Why Good Couples Fail | The Hypno Couple - Meir & Chavy Explain

a couple reaches out to both of you, you would take the wife and he would take the husband. If a person would date someone, they would rather pick the unhealthy person than the healthy person. Why? Because it's familiar to them. It's a safe zone. Everything you're seeing outside, if you don't like what you're seeing, you have to change it within. Even in partners, when a person didn't work on himself, he would attract a partner that would treat him the way he's treating himself. They're seeing it through their pain. That's usually what's happening. Is that you have two They're not bad. They're just like two little children fighting with each other. If you accept your role as a man, a man is a supporter, uh is the foundation of the home. So, it's culture, pressure, fitting in a box. Do I check off the lists what my mother wants me to do? Now, what would you say to a couple who was living together for fear, for comfort, for social pressure? Okay. Today, uh we have an interesting duo. A couple who are both professionals in uh marriage and personal growth, communication, hypnosis. Um we will get a perspective from both, um uh male and female. Maya and Xavi Greenfield, welcome to the struggle. Thank you so much for coming in, both of you. >> having us. Yes, thank you for having us. >> Thank you. Thank you. So, before we get into everything else, um I want to ask you something personal, you know? So, how do you guys handle conflicts? So, if let's say something comes up, you have this uh because you both know what to do, so your communication is different than a regular communication. I wouldn't say it's different. I would say it's uh uh it's a proper communication. Meaning to say, if I do something that's inappropriate or that's that wasn't okay. Right. So, it's okay if I didn't if I didn't if I need to be called out and I know how to take responsibility for it. >> Mhm. You have no ego. I have an ego, but I got to I got to know what to do with it. I got to tell my ego to you know, they always say you can tell your ego to be quiet. I I don't need you right now. I want to be in the present moment. I don't need you to bother me. >> Very good. Very good. Excellent. >> listens. Yeah, usually the ego listens. In both of your opinions, um what do you think that young couples enter marriage? Do they know who they are? Do they know themselves? No. I would say that uh that is the that's the beginning of the problem. Is that first of all, people don't understand what marriage really is. Okay. You know, it's about two people becoming one. Mhm. And two people people can't become one if they're not one within themselves. You first have to know yourself, understand, you know, you had a journey till you came to the chuppah, you had a journey. And what did that journey teach you? Like, what did that what what got created from you in that journey? And when you can understand yourself and really see certain patterns that you're still working through or certain lenses you're still operating from. Um and seeing how that will affect a marriage and if you don't understand what it requires to be able to step in fully into a marriage, those things will come up and will just create a lot of chaos in the marriage. Right. So, what you're saying is that usually young people come into the marriage with what you said before, with their upbringing >> Yes, their baggage. and they are stuck there. They're like, it's got to be this way. My mother did it this way and this is the way I want it. You can't become one if you're not coming in with an open mind understanding that you may see something that you've never seen before. Exactly. And understanding what it what it means to create a marriage. What it means to build together with another person. What does that look like? And especially if they've never seen it. Let's say if they just saw in their house two people their parents that were just not knowing how to resolve conflict properly. They weren't allowed to say certain things and everything was like taboo. You can't talk about this and you can't talk about that. So they they have no knowledge of really understanding what it means to step in to a marriage where you can have authenticity, where you can look at yourself, own parts of yourself that are still need healing. And um I think it's a very very I feel like I feel like in the world right now, that's what's really happening is that the relationships, that's where the marriages are really it's really falling apart and we see it, you know, we see it time and time again. And I feel this world is everything like quick. Like, can I get what I need? Can I not get what I need? Then I'm out. And that's that's not we're we're not doing it properly. >> So what is really the solution because you're you're bringing out a beautiful point and it's important and this is the foundation of marriage before we get into what marriage is all about, but this is the foundation. Um you offer do you guys offer like a certain for young people to like like premarital classes or something so they can know to open up their mind to this idea that you're not coming in with what you saw or the bocher is not coming in with what he saw in the yeshiva. >> Right. So I think where it starts is identity. It's the baseline. Who are you? What do you want to create? You know, you can't shoot a target you can't see. Right. So, you first have to understand what it what do you want? What do you want from life? What do you think marriage is going to give you? We have to get to an understanding so that then we can see how they view it, what they look at, how they look at it, and we can work from there to help them you know, understand what what is it really? Where are you missing all the parts? Where can we fill in all the missing links? >> Right. Right. >> so it's it's first to have the cognitive understanding of what's where are you? Where are you in in all of this? And what do you think the the basics that Bukhari is getting is getting married? What does he have in mind? He wants to build a family. He knows what his parents told him, you know, he's young. He comes and he says I want a partner and I want to build a family. Is that enough or you want something more than that? So, there is first of all there's that part that a Bukhari doesn't always know what's happening. He only knows what he sees, sometimes he doesn't even understand what it means. He just his perception of whatever he saw. >> Right. And even furthermore, there's a lot of uh even somebody goes to a husband teacher and he explains to them what a woman is and what what is the what is a lot of a lot of unknowns for a Bukhari to understand. There's a lot of information being given. What the information is saying that you should know that a woman has emotion, you should know to apologize, you should know to how to treat certain things that maybe a Bukhari didn't know, you know, in his yeshiva he was used to a friend he was able to do whatever he wants. In a woman you have to be more sensitive. There's a lot of information which is just information. Right. >> But, there's a missing part here that the information you're learning, what happens if it triggers you? What happened if the information you got and you maybe try or you didn't try and all of a sudden you getting triggered from it. Yeah. For example, if you trying to be a very nice person, you really try, but somehow she didn't feel it. And something triggered inside of her and she's really really upset. Right. To the extent that you don't understand. What am I doing? Right. But so if it triggers you in a way that you feel like what did I do wrong? So I'm not good enough. Or it triggers any weaknesses inside of you that tells you that you're not doing good. So you if you reacting from that place, then everything that taught you is not going to work for you because now you're triggered. Now you're upset. Now in a place that you want to be there for the other person you stuck because you what about me? And that's the place where what we want to work with the most. With that place that the emotional maturity to understand what you what is happening to you. What is your power in the relationship? And you're not going to know what your power is unless you know your weaknesses. Unless you know what is there that you can do in this situation Right. to show up. You can show up for yourself. You have to show up for the other person. So that's the place where where the it's not just about the information, it's about understanding what is what how do you run your life? Right. Now, this is this is you work with you would work with him separate and you would work with with with her separate or together? We we work separately. We work separately. >> separately. You you you have male clients and you work with the with women? >> female But is it couples or is it it could be just general? >> Both. Both. So sometimes if a couple comes to you guys reaches out to both of you you would take the wife and he would take the husband and he communicates with you and then you