High Holidays & the 12 Steps | Class 2—Yom Kippur

Let's talk about Yim Kipper. So, if you didn't see our our first uh part in the in this uh three-part series, please go check it out. Um the link should be in the description. So, we had uh our first first of three parts was about Roshashana and we spoke about I'm just going to do a little bit of a review because it actually is applicable to what we're doing today. Um we spoke about that Roshhashana is the day of crowning Hashem. It's the coronation. It's submission acceptance of divine authority. Um today is part two Yim Kipper. We'll speak about about what that's about. Obviously it's the day of atonement. So you know atonement has to figure prominently in there. And then part three is going to be about sukus sus. Okay. So let's talk about yim kibbert. Um it's an interesting thing. Atonement. Atonement is one of those words that the English language gets really right because the etmology of atonement is actually at onement. At onement. What does it mean? It means that when we are at one with our source with a capital S, then all the extraneous stuff just sort of falls away. In other words, the way that the forgiveness works is that we find a place within ourselves where any of the negative behaviors that we may have engaged in. And we're not in denial of the fact we we engaged in it. In fact, we're going to confess that we did it. But we find a place within ourselves where it's so pure and holy and pristine and just uncorruptible. Not just it hasn't been corrupted, it is not capable of being corrupted. If the essence basically that part of us that's one with God and then all of the negative stuff falls away. That's how atonement actually works there. That's that's the mechanics of atonement or like I said at onement that's actually how it works. So um let's talk about that from a recovery perspective. I'm not sure if this lecture is for people who have a recovery background or they're trying to gain one by by watching this. But let's say you already have a little bit of a recovery background. Let's say you've done the steps. I'm hoping I'm assuming you've uh done the steps. So, you're probably familiar with the concept of character uh flaws or defects of character. Um you know, we speak about that um in a few different places. Um we speak about it in in the context of step five. We talk about being ready to admit the exact nature of our wrongs. We call them wrongs. Uh in in step six, we we say we were entirely ready to have God remove all those defects of character. So in step six, we call them defects of character. In seven, we say humbly asked him God to remove our shortcomings. So then we call them shortcomings. Um you know, so we have these terms. we our wrongs committed um defects of character, shortcomings um yeah and then you know later on in uh in 8 and nine it doesn't actually use a word for it but implies that we did stuff that needs to be corrected cuz talks about people that we harmed in step eight and making amends to those people in step nine. So again, it there there's a lot of um well, the term for it is house cleaning. You ever heard that? By the way, Dr. Bob was one of the co-founders of AA. So they asked him if he could summarize the steps. He said the steps in six words is trust God, clean house, help others, which by that I would assume what he meant was the first three steps is trust God. And then um 4 through 11 basically is clean house. Those are the house cleaning steps. And then 12 would be help others practice his principles in all of our affairs. So um those who have been through the steps are familiar with this concept of house cleaning and addressing our and I'll use the synonyms that I rattled off earlier wrongs um shortcomings um defects of character. So you're familiar with that process. Okay. What I think is fascinating, absolutely fascinating is where in the step work this comes in. What I mean to say is that it is not the first thing that we do, which is a little bit surprising if you think about it. if I have some damage to fix, you know, shouldn't that be the first thing that I work on? Um, if I've been doing things the wrong way, isn't the first thing to like stop doing it the wrong way and maybe start doing doing it the right way? Um, maybe I need to get honest with myself about what I've been doing wrong and and admit that it's wrong. Okay. So, there's a there's a logical argument to be made that that should have really been the beginning of this this process is, you know, let's start with an inventory. Basically, start with step four and let's let's start cleaning house, right? Okay. But that's not how it works. That's not how it works at all. What's fascinating is that it's trust God, clean house, help others. That before we do the house cleaning, we have the God steps, meaning admission of powerlessness, uh belief in a higher power that's not ourselves, and then a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of of that God. And if you're following what we've been saying about Rashashana, this should make perfect sense because if you remember last week class one, we spoke about Roshashana. Roshana is all about that surrender, submission. And that's also counterintuitive because if someone were to tell you there's something called um the 10 days of penitence, what that's how it's literally translated. And so I would assume, okay, a lot of penitence. You're going to repent. You're going to list your sins. You're going to admit your sins. You're going to fix your sins where it can be fixed. And I say to you, no, no, no, no, no, no. But the first thing we're going to do is we're going to crown God. Well, what does crowning God have to do with admitting my sins? Let me let me start to let me get into my sins and let me admit them. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. First, we're going to crown God. It's very interesting that first is I'm I'm saying in in the the order of the Jewish holidays. First is Roshashana, which is submission. We submit to God's will. And if you don't understand what that is, go back and watch class one. Afterwards, we start to do the house cleaning or stock taking or however you want to call it, inventory, whatever, and start to clean up the damage. My father, may he rest in peace, he was a um a psychologist for many, many years. And one of the things he did is he counseledled couples sometimes. And he told me that when he would have a a new couple come to him for marriage counseling, he said the first thing that every couple who comes to marriage counseling wants to do is they want to be heard in listing their grievances. And so they'll come into the first session and he'll say, "This is what she's doing wrong." and she'll say this is what he's doing wrong. And that's just the nature of things. And my father told me that he told people, well, could we not do that? Actually, could we not list the offenses that each one of us has done to the other? And you know, usually people will get upset about that and say, "No, no, but that's what we're here to talk about, right? We we basically they come to a marriage counselor for a referee. You know, it's a it's a boxing match and we just want to make sure that, you know, someone's going to get knocked out here, someone's going to win, but we want to just make sure it's a fair fight. So, you're the referee. People don't say that, but that's what they're implying because when he says, "Can we not list our grievances?" The push back is like, "But what do you think we're here for? Of course, we're here to list our grievances. what what's the point of marriage counseling if it's not to be able to complain about each other? So, he would he told me that he would tell them, listen, the first thing that we need to do is decide if we're saving this marriage. That's the first thing. And then when we're if we decide we are saving this marriage, then we could talk about how it needs to be saved, which will probably entail speaking about some of the problems that need to be fixed. So, so then yeah, we will get into what perceived grievances there may be on either side, but first let's decide if we're saving this marriage. And then of course the push back to that would be no, no, no, no. Let's list the grievances and get it all out on the table and then evaluate how bad it is, how salvageable it is, and then we'll decide if we're going to save the marriage. And my father would push back to the push back and say, "But that's not how it works. First, we decide if we're going to save it. Then, we'll figure out what's broken and what needs to be fixed. You understand? And and and people don't want to do that. They they they want to first list all their problems and then they want to decide whether or not they're staying in the marriage. So, my father would say like this. He would say, "Listen, if we're not saving the marriage, okay, meaning we're making a decision now. We're going to try to pursue amicable separation. We're we're we're not saving it, but let's try to do it as peacefully as possible. Let's try to extract your lives from each other in the most un um I don't know, uh in the most unobtrusive way, you know, then then if that's the goal, if we're deciding we're we're we're ending it, fine. So then it's probably not a good idea to now list your grievances about each other. First of all, for what purpose? Toward what ends? You know, you're not staying with each other anyway. So why what you get get your last licks in to complain about each other? Okay. Uh but also you're just going to rile each other up and make each other feel bad and more resentment. And we're trying to like amicably separate here. So if we're not saving it, then no, there's no point listing grievances. Now if we are saving it, if we are saving it then even more so why would we start off by getting each of you to say about the other person the worst most hurtful things that's not conducive towards saving it. So either way, if we're not saving it, then there's no reason to talk about the the litany of uh offenses. If we are saving it, then we have to be super careful not to just jump straight into listing perceived grievances, complaints, uh because because then we're just going to poison the whole process. So either way, no, no, no. We're not going to talk about your complaints. We're first going to decide are we saving it or not saving it? And and the push back to the push back to the push back to the push back is but how can we know if we're saving it until we know how bad the complaints are? And my father's push back to the push back to the push back to the push back to the push back was um it can always be saved if that's what you want. If you want to save it, you can. But you have to want if you make that decision that you're saving it, then then we'll figure out we'll we'll figure out how to do it. Can be done. But if you're not even sure you're in this, so then why are we insulting each other when you know you you're you're probably separating like that? There's no purpose to that. Do you follow what I'm saying to you? Roshashana there's a question being asked and if this isn't clear to you go watch class one if you haven't watched it or if it's clear to you even though you watched class one maybe rewatch it roshash there's one question being asked are you in or are you out are we saving this marriage is this relationship going to continue this year now Hashem is very transparent that he's not being tentative about it he's not saying well if you want me I want you saying I want you. I'm waiting for you now. Balls in your court, honey. And our only response is yes or no. It's a yes or no question. It's not, well, let's figure out how bad how much hurt did I do to you and how much hurt did you do to me and how salvageable is it? And can we really ever get over it? It's not the question. Are you in or are you out? It's a binary decision. Yes or no. Once the commitment has been made and that indeed is what Roshashana is. Yes, we're in. We're doing it. We're doing it. And like I mentioned last week in the Roshashana class that once we agree to the relationship, Hashem then is motivated to enliven the entire universe for another year. Once we say, "Yes, let's do it." And Hashem responds to us and