a a few uh a few different yeshivas to see where I wanted to go. And I ended up going to one particular yeshiva. I chose that yeshiva and Hashem runs the world. And I'll show you how that played itself out. I get to the yeshiva and everyone had beds already and the the rooms were very limited in this yeshiva and I was the last one in and I came from Cleveland, Ohio in New York and there were no beds. Now, how do you think that makes me feel? I'm all alone. Little kid, you know, no bed, no, they don't have a bed for me, so I'm feeling unwanted. So, I um So, the mashki takes me from room to room. Is there room for a bed? Can we put a bed here? There's no room for a bed. Finally, we're in the very last room. No matter what, we've got to get a bed in this room because there's this out of town kid from Cleveland who needs a bed. So I look around at the room and there's really no room. But the the mashkar says, "You know what? If we move this bed this way and that dresser that way, we could fit a bed right over there." And most of the people in the room said, "Yeah, let's do it." They had a lot of people in that room. There were like eight people in the room already. I'd be person number nine. And I remember all sharing a bathroom. So there was one particular guy who was less than thrilled, understandably. And he was saying, you know, we don't really have room. It's another, you know, it's really going to be squished and we don't have another dresser. And and I'm thinking to myself that this is not so gushmak to um this is not so gushmak to not be welcomed into a room. Here I am from Cleveland and this guy is just not very welcoming. So I say to myself, you know what? I understand him. You know, here here I am coming into a room and uh and there's no beds and he's going to have to be squished and shared bathroom. not his fault. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go out of my way to make this guy my close friend. And he is gonna know that it's a good thing I ended up in the room. And I spent time with him and we bonded and I married his sister. Yes. And then I took his brother and I made a sh with his brother and my sister. So then we had two with his family. Yeah. It's a brother and a sister married a brother and a sister. We did that twice in our family. So we have two brother sister married two brother sisters. So we we keep to a minimum whenever whenever possible. So that's that's how I um that's how I met my wife. Now the truth is I was very young then. I was 16 years old and um I had this weird thing. You know, this is not going to sound very rabbitic and I don't know how this will play out in Torah anytime, but I I always wanted to um remember the first moment I met my wife. You know, I I grew up in Cleveland. We grew up with a television and you know on on television or in a movie when when you meet the one you hear violins, don't you? You hear the angels and like I wanted to hear the ha. The problem is like I never actually knew who it was. So like is that a ha moment? So see he invites me over to his house for shabas. This roommate of mine and he says I have five sisters. Now the truth is I was a very kosher baka. I never spoke to girls just as a disclaimer. But in my mind they said well could be I'm going to end the marriage. You know it's possible down the road. So the younger sister walks in and she's three and I'm 16. And I think, "Oh, that's that age gap is just unacceptable." Then the next one walks in and she's six. Next one walks in, she's nine. And then we got 12. And then finally the 14year-old walks in. And 14 and I'm 16. I think ah this could be my basher. It could be. Never said a word to her. Said good chabas because they used to invite me over a lot. So I say good shabas to everyone but at least I remember the first moment. So then that was it. I was 16. I went to the yeshiva 17 18 I went to learn init and I had the opportunity to speak to Rabshak. Um and I went into and I spoke to him about different things. He asked me about my yeshiva and the learning. And then he said to me where do you plan on living after you get married? I said well I would love to live in Israel. He said, 'If that's the case, go get married early. In America, they wait, but in Israel, they get married early. So, I don't know, part of me was really thrilled because I wanted to get married already. So, I called my uh father and I said, um, I'm coming home. I was I just turned 19, by the way. And I told I told my fathershock says I should get married. Got to listen to So, um, so he says, "Okay, you know, we'll talk about it." So it was uh it was right before Sukus and there was a flight from Erid Ciserel to New York and then there was a stopover overnight and then Cleveland. So I had to find a place to stay in New York overnight. So I went to New York. I got my luggage, flew lal Israel to New York and I decide to stop by my roommate's family. And right before then I had bought I went to Kova hat store and I bought a hat. You know you're going to be a kassen eventually you need a hat. So I bought myself a Kassen hat. Well I knock on the door and you know my friend's mother o opens the door and says ah Ben how you doing? Are you you're back from Eritis? I said yeah. She goes why you back for? I said actually I'm I'm back for shim. So she looks at me and she says, "Don't you know like we have you in mind for our daughter." So I said I said, "Yeah, I I sort of figured that like I got an inkling." So she she says, "You want to go out with her now?" And I was standing at her front door. I just arrived with I had my luggage over here. Want to go out with her now? I'm not going I was I just turned 19. So I said, "Yeah." So she calls up to her daughter who's doing her homework. She just just started 12th grade. She said, "Shan, he Ben's back from Erit Cisel. You want to go out with him now?" So she said, "Give me five minutes." She later revealed to me that during those five minutes, she brushed her hair. And and that was it. That was our first day right there. We we didn't go out. We actually went to their pesak kitchen and we sat down and I'm telling you after like 45 minutes it was a done deal. Like I like we're like it was it was there. It was there. We're talking about Okay, let's get to the cut to the chase. How many kids? Where are we going to live? You know, so I uh I call my uh father. Uh I call my father and said, "Guess what? I'm engaged." He said, "Guess what? No, you're not. And we got into a little fight on the phone. My mother picks up the third line, says, "Okay, you two calm down." Then she says, "Listen, then see, you know, we trust her judgment, but you can't get engaged till we meet the girl." Anyways, I come back for a sec cuz I come back to New York. I go out with her again over Chabas, which was all like 24 hours worth. And we spent a lot of hours over that Chavez together. And that was it. They flew me back to Israel sort of in limbo. Am I engaged? Am I not engaged? I think I'm engaged. So I told I told this girl, Shnie, I said, "You know what? We got to take an engagement picture because as far as we're concerned, it's done." So we have our I still have that engagement picture. That's our own engagement. Meanwhile, my parents heard, "Okay, we got to see this girl." But she just like jumped jump and he wants to marry this girl. So they call her up a few weeks later and they said, "Listen, there's a wedding, a New York Cleveland wedding, and there's a bus coming in from New York to Cleveland. Could you get on that bus? Come to us for Shabas." Now, could you imagine going on your own? She is 17 years old, and just at the mercy of your potential mother and father-in-law without me there, and they could just like with a magnifying glass look at you for the next 24 hours. So, she was very brave and bold and she went to Cleveland and my parents fell in love with her and my