communicate with and then there is a time when they come together or it's like two personal people working on themselves and coming together by themselves. Completely two different people. Working separately. If someone would go to therapy by themselves. >> Yes. Yes. Like in in according to the clients your guys are not supposed to talk because it's it's it's a So usually it's about really helping the person himself to be able to understand where he's lacking in the relationship and where he can fill in like I was saying. Like think about it. If we're it's like if you have a chessboard and if everybody moves the chess in a different direction that's actually going to benefit the marriage there's going to be a whole different marriage. Right. And unfortunately a lot of therapists today's days what's the struggle that I'm hearing is that when you go to therapy it's it's almost like a blame game. Like he did that, she did that and it very quickly can escalate and it it it it doesn't serve the couple. Right. You talking about couples therapy or you talking about even personal? >> I'm talking about couples. >> a couples therapy they start pointing fingers at each other and sometimes it becomes worse than it Exactly. Exactly. >> So when we can understand what is it we want to create. Coming back to our true self, our identity, our baseline. What do I want? What did I see in my life that didn't serve me? What was the marriage that was shown to me that I'm just repeating and it doesn't serve me. That's not what I want. >> Right. So what do I want? And getting in touch and how would that look? How would that look differently? And really helping the person in the cognitive stage to to start opening up what it is they want, where where they're are where they have fears, where they have certain triggers that keep on coming back over and over again. And that's where hypnotherapy comes in because the beauty of hypnotherapy is that we work with 95% which of the subconscious mind cuz that's where all this that's where all of everything is stored in there. We only operate 5% in our conscious. So we humans, we are we like what what what we're used to. It's our homeostasis. What we're used to >> Right. is is where we go back to even if it didn't serve us. So it's to help them. Help them understand what doesn't serve them, what didn't serve them, and help them find their true self and what it is they want to create and work with them so that they can bring they can move the chess pieces in a better place and all of a sudden things change. >> Mhm. Now um I want to talk about self-esteem because we know that um this is sometimes the root of all the problems. That if a person has no self-esteem and then tries to do anything and everything without it he's working very hard to go back to what you said about hypnosis. Can you explain a little bit about what hypnosis is as far as building self-esteem? Like if you're talking to the unconscious mind? So basically as she explained the we work with 95% of the subconscious, okay? Cuz only 5% is conscious. So if your subconscious mind whatever absorbed from zero to eight, it's like a sponge, absorbed information. >> Right. And if it absorbed that I'm not good enough I I'm not performing enough because that's what he heard. You know, you you that's how it gets built from zero to eight. It's known association we call it. Everything that's known. And they take it as a fact as if this is really true, even though it's not true. But they take in all the information at that point as true. Whether you like or don't like, whether it serves you or not, it becomes the truth to them. So, if you heard many times, you're still not doing good, you're not doing good enough, or I can see that you are not so good at this or so good at that, it goes in deep and it stays there. And when you grow up and you want to do that same thing that you heard you're not good at, 95% of your brain would say, "No, we not we not we don't do that. I'm not good at that. So, what's the point?" So, 5% of the brain has the motivation, the understanding, and everything, but 95% blocks it out, doesn't let it in. And how it works is basically at 8 years old, you build that part of the brain that's called the critical mind. The critical mind is that that part of the brain that tells you that makes sense, that doesn't make sense. Okay? And whenever you have something in the conscious mind that you want to bring in, that that critical mind is like a filter, it's like a it's like a guard at the door. And he's like, "Let's see if you're on the list. If you're not on the list, we don't take you in." And if any information you want to put in your mind to change, they say, "We don't take you in because I don't recognize it. It's unsafe. It's unfamiliar. It's it's it's scary." So, that's what happens. So, when a person feels, "I I'm not good at this. I'm not good at that. I'm not good at communicating. I'm not good at at at speaking with people. So, I have social anxiety. It's not safe to be around people. I don't know what to say. I don't know how what I'm going to be cornered." So, he wouldn't know what to do with it. And in a marriage, if you lack self-esteem, then the first thing is, "I'm not good enough." Instead of being strong, being the man, you become the child. Right. And in in if we can change new associations and give them new suggestions about their power and about where they want to go and realize where it came from. Where do you learned this which is really not true anymore cuz now as an adult you can see it's not true. And we can identify the pieces and put it into the subconscious mind. When while that door is open, we open the door while in hypnosis that that critical mind goes to sleep. Wow. So we kind of smuggle in information. Right. All of a sudden in the subconscious mind there is new information now. So he's not he's not anymore fighting that 5% because he's working with you because he also agrees to those information because now he has new new ideas. Wow. >> And that's how we install new ideas. So you got 100% of your brain working towards you. Wow. Now how many times is what's the process like to go for hypnosis to work? Is it So I think it's you know, like people think it's like oh some people like someone called me once and was like, oh do I just go to sleep and you do your magic? I was like, no it's it's not magic this. This is you have to work along with me. You talking about when he goes home? Yes. You know it's it's you know you're trying to rewire the person's brain but there's still a lot of work. This is not a magic pill. So we create anchors. We create in hypnosis we create anchors. And those anchors so when you're conscious in your conscious mind and let's say that feeling comes up again as we were talking about, it's not safe, I I I can't talk, I shy away, my feelings don't matter, whatever it is that that self-esteem feels lack. We're able to help the person to connect to it by connecting with that anchor that we put into hypnosis and then they we do certain techniques for them to ground it within and allow that feeling inside their body so that they they can now choose differently. Now, how many how many times does a person need to go and what's the process like that >> So it's usually we say like to start like somebody comes in with a lot of things that they're struggling with. We usually pick on one thing and we need at least a good six sessions to build that in. Right. So we you know, we can't take the whole the whole all the issues at once. We have to focus on one thing and we gauge it. We gauge it. So every time we give it usually like two weeks in between sessions to build it up inside of them and then we do it because the thing with the mind the mind loves repetition. The repeating the repeating that's how the mind learns. So I would say at least six weeks to focus on one thing and then we gauge it to see how they're doing where there's still resistance and we we work on that too. So sometimes it after six weeks we see that this issue is a little bit bigger and we need a little because it has a lot of more more other little details to it. So sometimes we need to do another six sessions but we we've seen incredible results and um even within myself. Like I've done it like I became a believer in it because I did it and I've I've seen what it did to me and that's what made me get go into it. So um it's been really life changing and it's been something that I see so much positive changes in others that I'm like I'm so I'm so like I have such a passion for it because I really feel like the world is suffering. There's a lot of suffering going on in the world and if we can understand we we are here to be co-creators with Hashem. But how can we become co-creators when we have all these limiting beliefs holding us down? And the beautiful thing about this is that we can come back to our true inner self. So it's all to come back to your truth, who you really were before all this all these all these limiting beliefs that was put on to you that was never yours. It was never yours to be. And that's the beautiful