says, "Okay, I'm I'm I'm with you. Now we can look at the nitty-gritty. Now we can look at the details. Now we can look at what's gone wrong, what needs to be fixed, but not before that." And I think anyone who's been through the steps and done the step work, if you think about it, it is counterintuitive, but if you think about it after having done it, it's actually so logical after the fact. So logical until you've made a decision, steps one, two, three. I can't manage my own life based on human will. It's not enough. I suppose there's a power greater than me that could manage my life. Now I'm going to turn my life over to that power. Right? That's steps one, two, and three. Once you Right. I can't do it. That's step one. I suppose there's a power that could do it. That's step two. All right. Let me give myself give myself over to that power. That's step three. Once you've done that, now you can start to clean house. You can look at what we call the wrongs and the and and the defects of character and shortcomings. No problem. No problem. In fact, we we need to do that. We need to clean house. But if you try to clean house before the surrender, I mean I once heard somebody say there was this lady talking about um be she says before I got into recovery I must have read every self-help book known to man. I was obsessed with self-help and I would constantly immerse myself into different self-help books. I was always reading and applying another self-help book one after the other and I couldn't get sober. Why couldn't I get sober? I don't understand. And then she said, "I realized because it was all self-will. It was all human power. It was literally self-help. It was self-help. I'm helping myself." Or they say, you know, if you have alcoholism, once you put the plug in the jug and you give up the alcohol, but you still have the ism. What's the ism? I sponsor myself. ism is I sponsor myself. So meaning if there's no surrender, if there's no submission, then it's like a six-foot man with a 5-ft blanket. You know, he could keep pulling it up and pulling it down and trying to cover his whole body, but it's always going to come up short on one end or the other. And before the surrender, you can do your own house cleaning. You can try to figure out what's messed up about you and try to fix it, but at the end of the day, you're not really going to be able to make any serious changes. I mean, all those character defects like like like we know. And one of my favorite essays actually in the English language is the um the fourth step essay in the 12 and 12. So I know different people have different feelings about um Bill W's 12 steps and uh 12 uh traditions book was written long after the the big book. But there's an incredible essay there about the uh fourth step and it it describes character defects as survival instincts that have exceeded their functionality. I always you know when I teach Tanya and I teach about the two souls, the godly soul and the animal soul, I always use words to that effect. I say the animal soul is not evil. It's just anim animalistic. What does it do? wants to survive like any animal wants to survive, right? And it was given to you by your creator as a as a necessary function of life or as a the engine sort of that that keeps you involved in the necessary functions of life. And if it's if you put a a a yoke on the beast of burden, right, if the ox has a has a harness on him, then then he he produces great yield. he's very productive. But if it's a bull in a china shop, he's not he's not working for you. He's just running after whatever he wants. So he's going to wreak havoc. He's going to cause destruction. So the the animal soul is survival instincts that have exceeded their functionality. Like if it reminds you to eat and drink and sleep, then it's a survival mech mechanism. But when it exceeds its functionality, it tells you to eat everything, to get up at 3 in the morning and go eat the cheesecake before anyone else can, you know, that's exceeding its functionality. Um, and then there's a lot of u survival mechanisms that come up for us as as as a defense to stuff that's not our own fault. Like could be childhood trauma. It's not your fault. But um you learn certain ways of dealing with childhood trauma. Um you know, one person learns how to crack a joke to to to diffuse the ch the tension. Another person learns how to become invisible just to go hide and no one notices you. And that's how you deal with dysfunction. Another person learns how to be meaner than mean. You know, you're going to come after me, I'll come after you. Then you'll pick on somebody else. you'll skip me next time cuz I'm I'm not worth the trouble. I'm too tough. I'm too too scary. And all of these um personality traits become like our go-to traits that we use not just to survive the dysfunction that we're exposed to as children, but then, you know, we we we settle upon those traits in the first place for a reason because it's something that we're probably skilled at. It's a it's a talent, something we're better than average at. And when you're better than average at something and you do it and you get the results that you wanted, you do it more and more and more and more until that becomes your personality. Okay? So survival mechanisms which exceed their functionality. I it's not just this like technical mechanical thing. It actually is really in a very human way. It is it is your personality. Like if the way that you learn to survive in a scary unpredictable world is by becoming, you know, the tough guy or you learn how to survive by being the appeaser, you know, the diplomat, the one who's always trying to make peace between everyone. Or you learn how to survive by, I don't know, being the the people pleaser, always um giving in. Or maybe you learned how to survive by being manipulative, by being a liar, by by getting people to do what they don't want to do. There's so many different ways that we learn how to survive. And then that becomes your personality and it becomes your strong suit. It becomes the thing that you are awesome at. It also becomes the thing that destroys you because first