Rabbi REVEALS Judaism’s relationship secrets

there was a four alarm fire at a warehouse on the docks and they called in don't worry it didn't really it's just a joke didn't really and they called in all the fire departments from the area they all came down with their hook and ladder trucks but the blaze was raging no one could get close to it no one could get close enough to try to fight the fire then they heard in the distance faint siren wailing getting close Clos getting closer who could it be all the local fire departments were already there and as the siren approached they saw who was it it was the Jewish volunteer fire department yes the local Jewish Fire Department volunteer fire department and they were coming to offer their help their assistance in putting out this for alarm fire and the all the other trucks were around parked around the the uh The Blaze and the the firemen the firefighters were standing around and they saw this the the Jewish Volunteer Fire Department fire truck it was an old fire truck an old secondhand fire truck that the Jewish volunteer fire department had bought on eBay and it was this old fire truck but they were going they were going so fast down the dock toward the the warehouse toward the Blaze and they came in Full Speed Ahead they were going they going going and they went straight into the FL Flames into the center of the Blaze and they started to fight the fire and and they put it out they put it out they were the heroes they were the heroes and the mayor of the Town awarded them $50,000 for putting out the Blaze and the local news crews were there and the news reporter asks Captain Goldstein the captain of the Jewish Volunteer Fire Department the news reporter says Captain Goldstein captain of the Jewish volunteer fire department you you and your crew you were so brave you entered the thick of the fire the flames in the middle the midst of the Flames when nobody else could get close to it and you were so brave so courageous and you put out the fire your truck just went straight there in the middle of the fire and you put it out and now you're winning $50,000 and wow what are you going to do with that money and Captain Goldstein says first thing we're going to do is get brakes for that truck it's an old Rabbi joke but okay I'm glad at least one person hadn't heard it okay all right Rabbi I took your joke you can't use that anymore okay you can recycle it in a couple years okay in life there's gas and there's brakes there's go and there's stop emotionally we refer to these as love and respect love is the emotion that drives me closer to my beloved that's the go the green light respect is the breaks respect is stop back off be still make space and cabalistic we refer to these asid loving kindness and gura self-restraint and these two emotions are opposites but they are complementary and they are really ideally speaking the two main stays of every relationship every relationship has these two opposite but complementary emotions of love and respect however if you were to ask yourself which one of the two is more important and what do I mean more important they're both important well let's say we're going to start with one and work on the other or we're going to start with one and we don't know if we're going to ever have the other which one do we want to have first which one is it ENT potential that we have first or could it go either way you could start from here and go there start from there go here and the interesting thing is if you think to yourself you know trying to figure out which one is which one is more crucial which one is more essential love is what I do for you respect is what I don't do because of you and when you're trying to figure out which one is more crucial of the two you know look at a relationship and and ask where the relationships break down which is a bigger intimacy breaker the failure to do something I was supposed to do for you or if I went ahead and did something anyway wasn't supposed to do because of you we can always fall short of doing the things we're supposed to do for our beloved I mean it's not ideal but I'm saying we were supposed to do it we didn't do it we forgot we were lazy we we didn't do enough of the things we were supposed to do and and somehow you know the relationship can remain intact but when there are those things that I'm not supposed to do because of you where I was supposed to exercise self-restraint I wasn't supposed to go there I know you didn't want me to go there you told me not to go there you expressed your wishes your limits your boundaries I violated them then it's very very hard to keep the relationship intact furthermore furthermore the truth is that if I don't have respect if I don't have self-restraint limits then not only am I lacking self-restraint discipline boundaries which are essential to every relationship but furthermore what what I will tell you is I don't even really have love I don't really have giving you following what I'm saying so it's not only that respect is more important than love or let's say like this respect without love can endure but love without respect cannot so respect is more important than love but it's not only that but I I'm going even further now I'm saying love without respect isn't even really love what does that mean let's give an example let's give a few examples let's say like this a husband and you know in this example it's the husband I'm not saying it's any particular husband I'm not trying to pick on husbands but in this case let's let it be a husband comes home 3 hours late for dinner without call in what is that he got involved in something important maybe it was even something um it wasn't fun it was uh some some type of responsibility and he ended up not calling home and telling his wife that he's going to be late for dinner 3 hours late that that's a lack of respect that's a lack of containment okay I should have been able to stop ideally stop go home and then go back to whatever I needed to take care of or at least stop call text whatever communicate and then go back to whatever it was that I needed to take care of so husband comes home 3 hours late for dinner without calling that's a lack of respect lack of boundaries and limits self-containment self-discipline but in this particular hypothetical scenario he has when he walks in the door 3 hours late for dinner without calling he has a dozen roses a dozen roses that's love he's doing something for her in fact let me add she actually likes roses in fact he knows she likes red roses he got the red roses so he walks in the door 3 hours late without calling and he has a dozen red roses how does his wife receive the Dozen