circle of the journey of life is to come back to your true essence, your true inner child. And and when you could come back to that truth, you could step in and and be unstoppable in every in every area of your life. Is it marriage? Is it it wanting to build something? Doesn't matter. The the life is is is endless with opportunities. Right. I wanted to come back to a second to what we spoke about before. We were talking about different types of therapy. So as you mentioned before, when sometimes you go to therapy and so I wanted to add that part that when you know she was saying about the blaming so what happens is when blaming comes on and everybody's trying to get their voice across and to saying I have this problem with you and I have this problem with you. What hap- what happens then is that you know a lot of the triggers is I'm not good enough. I'm not doing good. I'm still not doing good. And all these low low we don't have self-esteem. And you feel so what happens is you you keep on being re-triggered. Every time you you have this battle again in the session, you know, even if you get ideas of course you're getting a lot of ideas and you can work but the base is re-triggering that feeling of I'm still not good. I don't feel heard. I don't feel understood. So what we try to do is what we do is to help the person rebuild build themselves instead of hearing what the other person needs to do. I'm going to find you what you can do, what your power is. To find the power that's inside of you, so everybody can work from a different angle, work from what is my power. And to find out that you have so many powers, you you can lead the relationship with you if you don't know what to do. Realize that you have the perfect words and the perfect way to create what you want to create and to get what you want to get. You just need to know how. Right. And by eliminating your limited beliefs and the weaknesses you have, we're giving you the powers. >> The limited beliefs is what we tell ourselves that we're not good. But when we sit in the sometimes in these offices in these places with with marriage counselors, is the insults are flying. You know, you get your the person is insulting the other person and the the blame is flying back and forth. Right. >> How is that helping for self-esteem or That's what That's what he's saying. I mean it's both. It's It's you beating yourself up Right. >> and >> be triggering. And and and and you're hearing it from your partner how unhappy the partner is. Right. So, even if it's not indirect, but indirect, the same you're getting keep on getting the same message again. >> Right. I'm still not good. I'm still not good. I'm I'm not being seen for what I am not being seen for what I am doing. Right. So, all these triggers are keep on coming up and how do you building yourself up? Yeah. How important is it um for a person to to really like themselves so that person could love someone else? So, if a person comes into a marriage and did not heal and has so much broken pieces that still needs fixing Right. by themselves. >> Yeah. And here they come in and you're expecting that person first of all to accept love or to give love. Right. That person is not there yet. So, so Right. How do you How do you start when when when something like that is happening? >> So, I think what's very important to you know, to be able to help the client in the cognitive part to understand that everything is a mirror. Everything in life is a mirror. When you go into a relationship and you don't feel good about yourself, you're going to get that mirror back to you. Right. >> And it's so important to be able to understand how do you view yourself? What are the What are the voices? What are all the voices inside of your head? What is this the the the positive self-talk? What are your negative self-talks? What's happening inside of you and getting in touch with that? Because so many times, you know, you go into a marriage and you have no idea who you are. There's no Right. There's no connection to self. Right. And that's what creates the beginning of all the struggles. It's that they don't understand where they're operating from. So, when we What we do is we help them understand what's happening inside of you. And like you said, to be able to identify that first. So, that usually comes up that when they can look at themselves and say and we ask those questions like, how do you view yourself? What is it How does it look like to have the marriage that you want to have? Do you Are you able to do that for yourself? Cuz it's all a reflection. So, it's really helping them understand and coming back to their true inner self of what they want. And I feel especially in our community, because we grow up in families that have so many children. >> Right. They lose their sense of self. >> Right. It's just like I'm a number. Right. >> So, and and I just have to do what everybody's doing. Everybody's getting married, I got to get married, too. >> Culture pressure. >> Yeah. So, it's culture pressure, fitting in a box. Do I check off of Do I check off the lists what my mother wants me to do or don't I check off the list? It's all about the other. So, it's really building rapport with self. So, what I'm hearing from you is that if a person finds that they have a problem in their marriage before even pointing fingers of start or starting to blame the other person or having a whole list of things that this is not okay and this is okay with evidence, with everything, first they have to look at yourself. You have to take a good look in the mirror or go to somebody and sit down and figure out what is First of all, what is your goal? Where are you going? And what What are you What kind of energy are you giving? And how do you perceive the other person? So, before you don't even know yourself there is no There's no marriage. >> There's no other. >> There's no There's nothing else. First, you have to realize who you are Yeah. and really know who you are and what's triggering you like you said before. What's What Little tiny things can Smell can trigger somebody. They remember something from a long time ago, whatever the case is, but get a good grip of who you are and then if there is you know, there is always You know, it could be complicated because let's say if one person is on an healing journey. A One person is a person who is open and the other person the other spouse says, "You know what? I'm not going. I'm not going for it. I'm You go. You go help yourself." But what you're saying is there is still light by the end of the tunnel because if a person If a person says, "You know what? My spouse does not want to come for help or he's fine but I'm going to go." If you're going, you're fine. That's That's what I'm hearing from you. Is that correct? >> Absolutely. And that's what I feel the power of when we take control of our own life and we say, "What can I do to create what it is I want?" Cuz I have all all power. Right. I have all the power. And when we start moving those pieces, we all of a sudden see things around us is going to change. Nothing stays the same. Right. Because it has to. Once you change, it's going to reflect on the other. That's just how it works. >> Right. And that's the beauty with the more we can understand our power, the more we could connect to our true self before all those limiting beliefs, create a new identity, understand what we want, and build from there. Life is endless. Opportunities are endless. Love is endless. Let me ask you, um, how dangerous is it to, uh, expect from a spouse to make you happy? It's, uh, it's a complete false expectation. Correct. Because if you're not happy within, nobody's going to make you happy. It's impossible. It's not It's just not working. If you don't feel safe within, the other person cannot make you happy. And like we said before, it when you find out what triggers you, what drives you, you actually become the driver. Imagine you drive a car, Right. and it it drives on its own, and you don't feel, I can make a right or I can make a left or I can stop. It looks very scary. So, a marriage could be very scary if a person who does not, what am I doing? It It The car is driving. I can't stop. But if you learn your powers, you learn exactly how to stop, how to start, how to move right, how to move left. That's your power. Nobody can give you that power, only inside of you. And like we said before, you can't love another person if you don't love yourself. You You don't even know how to do it. All you can do is whatever you do for yourself, and you already know how to do it, that's what you can deliver to the other person. Otherwise, you would treat the other person the same way you treat yourself. Whether you avoid or you run or whatever you do, that's that's how you're going to treat the other person. And And it's being reflected. The other person is going to is going to show it to you in the mirror. Like, "Hey, I I I don't feel good." >> So, what you're saying is if you're waiting for another person to make you happy, you'll stay hungry. Absolutely. >> going to come. It's And it's