of all, you can't have any genuine intimacy because you're not able to be yourself because I can't afford to be myself. I I have to be on guard. I have to use my suit of armor to protect myself. Um, but but also it just when this thing becomes the go-to thing, uh, it becomes almost like a compulsion where it's like I don't even want to do this, but this is what I have. It's like almost like a a ritual of sorts. I have to do this. This is what I do. And it's not even a conscious thought. That's what makes it so powerful. It's not even conscious. So, we have these defects of character. And these defects of character are so hard to give up because they do work. They have worked. They kept us safe as children. They keep us safe as adults and we're good at them and we have a lot of practice at them and we do them a lot. And we do them instinctively, reflexively, unconsciously. So it's really really hard to stop. Really hard to stop. And again, they they're effective. Like even if my go-to thing is something I'm not particularly proud of, let's say it's something that it's mean. Let's say my way of surviving is I know how to lie to you to get you off my back. Well, I I'm as a moral person, I know that lying is wrong, right? But that's how I survive. That's what I use and I'm really good at it. So why would I stop? How could I stop? Right? All right. My point to you is this. My point to you is this. You would think that the first thing that we should work on is our character defects. You're doing something that goes against your values and your morals and your principles. So, stop doing that. Just stop it. But it's not so easy because there's a reason that I'm doing it. The reason I'm doing is because this is this is what I know how to do. This is how I survive in this cold, cruel world. And I'm not ready to give that up. I don't even know how to give it up. And if I were to give it up, on the off chance some by some fluke, I I figured out how to give it up. I don't even know how I would survive after that. What would I what would I do instead of that? What would I do instead of my character defects, which are essentially my my defense mechanisms? That's why that the housekeeping steps can't come first. That's why that like that lady was saying that she read every self-help book in the world and and and and followed every self-help book in the world, but until she came to the program and she gave her life over to God, she couldn't get sober with all that self-help. Because essentially what you're doing with self-help is you're just rearranging and shifting around your human power. So even if you make a change in one area, then you expose and leave vulnerable another area. The only way to actually get rid of the character defects is to first do the God steps, the surrender, the submission to make the decision. Are you in or are you out? Are you ready to surrender yourself completely to this relationship? Whatever that will mean for you. meaning to say the surrender when I say I'm going to put myself in in God's care basically means wherever the chips are going to fall I'm ready to go with it. I'm I'm I'm terrified but I have no choice at this point. I'm I'm just ready to go with it. And once that decision has been reached, well now if I start dropping my defects of character which are at this point synonymous with my personality, my my personality which took decades of developing and curating, right? But if I drop all that and there's nothing left and I'm just the big zero or like in the also an expression in the 12 and 12 I think in the sixth step essay he says if I give up my character defects what will be left of me I'll be like I'll be like the hole in the donut I'll be like the hole in the donut right so yeah but that's what I'm ready for that's what I signed up for because I did the surrender first then I am ready to be left as nothing. And that's okay. And I'm comfortable being nothing. I'm okay with being nothing if that's what God wants for me. You see what I'm saying? While you're still trying to be a something and you're just trying to improve your somethingness and be a better something than you've been, you're not really going to be able to surrender your character defects. You're not going to let go of them. Not when push comes to shove. That's why the housekeeping steps can't come first. But if you do the surrender first and you're ready to just freef fall. You're just ready to whatever happens is going to happen and I'll meet the real me. Whatever that is, but at least for once in my life, I'll meet the real me. And if it's nothing like the curated version of myself that I've come to know, so be it. You know, I'm not I'm not beggars can't be choosers. I'm not I'm not picking over here. I'm I'm I'm surrendering. I'm surrendering. So once you've done that surrender, now you can do a real house cleaning. Okay. So that's the idea here that Roshashana is surrender. That's the beginning of the the the 10 days of repentance. You don't embark on the process of repentance, meaning stock taking inventory, admitting wrongs, until you've done the surrender. Because if you do it earlier, if you try to do the inventory before you've done the surrender, you're not even going to get an honest inventory. Even if you could get an honest inventory, you're not going to have the guts to get rid of the stuff that's not working. And even if you got rid of it, you you wouldn't even know how to face yourself after you dropped it and you would just pick it all back up again. Okay, so this is an important thing to understand. The order of Shana and Yam Kipper is first surrender, then let's make the relationship work. like my father's approach to marriage counseling. First, let's make a decision. Are we saving the marriage? If we've made that decision, then any marriage can be saved. If we're not saving it, then it can't be saved. Binary decision. Are we in or are we out once that's been done? Yeah. Okay, fine. So, so now let's look at what needs to be fixed. Now, let's look at needs to be fixed. And that's basically what happens um you know the the the confessional prayer and we admit all