Roses does she feel loved why is she being spiteful is she not allowing herself to appreciate the Roses or is there something intrinsically Difficult about receiving the roses in this scenario under these conditions so let's look at this a little bit you know the story about the locks locks in is a singular word not plural like keys and locks the locks the fish the locks you know locks salmon there was a lock the locks was swimming in the river the fisherman caught the locks in his net pulled him out of the river threw him in a bucket and as he did so the fisherman said oh good I have locks for The King The King loves locks and the locks thought to himself Splendid the king loves locks get me to this this locks loving King because the fisherman Fisherman's cruel he hates locks he ripped me out of the river took me out of my home and put me in this prison this bucket he obviously does not like locks but they say the king likes in fact the king loves locks get me to the king he'll treat me right so with the bucket in hand the fisherman runs to the Palace he knocks on the door the guard comes the door who goes there it's the fisherman why are you here I'm here with a fresh locks for the king and the guard says oh Splendid come in the king loves locks and the locks thinks to himself get me to this locks loving King already the king who loves locks and the guard runs through the palace halls with the fisherman and brings him into the Royal Kitchen and he says to the chef what are you doing the chef says I'm preparing the King's lunch and the guard says I think you're going to want to stop whatever you're making start over now because the fisherman is here and he has a fresh locks and the Royal Chef says oh Splendid the king loves locks we have locks excellent very good and um at that moment the king walks in and the the chef says King you're going to be very happy you're going to have a locks for lunch and and the locks hears this and he says oh my goodness I'm the king's guest I'm he's I'm he's going to have me for lunch I'm going to go home tonight I'm going to tell my wife hey you never guess who I had lunch with today yeah I'm an important guy important fish yeah had lunch with the king that's true yeah did you know he loves locks no I didn't know that about him but apparently he really loves Our Kind so the lock is pumped about this and at that moment the fisherman hands the bucket to the chef and the chef takes the lock pulls him out of the bucket throws him on the table and takes a big Cleaver and knocks his head off and in his last moment of Consciousness the fish says don't question it at this point by the way you had a reasonable suspension of dis disbelief till this point so and as he realizes no he he's being killed now he's going to be eaten for lunch by the king uh as he realizes what's happening the lock says King these people are all mad they say that you love locks you don't love locks you love yourself sometimes when I say I love you I don't mean I love you I mean I love myself and I like how I feel when I'm around you when I'm with you when I get whatever it is I get from you the king doesn't love locks the king loves himself locks is something the king uses in order to give himself pleasure it's like a bear in the woods you know you ever seen the Bears in the woods they can't uh scratch their backs so they find a tree and then they go and they lean again you ever seen this the Bears in the nature films and they rub up against the tree and they scratch their back on the tree and then when they're done they walk away from the tree you know nothing personal there were no connection to the tree just I needed to to scratch my back and that tree works you know bear just walks off and the tree is just stuck rooted there the tree is like hey where are you going I thought we had a thing here the Bear's like no no I just need to take care of business and I did thank you very much and then the Bear's gone okay so the bear doesn't love the tree and the King doesn't love the locks and very often when I say I love you well I don't love you people say I love chocolate I love chocolate did you ever see anybody jump into a river in a freezing cold River to save a drowning bar of chocolate it's not it's not it's just not that altruistic but I love CH I don't love chocolate I love myself and chocolate is a tool that I use to administer pleasure to myself okay so think about it like this we were saying before if there's not respect then even the love isn't really love why why why isn't the love of love just say there's no respect but there's love it' be better if there's respect and love but there's no respect but there is love I'm saying no if there's no respect then there's no love why well I shouldn't say say there's no love there's no love of the other if it were really about you if I were really thinking about you then that would have expressed itself in my I having respect I would have thought about not doing what hurts you I would have thought about not overstepping the boundaries the understanding of our relationship and the fact that I did it anyway means I'm not thinking of you so then why am I bringing home the Dozen Roses well you know something I got to tell you some times it feels good to be generous it feels good to be loving it's a good feeling we like the warm fuzzy Everyone likes to do loving is doing loving is giving loving is activity everyone enjoys doing giving being generous and being recognized for being generous respect you have to be a lot more mature because respect is not doing Respect by defin is not doing by the way people confuse honor with respect honor is something you do you honor somebody you know you honor them you give them a you know give them recognition respect is a different word honor is not respect um in fact in the Torah the commandment to honor your parents there's actually two Commandments to honor and respect they're two separate things okay so honor is to show um special status to somebody that's one thing that respect doesn't mean honoring them respect doesn't even mean you look up to them respect doesn't even mean you admire them respect just means simple boundaries respect means whoa hold on don't go there I don't like it step back so I don't have respect for you I overstep my boundaries in a seemingly minor way I'm busy I'm doing stuff I didn't think to stop or I didn't I was I couldn't be bothered to stop and call text whatever that's a lack of respect now I come in with the Dozen Roses those Dozen Roses aren't about you they're all they're all about me I like the feeling of giving I like the feeling of doing it's fun to give it's fun to do what's not fun is not giving