not only because the other person is not going to want to. I'm talking even if the other person wants and tries. >> Yeah, but the dynamic doesn't work. It's It's not going to It's not going to stick. It's not going to stick to you. It's a false belief. >> It's a false expectation. It's a false expectation. >> Yes. Right. It's not going to stick to you. Yeah. It's when two healthy people come together and they're both happy on their own, they can come together as one, like you said before, to bring them as one. Let me ask you, Javi, um what's the biggest thing their wives misunderstand about their husbands? So, I think that wives misunderstand their power of speech. Mhm. I would say the power of speech. Um the power, you know, we were given way more speech than the man. And I think it's important to understand that our words are very, very impactful. And when we can understand that, if we have emotions, which we do, we are emotionally wired, a woman needs emotional connection way more than a guy does. You know, for her to perform in different kind of way, she needs emotional connection. But if she understands that her emotions are like waves, and if she doesn't get a control over how those waves work, and to be able to be conscious with how she speaks, how she expresses herself, she can create a lot of damage in the marriage. And that's a very powerful thing I think that women have to be able to understand that their speech has so much power. They can Even though they need something, and even though they don't like something, there's a way that when they express it from a place of their power, not from a loss of power, Right. but from a place of a power of knowing what it is I want and knowing how to express that, it it just changes the whole game. So, what you're saying is you can use your words in both ways. Either you can shut down and not use it, not have communication when something is bothering you, or it could be very very um feisty. Yes. >> They can express themselves too much and then the other person gets hurt. Is that what you're saying? I think that it's even more than that. They sometimes they don't know how to articulate, let's say a feeling. So, when they could connect, it all starts with connection. When you could connect to yourself and say, "What is it that I need? Okay, I need this and this and this. Okay, my husband didn't give me this and this and this." But what you're saying is without that they would personally attack the spouse. They get it to personal attacks. >> Exactly. >> it just escalates into something another level because it's a disrespect and this is how you really feel and this is what does it mean and you start going into this whole thing. >> Exactly. So, you're saying that women have to be extremely careful with their words. Yeah, their power of speech. Interesting. Meyer, what do you think? Uh one piece of advice you can give husbands about their uh wives. So, the best advice I can is to learn how to how to be a man, to understand what the role of a man is and what does it mean to be a man. So, to accept your role. If you accept your role as a man, a man is a supporter, a is the foundation of the home. A man has a lot more powers in the home as the woman, even though it seems otherwise. But when it the the clue like the woman got the clue like at least she had to say cuz I you know Yeah. >> He's he's leading. Right. >> It's it's it's she needs him. He doesn't need her. In that sense of being the being stronger, powerful. If he knows that role and if he accepts that role, he can only accept it if he get rid of all the shadows that tell him you're nothing and understanding and accepting that role with love and understanding this is my power. I got so much power. I I can I can say anything and everything. I know how, I know when, I know when to be quiet. And that power reflects all over the relationship. It It creates >> So you're saying that the wife would appreciate that he takes on this role? Absolutely. They They need it. They need it for their survival. They need that strong. Otherwise, they become strong. Right. >> And when they become strong, this is usually the dance. They change role because if they don't feel safe, they change role. They become masculine. You see it in financial, you see it in in leading the kids, you see it in in the relationship, how they treat each other. >> Right. If he accepts that role and he exercises that role, the more he does it and it's It could be a challenge and a process, but this is where a person has to know this is my goal. This is where I'm I'm going to. I'm I'm creating that strong part of me, that man part of part of me and I'm building it and slowly slowly if the roles were shift, they shift back. The more he's taking on that responsibility, the more he knows how to be strong. He can become uh weak in a time of support just because he got offended right now. Right. You know, then then then he can't be there for her because he just became uh wounded. So he has to know his powers and keep keep Even if he needs something, keep it for the right time, for the right moment. And that's what a powerful man does. He knows exactly what and when to do. And even if he didn't do it the right way, he knows how to get it back. Right. And that's what you're trying to do, help people and with hypnosis and other types of coaching or whatever you're trying to get give them some clarity to know his position. Exactly. >> he is. Yes, so you're saying that there's two parts in the in the session. There's the the cognitive part before and there's the hypnosis because what we are trying to create is first of all the the the person should know, where do I want to go, right? Right. You want to know your target. What are you aiming for? Because if you don't know that, then you're completely lost. So you first want to get a base, this is where I'm heading to, some kind of a plan. And then we make sure that the 95% is not in your way, it's helping you. Right. But if a person doesn't doesn't do he thinks it's like a magic and he doesn't do the 5% then then nothing is going to move. Right. So it's it's a it's a combination of both. Yeah. Let's talk about divorce. Is there ever a time to quit the marriage? Yes. I do think that there there is a time if somebody is abusive. >> Right. You know, if there's if there's real toxicity, you know what I mean to say. I I do believe. But I do think that it is definitely um people are taking the going out way too soon. They because they don't have clarity what what they came here to create. >> Right. We came here to create a Migdash Ma'at, a place for Hashem. I mean, literally, it's two people coming from different complete different worlds and creating oneness with each other. Right. It's it's it's a miraculous gift that we're able to create this in this world. And I think unfortunately people don't understand first of all what they came to create. Right. So it starts there. Right. If you don't understand what you're creating, you're like, and When gets hard, I'm out of here. Right. So, what you're saying is very profound. The foundation of Yiddishkeit is that we have our uh the foundation is to connect to Hashem. Le doveka boy, that's what it is. If someone ask you, "What is Yiddishkeit all about?" There's one goal and one goal only. Not buy houses and not have a good time and not go on vac- It's all good. It's all nice. But the le doveka boy is the yesod. Yeah. And to connect to Hashem. Going in with that idea that you have to connect that that this is your goal. Now, this changes the entire perspective. >> Absolutely. You become you you become a giver instead of a taker. Because most people when they go in, they say, "What is this in it for me?" >> And what you're saying is first know the foundation of what this is all about. >> Exactly. And and this is a tremendous gift because the clarity of this a lot of problems fall away when you know this. Absolutely. >> And and and you you you have the eye on the ball Yeah. and you stick to that. Now, you're coming in and saying, "Okay, now I want to work on myself, also. Let's see if we can make if we can become one." How do I get there? Yeah. How do I get there? >> Yeah. That's what it is. And and I think that is that's what we're trying to help bachurim and girls to understand. >> Right. That this is just not like um you know, I I I want a partner. You know, I want a companion. I want a house. And I want to be my own person. And I want to have a good time. And it's all good. There's nothing wrong with that. But really, what's behind it? Because if you don't have that goal and and it's all about me me me and I want to take then you're a hungry ghost. That's it. That's it. And that's what there's that's what our souls came here to do. Yeah. And that's that's the gift that we should take this opportunity and and and and choose to be awake. Right. Choose to be awake here in this in this 3D reality. What are we here to create? >> Right. It's amazing stuff. Now, according to what you're saying, what we're discussing over here, it is not possible for a spouse to make you