of the different wrongs even things that we haven't done. That's why it's said in the plural the the sin that we sinned because even if we didn't personally do it someone else may have done it. And you know, like they say in recovery, you got to bring your wei. Like the first the first word of the steps. Don't forget the first word of the steps. So we it's not I admit it. It's we. We. All the the beginning of all the steps is implied. It's we. Every single step we admitted says we. But then came to believe. Who came to believe? We came to believe. Made a decision. Who made a decision? We made a decision. made a searching and fe fearless moral inventory. Who did? We we made a searching for a fearless moral inventory and and and and so on and so forth through the steps. So, a shaman gazali, these are all in the in those are all we. It's a first person uh plural. First person plural is we. So, even if I didn't specifically do it, maybe someone else did it and uh we're doing this together. We're in this together. Yeah. You got to bring your Wii. At any rate, the point is that Roshashana is the surrender and the acceptance, the submission. Yim Kipper is the inventory. Let's figure out what's broken and let's do something about it. And we get really into the nitty-gritty of the exact nature of our wrongs. Um yeah so that's an important point I wanted to share with you. The order is Roshashana and then Yim Kipper. Not Yim Kipper and then Roshashana. It's not let's clean up the house and then decide if if we're going to keep the house. No, you decide you're keeping the house and then you then you clean it. So that's one big idea I wanted to share with you about uh Yim Kipper. Yim Kipper has to come after Roshashana. It only works if it happens after Roshashana. Now another thing I want to share with you a related idea somewhat even you could say just another way of saying the same idea that we've said just now and that is you know I spoke earlier about atonement is at onement that the the mechanics of atonement let me let me unpack it a little more slowly than I did the first time about the mechanics of atonement but you know I said that there's that place within us I I mentioned at the beginning of the class there's that place within us that's so perfect and pristine that it's uncorruptible I think is the word that I used. Okay. So let me explain something like this. There is a place within us that is one with God. That place cannot rebel. It cannot stray. We can betray that place by behaving in ways that are misaligned with our true essence. But we cannot change our true essence. Our true essence is oneness with God. And on that level, it just automatically expresses God's will. Never the opposite. Doesn't go against God. God God's will. But the fact is we're multi-levelled beings. So there can be misalignment between the different levels. So you could have your behaviors be misaligned with your essence. Meaning you can behave in a way that's not true to yourself. Maybe that's really what it means to thine own self be true. Perhaps that's what that means. Uh and it's not just that behaviors can be misaligned with our essence because it's obvious that behaviors can be misaligned with our essence because behaviors are the most external superficial level of of the human experience. But even things that are more internal like let's say um thoughts thoughts are more internal than behaviors, right? Thoughts are not even physical. And yet our thoughts can certainly be misaligned with our essence. We can have scripts that we're reciting out loud in our own head. I mean, not physically out loud, but we can have these these monologues that we tell ourselves repeatedly that are not even true. You know, if you tell yourself that you're anything other than a child of God, that's, you know, that's not true. Um, you know, you can go go even deeper than thoughts because thought is still external because it's still an form. It's still a form of expression. You can have things that are even deeper than expression like emotion. Emotion comes before thought because thoughts express emotion. The emotion is what is expressed in the thought. The emotion is the the the energy that's before even expression. Even internal expression like thought. So emotions, you could have emotions very internal but emotions that are misaligned with your essence. Meaning, you could love things that your essence doesn't care for, but you can have a really strong pull or an attraction to something and and find it really important, but your essence doesn't find that thing important or valuable or worthy of love. And conversely, you know, you could have a really strong fear of something that you think is really really um formidable and your essence being at one with God is completely not concerned with that thing. It's not intimidated. So in that case, your your emotions are misaligned with your essence. And you can go even deeper even your your your um your intellect and by that I don't just mean your thoughts because thoughts are the expression of the intellect I mean even deeper intellect itself meaning the wiring itself meaning the capacity for processing information the way the hard drive is built not the software even that could become misaligned with your essence so that your way of processing reality is is not a reflection of the truth. So there are so many levels on which we become misaligned with our essence. And if you want to use the cabalistic terms, so these are names of the soul, but they're not all the same entity that they're naming. That's why they have different names. They're different levels or layers of the soul. So nephish you can't translate these words you know but uh nephish is the spiritual energy which animates behaviors action and ruach is the spiritual energy which animates the the emotions and um nama is the spiritual energy which animates the intellect and then kaya is even deeper it's it's much more rarified and abstract it's the spiritual energy which I would say it animates your faith or your beliefs your your your most deeply held convictions, but even those could be misaligned with your