not doing withholding self-containment and and and that's part of why the glue of the relationship is the self-containment the self-restraint that's part of why intimacy requires it because it requires maturity because it requires selflessness you can do and be very selfish you can do for someone selfishly and have the greatest cover right that's the codependent right I'm the Martyr I do for everybody but really you're taking from everybody you're taking that validation you're getting that identity as The Giver the Savior the Martyr the Jewish mother the one who takes care of everyone else's problems who never takes care of of her own life so see I I I use the Jewish mother to counterbalance the husband who came home late I just wanted to not be sexist so I I'm Distributing it evenly over the the genders respect withholding you know being still you don't get attention for it you don't get credit for it if you do it right you don't get credit for it if you withhold if you refrain you were going to do something that was violating or out of line and then you stop and you withhold nobody knows that you did it or rather nobody knows that you didn't do it unless you say like oh by the way I was about to do something really inappropriate that was going to really overstep my boundaries with you and show you a total disregard for your privacy and space and and autonomy but I just want you to know I thought better of it and I'm not doing it FY die so it kind of defeats the point you're kind of not doing look in the Torah there are 613 Commandments there are 248 dos and 365 don'ts and and it's not just a quantitative advantage that the don'ts have over the dues it's also quantitatively implied also qualitatively the bulk of our relationship with God is what we don't do look at the Ten Commandments it's even more imbalanced I think seven out of the 10 start with Thou shalt not if you're into king of James if you want to say in Hebrew it's low don't do this don't do that the majority of our relationship is about boundaries it's an interesting story there was a a a laich by laich I mean a Jew from the town of laich the actual town of laich in white Russia and he came to America in the in the in the 30s in the 1930s and now in the 1930s American jewry was very very assimilated even the what we would call religious Jews of that day were very I mean you have to remember what it was like those who came over from the old country and they came to the golden Medina and the opportunity the the freedom the openness was just sort of overwhelming again you see what happens when there's a lack of of boundaries okay so there was a laava Jew from the actual town of laava his name was rabbi kazanowski and he was a rabbi in Bensonhurst Brooklyn of an officially Orthodox synagogue where nobody was particularly religious because they were American style so he was speaking to some of his um compatriots from from the Alim from the old from the old country you know Al lansman somebody who was from Eastern Europe and they asked him to describe the American Jews and he said you know American Jews are very funny they all know how to make kides but none of them know how to make havdalah now what does that mean you could you could take this on two levels and they're both true one level is literally they all knew how to make kidish Friday night you make kiddish I mean who doesn't know kides right if if I I walk into a group of Jews irrespective of level of observance and I say join with me right Kish people know Kish Hava what's havdala Hava is an obscure ceremony Saturday night who who Who's Who still thinking about chabas Saturday night so he he meant literally that kiddish was preserved Friday night you get a cup of wine and maybe afterwards everybody goes to the movies or to their uh Athletics or socializing or the country club or the restaurant or whatever it is kidish they knew but Saturday night hav don't they they didn't know it he meant it on a deeper level as well kides is from the word kadosh which means holy kides is to sanctify or to Proclaim as holy when it's Friday night when the Sun goes down when the Sabbath day enters so we make kides which basically means ah this is the holy day it's a day of Holiness Hava when chabas ends Hava literally means separation to make a distinction that this was chabas and now we're leaving chabas we're going into the mundane week so what he meant to say is the American Jews they don't have a problem saying kidush they don't have a problem saying this is Holy this is good we can incorporate this we can use this we can make this part of our lives that they know how to do but havalah separation to draw boundaries this they're very very very weak in doing let me ask you a question Sandy kofax Sandy kofax I'm setting aside this has nothing to do with Jewish Pride I'm talking about as a baseball player as an athlete Sandy kofax is known as one of the greatest pitchers in the history of baseball any sports Rider if you ask them to list the 10 greatest pitches of all time perennially when a list is made Sandy Kovac will appear in any sports writer's top 10 pitches in history he didn't have a long career because he burnt out his arm but game for Game the no hitters and the perfect games Sandy kofax is right up there as one of the greatest to ever pitch now if you ask somebody and again setting aside Jewish Pride if you ask a baseball fan who's not Jewish what game in his career is Sandy kofax most famous for what are they going to tell you the one he didn't pitch exactly so nobody pitched as good as he pitched or very few ever pitched as good as he pitched the games that he pitched were like nobody else or like very few others what has he remembered for till this day the game he didn't pitch they did a there was a dinner a White House dinner a few years ago back in the Obama days and Obama got up and said a joke which obviously was written for him that's not the point but the point is the president of the United States gets up and says a joke and he says Sandy kovax is here tonight Sandy and I have a lot in common sy's a left-hander and I'm a left-hander Sandy can't pitch on yum Kipper and I can't pitch okay corny joke but the point is the president of the United States has to make a reference to Sandy kofax and what does he note what is the easy joke the go-to reference that everyone's going to get he didn't pitch on y Kipper so you you you want to know where the real strength is where the real power is it's very misleading to look because you know the doing and the giving and the generosity all that that energy is Unleashed and it attracts a lot of attention which is part of why we do it because it does attract