Meaningful Response to Tragedy 10 Easy Principles to Avoid Loshon Harah: Rabbi Asher Baruch Wegbreit

[Music] welcome back to klm we're going to take a pause in the easy mitzvah series and see what we can do to relate to this tragedy that happened that we're all still i think it's fair to say shell shocked from and i was thinking about how to approach this and let me open with this you know when tragedy strikes [Music] it brings out actually it brings out good in the in people you know and there's been a response of compassion for the people who all these families have lost their loved ones and there's young young people and and i know personally that some of the boys that left this world were tremendously pure and beautiful people and uh everyone everyone wants to help and it's actually been amazing i i what i heard in marone there was an outreach from all groups and you know it's it's again it's ironic because there's so much jewish unity at marone and for this to happen very very painful but like i said we all want to help and there's been there's been beautiful i there's i saw one of the airlines offered to fly the parents for free and you know all everybody what can we do to help and every bit of it is is meaningful now with judaism we you know shem the torah gives us really really powerful ways to help okay and to contribute to the situation so tonight i want to give you a very meaningful way to respond that i believe is going to help those families that are in desperate need of consolation it's going to help the ones who pass from this world and to help the jewish people it'll help the jewish people it helps the jewish people it helps all mankind okay we want to do that obviously right and as an extra bonus i i hope this approach we're going to take is going to build your self-esteem too okay you'll understand in a minute okay so the the gemara um it makes it clear that really if you wanted to trace back all tragedy the most basic cause is because we don't have a base of migos we don't have a temple uh and because when we did uh you know the temple was the conduit of blessing and good to all of mankind and once that stopped uh you know trouble and the gemara says amazingly it says with the passage of time from the base of mig dash every day hashem has more curse than other and and in a certain sense i think we saw this what we went through with corona and all that and all that and then then this happens right so ultimately it's because hashem's presence is not here the way it could be in and please god will be okay and the huff time explains that really the the the second temple was um destroyed because of baseless hatred and he says how does baseless hatred how does negativity manifest in speech negative speech speech kills that that's also misled in the the tongue can either kill or bring life right so the truth of the matter is if we can make an advance like again people are saying it's time let's do chuba let's come back to hashem if we can advance ourselves uh with um guarding our tongues that's huge and like i said it will it'll hashem will bring he so much wants us to care about speaking neverly about our family members and of course he's going to console the people and if let's take this loss of these holy people and if we improve as a result as their stimulus that elevates their souls okay so this is just only good to improve now when it comes to lush and hard there's been amazing efforts and disseminations and teachings and books and you know the huff of time foundation amazing amazing efforts right and so i just i hopped upon an approach that actually i saw really help people many people know that if you're if you're a torah observant jew you know is it okay to speak question or no it's forbidden okay now of course there's a qualification if you have a constructive purpose we're not going to talk about that tonight okay but everyone knows it's forbidden right yet what is it that causes us to still stumble and fall and you know justify our behavior etc so that's what i want to uh work on so here here's the uh here's the secret we're going to approach see here's the thing to do positive actions let's say you want to do a haftaraka kamoja right so you know when you make someone feel good you you smile at them you give them a compliment it's an action you could say i'm gonna smile three times a day with all the misses involved with that right that's true but you know when it comes to not doing a negative and it's a habit sometimes to we get you know someone presses our button and we get negative and boom before you before you know it's over how do you guard against that that's not easy that's much more difficult to be prepared ready and not stumble into a negative right here's the secret we're going to do the huffington foundation put out it boiled down to all the laws now of course it is very important to learn all the laws okay and go through the half of time safer however they did a success they boiled the all the rules of lush and hard to ten basic rules and i tell you if you can uh if you have these rules at your fingertips it's gonna improve your speech i'm telling you from testimonies of people that i did this process with i'm testifying myself it helps a lot okay so what we're gonna do is we're going to just nail get these 10 rules down and i promised you that we're going to work we're going to it's going to be a boost to our self-esteem why is that this is something you know especially you know in when it comes to learning torah there's a pre uh premium placed on learning torah deeply in torah right and there should be i mean because the torah is from hashem it's divine so you should be delving into its depths for sure however sometimes that takes a long time before you taste the fruits of it but you know a way you can feel fruits when you attain but ready and retain torah knowledge it feels great if to have some information at your fingertips that you remember and know it's an automatic good feeling and you're it it feels great with your hashem etc you hear this retaining builds your self-esteem so we my goal is to do this and uh we're going to try to get these 10 rules down i'm going to explain them and i'm going to teach you a process that i found very