What If Asking Mechila Will Make Things Worse?

This is Dov bar Lamsky with our question and answer series where in a few minutes we try to answer listeners questions. How important is it for me to ask mechila from a friend even though I know she will not say yes so fast. It will be a very long and hard phone call to make and the outcome might be worse than what it is now. Well, it says in Pirkei Avot right? Don't try to uh calm somebody down when they're angry. So if you know the person is angry and if you call them up they're going to yell at you and make the situation worse then yeah, wait. But if it means it's going to be a hard conversation and the person may not say I forgive you that quickly. Between me and you that's a good sign. Because most people when you say will you mochel me you go to somebody on Yom Kippur and you say will you mochel me and the person says yes they don't mean it. They just know that that's what they're supposed to say but they don't really believe it and you didn't really get mechila and the person is still bears a grudge. So if the person is honest enough with you already to say I'm really really hurt and I'm not ready to let go of it, that's a good sign. And we have to do everything in our power to get someone to forgive us for what we did to them and sometimes we do some really bad things. And it takes a lot of time. And sometimes it could take a person a very long time to choose to forgive you. But that doesn't mean you give up. You keep trying. I know halachically you're not mechuyav to ask mechila more than three times but that's a technicality. If getting someone to forgive you is important then you keep working at it. I know parents who really, really hurt their children in very, very real ways, and it takes them a very long time to earn their children's trust back and get that forgiveness. And they keep working at it because the relationship is important. And if a relationship is important to you, or even if the person's unimportant to you, but Hashem is important to you, then you understand that you have to go that extra mile to get that forgiveness. So, yeah, it's always nice when you have those make-believe situations where you say, "I'm really sorry. Do you forgive me?" And the person says, "Yes, of course. You know, thank you for asking." But the fact of the matter is that sometimes people might be very angry, and you have to you have to be real. Someone may not forgive you that quickly. Yeah? Depends what you did, and it also depends on the person. Some people are stubborn, and it's harder for them to let go. But that doesn't excuse me from doing everything I can to win them over. So, I know people, they said, you know, "I know somebody, they lost a relative. I forgot to go pay a call. So, I avoided that person for the rest of my life >> [laughter] >> because I was so embarrassed." >> [gasps] >> Sometimes you just got to you know, man up, or in your case, woman up. Yeah, take it on the chin, admit that you're wrong, uh face the consequences of what you've done, and do everything in your power to try to make peace. Because when Hashem sees that the Jewish people are getting along, then he forgives us for all of the things that we've done wrong. And particularly in a year when Rosh Hashanah comes out on Shabbos and no tekiah shofar, we need extra effort on our part to make sure that we get a good year. And getting people to forgive you is certainly an important thing for this coming year. Tziva sima tova. This is Dov Lanski with our question and answer series.