essence. And then the highest level is comes from the word, which means one or united in union with is the part of us that's one with God. And and so here's the deal. The atonement slashatonement is really a process of allowing the layers of false self to fall away. And this is also why this cannot be done until we have a rashashana until we have the opportunity for surrender. Because if you haven't yet surrendered to God, then your self-concept is still a humanpowered self-concept. Which means there's a limit to how much of yourself you can give up. You're not going to let yourself surrender all those layers because that's you. And how can you not be you? But if you have surrendered first, then you're ready for whatever. You're ready to freef fall into infinity and find your true self or not. Or not. That's also a possibility. Or not. Or I won't find my true self. But at least I'm not going to continue to play the role of a false self. And what happens is all that stuff that was a betrayal of my essence, it comes to light as just that, as a betrayal, as a an a a a false expression, a a a a misalignment. and um and it becomes irrelevant and it just drops off. I I I think you know anyone who's been through the the steps understands what I'm describing here. Even though this sounds very poetic and maybe it's hard to relate to these words, but if you've done the steps, you know what does it mean? Um in six and seven were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character and humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings. Basically, it's so interesting. It doesn't mean that we go and work on our shortcomings and we try to fix it or change it. Doesn't say that at all. It actually means we're just ready for him to take it. We say, "God, I'm ready to surrender this. I've been using this a lot. This character defect here. Um, this has been my defense mechanism. This is my coping mechanism. This is how I've been getting through life until now. I I use this all the time, multiple times a day. This is my go-to thing in all the most stressful situations. This is what I go to. And you know, this has been a prized possession even for all of the chaos that it's brought me in in my life. But this is what I know and I've been I've perfected it. You know, I I I'm a I'm a master at this. I'm a black belt in this. And yet, because I've done the surrender already, I'm ready to give it up. I'm ready to let it drop. And you know, what will I use to protect myself from now on if I don't have my coping mechanisms? It's a very important question. Listen to me. What will I use to defend myself now? From now on, if I let my coping mechanisms drop away, if I if I've identified that my defects of character are essentially coping mechanisms which have exceeded their functionality and I'm ready to let them drop, then how exactly am I going to function and how exactly am I going to protect myself and and and how and or how will I be defended and what will defend me and what's the answer? What's the answer? And why can this only happen after surrender? The answer is I'm retired. I don't protect myself anymore. I don't pursue my agenda anymore. I'm not here to be responsible to shield myself from reality anymore. I've surrendered. God has taken care of me. He is curating my experience. I will trust him even when he brings me through through something that that causes me distress. I'll breathe through it. I'll move. I'll keep just I I'll get to the other side. I'll flow through it. But no, I am not going to try to curate my own experience. I'm not here to try to buffer things or block things or deflect things or I'm really surrender means I'm ready to experience reality naked and to let it all come at me however God wants it to come at me and at the end of the day it's only him bringing it to me. So you know who could hurt me? What can hurt me? Nothing. It's all fine. It's all good. All right. So that's again why you can't you don't have a chance to let the character defects drop away until you've done the surrender because you first have to be ready with no longer being that version of yourself. No longer being that version of yourself that as far as you know because it's all you have known that's the real you. Even though you kind of sense how could it be the real me? It leads me to doing things that are in violation of my own morals and principles. How could how could I be in I mean it's a terminological inongruity. How could my true self force me or lead me to engage in behaviors that I don't even approve of? I don't even think this is a good way to live. So how how is that supposed to make sense? And so I know that it can't really be the real me. I know that this isn't the real me. But it's all I know. It's all I've experienced. And if I let this false self drop away, what am I going to be left with? And how am I going to function? How am I going to live? All right. So again, if you try to do house cleaning before you do surrender, you have no adequate answer to any of those questions. And basically, no matter how much goodwill you have and how much you want to turn over a new leaf, you're not going to be able to because sooner or later, you're gonna have to you're gonna have to do something to function and you're probably just going to do the go-to thing that you know that that it works. So, the surrender has to come first. We have to be comfortable with free falling. We have to be comfortable with at least the notion that my true self is nothing like the self that I've gotten to know over this whole lifetime. And with that, then you can have the atonement, the at onement. And that's what actually causes all of that garbage, all that schmutz, that cakedown debris to just fall off, blow away, disperse. Is that when you truly surrender, you get back to your truest self, your essential self, whatever it is. And then you have no need for the survival mechanisms which have exceeded their functionality. Um yeah. Okay. Now a couple other things I just want to mention since we're talking about Yim Kipper. Um I want to get into a little bit more some of the other housekeeping steps. I