miserable. No. >> If you are miserable, you have to take responsibility for yourself. Exactly. They can make it hard for you, and that's okay to acknowledge. I I can acknowledge that I have an emotion coming up. I can acknowledge that I feel a certain feeling. I feel not good on how I'm being treated. And sometimes even I can feel it's not fair, but I can always come back to me and understand what is it that really happened. What What does it tell me? Right. >> You know, because nobody nobody can tell me you know, this if somebody laughs about me having a blue hat and I don't have a blue hat. Yeah. >> Nothing is going to happen. I don't have it. If somebody tells me you're not good, you're not doing it well. I I asked you so many times and you're not doing it then and I can't believe it. If I take it at the message as I failed, that's me telling it to myself. But if I know I didn't fail, if I know that even if I missed an opportunity, I can fix it. I'm okay. I'm good. Right. Then nothing happens. It's basically what what How do I take what comes up against me? >> Right. I wanted to add to what you were saying about divorce, you know. When even though there's a time to get divorced, like you were saying how you were saying that when there's significant abuse and and and mistreating in a very horrible way. But, if you start working before, you know, when a person waits for that and and you know, sometimes it could happen that a man or woman would be so miserable that they they change. They become monsters because it's they they feel so horrible about themselves and about everything and they they just You almost can't recognize them. Exactly. So, I feel I think that's why I think it starts earlier. If you don't wait that long. People wait for that long and then they point the finger and say, "See, He's a monster. You see how crazy he or she is?" If you could wait before, when everything was still calm, when you see things are happening, start there. Start there. And And not only that, if that person start changing, start changing. It brings calmness if For example, I'm going to talk from a man's man's point of view. If he brings in calmness to the home, change. It's going to be a challenge because no nobody's going to believe him. Oh, what is this? So, it's going to be It's going to be a challenge and he's going to be challenged. Now we say I all this for him to say when when he wants to change, the outside comes more and usually gets challenged. Someone wants to see, "Do you really mean it?" And you're going to be challenged. The person will sometimes thinks like, "I don't understand. I'm trying to be good. Why challenge? Why are you making it harder on me?" But, that's the part of the thing. You want to grow. I'm going to have to challenge you to see if you're serious about it. Because you can only grow if you're serious. If the first challenge come and you bounce, you're not serious. So, you have to really take it with all seriousness in the relationship. And you being challenged and you stay, it's like that's that's that means moving a chessboard. You never know what whichever stage in the relationship is, you can always You never know unless you try. People think I'm giving up. It's not going to happen. But, you never know unless you try to move those pieces with the all seriousness and full commitment. And you'll be surprised what can become your way. You'll be really shocked and surprised how the other person starts feeling calm, relaxed. All of a sudden they're nice to you. Yeah. So, in your experience with couples that you are talking in private and together, do you find that most people are good people? Most people want shalom, want peace. It's just that we don't see it, you know? But you would say that that that there are people who just Some people like machlokes, they want to fight and they're bad, evil people. Or most people is just a communication issue. I think a lot of people come in with their broken inner child. Mhm. So, they're seeing it through their pain. And that's usually what's happening is that you have two They're not bad, they're just like two little children fighting with each other. Mhm. So, and when usually that happens, there's no There's no self at present. There's nobody present. It's two little kids just fighting with each other. >> So, I think everybody's good. Everybody's good. Nobody Nobody means to be bad or But when you have two little children, yeah, then you need a dad but they come tell you the guy in the corner and the guy in the corner. >> Right. It's like, you know, that's what's happening. Yeah. Now, what would you say to a couple who was living together for fear, for comfort, for social pressure? What would you say to a person like that? You mean if they are living together for a long time and they're not doing anything about it? >> Yeah. I would say you're missing out on an opportunity. You're totally missing out. You never know how great your life could be. >> I know. You're not You're just not You're just not using the opportunity that Hashem gave you. You use You You're making out of it as a survival mode. Like You're surviving it. >> Yeah. You're robbing yourself from a good life. >> Exactly. You're making the best out of the situation, but you're robbing yourself of the life. If you try to go up those steps and and and use your powers, you'll be surprised you're going to get whatever whatever you're going to put into the marriage is going to it's like a it's like a stock it's going to double and triple to you. The good news is this this is a stock that never crashes. Whatever you put in comes back at you with with a lot of dividends. How does a lovely marriage look for a person who says you know what maybe I want to I'm going to start looking into this. Let me let me see let me think it let me maybe analyze myself or go for help. Give him a picture of what a lovely marriage can look like. So the first thing is it's it's very peaceful. Extremely peaceful. You feel safe. Because you feel comfort. You feel that whatever is going to happen I'll figure it out. You have that that that very relaxed place. Even though today it's a little bit chaotic something happened you know there's always chaotic situation a busy day of Shabbos a busy Hassanah season money stresses it always these stresses. Yeah. And then those stresses could create you know a harsh word something that could create but you always know whatever happens I already know my way you figured it out. And that safety that calmness that relaxation that it's not a house anymore. It's a home. Right. That's priceless. Now is and also that that person could share and and be comfortable and feel you know they you can you can be open you can be yourself you don't have to walk around with a mask. Absolutely. Absolutely that that alone is is priceless. That that Maniggas and Ephesus exactly. >> And this could be accomplished. People live like that. Absolutely. Absolutely. Living with the with the with the mask is is a it's like we say like a little child when he has to hold a secret Yeah. it's the most painful and hard thing for him. Why? Because he's that secret is is a weight on his shoulders a weight tons and you get you exhausted. It really complicates your life. When a person, even an adult, when you live with this mask and the untruth, every one of them weighs on you. And it's it just makes your life hard horrible. Every day it's so hard. You're punishing yourself by by not by not doing something what you're supposed to do, by not digging in. Could hurt. Could be excruciating at points. Yeah. But if you're not going to do this, you're missing out on on on a gift that is out there. Yes, and which brings me to a point that what's homeostasis? That's we always want to be the same. And that's a part of a sham creation in the world. It's it's a powerful thing. We don't we don't have to think about our blood pressure or about our heart heartbeat or about how to breathe. It goes automatically. There's a lot of things even when you stumble on a piece of wood. We don't have to think, do I want to fall or do I not want to fall? It's an automatic reaction. That's the power of the subconscious mind that our sham created. It's a lot of things are automatic. You don't have to think. And this is the tricky part. When somebody gets you angry, you don't take a moment to think, should I get angry? Should I not get Oh, you know what? I should. You don't do that. Otherwise, you would it would be different. It's automatic. You get angry. You you go to the worst scenario when you get scared or anything like that. That's homeostasis. It makes you to stay the same. So, people tend to go to those places because it's a safe zone. It's safe. Yeah. And it's even more if a person would date someone, they would rather pick the unhealthy person than the healthy person. Why? Because it's familiar to them. It's a safe zone. Like somebody would go sleep in a bed that's that he is he knows even if it's not so comfortable, rather than going to a new bed or different bed. It's unknown. And that's what people keep on doing. They they stay in the safe