effective now if you're watching if you could pause the the camera and try to get a partner it works very well with a partner okay but if not i'm gonna try to take us through this process and uh please god we're gonna merge with the 10 rules in our consciousness he just an interesting thing let me lift this up for right titsys right what are the per what's the purpose of sitsis so synthesis is supposed to we're supposed to look at them and what it's supposed to remind us of the mitzvahs right it's a triggering mechanism and men have more misses so they need these look there's a 613 etc so anyhow it's supposed to you look at this and then you remember the mitzvahs and then you do them okay now the huffington brings this into mr brewer if you don't know the mitzvahs what's this gonna do right you remember the mitzvahs what are the mitzvahs right so here with the rules of lash and hara there are certain uh points that you really have to get down and uh you need to remember them in order to be safeguarded through them right so right now we're going to go through this list and i it's it's actually a fun list if you will and we're going to please god with the hope of shen we'll retain it we're going to feel great about ourselves and most importantly we're going to contribute in them to diminish the major cause of the suffering in the world which is not having a base in big dash which hashem says i'm not budging until you remove negativity from your from each other and stop speaking negatively so let's make a major stride on this right now okay before we look at this list of the basic rules of proper speech i want to talk to you a little bit about retention and the first time i had a profound success with retention i heard a presentation by rabbi noak weinberg-zitzal years ago and he changed the jewish world well his father changed his life how he says when he was around five or six years old his father offered him now this is in the 1950s with something like that 40s he offered him a nickel for every mishna in parakeet avos that he would memorize now i'm i'm not offering you a nickel but the thing is this what did rabbi weinberg say he says i memorized perchiagos and it changed my life so when i heard that i was very inspired by that and i was in in the united states and every shabbos i had a friend a good friend and on shabbos the first shabbos i i mentioned the first pair chaos moshe received the torah from sinai and handed it to yeshua and show it to the elders etc and then hashem gave me a great idea the next job is what did i do i repeated the first mission and moshe handed it from sinai and then i went to the second mishna shimon at sadiq was a member for the ancient canisters godola and he and then every shabbos i i repeated from the beginning and added one and it changed my life it it it worked beautifully and to know peric elvis is life-changing okay so this simple idea of repeating what you know um and continuing to repeat it till it's in in your kishkas right that's a secret and again it's like an immediate good feedback it's a wonderful process to do and that's what we're going to do now so i'm going to give you a brief explanation of their of the 10 rules but i'm not going to go through the 10 rules and then let's go back we're going to get it down and do this process one by one until we have it okay so that's the plan so these are 10 easy rules to memorize right because we need this in our consciousness because when negative feelings arise we have to think it has to rise to our mind wait a minute maybe that's washing hara okay so 10 easy rules to memorize so here's the here's the basic format don't say it when and we'll see the 10 the 10 things you ready to go let's do it and everybody if you have a partner you can go over with them or just we'll pause we'll make sure you haven't we'll move on first don't say it when it's derogatory even if it's true now what's brilliant about this list is it brings up all the rational lies rationalize the rational lies we tell ourselves i i hear this all the time but it's true he really did that and you have to say so what if it's derogatory if if it makes the person that you're talking about if his image lowers in the mind of the listener it's lush and horror so if it's derogatory even if it's true it's forbidden don't say it okay so what's the first rule of uh of the laws of lush and hari hara if it's derogatory even if it's true that's a bonus if you remember that rationalization there it's very was what they're doing okay so everyone was the first one if it's derogatory okay let's go to the second one if it's damaging even if it's not derogatory let's say a person says you know i saw your wife in the store and she has such good taste when she buys every item in the store i mean she is such a good shopper right so you didn't in your mind you didn't say anything uh negative right she has good taste right but to the listener that could cause him to be upset with his wife and you might have caused the wife the damage right so you have to be careful that even a positive statement doesn't lead to damage okay so if it's damaging even if it's not derogatory you're here be on guard okay let's review what's the first rule it's derogatory right if it's derogatory even it's true okay and what's the second rule it's it's a good word but to make the listeners think it cause cause damage very good even if it's good words but if it's damaging in some way so you have to think twice before you say even something positive okay good we have two of the rules down if it's damaged if it's derogatory or if it's damaging okay let's go to the third one and here's a other classic that we uh we uh we must get this in our consciousness don't say it well even if it was just a joke i was just kidding i was just joking around and this is really important people will make a joke and is i'm just teasing right but if you're t if what you're saying again is a little bit embarrassing or negative or might affect the thing it doesn't matter that you're well intentioned so even if it's a joke okay so let's go over all right so so far we have three what what's the first one it's derogatory what's the second one damaging even if it's positive and the third one even if it's a