think I've, you know, spoken about, you know, things that you might relate to as four, five, six, and seven. Basically, uh, owning up to our wrongs and then kind of letting that drop. But let's talk about 8 and nine, which is, um, amends, and that's when we have another person involved. Okay. In Jewish law, there are two types of obligations. We have binom means between the person and the omnipresent, which means God. Means between the person and his fellow or his his friend, which means interpersonal relationships. So like something that's between you and God. I don't know, worshiping idols, like the worst possible sin in the world. But who does it hurt other than yourself, right? Um just between you and God. But then like let's talk about don't murder, you know, that that affects somebody else, the guy you murdered, you know, his family, society as a whole, right? Uh don't steal, don't lie, all that stuff that governs interpersonal relationships. Okay. So, let's talk about the fact that yim kipper is a time for asking each other forgiveness. I think a lot of people are familiar with this. Even people who are not so well-versed in Jewish law, I think are familiar with the theme of calling and asking for forgiveness between Roshashan and Yim Kipper. So, let's talk a little bit about that. Okay. So here here's the thing. God forgives everything. But if you have something that belongs to someone else, how can God forgive you? And God can forgive anything. Even idol worship, which again is like the worst sin, and God can forgive that. But if you took something that belongs to somebody else and you're going to go to God and say, "Can we work out a a payment plan?" God's going to say, "Go to that guy. Pay him." Now, you know, there are payment plans and there are payment plans. If you stole from somebody, that's pretty easy to work out a payment plan. You got to pay him back the money or whatever it is you stole. But then there are other infractions where you didn't take someone's money. Maybe you took their peace of mind. That's a much harder payment plan to figure out. How do you pay back their peace of mind? You know, maybe you traumatized them. Maybe you took away their sense of security. Maybe you took away their dignity. Maybe you you said hurtful words that took away their their their self-esteem. And how do you pay that back? Maybe you were living in a self-indulgent, irresponsible way that forced them to to be worried all the time. took away their their their their ability to to live a productive life and you're going to say, "Well, they should just go to Alanon and then they'll figure that out even if I if I continue being a wacko." Well, you're right, but that's their inventory, not yours. So, do your own inventory. Don't take someone else's inventory. The point is that, you know, imagine if you did act in an irresponsible way that caused somebody else a lot of heartache and a lot of sleepless nights. How do you pay that back? Now, again, you stole somebody's money, stole $1,000, you can pay $1,000. But what do you do when you took things that are a little bit less uh tangible? So, you know, there's the concept of amends and amends doesn't just mean um giving back what you took, but it means making it right. It means appeasement. That's what we call uh to be Mafias. Mafias means to appease. So I got to go to you and I got to ask you how can I be Mafias you? How can I appease you? What do I got to do? What do I do to make you feel okay about this again? And until I've done that or at least attempted that, I have no business going to God and asking for forgiveness. So, it is very very important that during this time of year that uh if you have any outstanding um eighth step list items, let's just clear that up and let's go to people and say to them, how can I make it right? What would I have to do to give you back whatever it is that I that I took from you? And sometimes, a lot of times, all people need is an apology. They just need to see that you're not gaslighting them anymore. You're you're ready to say, "You know what? Yeah, me and you have the same version of reality. I'm not going to lie to you anymore. That's what happened. You're right. That's what I did. And that was wrong. And I'm trying not to be that kind of person anymore." And it's very important to me that I don't let that come between me and God. And I think you can even be transparent with somebody and say, "Listen, I'm doing this out of a sense of duty. I I don't even think I'm such a noble person. I'm I'm not seeking you out to make amends because I think I'm so virtuous. I have no choice. I've come to a point where I realize that I cannot live a selfish life. The only way I can live is to do or to try to do as much as possible what God wants for me. And I can't live a life that's aligned with God's will while I have old debt. So, how do I pay up the old debt? What can I do to make it right for you? A lot of times, I mean, don't rely on this, but a lot of times, just somebody hearing your honesty and and the fact that you're just confirming for them what they always kind of knew was true. That itself is a relief. And they'll say to you, you know what? There's you did it already. What you needed to do, you did. Thank you. Thank you for confirming that I didn't make this whole thing thing up in my mind. Thank you for confirming that you you were kind of rotten to me. That's it. You know what? I'm great. I I'm great. You know, and and I'm happy for you. It looks like you're doing a lot better than LA, you know, when we used to hang out. Looks like you're on to something. I don't know what got into you, but it, you know, looks like it's pretty healthy. So, just keep that up and that's all I need from you. That's a lot of cases. That's that's what'll happen. Anywh who, um yeah, seeking out and making amends very important. Um and I'll just you know I'll mention one more thing before we wrap up over here and that is that um someone's asking how does hala deal I'm looking in the chat on YouTube how does deal with from someone who's no longer alive. Um, I mean, I'm sure you're familiar with what it says that