attention and and it and it looks so interesting but then if you if you if you stop and you think like in the long run in the long run what am I really going to be remembered for what value what value have I really contributed what statements have I really made overwhelmingly has to do with self-restraint with discipline with limits with withholding with respect now it's hard to judge that because like I was talking about before it's hard to prove a negative it's hard to say you know how many times I bit my tongue and that one time I bit my tongue really saved the relationship because if I would have said what I was about to well it's hard to say that how do you know how do you know and instead what do we normally think I mean I say we because it's human nature that when a relationship fails we we automatically assume it's because of some lack of love there's not enough love we don't there's and and then we go scrambling looking for how to prove our love to inject more love how are we going to do more and and the truth is where relationships really suffer they don't fall apart because of a lack of Love they don't fall apart because people weren't doing it enough for each other I mean we could always improve and do more for each other but that's not what kills it falls apart because of a lack of boundaries a lack of respect you know I was I was speaking to um I'm speaking to a group of what they call um young Jewish single professionals on the Upper East Side that's where I think it was and it was a room full of a 100 young Jewish single professionals and they were all talented and beautiful and smart and with it 100 of them 50 guys 50 girls and they were all crying about the fact there's no one to marry and I got up there and uh at first I think they weren't really too interested in seeing a rabbi with a with a big beard and a long coat but I got their interest I asked them I said hey let me ask you a question um how come good girls like decent girls like quality girls they'll call their friend their male friend crying and saying complaining about this guy they're dating who's no good for them and saying you know why couldn't he be more like you and the guy the nice guy on the other line he's thinking I'm more like me I am me what are you why can't he be more like me or date me how come she goes out with the bad boy and the nice guy he's left standing in the sidelines and uh it's not fair so then I had their attention so I told them like this there's uh there's an expression a Jewish expression cidic expression know what that means if I am I cuz you are you and you are you because I am I then I am not I and you are not you but if I am I because I am I and you are you because you are you then I am I and you are you it's very deep concept what does that mean if I have identity self-concept selfworth value on my own then I'm ready to enter into a relationship but if I don't have those things if I'm looking to figure out who I am and trying to find that in the love validation acceptance of another person in other words I'm I because you are you and you are you what's your role in my life my source of validation so you are you because I am I I'm looking for a sense of self I'm not I you not you we're just using each other and that's the truth but if I am I meaning I have a sense of who I am I know what my principles are I know what my values are I don't compromise them in order they get validation from other people so I'm I you are you we can have an actual genuine interaction so I said these young Jewish single professionals who I realized by the middle of the evening that truthfully they were young Jewish professional singles because they were all going to date endlessly and complain about it and hate it and never get married they were professional singles I told them why does the girl get turned off from the nice guy it's very simple the nice guy looks like a giver he looks like a giver because he does nice things nice means you're doing sweet things and considerate things nice things I said you know what nice is nice is a acronym nice let me see if I get it right neurotic insecure clingy and emotional nice means like this nice means he needs the validation that you have specifically because you're a woman he needs that he needs that and he learned the way to get it you know in his first relationship with a woman with his mother you know what they say adapis mapus as long as he loves his mother he learned the way to get Mommy's love is you be sweet and be Mommy's little boy and everything's good so he brings that into his adult life and he is obligated to be a nice guy he must be a nice guy because he's desperate to get the smile from that woman he's desperate to get that validation he needs he can't he's he's no one without it he tells her that right he's romantic he says things like that like they say in the romance movies and he said I'm nothing without you I'm nothing if you're a 14-year-old girl and you're reading a romance novel that's really cool I'm nothing without you if you're a grown-up woman you're getting that as a text at 3 in the morning I'm nothing without you that's a whoa like get a life this not cool right so the nice guy looks like a giver he's not a giver he's a taker he's not see giving is for fun and for free giving is for fun and for free a gift is I leave it and I walk away I don't even look for a thanks a gift means there's no payment not even appreciation it's not a gift it's barter from the nice guy the Nice Guy's bartering you ever had somebody do something sweet for you and not realize that there was an invisible invoice that came next day in the mail and now you're the dead beat cuz you didn't see the invoice you didn't realize the currency that was you know that you were supposed to validate that so he he's he's not giving he's investing and then when his investment doesn't pay off he gets angry indignant he's so mad at this woman how can I be so nice to you and you don't give hold on a second were you really giving or you weren't giving if you were giving there's no expectation a no but it's it's about decency it's about being a considered human being okay maybe it is let's say she's not let's say she's not a mench why are you indignant why you so hurt why are you so devastated cuz you were looking for that deep validation she's withholding something really important from you or so you think somebody once told me we become addicted to the drug called approval and then we marry our drug dealer I hope that's not true in many marriages but I think it's true in enough marriages that the saying can still be said and most people can relate to it on some level so what he's looking for is that