parents called me up and said, "Okay, you picked a winner. We admit uh we will let you get engaged, but my rabbi uh in yeshiva said, "Look, I you know, we I'm happy you're engaged, but you're not going to get engaged." What happened was her her parents told her, "Look, we're happy that you're engaged, but you cannot get married until you graduate high school." And therefore, uh, we were instructed to keep the fact that that that we were engaged under wraps. So therefore, we were not allowed to tell anyone that we were engaged. Now, could you imagine being engaged, but you can't tell anyone? And I'm in Israel and she's in Burough Park and neither of us are allowed to say anything. And I'm going out of my head like I gotta tell people I'm a I can't tell anyone because my rashiva at that time said it's going to distract you from your learning. So don't tell anyone because once you're distracted so so one day I'm I'm in a pizza shop and I'm sitting there eating my pizza in Jerusalem and um another baker comes in and he buys pizza. I take my pizza. I walk over to his table and I sit down. And I said, "Hi, my name's Ben Klatsko. What's your name?" He tells me his name. I said, "Look, I don't know you from Adam, but I got to tell somebody I'm a custom." He says, he says, "Sher, I'm willing to listen. Shar, tell me." So, look, I'm engaged with this girl. Masleto, that's so nice, but I can't tell anybody. You're the first guy who knows, and it's wonderful. Okay, but I just I have to keep it a secret. But knowledgeably, somebody knows. Little did I know that his cousin was was the ru was a classmate of the kala. So he calls up his cousin far and said you know you have a ka in your class who's not telling anyone. So then the rumor started. Then everyone's point they figured are you a caller? Are you a ka? Now my wife is a great girl and she was not saying a word. So she even played along. Hey I think you're the ka. I think you're the ka. She's the last girl that anyone suspected would be a ka. And like things got really heated. People were denying I'm not a ka. I promise you. No, you are. You win. You blinked. You You nodded. I You know, you just bought a new dress. You're a kala. And it was like kala mania. The first ka in 12th grade. You know, this is Bjak like six, seven classes in one grade. The first kala out of all the out of all the classes. Anyways, eventually word began to leak out. So says, "Okay, you can geta engaged officially." So they did a little dance for me in Yeshiva. She's still in New York. So my father says, "Look, we don't want to fly you back. We're not gonna have a vart now, but we feel like we should make a little vart without you." So, so you'll be an er and what we'll do is we're going to bring in your future in-laws on Kaneka. actually will bring them into Cleveland and then Mo Shabas you will propose to her to your kala over loudspeaker and then we'll say masle and we'll have a fart it's nuts so I so now remember this is 19 this is 1987 so there were not speaker phones so when you want to have a speaker when when you want to hear something on the phone you actually bought an external speaker and you plugged into the jack and it was really really loud. So I so my parents said look Moz Chavez uh we're going to have a we're going to have a vert without you'll be in Erit Israel and um you're going to propose to her. So in in in in Cleveland it's like 8:00 at night but in Erit Israel it's 2:00 in the morning. I said but what if I sleep through I'm not going to be able to propose to her because I'll be asleep. So they said, "Look, we'll we'll call you." Now, there were no, believe it or not, there were no cordless homes in 1987. There there weren't. So I actually slept on the floor on the cold shyish of Eritus, you know, the the cold floor in my blanket next to the phone just to make sure that I'd be awake to propose to my wife over loudspeaker in Cleveland. So they call me 2:00 in the morning, pick up the phone, I'm in a total daze. I hear partying on the other end of the line and my parents say, "Okay, we're all here. Propose." Now, to be honest, I had all chabas to think of a great line. I had so much time and I didn't give it a moment's thought. And therefore, I said the worst possible proposal in the history of man. And my wife won't let me live it down. What' I say? So I said, "Chan, are you there?" She says, "Yeah." I says, "Okay, here's my proposal. Last chance to back out." And and this is over a loudspeaker. This is everyone's listening to this. And she gasps every guest she has. So she keeps her close. She says, "Oh, no, thank you." I said, "Okay, will you marry me?" "Yes, masleto. Maza, good night, boy." I go back to sleep on the floor and they have their V. I am hardly a shiddok professional. I went on one date then I just married the girl. So what business do I have to give you a talk? Uh the professional edition. So like I said the truth of the matter is um you know it could be going out again and again and again jades you. And um what I find is that we could fall into certain habits or certain expectations. And when we have those expectations, it has a way of sabotaging us. And the longer we go through the process, the more aware we must be of those expectations because they can sabotage us more and more. So let me say something right now that's not politically correct. Okay? I don't like the term basher. Now that doesn't mean that Hashem doesn't run that means coming from Hashem. Hashem says so and so is going to marry so and so. But I don't like what the term has become. You see, we would all agree that the concept of love at first sight that the movies promote is unrealistic and possibly harmful. It looks all nice in the movies, but in the end, if the movie was realistic, you know, people would eventually see who the other person is. And just because they looked really attractive across the room doesn't mean that they're the your soulmate. Doesn't mean that they're the person for you. And that's the notion that Basher has become. Basher has become oh he's not feeling like my Basher, which really is just a holy substitution for he's not feeling like I'm not having the moment. I'm not having my love at first sight. But instead of calling it love at first sight or instead of feeling that kind of a connection we call it basher. So the reason that I say this is I am involved in shokim. I am not the great chhatan. I have made a grand total of 14 which is not thousands. It's not hundreds. It's 14. It's hand-to-hand combat. You work your call. It's it's it's it's grueling some of this. Some some took very little effort. It was just on their own. But some were very difficult. So it it it it's not like I'm the expert with hundreds of under my belt. But I've seen enough and been involved in enough to really begin to understand that sometimes we look for that aha those violins that I was talking about before. Instead of simply using the Sikh that Hashem gave us, we use Hashem gave us this amazing SE. And if we would be confident in tapping into that SE, we would have more success at least making progress in figuring out who the person is for us. There was a comedian uh a uh a lady and she was speaking to an older crowd of women and u you know she was doing this comedic standup bit about engagements and getting married and it was non-Jewish crowd but she says in the middle of her comedy routine she says ladies you remember that guy that we went out with but we didn't want to marry because he was he was just too Nice. Remember that guy was just too nice. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. What's the WHAT'S THE PROBLEM WITH BEING TOO NICE? Nice is a good thing. Now here I am 35 and I passed on a guy. Why? Cuz he was too nice. What is that? That's a person just not using just not using. Just today I was involved in a shar and I'm speaking to a person who I think I'm speaking to a bal cabala she I don't know if my soul is feeling the soul of the other person and our souls are connecting in this like what is he honest is he a mench is he sensitive to your needs what do you know about souls I don't know anything about souls we know about souls right so that is the first concept I just want to tell you I love the idea of course Hashem everything is basher but like the stipler says the kazich there were others who said it a person can't pass up on their bash because they simply didn't use their now one may say no the reason that I didn't connect to my to this basher is because I found faults I found things that you know I wasn't comfortable with and I thought I could do better so there is a very important important rule to know and this is one of the tools I want to give you and this is a tool before marriage and it's a tool for after marriage you can use it in in both in both cases and it's a famous rule called the 10folds 10 faults goes simply like this each and every person in the world has approximately 10 major to semi- major faults everyone does there are no angels down here, right? We all have faults. Now, when you get to know somebody better, those faults begin to come to the four. And when you don't know them as well, you're going out and everyone puts their best face forward. So, you don't really you don't really see those folds. But believe me, they're there. And if you I didn't know he was such a slob. I didn't know he was so so unpunctual. He was so tardy. He was so irresponsible. He had such a dry sense of humor. He was so sarc. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. So, you know what? Expect it. And one has to know that when one looks at somebody and they have potential, there's somebody that perhaps you could see a future with, but they have faults. Just be aware that when you trade in those 10 faults, you're just trading them for 10 other faults. And the next person is going to have those 10 other faults. So my son, I he heard me before and he saw me write down the paper 10 faults. And he knows that I say this. So my son is back. He says, "Yeah, but maybe I'll be able to live better with the other 10 faults, but maybe you won't." And the chances are the chances are that in those 10 faults, there will be some that are worse and some that are better. Some that you really can't stomach and some that you can gloss over. But everyone's got those 10. I certainly have those 10. And my wife, although they're hard to see, she's got the 10. We all have 10 faults. We all have 10 faults. And therefore, if we look for perfection, we are doomed. That's how it works. read them. Now, having said that, I want to tell you when students come over to me and especially girls when I I was used to be a college rabbi and there was a lot of relationship talk going on. This is college and it's all mixed and everything is about relationship. So, I would have a girls who would come over to me and being the rabbi, I was also their bala and they would say, "Rabbi and I and I just knew by the way they said the word rabbi. I knew what was coming next and what's coming next is you know I'm going out with this guy and I really like him but and I cut him off right over there and I say just give me two things. Tell me about two things and then we can go further. You see there are two faults that you got to run for the hills when you hear these two faults. When you see these two faults and the two faults are anger and honesty. Anger and honesty. Anger and honesty. That's what you got to know. Anger and honesty. Other it doesn't mean that there aren't other faults. God has got to be responsible. It's got to be sensitive. Got to be empathetic. But anger and honesty are the two faults that if you get a whiff of them, you got to run for the hills. You know, picture to yourself. Picture to yourself, a new girl is coming to your class. Let's say you're still in school. New girl is coming and somebody knows that girl from camp and oh, she's amazing. She's she's fantastic and she's creative and she's this and you're all getting excited about this new girl who's going to be coming into the classroom in five minutes. She's going to be joining your class. And then this friend says, "Yeah, she was amazing. I met her in camp." The only thing is she's a little bit of a liar, right? That's it. Girl's toast, right? Sensitivity. When it comes to anger, my older and wiser sister said many years ago when she was a little girl, she said, "I will marry anyone. I will marry anyone as long as they don't get angry. I will marry anyone as long as they don't get angry." These are two devastating faults. And these are the kind of faults that break trust. They're the kind of faults that create kids at risk. They're the kind of faults that tear families apart. So even though I spoke about 10 folds, these two we're going to put them on the outside. And if you love someone very much, you like someone very much, but th those are among the two 10 those two are among the 10 faults. Proceed with ridiculous caution or don't proceed. Okay. Now, so I'm engaged in Erit Israel and I'm engaged for almost a year. I uh I got engaged when I was 19. My wife had just turned 17. We when we got married, I had turned 22 weeks before and we got married on my wife's 18th birthday. Uh so it's one present. So meanwhile, I'm there on earth and I'm thinking I I I that was pretty quick, you know, come to think of it, maybe I jumped and I began to get cold feet. And who's to speak to? Who knows her? Who could tell me, oh no, she's amazing. She's great. No one knew her. So here I am this little bucker in the soil who is now engaged in like the momentum the train has left the station and uh what am I going to do and I'm getting u getting a little panicky. So I speak to one of my dear friends an older wiser fellow and um he told me something that really changed my entire perspective and I'm giving you this as another tool beautiful tool. He said like this. He said, "I know what you're going through, Ben." He says, "You probably thinking you jumped. You got engaged to this girl, but you could have found five other girls that would have married you, right? Isn't that what you're thinking?" Yeah. I mean, honestly, yeah, I could have, you know, I only went out with one and she said, "Yeah, maybe if I would have gone out with it would have said, yeah, who knows?" So, he says, "You could have found five other girls." So, he says, "Let me ask you something. this girl you got engaged to, she a nice girl? Yeah, she's amazing. Pretty? Yeah. Mido's fantastic. Do you think she could have found five other guys? I said, "No doubt. No doubt. For sure. Five other guys would have taken her." So he says, "Okay, so watch the way this works. This is how the this is how the calculation works. This is this is this is how it works. You could have found five other girls. She could have found five other guys, but you chose her and she chose you. Ah, that's love and that's marriage. I didn't have to hear anything more. He didn't have to explain it. It just made sense. It just made sense. And throughout the years, I always think of that. Yes. Could I have found? Probably. I don't know. Maybe. Probably. Could she have found? Most definitely. But I chose her and she chose me. And that's the kind of mindset we have to be in when we're going out because there will always be someone else who will choose you. There'll always be you could get five other guys, but ultimately love, commitment, marriage, respect, loyalty, and building a home is all about you're saying, you know what, I choose you and you chose me. And the very fact that we choose each other is what's going to build our home together. So that's another tool, right? The five other choices. She could have chosen, he could have chosen. Now you guys know the five mems. Five mems. Good to know the five mems. And the five mems actually come from the para of kayasara. And the five mems are how we find our shak. And what they are is the order of what we're looking for. And if our orders are sort of the same, then we could find our shak that way. So here are the mens. Midos, moak, mishbaka, mar and mon. The five mems. That's all you got to know. Let's do that again. Midas character mishbah family do they come from moak brains mara looks and m can they make a living can they support you now some guys like to throw in Michael can she cook I don't know there are a few others you can but let's just keep it at the five these are the the five big ones okay who you are and what you're looking for simply depends how you shuffle the deck So, let's uh let's do a little experiment here. Shall we make this a little interactive? Okay. So, who's brave? You're brave. You're brave. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Let's get your five in the order that you're interested in. Let's brains, looks, money, family, and character. Let's put in order in the order of importance to you. Okay. Character. Character. Midos is one. What was the other four? Mo brains. Mishbaka. Family. Family is number two. Mara is looks and moak is intellect. Uh so so far we have character, family, family, support. Okay. Support, money, brain, looks, brains, and then looks is number five. Well, if it was 10, then I would put a little choices. So, well, we can keep it simple. We keep it simple. If the looks number five, okay, so that would show you're not a super professional person. Now that doesn't mean if you say Mara that you are a superficial person right some people say look I don't care how you judge me this is important to me and if I give up on it I'm not going to be happy that's you know that's acceptable um usually when I speak to girls and I give them the five mems rarely will I get looks as number one rarely when I speak to guys and they're in front of girls rarely will I get number one but never never below number three usually it's number three but when the girls leave the room they reshuffle the deck okay so anyone want to give give me their five go for it but I felt like learning to be part of that well learning Torah will will be part of part of part of um part of character yeah'll be part of character yeah character number one Okay. Um, we need intellect. Intellect. You need a guy who's I care like but the main thing I care about more than anything is the Okay. The Torah intellect. Looks like fourth. Parnos is after looks. Yeah. Okay. And then family is the end. Family is the end. Last thing. I care more about the person than the family. Okay. How many peas is there anyone over here who would put family in the top three? Yeah, cuz it can get it can get in the way if you marry a lot. It can get in the way. What do you say? I think family is extremely important to me. Like for my family, I'm very close with everyone and I expect that my spouse and that that's that connection with my family is like that's who made me me. So I think it's very important. So where would you put that in your five? I might put it second. You might put second. What would be first? Character. Character. Then family. And then what? Fourth would probably be looks. Fourth would be looks. Yeah. Um what's other? You got money and uh intellect. You got three and five left. I would put them both at five. Put what? Both at five. Both at five. Neither of them. I mean like it's not Okay, we're we're going to speak about these. But that's why I want to feel out where we come from. What were you going to say? Um, so I would say that um, people say like families just know dad, but I mean I guess you could always say there are those like really good boys have life that's like crazy or not families and they just like end up amazing. But um, I just think family is more important and even like later on it just comes more into play and don't forget like your kids, grandparents, you know, it's a big part of your life. So So where would you put it? then no one here is too worried about parnasa that's cool today's economy that's great it's like you know someone has people who married like the richest family then what happens like you rely on it marry forever good it was interesting I was at a family was pass they're talking about there's something going on with a girl and it seems that they found information that the parents of this girl had broken up the marriage of the two older siblings apparently it was accurate information from what I understand so my question to them was before but they like but he liked her okay so my thing was don't like say right away I mean my reaction was cut it off you have to find out the character of this girl because those two maybe had a certain attachment that they couldn't overcome right? The meddling and the bad intentions of these parents, maybe she's able to go beyond that and you should always definitely look at that first cuz sometimes you can really is that character have they grown because of this bad situation or have they you know absorbed it and that's a very very big or will it come out later on? Yeah. Okay. When you say money, you're talking about marrying for money or his ability to his ability to uh be finest separate things. Yeah. Yeah. How do you define family? Like like some people are like they want like a family hostically like them and some people are just as long as they have like the right value system and they're like fine. Everyone has their own interpretation of that. Excellent. Excellent. Let's go into family a little bit. Abrainu tells Eleazar do not take a daughter for my son from the Benos Cananan rather go to my family this would make it sound like family is very important don't take from cananan take from my family however what kind of family was that well let's see basouel tried to kill the messenger and poison him at their first encounter. Um, Lavan kissed Elazar in the mouth to probe his mouth for gold and jewelry. Um, this was a little bit of a messed up family that Rifka grew up in. So, how do we understand is family yes important or is it not important? So using this question we are going to say something that's really really key which is while family is critical and you want the family to be something that's healthy so that you could ensure that this person didn't necessarily have to struggle to become who they became but maybe it's in their blood. It's how they grew up. It's what they can transmit almost naturally. But it takes a village to raise a child. It takes a village to raise a child. And thus even though Kenan the entire village was warped and therefore he says don't look at Cananan but if you come from the Abrahamic family if you come from the family of Ara even if the the direct personal characters in the family were not what you may hope for them to be. Even so, if the overall family is healthy, the village that raised the child is healthy and thus you can be assured that this child has healthiness to them and then this this spouse potential spouse uh has healthiness to them. I think this is a very important message to uh to put out there and I'll tell you why. We are who we are. We become who we become. But who our parents are is not our fault. Whether they are divorced, whether there was abuse, whether there was neglect, whether there was just a coldness so that you didn't feel you didn't feel appreciated or connected and someone ended up in therapy. Whatever it may be, it's not your fault. It's not your fault who your parents are. And people who enter into shookim feeling at a distinct disadvantage because of who their parents are and oh no when they find out who my parents are they're going to run for the hills. So I am here to say not so not so if you went to a good school if you had good classmates if you had good teachers good rebbitson all of