zone. That's why they don't want to take these opportunities because it's a real phenomenon. It's something real. Everything new feels unsafe, unfamiliar. It's scary sometimes. >> Right. And that's what keeps people stay small, stay safe. But really and and this is what we try to do. Get the person wake people up and get them to feel safe within themselves. >> And and slowly bring them up to feel safe with this change and that change and see the beauty of it. Right. And and and go more and go more. Don't don't stop. You have you can say why stay the same and small if you can grow bigger. Wow. Amazing stuff. What is love? Can you define the word love? Yeah. I would say love is unconditional. Mhm. Love is unconditional. There's no conditions. I don't love you because you did this or because you didn't do this. I love you because I love you. Because of you. And how do you develop that in a marriage? By developing yourself. By you loving yourself. >> Yes. You become a lover to the world. You love Hashem. Yes. You love people. >> Love your spouse. >> Your spouse and And even your the imperfections in your spouse, you're able to see that's not who they really are. You can see that that's just an effect because of something that they experienced and you're able to connect to their essence. That's love. Love is oneness. Love is Love is just being oneness with another human being. Right. Now love is unconditional love is to children as well. Absolutely. Because people love their children. Absolutely. >> What about those people who don't show love to the children? I mean the nature is to have unconditional love. So I think usually it comes from the way they were treated. It's it's unfortunately you see a lot of generational trauma. Yeah. How does How does this generational trauma begin? It's You know, I think a lot of it is stemming from the war. Yeah. You know. >> But what you're saying is that if someone does not love their children, that is a clear sign that he doesn't love himself, period. >> Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. >> it? It's not that Hashem didn't create it that you don't love your children. >> No. >> The love is there. The love is there. >> love is there. >> Yeah. You just didn't develop it within you. >> within yourself. So again, we're coming back to the same thing. The foundation is it's all about the self. It has zero to do with the spouse. Absolutely. >> Zero to do with another person. This is This is including uh family and friends. And >> Everybody. Is this true in business also? That if a person finds himself in business to see, you know, in relationships, yeah, if he has fallouts with this person and that person, it's a focus uh it is the focus always has to come back to you. >> usually always reflected. This is how this world works. Everything you're seeing outside, if you don't like what you're seeing, you have to change it within. Right. So it's it's very refreshing because this is something that you can control. Yes. >> Another person, you can't. >> That's it. >> So let's say, give me any challenge. If I will turn inside, then I will get out of it alive. Yes. >> But as long as your eyes are looking outside, you're trying to change the environment, you're trying to change the people, you will not succeed. No. It brings you back back to what I said before. Even in partners, when a person is not is not didn't work on himself, he would attract the partner that would treat him the way he's treating himself. Right. And this is where people don't realize. You If you are the way you're treating yourself, that's what you're going to attract. And you can attract differently. You can see in many businesses, some people have different clients than the other one. Some people would have clients that always trouble them, not pay or whatever. >> Yeah, yeah. And the other people have no problem. Right. They don't even have to do anything about it. It's how they feel inside. If they feel worthy to get paid, they usually get paid. No The other person doesn't even get this energy and the audacity not to pay you. Right. And that's usually a very interesting thing. Yeah. And um >> comes from from inner from from an inner vibe that you give out. That you're not accepting anything less than Exactly. It's it it it usually shines through to the others when you communicate with partners in a different way. Everything is different. How important is the emotional connection between a couple so it can trickle into physical? That means if there is no emotional connection, if a person is just not working on themselves and only uh you know, trying to be a taker, how is that affecting the the physical attraction between them or the intimacy? So, I think it it definitely would affect them very greatly. Cuz that's the beauty. The beauty of marriage, you know, people that are just with each other just to to have a good time, it falls apart very quickly. It's not There's no foundation. There's no nothing. >> That's lost. You would call that lost? >> that's absolutely lost and that you know, that comes from a void. It comes from a void. Usually somebody doing that is filling something that is broken inside of him and is trying to get it. And that's being a taker. And when you're coming from the energy of being a taker, it you don't get fulfilled. There's no fulfilledness over there. It's empty. It it it and and then you just keep on getting more and more hungry cuz there's a void that you're trying to fill. >> And also you're not getting it back from the spouse. Exactly. >> It's is just a is just not working. The dynamic is not working. So, what you're saying is that first emotional connection is important. And then uh the physical connection comes. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely, it starts definitely with the emotional. What What destroys a marriage the most? I mean, between all the people you spoke to and the experience that you have, where do you see is the biggest uh destruction for a marriage? I think the biggest destruction is when the person is starting to give up. Because when a person is starting to give up, that's when he loses the the whatever energy they have until now, whatever investment he had until now. >> Whatever hope. Whatever hope he had, as soon as he starts having those feelings, "Oh my god, this is not working. I got to do something about it. I'm thinking of leaving. I'm think Even if he is is in his mind, even if in his mind for people have it in his mind all their life or their years. But that shift in your mind It's poison. It's It's a poison in your mind that poisons you slowly and you always have that doubt and you're not invested anymore. And as soon as you lose that investment and it works on both sides, that's that's basically whatever happens after that is just you're just growing apart and growing apart and and falling apart. Wow. What do you think what's the most uh destructing So, I think again, understanding what your role is, the responsibility of of understanding what are you here for? What did you came What did you come here to do? Right. I feel like that's where it starts. Really, that's where it starts and I feel like that's why we see so many marriages fall apart so quickly. Like you see people getting married, you never saw a people getting married and then 2 months later they're not married anymore. >> 2 months? And sometimes even less. Sometimes you see people are married like for a couple of weeks and they're not married anymore. Like, how does that make any sense? What did What did you think you coming here to do? Like, just go under the chuppah and wear a gorgeous dress and get a ring and get all the Like, what did you really come here to do? So, it's definitely not understanding the responsibility of of of the role that you came here to be in. Wow. I mean, so education is missing is what you're trying to say. >> it's very big very big part of education. I feel a lot is it it's very much taught in a way, this is what we do. There's no There's no real clarity of why do we do this? What what what What is this? Well, why did I come here to do this? Understanding who you are. Understanding your power. Understanding that you're literally a piece of Hashem. Like, understanding all of this. What do you think between the couples that you saw Are they on an average are they communicating honestly? The couples between each other, are they telling the truth? So, I think when the couples don't feel safe with each other, when they're struggling, that it's impossible to say the truth. They they they just they they just they're not saying the whole truth. They're not saying They just they live as separate as possible. It's called surviving. When you survive, you have all your antennas up and you What can I say? What can I not say? And a lot of them avoid, especially in men, they avoid the conversation. Mostly Most Most of the time, I mean, you see it otherwise also, that the women are more quiet and the husband wants more of the relationship. But different dynamics, different right way and left way and so many different ways and and train us on