deep validation that's that's that's that's not giving that's a undercover way of taking now from her perspective so from his perspective he's desperate because he needs that validation tell me I'm good tell me I'm okay so he's frustrated he's he's angry from her perspective she's just scared she's just nervous she's scared what is he trying to get from her he's trying to get an identity my dear Lord a human being cannot give you that she senses this he's trying to get something from me that a human being cannot give to another human being a reason to live I can't deliver that to you don't tell me you're nothing without me you can't be nothing without me I don't have that power so I I I was talking to the young Jewish single professionals professional singles and I I said to them imagine tonight you get out of this uh this building where the event was and you're walking home and it's in Manhattan it's in the city you know it's very easy you walk a few blocks and you end up in a neighborhood that you don't know so I said imagine that you walk down a block and um two guys come out of a storefront ahead of you know about a block ahead of you and they turn out of the storefront and then they turn toward you and they're walking toward you and as they get closer you see they're two bodybuilders why midnight are two bodybuilders walking down the because they're at a 24-hour gym there's a 24-hour gym these guys were Pumping Iron now they're walking down the sidewalk with their towels and their drink bottles their squeeze bottles and they're talking about their workout yeah brother that was a great bodybuilders all call each other brother you know yeah brother that was a great workout no brother you had a great workout okay and they're walking down the Boom so I ask the young Jewish single professionals don't answer from here answer from here just be like tell me your instincts these guys are walking towards you is there any reason why you might want to go to the other side of the street not to be the same side of the street when when they pass what what what does your gut say the gut says no there's no there's no threat there's no problem but these are strong guys they could beat you up you beating anyone up there you no brother you had a great workout you had a okay all right now imagine you're walking down that same block and two figures emerge from ahead of you up at the end of the block and then they turn toward you except they're not leaving a 24-hour gym they are leaving um what is known as a 24-hour crack house and they are crackheads and they are 80 lb soaking wet each of them and they are hobbling toward you sort of skiddish and they're jittery and they're walking toward you don't answer from here answer from here or from here what are you going to do or what are you going to feel like doing it at the very least you want to be on the other side of the street hold on a second those guys can bench 400 lb and you're not going anywhere these guys are 80 lb soaking wet what are you running but you know something that our our hearts and our guts know that our minds confus us about just on a on a gut level on a visceral level what we know is that strength is not scary bodybuilders are not scary cuz strength isn't scary um weakness is is is scary the crackheads are scary because I don't know what they are liable to do they could do anything they're desperate they are needy and if they think I have something they need or I might have something they need I don't know what length they'll get to that they'll go to to get that out of me well I told the young Jewish single professionals nice guys I got to tell you something you are with all due respect the dating world's version of the crackhead you're scaring people now you don't think you're scary cuz you're not a bully but your desperation is scary so what's the alternative what is the girl forced to do she has to go out with this bad boy you think she wants him thinks she likes him she's not 14 years old she doesn't want the bad boy you know why she does it because he's also a user but he's pretty upfront about what he's using you for and and and it's not deeper than that and he's not jumping off a bridge if you don't text him back so yeah he's a user but he's not demanding an identity he's not demanding give me a reason to live He's not trying to get out of me something that no human being can give to another human being so she's forced by lack of choices to go out with the bad boy and then of course inevitably when he mistreats her and she feels bad about it she does cry to the nice guy and the nice guy feels like that's an injustice and then everybody is sad and frustrated and heartbroken and thank you very much that's the end of my speech just joking no it's not but it could be for a lot of people it is there's another option there is another option it's not only nice guy and bad boy there there is a third option they're very rare but they exist and the good news is that anyone can choose to be this and this is called the good man I call it the good man who's the good man the good man you know like you're preapproved for a mortgage right the good man is prevalidated how is he prevalidated the good man knows no human being has to give me a right to exist no human being can give me a right to exist my maker has given me all the validation I need I'm God's child in all my imperfection but I am his child his handiwork and I know exactly who I am and as the good man goes about his day interacting with other human beings he does so selflessly truly selflessly he doesn't need anything from anyone he doesn't need thank you he doesn't need your attention he doesn't need your validation if he's interacting with you it's genuine he wants to talk to you I got to tell you something everybody is attracted to that I don't I don't just mean romantic attraction I mean everyone wants to be in the presence of somebody who's not trying to get anything who doesn't need anything if he's talking to you or she could be also the good woman that they're just genuinely present and enjoying themselves and everyone wants to be around such a person and I don't know any other way to be such a person other than through a relationship with God I don't know what any other way to break the cycle of being dependent on others for validation I know what people attempt to do they become misanthropes they say that's it I'm sick of people pleasing I'm sick of all these people they're ungrateful I don't want people anymore I hate people I don't need them I don't need them I'll be a recluse I don't need them you see how long that that lasts I mean we're meant to be social animals we're meant to interact with each