you go to that person's grave. Some uh some say to go to the grave with a uh with a quorum, with a minion, with a group, but uh yeah, forgiveness after someone's passed away is a real thing. Okay, just one last thing I want to bring up. Um, you may say to yourself, "What kind of joke is this? I did this last year and now I'm doing it again this year. God has to know that I am insincere." Okay, I want to talk to you about that. There is a concept in the Talmud. Anyone who says I will I will sin and repent later, he will not manage to repent. What that means is a person will say to himself, you know what, I know this is wrong, but there is a thing called tshoua, penitence, and uh I'm going to have to do some penitence later for this infraction. Okay, here I go and I'll I'm going to sin and then I'll I'll then I'll clean it up after. And so the Talmud says, "It's not going to work. it's you're not going to manage to do chuva. So seemingly you could ask, isn't that what that what isn't that precisely what we do every year? Every year we ask for forgiveness and then we sin again so that we have to ask for forgiveness again the next year. So that's like someone who says I'll sin and then repent later. It's basically what we're doing. So this is actually not my original question although a lot of people do relate to this question. I saw this question in Egosa Sachova of Tanya. That's the third volume of Tanya. It's all about repentance. It's in chapter 11 actually if you want to look it up. And the Balatana says that what does it mean when the Talmud says anyone who says I will sin and repent later will not manage to do will not manage to repent. It means that if at the moment of the moral dilemma itself, you say to yourself, you know what, I could hold myself back, but why bother holding myself back? Let me indulge now and I'll just repent later. Then what you've done is a terrible thing. You've taken the concept of repentance, which is this beautiful concept, and you used it to embolden yourself to psych yourself up into sinning. Well, there's a principle in Kate Nisa snagger that a prosecutor cannot become a defender. Tshova itself, repentance itself was part of your psychology in emboldening yourself to sin. So now you're going to meaning to say it becomes part of the the the the prosecution. Now you want to defend yourself. You want to do a tshoua and say, "Oh, come in uh tshoua and uh help me get back in God's good graces." No, no. You already used your tusha card. You used it for the infraction. You used it to get yourself to sin. Now you want to use it to get yourself to do penitence. Not going to work. So the the balatanya says like this what does it mean that Talmud says anyone says I'll sin and repent later he won't manage to repent is that when you used the concept of penance in the moment of the moral dilemma itself where you gave in to the struggle and just did whatever you want to do relying on the fact that tshoua is always a possibility then you've corrupted the concept of tshoua however what we do is very different it's not at the moment of the moral dilemma. It's not at the moment of struggle. It's after the the struggle is passed. We're we're sitting in Shaolan on Yimkipper and we're thinking about our past year and we're thinking about the year ahead of us and we're sincerely saying I don't want to do any of that stuff again. I'll be very happy to never do those sins again. So in that case, this is nothing like anyone who says I will sin now and repent later. Nothing at all. What we're saying is we sincerely wish that we won't repeat those sins. Now, do we know in the back of our mind there's a high chance, high likelihood that we will rep repeat those sins? Yeah, we know that. We know that based on our track record that we had a sincere desire last year and the year before and the year before. But, but that's not the point. The point is at this moment when we're repenting, we really really wish that this will be done. will be thrilled to find out that we never repeat any of our sins again. So this is not a concept of using tshoua to to embolden you to sin. The sin's done. It's behind you. You did it already anyway. Now the question is can you face God and say forgive me even though you know b b b b b b b b b b b b b b b b b b b b b b b b b b b b b b b b b b b b b b b b based on your track record that a month from now or even a week from now or even a day from now you're going to cave. And the answer is, of course, you can face God and and sincerely say, "This is where I'm at right now. This is what I would like to have happen. I I really pray that I I I I do never sin again." Oh, and by the way, the Balatanya says, "Even the guy who says, "I'll sin now and repent later," who really does violate that principle, the Talmud says he won't manage to repent, meaning it won't be an easy process for him. But if he'll go out of his way and really apply himself, even he could eventually do as well. Um, yeah. So, we're heading into a new year, a new level. Every year is on a higher level. ready to stand before Hashem and say we're ready to let go of all that stuff that we thought would make us happy cuz we know that it doesn't. We know that's not what we're really here for. It's not really satisfying. And we're ready to drop it all and we'll be thrilled thrilled to find out that this is the year that uh we drop it all and let it stay dropped and don't pick it back up and just do things the way God wants us to do them. That would be that would be beautiful. That would be a dream. That would just be dreamy if we could drop it all on Yim Kipper and just just leave it dropped and just remain in a mode of surrender to Hashem's will and not not picking back up any self-will. Of course, that's what we want. Of course, that's our intent. And uh you know, God willing, we should uh be able to live up to that or live closer to that. Sometimes it's just a matter of progress, not perfection, right? Just a little bit closer to that ideal than we've been before. And that itself can be something amazing. Okay. Uh thank you very much. should be completely sealed for a good sweet new year.