naivete people have. But in generally the men would be the one who would run away and try to avoid the conversation and try to not not even not even to talk about it. So we don't have to get even to the place that I do I need to say the truth or not say the truth. Right. So if if the couples don't have open communication you know, sometimes you see this intimacy. You know, they're not going to tell the other They're not going to discuss it. They're afraid to discuss it. That means they're not comfortable with each other or they're not safe. What do you How do you deal with that? So I think it stems from childhood. I really feel it stems from childhood because a lot of a lot of people are getting married just because their their mother said it's good, their father said it's good. And a lot of times they they want something else. So if you can't be truth with with yourself, if you can't say your truth, Mommy, I need this type of girl. I need this type of boy. I'm I'm not that person. I'm not that person that you're trying to put on to me. I'm somebody else. So it starts from being able to be honest with what you want and what it is you you're looking for. And you're not just trying to fill somebody else's expectation. You're able to show up for what it is you want. And that's really really it starts cuz if a kid a child an adult they're supposed to be an adult comes into a relationship and they're you know, feeling like, "Oh, I didn't really want this. Now I don't feel safe to share what I like, what I don't like." So they're starting already on a place where they weren't truth with with themselves, you know? So I think it starts even before marriage. It It what you're saying is that the parents should know who they are. The parents should know themselves first. >> are. >> the decision Yeah. of moving forward with the with the shidduch, what they need to do is to really get what's good for the child, but that can also again only happen if the parent is okay with themselves. >> Right. Then you can teach your child to be okay with themselves, and then you're not getting into these problems. But if the parent was was not working on themselves, was hiding all the time, and they have an image, and they have a community, and they have neighbors, and they want to make a shidduch, and they do this to their child, now the child walks into this marriage, and the communication is not It will never be there. These are two different people from two different angles, and and there's nothing to write home about. >> Exactly. Exactly. So, that's why we have such a passion to help individuals. >> Individuals also to really get to know their true self. It's It's very important for parents. You see, I always say this that when you talk about uh it starts by parenting. Yeah. You know, you know, it starts when the children are very little. Yeah. You know, because, you know, young people get married, and then they go sit in therapy for the next 20 years, for the past 20 years. But this got to stop someplace. >> Yeah. So, the parents really have to get a grip >> Yeah. of what life is all about. >> Exactly. I think also to be able to Everything is perception. You know, we think Hashem gives us these beautiful neshamos to bring down in this world, and then we want to control it. Right. That's where it starts. We want to control it. When it's not our position to control. They all have separate journeys. And when we can allow them to flourish with it with what their soul came here to be. And it's not going to It might not look the way your mother looked, and your father looked and your sister looked, but when you're trying to impose that onto your child, you're robbing him from his From a life. >> From his life. Yeah. So >> Children are not even ours. Exactly. >> gifts from Hashem and and and I always say this that um when a child is 20 years old or whatever, it's not a report card. You don't It's not This is what I look. You show this is what I did. This is It has nothing to do with you. You have to do your job. You know, you have to know yourself, you have to love yourself, and raise these children. But to have them as the report cards like, "Oh, this is what you accomplished. This is yours." The judging and all this stuff is This is all just recipes for disaster. >> Yeah, that's again coming back to being a taker. Yeah, of course. Of course. All you can do as a parent is stay out of the way. Don't don't let them grow and don't be in their way. That's the best thing you can do. Right. Cuz you you allowing them. You allowing them to be And actually, this is what grows into when you want somebody to a child to be to know themself. To have a self. >> Right. How can they have a self if you robbing it from themself? You keep on telling them, "I'm telling you what to do. I'm telling you how to be." So you you keep on telling them, "Don't be yourself. Be somebody else." And then all of a sudden, they have to learn themself. Of course, they have no clue what to do. >> Right. So of course, we want to influence them. We want to show them the way. We want to kind of a role model. But if I rob them from being the from from knowing what their self is, I'm like, "Shh, don't don't We don't talk that. We don't say that." You know? And sometimes you will get even a smack if you mention something. That's totally like, "Okay, I can't be myself." So That's why where kids have this this That's what they the sponge between zero and eight absorbs. I'm not I can't exist. I I'm just a robot. And then, you know, they Of course they can change. The greatest gift that you can give your kids is themselves. Exactly. >> The greatest gift. >> Yeah. It's just that this is nachas. I mean, nachas for everybody is different. But for some people, nachas is if you'll do whatever I if you're going to feed me, that's going to be my nachas. But the greatest gift is if you can give your child a self. And exactly. And then the world you look around and you see so much deception. And I really feel that's where it's all coming from. Deception is stemmed when you can't really find your true inner self. So, you're constantly wearing masks and trying to trying to fill roles that is not who you are. Right. You think most couples wait too long till it's a little bit late? You would you would recommend they come When should they When is When should a person decide, you know what? I like this couple that I see over here. I want to check them out. When should he decide that, you know what, maybe we go see them? I say when when you finally decide that you want a better life. When you actually want to give yourself the gift of a better life. Because what why people push off is number one, they they don't so sometimes people are so low, they think like, "Ooh, I'm I'm stuck here. I have no chances." Until it goes so bad and they want to go to divorce. They they just feel like, "Wow, I I'm stuck here." They pity themselves for getting into that situation. >> way. They're all Right. So, you see people make so little amount of it. If people understand that whatever your situation is, go figure it out. Start exploring. You have so many years to live together. Don't don't cheat yourself out of a good life. Go explore it. You see it doesn't work for you. You start feeling uncomfortable. You waited a little while and you see it's not changing and it's starting to bug you inside. Go go fishing. Go look for something good. >> Right. Come discuss it and get your powers out. and see start moving the the the pieces on the chessboard and and you'll be surprised what you're going to get back. It's it's it's it's limitless. Why do we ignore red flags? We see red flags all over. Young people, middle-aged people, but but we have a tendency to ignore it. Yeah, cuz it comes back to what we're familiar. If we were familiar with being treated a certain way, we are going to attract that again just because it's our familiar. So, I think that's also a very important thing to be able to work on self-development to understand who am I? What what are parts of me that are that are broken inside? What are parts of me that I would want to fill so that I can show up differently. And when we don't get in touch with those parts, then what happens is those parts keep getting reflected to us and then we're like, oh, that's my missing part. And then we repeat the same cycle over and over again. Right. I was I want to add even more. The people are afraid of the unknown, right? Like she like how we said. People are afraid of the unknown out of the changes. So, the when you find out that that you you know, you kind of got stuck somewhere that you didn't want to, whether it's a relationship or sometimes it's a child. Like people give up on a child. They're like, okay, he's a defect or something, you know. Instead of understanding that he he's challenged in a way that he needs support and you can give it to him. You can you can it's like a plant. What are you going to treat him? How this is how he's going to grow up you if you give up on him. So, I think people are afraid of what's coming. They're afraid of the of the change. And they