other and so then he gets back into the interaction with others but again you know it's just too hard to resist he wants that validation especially you know from the opposite sex the women want to or you know the truth is I got to tell you I'm not saying this just to be PC um but we have to be honest about today's culture um people want validation for their sexual identity from both genders I don't mean that in uh again I'm not trying to be PC um Adam and Eve Adam and Eve were the first people to have self-consciousness they ate from the Tree of knowledge and it destroyed their innocence what did it mean before the tree of knowledge they could just be free to be in the moment and then after the tree of knowledge it spoiled that what what what was the knowledge what they became like the editors of Wikipedia what was the knowledge that they got they could win in Trivial Pursuit the knowledge was self- knowledge I don't mean self- knowledge like insight I mean crippling self-consciousness and that's where the first symptom of it was they became ashamed prior to that they were not ashamed of their nakedness it meant nothing they were like a baby running around without a diaper it was not shameful and then they um then they became ashamed of their reproductive organs specifically of the reproductive organs that's what they they made clothing to cover the their nakedness self-consciousness is the blight of humanity ruins everything self-consciousness ego egoo edging God out is what prevents me from being in the moment as God is creating it makes me up here makes me be up here being an observer of what I'm experiencing instead of experiencing it the main play where self-consciousness is Manifest is just like with Adam and Eve sexual identity if someone is in a group photo I want to tell you I want to illustrate to you how severe the curse of the sin of the tree of knowledge is the curse was self-consciousness you want to see how prevalent it is how pervasive it is is you're in a group photo somebody hands you the group photo or they post it on Facebook you're looking at the group photo who's the first person in the photo you're going to look for yourself damn that curse and what are you looking for to make sure you look good what does it mean look good don't be coy with me so it is very very very deep it runs so deeply and that's why everything crazy people do generally is about some frustration of this of this need um you know crazy things people Crime of Passion what's a crime of passion I compromise my values I know this is not what I stand I this is not right and I did it anyway why I wanted someone to validate me usually usually if you trace it validate my sexual identity the dating world is insane because of this Insanity absolute Insanity the most toxic the the the the anger and the the frustration and the Trail and the I told those young Jewish single professionals I told them I said you know we're all having a good time right now but most people they're either going home to cry tonight or they're waking up to cry in the morning I don't know of any other way to get out of that cycle than to be a good man or a good woman who is prevalidated who is emotionally autonomous because I don't need people to tell me I'm okay I don't need people to tell me that I'm lovable that I'm of worth that I have value I don't need people to do that not cuz I'm trying to be spiteful or trying to be better than that because I don't need it now the thing is I like it know it's like I don't need to eat chocolate cake to survive but if I happen to eat chocolate cake I'm going to like it if someone Praises me if they validate me they say Hey you look good in that tie I'm going to like it freedom is I never have to do anything I never have to make a decision in life based on the motivation what's going to give me the highest likelihood to get that comment hey I like how you look in your new tie see praise feels good validation feels good it's all right if it happens it happens but when I base my life when I Engineer my day on how am I going to get those credits those emotional credits in my emotional account now I'm not even living my life now I'm not even me I'm walking around trying to get little pieces of identity from from all of you and of course I end up hating you of course I'm resentful toward you cuz you're withholding my drug you think anyone really likes their drug dealer well they call them all night they call them all the time yeah CU they need to get high so what's the solution a guy one time called me up he told me he'd been divorced four times not married four times divorced four times cuz you could be married four times and divorced three times he was divorced four times and I don't know who he was I don't know his name I don't know where he was calling from but he uh he told me his whole story I listened I listened he went on for about an hour he listened to his whole story and then he tells me so what do you think and um oh oh and he he had concluded when he told me his story he concluded he says he was married four times he divorced four times and he's he's decided that there's a problem with women and why he he said there's a logical conclusion that he came to because all four times he was married and divorced it was with a woman so therefore there's a problem with women I pointed out to him all four times he was married and divorced he was the husband but he didn't appreciate that so he says what do you think what do you think it is what do you think it's about I said honestly you really want to know I mean I don't want to be hurtful but I I'll tell you what I what I think he says yeah tell me what you think I said I listen to your story and um I really think the recurring pattern really the the story told four times is you just really really needy from people and that was your undoing um and I tried to be compassionate about it I wasn't blaming him for I was just saying that's how I see it and and he got really really upset and he says well what am I supposed to I should go remember him saying what do you want me to go live in the mountains in a cabin like the unibomber and it was so absurd and I remember said what where where where are we getting where's unibomber coming in here where you even getting that from I said you shouldn't be so needy from people oh okay so I should go live in the mountains and I'm going to eat tree bark I where are you getting this I just said don't be needy from people yeah okay so you told me to go be a Hermit and I said you know what I get that you think that you are saying back to me what I'm saying to you but I'm not getting the connection so how about we do this this will help us help me