joke okay i'm telling you we if we go through this you're gonna think about this when you leave this room or you okay so let's go to the fourth one here's another thing you might think you can get away with even when you include yourself okay well i was there too and i was uh you know throwing rocks or whatever it was god forbid right so when uh when you do that you don't you don't help the case you s when you spoke no negative about this other young man who threw through rocks at the window or whatever it was you uh you can say but i did it too that doesn't help if it was negative even if you include yourself it's unacceptable okay let's review by the way this immediate retention also if i don't tell you but if you generate yourself so for those who are listening i'm going to pause and give you a chance to produce okay what's the first one derogatory right even if it's true what's the second one damaging even if it's positive what's the third one jokes even if they're well intentioned and what's the fourth one including ourselves right even if we include ourselves in the negative information here's something i've learned by working with people in retention you might think the easiest thing to remember is the last thing you heard but it's not true it's what was repeated the most okay so but now doing great we're almost halfway there okay the fifth even when you say it non-verbally this is in our times this is the biggest perhaps uh internet horror in other words when you write or you go like that you know you make a face or or you write or you signal non-verbal is forbidden rolling eyes winking rolling eyes and i want to say writing writing texts and emails we have to be so careful okay you hear this so it's it's not only said verbally it could be said by by non-verbal expressions okay so we just covered five let's review okay the first one even when it's derogatory even if it's true second damaging right even if it's positive third yeah jokes jokes that are on okay fourth including yourself even if you include yourself you can't you can't write off that you spoke negative about someone else because you mentioned yourself too okay and then the fifth one even not verbally not verbal right so writing texts emails winking smiling faces all that okay so we now know half of the most foundational principles of lush and hara okay we're halfway there so again it's derogatory if it's damaging even if it's a joke you include your even if you include yourself and non-verbal as well okay let's go look at the other list okay we now know uh half of the five foundational principles rules of proper speech okay so let's go to the next uh five okay even when it's about communities or kids now let me pause on this this is important you know uh again remember jokes in the first list you jokes you may not mean you may not feel negative towards an ashkenazi aspartia a non-jew whatever you may not even if you're but a joke that's negative is forbidden in other words you you can't criticize communities in fact it's a bigger issue yeah you know so we have to be so careful so so careful to talk about groups of jews you know schools any careful careful careful and then another one this this number six is key communities careful kids even if a kid's not bar mitzvah you you cannot speak negatively about them of course we have and we and the next time we we work on this we'll talk about when there's constructive purpose it could be there's constructive purpose to talk about you know to your to your spouse about one of the kids and stuff like this but there's rules for that but anyhow what i want to say is careful this is a big one you're not you shouldn't speak negatively about kids either okay um as rabbi berkowitz says so beautifully the whole rule the underlying rule is it's lowly it's lowly to speak about other people negatively and we're meant to be holy not lowly okay great so what's number six well what what speak about community and kids right okay good so uh let's go back to the beginning all right every repetition by way i want to point out to all of us we're learning torah and every word of torah is a mitzvah so please also have in mind i'm learning torah and i'm learning torah almanac i'm learning to be careful about my speech and if you give if you teach other people do this exercise with others you're learning in order to teach and you get so much from doing that okay so that's my justification we're going over all six okay first one when it's derogatory second damaging third jokes fourth includes yourself fifth what's the fifth excuse me non-verbal okay sixth whole groups of people communities or kids communities are kids great rabbi okay this is another they really know how to to press our buttons with this list this is a classic risk high risk even when you tell it to close relatives there's this feeling that well i can share negative things with my wife or my husband i'm so close to them it's part of our closeness now let me qualify on this is very important and i'm not giving a detailed class and you need to learn and speak to your local rabbi about these things for sure but if there is a thing that if the spouse is really upset and they need to vent so the law the halacha permits you to them to vent but they should say i need to vent and don't believe what i'm don't take what i'm saying so serio you know don't believe it etc you know but my point is this so i'm not saying it can never occur but much of the time even when you're speaking to a close relative it's forbidden you're don't share it even with people you're close they're mentioning this because we have a temptation to share with our close ones everything even the negative don't do it unless it's constructive okay that's seven we're almost done with the list so derogatory damaging see everyone i hope you'll repeat to your you re repeat these okay derogatory damaging jokes including yourself non-verbal what's six because we only did it recently communities are kids and the seventh one you can't speak to relatives even people you're close to know the spouse you cannot if it's not constructive okay three more and we're done here's another one you might think is okay everyone knows about it so in this list of the hovertime foundation is