these people helped bring you up and made you who you are. And if we only look directly at the parents, then we have possible. We are in a we're in a difficult generation. And there is a lot out there that is less than savory. But we should not become muish. We should not lose hope if we happen to have been in a family where one or two kids went off the d or if we're in a family where where the parents are divorced or there's a second marriage or whatever it is because it takes a village and you are who you made yourself and you are who raised you and you weren't only raised by your parents. As a matter of fact, the way our yeshiva system works today, many people by the time they get to high school, especially boys, are sent away and they're literally raised by the yeshiva. My sons have all gone to out of town yeshivas. And the yeshiva is raising them. And I feel comfortable. I feel confident. Of course, they come every every few weeks. They come back for Shabas and we have the nakas from it, but they're being raised by the village. So that is what I want to say about mishbaka. Now to to speak about your point exactly what makes a mishbaka good that I leave up to you. There's no question that if you have to if you have to choose between from kashkafa or meshite and midos that you run after the midos as long as the your spouse has ashkafa that you have. But if your spouse if your spouse has your ashkaf but the family is let's say more modern or this or that but they have good midos and this particular person you know I work in I work in Kiru so there are a lot of baluva and some of them are extraordinary they're extraordinary people and you know it's funny because I the the the day and age where a girl who's 25 26 will not go out with a bal chuva is is it's going it's going uh it's becoming extinct. They all want to go out with a bal chuva and they should you know why they should cuz make a a simple calculation. If a guy if you're 25 26 and you're going out with a guy and the guy's let's say 30 31 if he's what they call an FFB what's he doing at 31? What's he been doing the past eight years? And you know that there's something under there. Now it doesn't mean that I'm not pulling everyone. Sometimes people stayed and learned 10 years. But I want to say more often than not, but quite often there are issues. Masha in Kain a Balchuva who is a just a normal good healthy person who met a rabbi in a college and who ended up in Makon Schlommo and he learned for a few years and now he's 28 29. He's a mench. He's put together. He's you know I once heard this statistic. I don't know if it's true but one out of every two from Jews today are either Bal Balichuva children of Bali Chuva or grandchildren of Bali Chuva one out of every two myself included which would make my children okay so you know the the day where we sort of shunned Abal Shuva is long gone now it's true people say well I don't want a person right off the boat. I get that. But if a person's been in the system and they're growing, perhaps they're not even jaded. Perhaps the life is still there and you're going to get someone who's full of Okay, I want to mention something else um which is really really important and it's just going back to the concept of Basher. When we look for our Basher and we predict, oh, I'm going to see my Basher. I'm going to find my Basher. I'll hear the the music and I'll hear the violins. When we think of it like that, what often happens is we have the self-fulfilling prophecies that doom us. Whoever I marry, he's got to be this, he's got to be that, he's going to have this, that, I don't know, person like that I wouldn't want to marry. And we predict, we project, and it's all laid out there. And that guy is my basher, and no one else is my basher. And when we lay that out on the table, what we've done is we've we've created a self-fulfilling prophecy. Anyone who doesn't fit this must not be my basher. You know, Mama Leia had a heard a prediction. Her basher is going to be Asf. So what did she do? She cried. And what happened? Because she cried so much her eyes became red. So when Yakov saw her, she was not very attractive. So what happened? It became a self-fulfilling prophecy by hearing her about sher as she cried and by crying now Yakob wasn't interested in her. Now again this making very mundane these are the offenses on but on a simple level the Torah says and it says and it seems like it is juxtaposing her in raos the red eyes to her beauty. It sounds like her she didn't have beauty because of the red eyes and the measure says how do her eyes get so bloodshot and red because she heard the self-fulfilling prophecy. So we have to be very careful about projecting. The truth of the matter is there are many many guys out there for you and each one is different than the other one and you can live your life with each one of them and you're going to change a little bit based on who you chose. There is not one person for you. This is this even the bali kabala say there are many many people who are bashar for you I don't want to get into this whole bashar thing because then I fall into the same trap but there are many people who can be compatible with you some of them or your optimal sh is someone who you're going to grow with and life is going to be easy in the way that you are someone's going to be a conto and it's going to be tough but there are many people and when we just define ourselves You know, one of the worst things, and I'm going to say this is also politically incorrect, one of the worst things to happen to u the Jewish people, one of the best things and one of the worst things are these websites. Now, it's one of the best things because many many people find through the websites. I just met someone today who is about to get engaged as Hashem and he met the girl through Superva. Wonderful. It's a it's it's a it's a new website. Beautiful. Wonderful. But I'll tell you what I don't like about them. I don't know if any of you have ever joined them, but they have a very detailed list of what you're looking for. Okay? You're looking Yeshivish. Yeshivish modern. Yeshiva ultra this. Yes. Movies, no radio. Yes, radio, no movies. Yes, internet. None of them. Yes, texting. No texting. On and on and on and on and on and on. Page. Page. Page. Okay. Now we know exactly what you're looking for. Now we know exactly how to find your Bashar. No, you don't. Now you just ruled out all the Jewish people except for two and you've gone out with them already. You know, that's what that's what happens. We take the pie. Think about how thin the pie is sliced before we ever even started. You got the whole world of six, seven billion people. Everyone's not Jewish. Goodbye. Now you got 14, 15 million Jews. Okay, but you want to marry someone who shablish Torah mitzvah. Okay, so now you're left to two million out of 7 billion. Okay, half of those are Oh, one second. Then you got the yeshivaite. Okay, yeshivaite. Let's say yeshiva, but some of Ben Torah. Okay, you're talking maybe five 600,000 of those exist in the world. But one second, half of them are male, half of them are female. So now you got down to 300,000. But one second, you don't even have anything close to that because that number includes every living person who fits in that category from the age of zero to the age of 80. But you're not looking, you're looking at a very a very uh small segment. You're looking for the age of 22 to 27 out of 0 to 80. You're looking for those three years or those five years or those seven years. That's what you're looking for. And therefore, the pie is already sliced exceedingly thin before you took that questionnaire. Now you take the questionnaire and then we have to categorize ourselves. It's not from or yeshivish or no it's from yeshivish modern flatbush sort of out of town. I want out of town but not too out of town. So let's see. I