to follow the logic I'm going to Let's do an if then statement then I'll see the cause and effect I'll see the the The Logical link so I'll give you the if and then you give me the then okay but don't but but you're not allowed to say unibomber you can't say live in eat tree bark live in be a Hermit you okay say something other than that all right if I meaning you this guy I'm talking to if I will stop being so needy of people then he says to me then why the hell would I be around them I said ah ah okay now I got it now I got it so he he he was a nice guy he was that's that's such such torture because you think you're doing the right thing you think you know the the sense of betrayal and victimhood you have when you honestly believe that you are good and sweet and considerate and then people mistreat you and take advantage of that just so what's the solution solution is not to be a Hermit and live in the in the forest live in the mountains but nobody well very few people actually that I'll tell you what people do which is like the more socially acceptable version of going and living in the mountains being a Hermit people say that's it I'm tired of being a people pleaser it is toxic for me to do favors for people I have to engage in self-care I'm sorry no I cannot go to my mother's 80th birthday party that's my time to go to the gym that's me time time I'm engaging in self-care okay I don't think by the way my although I I chose I was particular to choose an example that I've not heard the exact word said to me because I don't want to betray anyone's confidence even a stranger's confidence that scenario is not outlandish compared to things I've heard people say thousands of times right okay and what is the thinking of the person who says you know I'm a I'm a people pleaser and it's toxic for me to say yes to everyone I have to say no I have to have my boundaries I have to engage in self-care what is the what is the error that they're making the error they're making is see they think the problem was giving oh I realized the problem is the giving the giving is problematic cuz every time I got burnt I was giving well that's true that is that's and on a superficial level that's correct and if I were shooting it with a camera if I could just look at the actions the behaviors you know that's what it looks like you were giving and then you got burnt I got I got that but let's go a little deeper you know let's look at what we can't see with our eyes let's look at what we can only feel with our hearts and then know to be true every time you got burnt you know I I I had a grandfather Oliva Shalom who was a very very scrupulous businessman a very scrupulous businessman like beyond what was required and he used to say you cannot con an honest man the only one who gets conned is someone who's looking for a quick Buck okay maybe they weren't looking to do something terribly egregious but they always knew it was some type of easy money and that's how they got the script flipped on them so you look every time I got burnt being the nice guy I was giving okay yeah but was I giving altruistically for fun and for free we all know what it means to sin without getting caught this is doing a Mitzvah without getting caught doing something nice and then getting the heck out of there before or anyone can acknowledge you for it and covering your tracks where did I get burnt over and over again it wasn't from the giving it was from the getting that's what the burn was of the getting burnt it was the let down the Betrayal the disappointment or like they say you know expectations are premeditated resentments I will was looking to get something now it's neither here nor there let's not stand on on on principle and say well that wasn't nice to them that wasn't you know what happened to decency what happened to common courtesy all that can be true that's all true but I'm asking right now why was it devastating for you why did you feel particularly betrayed by it and the reason is if I'm honest I was trying to get that I was trying to get something and it wasn't just something it wasn't something little it was something really important it was tell me I'm okay take take away some of my intrinsic shame take away just a little bit of my intrinsic shame for a moment tell me I'm okay tell me I'm good tell me I'm lovable tell me I have value and and I and I invested in getting that from you and you took what I offered and then you didn't give me that you're a terrible person that's what was toxic so the recovery from the people pleasing cycle is not to become the jerk who says I'm sorry no I can't do it I'm not going to do it I'm not you know that's I have to have to take care of myself that's not the way to recover from that it wasn't giving that was toxic it was giving in order to get that was toxic the recovery from that dysfunctional state is learning how to give totally altruistically and again I don't know any other way to do that there might be other ways I don't know any other way to do that than to have a personal relationship with God and by that what I mean is my father takes care of me all the time he gives me everything I need if I don't have it right now that's the best pro proof it's not something I need at least for right now nobody can give me anything that I need I'm prevalidated and I'm taken care of I'm taken care of now what happens I'm free to interact with people cuz I want to or even even better I'm free to interact with people because I believe I might have something genuinely worthy to offer that I don't need to be appreciated for I do it because my maker gave me a mission gave me a purpose part of that purpose is giving the world my gift and now all my interactions with people seem to just go a little bit more smoothly all my relationships just are a little bit more less drama more stable and where do I get that stability I get it from my relationship with God I don't need anything from people I don't need validation I don't need to be taken care of I've got it I'm good you know what it means to say I'm good I'm good means you know I'm taken care of it also means I'm good like something that has is of of good quality so it means both I'm good I'm good I'm good there was a book in the 70s right I'm okay you're okay MH right okay it's the same idea I'm good now I'm just going to show up and I'm going to see what types of situations my God puts me into and where I have an opportunity to be of service to be useful and uh you know at the end of the day I check in with him that's the only one I'm accountable to and I'm good I wake up in the morning I report for Duty sir ready to do another one of these days and I'm good already yeah