that even if the listener already heard something and it's already kind of known now what's the problem they explain part of the problem is you're reinforcing negativity right and when you hear another person say it it's entrenching that and it's lowly not holy okay so it again even if it's well known or the person has heard something about it it's forbidden okay that's number eight okay derogatory damaging jokes even self five non-verbal six what's six kids seven even closer i was eight already it's already known even people already heard about it you still can't say it to another if it's negative okay that's eight two more two more the these last two rules are kind of um a little twist on things that and very important okay it's called rithilus regios is translated as tail bearing when it causes animosity okay well in other words if you didn't say something negative but you say do you uh do you know what plony said about you right so you're not you're not saying that if plony says you you know you're not generous right now you did you say he's not generous you didn't say that you told him plony did that's called rekilis it causes animosity and it's bad news okay so the ninth one is hillis's forbidden meaning even if you don't say it but you report something negative someone said and cause animosity so it's forbidden if it's rehealus slash animosity that's nine okay let's review first the first is derogatory damaging damaging jokes jokes even if you include yourself you even include yourself um if um non-verbal good six groups of people such as communities or kids communities kids beautiful seven relatives relatives you can't share to relatives eight even it's publicizing already known right publicized no nine nine okay so nine is a category where you don't say the negative but you say to somebody he said negative about you that's called ri helis and there is if you you're causing you're causing negativity between two people animosity riches okay last and definitely not least this could be the hardest one on the list okay in all these cases if you're on the listening end you can't believe what you're hearing when someone speaks nobody don't believe it and really ideally says i was in don't listen don't listen the first place right but ready believing negative information said believing hara or listening to it is forbidden okay now i say that that's the toughest why you know if you're speaking and you're all riled up you might kind of recognize maybe i'm not acting properly but you know when you're just listening it's such a in quotes passive activity you're just and you and the problem is we're very perceptive inside insightful people so you hear people say things and they sound so correct but if they're negative you have to say these people are biased they're distorting it listening and accepting is forbidden and be on your guard that's one we can really fall prey to because i'm not doing anything i'm just listening okay don't do it okay that's number ten uh listening and believing lash and horror is forbidden okay let's go over um uh we'll go over the list one more time and uh here's here's the point about the retention but look you now know uh well here let's do this and then i'll talk about the fruits okay let's do the work first okay one more time number one is derogatory number two um number two is damage word damaging words right number three even it's only a joke right beautiful your jokes are not okay right even if it involves herself it doesn't justify speaking nearly about the other five even if it's only non-verbal nonverbal writings uh texting etc six and six is speak about community and kids right it's forbidden to speak about communities or children seven even if you're you're relating it to relate close relatives you're related to close relatives your loved one's spouse can't do that okay eight it's uh i didn't hear very clearly and uh okay so even if it's well known yeah okay if it's already if p you even if you think they may have heard it so it's okay okay i don't know good nine if it draws animosity or uh bad feelings towards the person right between two people right you create animosity between two people even though you didn't speak russian hara but you told them they spoke negatively that's called rekhilas and it's bad news okay and the last one is forbidden to believe and uh hearing yeah and even hearing or listening to lash and horror okay first of all yeshua koa okay you now know 10 fundamental principles by heart okay and the by heart is the secret you just just do this right you you have to realize you know important knowledge and you know torah knowledge and you know knowledge that can break the pattern of habitual negativity it's it's really good it'll come in wait a minute oh you're about to make a joke and say oh wait a minute i said jokes was on the list right and i just want to finish with this is that the villain that brings a midrish and he says think about this you know there are people that are have photographic memories and geniuses in numbers and things and you have computers right that can hold and calculate the great deals but you know who you know a better calculator or a better computer is an angel an angel is pure intellect and the rambam explains angels are so much greater in their ability to comprehend things right listen to this says the villainous going if one time right and all the time said it's worth the whole book he wrote this if one time you thought about speaking english in heart and you stopped yourself he says the reward that's waiting for you the closeness to god that's waiting for you angels cannot calculate it it's incalculable they can't do the math do you hear this it's such a big thing it's such a big thing and we should have in mind right that we're guarding our speech primarily because hashem told us to but we we should offer it as a prayer of action to hashem hashem please make our efforts to to retain and then refrain right from speaking may they provide an elias neshama for these holy people that left us may you bring consolation to their families may you bring simba's and most importantly the redemption we want to show you we want to stop the things that get in the way of you coming back being here [Music] is