want it could be like Chicago because that's out of town but I want Denver. Denver is like too No, Denver is sort of like Milwaukee. I would do I would do Milwaukee and Denver but I wouldn't do Madison. Well Madison's an hour away from Milwaukee so it's what? hours. Oh, it's two hours. Okay, it's two hours. Okay, forget it. Two hours is is way too far. Milwaukee I'll take, but I'm not going to take Denver. Okay, Los Angeles, I don't know. Is Los Angeles in town out of they have so many in Los Angeles that technically it could be like in town number two. And New Jersey, is that in town? Because New Jersey is like New York. And we we we make ourselves crazy. We make ourselves crazy because of that. You know, I have I have my website shabbat.com. You should all go and I started on that site. We just started already. We have an engagement and it's it's free to go on and you can check people out yourself and it's it's and you know how long my questionnaire is if you want to make question. It is minuscule. It's tiny whiny. It's the you you can fill the whole thing out in 25 seconds. I don't even ask you uh uh how tall you are. I mean I say are you are I are you tall little bit tall not too tall sort of short I don't think you're 5 foot nine I wanted someone who's 5 foot 5' 11 right oh boy we already have this you're a now you need a guy who is 27 who's 5 foot 9 to 5' 11 who is yeshivish but will have internet who has a rebi who's but is learning for three years maybe I'll give a fourth year Maybe not. It depends if if if I'm working, but if I have a few kids and I can't give that fourth year, so we got to it's it's crazy. You know, it's it's gotten to the point in that I cannot propose a shak to a regular girl without her having saying either I either she went out with him already or she was proposed on soy s but he said no or or he's not for me. Like how is it that everyone's heard of everyone? And seven billion people in the world, we've all heard of everyone. It only goes to prove that our our our pious lie so thin, it's unbearable. Now, let me tell you the reality of the world. The reality is that people often marry people who are not cookie cutter exactly who you are and they grow together. I want to take, you know, everyone knows their family. I'll give you my family. My grandfather was a Yaki. Yucky, German, Frankfurt, the whole nine yards. His grandfather was the right-hand man of Shamsh Fales. My grandfather, the Yaki with the Van Dyke and opera and you name it. Yucky, wine, everything. Married the granddaughter of the Belerba. Tell me how on a shik website that would have played itself out. it. No gone. Okay, that was quick. I guess I don't exist, right? Because that that never would have gone. And yet Hashem runs the world. So you had a ye the the the the son of Yakis all the way down Mary's the daughter of the bell great granddaughter of the Bellazerva and together you get a hodgepodge and you get a guy who's speaking at Arnava. Okay, let's let's keep going. my parents, my daughter, I'm sorry, my mother is the daughter of my grandfather, the Yaki, who became a RV. So, she's the daughter of a RV and her mother's granddaughter of the Belerba. So my mother comes from Mikus and she uh is proposed to a young doctor in medical school who um became Sharma Shabas on his own and is very involved in the local hill daughter great granddaughter of the bell zerba and of yaka blood. Hey, this sounds like a great shak. He became from a little while ago and it's going to be a doctor. Never on any shak website. So he had no shot would have ever proposed it again. I don't exist. I I couldn't. If if these websites work then I don't exist. My kids don't exist. He doesn't exist back there. None of us exist. My sister, who is the daughter of this great great grandson of the Bel granddaughter of the Bazerba, meets a guard at the at the school, an old Persian man. And he says, "Diva, you're a good girl. You have to go out with my son, with my with my nephew. You go out with my nephew." And my my sister's saying, "No, I'm not I don't want to go with the Persian. I go, you know, you know what kind of a ne I'm not going. And every single day he would say, you go out with my nephew. So finally, she just can't get this guy off of her back. She says, "Okay, I'll go out with him." She goes out with him. She comes back laughing like they like they they don't I mean they don't look alike. They don't talk alike. He comes from Shiraz and she comes from Cleveland, Ohio. And it's not even a shik. So that you know she's essentially said u no like after the very first date well she comes to to the school the next day go out a second time she goes out the second time he's a nice guy now he's Persian but he's a nice guy and on and on and eventually you know a bunch of kids later he became a RV in Atlanta he is now works for the OU and they she lives in Atlanta and Again, on these shik websites, this shik doesn't exist. It's impossible. They're not looking for the same thing. They don't come with the same background and and that's it. It's one of the obas that we make. We slice the pie so thin and we think, "No, I'm going to get you the exact person you're looking for." And what happens if he says, "No, now you're left with nobody." So we have to open it up a little, broaden it, add Hashem into the process, rely that Hashem knows what he's doing and that perhaps you can find someone who may you may not have thought is is uh your Basher on paper and give that person a chance. And too often I'll propose the shik to a guy or girl and with the proverbial wave of the backhand that's not I'm not looking for that. And boom, the shak is gone. The guy was a mench. He's a person. He's gonna make you a good pas. He'll raise your kids to learn with them. Yes, but he's not in learning now. He's a doctor or he he's he he's a balu or even he's a g whatever whatever it is. We don't give each other a chance. Maybe part of it is a maybe it's just we've been indoctrinated by saying this is what you must look for and we leave Hashem out of the process. And we have to be a little more open because the reality is like that. Hashem will make sure that we find our you know found the daughter of Bouel, the sister of of love and harami. What a shik. That wouldn't have worked on paper either. And none of us would have existed, right? All of our all of our mothers. Okay, there's a lot more to say. Obviously, I got a lot to say on this. Um I I'll choose a few more things. I was going to end with a nice story. There's a few more things. Number one, I like the fact that some of you put money near the end. And I'll tell you why. This really applies to to perhaps uh women who are a little bit older and they've been in the shock process for a while. But sometimes I will speak to a girl and she's 22 23 and she says, "I only want a guy who's, you know, is he set? Is he making his living? Is he doing is he sent?" And I'm thinking, what? And if he's not set, you're not going to go out with him. How old is he? 25, 26. How How many 26 year olds are set for goodness sakes? You know, we go through six different jobs until we find the job. And we could be 32, 33. Yeah. So, we'll struggle a little. You'll find you wanted to be this, maybe you want to be that. If the person has character, and the person is diligent and they're willing to work, cut the guy some slack and cut yourselves some slack. And today more and more I hear girls who insist he's got to be a made man by the time I go out with him. He's got to be all set. I want the white picket fence. Says who? Zoo. Right. It takes time to get set. And if you want to you want a guy who's successful, so go out with a 40-year-old. Perhaps by then he'll be successful. But if but if not, you want to go out with a 25year-old. Some 25y olds can't tie their shoes yet. you know whether you want him to be uh he's a success in