I woke up I'm I'm good already I'm all I'm I'm good so I just want to go back to the make sure that this is all clear and then I'll put a cap on it wrap it up for you what this Happ has to do with the giving the doing you know the love and the the the withholding or the not doing the respect like I said just want to make sure this is clear like I said the relationship that has respect without love will will be okay the relationship that has love and no respect doesn't even really have love doesn't have respect or love okay by the way I was one time I was talking about this I said I made that same statement which is I know it's a categorical statement and I've been told never absolutely ever make categorical statements that was just a joke by the way that's like I told you a million times to stop exaggerating okay never make categorical statements so it is a categorical statement that any relationship where there is a lack of respect so it's not only lacking respect it's also lacking love so I mentioned this once at a talk a guy in the middle of the talk he says Rabbi I must disagree with you I said why must you disagree he says know because it sounded like he was like morally obligated to disagree not I want to disagree I must disagree okay why he says because I could think of a relationship where it's all love and there's no respect I said which one is it he said with your children I said how old are your children he says I I have a son he's five I said okay your 5-year-old son you come home from work and your 5-year-old son's sitting on the floor and he is playing Legos and you see him there and he's looking adorable and you bend down to scoop him up to cuddle him put him in a hug and he squirms clearly he he he doesn't want to be picked up don't don't think don't tell me what I want to hear just answer me just put yourself in the moment and just tell me what do you do and the guy smiles and he says I hug him anyway I said okay thank you you proved my point you just proved my point you hug him anyway he didn't want the hug so who's the hug for is it for him was for you it's clearly not for him he didn't want it it's for you now you went ahead and and did it anyway when he didn't want it so that's a violation of a boundary what boundary even a small child gets to choose when to receive physical affection okay that that's that's an inherent boundary that a child has now I don't believe like some people I think it's insane they let children like set their own bedtime that's that's that's preposterous a parent sets the Bedtime or you let a child run into the street that's preposterous you set the limits but something like an inherent autonomy that every human being has like I don't want to be cuddled I don't want to receive physical affection right now so doing it when he doesn't want it is a violation of a boundary that's a lack of respect and therefore what do we see with that love that love wasn't love cuz you weren't loving you weren't really giving to him you were taking from him you were taking a hug from that child that was taking that wasn't love so when there's no respect not only is there no respect there's also not love so I want to make clear what this has to do with the nice guy and the the expectations of premeditated resentments and the the the the people pleasing and then the the opposite of the people pleasing it's very very very simple AA the word in the Holy tongue in Hebrew that means love AA means give have means to give giving I mentioned earlier by definition is something that is seen something that is observed something that is external and therefore potentially noticed by others when I am desperate for others to notice me I see what I do I go into overdoing mode I start gushing this Miss I would call it it's not it's not love but it's this this sort of warped version of love and it's this desperate call to say look at me look at me when I'm feeling prevalidated when I'm at peace with myself when I feel that Hashem that God my maker has removed my shame and I don't need any human being to tell me I'm okay that's when I'm comfortable being still that's what I'm comfortable not doing that's when I am confident in my principles and in my values and in my own boundaries the things I'm not going to do and I'm just going to sit here and no one will even know what I'm not doing while I'm sitting here not doing anything so the beetle said all you need is love and in the' 60s the hippies said you know love is the answer and free love and then the hippies became they wrote the childing the child parenting books and the you know self-esteem and everything and I want to tell you something the uh it was a it was a hindsight is 2020 but they killed a generation they killed a generation self-esteem you know what self-esteem is self-esteem is self- Lov I love myself I'll do stuff for myself I'll always say yes to myself cut it what about what about self-respect will you say no to yourself do you have boundaries do you have standards you have things that you won't do so they sold us on self-esteem which is self-love saying yes to yourself I'm saying yes to myself I'm saying yes to you and you know the hippie boy ask the hippie girl do you love me she says I love everybody and we lost the self-respect we can't say no to ourselves and we can't say no to others God forbid you say no to somebody else they might not like you and then who would you be if this person wouldn't like you so this is the bottom line you are good you're perfect not cuz I'm telling you that you are I'm just telling you the truth nobody needs to give you permission to exist nobody needs to take away your shame you have inherent worth you don't have to do stuff for people you don't have to prove your value to anybody you don't have to spin your wheels trying to emit so much energy that maybe people will look at you and tell you it's all right you're allowed to stick around here for now you don't have to do any of that you can be still you can be quiet you can take your time and make decisions about your behaviors that are in keeping with your values and your principles and it's between nobody but you and God and when you do that when we all do that you know the wonderful thing it becomes ironically it becomes so much more pleasant for other people to be around us so I wish us all good steady solid deep meaningful relationships with our maker and uh consequently with with each other as well sound good hey did the algorithm do a good job bringing you to this channel check out these two videos like this video comment on this video subscribe to this Channel all of that's going to help the algorithm to help you to enjoy your YouTube experience more