A Priceless Tactic in any Relationship - Dr. Dovid Lieberman - TorahAnytime.com

you know sometimes people think that the angrier they are the louder they have to scream in order to be heard when someone screams at you we simply just shut down because i'll say this the research backs us up not that ghazal need the ascama from research but how a conversation begins is how it ends the more gentle the more soft spoken you are the more kind you begin the easier it is to have that a conversation now here's the thing when you're talking about something that someone's done to you right it's very easy once again for that person to get upset so ideally you don't want to criticize if you find yourself you have to go ahead and bring out the behavior just keep it about you see here's the thing no matter how sensitive somebody is they cannot get offended if you don't accuse them of doing anything wrong right that much makes sense it's logical so if i never tell you you're doing anything wrong you're going to listen with open ears open eyes and a closed mouth you're actually going to hear what i have to say the way we accomplish that with other people is we make it about ourselves in a calm quiet space again begin with i really appreciate that you're doing this and that i just wanted to know i'm having a hard time when xyz happens i haven't said that you're uh not thoughtful or that you're disrespectful or you don't love me you don't care about me blah blah i don't i haven't said any of that i'm only saying that you're amazing you're great in the scheme of things i know it doesn't matter but i'm making it about me i'm having a hard time now your spouse your child your friend whoever it is rather than feeling beaten up having to defend themselves they now get to come to the rescue and they get to give and to anthropomorphize hashem is the ultimate giver when we give to in our relationships we feel great so then you just ask this person if they could just help you out could you please just be mindful i again i know it's not the end of the world it's not a big deal i'm just because of my own stuff my own childhood my own perception my own feelings of insecurity whatever it is i'm having a hard time with it i know you don't mean it i know i'm taking it personally a person would be thrilled driven to be able to take you out of pain once again as long as you're not putting him in pain by putting him on the defensive you