business and he's ready for working for a Fortune 500 company that's not it's not that's not the Torah the way we look for a person who has the fortitude and the character to be successful given enough time given the right circumstance and given of course that we all have to den for looks are important I'll say that um by an ish he's not allowed to marry an isha he's not attracted to is and he will be over the of the so you have to feel reasonably attracted to them critical to know that the person that you are going out with is the person that you're marrying too often I have set up and instead of rejecting the person they'll do the opposite they'll say look they're a good person they're a good raw material that I can mold in my image and eventually they'll you know, I'm not I'm not thrilled about this or okay, he drinks too much alcohol, but you know, he'll get married to me and you know, he he said he'll stop, you know, and and this is it's not going to happen. A person has to go out with somebody having in mind that they will never change. In other words, the person you're going out with, you are going to marry them. If they change, if they don't change, well, that's a little bit pathetic because we're supposed to change. We get married, we grow. But if you get married or if if you go out and you're ready to say, "Yay, yes." Having in mind that this person you're going to mold, you're going to change, you're making an awful mistake. Because first of all, men don't like to be changed, right? You got to do it very wisely, very subtly. Speaking on behalf of all mankind over here. We like like our wives do it gently. My wife's great at it. Um and and if and if we don't change, you have to know that there's the person you're marrying. Um there's a lot to say about it with the midb. Um I I'm going to I'm going to end with a story and perhaps another time we'll speak a little bit more about and I I've told this story before, but I don't think I ever told it to this group over here. We spoke about anger being a deal breakaker. A person has to know that whoever they decide to get mar that they're going to marry in the beginning they're going to feel an intense feeling of satisfaction perhaps infatuation. They'll be head over heels speaking to them for a long time but then eventually everything becomes mundane. Everything all relationships plateau and they take work and when we stop working on them then we could become a little bit testy. We become a little bit intolerant and the love that we had that would allowed us to be forgiving when we were going out disappears. So I want to tell you a story. Many years ago I lived in Burough Park and we got married. We lived in Shaline. moved to moved near my share for a while and my share actually gave me his car to drive and the car was a brown station wagon. Sort of a beat up old station wagon. And I tell uh my wife one day, you know, I'm sick of driving the station wagon. It's terrible on gas and it looks as ugly as sin and therefore I would like to get a new car. Not really new, but at least a nice car. So, I had seen an ad for an auction in Queens, New York. And this is called a police or bank reclamation auction where they'll they'll take back uh cars from people who can't pay the payments or from drug dealers and they are willing to they're they're willing to sell it for pennies on the dollar. So, I turn to my wife and I say, "Pennies on the dollar? Let's do this. Get a Lexus for 100 bucks. This is going to this is this this is going to be great for us. Not that realistic, but so my wife says great. Now it said in the ad that you have to bring a quarter of the money when you come to the auction for payment and that will lock in the car for you and within 7 days you got to come up with the rest of the money. So my wife says do we have any money put aside? Now at that time I was learning in col and I had a total of uh I was getting a thousand bucks a month in col that was my entire parnosa but I had squirreled away a little money each month and I had put aside $1,000 total. So I told my wife look we have $1,000. Let's go to the auction and we can buy a car up to $4,000. So she says how are we going to do that? We only have a th000. I said look we have a we need to put down now to lock in the car. and Hashem will help us find the 3,000 in the next seven days. You have to have let's go. She says, "Okay, I'm I'm I'm game." So, we went to the Queen's auction and there was the viewing before the auction. You could view all the different cars and every car that was there I wanted. Like I did zero research and I like every car that was there I was able to see myself and like wow a Miata perfect. Oh, what about the car seat? No, baby car. We could move it like sideways. We could buckle it. It'll be okay. Right. Oh, custom van. It'll be great for trips to Cleveland. And like every car we saw, we were able to visualize ourselves in sort of like like a singles event. I I can see myself with that guy. You know, maybe that guy, you know. Anyways, so in the middle of the in the middle of the viewing, my wife says to me, "Let me ask you something. The $1,000 that you brought, where did you where did you put it?" So I said, "Oh, it's in my pocket." She says, "Oh, no. Don't don't leave it in your pocket. There's a lot of people here and you can get pickpocketed." So I said, "Look, I'm not going to get pickpocketed. Don't worry." She says, "No, you pump. I'm going to bump into you and take your money." I said, "Look, I thought of the danger of getting pickpocketed, but I already defeated it cuz you know what I did? I took the thousand bucks. I made it into a really tight wad. I put it in the bottom of a very deep pocket. And on top of that, on top of the money, I took about 20 paper towels. I crunched them up and I put them in my pocket. So, if anyone sticks their hand in my pocket, they're going to get paper towels, paper towels, paper towels, paper towels. By the time they reach the bottom and they get the money, I'll feel that they're stealing from me, and I'll do what any good rabbi would do. I'll turn around and punch him in the face. So, so she says, "No, I'm really not comfortable. Do me a favor. Put it the money in your shoe." I said, "No, no, I'm not going to walk around with a thousand bucks in my shoe." I said, "Then I'm not going to be comfortable. you know, it's like hot and sweaty and slippery. She says, "No, put it in your shoe." I said, "No, I I it's fine here. Put it in your shoe." No, it's So, she didn't have her pocketbook with her. She didn't have any pockets. So, I was stubborn. I had my way and the money stayed in my pocket with all the paper towels on top. The auction begins and I'm standing there and I'm all excited. Oh, car. And I'm all the way in the front row. The auction had not been going on for five minutes. When I get a tap on the shoulder, I turn around. There's a guy behind me and he says, "Excuse me, sir. I think somebody just went into your pocket and my stomach dropped. I put my hand in my pocket. Paper towels. Paper towels. Paper towels. Paper towels. Paper towels. That's it. Five minutes. $1,000. It took me a month to make that in coell. Gone." Just like that. I turned to my wife. What do you say now after begging me to put it in my shoe? So I said, 'Look, um, we got to go home. She says, why? I said, we got pickpocketed. And I'm waiting for her to go nuts, to scream, to yell. She doesn't say anything. That's even worse. So, we're we head back towards our past and now future brown beat up station wagon. We get into the car and she's quiet and I'm thinking, "Oh no, she is going to lay into me. I'm going to get it. Let you know, let's get over with." She inhales, you know, the big inhale before it all comes out. She goes, "Don't feel bad. It's from Hashem." Like, huh? Don't feel bad. You know, everyone can make a mistake. It's okay. Don't