so so it's between not believing that you you yeah, that there's options out there and that you're capable. And it's between the other part of of being afraid of the change and like how you said before, when you recognize the the the trigger inside of you that that's familiar. Right. So, like I have a lot of times when people come to me and it's interesting, always comes up that this and this child I'm not getting along with. And after going into it, you realize that this child reminds me of me. Mhm. So, this is this this challenging child is usually the one who reminds you of you if you really look into it because it triggers all the stuff inside of you and you realize oh my goodness, he's doing the same thing I'm doing. And a lot of people sometimes come into therapy then when they see the child doing the same thing. So, they have a kind of a reflection from a little kid and they're like, "Ooh, now I can see what I look like." Yeah. Yeah. It's interesting stuff. But, let me ask you, Mile, um if someone comes to you and it says um "It's impossible to make my wife happy." What do you say to a person like that? Let's try to find out what do you do to make her happy? Do you even know what she needs to be happy? Because there's a very interesting thing that people make you happy by what they think that you're going to make you happy. It's it's it's a lot of times if you don't Rejection is rejection, right? So, >> So, I think I like this and this, I'm going to give it to you. Right. But, they're not really understanding that person doesn't really like that. It's like the five love What is the the love languages? >> Right. So, it's very important to know each other. You want to make the person happy, what did they say? So, let let's say and it happens in in in in both sides of the coin on the couples, somebody is telling you, "I I really didn't appreciate A, B, and C." And the first thing the person would say, "I don't understand. I did all these things for you." Everything I did. And and you're going to complain like how they It what happens, they're not seeing it the way it is. They're seeing it through Again, now now I have a wound. Now I tried so hard and I can't make you happy. Now, I'm not good enough. And you go into that direction. But, if you really understand, so what is it? You look at all the stuff you did and what you didn't do and you realize that the one thing you didn't do overpowers everything you did. So, the meaning of it, even if you did 20 things and one thing not, the meaning of this one thing is more important. So, you learn it. You learn it. You get it into your head. Okay, this is what she likes. And you find out these things. And as you grow, it becomes easier because you right away know this is important, this is not. There's the cake and there's the icing on the cake, you know. >> Yeah. Yeah, so again, you were saying is you focus on that person to see uh to see what what do you why do you think he didn't she didn't appreciate? Like, to understand what is his powers? What does he really thinks? And a lot of times people actually know inside once, you know, we have like different uh ways we ask questions to pinpoint things. >> Right. To to take apart things and people like, "Ooh, I didn't think of that." >> Right. So, to take apart things to understand like, "What were you thinking? What do you think she's not happy about?" And a lot of times if you go in the the process, you take it apart, you yourself can see >> out very well >> what happened and why it occur. But, as soon as you go into that trigger inside of you, then then you you just you you just taking over by that trigger. You can't even think about the other person. That's where it escalates cuz you're responding towards that through that trigger. Right. Now, Harvey, what would you say if someone comes in and says uh my husband doesn't understand me? So, I usually would say how, you know, usually I would try to understand how that looks. What does it look for you? Yeah. Cuz again, it's all coming back to self. What does it look for you? What is it telling you? How does that feel for you? Um and how would you want it to look different? It's it's it's to understand what is and then we go through there. What's in your power to create that difference. >> Mhm. Right. And that's that's what it comes back to. It's always about exploring our options. And you're trying to make him rethink the way they they talked before? It's about understanding their power. It's not so much about rethinking, it's about what is your power? Don't think you're a victim in this place. Don't think somebody else has to give you something. You can get it yourself. Maybe you just have to ask. Maybe you don't know how to ask. >> her role. Exactly. >> So she should be So she can step into it. She can understand what First of all, what it is she needs, how that would look like, so and how she can get it for herself. >> a person feels not understood, there's self-esteem, a little bit of self-esteem issue over there? Yeah, so a lot of times what happens is that women don't know how to articulate their feeling. They go right away into the reactive place. So when you go into the reactive place, you're giving the wrong message. You know, it's like somebody telling you you didn't do this or can you please do this, right? It's it's it's between being reactive and being able to ask what you need from your power. So I think it's very important to help them understand where they're still being reactive and how they can learn to connect to their need from a more empowered place. Right. Um, what's your advice for couples who have children, grown children, but they forget to focus on themselves. They focus on the children, they focus on the house. How important is it to have some me time between the two of them? So I would say it's very important because as we keep on saying, it starts with yourself. Right. If you are empty, you can't really get you have nothing to give. So, it's very important for couples Some couples needs more, some people need less. It they have it has to be discussed and understood cuz you know, the man would think I don't need to talk. The woman would think I need and vice versa. Right. So, to discuss the whether it's once a week or twice a week or three times a week. So, have a long time and it's very easy to make it in the rush of the of the of the life today, which is so rushing, you know, you get up, you run, you you run into bed. >> and But, it's it if you really are conscious about it and you be mindful you you set it aside a time to just check in with each other, talk with each other, go out a little bit. Not always has to be something crazy big. Yeah. Again, it depends on the expectation of the people, but some people just few minutes of connection is is is is is already very very much, but the other person wants to be understood. If a woman had a hard day with the kids you can give her the opportunity to unload and to to to regain composure and so she goes to sleep. As a man, so she can get up as a man. Same thing as vice versa, if the husband had a hard day by doing that, you're refilling each other. Right. It's very important. How much do women appreciate taking out once a week or these these little tiny gestures that people do. Yeah, so I definitely think women like to be chosen and women like to feel wanted. >> Mhm. That's a very big need for women. And um you know, a man could sometimes get very busy with uh responsibilities and and work and >> And life and then there's children. So, when the man says, you know, for the wife, put something on nice. I want to take you out and treat you. That can create an incredible good feeling for the wife. And um the power of that can really create a lot of love for them for each other. Because a man a good healthy man wants to be the leader. And the woman wants to be the feminine, the one that's being chosen. >> Right. So, when he can do that, she definitely feels very very seen and loved by him. So, it's definitely a especially she's busy with the children and there's so much going on and it gives her also space to feel, "Oh, now I can go and get dressed and feel beautiful and be with my husband and he wants to be with me." So, it definitely can spark a very good um dynamic between between them. >> Wow, it's beautiful advice, good advice. What we learned today uh is that marriage um is about two individuals um who are willing to grow. And they're willing to take responsibility uh for themselves. Not pointing fingers at each other and uh they want to build something meaningful together. Like we said before, like I make this my art. Um we're here for a purpose. It's a very short life. And we want to make the best out of it. So, I really want to thank you both for joining and coming in. And it was a pleasure. It was a beautiful conversation. And you're doing God's work. You're doing a beautiful beautiful work. >> indeed. It was a beautiful conversation and thanks for having us. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you very much. >> much. Thank you for having us. It's an honor. Thank you.