feel bad. Hashem wants to honor them. And the whole way from Queens back to Bar Park, she's trying to make me feel better. Instead of me trying to make her feel better, she's making me feel better even though she told me to put it on my shoe. And I'm thinking, who is this woman? Like, I I I married an angel. That's it. I married an I I can't believe she's trying to make me feel better. I would be so upset. I'd be yelling and screaming and she's like, "Oh, come." We get home, sitting on my bed, feeling all violated. You know, someone gets goes into your personal space. It's a really violated feeling. I look at my wife. I look into her face and I said, "Dear Shai, what you did tonight, what you did today, I will never forget. I will always stand by you. I will be your protector. I will be your guardian the rest of your life. You should know you can count on me. You had every right in the world to yell at me and scream at me. You This was your moment. And instead of taking advantage and venting and letting it out, instead the softness of your heart allowed me to slide and allowed me to get forgiveness from you. And you didn't even try to make me feel bad or guilty. I will always be there for you. And I learned something so profound and deep about relationships. That those faults that we see in each other, you can let it slide cuz that's part of love. I want to tell you the story is an interesting ending because for years I really wanted to pay my wife back for that act of kindness. And then the opportunity came. My youngest sister, out of five sisters, the youngest one was getting murdered in Cleveland. I turn to my wife and I say, "You know, I'd love to get a new suit for the wedding." And I even I even know what kind of suit I want. It's a certain kind of the thick pinstriped suit. I had a vision of a suit. So, she says, "You know what? You haven't got a new suit in a while. Go for it." So, I go on a quest to find the suit of my dreams. And I go from one store to the next. Nobody had it. Nobody had. Finally, I after a few days, I end up in a store. I'm looking through all the the racks and there at the bottom was the suit. Now the violins could play. WOW, THE suit my size, gorgeous, better than I had dreamed of. So beautiful. Until I looked at the price tag and I'm like, "Oh no, this is this cost a bundle. I can't afford this." But then I said to myself, "Cladco, you deserve this suit. I'm going to buy the suit." So I bought the suit. And then after buying the suit, got to buy the shirt. Then the tie, got to match the suit, then the shoes, the whole ensemble, you know, you can't just buy a suit, right? So now I spent a lot of money. Now I got to take the suit, bring it to the shness tester. So I run to the shness tester. That's another thing. Then I got to go to the tailor. And my suit needs a lot of tailoring because, you know, I'm short and fat. So it's got to take it up and let it out. Okay, now we're now we're good to go. It takes me a week and I got the suit of my dreams and I'm ready for my sister's wedding. It was the day before the wedding and my wife calls me up and says, "Look, we're driving to Cleveland tonight." Cuz we were driving overnight. The next day would be the wedding. She says, "We're driving to Cleveland tonight. When you come back from Colo, do me a favor. I don't want you to come home and then take off your shoes and relax and lie down because then by the time we leave, it's going to be 10:00 10:30 at night. The kids are going to be cranky. It's going to be hard for me to get him to sleep. Do me a favor right when you get back from Colo. I want to leave to Cleveland. Let's get in the car. Let's get on the road. I said, but one thing I What am I going to eat supper? I'll put it in one of those little Tupperware things you anyways always eat on while you drive. I'll have it ready for you. It'll be great. I said, I didn't pack up. I packed everything. I packed your stuff. I packed the kids. I packed mine up. We are ready to go. The moment you come home, we're ready to go. I said, "Wow, this is this is great." I said, "Okay, no problem." I come home from Cola. Within a half an hour, we're on the road driving to Cleveland. We drive all night. You know, 10 bathroom stops. The kids got to go. Hey, didn't we just Didn't you just go? Got to go again. You know, stop drinking. No more drinks, you know. But I'm thirsty. Okay, we make it finally to Cleveland after all the bathroom stops and I'm exhausted. I d and then lie down with the kids. We lie down until 12:00 12:30 noon. We get a phone call. It was an early afternoon wedding. We got a phone call. My father's on the phone. He says, "Listen, all the families, all the kids and grandkids need to be in the hall in an hour all dressed because we're taking family pictures." And the wedding got to take family pictures before all the guests arrive. Great. I get up, run to the shower, shower, come out and I say to my wife, "Okay, great. Let me have the my suit and my stuff." So she says, "Great." And she looks, we had unpacked, she's looking through all the luggage. She's looking, she's looking, looking a little more now. She's looking too much. Then she runs up to the van. We had a van by the end. She look runs up to the van. She's looking. She's looking. She's looking. Comes down, looks a little more. And then she says, "I don't know how to say this, but I left your student in New York." And I'm thinking, "No, I spent a week for that suit. I spent a fortune. It's my sister's wedding in an hour. My last sister, the last wedding, my suit." And then I'm thinking, "Oh, the auction moment has arrived." Right away, I I got it. So, I said to her, "Listen, don't feel bad. It's totally fine. Don't worry. I actually drove here in a suit. I'll wear that suit." I came like this wrinkly blue suit. I said, "I'll I'll wear that suit. It's totally fine. Don't feel bad." And I went out to shave, sort of feeling good about myself that I was able to overcome and not get upset, not even show her anything. Come back and I'm about to walk back into the bedroom where we were staying and the door's halfway open and I see my wife is sitting on the bed and she had gathered all the children around her and she's speaking to them. I didn't walk in the room. I waited by the door and I listened and I watched and my wife was telling the children she said you know I kind over here I need to tell you something about Tati she says you know this is Tat's sister's wedding and he bought a suit and it was so important to him and he spent a lot of money and he spent a lot of time and he and he asked me if I brought it and I said yes and he trusted me and and he was relying on that. That's his suit that he's supposed to wear. But I made a mistake and I didn't bring the suit. She said to the children, "Do you know what most tatis would do? They'd be so angry. They would yell, "How could you? You said you brought it. But not your tati. Your tati is too good of a person. He didn't get angry. He didn't yell. He didn't make me feel bad." She says, "Children, gather around me. I want to give you each Abraa that you should grow up to be just like your father." And they all stood in a row and she put her hands on each of their heads and gave them the shabasim. And I'm standing there by the door and I'm little tears coming down my eyes and I'm thinking, "Wow, relationship violent time again. I don't need this suit. I have a relationship." Right? Our faults, you know, we love each other not despite our faults, but because of our faults. because we're human, because we make mistakes, but because we want to grow together. I learned so much about relationships. So, Hashem should help us each find those relationships in our lives. Be open to suggestions. Be open to ideas. I'm telling you, Basher is out there and just waiting for you to be open and let your Basher in. Thank you. Yes.